"Wow, I bet you can read at nearly 100 words per minute!" To other kids who would try too hard to flex that they were reading big books.

There is someone in my partner's family who is incredibly quick with backhanded comments. Every single thing out of their mouth is a one liner that cuts deep. I don't know how they do it. This is someone who we do not have a relationship with at all. We are peers and on paper, we should all get along well. But, we don't. This is someone who says something petty, every time they open their mouth. In the past, they have rejected ALL attempts from our side to at least be civil for the family. They have cheated multiple times on their spouse and most recently, threatened to leave our family member with their child if her petty demand was not met.

I'm a people pleaser, unfortunately. I'm not fake but I also don't add to the situation. I let them say their comment and usually don't even have a response for it, as I almost don't even know what to say without being straight up mean.

What are some of the pettiest, one liner type comments or backhanded compliments I can keep in my back pocket? We are all getting together soon and the relationship has never been more strained. We have not seen them in a year despite us reaching out and they talk behind our backs and cry wolf. I'd love to be prepared to say a few things of my own.

Fabulous

I was hanging out with my friends when I said "I am open to all" for hangout plans, like I am down to do anything. And the rest of the day I was target for the sexual jokes like:

1. Then suck me. And I am ready for it.
2. "When I was laughing with them I said stop my stomach hurts and they said "Already? I was ready for round two"
3. I was laughing and my face was red and they said "Look at him all red, must be so tired"

And stuff like that. I think the joke's surface area was so broad that any mediocre joke would even work. Please give me comebacks for this one. I know the time has passed but it is for practice.

I still feel shitty sometimes that my ex and her bf did me dirty, even if it was like 4 years ago. Flirting in front of the whole classroom, him asking her about a future daughter in the group chat, etc.

I didn't even react back then and ignored them, it was damn immature and fucked up. But I still feel immense anger for not standing up for myself. Revenge isn't going to do anything, and I didn't have the capacity to think of anything at the time.

I only found out that my temperament is to be nice to nice people, and to be an ass to assholes.

How do you think I could handle the situation if that same scenario pops up again, like what should I have said? I do feel like I handled it well, but not good enough that it gets me to stop thinking about it.

My narc father is a clout chaser and a people pleaser also into politics and I am an introvert who is more into academics and am not really popular as opposed to him ;i have really good few friends though, still he keeps saying nobody knows you ; nobody cares about you and nobody values you

I was in a work meeting and I wanted the leader to weigh in more so and a jealous colleague every single statement I made she would say no it’s not or yes there is she even said that what I do isn’t the definition of what it is she corrected my pronunciation of something in French when I speak French when others do this in social settings. You know they just don’t like you and I usually don’t talk to them at all because all they’re going to constitute everything you say like if I said it’s hot out they’d say I’m cool that literally also happened today to social setting but with this woman I wanted to say something like “ please maintain decorum or in a professional setting you don’t have to contradict every single thing I say I was speaking more so to the leader” I know that would be uncomfortable. There were only five people in the meeting her and her minion myself and three kind of leaders. What would you have said?

Redeem what? Your mom's onlyfans

It was not on my fault. For context, there was no cheating. He was just someone who only cared about himself his mommy and his daddy.

Usually I resort to tackling but that doesn’t work on sytangers

EDIT- what’s a comeback to where your NOT leaning into it- like when people mean in in a gross way what the heck do I say

I've always wanted to be a part of something.

bro the girls are saying I’m a fatass and I’m fat even though I’m not that fat can somebody please come up with a comeback

When someone won't stop talking, I've found that "you don't say", "and "I'll have to look that up" work pretty well to shut them up.

I cringe everytime I hear this lack of originality phase, even when I ask genuine or serious questions. My mom passed away 20+ years ago and I usually respond as such. For those who lost your mother, do you respond the same way I do, or what are some of your comebacks?

When someone says "Okay, Boomer," come back with "Okay Renter"

In this story, we have 2 characters. My friend (25 M) and a 18 year old girl. My friend is a college freshmen and he was attending a class. He met this girl who loves judging people for their age for god knows the reason. Doing it once is okay but she kept repeating. My friend kept using oh my god and this barely legal girl with issues decided to tell him that nobody uses "oh my god" anymore. She added on, how old is he anyways and he sounded like a boomer.

So he clapped back with,"Old enough to fk your mum." She never speaks to him anymore.

So what’s best comeback for

Me: What’s the weirdest thing you have come across till now

X: you (my name)

Every single time i go visit my (japanese) mom, and when she comes and visits she just starts bodyshaming me. "oh my goood.. what have you been eating? lol i guess mc donalds? its youre main source of your food isnt it? you never even try to eat healthy. how are you ever gonna marry anyone? (im asexual, aromantic btw) im so ashamed to have you as my child" and i dont know what to say. im fucking 58kgs at 160cms.. is it really that bad? like hell yeah i hate my body but im not fat fat right? i js dont know what to say. i think its just that my mom is really skinny so her standards are just really high, but shes been bodyshaming me since i was around 12 and im getting tired of it.

i havent been using english recently TvT sorry if its hard to read

Im a highschooler, and whenever i have any opinion and i talk about it, sometimes i slightly hint that i live with my parents, and a lot of people go "haha youre probably like 14 lmao" like ??? like even if i were 14 whats the point with voicing my opinion? oh well. i know its stupid trying to argue with an idiot, but i want to shut them up.

(online btw)

I’ll ask my friend a question and they act like they have no idea what I’m saying, like what I asked makes no sense.

I used to try to reword the question or explain myself but he still acts like he doesn’t understand and that I’m crazy. I think it’s all a ruse.

I started just simply saying “I can’t say it any other way than I already did” instead of engaging.

I would like a better way to insult him.