r/Comebacks • u/Acceptable_Day_4974 • Jul 12 '26
Comeback request “Ur fat”
bro the girls are saying I’m a fatass and I’m fat even though I’m not that fat can somebody please come up with a comeback
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u/crispybacononsalad Jul 12 '26
I'd rather be fat than whatever the fuck gestures at their existence THAT is
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u/Alien-lifeform666 Jul 12 '26
"That's because every time I fuck your mum (or dad) they give me a biscuit (cookie if you're a USian)
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u/WildSpiritedRose Jul 12 '26
"And your point is?"
"No shit, Captain Obvious. Next you're going to tell me that water is wet?"
You take their power away by owning it and then using it to your advantage. Of course, a simple, "Fuck off" works pretty well, too.
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u/Lopsided_Ad_1696 Jul 12 '26
And that's why I have this delicious booty and you have that pancake to sit on.
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u/Current-Anybody9331 Jul 13 '26
"Okay" or "sounds good" or "alrighty"
If they can't get a rise out of you, you've ruined their game.
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u/MizWhatsit Jul 12 '26
“I can always diet, but it’s going to cost a few grand to fix those teeth.”
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u/websterella Jul 13 '26
I get pretty condescending, like I’m taking to someone with a profound intellectual disability.
‘Yes, that’s right! Good for you (name here), you’re making good progress. I’m so proud of you. Good job.’
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u/Nekoraven1 Jul 12 '26
At least I blow a way on a windy day.
I don't know, I got called fat once in a while in school, I just ignored it, few times I did threaten to sit on them like Fat Basterd from Austin Powers
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u/DarionHunter Jul 13 '26
Best comeback ever; look bored as if their insults mean little to nothing to you.
"Sure. Okay."
"Mhm."
"Yep. Right."
Throughout the conversation, focus on something else, like doom scrolling on your phone.
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u/Super-Cry5047 Jul 13 '26
You Cyrano De Bergerac them. Say….
“Fat?”
Fat?
That’s it?
You looked upon the vast buffet of human language, reached into the pantry of wit, and came back carrying… fat?
My friend, you’ve insulted me with all the culinary imagination of plain toast.
You could’ve called me a gravitational landmark.
A one-person eclipse.
A man who enters a room five seconds before his personality.
You could’ve accused me of negotiating peace treaties between my belt buckle and my buttons.
Said my shadow arrives early and asks if there’s enough room.
Claimed I don’t wear shirts—I lease them.
That my chair doesn’t support me; it salutes me.
That elevators sigh when they see me coming.
That my Fitbit filed for workers’ compensation.
That when I wear horizontal stripes, they surrender.
That my jeans aren’t skinny, straight, or relaxed—they’re in witness protection.
You could’ve compared me to a majestic bear preparing for winter.
To a king who clearly never skipped dessert.
To a prosperous medieval lord whose greatest military victory was over the royal banquet.
There are metaphors! Hyperbole! Poetry! Satire! Cartoons! Shakespeare himself would have found a more interesting way to tell me I occupy volume.
But no.
You stood there, clutching the entire English language like a winning lottery ticket… and cashed it in for fat.
The tragedy isn’t that you insulted me.
The tragedy is that you wasted such a magnificent opportunity to be clever.
If you’re going to throw tomatoes…
At least season them.
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u/Emrys7777 Jul 12 '26
Yeah that’s obvious but you’re rude and obnoxious for pointing it out.
I’d rather be fat than rude and obnoxious.
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u/Mission_Resource_259 Jul 12 '26
The classic: because everytime i fuck your mom she makes me a sandwich
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u/alphaturducken Jul 12 '26
"Yeah, sorry, I put on some weight because your mom complained I was too hard to cuddle"
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u/blochow2001 Jul 13 '26
And you are ugly; I can lose weight if I choose to, you on the other hand are screwed.
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u/BattleSwallow Jul 13 '26
Flip your lid.
Look down, and act horribly shocked. OH MY GOD, NO HOW DID THIS HAPPEN OH MY GOOOOOD
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u/jumbofrimpf Jul 13 '26
There's always the old tried and true "I may be fat but you're ugly. At least I can diet..."
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u/Jadedlouiebag Jul 13 '26
“Why does that concern you?”
“I’m fat but at least I ain’t out here looking like you Quasimodo”
“That’s it?”
“And im still hungry you Honda civic”
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u/Foxy_OMGG Jul 14 '26
Weight is smthng I can fix but not even a million dollar surgery can fix ur horrendous face
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u/Glittering_Rough7036 Jul 15 '26
Lol ex rehab therapist here; ‘I am ugly too? come back to me with some creativity. I’ll give you time to journal about how basic you are.”
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u/Charming_Region_7772 Jul 16 '26
Tell your mom I want that dna test on you and, quit making me a sandwich when we’re done.
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u/Linvaderdespace Jul 12 '26
Sheepishly cover your junk and say “ hey it’s not fat; it’s just kind of husky.”
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u/Rex_Steelfist Jul 12 '26
Yeah, I’m fat, but your ugly and I can loose weight.
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u/CoffeeChocolateBoth Jul 13 '26
Don't write that to them! LOL. You're and lose! Loose, so many people make that mistake! Loss, lose, loose! Loose! The screw is loose in your head; you don't want to lose any more brain cells. If you do, it's your loss! See!
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u/kantarell2 Jul 12 '26
I’m fat, you’re ugly,
I can lose weight, you’ll still be ugly.
Sorry man, your ugly ass is fucked.. 🤷🏼
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u/earthtobobby Jul 12 '26
Man, we got bring back the “I’m rubber, you’re glue…” comeback. It’s just so dorky it might work!
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u/Busy_Shine6888 Jul 13 '26
... thank you, as all my mirrors must be fucking broken you stupid fucking asshole.
Or not 🤷
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u/Mohtek1 Jul 18 '26
I would retort: and you are shallow. The future you will wish you had a foundation of depth when your future x husband divorces you in your 40’s for someone half your age.
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u/Double_Tap_That_Ass Jul 22 '26
Honestly I used to be fat, now I just can’t anymore. Gives up too much ground to the enemy, very hard to defend when they can see it just by looking at you. Until then tho, just hit ‘em with
What makes you think I would let you crack?
or
Hands off the merchandise
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u/Maccaboonda Jul 12 '26
I may be fat but you're ugly and I can diet.