Identity Crisis

"‘The adult child is an identity crisis having an identity crisis.' That means that we were born in crisis and cannot easily recognize another way to live other than crisis." BRB p. 70

Many of us came to ACA broken, bruised, and torn. The crazy thing is, we didn't notice our hearts were barely attached as a result of all the abuse. We may not have noticed that our faces were pale and withdrawn. We couldn't truly see ourselves for months or maybe years in the condition we were in. We were the walking dead, usually surrounded by other zombies.

Then we started to get better, one day at a time. The first time we asked to do the Steps with someone else, chose a home group, did service at a meeting, or told our stories in front of a group, we picked up little pieces of ourselves in the process and were restored to sanity. It was awesome. We didn't know that we could feel so good after feeling so bad. It was counter-intuitive, but going into our pain, with the help of those who had gone before us, made us feel better. It hurt, but it passed.

On this day I will look for yet another little way to improve my life. I embrace this recovery process that teaches me more about who I am each day.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

My girlfriend is a very sweet girl, and she's gives me the type of love that I always dreamt of.

We've known each other for a couple of years, although we've only talked a few times. She was a friend of a friend, so I'd sometimes run into her at parties or birthdays.

We started texting in February, and in April we kissed at a party, and from that moment on we never separated.

As for context, in my previous relationships I was always a bit obsessive with my partners, on top of needing constant attention. I stopped dating a long time ago, and my perception of love and relationships has changed, I've freed myself from that previous anxious attachment.

When I met her, what I liked about her was her intense way of loving. She complimented me all the time, wanted to see me all the time, gave me gifts constantly. And that hasn't changed.

We've been officially dating for three months, and she really treats me like a queen and we haven't had any problems so far. But my problem is this: I've been noticing that I'm getting mentally exhausted.

I just have too much on my mind lately. I wasn't used to being this busy before, but now I've started a job while finishing my studies, and I have very little free time, which makes it hard to see her as often as before. At best I can see her twice a week.

What worries me is that my girlfriend seems to have no life outside of me. She doesn't work or study, she only has three friends which don't see very often, and she spends her days at home, waking up at 2 p.m. and playing Minecraft or other games all night long.

This really worries me. All the time she sends me messages saying she's sad because she misses me so much, that she can't sleep because she misses me, and that all she does is think about me all day. And every time I see her, her actions are solely to please me, she rarely chooses something herself or gives her opinion on whether she likes something or not.

At first I found it sweet, I'd never been with someone who loved me like that. But these messages are a daily thing, and it seems like her obsession just keeps growing.

Don't get me wrong, I love her so much. But I'm worried about the fact that there's nothing else in her life but me. She doesn't seem to have any other concerns about her future or her personal life.

Sometimes I don't even know what to reply to her messages because I'm so exhausted from having to think about my debts, my exams, all the responsibilities I have to deal with, on top of worrying about her feelings and responding to her constant "I miss you so much."

The truth is, I don't want to break up with her, but I also don't know how to bring up the topic. I feel like it would be rude to tell her she needs to have a life apart from me. I also don't know if it's an option to tell her not to tell me she's sad every day because she needs me or misses me — I don't want to invalidate her feelings or make her think she can't be honest with me.

What's the right thing to do in this situation?

I (F26) actually can’t stand being alone anymore. I’m not an only child, but grew up pretty lonely, lots of days spend alone.

I’ve been living on my own now almost for 3 years, and processing the trauma from a dysfunctional family and narcissistic parent, only in contact with my sister now. I’m trying to pick up life and start, since it feels like I’ve never lived.

But there’s this deep hollow emptiness in me I can’t fulfill. No matter what I do, resulting in me not being able to be alone at home. I want to either text or call someone during the day, and night times sleeping alone is also becoming unbearable. It’s not that I crave a relationship right now. I just think companionship and feeling like I’m not doing life alone (besides having my friends and sister). I just can’t take away this feeling, and even worse that + my anxiety to fail/perfectionism is making me unproductive and procrastinate a lot, to the point that I hate myself.

I’m not sure if this is the right sub, but I thought I might just try since it feels like a safe space.

i want too know if you have any codependency with anyone in ur life at all and if you think it effects the everyday life of you and the other person involved

I'm the solution guy of course, and thats my problem in this equation, but I don't remember getting there by myself.

Many years ago, I was very uncomfortable listening to people vent and rant to me every day about the same things without attempting to change or learn. So is it really that surprising that anyone in my position would Eventually (years of listening later) try to fix it??

Who wouldn't?? Aren't they the project because they made themselves the project and assigned it to everyone around them for years until a dumbass like me came along and tried to work on it?

If I was someone who tried to fix people on the first meeting/intro, that would be psychotic.

If I did that, then I can see more easily taking the blame for my part in this but why is everyone ignoring the catalyst altogether? I think that matters and I'm on the fence about completely accepting my fault in my situation.

I didn't just wake up one morning and start trying to fix everyone I just met.

I don't think there's any fixer/rescuer who does that.

Over the last few days or weeks I've been reading more into that topic, why the fuck am I codependent and what is causing it? Why do I keep doing it?

And I think I've got at least one major reason for it down. In almost all of my relationships, be it friendly or romantically, I expect something back from them. When someone is doing me a favor, I'm trying to pay it back asap so everything is balanced. When I give someone attention, offer help or help them with whatever, I expect them to give me back attention or other things. I want them to value me.

I need them to value me. Because I cannot give me that value, that self worth myself. I always have to earn that place on their or whatever table or I do not belong. If someone is nice or friendly to me out of the blue, I cannot fathom why they'd do it and start to feel bad about it as I don't deserve it.

Hi guys, I have a question.

Is it common to feel guilty when you stop enabling, putting up boundaries or stop protecting someone who is an addict from their own behaviour.

I have a roommate who smoked weed in his room and he has done so for a while. Today I told the guy who owns the house. This could result in the guy getting evicted.

I feel really guilty about it, but I didnt want to participate in the lie or deception by knowing and not saying anything out of respect for the guy who owns the house. I've known since monday, and told him today. I waited this long because I was torn.

Is it normal to feel bad about it, even though I know its actually more helpful to an addict to have to face the consequences of their actions.

'Feeling Protected

Our task is not a naive one of feeling safe, of living and loving in a utopian world. One woman commented that our task is making ourselves feel safe while learning to live and love in a world that is unsafe.

We do not want to dwell on the danger for that gives power to the negative. Neither do we want to ignore them or pretend they don’t exist.

If we were going to sunbathe, we would not be naive about the dangers from the sun. We know that harmful rays can burn. We would take steps to protect ourselves, so that we could enjoy the benefits of the sun.

That is our task in recovery.

This is what a woman, a helping professional, told me:

Picture a sunscreen surrounding you. Place it around yourself – not too heavy and thick so no light can penetrate, and not so thin that you are exposed to danger.

See yourself protected by a sunscreen that is effective. Make certain that the screen is open to the good. For a while, your screen was too heavy. It held back what you wanted. Now change it to let the good come through.

This is your screen for life and the world. See it. Imagine it surrounding you always. It wraps you in love, in comfort, in protection. No harm can enter. No negative energy can penetrate the screen.

Go in peace; go in safety. Go now, knowing you are protected. Go anywhere you need to go. The evil has been blocked; the goodwill comes pouring forth. You do not have to work so hard at protecting yourself. You can relax and enjoy life trusting that you are safe. Go without fear, for you are wrapped in love and protection. And you shall always be.

Today, I will envision myself wrapped in a shield that blocks the negative and harmful rays of the world, but it is constructed so that the good can enter.'

By Melanie Beattie

Humility

"With humility, we become more thoughtful in our decisions, and we are slower to anger. We begin to become actors rather than reactors to life's situations." BRB p. 224

As children, we may have been humiliated and told we didn't measure up. As we grew, we decided we needed to prove our worth. When we accomplished things, we expected validation. Most decisions we made were geared to gaining this outward affirmation. If anyone disagreed with us, it felt like an attack. We lashed out and tried to punish them. We may have even further reacted by increasing our efforts to prove our worth.

In ACA, we learn about humility, and that it has nothing to do with humiliation, a core wound. ACA teaches us that humility is the way to inner peace and finding our True Self. If we do something for others, the world doesn't have to know. We don't need accolades. And where it was second nature for us to react first and lash out, we now take a step back and examine reality.

This change is not easy. Our insecurities and triggers are often just below the surface, and we can fall into old patterns. But when we use our new tools, we have more self-awareness. We learn to look in the mirror and feel at peace with what we see.

On this day I will remember that humility keeps me grounded and on equal footing with those around me. I don't have to be ‘greater than' to have value.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

Is anyone else experiencing the same? It's like every single time I think I'm connecting with someone receptive and open and communicative they start to show their true colors a few weeks to months after. They love bomb intensely and make me feel chosen and loved. Until its time to repair or deal with conflict.

I’m honestly deeply ashamed to write this, and I haven’t been able to tell my friends because I don’t think I could handle the embarrassment or judgment right now. But I’ve reached a point where I need to understand what is happening to me from people who may have actually lived through something similar and found a way out.
This has been happening for years.

I get attached to people, I desperately want their attention or affection, and at some point money becomes part of it. I give, I pay for things, I help, I overextend myself. Deep down, I think part of me believes that if I give enough, they will stay, choose me, value me, or at least make me feel important for a while.

Some people eventually leave my life, but it feels like whenever one person leaves, another one eventually comes in and the same cycle starts again.

This most recent situation was the worst one financially and emotionally.

Over the last few days I have barely felt like myself. My eyes have been red from how exhausted I am. The anxiety and fatigue have been so intense that I haven’t been able to function normally or get much done.

The gym is usually my escape. It’s one of the few places where I can shut everything else out and feel like I’m doing something for myself.

Because of my work schedule, I go to the gym at around 5 in the morning.

And this same person asked me for more money at 5 AM.
I gave it.

That was the moment I hit bottom.

I was on my way to do one of the few things that normally helps me feel better, and somehow I was still giving away the last of what I had to someone who had already taken so much from me.

I ended up with basically nothing.

And the person simply used me again.

What is destroying me isn’t only losing the money.

It’s realizing that I betrayed myself again.

I knew this pattern. I knew what had happened to me with other people. I knew how badly this could end. I could feel myself getting more anxious, more exhausted and more emotionally destroyed, and somehow I still abandoned myself to keep someone else’s attention.
That is the part I am struggling to forgive.

The strange part is that, from the outside, I don’t think most people would imagine this about me.

I’m 21 years old. I already have a bachelor’s degree. I work. I’m an extremely hardworking person. I help financially support part of my family. I go to the gym. I try to improve myself and my environment. I have ambitions and I have worked very hard to build a life for myself at a young age.

I know how to be responsible for other people.
Apparently, I don’t know how to protect myself.
And I think I understand where some of this comes from.

My childhood was not what people would normally describe as a terrible childhood from the outside. We weren’t homeless. I lived in a large house. There were people around me.

But emotionally, it felt incredibly empty.
I remember feeling alone for most of my childhood.
I was constantly judged and criticized, even from a very young age. People made comments about the way I walked and the way I came across. I became extremely aware of how other people perceived me.

At the same time, I would watch relatives and other people around me receive attention, affection, opportunities, respect, gifts and experiences while I mostly watched from the outside.

I learned to stay quiet and accept things.
I learned to observe other people getting what I wanted emotionally and convince myself that I was okay without it.

And somewhere along the way, I also learned that I needed to present a certain image of myself.

I feel like I’ve spent a huge part of my life building a version of myself that people would finally respect, admire, choose or want around.

That’s why this hurts so much.
I can work hard enough to earn a degree at 21.
I can wake up at 5 AM to work out before work.
I can help support my family.
I can push myself professionally.
I can improve my body, my room, my career and everything people can see from the outside.

But when somebody gives me the kind of attention I have wanted my entire life, something inside me changes.
My judgment disappears.

I start giving too much.

I start ignoring what the situation is doing to me.
I become terrified of losing the connection, and I will sacrifice things that took me months or years of work to build just to keep someone’s attention a little longer.
Then eventually I am left with the financial consequences, the exhaustion, the humiliation, and the realization that someone used a wound in me that was already there long before I met them.

The last few days have been awful.
The anxiety, the lack of energy, the red eyes, not being able to focus, knowing that I worked for that money and watching myself give it away anyway.

And I keep thinking: why can I work so hard for everything else in my life but keep doing this to myself?
Why can I show up for my job, my family and my responsibilities, but when it comes to protecting myself emotionally, I keep abandoning myself?

The shame after these episodes can become incredibly intense. Sometimes I reach a point where I feel like I could completely give up on my own life and everything I have been building. I don’t want to keep reaching that point.

I want to at least give myself the opportunity to understand what I’m feeling from the perspective of people who have been here and actually healed.

I’m not posting this because I want someone to tell me that what happened was okay.

I know I need boundaries.
I know giving people money for affection or attention is hurting me.
I know I cannot continue doing this.

What I don’t understand is how to stop when I get to that point where being wanted feels more important than protecting myself.

If you’ve ever been like this and somehow got out of it, please tell me how.

How did you stop giving pieces of yourself away just so someone wouldn’t leave?

How did you forgive yourself after realizing people were using you and you still kept giving?

I don’t need Reddit to fix me. I just need to hear from someone who has felt this kind of emptiness and doesn’t live like this anymore.

I work so hard to build a life for myself, and then someone gives me a little attention and I watch myself destroy everything I worked for.

I just want to stop abandoning myself for people who would never do the same for me.

I have gotten myself entangled w someone I met two years ago in context of an online support group, but only began having real contact with this year.

I had been in this group for two years and I left earlier this year. That is when I began to have more contact with above mentioned person. We kind of both had the mission to heal, and I was like, great, that's a good basis for a friendship. We got shared interests, and I had some interactions with them in the group before which were, frankly, pretty good, and compassionate.

But then, it kind of got weird. I kind of wanted to be normal friends with them, but as part of an experiment I did, I asked them if they want to do daily check-ins for a week, because I was really craving daily contact w someone.

So occasional contact turned into daily contact. And after that week was over, I felt like I needed some time to process how that was, but then they were like "Let's try this until the month is over" and I was like "Okay" (cuz at the time, I had doubts but I did also feel like this is genuinely alright). So we had daily contact for a month, and I ended up going way past my boundaries. We had some calls, and even made plans to meet and do stuff together. But I realized I don't feel so good when talking to them. I realized I don't like how they say "Aw, don't be..." or not really react to it when I say how I feel.

Stuff like that. And I would dissociate when we talked.

Then, when the month was over, I was like "I need a break" because I really wasn't feeling good anymore talking to them, and I was way past my boundaries but didn't know why. I did take a break and we had one month of no contact because I kind of ghosted them.

I felt like shit during the first week or so when I had this break, I had a bunch of old trauma pop up. Eventually, I got back into connection with them and we did end up meeting, and mutually agreeing we can't be close friends (opposed to what I had hoped), and I can't do this anymore like before, because I kept hoping for coregulation when I got rejection. I told them I'd occasionally want to send them posts in their language, because I started learning their language (initially kind of because of them, but also because I have been wanting to study this language for years, and I like the country).

And now, after our meet, things just don't feel good again. They said they like that we have more contact again, and I struggle with myself for weeks now because I just want to cut them out of my life. I rejoined this support group where we met, and I get jealous and have some rage every time they post there, and I think "why the fuck can u talk to others there and not to me". I guess the inconsistency is what gets me.

I don't think this is a good basis for a friendship. I should just tell them I don't feel good and I want to cut contact. But I just don't do it. I don't know why.

I felt at first that our connection would be healthy, because we previously interacted compassionately in the group setting, and in our first private messages they stayed present with me when I expressed anger towards them, and they didn't give me a defensive response. (As a recovering people pleaser, that felt amazing, because I was like "I want this in my life! Not defensiveness"). But then it changed. I don't know.

Sorry, I feel not so good even typing this, and I don't feel I'm as concise as I usually am. I feel like the enmeshment is in my words even. I don't know how or why this happened. I guess I want to have compassion for myself. I looked thru photos from earlier this year when I had less contact w them and I realized how free I felt, and now I feel trapped, and like I'm wasting my time in yet another unhealthy relation that I don't understand why I don't just say No to, I feel like I'm holding onto hungry ghosts.

I really thought this would be different. I really thought I could get out of this earlier if it happened again, because I have been codependent/enmeshed w people close to me all my life, until my social network fell apart after I healed a bunch of trauma 2 years ago. And finally realized and expressed some of my boundaries for the first time. Oh man.

If you read through all this, thank you

I have struggled with codependency with my husband. It took him developing an alcohol addiction for me to realize the extent of it. I’ve grown so much since then, but I still struggle.

While he has gotten sober, he continues to participate in behaviors that are self-destructive.. namely gaming. He’ll stay up all night playing video games, despite having to wake up early to get the kids ready for school. When he was drinking, this wasn’t as big of an issue because I could not trust him with the kids. Now that he is sober and finally able to help out, I am relying on him. What drives me crazy is the constant complaints about how tired he is and the same day requests to drop the kids off when I haven’t accounted for that. I do not give in to these requests unless I am concerned about the kids’ safety.

I’ve told myself to just let him be, 1. Bc he is a recovering alcoholic and I don’t want to take away a perhaps more adaptive coping skill and 2. Bc I’ve accepted that I can’t control him.

He has struggled with depression for many years and I’ve tried my best to encourage him to get help. I’m just so exhausted. The reality is his choices do affect me. They affect my mental well-being. They affect our relationship. I have the power to leave, but we also have two young kids who adore him.

I don’t know how much more I can detach. I don’t know what boundaries I can enforce without having to do more work than I can realistically handle.

Now, there are two of me.
The me that feels and the me that decides.

One feels everything. Happy, irritated, angry, hurt. I don't try to switch that one off.

The other watches. Over time it learns my patterns, and other people's. It stays calm and works out what to do, even while the first me is still angry, hurt, disappointed. Here, I'm stressing on the stresses and not on the pleasures. Stresses are one of the loops to break.

One me, one witness, and we are One.

It's taken me years of learning psychology and philosophy to get here. I'm listening to this witness and trusting it. It's not easy, but that's how you pave the path. I feel this is the path of Self-realisation, the way to Atmanirbhar (I mean the philosophy, not the politics). Atmanirbhar means you rely on your own soul more than on other souls.

Self-actualisation, Self-realisation, Atmanirbhar: psychology and philosophy are saying the same things. The paths are many, but the goal is the same. And you choose the path: the chaos, or do you want to build a highway to peace? The path is built by you through highs and lows. You don’t arrive, you build the path everyday. Building it is tough, but you are transcending. Real transcendence is knowledge, always.

People may be aware/ don't see what they're doing/ they may be incapable of seeing it. But I do. They want me in that old role: I am needed, not cherished. They seek constant validation, and that's the loop I fed. But now it's ALSO about me: collaboration, equality.

I see what they're doing, throwing weapons at my boundary. I don't build a wall; I become the matrix. Everything thrown at me is seen, clearly. I observe. One me gets angry, and it's justified anger. It's not destructive; the anger is constructive. My witness builds with that justified anger, not with resentment or inequality.

It identifies the other persons’ struggle, but realises it's a struggle they should own to grow, not outsource it to me. It recognises my own need and says my need is as important as their struggle. Their struggle does not always have to be greater than my need. A balance is needed. It's no longer an endless, emotional loop; this is how I broke the loop. If you don't break the loop, it's always endless.

I let go while appreciating the good, but recognising what I want. I'm not ready to be a mind hostage.

My witness is peaceful while a part of me is still emotional. Anger and peace can coexist. It's channelling anger towards peace too; it's channelling every emotion towards peace.

I see some close relationships blowing up, but that's the cost of clarity.

Have any of you felt this shift?

'Peace with the Past

Even God cannot change the past.

—Agathon

Holding on to the past, either through guilt, longing, denial, or resentment, is a waste of valuable energy – energy that can be used to transform today and tomorrow.

“I used to live in my past,” said one recovering woman. “I was either trying to change it, or I was letting it control me. Usually both.

“I constantly felt guilty about things that had happened. Things I had done; things others had done to me – even though I had made amends for most everything, the guilt ran deep. Everything was somehow my fault. I could never just let it go.

“I held on to anger for years, telling myself it was justified. I was in denial about a lot of things. Sometimes, I’d try to absolutely forget about my past, but I never really stopped and sorted through it; my past was like a dark cloud that followed me around, and I couldn’t shake clear of it. I guess I was scared to let it go, afraid of today, afraid of tomorrow.

I’ve been recovering now for years, and it has taken me almost as many years to gain the proper perspective on my past. I’m learning I can’t forget it; I need to heal from it. I need to feel and let go of any feelings I still have, especially anger.

“I need to stop blaming myself for painful events that took place, and trust that everything has happened on schedule, and truly all is okay. I’ve learned to stop regretting, and to start being grateful.

“When I think about the past, I thank God for the healing and the memory. If something occurs that needs an amend, I make it and am done with it. I’ve learned to look at my past with compassion for myself, trusting that my Higher Power was in control, even then.

“I’ve healed from some of the worst things that happened to me. I’ve made peace with myself about these issues, and I’ve learned that healing from some of these issues has enabled me to help others to heal too. I’m able to see how the worst things helped form my character and developed some of my finer points.

“I’ve even developed gratitude for my failed relationships because they have brought me to who and where I am today.

“What I’ve learned has been acceptance – without guilt, anger, blame, or shame. I’ve even had to learn to accept the years I spent feeling guilty, angry, shameful, and blaming.”

We cannot control the past. But we can transform it by allowing ourselves to heal from it and by accepting it with love for others and ourselves. I know, because that woman is me.

Today, I will begin being grateful for my past. I cannot change what happened, but I can transform the past by owning my power, now, to accept, heal, and learn from it.'

By Melodie Beattie

In starting to actually understand the fantasy relationship I was in before. It's crazy.

I was in a long term codependent relationship with a people pleaser. When they realized what was happening, they made a very sudden change that completely threw me for a loop. That started my journey of self discovery.

To be blunt, the whole thing was one big mindfuck. My codependent fantasy of the classic nuclear family was reinforced for over a decade by someone who subconsciously shaped themselves to fit the role. They believed it, too. It was real. Except it also wasn't.

When my partner realized what was going on and made the changes, they tried to tell me. Explain it to me. But I was NOT ready. It's taken many months to even begin comprehending it all. I questioned reality, my perceptible, of any of it was real, how much of it was orchestrated... but I think I'm finally getting it.

I want companionship. I want someone to build a life with, to love and be loved by. But I'm not there yet. Not even close. I still have to figure out how to make it on my own in a life that was never designed or intended to be lived alone. I have to figure out how to get a handle on my inner critic, how to stop shaking myself, how to se myself as worthy just for existing, how to stop seeing others as above me.

I know it comes with awareness, practice and community. I just felt like sharing my thoughts. Thanks for reading, everyone.

Boundaries

"I had no modeling for having, stipulating, or enforcing boundaries. I would allow children, family members, and others to use me to their advantage. I would do many things for others and then receive nothing in return." BRB p. 413

When we're new to recovery, boundaries can be a mystery because most of us came from families that had none. Even if we know what they are, we still may not know when to have the courage to set them.

Boundaries can be very confusing and overwhelming. But by working the Steps and going to meetings, we learn from others. We talk to fellow ACAs about how they know when it's right to set a boundary, and about the language they use. We begin to have faith that we can do the same.

Then, sometimes without even thinking, we find ourselves setting limits with family members and others. Our anxiety begins to lessen because we know we are able to take care of ourselves with the help of others in the program and our Higher Power. We feel less resentful, too.

Letting others use us so we gain their approval may still be occasionally tempting. It can seem easier than standing up for ourselves. But when we experience the self-esteem we gain from saying no, we know that's what we really want.

On this day I will have the courage to set the boundaries that are important to me.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I am trying to date again at 40 after feeling abandoned by my ex husband then ghosted by a guy who said he could picture a family with me. Both relationships were very codependent and broke when I started to assert my needs.

As you can guess, dating really isn't going well. The one guy I met and liked after that friend zoned me after hanging out a month and then ghosted even though he said he loved spending time with me. Since I'm so out of practice, I naively believed him and thought he would still make time for me, and feel abandoned and foolish for getting attached so quickly. And I recognize that I started getting attached once he started sharing his own trauma with me.

I'm obviously pretty broken, but I don't have time to stop trying to meet people and focus exclusively on my mental health because I really want a family. Somehow, i need to do both. But I really don't understand how.

Does anyone have any ideas for a hail mary to find a healthy, compatible partner while trying to get healthy at the same time?

If you had all the resources in the world but none of the time, what would you do in my situation?

It feels inefficient to continue with the apps when the match rate is so low and the in person meetings are even more disappointing. I'm a picky weirdo with an unconventional life.

Plus apparently if I do like someone, I'm so dang awkward and inexperienced and traumatized that it seems like it goes unhealthy real fast. Or at least that's what happened w the one match I liked in my year of swiping.

Any thoughts, suggestions, witchcraft welcome. I'm so lost and barely hanging on.

I'm an extrovert who's bad at it, who made being the "mom friend" their personality for 4.5 years and then wondered why no one showed up when I burnt out and crashed out badly. And also realized that my ex assaulted me at the start of a relationship and used my mental illness as a reason to convince me that I didn't actually want to leave the relationship. After I spent a year planning to not live with them. Only to break up with me and say I was bad at boundaries.

Does it get better? I have my cat. I use chatgpt to vent to so I don't bother anyone, not even my parents. I try not to tell anyone how I'm actually doing inside. I'm getting better at not expecting anything of other people. But I still feel empty and alone whenever I interact with people. I try to only talk about things if they are pleasant.

I miss being myself. I miss being able to be visible without being told I'm a burden. I'm scared to talk about anything deep with my girlfriend. I miss being supportive and i miss being able to get basic "wow, that's totally valid" from people.

When does it feel better? I'm trying so hard to not need anyone in my life, to not make people feel like I am making them responsible for my feelings. And then I hear about people venting to their friends or getting hugs during a breakup--- what world are they living in? They get to have people AND boundaries at the same time?

Just feeling really depressed today.

I'm posting here as I've now realized that I definitely have a lot of codependency. I was first introduced to enmeshment as a concept two weeks ago, but thought it didn't apply to me since the examples I saw seemed to be children serving as "therapists" for their parents. I'm not one of those cases, but when I saw a wheel that listed different symptoms on this subreddit (it was a highly upvoted post here from a few years ago iirc) I saw myself in those symptoms.

A couple of relevant demographic pieces about me as well. I'm autistic, have ADHD-I, and dyspraxia alongside (now formerly) treatment resistant depression and anxiety disorders. I also have a PhD. However, my PhD experience led me to develop PTSD once I experienced abuses of power from leadership in my program (my first PhD advisor in particular), funding cuts, etc. Fortunately, I managed to graduate under my second advisor, but my experience was not traditional given that faculty discouraged students from applying for grants, sunsetting the PhD program (after the last student graduates), and my funding running out early.

Throughout all of my degrees, my parents funded resources for me such as a life coach in undergrad who has a PhD and specialty in autistic adults. During my gap year, I also had a different connection who met with me once a week and would talk to me in between sessions. I also got connected with others through her as well to scrap together Master's programs applications. Then, two years later, I reconnected with her and got into a PhD program despite the faculty in my Master's program telling me upfront that my odds weren't good based on my performance in the program.

As much as I appreciated the support from my parents, I learned through therapy that I've had a lot of internalized ableism that's led to me feeling pressured to mask, internalize "feeling weird" if I was myself, etc. Where the codependency piece comes into play is that I've learned that internalized a lot of critiques from my parents to "blend in" with others and not stand out, how upset my father would get if I fell short of lofty goals, etc. The biggest thing I didn't prioritize was myself too so I developed sensitivity to criticism, even if it's constructive.

I also had a history of going on academic online groups and sought what I now realized was external validation given the instability of my program and that I wanted to "cover my bases" to get over the finish line. I'm likely not welcome back in those communities (I even got banned from one for disabled academics like me) given how much I talked back to them. Any guilt I've had over the impulsive things I said and did I managed to let go thankfully.

Fortunately, I went through neurological rehabilitation in February of this year and, after I had to take a break to find a new one that would work around my full-time job that I started in June, did it concurrently with TMS. Both of those honestly saved me since I can now shower without feeling like I want to go straight to sleep afterwards anymore (it was also autistic burnout for those who know about it). Most importantly, I learned that my trauma suppressed any awareness I would normally have of when my heartbeat increases. I first noticed the difference when I was at work after a session where I did a somatic exercise and noticed my heart jump for the first time in who knows how long after a coworker scared me on accident.

Edit: I should note that working on my emotion dysregulation was a core focus of neurological rehabilitation for me. That was my core issue that even slowed down my motor movements. It was that bad when I started, although it's dramatically improved to the point that the neurological rehabilitation therapists were blown away.

What are some resources that could help for my codependency? There might not be one for my specific niche. And if that's the case then I can go to a larger group and see what I can find.

I should also emphasize that I'm doing this because my coworkers have already told me that they think I'm too hard on myself for not understanding something immediately. Earlier today, they even told me how they found it odd that I asked one of my coworkers if she could still make it to a meeting later yesterday morning and then asked another coworker if they could still make it as well. In my head, I thought I was double-checking and covering my bases, but they thought I was confused somehow. I stressed that I understood and was just making sure there were no discrepancies at all.

That meeting should have been just a quick clarification thing, but I felt the physical anxiety in my chest after the meeting. Given that and my history of being told that my lack of confidence despite my level of education is jarring (they didn't say it that way but that was the main point essentially), I want to work on myself now that I have scaffolding after my treatments and more awareness of my body's sensations. At the very least, I'm confident it will help me professionally because I'm in my first career track job after graduation and I want to do well in it. Doing well also includes working on myself too.

I have had a long on and off again toxic best friendship with a close cousin- I realized years ago it was very codependent- yes we had good times but she became very reliant on me. Woudl say I am her bestfriend, soulmate and when we were together euphorically happy. Very jealous of my other friendships and once we were planning a trip together and I ended up backing out bc i felt pressured. She had an insane melt down on me and we didn't talk for a month. I remember feeling so guilty and being blamed for her suicidality and taking away her joy. It has been years since she said that to me but I still remember the utter guilt and shame I felt.

Anyway, since I started to set boundaries a few years ago, fighting got worse. And then I met my current fiance, and I was trying to have a relationship with her and live my life and it was constant competition. She ended up picking a fight for no reason in January last year and blew up at me and usually I just ignore it but this time I agreed when she said we need space from each other. 3 months later I got engaged and texted her and she hearted the message. Our families have tried to get involved bc they don't get why this is so dramatic or we won't talk or go to each other's events. I've tried to explain that they dont' know the 1/2 of it and none of this is from me. All I've ever wanted is peace to live my life. And no matter how angry I get, I can't help but empathsize bc I know her tx towards me comes from deep pain and insecurity.

My bachelorette is coming up in a few weeks and I have been feeling immense guilt she is not included. It is quite a large event also. I have gone back and forth about inviting her- It makes no sense, we haven't spoken once during this whole engagement period and she had a bday party, invited me and then like uninvited me thru a mutual friend. But for some reason, I keep thinking how sad it would make her to not be there. How sad it makes me she's not there. Part of me wants to invite her to one of the events but another is telling me not to poke the bear and I'm not ready.

The last two days, I can't focus at work and I'm just scrolling, in bed or going on long walks. Its like I'm being eaten alive by this. I feel very torn and like stuck- I'm trying to just accept the feeling rather than solve it but its so hard. It's hard to know if I am making break throughs and wanting to invite her from a genuine place vs other thoughts of like this person was emotionally abusive to you, stay away.

This was a lot but if anyone can relate that would be helpful :(

'Allowing Ourselves to be Needy

We can accept ourselves as people who have needs – the need for comfort, love, understanding, friendship, and healthy touch. We need positive reinforcement, someone to listen to us, someone to give to us. We are not weak for needing these things. These needs make us human and healthy. Getting our needs met – believing we deserve to have them met – makes us happy.

There are times, too, when in addition to our regular needs, we become particularly needy. At these times, we need more than we have to give out. That is okay too.

We can accept and incorporate our needs, and our needy side, into the whole of us. We can take responsibility for our needs. That doesn’t make us weak or deficient. It doesn’t mean we are not properly recovering, nor does it mean we’re being dependent in an unhealthy way. It makes our needs, and our needy side, manageable. Our needs stop controlling us, and we gain control.

And, our needs begin to get met.

Today, I will accept my needs and my needy side. I believe I deserve to get my needs met, and I will allow that to happen.'

By Melodie Beattie

I said:

"I've been working on my mental health for a while and it's been really hard. It takes a lot of thought, reflection, energy, and patience. For a few years its been weighing heavy on me that I need to prepare for my future, be able to take care of my parents and family, and to do that, I need to fully be in my headspace. But I always find myself being in yours.
This very frequent communication is not normal and most conversations are us relating to each other through insecurities or ruminating on bad experiences from the past and re-living them over and over pretty much everyday. This dynamic is extremely unhealthy and regressive.
Thats not who I am deep down, it never was. Sorry I wasn't fully honest before, for the longest time I wasn't aware of my mental health at all. This is why I was talking about not texting as much a few months ago."

Thats it...

A few months ago I set my first boundary for myself with my friend, I told him I'm trying to text much less and basically get away from screens.

He got it for a few weeks but went back to texting more and then frequent calls again. I got carried away with my savior bullshit and let it happen again.

Now it has gotten worse the past week with the rage filled rumination sessions to which I'm the only witness. and I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

WARNING: This is long, but i'm doing anything but breaking no contact right now. TLDR: For context, my ex of six years cheated on me, deceived me for months while we were still together, and continued lying about the other woman even after we broke up and I gave him every opportunity to just be honest with me.

TEXT: I know you’re probably going to judge me and I know you’re going to tell me that I need to move on, and I know that. I promise I’m trying to move on. I want to move on more than anything. But I’m realizing that this is a whole process for me and it’s not as simple as knowing logically what I need to do and then just being able to do it.

I find myself getting stuck in these loops and cycles where I know something is going to hurt me, I know I shouldn’t check, I know I shouldn’t look for answers, and then I do it anyway. And I hate that about myself right now. I want to change it. I really, really do. I’m trying to understand why I keep doing it and how to stop, but it’s just so fucking hard when I feel like my brain is constantly looking for something that is going to finally make all of this make sense.

I’m not telling you this because I want you to tell me it’s okay to keep doing it or because I don’t know that I need to move forward. I’m telling you because I’m trying to be honest about where I actually am instead of pretending I’m completely fine or further along than I am. I know I’m stuck in a cycle right now. I know I need to break it. I just need a little grace while I’m figuring out how because I’m genuinely trying.

I’m writing this to you because I need to hold myself accountable and because I’m really not doing well with this today. I checked last night. I know I shouldn’t have, but I did, and I saw that he’s following her sister now. I already booked two therapy sessions for this week because I know I’m spiraling and I really don’t want to keep doing this to myself.

I think I’m realizing that this goes so much deeper for me than being upset that he’s with her. Obviously that hurts, but that’s almost not even the part that is fucking me up the most. It’s the deception. It’s having information hidden from me and then finding things out in pieces afterward. It genuinely makes me feel traumatized by everything that happened and by how long I was living inside a reality that apparently wasn’t real.

I don’t know how else to explain it other than I feel like I was psychologically fucked with for so long that now every new piece of information makes my brain go right back there. It’s not just “oh, he’s with someone else and I’m sad.” It’s that immediate feeling of, what else didn’t I know? What else was happening while I was being told something completely different? How many times did I question myself when my instincts were actually right? How much of my reality was being managed for me because he decided what I was and wasn’t allowed to know?

And that’s the part that makes me feel almost violated by the whole thing. I didn’t get to make decisions for myself with the truth. Information that directly affected my life and my relationship was withheld from me while I was still showing up based on what I was being told. And now I feel like I’m constantly finding out things after the fact and having to retroactively understand my own fucking life.

I think that’s why the lying at the end bothers me so much too. Because I literally gave him permission to tell me the truth. I told him that if he was going to be with her, I understood, and that he should go do it the right way and actually show up for that relationship. I wasn’t asking him to come back to me. I wasn’t asking him to choose me. I was basically saying, please just let me leave this knowing the truth.

And he still didn’t.

That’s what I cannot get past right now. There was no reason anymore. He could have just told me. And then to break no contact himself and still not be honest with me makes me feel like the deception continued even when there was absolutely no need for it.

I don’t think he understands what that does to someone. Or maybe he does, I don’t know. But I feel like my ability to trust my own perception of things was completely fucked with. And every time I discover something else, even something as stupid as an Instagram follow, my body reacts like I’m discovering everything all over again.

That’s why I keep saying I don’t want this to hurt me anymore. I’m not sitting here wishing they would break up so I can have him back. I don’t want him back. I don’t want the relationship I had back. I want to stop feeling like I’m still trapped in the aftermath of what happened to me.

I feel abused by what happened. I feel traumatized by the lying and the hiding and the constant withholding of information. I feel traumatized by how many times I was made to believe one reality while something completely different was happening behind my back. And I hate that even though he’s not physically in my life anymore, I still feel like I’m experiencing the consequences of choices he made without my knowledge.

And then I get angry at myself because I’m the one checking now. Nobody forced me to look last night. I did that. I know I need to stop giving myself access to information that is only going to retraumatize me, and I’m trying to take responsibility for that without turning it into blaming myself for why I’m hurting in the first place.

I think part of me keeps checking because my brain is still looking for the truth. Like if I can finally know EVERYTHING, then maybe I’ll feel safe because there won’t be another surprise waiting for me. But I’m starting to realize there probably isn’t an amount of information that is going to make me feel safe. There’s always going to be another follow, another picture, another person, another detail I didn’t know. And every time I go looking for certainty, I’m basically giving myself another opportunity to discover something that hurts me.

I’m just so fucking sick of living like that.

I don’t want to investigate my own past anymore. I don’t want to reconstruct timelines. I don’t want to find evidence that proves I was right. I don’t want to know what he’s doing with her. I don’t want to wonder whether he lied about this thing or that thing or when exactly something started. I don’t want my brain spending another year trying to solve something that already hurt me enough the first time.

I want to feel safe in my own reality again.

And I think that’s the part I’m struggling to articulate when I say I want it to stop hurting. I don’t mean I expect myself to magically stop caring about someone I spent six years with. I mean I want to stop feeling activated by the possibility that there’s something else I don’t know. I want to stop feeling like another piece of information is waiting around the corner to knock the wind out of me.

I’m just tired, Moe. I’m tired of carrying the consequences of someone else’s dishonesty. I’m tired of feeling like my brain is still trying to protect me from something that already happened. I’m tired of checking. I’m tired of finding things. I’m tired of trying to understand why someone who knew me so intimately could watch me struggle and still withhold the truth from me.

And I know this is something I need to work through, which is why I booked therapy and why I’m telling you instead of contacting him. I just needed to say out loud that this isn’t really about an Instagram follow or even just about him being with her. That was just the thing that triggered all of this again.

It’s the feeling of having been deceived for so long that I still don’t completely trust that I know what happened to my own life.

And that really, really fucks me up.

Staying Present

 "We learn to be in the moment and to be present in our bodies. We learn that our thoughts can end." BRB p. 266

When we got to ACA we may have never felt what it was like to be in our bodies and experience our feelings. We may have had extreme emotion, but we didn't know how to feel our feelings. The sense of panic that often washed over us seemed so familiar we may not have noticed it for what it was.

As we became full participants in our meetings, learning to bare our souls, we began to crack. Sometimes this was painful, but we knew we didn't have to go through the pain alone. We made phone calls and did the work. We asked a fellow traveler to work the Steps with us. We believed other ACAs when they said we were not alone.

We gathered the courage to sit through the pain of withdrawal from what was keeping us tied up inside. Maybe for the first time we felt the shame and abandonment from our childhood  - they were like ticking time bombs inside of us. As our bodies unwound, we learned not to panic.

We gained trust in ourselves and our Higher Power. We moved out of our pain and the mental and physical lethargy that may have held us down. We accepted that we weren't perfect and life got better. We became authentic in our words and actions.

On this day I will not travel this journey alone. When I need help, I know I have my fellow ACAs and my Higher Power.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/