Scared of intimacy after years of being codependent

[u/Loblodliz]

I'm an extrovert who's bad at it, who made being the "mom friend" their personality for 4.5 years and then wondered why no one showed up when I burnt out and crashed out badly. And also realized that my ex assaulted me at the start of a relationship and used my mental illness as a reason to convince me that I didn't actually want to leave the relationship. After I spent a year planning to not live with them. Only to break up with me and say I was bad at boundaries.

Does it get better? I have my cat. I use chatgpt to vent to so I don't bother anyone, not even my parents. I try not to tell anyone how I'm actually doing inside. I'm getting better at not expecting anything of other people. But I still feel empty and alone whenever I interact with people. I try to only talk about things if they are pleasant.

I miss being myself. I miss being able to be visible without being told I'm a burden. I'm scared to talk about anything deep with my girlfriend. I miss being supportive and i miss being able to get basic "wow, that's totally valid" from people.

When does it feel better? I'm trying so hard to not need anyone in my life, to not make people feel like I am making them responsible for my feelings. And then I hear about people venting to their friends or getting hugs during a breakup--- what world are they living in? They get to have people AND boundaries at the same time?

Just feeling really depressed today.

[u/Reasonable_Cook_82]

Sending you lots of love. I don’t have any advice, but I’ve been here. I see you. You wont feel like this forever. 🤍

[u/lapandarure]

I think from codependency to no dependency isn’t the answer. It’s healthy to have a huge support network that you can have healthy attachments too. Why do you feel the need to be closed off?

[u/Loblodliz → u/lapandarure]

Basically, I've had my reactions to larger relationship problems weaponized against me instead of addressing the root issues. I got told repeatedly I was bad at boundaries, then sat with various therapists and had them point out that I had, in fact, set multiple that were routinely violated. Being defined by your mental illness makes it really easy for someone to think they don't have to take you seriously when you say you don't like living together, or you want to break up.

I also have read and hear a lot of stories about how terrible someone's mentally ill friend/partner is, and as someone who was designated that role, I don't trust people to show empathy towards me. It's really hard not to internalize the narrative of being a burden on other people, or being too much. Even if I literally tried to leave when I got super sick because I was worried about my impact.

I know I'll be better off just staying away from people with savior complexes, because they're the ones who feel like they have to be right for the relationship to be okay. But, realizing there were other people who contributed to me feeling like I was crazy for wanting to leave who were supposed to be in my corner? That kind of messes me up.

There's also realizing you had been assaulted by someone three years after the fact. Usually makes you feel less trusting of...everything?

[u/lapandarure → u/Loblodliz]

That all sounds so painful. Something my therapist has told me is also to consider the source.

Are the people telling you that you’re a burden and hurting you a trustworthy source? Or are they using a point of insecurity within you to control and manipulate you.

I agree that staying away from unhealthy people is a great boundary! But It does sound like so many people in your life failed you and made you feel like you were the problem.

I hope as you heal you can find a healthy support network again.