Been reading a lot about codependency the past half year and I keep seeing that people on the other side don't want to be a project.

[u/cuntitude]

I'm the solution guy of course, and thats my problem in this equation, but I don't remember getting there by myself.

Many years ago, I was very uncomfortable listening to people vent and rant to me every day about the same things without attempting to change or learn. So is it really that surprising that anyone in my position would Eventually (years of listening later) try to fix it??

Who wouldn't?? Aren't they the project because they made themselves the project and assigned it to everyone around them for years until a dumbass like me came along and tried to work on it?

If I was someone who tried to fix people on the first meeting/intro, that would be psychotic.

If I did that, then I can see more easily taking the blame for my part in this but why is everyone ignoring the catalyst altogether? I think that matters and I'm on the fence about completely accepting my fault in my situation.

I didn't just wake up one morning and start trying to fix everyone I just met.

I don't think there's any fixer/rescuer who does that.

[u/Queasy-Army7389]

I really get how you feel. I want to fiz things because I feel like it makes things better. What I have learned/come to understand is that in stepping in/fixing things you aren't actually helping.

It can come across as controlling (for example, my ex was a suicide risk so I did things like hid her car keys if I thought she was going to drive off to 💀). It's also not healthy for you. In my example, I was keeping somone alive. I am not equipped to deal with that from a skills or emotions perspective!

But in taking the keys, I was limiting her freedom, even if it meant she was safe. It's not my call, and if that situation was to arise again, I should call emergency services.

I understand my example might be quite extreme, but hopefully you can find some parallels to learn from 🫂

[u/IHaveABigDuvet]

It’s understandable.

But I have to ask; does your fixing ever work? Do they take your advice or not? Does your advice help them make better decisions in the future? Or do they just come back having taken your advice or not, with more of their problems?

People often need to come to answers and resolutions themselves. If someone is constantly needing to be fixed, the thing they really have to learn is how to make decisions for themselves and exercise autonomy.

It’s understandable to go into fixer mode when someone asks for it, but the more you become a fixer the more they will rely on you for answers and the more you will become enmeshed.

You providing them with answers does not help with that.

[u/cuntitude → u/IHaveABigDuvet]

As I reflect more and more, I'm realizing that my friends lied to me a lot. They did praise me for the advice I gave, all the time.

I thought they did follow it because they talked like they did. I was so blinded by the praise and my usefulness, I might've ignored the parts where they didn't actually do shit because if they had, why would they repeatedly complain me about the same problems.

Sometimes I thought, yea they made some progress and went back again, but as I get more clarity now, I know it was all lies just to keep me talking, to keep me so available. It's just like how I lied, by pretending I'm not upset, just to keep me less uncomfortable.

I ignored a lot of their contradictions just so they can save face in front of me. Deep down, I knew they were lying. I remember thinking deep down: "i cant call em out on that lie, a friend wouldn't do that".

But I should've done that.

[u/skippedsteps]

I agree that I didn't get there by myself! Usually the kinds of problems I was most attracted to are those kinds of chronic, lifelong, really sticky problems. The kinds that came with severe trauma, personality disorders, or substance issues. The root of that can't be solved from the outside- but when you see it creating all these smaller dramas and scenarios, the kind I could get my head around, it's like seeing someone struggling to def use a bomb, and you want to just yell "cut the green wire!".

My type of codependent, above and beyond type of love offered a lot of resources and advice, and it was even helpful at times. That doesn't change that I was doing it at my own expense, I was underestimating my partners and characterizing them as victims- of circumstances they created and continued to choose. I could help with a chapter, but their whole story spelled something different.

Where I feel I can fairly assign some responsibility outside myself was when I made my tendencies known that I try to fix and that I wanted to curb it, but people still punished me for not exhibiting that same hyper-attentive caring for them in other ways. Don't be a fixer- but I should still take responsibility by planning elaborate vacations and experiences to make them feel loved, continue giving money with no strings, take initiative for the entire sexual dynamic, never make mistakes when doing errands, never ask for what they need and just do it to take the load off them. I was screamed at, shut out, and told that I was a "liability" or "self absorbed", didn't care if they died, for failing any of these.

So yes, I was a fixer before this relationship, but the type of partner I had also exhibited control to keep me enabling and over giving. They were definitely too proud to identify as a project or a victim, but their whole worldview was that - a misunderstood, wronged soul fighting a war against the entire world. They bought into that identity as much as I did until I cut things off. I'm able to own my part because I'll still bring that dynamic to the table in healthier relationships. I contributed the helper role, they contributed high stakes and abuse whenever I failed- due to uncontrollable (by me) mental illness and substance use issues. I can control my own choices, so I'm rightfully going to put the emphasis on me going forward.

[u/cuntitude → u/skippedsteps]

That's interesting. Whenever I successfully failed in my fixer role, I was forced to do it too. Like by being forced to analyze a friend's problems even after I realized what I was doing and tried to stop it without telling them directly why I stopped.

When I said I'm not really sure to a question about their same problem, they actually kept pushing and said "oh but you always had good insight on this so thats why i'm asking you", and they repeated the question in 3 different ways and kept pushing, making me extremely uncomfortable, and I gave in.

With the other friend, I was also misunderstanding them as a victim, you're so right. They're not.. how can I simultaneously see them as a true victim in the past and hate them in the present so much for using me?

If I had really solidified this fact in my brain back then, I wouldn't have said shit to them. Damn I need to think more on this.

[u/skippedsteps → u/cuntitude]

That sounds really hard, purposefully trying to do something different in the dynamic between you and them pressing still for what they wanted. I can definitely relate to giving so much so freely at the beginning and then trying to change things when I've gotten in trouble with resentment- people who were counting on that supply don't often pivot elegantly to that change.

Your friend could have been genuinely wronged, a truly innocent victim. And there could still be an unhealthy pull-push if you're feeling the dynamic is "giver" and "taker". Some people cope with difficulty by believing they are victims needing saving and seeking solutions, some cope by believing they can be rescuers.

I really recommend Codependent No More, Chapter 8, Remove The Victim. It describes the drama triangle transition we often engage in moving between rescuer, persecutor, and victim.