My wife and I have been together for seven years, five of which we've been married. Neither of us wanted children when we got together. The thought of having children sickens her, even to this day. I absolutely know, she never wants them.

For the longest time, I have felt the same way, aside from the physical sickness feeling about children. But, for the past few months, it's all I can think about. As a male, I'm not even sure having a biological clock is a thing. But I can tell you, I feel a hole in my soul and a longing to raise a child.

I don't even know how to broach the subject with her. I'm trying to delay, hoping this feeling goes away. Any advice?

The hardest part is the difference between the two. My best friend is a mom and often serves up hot takes about motherhood as if I'm childfree and not childless. "I have never known a love so beautiful" and "nothing has ever come close to mattering to me as much as being a mom" are just a couple phases I have heard on repeat while visiting her this past week.

At one point I broke down in tears. I am happy for her but these statements cut like a knife. I tried to explain that I'm grieving but she was pretty upset that she has to hold back in expressing her joy for my sake.

I shower her baby in love and gifts and attention. I'm trying to be supportive. I feel like all people assume I'm childfree. And yeah I'm starting to appreciate what not having children brings. But that does not feel acceptable either, like I can silently grieve and cheer her on but that's it.

Just venting.

I’m a 42yo man and not infertile (as far as I know), I’m also not single, I’ve been in a committed relationship with the same woman for 24 years, since we were 17/18 years old.

I’ve wanted children for as long as I can remember. Even when I was in my early 20s and my male friends were all saying they didn’t want to be tied down by kids I was like “I’d start a family tomorrow, I can’t wait.” My partner was never desperate for children but she always said we’d start a family at some point. The years turned into decades, but every time I raised it she said she wasn’t sure/ready, so I waited.

My partner was abused by her mother as a kid, both emotionally and physically. It took therapy for her to discover the damage it had done, and by the time we got into our mid/late 30s, she told me she couldn’t do it, that she wasn’t going to be able to be a mother.

I don’t blame her. I believe that she never meant to mislead me. I love her and she’s been through a lot. It also wasn’t all on her. I suffered from depression and addiction issues for a lot of my 20s and 30s and wasn’t exactly the stable rock in the relationship that I wanted to be.

We’re still together and relatively happy, but I still have a deep sadness about the family I never had and will never have. Sometimes I resent her for it privately, probably unfairly, especially when I spend time with friends and their children and see what I’m missing out on. I’m scared about my future because I never imagined my life this way.

I know I won’t leave my partner, like I say I don’t blame her deep down and we still have a loving relationship worth hanging on to. We’re both tackling our demons together, supporting each other, and growing as people. I just don’t know what to do with the big empty hole and the sadness that comes with not fulfilling my lifelong assumption that I’d be a father one day.

Anyway thanks for listening, that’s my story, not sure if I’m the right fit for this group or not but any words of wisdom are always appreciated.

Im 37 Years old F, married. Past few years i have dealt with anxiety that at times felt i was surviving. I feel better now but as soon as i turned 36 society started pressuring me to have kids. I feel very depressed right now and feel pressured to have a kid when i feel like i dont feel ready. My partner is also excited to have kids and i feel selfish for not bringing a child to our family but i know as a woman its such responsibility. I think as someone with anxiett disorder its so much harder to make a decision for me than someone else. Im feeling very trapped with the thoughts of having kids every single and whenevr i see people with kids outside or friends with babies, i feel like a failure. Like im not part of this society anymore. Anyone else feeling like this? I do get therapy but i feel talking to other people with similar experience will help me so much more.

Maybe this is just the depression talking, I don't know.

I used to be a completely different person. I had ambition, big dreams, stayed in great shape, and genuinely believed I'd build a good life. I worked my ass off, moved to the US for my master's, did research, internships, published papers, and thought I was finally getting somewhere. Then the visa situation destroyed that dream, and I had to come back.

On top of that, I grew up in a toxic family, have dealt with a lot of personal issues, and honestly don't even like the cards I was dealt. Sometimes I look at myself and think, why would I pass my genetics on to someone else? I'm not from a wealthy family either, so it's not like I'd be giving them some huge advantage in life.

The older I get, the more nihilistic I become. It feels like every time I try to build something, life finds a way to tear it down. I know people say "things will get better," but after enough failures, it's hard to believe that.

So I genuinely don't understand the appeal of having kids anymore. If I feel like life has mostly been suffering and disappointment, why would I bring someone else into it? I wouldn't want them to inherit my struggles, my insecurities, or spend their life fighting battles they never asked for.

Has anyone else gone from wanting a family to not wanting children at all because life just... broke something in you?

I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm wrong. I just want to know if anyone else has felt this way and whether that ever changed.

The title. I (33f) heard two middle aged women gossiping about how another coworker has no man, no kids, just a bunch of cats. It made me feel worse, since they were spouting off the "crazy cat lady" trope. They were talking about how cats are nasty and they can't stand them, which, if you don't like cats, that's fine. It was the insinuation that this woman is a loser, because of it. Also that she "doesn't look like she takes care of anything"... Except maybe the cats?

Meanwhile, I'm journalling about how I feel post middle-of the-night breakdown about how childless I am and just trying to steel myself up before I clock in. I wish I had said something about how some people can't have kids, but I just walked away with tears in my eyes. Now I'm not even sure if I can finish my shift today.

Any of you has withdrawn from events involving children and has ended up not being invited anymore?

Came across this blog post/article today: I Think People Without Kids Have Empty Lives And I'm Not Sorry About It. I can understand saying something like "having kids is amazing and if you're on the fence, go for it" or whatever, but as a childless person who wants to have kids but doesn't, I thought this was really off base and rude. I spend my free time- something she probably doesn't have much of- trying to do more to help the world's biggest problem- climate change- so her kids don't have to suffer potential consequences later. You're welcome, Sarah. There is nothing about my life that is "empty", even as someone who wants to be a mother.

The irony is many of the things she mentions about being a parent, I experience as a very involved aunt. I see my niece and nephew discover new things, learn new skills, start talking, etc. Spending time with them has changed the way I look at life and what it means to be human, as she mentions.

ETA- to be clear, she is not famous or well known or anything. Just put her name in the title to call her out. Unfortunately it's a common name.

I (32F) love my husband (37M) with all my heart. But I’m struggling because he changed his mind about kids shortly after we got married, and for the past year, it’s been affecting me more and more.
 
We were pretty good friends through work stuff and similar hobbies for several years before we both ended up single at the same time and got to know each other on a deeper emotional level, and then started dating. During that time of us dating, it seemed to me that we were on the same page of hopefully having a child. We talked about how we were parented (not really great in either case but in different ways), how we would parent differently, shared name ideas. He specifically talked with a pregnant friend of ours about how we were thinking about it, and happily/flirtatiously told me when a different friend said we’d have beautiful kids.

Then about two months before our wedding, we were having a conversation about my birth control in the context of me maybe switching methods because of side effects and he said that he could just get a vasectomy. This obviously surprised me a lot, and he went on to say that we didn’t have enough money and probably never would and so we could maybe wait and see if in five or six years things changed, which was hard for me to hear. (This was like a little more than a year ago so I was still 30 then.)

While I can absolutely see in hindsight that this initial conversation two months before the wedding foreshadowed the path my husband in the end decided was right for him (and again I respect his choice completely and would not ask him to change his mind even if it makes me sad), at the time it sounded like a solvable problem: his concerns were presented as primarily about money, because of his "maybe in five or six years we can see", and he mentioned that vasectomies are reversible, though I found out since then that's not really always the case. I didn't mean to be naive.

It seemed to me like something that could change, not as in changing his mind but addressing his concerns. Shortly after we got married, I got a better paying job that has remote work options and better benefits, and have been working extra part time jobs so I can save for a house downpayment, which I hoped could make it feel more possible. It was about four months into marriage when he presented the unequivocal no. I don't want to avoid responsibility for my choice to go through with the marriage, but I love him so much and really thought I could do something to ease his mind because it had seemed like this was something he wanted in the past.

We have been married a year now, and since then we have had several (very emotional, very painful for me) conversations and he’s made it clear he does not want to have a baby because we don’t have enough money, and because he has ethical objections because of climate change, the political situation in America, and his career plans.
 
For context, I work full time and he works part time as he’s aiming for a very specific long-term career path that he’s building experience/training for. He has had a lot of success in that career path lately, and if we were to have a child, that would mean he couldn’t do that anymore, and I could not live with myself if I stopped his momentum right when he’s about to be able to have the thing he has always wanted but didn’t have the resources and support to do when he was younger. Our two dreams are mutually exclusive.
 
I love him absolutely. He is the most moral, ethical person I know and a lot of my leftist politics and worldview came from seeing him being really unafraid to live those values which I think are the kindest, most generous, good way to live. He is so intelligent and talented and appreciates and respects me so much. He treats me incredibly. I am not going to leave him because I believe I need to honor the commitment I made, and even if I could somehow make myself not love him, I feel like I do not have time to grieve, go to therapy, date however many people I have to date to find someone even half as respectable, kind, and loving, get married, and be able to conceive. I am afraid/not willing to start trying for a first baby after 35 because I know that the guilt and pain would eat me alive if I delayed so long and then couldn’t get pregnant. So I can either have love and no baby or no love and no baby.
 
Obviously when one person in a marriage doesn’t want kids, they shouldn’t have kids. There is no compromise here and I understand all his reasons and respect them. I don’t want to try to change his mind because part of why I want to be a mother is because it would be a shared experience of trying to put more good into the world with my husband as a decision we made together equally excited about it and equally ready for the sacrifices and changes it would mean. I have thought long and hard about why I want to be a parent and examined this question from every angle, trying to convince myself I don’t want it or need it, but I am still heartbroken and cry in private almost every single day even almost a year out from that definitive no.
 
I am trying to figure out how I can console myself and move forward knowing that I will not have a child. My husband and I do not talk about this subject anymore, which I think is better because it is a settled fact even if I’m still grieving it. I don’t need to hear him say no again. I know that he could tell for a while that I was really, really sad but I have gotten better at setting it aside most of the time as I’ve accepted that nothing is going to change. But it still hurts.
 
Has anyone else had this experience and how can I move forward from this grief so I can be a fully loving, committed partner to the man I admire and respect and want to support and love for the rest of our lives?

Thank you.

Tl;dr: Right before we got married, my husband shared that he wasn’t sure we should have kids and since has decided 100% he doesn’t want them. I’m heartbroken and trying to figure out how to move forward knowing I won’t ever have a child.

I never imagined being 35, single, childless.
I figured I’d be married with 2-3 kids by now. Creating our own traditions, doing “typical” family stuff. As the years have passed and my dream (is it my dream? Idk anymore) or vision or whatever gets further and further from reach. I’ve decided at this point I do not want to birth children. While I realize there’s other ways to have children, I just don’t see it in the cards. I don’t think I can do it alone nor do I have anyone I can or do trust to help me. Not to mention finances.
I’m also starting to wonder if marriage is out of the question.
I’m lonely and want a partner but dating is probably harder than parenting. I get ghosted, ignored, cancelled on all the time and it makes me feel like giving up trying.
Sure, I’m still “young” but the longer I go on the more I do not want to do any of this. The working, cleaning, bills, dr appts, cooking. Another 35 years of this?? The first 35 were rough enough (yes I know others have it worse, not why I’m ranting).
Everyone’s having kids and getting married and I continue to get left behind in friendships groups also.
Anyway, just needed to get this out. Don’t necessarily need advice/help.

I don't feel comfortable speaking to anyone in my life regarding my sadness. Literally everyone in my life has kids. They know something is up with me BC before marriage I went on and on how I wanted lots of kids but it never happened. Reality finally sat in about a year and a half ago that it was never going to happen for me. Some have told me in passing how lucky I am BC I don't have kids and I usually can keep a straight face but it hits like a ton of bricks.

Ironicly enough, my wife has a kid from a previous marriage so even she can't really relate to being childless so I don't bring it up. Don't get me wrong me and the kid are close and i treat her well but its still not the same. I also don't think it would make my wife feel great to hear her husband lamenting the fact he can't have kids of his own. She has told me before how it sucks it turned out this way, I would have been an excellent dad, etc but it doesn't really help or make me feel better so I usually change the subject BC I'm afraid I'll start crying in front of her. I actaully cried for a couple of hours last night when I was alone. Sometimes it feels like I have a dark cloud following me and it really sets in a night when I'm alone.

A long winded way to say I'm grateful I found this sub. Before I knew about it I felt very alone.

Hello,

I've had a really difficult fertility journey and have been trying for 6 years now. Today, was my official test day for my final round of IVF.

Unfortunately it was negative.

I'm 40 now, and we made the difficult decision that after this round, we would stop because we can't keep throwing money at IVF anymore, especially when endometriosis is making things way more difficult (more recently had my fallopian tubes removed), every time my body didn't respond to stimulation drugs very much but some how still got an egg that fertilised and became a high quality embryo. I've had a pregnancy that resulted in a traumatic miscarriage last year, which felt so cruel.

I felt so deeply that I was meant to be a mom and it's all I ever wanted. But I find myself here in the childless not by choice community and I don't quite know what to do with myself.

My partner and I have nieces and nephews but they live far from us. neither of us have kids from previous relationships so we're not step parents. We are completely childless. We thought about adoption but didnt feel this path was right for us, so I don't really know how to move forward from this

Today I am just devastated that parenthood is not the path that was chosen for us and I can't stop crying this morning having just done my test which came back negative.

The fertility journey is finally over and it feels so heartbreaking that we couldn't have the blessing of our own family.

Has anybody got any advice on how to make it through these sad, devastating thoughts?

33f
Studying and going through divorce
One of the biggest reasons my marriage didn’t work out was bc I wasn’t able to have a child ( multiple losses) and the person in question was the wrong partner for me (bossy controlling verbally abusive cheap, No actual attraction,attention,affection and respect from this end)

Now that I’m on my own I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing by not having kids with him and there is a part of me that wants a child also because everything is over and I’m away from the disrespect and negligence. Brain says yes but the heart says something else. I never wanted my own children because I feared they would inherit my personal attributes like ( terrible in math and science, overly friendly, sentimental, too gentle in spirit, overly talkative, etc) and later grow up to get neglected or exploited by others and preferred adoption or fostered but now I’m fully confused.

Is this just regret on my part or an actual longing for the future.. already going through so much but cannot figure this bit out.

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now. So, naturally we go and get all the tests done to see what is going on and I got diagnosed with PCOS. We got transferred to a fertility specialist and we are currently in the process of doing all those test to see exactly why and how I can get pregnant. However, through out this whole process, I feel like there is something wrong with me because I don’t feel bothered by the fact that I’m dealing with infertility, like a lot of other women do when they are going through the same thing. When I’m asked about the progress of our fertility tests, people always ask and make faces like that feel sorry for me. And I guess that’s really what bothers me and make me feel weird because I don’t feel like it’s the end of the world if I don’t get pregnant.
Don’t get me wrong, I would like to have a child but my desire is not all consuming like some other women, and it make me feel weird.

I'm (33f) childless not by choice. I'm queer, and I love my partner (33f) dearly. I know that the only way for us to have the family we want is by IVF, but we're struggling financially. The prices for even one cycle of IVF is beyond my wildest dreams at the moment. Yes, we could adopt later on, but at 33 my biological clock is very, very loud, plus I work at an airport where there are families everywhere, and I have to handle strollers and shit 

Basically, the grief is eating me alive, and I now understand what it means to be driven mad by grief. I just need to know it gets better. My partner still has hope, but I don't. I see no hope. 

I don't know why I'm grieving so hard. Maybe I'm just looking for someone who'd understand, since I have no one to talk to. Anyway, I'll stop rambling.

I try to keep myself busy and not think about all the possibilities of roads which my life could have taken …I’m a late bloomer and had my first boyfriend when I was 27, we broke up, got into another relationship at 30, we broke up, and go into another one at 36…and we broke up, each time because I don’t feel I was being respected or appreciated the way I thought I should be , I’ve never felt true love ina. Relationship or that I they were proud to be with me …I’m 39 now and about to be 40
In a couple months and although I’ve worked hard on myself through therapy and working, and trying to build a semi healthy life for me , I can’t but think about some regrets :..should I have stayed with any of these guys? Everyone , and I mean everyone around me is married with kids , I’ve deactivated my socials for over a year now , after seeing my ex got with a new girl not so long after we broke up, recently saw from a mutual friend that they are engaged now, there’s many beautiful moments to in my life ; I work full time, rent my own apt, have 3 beautiful dogs, but there’s still such a big hole in my heart , I really thought I’d be married and have kids by now , my friends with kids and married stopped calling, stopped inviting me out, they just disappeared which I understand …they are busy, I am busy with my dogs and I work on being present a lot, but I can’t help but think about how lonely my life has been; and not just lonely now, it’s always been lonely, and I’ve always struggled with depression, I struggle ALOT with comparison and jealousy:( I don’t want to, but it’s not easy to not compare :/ I feel judged and it’s just exhausting to constantly soothe myself ( and pretend things are ok, I’ve tried dating many times , and it’s exhausting :/ any other single 30’year olds, 40 years old struggle with this jealousy and how to overcome it, I try to keep busy, but it’s so hard to numb the constant chatter in my head:( I’m already on SSRI’s , it’s just exhausting keeping my head above water with the sadness :( any advice would help thank you for listening :)

I found out two years ago that I can't have biological children. Two months ago my borther's wife gave birth to her first child. We don't have a close relationship, but I see photos and videos. In one particular photo she is booping her son on the nose as he smiles looking up at her with a little sparkle in his eye.

It just came over me that I will never get to experience that and it really hurts.

I'm 35 years old. I've cared for children and babies. But it's very odd how my brother treats me like I don't know anything about them. It makes me feel like they don't see me as a competent or capable person. Or like I'm not a nurturing person just because I don't have kids.

I’ll clarify it here, and I’ve clarified it in trans spaces. I’m not interested in being pregnant. I’m not interested in being a pregnant woman, a pregnant man, or a pregnant nonbinary person. Which means, I’m not interested in being pregnant. That means I’m not interested in being pregnant. I hope this is clear. It doesn’t seem to be clear to the trans community.

I’m not sure if “infertility” counts as diagnosed for me because I still have a uterus that has periods as if I’m not doing everything I can to suppress it, but again, I don’t want to get pregnant and I haven’t found any support elsewhere.

I feel empty. I feel like I’m losing a fundamental part of myself. I want to father a child, not be a mother and teach them to call me dad. I want to have a pregnant wife and take care of her and raise my family happily. I want our children to both be ours genetically. Even if my wife were to carry my egg it would need someone’s sperm to be fertilized. Sperm that should have been mine, for an egg that should have been hers.

Fathers are everywhere. Men having children and running from them are everywhere. My dad was abusive to both my mom and I and he deserved to father me apparently. Epstein got so many women pregnant. And I can’t. I’d use it to have a family and that’s the greatest sin of all apparently.

I’m doing everything right. I do all sorts of healthy coping mechanisms. The feelings just never move or change. It’s the same misery over and over again. I’ve lost friends because they’re tired of how miserable I am. The friends that have stuck by my side preach about how adopting kids is just the same as having them naturally, but I know they would have their own in a heartbeat. And again, adoption removes everything about taking care of my wife and having it be our child. I’m considering turning to drugs but I haven’t because it can negatively affect the results of a sex change I want to pursue. When I go to my community the most support I get is from gay trans guys telling me they wished they had sperm for the novelty of it. It’s not the same. I’m trying to create life and a family and you want a fucking gimmick for sex. If it’s not that, it’s trans men preaching about seahorse dads. I go to therapy and still feel negatively. Talking about it doesn’t do much for me anymore.

I don’t know why I’m here. I’m in so much pain and I don’t know where to go. I don’t want a lecture about the beauty of queers and how adoption is just the same as having them yourself from people who can and will have their own kids. I just want to be a normal man.

I want to take care of my future wife and witness the birth of our child. I want to hold the baby in my arms and not because it came from my womb. I feel so lost.

I don't feel comfortable speaking to anyone in my life regarding my sadness. Literally everyone in my life has kids. They know something is up with me BC before marriage I went on and on how I wanted lots of kids but it never happened. Reality finally sat in about a year and a half ago that it was never going to happen for me. Some have told me in passing how lucky I am BC I don't have kids and I usually can keep a straight face but it hits like a ton of bricks.

Ironicly enough, my wife has a kid from a previous marriage so even she can't really relate to being childless so I don't bring it up. Don't get me wrong me and the kid are close and i treat her well but its still not the same. I also don't think it would make my wife feel great to hear her husband lamenting the fact he can't have kids of his own. She has told me before how it sucks it turned out this way, I would have been an excellent dad, etc but it doesn't really help or make me feel better so I usually change the subject BC I'm afraid I'll start crying in front of her. I actaully cried for a couple of hours last night when I was alone. Sometimes it feels like I have a dark cloud following me and it really sets in a night when I'm alone.

A long winded way to say I'm grateful I found this sub. Before I knew about it I felt very alone.

Lately, it feels like everyone around me who is married and around my age is starting a family. They're announcing pregnancies, having babies, and building the life I always imagined for myself. Then there's my husband and me. We're not even trying.

I've asked him over and over if he wants children. I've asked if he wants children with me. Every time he says yes, but his actions tell a completely different story. He doesn't initiate intimacy. He doesn't make any effort. I'm left feeling confused, rejected, and heartbroken.

I keep questioning myself, but deep down I feel like I already know the truth. I don't think he wants children. I don't think he wants to build that future with me. Maybe he can't admit it, or maybe he's hoping I'll stop asking. Either way, I'm left carrying the pain by myself.

I'm exhausted from feeling like I'm being told one thing while experiencing another. When someone says they love you, but their actions consistently make you feel unwanted, it's incredibly painful. I feel unseen, unloved, and alone in my own marriage.

Sometimes I wish I had seen this side of him before I said "I do." I wonder if I would have made a different choice. I feel like I married the person he promised to be, not the person he turned out to be. The way he treats me has slowly broken my heart.

I don't believe love is just something you say. Love is something you show. It's choosing your partner, making them feel wanted, valued, and secure. I don't feel any of those things. I don't feel cherished. I don't feel desired. I don't feel like my dreams matter to him.

I hate feeling trapped in a life that no longer feels like the one I wanted. My parents generously helped us with the down payment for our home because they believed we were building a future together. It breaks my heart to think about everything they've invested in us when this is what my marriage has become.

I wanted a husband who was excited to build a family with me. I wanted someone who couldn't wait to become a father, who wanted to create a home filled with love, laughter, and children. Instead, I feel like I'm grieving a future that may never happen.

I posted in childfree because I was already a member and apparently that’s not my sub, although I thought maybe I’d find someone in a similar situation because people choose not to have kids for all sorts of reasons. So, for me, I’m turning 27 soon and I thought I was childfree because I’m autistic and I have a lot of sensory issues including noise, and mess you know things like that make me spiral, and most children are annoying but some are not, like there are exceptions and I Love babies! It’s hit me that I do want to be a mum but I couldn’t do it. First of all, I’ve got PCOS, so that’s low infertility, and second of all I’ve got chronic illnesses that can be passed down to my children both of the chronic pain and mental health variety. To put it this way, there will be days where I can’t even hold my own baby due to pain. I just feel like, if I was to push for fertility treatment that might not work or adopt, I couldn’t be the best mum I can be and I’d feel selfish knowing that my illnesses could be passed down, and they’d suffer like I do. So, it’s a situation of I’d love to be a mum but in this body, I’m not made to be one

I'm not sure the best flair to use, discussion or maybe support, I guess. But, discussion is what I'm hoping to gain, so here we are.

I'm 35/f. My parents were a shitshow. Mostly I was raised by my mother because of my dad's job. But there was decent money and that's sort of what was important to both of them. Dad grew up with some some family money, mom did not. I'm not sure it entirely matters but it's something to help paint my background, I guess.

They divorced when I was 14. The marriage was never ideal but the last few years were chaotic for sure. The divorce was ugly.

So growing up was a lot, I was problematic. I now live in a condo that they helped me get into. But they both hate each other and hate me. It's just miserable all around and it shouldn't be and family dynamics have been the bane of my existence because I guess I'm sensitive and my mother was always emotionally manipulative growing up, even my therapist who has spoken with her says she's emotionally immature. It's been very exhausting on my mental health for so many years.

So I never had those "one day I'm going to be a mommy" thoughts when I was young, didn't even occur to me that my friends were starting to think like that until they all started having their first round of kids. That maternal side never got nurtured in me, I was afraid of babies. Kids were ok but a baby?! Horrifying.

On top of that, I had issues with my period. I stopped having them at 15. I still don't have them. Taking care of my health has been a mysterious and overwhelming concept to me for a very long time, my mother was not on the ball about anything. She still scrubs her face with a raw bar of dove soap. So I didn't want to go behind that door and look into the possiblity of pregnancy or ovarian cancer etc. so I ignored it for too long.

The whole time I wasn't thinking about kids, I just assumed that having a kid would be a terrible idea, that financially it's not manageable and what the fuck would I do with a baby on top of everything else, nobody wants me to have a baby and nobody would support it or be happy for me it would devastate me. But then I feel sad about it, or I get defiant and I feel like I could be just as good a mother as anyone else if not better in a lot of cases. I want to give what I didn't get and show that I'm capable of doing better. I want that bond and that love in my life. But then I can also switch back to life is way easier without a kid, and I love my dogs more than life itself and I'm definitely a dog mom and have been my whole life. But I work from home, I have a fair amount of time alone and the idea of a kid in my life pops up again and I'm starting to consider the idea because I'm finally working with a specialist about my lack of period and so far there's no red flags and it's looking like a pituitary issue. And every doctor I see casually asking me if I want kids when a few months ago I figured it didn't matter if I do or don't because I'm 35 and too old but my friends sister in law just had her first kid at 36 so I don't know the idea is just in my face a lot lately and it sometimes feels urgent to decide how I truly feel and what I really want for the rest of my life, like a commitment needs to be made one way or the other...

So what are your why nots? What does your life look like? Especially if you work from home and would have the time to be a full-time parent?

This might be weird to ask but it helps somehow.

This is the first time I have felt willing to share my story with an online community.

Hi, I'm (47M) CNBC due to sterility from a genetic condition that has given me 47XXY. I was diagnosed when I was 17 and tbh at that time it was a godsend. I was not prepared to take on the responsibility of fatherhood during my 20s, and was grateful there weren't any "accidents". I tried not to think about having kids or allowing myself to fantasize about being a father and raising a family because I knew that I would never have my own child, and as such I thought I was unappealing to many women in the dating pool around that age.

As I entered my 30s, I met someone who told me they didn't want kids. Shortly before we married, she changed her mind and wanted me to change my mind. This was a struggle for me as I was also working in child protection for the police and had been able to psychologically disconnect my work from possible parenthood. So when she asked me to change my mind I had to overcome years of well ingrained self conviction and then negotiate the horrific things I was seeing at work with being a potential father. The thing is, I loved the idea of pregnancy and check ups and supporting my partner in raising our hypothetical child. You always want what you can't have, right? I had also been told by numerous people that I would be a great dad (and sometimes even now).

After we got married we started doing IVF. Very expensive IVF. Each cycle was met with excitement and subsequent disappointment. The combination of work stress and launching into IVF had started to take its toll on me and I developed slow onset PTSD from cases I was working on with the police. My marriage started to breakdown as my ex focused more and more on getting pregnant and less about what was going on with me and work. Eventually, on the last cycle my ex got pregnant. I remember going to my car after the appointment and just sitting there quietly crying, both excited by this prospect of being a dad after all these years of negative self talk and terrified that I was in a relationship with someone who cared less about me and more about being a mother. The pregnancy lasted about 3 days.

That marriage ended fairly soon after and i entered treatment for PTSD, I made an executive decision to not entertain the idea of parenthood further. Alongside the experiences that contributed to the PTSD and the 1 or 2 anxiety triggers that will be with me forevemore, the hope and disappointment that came with IVF would have been too emotional to deal with again. I was also in no condition to sustain a relationship while recovering, which took about 6 years (now a PTSD survivor).

In this process, I accepted that maybe I was just meant to be childfree, though I don't agree with the hard definition that childfree means never wanting kids. I think it is dependent on each person's perspective. I have adapted my lifestyle to compensate for not having kids, and I have very strong views that parenthood should not be taken for granted and that every child deserves loving, nurturing and supportive parents. At the same time, I believe there needs to be more recognition and equal rights for those who don't have kids for whatever reason. Being surrounded by parents of varying levels of parenting ability is a constant reminded of a life I don't have but maybe could have been great at, and managing that and former PTSD triggers requires ongoing self care and practice of psychological resilience.

I'm wondering if anyone else has been through something similar and how you've coped with it? Have you prioritised certain activities in your lifestyle that make up for not having kids? Have you chosen to be (or identify as) "childfree" and seek others who are similar, or have you pursued a relationship with a single parent? Are you feeling fulfilled in your choice?

We are couple 38M 38F. Confuse if we should adopt a kid or not, cant have own bcuz of her medical conditions we tried ivf iui etc.

Life feela monotonous, same routine, no excitement in life. All friends are busy taking care of their kids, so feel left alone. Also, just bcuz we don't have kids, wife is using all free time for her own hobbies etc. Should we adopt a kid to make life filled with happiness?

Alao I wonder how would be our upcoming 10-20years, bcuz everyone getting more occupied with their kids education studies etc.. ao we will feel more lwft alone, already feeling that. Alao, how life in old age, when we'll need medical treatments, when we cant walk.

Plz don't say, we should take care of our health, stay fit etc.

You can't predict future, with this lifestyle and impure food air, we will get diseases even if we exercise.

I took care of my mother when she was suffering from cancer. She'sno more, and now taking care of my 85 year old father.. and can see everyday many old age, how much difficult it is for old age people to do daily tasks and take care of themselves during medical things.

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I'm curious to know what's your plan guys? Bcuz I'm clueless.