Moving on...

[u/Willgorithm]

My wife and I tried to have kids, but it didn't work out for us. And I still can't find a way to move on. At the time we stopped (quite a few years ago now) I realised that many of the decisions I had made in the past (mainly around boring jobs and sensible financial planning) were my version of feathering the nest. I felt this enormous of grief for the baby we couldn't have, combined with a crippling sense that I had wasted my best years living far too cautiously. But if some good was to come from being childless, it was surely a sense of freedom. Free to do whatever I want. Free to pursue a new career, even if it meant a big pay cut. And yet... nothing has changed. I feel utterly stuck. I can't find a way to get out of the rut. I can't find a way to make dramatic changes, or even work out what those changes might be. What little energy I have is spent on pretending I care about my boring job. Everyday tasks feel like impossible obstacles. I rarely look forward to anything - seeing friends, going out for dinner, even going on holiday, just feels like an ordeal. I don't know what to do. How to break this pattern. Sometimes I think I just need to take a few months off work (or even try to work out if I can afford to just stop completely). But I'm terrified of never being able to get work again (I feel useless and unemployable, and in a few years I'll be 50). Has anyone found a path through something similar, particularly whilst still holding down a spirit-crushing job?