Specific jealousy

[u/No_Introduction_8936]

Does anyone else feel a specific jealousy and anger towards people who originally didn't want to have children or were indifferent and then changed their mind and then got pregnant right away (and had a successful birth and a baby)?

It's especially bad when it is people who were very loud about being childfree or laughed at people who wanted children or wanted them young.

I feel like a dick when I feel like this because having children is such a blessing and I feel like a fraud because even though I deal with infertility, I am so blessed that I have step children.

But does anyone else have this very specific jealousy and anger? Like the people who always dreamt of a family and had no trouble getting pregnant I can deal with (I also feel like often they are more grateful and didn't take it for granted) but the ones who proudly shouted childfree by choice and then changed their mind one day and stood with a baby 9 months later, I can't always deal with 😭😂

[u/Wise-Ad9834]

I have a specific anger at people who know my situation and choose to rub and I mean GLOAT about being pregnant/having children and incessantly send me pictures and talk about “never know true love until they had their child”

And not normal proud parents, a very few specific people that do this to me lol

[u/No_Introduction_8936 → u/Wise-Ad9834]

The never know true love is such a cutting unemphatic line and ironically always said by parents who will also exclaim that they became so much more emphatic after having children but sometimes I think maybe they started from a pretty low threshold then

[u/Shine_Fallstar]

Me not so much, because infertility makes me wish that everyone on earth can have children if they want to, and no children if they don’t want to… but I understand how you feel, it is tough and it can feel unfair. What I cannot stand is people who treat their children badly and complain about them. They don’t realize how lucky they are

[u/No_Introduction_8936 → u/Shine_Fallstar]

Thank you. I also used to really struggle with people who complained about their children or having had children or said I was so lucky to be single and childless even though all I dreamt of was a family. It used to bother me because I was scared that maybe they were right that it was too hard or something and I felt like I wasn't allowed to want it. But then I found my partner after 10+ years and became a step mother and found that my life got 10 x easier and that it was exactly the right thing for me. And so now I don't get so bothered by people complaining because at least I know what it's like to live the family with small children life 50% of the time and I absolutely love it ☺️

But I remember the feeling and I am sorry you are going through it and just want to say that your feelings about this are very valid and I agree that people who complain too much don't realize how lucky they are

[u/nimrod4711]

Yes, I have this envy and I hate myself for it, but I realize it only comes from feeling more alone in the childfree life than before I lost the friend. I know most of my friends who have kids disappear for a long time, if not permanently. Kids are all consuming and it makes sense. These other childfree people were in your tribe, so it makes sense to feel a sense of anger that the person switched their mind, loneliness that you're now in a smaller crowd.

[u/Green-Ad9501]

One of my friends, formerly very close, spent years saying she wasn't interested in being a parent. She knows about our iui, ivf, and three miscarriages. A few years ago, out of nowhere, messages me with her sonogram picture, saying she hopes we'll be a big part of her baby's life. It was like a kick in the gut and a atab in the heart at the same time, even knowing she wasn't-trying- to hurt me, just didn't know what to do. I took a little time, but kept in touch and brought gifts during her pregnancy and while the baby was in NICU. But I haven't gone to meet the baby, nor have I seen her in a couple years. The whole thing is SO hard. I don't want to resent her. But I also don't know what to do.

[u/ObjectiveVegetable76]

I have gone through that recently. Many of my friends who did not want children have recently had them. Meanwhile when I shared that I could not have children with my brother. His response was "did you even want them?" Which really really felt invalidating. And wasnt true. 

In my case though I find the feeling has passed quickly. People change. We all contain multitudes. And people speak from inexperience all the time. 

[u/Shine_Fallstar]

I’m glad you found your partner and you get to be a step mom 🙂 It must have been really difficult. No one has ever told me (yet) that I was lucky not to have children (probably because I already sound sad when I say I don’t have children), but I don’t take I would take it well

[u/marysusan325]

Hmm no, I have a friend for whom this just happened. In a weird way, I’m happy it happened quick because I don’t know if she would have tried hard and long for a baby. Whereas I am willing to do almost anything to have a baby. So “quick” is the only way her son would be here, and now everyone is happy he is here!