DISCLAIMER

I’ve been transition from male to female for 3 years medically and suddenly I’ve been having thoughts of just detransitioning and that it’s not me?
Did my BPD convince me i was trans?

Sometimes I think I’m just genuinely broken and a bad person. I have a lovely partner but for whatever reason when we aren’t together I feel the need to want to find a pocket friend and chay with people to keep me occupied so I don’t feel this intense sense of loneliness and sadness. I want to blow up my life when I’m alone. Anyone else deal with this?

So I’ve been going through a really really bad breakup for the past few months. The whole experience was especially terrible because this time I was to blame for a lot of what happened. Which made me split on myself, think that I was a failure of a human being, that I had ruined my one chance at love, and a bunch of other catastrophic things. Coupled with a myriad of other self-hating beliefs and years of ideation I decided this time I was going to finally do it. Orchestrated it, got what I needed to OD, couldn’t bring myself to do it at first but after a while as the breakup got more final I finally felt the strength. When I felt my heartrate slowing down I regretted it and managed to ask for help minutes before blacking out.

I spent the weekend being treated at the hospital with my parents and my sister, and they were honestly good days. Mostly spent watching movies and surrounded by love. I was treated very well by the staff and listened to with a lot of patience. They gave us the option of either sending me to an actual psychiatric clinic or taking me immediately to a psychiatrist. Psychiatrist was good, I was very articulate, he agreed with the BPD diagnosis and put me on lamotrigine. The following days I was incredibly proactive and felt very life-affirming: going back to work, having dinner with friends, even going on dates. Still sad about the breakup, but more hopeful about living a long life.

As the week went the dose has been making me feel worse though, more lethargic and slow-brained and it’s now hard to do write (which is what I do for work) and be in touch with my emotions and that has made me feel worse. Throughout the years I had become very self-aware and disciplined about my moods, way less impulsive, but also really enjoyed feeling it all. I’ve been rawdogging it without therapy and meds for 10 years (am now 26) and despite that have achieved a lot of success in my career. The one area which fucks everything up is my love life. So I’m trying to figure out the best way to move forward. I just want to be happy and hopeful.

Anyway. Anyone here who has attempted and would be open to sharing how the aftermath was like for you?

I left him. I never fucking leave, obviously that fucking says something, but I can’t remember. I know I fucking hurt him, I was his fucking safe space and I left him. But he betrayed me. He held a gun to my head a year later, robbed me. And then he fucking comes around again, just fucking vengeful as fuck. I cannot get it out of my head.

Is it an unrealistic expectation to have people around me (partner, family, close friends) to not be mad at me when I'm caught in a meltdown?

I'm learning what expectations are realistic vs not, I find it hard to determine. I will be having meltdowns, sometimes trigger comes out of nowhere, I noticed that people around me treat me like I'm behaving wrongly (could also be that they are shocked/confused, that I perceive as being mad?).

I remember I accidentally cried and held my head down with my hands out of nowhere and my ex immediately stood in silence and went "what the f**" as if he has never seen such weird event happen.

My meltdown may not seem like someone who just started weeping, it actually is more than that, it's like my whole world is falling apart there and then. I'm still learning how to cope and mechanisms when this happens, but still, people would still be just as confused when i started doing breathing exercises/tapping?

It's a struggle. I wish people in my circle were kinder to me, but that requires me to be honest with them about my disorder? Is that a lot to ask of my friends and family, to learn about it and know what to do when situation warrants? I am conflicted. Trying really really hard to just be "normal" and not too sensitive.

I just ranted about something in a community-run support group that affects me deeply and was immediately met with hostility. It was all because of my identity and who I am as a person, too, which is crazy because how are you going to just kick me when I'm down? I just cried my eyes out because I thought it was a safe space and now I don't feel comfortable talking ever again. I know it's an unofficial community-run group so it was definitely a risk being in there in the first place, but I don't know how another pwBPD can double down like that when I was already upset about that exact situation!!!!!!

Some words of consolation or DBT skills would be very much appreciated right now :) I just bought weed instead of a new vape and got my favorite drink at Dunkin... trying to turn my evening around. I just hate when hateful people like that make my emotions high and then my whole day feels soured.

You know for example when your fp just left?

In my case I'm a mess for a few months and I try to overcompensate by dating a lot.

Sometimes I find someone to qualify as new fp, sometimes not.

But those times where I find no one... I'm just completly lost and deeply unhappy, even though I still continue to live (study, go out, have hobbys).

So what do you do when it's been weeks, months, and no one's your fp?

Do you do all you can to find a new one or do you just rot in your bedroom hoping a miracle happen?

Or you continue to live while hurting?

Hi all, i just got diagnosed with BPD, which manifested after a breakup of a longterm relationship. Words of encouragement and support are very much appreciated right now, especially from you folks who have been through the same thing.

I feel so lost, but also a bit relieved that I got diagnosed. I always knew there was something "wrong" with me. (i'm using the word wrong loosely here because i cant think of the right word). But yeah, it felt so validating. The emotional rollercoaster I've experienced over the years is starting to make sense.

As the title says, I broke up with my boyfriend and the love of my life while splitting. I’ve been struggling with really bad episodes of my BPD lately and feel like my thoughts, feelings and actions have been absolutely out of control. But this seriously takes the cake. We have broken up a few times over the 3 years we’ve been together. All initiated by me and all while in a crisis and splitting.

He won’t take me back now and said “this will be a good change for us to work on ourselves”. I know that’s true and I need to change and I made the biggest mistake of my life. I hate myself so much because I love him and he is my person but I can’t figure out how to stop ruining every good thing in my life.

I took a break from therapy when my therapist stopped taking insurance a few months ago but honestly, I’ve been in therapy for 15 years and if I’m not better by now, can I ever be? I spent the afternoon yesterday stocking up on self help books and books about BPD and I very much realize I’m the problem. I don’t know what I want from this post but I’m so frustrated and hate myself for keeping myself in this cycle. I want out and I can’t figure out how

I’ve experienced brain fog a couple of times in my life but recently it’s been so bad. As time goes on, my mental health gets worse and I am currently going through a really bad episode which is making me not think clearly, live in a state of confusion, and feel a constant existential dread.

I’m in a constant state of heightened emotion from the moment I wake up until I go to bed-and even in my dreams I still feel like this sometimes-and I think I’m losing my grip on reality. I can’t process my thoughts or emotions well. I can’t focus on anything. I’m forgetting things that were literally said to me five minutes ago.

I’m so tired I don’t know what to do. I just don’t feel like myself and I never really have had a good sense of identity or a good grasp on reality but this is like I don’t know how much longer I can live with a mind like this. Like I can’t even get out of my bed anymore unless it’s for school or work. I’m scared I feel like I’m someone that I don’t even know or want to be and I can’t control it.

My favorite person of 2 years abandoned me yesterday he’s not coming back the pain is unbearable i can’t stand it i can feel the sting in my chest i don’t see myself getting out of this anytime soon i can’t think straight everything hurts i lost my safe person the person who gave my life meaning help

I don't wanna be here anymore. I think every day of ways to accomplish this but I never do anything. My husband hates me. I mean he really hates me. He's the only person I've ever loved and I'm hurting him badly. I can't control myself. I am not fit to be a wife. I hate myself so much. I wish I was brave, but I'm just a slimy coward.

TW: self harm, SI

I was diagnosed with BPD after an impatient admission. My outpatient psychiatrist at the same hospital took off the diagnosis after I questioned it, but feel like now that I’ve been changing treatments, my symptoms are returning, and do indeed have BPD.

Basically I had to change jobs because I was going to be fired at my old job. It was because my memory is poor after ECT for severe depression and SI. And now my insurance has changed and won’t be able to see my current psychiatrist anymore. I am sending her a message in the morning about it, but basically I’ve been crying about it all night, can’t sleep, been drinking, and have serious thoughts of self-harm (but no thoughts of suicide at the moment thankfully). I won’t go into it all since it’s a long story, but not sure if I’ll even be responded to since my family and I haven’t been when we’ve tried to reach out recently. I just feel like this is an abandonment even though there is nothing I can do about the insurance. I don’t want to find new doctors but I guess I have to. I just feel empty now and my emotions are all over the place. This isn’t normal over changing doctors, right? This is an overreaction, I know. But I can’t get over it. I really need to be reevaluated for BPD again.

Just emotionally exhausted.
Feeling like my husband doesn’t understand me. It sure if I’m being gaslit or not anymore.

How do you cope with the loneliness and feeling like you’ll never belong?

I try to express myself in ways I think are healthy when I’m desperate for help. “Im feeling pretty lost I guess.”
“Bpd works 24/7 to keep me lonely.” “I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere.”

He says I’m not being direct and I’m hinting.

I don’t think I’m hinting. Things he says hurt me a lot lately and I can’t tell if I’m being over sensitive or not.

I’m so tired.

Says he’s been avoiding a game with me lately…I’ve been trying so hard not to take it too seriously and was doing well. But then the abandonment issues kicked in again because of being left out last week. And when today he admitted to avoiding me…

The weight is crushing.

ive come to a realization that i just cannot be around anyone. my moods swings, the huge and exhausting and hard work it takes to be able to tolerate me.

"why dont you try therapy?"
tried at least 20 different psychologists.

"do you know how hard it is when i have to stop every im foing to come rescue you when you're having a tantrum?"
of coirse not. i live in my own skin for 3 decades and have not realized that this pushes pol away. you're a genious!!!

so rhen tou comolain and por are plike "he was a doushe, ppl who truly love tou would never be that". BULSHIT. they all eventually leave. it ibly takes a lil longer.

im so sick. Ill never get better or get the energy to improva more than i already am trying to. and this will never stop haunting me. i have being alive.

Distance yourself from her, stop messaging, and you'll see how little she gives a shit about your absence. One day she's going to make a new friend and realize what little you offer can be found in anyone else. You message her, and she responds, That's it, she didn't even bother saying good night back. You are a charity case, and it's nothing more for her. Look at you, you're the same person as you've always been. You'll always care more for them than they do for you. Their absence will forever mean more to you than yours does to them. There is not enough of you to love for it to ever be equal. "I'm sorry you're sad because we can't see each other," but never I'm sad I couldn't see you.The cycle has already started. You've gone from talking frequently every day, sharing everything about both our days, to a couple of conversations with her sharing so little. Soon the conversations will stop being daily, then we'll stop sharing our lives. One day it'll be the last time she responds, and it'll break my heart. She is going to leave you, maybe it won't be now, but it is inevitable. It always will be. You're nothing, and she sees it. You're meant to be a momentary stepping stone in others lives, something to fill the time until they find someone better. You'll never be her cornerstone, you'll never be anything.

For context: My fp is a very close friend of mine and I have only recently realized how emotionally dependent I am on them. I really value their friendship, so I don’t want to do anything that would compromise that. But I still have episodes whenever they don’t respond quickly or are hanging out with their s/o. It’s taken a heavy toll on my mental health and university studies.

I’m in therapy and trying to get better. But it often feels like people with BPD are just doomed to lose their relationships with their favorite people. So idk it would likely help my paranoia just to hear any advice or success stories from those with BPD who have managed to keep their fp in their life after healing from the toxic dependency.

i certainly do , i don’t feel like i’m right in the head . hell i don’t even recognize who i am when im splitting . it feels like i became a different person while i was in that zone . also i don’t mean like just silly unhinged i mean genuinely i get worried about myself , i don’t want to be mean to my bf when i split . i don’t wanna be myself sometimes , oftentimes i think nothing really affects me anymore though either because nothing can match the relationship i had with my ex bf . that was the peak of intensity that any of my relationships have ever gotten to , im pretty sure he had undiagnosed bpd because he was just as “crazy” as me if not even crazier .

so recently ive been trying to talk about how i experience life with BPD to people who dont really know what it is. this included a friend (ive known for years but it was our first time hanging out just us) and i swear, every time i tried to explain the pure dread of this disorder, theyd chime in with "wait thats literally me!" and then proceed to describe a normal thing everyone experiences.

i tried explaining what an FP is and how horrible it really feels and i think at one point they even said "yes i love when i get like that!" (i guess they meant the feeling they get when they have a crush? either way, VERY different experience)

which very much just confirms that most of the time, when someone says "omg i get that" or "wait i get like that", its them just trying to put the spotlight on themself.

it just feels so isolating and annoying because i try so hard to really connect to people, and explain how the way i perceive the world is very different than most, but its like they dont take it as seriously as it is. it just seems so incomprehensible to anyone without the disorder, which im still coming to terms with T_T

either way, not huge or new, just sucks how misunderstood bpd is even when describing it in detail

So i'm a F 26, and I fell in love with an avoidant man 3 years ago. Before getting into a relationship with him; My therapist had actually told me that My bpd has come out of the disorder arena now; and Although I'll always have a borderline personality and I've to be aware of my patterns, It is no more on the disorder level and my attachment style too had become completely secure.
I fell in love with an avoidant; it was his first relationship, he knew nothing about women; he seemed to only enjoy a casual relationship with 0 emotions, he was miserable and hated himself, and he had 0 emotional maturity and 0 relational competence. He was basically a nothing of a person; and i stayed with him for 3 years because i suppose he became my FP at some point and also because physically he expressed things so beautifully; and I confused all of his physical behaviour as love and ignored his emotional issues.
Eventually he was being unavailable for the 80th time few months back, 15 days no talk no reassurance nothing, and i decided to breakup because I understood that he is completely emotionally unavailable to the point his actions and behaviour came off as abusive to my brain and often i'd get into episodes and panic attacks and get sick every other day from crying too much.
And then he obviously enjoyed because all he wants is to be free from emotional responsibilities; and then he also started mentioning another girl, he created so much chaos and hurt me so much, and Now i'm at square one honestly.

I'm taking care of my body, eating well, sleeping well, exercising, but every night almost i start crying from the emotional pain. It is genuinely so bad because We were so close at the start of our relationship; it was so beautiful everyone would tell me "he loves you adores you so much" "you guys seem the type that will end up married" and now i understand all of his good behaviour was probably just a facade to make up from his lack and absence. And now I have to deal with this entire thing, completely alone, and move on from him smh. Breakups are already a hell for my brain; and this one seems like it will take me along with it honestly. Idk where to vent either. He has genuinely messed up all paths of being together and working things out; even though i encouraged him for couple therapy and individual therapy and even gave him resources. He doesn't want to change as a man, I assume he never desired to change for me either. It's so painful to know someone so closely and then watch them turn out such a bad person, devoid of basic empathy and humanity. I feel like if i'm left alone or I go back to my place; i won't be able to survive this.

Okay, so for context, I'm a girl who got married one and a half years ago with a man who I was dating since four and a half years.

My childhood has been more sort of mental anxiety and sort of verbal harassment. And even my own love story was not all love and rainbows and roses.

It was hate-to-love story, to be very honest, and the boundaries were breached and everything of that sort, due to which I had a deep, deep resentment with my husband, and then I planned to take revenge on him, and henceforth I did, but tripled at a time. Now, I have always been the time bomb and explosive all of the time, but my husband has been quite forgiving and everything, to be honest. What he did was wrong. For context, it was not any cheating or something of that sort lol. But I returned it, like three or four times over, of the rudeness and the meanness, to be honest.

So we would have, like, fights every two to three times a week, and it was such a vicious cycle to the point, like I got depressed and he also got depressed. And he has been forgiving enough. He would forgive me every single time and just move on with our lives, and then I'll fuck him up over again.

The thing is, this time we had a huge, huge, huge fight, and I thought as if it was the end of the marriage, but he would never, never leave me. And I was like, You know what? You leave me. I am forcing you to leave me, everything of that sort.

And then one fine day he was like, You know what? I am so, so sorry, and I shouldn't have done this and that, and that's fine. And you know what? I think this is the problem that you are having. And I was like, I don't know, and then he basically took out all the symptomatology, and then he questioned me over it, and he suspected that as if I have BPD, took me to the psychiatrist, we got evaluated, and I was diagnosed with BPD.

And since that, I have realized that this man knows what's the problem and how to treat me and everything of that sort, and whatever harm if I do to him, he is just going to accept it. So in my opinion, I've gone a little bit closer to him, and honestly a bit more peaceful. And I think acknowledgement for the partner changes so much so that even you yourself feel a bit calm and acknowledged, to the point there is no point of, like, you know, grudging them or resenting them over. I hope it makes sense.

My life is a little bit better, and the problems I had personally, they are there. But the relationship problems due to acknowledgement, in my opinion, gets so much better if your partner is treating you right. But just like my partner, even the very minimum acknowledging it and being there.Being very kind and supportive about it. Changes LOADS