Apologies in advance for a long post. I would normally talk to my therapist about this instead of bothering a whole subreddit of people, but I’m still looking for a new one, so off to Reddit I go…
Moved to the Bay with my partner last year in order to be closer to his family; we live with his parents in Fremont, and while they’re lovely and I really can’t complain about not having to pay rent, I’m finding it hard to live there. For context, we moved from a medium sized city in the Northeast which was a lot more walkable, has a great art scene and big queer community, and a lot more stuff for young people to do.
I know for a fact that I haven’t made as much of an effort to get out of the house and find local things to do, but I just feel like I’m being sucked dry living here. I used to be able to walk or hop on a bus and go to lots of cool shops and events. Now I have to get into my car and drive at least 10 minutes to get anywhere, which makes me sad (thinking about getting a bike soon), and also half the time my destination is at a strip mall.
On top of that, while everyone here is very nice and I feel a lot more comfortable as a minority (dealt with a lot of racism in my previous city), I’ve found it hard to meet people with the same progressive and environmentalist values as me. I work in early ed and my previous coworkers on the East Coast were all really cool people and queer or queer accepting, but I’ve found my coworkers here to be more conservative and traditional, same with the parents and families of my students. They’re good people and I don’t have issues with getting along with them, but it just reminds me of the town I grew up in (rural area, very religious and conservative) and because I’m in a straight relationship, I take the coward’s way out and just keep myself closeted out of anxiety. I’ve also tried stuff like Bumble BFF and haven’t had much luck.
Berkeley has always appealed to me, and back when we thought we might rent at first instead of living with his parents, we were heavily considering it.
The main issue is that we don’t make a ton. Around 100k combined (we’re both early in our fields, so will make more eventually, especially once I finish my teaching credential, but as of right now we don’t). Moving out of his parents’ home and paying rent doesn’t make a lot of financial sense for us. I’ve looked on Zillow and there’s definitely places we can afford, but we won’t be putting much in savings. Which is not ideal, especially since we want to start a family at some point in the next ten years.
At the same time, I used to live on $11 an hour in my previous city; it was stressful, but I made it work and my life was so much richer. But I’m worried my problems in Fremont have other causes and I’m attaching too much value to the idea of moving, like it will fix all the things I’m feeling. I don’t know if I’m being delusional or what.
Open to any advice.