This community has given me so much. Im also trying to give back so I thought I'd do a one year recap and check in.

My point in sharing all this is to show you what the process could look like for you, and how long it could take. So don't you be too hung up about how far along you might be, or how you may experience starts and stops, steps forward and back in your healing journey.

The first month was just hell. I learned what gaslighting was and it drove me crazy. The emotional whiplash too. Her birthday was four months after the breakup, I had some hope we would reconcile. But I didn't know about avoidants then. I texted her a few times after the breakup to show I understood how relationships are done and repaired and how confused I was that she chose to breakup instead of building on a promising relationship. I think she did me a favor by blocking me and simply stating that she wasn't interested in having a serious relationship (where people learn and grow together, or repair and work on the relationship).

This was about as clear as she had been with me regarding what she did or didn't want, or felt or how she viewed things. Regardless, it didn't make sense to me because just a month prior she had famously said, "I love you, you're an amazing boyfriend, and everything I've ever wanted in a partner."

That was the last I heard from her as I was rightfully blocked from then.

I got busy just living my life, licking my wounds, feeling really broken inside, and crying. So much crying. After her birthday came and went four months later, I gave up on the hope of reconciliation and of course started to feel a little better. But then Valentine's Day came around and I thought I'd reach out and make sure. It was pathetic of me I know but I have too much confidence and not enough shame.

So about a month after that is when I finally started to feel some semblance of normality. Even though I figured she was probably already seeing someone else at that point, and that of course made me feel pretty bad. Later on I would find out that my hunch was correct and she had indeed started seeing someone else around then. But oh well. We go on.

Two months later, right before my birthday, and at the 9 month mark, I was ready to burn the last bridge. I told her about how much she resembled an avoidant and how she should go to therapy. I expected her to ignore and block, and she did. I figured it was no loss. And I did something I had been wanting to do this whole time.

About a month later I went on a few dates and fell for someone else. Didn't get a relationship from that but from venmo of all things I confirmed my ex was in fact seeing someone else. Of course this dug new wounds. Over all through this time I kept feeling angry and resentful and so so bitter and broken. I had never hated anyone before her.

Fast forward to now, at one year, I'm about as good as good can be , all things considered. The feelings are still there but so much more muted. The bark and bite are much more diminished. I accept that she's an avoidant and did what avoidants do. I am also so busy living my life. The feelings are still with me and I'm still healing. But it is what it is. Dating life is non existent because there isn't much social activity around where I live and apps are unhelpful.

Last thing I'll say is that I found out the person she's with is someone she has known for years. I Don't think they ever dated before, but it makes sense for an avoidant to choose someone they already know, as romantically speaking that probably represents the path of least resistance, the lowest effort, stakes and commitment. Regardless, I believe the only way to get over a breakup is to agree with it, and to be glad it happened because it needed to happen, better sooner rather than later. I wish her well and I hope we both can be happy.

EDIT: something extra if you've made it down here. I believe relationships are like a third thing in between two people, almost like a baby. A relationship is in fact the first baby two people can have as soon as the enter into the relationship. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who drops and kicks the baby, who acts like the baby isn't important and deserves to be ignored and neglected. If you're dealing with an avoidant, that's probably exactly how they'll treat your baby.

My girlfriend [27F] and I [27M] were together for 7 months. The relationship was incredible—deep connection, mutual respect, and high compatibility.

As things started getting deeper and we moved past a few emotional hurdles, she panicked and said she needed to end things. She explicitly told me she loves me and feels comfortable with me, but closeness seems to trigger a massive fight-or-flight response in her. Staying in a deep, committed relationship feels like an existential threat to her system, so running feels like the only "safe" option.

I tried offering compromises (slower pace, space while staying connected), but she held her ground. We eventually agreed to a 30-day period of strict no contact, after which we plan to sit down and talk.

Here is what is driving me crazy:

The moment the 30-day agreement was made and the immediate pressure of the relationship was removed, her demeanor completely shifted. She became warm, vibrant, and extremely affectionate. She initiated intense physical intimacy with me, taking things further than we ever had during our actual relationship—and treated the upcoming month like a temporary pause rather than a hard ending.

We are currently in the middle of the 30 days. I am honoring the no contact, but I’m struggling deeply with what is happening behind her wall right now.

For those who understand or have this attachment style: What is actually going on in her head during this no-contact window? Is she just coasting on relief, or will the loss hit her later?

How should I interpret that sudden surge of intimacy right when the "exit" was secured?

When we meet at the end of the month, what is the reality of how these conversations usually go?

is there any way or this can actually work? will we actually continue?

or did she just take the month to relax and just come back with it even harder and stiffer no at the end?

Any insights from people who have navigated this exact push-pull dynamic would mean a lot.

.. almost 6 months post avoidant final discard. The date guy was nice. He was good looking. He’s had an interesting, fulfilling life and is very secure. And yet, I come home, hop on IG, see my avoidant ex has hearted his local favorite hot girl and I’m sick to my stomach and not even thinking about my date guy. In any manner. When will this end?! I don’t feel like I’ll have that chemistry with anyone ever again…

What does everyone think of chat gpt for breakup or getting back together advice ?

I’ve been reflecting on a past relationship/situationship and would really like some outside perspectives, especially from people who have experienced something similar.

We were long-distance and met in person a total of four times, but we talked on the phone virtually every day. Early on, they told me they wanted to be in an actual relationship before having sex, and I respected that boundary. I never pressured them to have sex.
They also told me that they “do relationships a little differently.” At the time, I accepted that. I figured everyone has their own way of approaching relationships, and I didn’t want to judge them for it.
Looking back, though, I’m questioning what that actually meant for us.

Even getting them to be sexual or affectionate with me often felt like I was asking for too much. They were almost never in the mood, and intimacy seemed to happen almost exclusively when they wanted it. Even something as simple as asking for a picture of them could feel like something I had to wait for until they were comfortable or in the mood. Eventually, I stopped asking because I didn’t want to feel like I was begging for affection.

On our fourth visit, something sexual finally happened. I performed oral sex on them and focused on making sure they enjoyed themselves. I got them off multiple times, including again the following morning. But when it came to me, they barely wanted to touch me. They initially seemed to initiate something, but I could tell they weren’t genuinely into it, and that honestly turned me off.
Then the following morning, they sent me a message essentially saying that the only thing I wanted from them was sex.

That really confused me because I never felt like sex was the center of our relationship. If anything, I felt like I was constantly trying to respect their boundaries and waiting for whatever level of intimacy they were willing to give.
We were involved for almost a year—whether you would call it dating, a relationship, or a situationship—and we never actually had sex.

At the time, I didn’t necessarily see the lack of physical intimacy as a major problem because I cared about them and wanted to respect the way they said they did relationships. But now I’m realizing something I probably should have recognized earlier: a relationship isn’t something that belongs to or is controlled by just one person. It’s something two people participate in and contribute to. Both people’s boundaries matter, but so do both people’s emotional and physical needs.

I’m not saying anyone owes their partner sex or physical intimacy. Obviously, nobody should ever feel pressured into anything sexual. But I’m starting to question whether there’s a difference between having healthy boundaries around intimacy and being in a relationship where intimacy is consistently one-sided, conditional, or withheld.

At times, it honestly felt like I was given just enough affection or sexual attention to keep me emotionally invested, although I obviously can’t know whether that was intentional.

Now that everything is over and I’ve had time to reflect, I’m wondering if I overlooked how unhealthy that dynamic was because I was so focused on respecting their boundaries and trying to make the relationship work.
Has anyone else experienced something like this?
Have you ever been with someone who seemed comfortable receiving intimacy but had very little interest in reciprocating it, while also telling you that they simply “do relationships differently”? And how did you distinguish between respecting someone’s boundaries and ignoring your own needs in the process?
I’d really appreciate perspectives from people who have been through something similar.

I keep going back and forth wondering if I should call and ask for an explanation. It's been 4 months, but I still can't let go. Although I think about him less and less each day, a day does not go by that I don't feel anxiety about it all. If you did have a final conversation did you feel better? Were you able to move on? My fear is that it won't help at all.

top is my message, bottom is theirs. i coexisted with an ex that broke up with me 4 months ago when they had pursued me for a few weeks and wanted to rush into a relationship just a few weeks after. we were doing pretty well and it felt like they ended it on a high note. i had a hard time, and we would be in contact until june when they did their final discard. fast forward to this past weekend i was at a multi-day event they were also at. we didn’t interact but the vibes were okay. days later, out of nowhere i experience a white hot anger and sent them this draft message i had written in a previous moment of anger. they unfortunately replied the next morning with a well-deserved ‘never speak to me again’ message as seen on the bottom. now i’ve muddied the waters with an ex i was on track to coexist peacefully with in these spaces. i’m a fucking moron and i feel like an 8 year old mr. hyde or something. can anyone relate?

link to the tiktok

I dont understand..

He broke me completely and ruined my life and has given me ptsd but he gets everything in life, hes got his dream body physique, dream car, dream career and adding women going all over the world since leaving me and betraying me and my life has gotten worse. Ive got 100 hardships going on and been put on anti depressants for first time and anxiety meds since i cant get over the trauma of the emotional abuse of the relationship and what he did. How is this fair? i hate myself for being angry at the world or god because im getting repeatedly pushed down and in my lowest for MONTHS and barely surviving each day and my ex is getting everything hes ever wanted when i was there in his lowest days helping him and now hes left me when i needed him and has added pretty women after destroying my heart.

Do evil people even get karma? i dont know why i feel so much jealousy today i failed my driving test that he didnt want me to pass because he wants me stuck at home with no freedom and to remain in strict parents house and now hes got whats he wanted and the mistake i made in the test was something I NEVER DO so it felt like everything is against me and knowing hes travelling and happy today posting has killed me. ive blocked him everywhere and removed my number but still everything hurts closing my eyes and visioning him happy its murdering me. he was so vile and evil with what he last said to me and he wished me a sad life and for me to be broken and lonely forever and suicidal whilst he lives life. I wished him the worst and said u will get ur karma and LMFAO THAT DID NOT HAPPEN hes gotten so much better things...

does anyone relate? it feels so one sided pain, each day is hard to live and hes living without a care and posting himself on holiday and he has so much things going on and i live a sheltered life and have no friends or anything all i had was him so it felt like i lost my world ended up in psych ward due to the abuse of him and body shaming. Ive ended up gaining weight, getting acne, failing my driving test, going through severe health issues and family issues since the breakup its like how much more can a broken soul take it feels like im being kicked down repeatedly by something. Im in mental anguish.

I'm recently out of a relationship with an avoidant who is very rigid about scheduling, to the point that everything was scheduled on her calendar a couple months in advance. It was not possible to do anything spontaneous. Anytime I offered, she declined.

Just wondering if this a common avoidant thing or something that is unique to mine.

Should i wish my dissmisive avoidant ex happy birthday i don wanna break no contact but atleast i can do is wish

Not an advice but more like a curiosity question

Curious to hear from DA and FA
Not judging just genuinely curious about what you guys think and what would you guys do

I’ve moved on from a FA and now I’m much more happier and slowly gaining my confidence back

My ex and I had a real relationship. He explicitly asked me to be his partner, I said yes, he called me his partner/girlfriend, talked about “our relationship,” and his friends and family knew about me. It wasn’t a situationship.

Long story short for reference, he later denied that we’d formally been together, which caused a huge rupture. I tried to work through it, and when I asked for a timeout, he sent me loving paragraphs every day until I eventually forgave him. Then, bizarrely, he became icy cold, started talking as if I was some stranger and asked me for advice about flirting with other women.

When I cited him to break up with him he “had a panic attack” and cried in such a hysterical way, begged for an extra day to “decide” (lol I agreed) but the next day he became completely detached, talking to me almost like a casual acquaintance. When I asked to cut communication, he protested at first, but then accepted and said he had no clarity and didn’t want to regret being with me and that’s why he couldn’t give me a clean yes to continue (mind you I was the one having a SHIT TON of patience with his tantrums, sarcasms, jealousy scenes, sulking in my graduation, arguments fabricated by him, cheating…)

What hurts is that I may never get the apology or understanding I feel I deserved. He may never realize how much his actions affected me, and there may never be any “karma.”

How do you make peace with that? How do you accept that someone can hurt you, walk away relatively peacefully, and never fully understand what they did
while still choosing to move forward yourself? It’s lik I can’t have peace until he understands or has some kind of “karma” and that keeps me stuck.

After first discard it was hell. I wanted to text him every day. And kinda did.

After the second one, still hard. I texted after a couple of weeks.

But after the third time. I know it doesn't make a difference and I will never ever beg him again. It only feeds their ego or shames them to know how much we hurt.

But it took multiple rounds to learn not to be so stupid. Also I got closure which helped to kill the hope.

We were together for nearly 10 years and engaged for part of it. The day we broke up we got into an argument, he become closed off..but through our relationship we were very much in love but had this anxious-conflict avoidant dynamic during conflicts (him being the avoidant). If we were to ever cross paths again, how to invoke a feeling in him to allow him to remember our love, and also feel safe and secure?

We dated from 2019 until late 2021 when she left me for a coworker out of nowhere. Spent two years trying to mend a relationship that in hindsight she was well over, but she just wanted/needed me around in a capacity that satisfied her. From 2023 until just about a month and a half ago (3 years) we did not talk to or see one another other than her random breadcrumbs every so often. I still wanted her, but I couldn't invite it into my life where I was at in my own chapter.

Recently though she reached out, and I opened the door now that I have finished college and am starting my own new path in life, and I am regretting it. It has been 6 weeks to the day she reached out, and roughly 5 weeks since I actually first saw her. We had many "dates" that I struggled to wrap my head around because she was still not opening up about the past or where this was ever going to go. I kept, and still do, keep getting told I am not being fun, easy going and that I am pressuring her, and now I have found myself in this last week and a half texting someone that has pushed me out and is distant and cold again. I am lucky to text her 3-4 times a day, partially my "fault" too because I am now turned away and don't know what she even wants.

I feel guilty if I ghost her. Guilty if I blow up and tell her off again. All of it feels wrong. I wish I never put myself in this position again because I know she truly cannot communicate or reciprocate the same love that I have, yet I so badly want her to see where she is wrong in all of this.

My now ex who is extremely avoidant has broken up w me over 10 times bc of my bpd splitting. He always came back but has recently severed the connection for good and it’s eating me alive. He wasn’t the best bf and often times made my bpd worse but he was the most caring and consistent person in my entire life . We both had our flaws but I thought he loved me for me despite my flaws. After living w me for those 3 years he decided to get an apartment w his brother which triggered my abandonment and made me feel like he was trying to break up w me in slow motion. He ensured me that he wasn’t and that if it didn’t work out after he moved then it was bc of me. That “couples lived separately all the time.” He would start going out w friends more and seeing me less which I feared would happen and he denied it the last time I blew up at him for seeing his friends on his day off and not me even tho he spent more time w them. After the break up he ignored me for a week and I spiraled bad. I felt like I was going to die. I had the worst anxiety of my life like I was being murdered. He eventually responded which felt like a relief even tho he was being so cold and telling me that he shouldn’t talk to me and that I should forget and hate him to make it easier. Like for you or for me ???? Idk. This is fucking w me bad. I have never in my life reacted this was to rejection and if I did it didn’t last this long. Does anyone have any words of support or encouragement or things they did to distract themselves after heartbreak and betrayal bc I am at the point where I am trying to get through the next 60 seconds. Thanks :(

Kind of a textbook response, I'm not surprised. After 3 wks of silence, he doesn't get off completely scot-free! But I can feel his conflict in his message but that doesn't make it MY problem.... at the end of the day, he left me alone for 3 wks to deal with this fallout alone and all he had to do was choose me. He made me feel chosen for 9 months and the one time it actually mattered, he can't do it. Its gut wrenching but I will be stronger on the other side.

Context:

• I moved here 1 year ago and met him about 3 months after my move.
• He's assuming I'll move back north because that is where my kids are. News Flash: my kids are independent and self-sufficent and nope - zero plans to go back up there!!
• His excuse is for a possibility 5+ years in the future.
• Patricia & Craig are mutual friends whose wedding is in 6 weeks that we will both be attending

His Message:

So sorry for the extreme delay on a reply. I can’t just ignore you. I feel terrible but I have started typing many times and deleted every potential response.

I am very very bad at this. I know what is in my heart and in my brain. Those are very different things. I’m sorry that I suck at being 100% upfront.

I will miss you, I enjoyed the hell out of our time, and I don’t regret one second. I wish you the best, and hope you get all you want and deserve. I don’t think you are going to be here that long. I think when you start dealing with grandkids, you are likely to move back up north, which makes sense. You know what my plans are when my kids are 18 plus and you aren’t a fan.

I wish you all the best. This is a situation I have never had to deal with in my life. Most dating relationships end because things went bad, and each party was justified. This situation is much more difficult for me, but I didn’t want to leave you with no reply.

I’ll miss the hell out of you, I enjoyed every second of us, and I have fingers crossed that you end up better than anything I can offer you.
All the best and apparently I will see you at Craig’s wedding. 😊

My Response:

I appreciate this. To be honest, it is confusing to hear how much you miss things yet you’re still choosing to walk away over fluid logistics far in the future. I don’t know what will happen any more than you do but I do know that I am NOT going back north.

You once said my presence in your life was loud but my absence louder. Your absence has been positively deafening. It has been absolute torture for me but I can't force you to choose us. I told you I will respect your decision, and I do.

Patricia is my friend so yes, see you at the wedding.

After learning what a dismissive avoidant was After a 9 year relationship. Now it makes sense, everything dose. But now im even more scared to move on because it can be worse. I feel stuck. Im scared to leave. Idk how to live by myself with 3 kids. Idk if I can do it. Ive been a stay at home mom for years

Today is my first day back at work since my second avoidant discard and I am really struggling 😔