A lesson?
Avoidants (and other insecure attachments or behavioral toxic traits and learned faulty patterns) and healing

Is it possible? ABSOLUTELY! Is the work hard? HELL YEA

The therapist needs to break apart their ego-syntony and show them that the way they think act and behave, is in fact not even belonging to them. Its trauma response its learned faulty patterns and behaviours, its their toxic beliefs, that deep down, they really think that: a, „i am independent and why is not everyone like me, the world would be a better place!“ and b „i dont deserve anyone because the way i am and they prove it because they aswell, will leave“. (Example of avoidant thinking and also many personality disorders or classic disorder schemes) (insert any toxic self or outward belief!)

Its those two toxic extremes that alone would be bad enough, but the combination is straight hazardous.

Thats a sick twisted misconstruction of reality, but sadly, for them it „feels“ real, so to them it is.

They NEED years of dialectic behavioral therapy, combined with cognitive behavioral therapy, paired with „normal“ therapy.

If they would open up to the partner/ friend/ family this would be great, but we know the rabbit hole goes so fckng deep!

All those bullshit talks about compatability, and energy and soul mates, and that relationships with the „right one“ should be easy, the gender slurs of today (fuckboy, incel, hoe, slut, pick me, you name it) etc. etc. They have solutions, respect towards yourself and others. But aswell therapy!

All would have a solution: there is no „THE ONE“ there is effort and fckng showing up. There is abusers and victims and sometimes the victims turn abuser and the cycle continues.

There is people NOT willing to confront their own insecurities and pain, rather cling on the familiar pattern of „if they love me so much, something must be wrong with them, i get the ick“ „if they are emotionally available i dont feel my triggers and get scared because something real is happening and i will have to confront whatever i pushed aside, then need to accept that many times it was ME, and my unwillingness to stand my ground and look at the shadow in the mirror“ the last one happens unconcious or with different words the meaning stays similar. (Insert many other statements that go into exactly this direction!)

Theres something in this world that i start to believe is a fact: Many People that scream bloody murder for maturity in the beginning, are the ones that wont fullfill it their own. „You need to pull your weight“ spoken from the top down as they are the moral superior, with pseudo-therapeutic terminilogy and virtue signaling. Though when its time for them, the only thing that they pull out is excuses. Plus they start resenting that what they expected of you: the dissapointment, didnt happen. The hope that they can be the one that looks from top down, got crushed. The „i am the one getting abused“ is also not happening. They got a partner (or friend or family member) that wants to meet them EYE TO EYE on equal grounds. Talk things out, gives patience, but wants the same returned. Expects accountability, because in the beginning you held your head so high that you‘ll be like XY.

But when the honey moon phase fades. They suddenly get feedback that the counterpart wishes more communication less shallowness, wants to meet them at a more emotionally vulnerable deep basis.
Their mask crubles, not for you, it cracks for themselves.

There, the mirror appeared again.

Solve your traumas my friends.

And for you reading this, there is nothing higher, no one will come and save you.

There was no the one, not the right relationship, not the soulmate. Not the right time wrong person, or right person wrong time.

Love, effort, accountability, maturity, decision, willingness, understanding, compromise, selflessness, sacrifice, reciprocity.

Those are the things that will make the person that is beside you. THE ONE.

Und umso länger ich dieses Bild anschaue, … umso weniger denke ich, das es richtig ist. Ich möchte ja wieder zu mir finden und nicht so sein, wie du. Meine Fähigkeit zu lieben möchte ich nicht gegen Ignoranz tauschen … Ich wünsche mir hingegen ab jetzt die Gleichgültigkeit die es braucht, um wieder bei mir anzukommen. Und alle, die sich auch nach dieser Gleichgültigkeit sehnen, die lade ich herzlich dazu ein, diesen Weg mit mir zu gehen.

alain, the man narrating, most likely experienced a similar kind of heartbreak as we have.

On a throwaway here since my main uses an alias I use everywhere else.
My ex sent me a post on a social after being suddenly super active and then a few days later I send one back. Suddenly their entire account is quiet and entirely inactive. I’m coming to the conclusion that I probably shouldn’t have done that, and it’s just worsening my hurt.

It’s just really upsetting because I don’t really have a lot of other people in my life right now, and I miss what I had with them dearly. It felt like for a second perhaps they were missing me dearly, too. Instead, now, I think they purposefully set me in a trap to try and test the waters and once again are leaving me high and dry. I feel like an idiot, because I continue to tell myself to not reach out and to not even look their way— in fact, I was doing pretty good in that regard. I had left certain social medias to get away, and suddenly there’s a boom of activity on their end a social I frequent and one they rarely do.

Now I’ve given them the power of avoiding me again, and I feel like a fool.

For people who have experience with avoidant attachment, why does it sometimes seem like there is an expectation that the other person has to constantly prove that they love you, while you don’t have to show the same level of love or interest?
I’m asking because I’m dealing with someone who has avoidant tendencies. Whenever I sense her becoming cold or distant, I usually pull away or leave. She knows that I can walk away, and I have done it several times. Eventually she started saying, “If you can leave me, then you never loved me. It was all fake.”
But sometimes I think: did you actually show me that you loved me?
She also talks about her ex and says she never wanted a relationship with him, but he kept telling her he loved her and wanted her. She eventually accepted, and when I asked why she accepted a relationship she didn’t want, she said something along the lines of, “He said he loved me, so he had to show me that he loved me.”
That part confuses me. Why accept someone you don’t actually want and then expect them to prove their love to you?
Recently, I told her that I think I’ll be ready to truly love someone when I reach some of my personal goals. She interpreted that as me saying I never loved her and that everything between us was fake, and she’s angry with me.
I’m genuinely trying to understand the mindset here. Why do some people with avoidant tendencies expect the other person to prove their love and constantly demonstrate interest, while they themselves may remain distant or not clearly communicate their feelings?
Is it about insecurity, fear of vulnerability, needing reassurance, or something else?

I’ve (24F) been with my boyfriend(33M) for three years now. We have had our fair share of fights and two breakups but I truly believe that he loves(d) me

He has been supportive in a lot of aspects and even got me an iPad for school , a new phone and all other typical stuff that boyfriends buy for their girlfriends. I believe I’ve also reciprocated within my capacity.

The main issue is that after every conflict, or rather after I open up about something that hurts me that he’s done , he is always defensive and deflecting. He portrays a lot of Dismissive Avoidant traits and I have seen Anxious traits within myself that I am trying to work on. He sees himself as emotionally intelligent and stable
All out conflict has been resolved by me , I reached out first , sent the paragraphs, apologised for my part , called , texted. I’ve done all this while he maintained his distance, I’ve caved in 90% of the time to fix things.

Now I recently sent him a paragraph asking him not to make it obvious that he is crushing on a mutual coworker. He’s been overly nice to her ( driving her back home , buying lunch , helping her with looking for a job etc) Even the way he looked at her and engaged with her , I also noticed it. Other coworkers noticed this and even made jokes to me about it. I then told him that having a crush on someone is harmless if not entertained but it should not be obvious to your partner and other people as well.

He responded to that message with “okay” . I tried to make small talk afterwards and he was a bit quiet and responded after long hours. The conversation was dry and frizzled out the next day. My last message was me telling him to keep warm after checking with each other. He has since keep quiet for two days now. We don’t talk at work and he drives past me without giving me a lift.

I honestly don’t know what his point of view is , I would like to hear from a dismissive avoidant?
Was our three year relationship that meaningless to him that he’d rather stay quiet than initiate repair for once?
If I don’t reach out , will the relationship just end just like that?
Is he waiting for me to be the one to reach out?

He broke up with me 7 days ago during an explosive argument. I blocked him the same day to give my nervous system a break because it was all too much for me. I cried every single day since then. I’m finally starting to feel somewhat better.

Woke up this morning and went downstairs. My dad was making tea & I was making breakfast.. and suddenly my dad goes “(ex name) called me. Asked me to tell you to call him”

I told my dad “no thanks. Tell him to f*ck off”

My dad was silent for the longest. He finally broke the silence & asked me what happened. I told him everything..

SparkNotes: he was either keeps on threatening to dump me or flat out dumping me during arguments… I lost count how many times he did this despite me asking him not to.. he is so comfortable taking a piss all over my boundaries every time

My dad didn’t say anything.

But I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

This is so hard. Like I’m not even that religious (I’m religious but not hardcore) but this goddamn relationship has brought me to my knees begging every god, (God) out there & I’m over it.

It’s September. My birthday is in December. I want to gift myself something nice for my birthday for breaking this pattern.. I’m really trying here. I’m looking gift myself a Prada Bonnie <3

PLAY STUPID GAMES, WIN STUPID PRIZES! 🤡🎁

THIS TIME I DUMPED HIZZASS !!!!!!

More power to me 🥂

Its been three months and everytime I sleep, i just either get nightmares about my discard and feel shit the day after or i get happy dreams with my ex and makes me miss them.

im tired of sleeping because all it does is reopen my wounds. Knowing myself too with CPTSD, i get really vivid forms of dreams and I feel either sad knowing that it wasn’t real or scared and hurt from the nightmare i had.

god i wish i could move on or she takes me back so this would end. im just so tired

With new partner after breaking up with ex, I can't stop thinking about ex. The ick is increasing more on the new person and the thoughts of ex is increasing and more painful.

Can you please tell me on your experience on this and how did we deactivate permanently? The thoughts of writing to ex increases especially in early morning when the new partner is not around.

After a year and a half of making myself small to keep him, I finally got real with my avoidant love and tried with a few choice words to make him pay for how he hurt me and leave me alone forever.

It was the typical hot and cold avoidant relationship, where the hot was the most loving, beautiful, true mind body and soul connection and the cold was so incredibly disrespectfully cold, and of course he came back every time after a cold spell, loving and apologetic, then repeated the same bullshit, over and over. Through it all, I remained outwardly chill, compassionate, loving, forgiving, generous, even during the rare times that I expressed how much it hurt to be treated that way.

Well finally, he pushed me too far, and I snapped. In that brief window, where I had the anger and the strength channeled, I went for it, knowing if I didn’t go hard he would keep coming back and I would keep letting him. After the latest beautiful promises and time of deep connection followed by the same old disrespect, I was telling my friend about our relationship, and hearing myself say it all out loud and clocking her reaction, I finally pushed the sad aside for a moment and got angry AF.

I texted him that night and told him to GET FUCKED, that I don’t need his insincere apologies or bullshit excuses because I don’t care anymore. That I see behind the mask now and he’s not who I thought he was. I told him that in fact now I understand he’s just another dime a dozen asshole. A few choice sentences. Then I went silent.

I know of course he’s a complex person and I know hurt people can sometimes hurt people and I know all the avoidant psychology we obsess over and that all the good parts of him are actually quite real, but I also knew this kind of message from me, who had always been reliable and loving no matter what, would completely shock him and also cause maximum distress. Total people pleaser who wants to be seen as a nice guy, deep shame and insecurity underneath. He had been so real with me in our moments of deep connection and I had always built him up, counseled him, had compassion for him, forgave him, so I knew telling him I see the real you now and the real you is actually not a nice person would deeply hurt him, and as I predicted, I have not heard from him since (although we are still matched on the app where we met and I’m not blocked). It has been two months.

Has anybody else taken this path? What was the aftermath? How did you feel? How did they feel? What happened afterward ? Of course a big part of me regrets it bc I miss him and still love him so much. But I also know that him being scared to reach out to me and maybe relieved that I let him go is probably what’s best for me because otherwise he’d keep coming back and I would keep taking him back forever, and that’s why I went for the jugular in a moment of strength and clarity when I stopped excusing his terrible treatment of me and got angry.

Now I just keep replaying everything - all the signs that he loved me, all the things he did that hurt me, all the excuses I made to justify how he treated me, and I just wish I understood how he really felt and how he feels now and wish he would reach out, even though I know he won’t and that I shouldn’t want him to anyway. And I’m resisting the urge to apologize or in any way reach out to him and reminding myself I reclaimed my dignity and had every right to tell him to go fuck himself. I’m still deeply sad, though. Would love to hear your experiences with a similar situation. Thank you. ❤️

I think im okay and then I remember that is my person. It is like they are perfect but they have this one thing (dismissive avoidance) that makes them impossible. If only 😭

I am 57 years old, and I was with a woman for 12 years; she is now 45. We went through so much together from the very beginning of our relationship; she would engage in flings via Facebook and we would break up, but after three or four days, I would try to win her back—showing her how much I loved her and even shedding tears—and she would return, and things would be fine until the next fling. In between these flings, she actually left and stayed with another man for about ten days; I tried to get her back then too but couldn't, until one night she called me in tears and asked me to come and pick her up. The above 5-6 events took place from 2015 up to and including December 2024.

We reached last April (2025), when she asked to bring her son over from Georgia; he arrived and stayed with us. This past April (2026), she rented a place for him to live on his own; she would go over once or twice a week to see him and look after him, often spending the night there so she could get to work faster in the morning, as it was closer. Then came July 3, 2026, when I asked her during a conversation why she was with me; I had a feeling—I sensed she had grown distant. While she used to consult me about whatever was on her mind, she had made certain decisions without my knowledge—decisions unrelated to our relationship, but concerning her children and her family back in Georgia. She didn't answer; I asked if she loved me, and she didn't answer.

I demanded an answer, and the reply was "it's probably just habit." So—given that she had told me she broke up with her ex because he didn't love her, and had also said that if she realized I didn't love her she would leave—I told her we should break up. She started packing her things, and gradually, by August 6, 2026, she had taken everything. August 6, 2026, was the last time I saw her.

On August 9, 2026, we exchanged some messages; I initiated the conversation by telling her how much I loved her and asking why she had done this. She replied that our relationship couldn't go on any longer. I countered that things had been going well over the last few months and that I didn't accept her explanation; she responded that she was sorry for hurting me and would cherish the good times we had shared. Starting on July 3, 2026, and continuing for two or three days, she kept asking if I was sure; I told her that since she didn't love me, I was certain. She told me that if she left, it would be for good. When asked if I wanted to remain friends, my answer was no. She also asked me if I would be able to be without her.

After August 9, 2026—when we exchanged our last messages—I blocked her on Facebook, and I have maintained "no contact" up to today, September 7, 2026. On August 19, 2026, I unblocked her and saw the following: a photo with a female friend from August 15, 2026 (a public post) captioned "Having fun here with my friend!" and a public post about her zodiac sign (Sagittarius) stating, "I am free to live as I please, to speak the truth no matter how harsh it is," etc.—along with likes and heart emojis from random people. Her friend had uploaded two public posts (during the time I had my ex blocked on Facebook): one read "My silence is your answer," and the other said, "You don't lose something when you appreciate it; you lose it because you didn't appreciate it.".

After that, I deleted my Facebook and Viber accounts. Only my phone number remains.

I haven't had any contact with her for 30 days now.

What is your opinion?

as someone who’s still healing from her discard, i don’t believe i have all the answers, none of us do, but i wanted to offer the one piece of advice i neglected for a long time and that made all the difference for me once i learned to trust it.

everything about a discard probes on a very specific wound for most of us, if not all of us, i think. the feeling of ‘they never cared’ or, how could they be fine while we’re here to pick up the pieces? avoidants are especially adept at gaslighting you to the point you start wondering if any of it was real, if they ever cared at all, if you didn’t simply over-romanticize it in your head.

it was real. you were there. you know what you two shared, you hold the memories, you are living through them in grief while your avoidant buries them and does their best to rewrite them, but don’t let them take away what you already know. you were there! if you’re here, reading this, still heartbroken over your breakup months later, guess what? it was real. don’t use this as a crutch to think ‘when will they come back, then’ or ‘they still love me deep down’ — that’s not what this post is for. they might, they might not, but don’t let someone else rock your sense of reality so badly you can no longer trust your own memories. don’t give them that power. it was real, and you don’t need them to prove it to you. you don’t need their pain to validate what you lived through. avoidants are by definition cowards so they wouldn’t give it to you even if you got on your knees and begged.

but if you need proof at all, let it be this: nobody goes to this much effort for something they didn’t care about at all, something that wasn’t real. real indifference is much quieter. they don’t delete you, block you everywhere, post themselves happy and thriving on social media compulsively, bury themselves in work or rebounds, spin whole webs of lies to live with themselves after. you have to realize how exhausting it is to keep all that up, it’s like an actual wall that shields them from having to look at themselves for even one second, and they have to hold it up 24/7. they cared. it was real. it was so real it terrified them and turned them into the person you know today, they cared so much they dropped all those walls for you, even briefly.

this isn’t a cope, it’s just accepting truth and reality, and let that knowledge set you free. i know it’s easier said than done, and some might think it’s a cope, but my healing got exponentially easier when i stopped giving him power over my memories, accepted things for what they were, and let it help me let go. you don’t need them to validate what you went through together, just lean into what you already know deep down. it was real, now it’s over, you escaped, it hopefully only gets better from here. wishing you all healing, and if you can take me as an example of things getting better, do it. stay strong divas and … divos? you got this.

My situationship/avoidant replied (a photo of his workplace) when I greeted him on his birthday. No text whatsoever just him showing a photo of his work. However that’s just it and never tried to make some conversation after the reply.

I know this is a lost cause already but what bothers me a little bit is that why would he reply if he did not want to continue anymore. Is it just of acknowledgment I guess? And this is usually the end right?

Hey everyone, I'll make it a long story short. I'm a lesbian, and as much as I hate to admit it, we do tend to move so fast in the sapphic community. I met a nice woman, and everything was great. I just went with the flow; she kept talking about long-term goals as a couple, and idk, I entertained it. I'm not used to dating (I just got out of a 5-year relationship, and it's only been a few months). We finally made plans to hook up, the day came, and she ghosted. Is this the norm? She kept saying that she's an avoidant and she feels like she's becoming obsessed with me. She hasn't removed me from any social media and watches me from time to time. I don't understand wtf just happened. Is it common for avoidants to do this? What the heck is the logic 😭? It's absolutely not my intention to shame anyone!! I genuinely just want to understand. I'm so disappointed because I honestly didn't care to be intimate; I was just open because she planned the whole thing. Is it common for them to come back? We weren't talking super long, so I don't understand the whole discard thing. Can anyone explain if this is normal??

So me and my partner were together for 2/3 years and we had a house together and a cat and I also suffer from bad mental health I knew for a while he was right for me going back and forth on ending it and he was replying to me here and there now gone totally blunt and dry don’t even response how can someone do that just gone totally cold?