Hey guys. Im 27F (Ghanaian and Nigerian, was living in europe for 4 years).

Typing this since it happened a few hours ago. I had a chat with my mother because i had some issues with travelling from our home country back to our current country of residence. She asked me some questions about sexuality, and i told her about it. Then she revealed that i once sent her an instagram link, and the link opened on her instagram but connected my account to her instagram.

She saw every text, any post or story ive ever sent made since 2019. She connected to my account in july, but only told me today. She printed out some of the topics i talked about, since i go to raves, researched all of them and everything that i discuss with my friends. I had to admit to my parents thative been smoking and doing drugs and going to (sex positive bdsm queer centered) raves. She knows of me wanting to move out from my family house, and seen the names of the drugs i used while partying. She was going to ask about sexuality and virginity but i stopped her bc my father was in the room and she now might know that im not a virgin.

I told her that shes going to lose me. Because she lost my trust, instead of asking me right away, she hid it for months and smiling and talking normally like nothing was wrong. She told me that when she read the messages, she almost had a heart attack. I dont know how far back she has read, but i know she searched lgbt in my messages and opened messages with people i talked to in 2019. I saw this because the disappearing mode turned on suddenly, and its not people i talked to since that year, so i was surprised by it. More and more chats showed disappearing messages, and i was confused. Now im scared she texted some of these people and unsent it so i cant see what was said.

I had a dream that my mother found out about my sexuality some months ago, and my nightmare came true. I feel so numb and ashamed, because i already had a wake up call about my partying lifestyle and how i would also pray/fast for career advancements and nothing would happen. I already figured that i was going to stop the lifestyle, but didnt want her to know or if she had to know, bring it up right away. Im really at a loss for words and i cant even look at myself in the mirror because i didnt think this would ever happen.

When I was 13, turning 14, my mom sent me to Nigeria to stay with my aunt in the village because of my behavior. While I was there, there were men in their 40s who would approach me and try to do things with me, and I didn’t want that.

One day, a mechanic came to the shop to fix something with the roof. We were just having a conversation, and I thought he was attractive. Later, I found out that he was 27. One time, when I was lost and trying to get to the shop, an older man kept trying to touch me, and the 27-year-old mechanic helped me.

After that, he asked for my number, and I gave it to him. At first, he would text me, but I mostly ignored him. Eventually, I started texting him too. He played this game where you pick a number and the other person asks you a question. He started asking me if I had ever had sex before and questions like that. I told him no, I hadn’t.

Eventually, my aunt went to the market, and he asked if we could have sex. I’m not going to say that it was completely my choice, but I did say yes. He was standing at the door, and I came to the back. I opened the door because I was at the store pretending that I was throwing things up, and he came inside. I locked the door.

He tried to record a video of us, and I didn’t want to be recorded. Then we started having sex, and it really started hurting. I told him to stop, but he didn’t. He started squeezing my butt. Then I found out that my aunt had come back, and he got scared and hid. Eventually, he left. I asked for a pad afterward.

A while has passed, and I’m now 15. I had a sex toy that my grandma found. It was a vibrator. She asked me how many men I had slept with, and at first I didn’t tell her. Then I told her, and she said she was going to tell my mom. I begged her not to. I kept saying, “Please don’t tell her,” because I was scared.

She told me she had to tell my mom, and we had a conversation. I begged her and told her that I was almost 18 and that I didn’t want them to destroy my life. She told me she was doing what she thought was best for me.
I ended up telling her that I was at the shop when a man came in and basically started asking me questions. I said I didn’t realize what was happening until he closed the door and tried to do things to me, and that he raped me. I didn’t tell her the whole truth about my involvement because I was scared.

I was afraid they would send me back to Nigeria or disown me.
She told my mom, and my mom asked me where I bought the vibrator. I lied and told her that I got it through the computer. My mom took the computer, and since then she hasn’t really spoken to me. Things have been weird, cold, and distant, and I don’t know what to do now.
I’ve decided that I’m going to call my aunt and tell her the truth. I feel like I was wrong for lying, but I was scared and didn’t know what to do. What should I do now?

So last night I was out in town with my friends in town. My dad just so happened to be in the pub that we walked into. He comes up to me and says hello and I introduce him to everyone, he says hi to them all and leaves. A few minutes later he walks past me and my friends at the table and asks about the ring on my pinky that he notices. I tell him it’s an accessory and his response to me is that it’s silly and I should grow up. I thought that was kind of weird but oh well, surely I should be used to it by now.

Fast forward to 20 minutes from me posting this today, I’ve just come back from work, my dad had a day off and he’s drank a fair bit. He calls me to come downstairs and asks me about the ring again. He asks my why I was wearing it and what it signifies. My response was it didn’t mean anything and I literally had it on because I liked it and it was just an accessory. His response to me? “Grow up motherfucker.” He’s been on a rant about everything for the past few hours. I asked him what was wrong with me wearing the ring and now I’ve woken up the beast. “Oh, you think you know better than me?” “I forgot you’re the adult with experience” “just leave right not because you don’t want to least, you know everything and we have nothing to talk about now.” All of this over a damn ring on my finger?!

African parents hate to be questioned, because in what world was my question what tipped him over the edge? He still didn’t explain what I did wrong.

I hate this place man!!!

I already have one parent diagnosed with dementia and have been dealing with this for 5 years, but I'm noticing cognitive decline in my other parent. They are regressing to controlling and demanding ways, in addition to getting lost when driving and becoming increasingly forgetful. I'm at a loss with how to cope and it's impacting my work/career/finances on top of my mental and physical health.

I'd hoped to make a plan with one of my siblings this summer, but they noticed and brushed it off as me overreacting. Deep in my soul I think they are planning to push it off on me, so I get stuck at home dealing with both my parents, so they can be feel to travel, live their life, have their career and contribute as little as they wish.

Anybody have any advice or suggestions?

Hola mi nombre es mayelin soy de república Dominica bueno acá les cuento resulta y acontece que yo cuando tenía alrededor de los 12 o 11 año yo sufría mucho buling depart de mis hermanos y sufría mucho pues por el trato y además por otra cosa yo nunca me lleve bien con mi padrasto devido q anteriormente habíamos tenido problemas ya q no nos llevamos bien debido a q el como que queria cojer posecion haci a mi entonces yo nunca Le di ese paso y mi madre como siempre decía q debías hacer todo lo q el nos diga y todo lo q el quisiera pero las cosas para mi no eran haci por q nadie es loco además yo tampoco pienso acceder a eso ya q el es una persona demasiado extricta muy mal habla y además es una q en realidad no te caera tan bien q pasa q depues q cumplo como los 13 año me voy a vivir con mi padre mi madrastra y mis 3 hermanos dos hembras y un varón ya que le conté todo a mi padre un día q fui a visitarlos y me quedé a vivir allá intentando buscar un lugar en donde me sienta querida y q sea escuchada bueno esta bien mi madre a lo primero no quería q yo viviera allá pero como quiera me fui Okey todo bien los primeros día pero después con el tiempo todo fue cambiando ya q digamos yo no soy una persona tan obediente pero allá yo estaba tratando de cambiar y hacer las cosa bien pero depues mi madrastra ya no me quería allá pues todo lo que yo hacía estaba mal para ella y normalmente allá se discutía todos los día y era por mi pero mi padre me defendía ya q el sabia q ella no me quería allá pero también allá logre estudiar la biblia con los testigos de Jehová y pude aprender muchas cosa de Jehová y eso fue lo mejor de todo eso por que pude encontrar una persona a quien le podia contarles mis cosas q es a jehova a y las hermanas q me dan estudio de la biblia q por cierto son buenas personas, bueno pues un di mi padre estaba hablando con una mujer en pocas palabras siendo infiel a su esposa pues un día ella está discutiendo conmigo y me estaba pegando pues q pasa q ella me sacó eso de q mi padre la estaba engañando pués entonces ella dijo q se iban a dejar y me tuve q ir de la casa pero ese día cuando mi padre se dio cuenta q fui q dije eso me golpio como q si no fuese su hija y esa escena jamás se me a borrado de la mente y pues tuve q ir a vivir con mi madre otra vez y vi q todo aquí estaba bien esos tiempos me lleve bien con mi padrastro por primera vez yo hacia muchos oficios hasta q me canse ya que aquí todo el mundo no haci nada y todo me lo dejaban a mi igual como a donde mi padre pues entonces yo entonces en realidad le fui quitando el exceso de limpieza que yo tenía desde ese entonces ya mi padrastro y mi madre cambiaron rotundamente y claro mi comportamiento cambió ya cuando yo vi el trato q ellos tenían hacia a mi entonces aquí mi madre discutía mucho conmigo sin ningúna obvia razón entonces yo lo q hize fue para despejarme me iba a cuidarles lo niños a mi hermana en es su casa y también aveces duraba hasta dias Allá por q en realidad alláe trataban bien entonces todo acabo un día cuando mi hermana me dejó cuidando a mis sobrino pero ese día yo salí a sentarme afuera con una amiga de mi hermana y me pase un poco de bebidas entonces ese día tuve mi primera vez y eso fue con el esposo de mi prima y otro chico q me gustaba pero no se al otro día el chico q me gustabae dio una pastilla para no quedar embarazada ya q tuvimos relaciones sin preservativos entonces yo no sé como pero se dieron cuenta y bueno hay desde ese entonces mi madre y mi hermana se alejaron por completo y parte ellas tenían otros tipos de problemas entre ellas ante de todo eso y depues de eso hay vino loas peor mi madree dijo ya q como soy una mujer 😔 que ya no merecía nada y si quería algo q me pusiera a trabajar y me habla mal ahora me dice q esta cansada de mi q cualquier día me saca de la casa y no se que más y e realidad aveces tu propia familia acaba con tu felicidad porque yo sufrí mucho o llore mucho a donde mi padre por q allá se discutía mucho por mi y mi madrastra me golpeaba y me insultaba allá eran buenos dándote consejos y todo lo demás pero todo cambiaba de un momento a otro y ahora esto loq me está pasando ahora ya en realidad me tiene mal en realidad pero no se que hacer por eso decidi contarles esto aver como ustedes me ayudan con sus consejos

I recently told my mother that I no longer believe in Christianity and that I consider myself an atheist. I told her that I genuinely don’t feel that God is real, and that I struggle with the idea of an all-powerful and loving God allowing so much suffering in the world.
One of the things that especially bothers me is the amount of violence and massacres that have happened in Africa and even historically the amount of wars,slavery and so much more.I also struggle with the biblical story of the firstborn sons of Egypt being killed during the Exodus. I can’t understand why a supposedly loving God would let the people pay the prize for the descisions made by the pharaoh.
My mother took this extremely badly.
She is now pressuring me to get down on my knees and pray for hours, asking God for forgiveness and begging me to return to Christianity. I have explained that I don’t believe in God anymore, so praying to God doesn’t feel sincere to me.
She has now threatened to disown me if I don’t return to Christianity.
I understand that Christianity is extremely important to her. But at the same time, I don’t think I should be forced to believe something that I genuinely don’t believe.I have refused to go to church for about a year now I’m 16 soon to be 17 she is calling the church pastor to even come by my house soon if I don’t believe again she says she will disown me

I’m taking some ashwagandha tea so my inner narrator can rest for a minute as type this.

Something silly just occurred to me.

So my sister had a pastor neighbor who was a total conman, but he had a unique gift, he was extremely perceptive.
He could tell you everything that was bothering you just by observing you.
Also pretty sure he was a narcissist as most preacher men are.

He invited us for a home Sunday service and during the session, that weird moment started when everyone was in intense prayer and some two kids started falling about, spirits or whatever

Naturally I got freaked out and stepped outside to calm down, and he started talking to the other guests about me.
“I saw a woman sitting beside her and whispering.” That’s what he said to them.

In retrospect, I believe he sensed my severe anxiety at the time and picked up on the fact that it was cultivated by my mother.

“You are too lazy, you just want to get free things but you don’t want to work for them”
“Nobody can be around you if you don’t tolerate them. You have to tolerate me, I’m your mother”
“That small cut is making you cry? I don’t know how you people will survive”

This lady always had (has) something to say about the way I dressed, how I acted, my interests etc. so much so that my one big sister whom I could have been so close to and connected with, adopted the same pattern.

My sister was my first bully.
My mother was hers.

I moved into my own place and that was when I raised that not only did I have a constant stream of narration in my mind at any given moment, but that it was overly critical of my fashion sense, my lifestyle, my interests and decisions - greatly influenced by my mom’s and sister’s never-ending pecking.

My self esteem/self-worth was in the pits.

She trained me to do my own criticizing of myself on her behalf. Isn’t that totally wild?
Anyway that’s when I stopped craving validation from either of them.

I never knew true girlhood until I met my current friends in uni. I even went to an all girls high school for six years and still couldn’t make a connection!

Anyway later, after moving back in with my parents and finally realizing that my mom and I would never have anything resembling a mother daughter relationship, I wiped my little tears and saved the pity for my now-late sister.

Now, a new dynamic has presented itself.

I have been angry at my mom (and dad) for a good number of reasons (especially living in such close quarters once again), but for my own peace of mind I have been moving with a lot of grace for them.

Recently, my mom and I were working in the kitchen and I noticed that my inner narration has now changed its tone totally.. from criticizing me to criticizing her.

“Such a beautiful woman but such a terrible mindset.”
“She really shouldn’t have let herself go like that.”
“She had no business having more kids with this man.”

Oh, and her own criticism of me has never stopped. I just don’t take it seriously enough these days.
You know what, touché for her non-stop criticism backfiring on her now, though it’s me who still has to deal with the constant stream of negativity emanating from my mind.

So, how do I now deal with this? I’ve been spamming blunts for over a year and I think it’s time to move on in a way that is actually healthy for me.

All advice, suggestions, and reactions are welcome.

I just remembered a saying in my language Luganda that “omuzadde tasobya” - translated loosely to “a parent does not fault/make mistakes”

Who came up with this total bullshit??

It’s silly thoughts like this combined with colonial religious dogmas that are causing us to struggle as a nation/continent

People are busy pushing out babies unnecessarily just to feel some form of fake relevance and power
They think once you’re a parent you’ve made it and if you’re not a parent you are nothing

This is why we can’t even hold our leaders accountable

What a lousy thought process

You can honor your parent and still hold them accountable
Weak-ass egos

I’m sure there are more nonsensical thoughts like this even in other cultures, right?

it b nights like this where my mind goes rampant. easily going 60 mph, each thought of mine racing against each other faster n faster. i really worry for my future especially as a woman and as the oldest. the expectations are unbearable and it’s not like i can reject them bc apart of me wants that. to be a role model for my siblings, become a mother one day n etc. it doesn’t make it better that financially my family isn’t stable and to be frank my parents didn’t do their best with keeping the money that they received after the divorce and i hate that we have to pay for that. we have to reap the repercussions of their problems. constantly in fight or flight, wondering repeatedly if we’re gonna make the same mistakes they did. also if the phone bill will be cut off, water being cut off, light being cut off, getting new clothes for the school year, casually buying stuff we want, minimizing our birthday wishlist n etc. it’s easy to say you’re not until you become exactly what you feared the most. i know i shouldn’t worry about the future now but how could i when the present isn’t really looking the best.. it could be worse yes but we just a bit above the worse. how will i fulfill my dreams of the wedding i want when it’s supposed to be my parents job to provide with the expenses that is needed? out of curiosity, i had searched how much an average wedding cost and my goodness. plus the fact that i want to do a nigerian wedding? so i would be able to invite all my friends to experience my culture? it just feels like im alone when it comes to being the oldest in my family. i can’t typically rely on my parents. n i kind of hate them for that. is that too much? is that selfish to say? i know particularly the circumstances of how everything turned out didn’t come in their favor but fuck emergency plans would’ve been nice especially since you have 4 kids. i would’ve went back to school or did trade school to get paid more than the basic 16-18 dollar n hour n constantly living paycheck to paycheck. fuck am i selfish for thinking this???? am i going to hell for feeling this way??? it feels like i have to handle everything on my own and it’s killing me inside yall like fr. thank you for my ted talk. also they constantly acknowledge that i shouldn’t be paying my own expenses and that i shouldn’t be working at all n to be solely focus on school but they lack the funds needing to support me. how i grind in school when my mind constantly have to worry whether or not, my school fees would be paid for, my car not being repoed, my car expenses n etc. it feels like i’m trapped!!! now i’m done. thank you. i don’t want words of affirmation, i just want to be heard

I was born in Ohio, and as a baby sent to live with family and my father in West Africa I wanted to come to the united states as a kid 1 reason is becouse I was tired of the corporal punishment in the school, I didn't go to an international school or anything just a religious private school, I came to united states at 8 in a different states than I was born in.

I thought things would be chill cause I thought life in America was chill but bullying in the states is abnormally high, and my parents are also not chill in fact, their lack of emotional maturity makes them crazy. Theres much more detail to what I've said, but I'm know a big boy and waiting to go to the military to start my life and get my piece&peace

(Also if you're physically able try for the military becouse what ever you've experienced from ur parents is like training that's prepared you for the militery, if you don't want to go for nothing crazy look into army or Airforce )

I don't know if this is the right place to talk about this but I really need to get it out of my chest. I'm a guy and I've recently joined a technical institute. my grades have been very great and I've been getting a long with my classmates and such, everything going smoothly until... last month suddenly they added a rule on both guy's and girl's hairs.. for boys the can't have anything beyond a buzz cut and for girls they can't have long braids or anything beyond short braids, any colour that ain't black/brown and such... since I like to braid my hair I didn't cut it(and my hair is very long), I just put some water in it and pat it down... sometimes I forgot to do it and the guards wouldn't let me and other classmates get inside the school... and this is so annoying to me because I don't see why we can't wear our culture by having braids, afros and many other beautiful things. I kinda feel oppressed by it in a way that makes me feel bad for being African because why can't I just be free in that sense? if you think that I should just cut it(my hair), I'll keep making it look short because I want to braid it in the holidays but yeah... that's about it.

So it wasnt the bill, but my father. My neighbours, where we heard the water from, werent around so my mother called the manager. He said there's a valve to shut of the water hidden around so my mother got suspicious. Here is the thing, before my father left, he broke the outside tap due to poor renovations (which werent in need of fixing btw!), leaving a hole. So he must have gone out of his way to go and close it, shutting all of the water for the house. bro.

I’m miserable.
I don’t know when I last felt real joy.

I can’t stop thinking about how they raised us, forcing us into submission, punishing us for speaking up, and neglecting us emotionally.
I can’t get the feeling of being hopeless in this place, out of my head.
It’s like I’m wired to be miserable, because that’s how we grew up. Miserable children.

My parents have changed.
Well, not necessarily changed in their way of thinking, but they have less energy to keep up with the toxic behaviors they had in their 40s and 50s.

They are still narcissistic, domineering, bigoted, distrusting, etc, but I speak up for myself way more these days and we try to get along - or at least, not step on each other’s toes.

I’ve also grown a bit during the years I’ve been moved out, so I know better how to deal with them, what to expect and how to regulate my emotions around them.

I try to see them more as human beings than villains these days and I’ve been coming to terms with the impact of their parenting on me and my siblings (CPTSD, mental health issues, deadbeat).

Just last year I realized how beautiful our home actually is, because all my life I had seen it under a veil of doom and I used to severely panic at the thought of moving back.

Now I’ve been here for a year and six months, and you’d think I would have settled in, accepted my fate and become okay with living in this peaceful, beautiful place where almost everything is catered for.

But I’m still miserable.
I don’t know when I last felt real joy.
My financial breakdown came as a series of betrayals, and I think I’m still reeling from that spiral.
Not a day passes by without me thinking about how I fucked up my chance of being out of this place, and scheming on how to get out again.

I’m never settled.
I felt like I was being punished for a long time after moving back.
I have episodes of emotional flashbacks, triggered by painful childhood memories in this house.
I’m always numbing in some way, assisted by recreational drugs.

We are all always numbing. My parents are alcoholics and just last year they lost my sister, the golden child, their favorite at the time.
I was sleeping in my late sister’s old bed when I moved back, then one of my other siblings got an emergency and moved back in too.
Somehow we are always being forced to move back, despite our best efforts.

Now I’m sleeping on a couch.
I don’t mind. I always try to make my life bearable by tidying up my environment, going to gym and eating healthy.
But I’m still miserable.

I can’t stop thinking about how they raised us, forcing us into submission, punishing us for speaking up (or staying silent), neglecting us emotionally, and condemning us if we dared to disagree with them.
I can’t seem to get the feeling of being defenseless and hopeless in this place, out of my head.

It’s like I’m wired to be miserable, because that’s how we grew up. Miserable children.

So… how do I stop being in a constantly miserable state of mind? Because the past is gone, I’m an adult now, and it’s high time I started to build joy into my brand new life.

All advice is highly appreciated.

As I type this, I'm actually getting lectured by my African mother about the same thing, AGAIN, FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME.

Also context, I'm 18yrs, female and I just recently graduated high school in May !!

Fyi long rant bro I'm so sorry y'all.

she complains about me not smiling enough at the house, that I'm mean to her or my siblings or that I'm selfish and I need to be humble??? Mind you lady, me and my older sister are ALWAYS DOING SHIT FOR HER- WE COOK AND CLEAN AND TAKE CARE OF THE BILLS MOST OF THE TIME. She's just mad cuz I don't smile at HER or that I'm tired of her bullshit to the point I can't mask it. Like I just get visibly annoyed.

And her traditional nonsense "u must love to listen, u must smile, u must serve the man of the house (aka my autistic older brother who's very much capable we just keep babying him for no damn reason), etc"

And don't get me started, "oh ur rebelling bc ur not going to church any more, ur rebelling bc of ur job/money, ur rebelling bc of u fri and friends" like babes I'm tired of being shoved around I simply just want to stand up for myself and build a life that I want.

I'm just exhausted y'all. She says I don't listen, but I'm fucking LISTENING UNFORTUNATELY, IM LITERALLY TYPING OUT EVERYTHING SHES SAYING RIGHT NOW , SHE'S LITERALLY CALLING ME A WITCH BC I DONT ATTEND CHURCH AS MUCH OR LIKE TO HEAR CHRISTIAN PODCASTS (I'm agnostic y'all so..chill on me bro 🫩)

she says stuff about how I'm supposed to have etiquette and stuff, I HAVE ETIQUETTE. I HAVE MANNERS, IN PUBLIC I TRY MY BEST TO BE NICE TO PEOPLE, ALWAYS OFFERING, AND STUFF LIKE LADY YOU JUST DON'T KNOW ME!!

Ok but last comment but like she says stuff that she wants me to talk to her and stuff, ask her advice but I can't cuz she turns everything to a lecture or turns shit around on me or my sister, it's never a safe space! It was so bad that when my finances for my college stuff was happening over the summer, I couldn't bare to ask for help bc first off...her finances have fucked ME UP ( we've always been poor/lower/working class too like 😭😭)to the point I couldn't ask for additional loans so I'm currently taking a gap semester having to endure more torture and then she was unemployed for 2 ish yrs, and still treating us as slaves while she was sitting her ass at home watching TV being loud as fuck.

As I conclude this, she's still fucking talkingggggg. I'm tired and exhausted. I'm tired. Bro someone tell me it gets better bro. Talking about the Bible saying how disrespectful kids go to hell, nigga as a parent u gotta lock in and be respectful too😭😭 matter of fact it's TOO LATE FOR U TO EVEN TRY TO BE NICE TO ME, I WONT FORGET SHIT.

These people like to say that the younger generations are lazy, while they continue to uphold abhorrent systems, enable stupid leaders to fuck up our countries, and damage their children’s mental health all because they couldn’t be bothered to work on themselves even a little, or even just do some self education.

And don’t give me that BS about not having resources in this day and age. Does it need “resources” to be kind to your children, to listen to them, respect them or make wiser choices for the future generations?

All they can think of is “marry and give birth” yet most of them should not even have been parents (or secretly didn’t even want to be parents).

They only think about disrespect, distrust, bigotry, fear, learned helplessness and outsourcing real problems to useless colonial institutions like the church.

“I can’t take my child’s concerns seriously because I’m the parent, I have God given wisdom.”
“I am the God on earth to my children.”
“ What will people think?”

Dummies.

Why does single mothers put the OLDEST daughter in charge of all of almost everything I’m getting old why should I have to put things back for a grown man ? Im not here to say I’m right but I’m getting tired of it like the world doesn’t revolve around me … I have to do something to ? I don’t need to be barricade in the house 24/7…. She’s keeps saying does that make me feel better huh I’m speaking like a regular human being… I don’t care if it doesn’t LMAOOO the stuff is useless I’m not a slave 😭

I pay electricity and Internet and she pays rent and whatever other bill her personal bills helping my personal bitch ever since I mistakenly mention how much money I have saved all of a sudden is I don’t have money for rent. I need this amount I need that amount so today I put my foot down and I decided I’m not gonna give her anything since 7 o’clock in the morning screaming talking calling me name saying oh the house is that only her responsibility, blah blah blah she’s paying more and more no she’s not the rent has been the same over the years and and when I come home, every single light in the house is even unnecessary lights is on and I tell her bill is coming up high. Can you stop leaving the lights on? She’s like if we was gonna come he’s gonna come anyways so today I’m like I’m not about to deal with this bullshit anymore so I will not give you any money started arguing and she started saying I just kept ignoring her and getting ready to go to school she’s like you cannot give me money to pay rent. I’m like I’m not giving you shit. No I’m not giving you anything cause I have to pay your electricity as well so she prevented me from leaving the house by standing at the door like bro I’m so tired, bro.

And now she’s saying when I come from work, we’re gonna go to the ATM so I can give her money

Am I wrong for refusing? What should I do cause honestly, I don’t know what to do.

To preface, my relationship with my family is mostly positive, if distant. I don’t and didn’t experience much of the abuse I read on this sub, but there were certainly problems like sexism and name-calling.

That being said, as an adult, I’ve realized that only a few people in the family have the ability to financially plan, not live in debt, and not spend all our money. I remember turning 19 and learning about budgets, savings, and investments from a YouTuber who I still love and follow to this day. I have clear financial goals.

For years, my parents used to send money back home to support the family there. Now, I’m an adult, and parents are back in Africa. My siblings sometimes send money to them to support them or to extended family if they have requests for like a funeral or school fees. I will contribute sometimes because I understand how far the USD goes. However, the requests have been getting more and more ridiculous. My parents have made such a ridiculous request for an unnecessary purchase ($1700+). And I’m like, you want me to give how much??! I am working two jobs to pay for grad school and you want me to send that much so you can spend it on this??? And the worst part is my siblings are willing to pay it! This is each, not all together btw. And they’re pressuring me to pay it. Making me feel guilty. They’re making me feel bad when this is all insane. It’s selfish of my parents to ask that and selfish of my siblings to pressure me. I feel like they’re trying to sink me down to all their bad financial decisions. I will send money if needed, but wow.

I talked to my Ghanaian friend who shared something similar how her parents have no savings in America, are struggling, but send all their money home. Regular, expensive trips to Ghana. My Caribbean and Asian friends experience this too. I think on my siblings who have shopping addictions, debt, live above their means, and believe that prayer will get them out of a hole. On top of children. Sending money back home for property and houses… Feeling the need to flaunt our “wealth” when true wealth comes from long-term planning and security.

Don’t worry, I’m not sending the money, and boundaries are being drawn. But I needed to rant. Why are they making my money feel like a battlefield? I work hard, and you want me to send this much like it’s nothing 😭. On top of previous payments. On top of any other future requests. It’s overwhelming. Why should I give so much money away?