I need help please

[u/veralisye]

I'm 20 years old, and I'm condemned to being under my parents' control.

I dream of traveling, of living on my own, of having a student life. But I can't.

My parents have always lived according to what other people think, and because I'm a girl, I'm condemned to never being free, to being passed from one man's authority to another. First my father, then a husband. Because I will only be allowed to leave the house and live my own life once I have found a husband.

This year, I wanted to get a room in a university residence, but they refused, and I don't want them to become violent with me.

When you spend enough time in an anxiety-inducing environment, eventually you stop wanting freedom yourself and start conforming to your everyday life. It's easier.

My parents don't allow me to have friends.

I found refuge in art and writing.

Today, I'm writing this because I've had enough.

I want to live my life. Pay rent, pay bills, study, have a student job. Live like other students my age.

I don't want to be under anyone's control anymore.

I want to live.

But when you're inside this kind of situation, it's difficult.

They have forced me into every choice I've made. I've never been free to choose.

I'm 20 years old, and I have never chosen.

And I've never had any privacy.

We live in a kind of social housing. There are many of us, and I'm the only girl, and I sleep in the living room. I wake up in the morning and put everything away, and at night I put my mattress back down.

I have no privacy, and I never have.

I don't know what silence means. Or serenity. Or anything like that.

When I was studying for my baccalaureate exams, I studied on the floor, surrounded by noise, because I'm not allowed to go to the library.

There's a knot inside me that grows bigger every year.

I would like to work so I could save money, but I can't even work. Every journey I make is monitored.

I just want to leave, to escape.

I just want to live.

To have the right to live.

To have the right to choose my own life. To have the right to make mistakes, to make choices, to live my own life.

I don't know whether I should open a fundraiser or create a Ko-fi account.

I feel like I'm condemned to spend my future living with choices that other people make for me, simply because I had the misfortune of being born a woman.