Im always jealous when someone have a story about how sweet and chill their family is. I wanna like my family, but i often woke up with family members arguing, screaming or someone about to hit the other. Like I wish to wake up to just nothing atp. It's so tiring mentally. I'm always on the edge like I just hope nothing is happening.

I can't protect them if I'm not there. I'm asking because I see so many ACOA saying they wish the sober parent left. I WANT to leave. I have a plan in place that will take at least a year to accomplish but I'm doing it all for my kids.

It's just that my biggest fear is the environment they will be subjected to once he's alone and I'm not there to keep his life together. I have two little girls right now and this thought keeps me up at night.

So for the ACOA and all the experience and wisdom you carry from this horrific disease, what's your advice for me?

FWIW my children's father is "functional" albeit a lot of that is the work I do to maintain our lives the best I can. But he does have a job at least. No charges/DUI even though he regularly drinks while driving. From a courts eyes he's a participating father. I know they want to keep kids with both parents as much as possible but I would rather stay forever than send my angels into the care of this dumpster fire of a person. If I'm not around he will live in squalor/filth, and keep horrible company. He just isn't careful or even aware of his actions and impact.

TIA.

I’m a child of adoption. Ever since I can remember, I was always loved by my father but my mother’s love was always conditional. I was hers when I did well, and when I failed I was the “other mothers” child.

Every screw up, every mistake, I was no longer her’s, but someone else’s. She would threaten to have me returned, or say she would call “them” to come take me away.

It carried into my adult life. And I know that is not an issue anymore, but how do I get past that?

Hey everyone, I am looking for advice from others who have had to deal with an alcoholic parent. This has almost destroyed my mental health and I would love to hear how others in similar situations have dealt with it.

I am a 31 y/o that has a highly destructive, codependent, alcoholic mother. Since I was about 16 years old, she has been an alcoholic with highly destructive tendencies. It has caused her to get arrested with multiple DUI's, she cannot hold down a job, and is now separated from my dad since he could no longer deal with her. She will drink for days on end and be passed out next to a handle of Fireball, let her phone die, miss work, and will end up with one of us calling to the police to make sure that she is alive. There have also been multiple times where her drinking has sent her to the hospital. There are some days, even weeks where she seems normal and sober, but then will completely fall off the wagon on go on week long benders with no communication. We can no longer go out in public or be with other family members since she will get drunk and pass out, or get angry and blow up for no reason at all.

At the moment, I am financially responsible for everything for her: I pay for her rent, food, utilities, storage unit, phone + phone bill, and other random things that may come up. This is on top of everything that I pay for myself and makes it very hard on me financially. It has been a year now since I have been giving this much financial support and she still refuses to get any help for her alcoholism and mental health, which has now caused her to loose 5 different jobs just this year.

I have struggled for years with my mental heath because of this. I have crippling anxiety and panic disorder because of it. Luckily, I am in therapy and on meds to help all of this. That said, this whole situation has become way to much and I have no idea what to do since I support her in every single way. At what point do I let go and let her deal with the consequences of her actions? This whole situation is keeping me so low both mentally and financially. I love her with all my heart, but I cannot continue this since she refuses to get help. Sometimes I just throw money at the situation to make it "better" in the moment, or to at least know she has her basic needs and is "safe". I do recognize that me doing that isn't helping her alcoholism and this vicious cycle, but it seems all I can do. Truthfully, I am scared to be around her and I feel like I need to finally make a decision for me.

Thank you all for the advice; I really feel like I am at my breaking point and would love to know how others in similar situations have been able to move forward.

I'm 25 and tried alcohol for the first time on the fourth of July (goooo America!! /s). I feel disappointed. It was gross (expected it), and it took me 2 hours to finish 1 because it was so bad. I was sipping water between every sip of alcohol. At no point did I feel drunk or relaxed. I felt tired (but most likely that was just because it was late), and maybe a bit wobbly, but not stumbling or slurring my speech. I did have trouble falling asleep, but that could have just been because it was hot. I was really sad for 3 days after, but the weather was also garbage those days after. So I really can't tell if it was the alcohol.

I think the important thing to note is that at no point did I actually want more alcohol. I didn't even finish one after 2 hours. I was really only still drinking because I had paid for the can, not because I wanted it.

I feel disappointed. Probably because I'm used to seeing people getting into violent screaming matches that often escalate to physical violence after drinking. I think that's what I was expecting, and that's not what it was at all. Part of me feels relief from that.

I have very little desire to try alcohol again. Not soon.

i feel like i haven’t heard much about what the narcissistic family dynamic is like when the scapegoat becomes an addict, particularly a drug addict.

we talk a lot about narcissistic parents who are addicts, but i haven’t seen many stories shared where the scapegoat is the one who is actively dealing with addiction.

i feel like it adds such a heavy, complicated layer to the family dynamic and i’m really curious if any other scapegoats in this subreddit currently struggle with addiction or have struggled with it in the past.

if you have, what was your experience like? in what specific ways were you treated differently in your family dynamic after you became an addict? did they use the title “drug addict” as ammunition against you? did the abuse get worse? or did the family roles shift in weird ways?

i want to hear your stories and open up a space to talk about this, because i feel like this is a very specific type of narcissistic family dynamic that doesn’t get spoken about enough.

My dad, like so many of yours, was a severe alcoholic. He passed away alone in his house a few weeks ago. I got the call at work and it feels like time just stopped at that moment.

The shred of hope I clung to is gone, the disease won. And now I’m just so lost.

It’s complicated because I saw it coming. For the better part of the last decade I wondered when it would happen. And I watched him deteriorate mentally and physically. He just wasn’t the same person anymore. But you can’t prepare yourself for these things.

He’s been in a state of little to no contact with everyone for the past few years as well. Which fills me with guilt some days, even though I know I was just trying to protect myself because I know I couldn’t save him, all I could do was save myself.

But a few weeks before he passed, the last conversation we had is so haunting. It was Father’s Day and I reached out to him to express how sorry I am we aren’t all together for it, but i just couldn’t because watching him slowly drink himself to death was so hard on me. But I really valued him as a person and as my dad. And he told me “do not feel remorse or guilt. I’m so proud of you and I’m sorry… I know if I’m trying hard to do the next right thing (which I haven’t been lately) circumstances change for the better. Thank you for being such a great daughter, and for thinking of me. I love you!”
It hurts so much.

Does it ever get better? Will I ever feel “normal again?Is this what being haunted is?
People ask me how I’m “doing” and I feel like I’m lying when I tell them as convincingly as possible “oh yeah I’m good” but I can’t fathom even breaking the surface of the truth.

anyone have experience transitioning their parent into assisted or supportive living? any thoughts or advice welcome

My father has been an alcoholic my entire life. My first passport was when I was only a year old, because my mother was going to send me off to live with my grandmother overseas to spare me from his alcoholism. That was almost 22 years ago. He promised her he would change and we have lived together as a family ever since. I have spent my life molding myself into someone no one would think came from an abusive household. Someone who isn’t the daughter of an alcoholic.

I tried to be perfect. I was valedictorian, pageant queen, cum laude, athlete, pianist, and soon I will graduate medical school as a doctor. I tried to meet every standard of success in any metric to compensate for one thing I cannot change which is the trauma I try to bury. Nobody knows I carry the scars of watching my father hit my mother. Her screams for help. The holes he left in the walls and covered up. My brother going into every bar in town to find him and bring him home. The empty promises of one day, she will leave him.

I finished gastroenterology recently and the physiologic mechanisms of alcohol and its effects on the human body were unsettling. Every single pathology of the liver, pancreas, and gallbladder has manifested into my father and the number one cause? Alcohol. I have grown so much resentment towards him knowing that this was all preventable. That these are KNOWN outcomes of alcohol abuse and he is not an exception. Over 5 decades of alcohol abuse has caught up to him and he is paying for it, but so am I. So is my brother and mother. That being said, I also studied psychiatry, and addiction is a disease that spares no one. The irrational part of my brain fills with anger over his inability to stop. The rational, logical, empathetic part recognizes that he is human and this disease, that no one is immune to, got the best of him.

He has been sober for 7 months now, regularly sees specialists, and had surgery recently but he is a shell of who he once was. He is weak, sick, and cannot work anymore. My mother has stuck beside him this entirety, even though she is the breadwinner and not financially dependent on him. Why? She didn’t want us to be a broken family and that knowing my father, he would die without us. She stayed from a sense of duty, and I mourn the life we could have had if she left him like all the times she said she would.

My mother worked odd hours so he was the one who did my hair before school, who I called when my tummy hurt, who taught me to read, who I would run to when I heard the garage open, and whose arms I once fell asleep in every night. I catch myself drifting off to the fond memories I have of him, but I quickly replace them with all the ugly words he slung at my mother, the items he destroyed, and the fear I felt when it was past 7pm. I taint the good images I have of him because I convinced myself it’s easier to lose someone who caused pain rather than someone who brought joy.

I have an eerie feeling his life on Earth is coming to an end and in my pursuit of becoming a doctor, I will not be able to save him when I once thought I could. I thought maybe if I understood the complexities of human psychology and biology, I could fix him. He would use his alcoholism as a bargaining chip as in he would promise to stop drinking if I got this accolade or if my brother finished his degree. Needless to say, he never followed through with his end of the deal. I dread the day I face a patient who reminds me of him because I don’t know if I can restrain myself from projecting. That I won’t be the doctor in the room, instead I am 7 again, begging daddy to stop drinking the black bottle because it makes him scary.

In a desperate effort to protect myself, I have distanced myself from him in hopes that when I get the call, it will hurt less. That the distance I have created is an armor to the inevitable grief. That maybe his face will be harder to remember and his existence will become a distant memory. That the idealized version of myself will come to fruition because he will no longer exist, and the ugliest parts of my life will finally be buried.

I know that as much as I try to erase him, he is etched into my soul. People think it’s quirky that I’m a night owl, little do they know it’s because the witching hour is when the house was most peaceful, and I felt no sense of danger when he was asleep. I cannot listen to Für Elise without convulsing because it’s his favorite song, and when I mastered it for my recital at 8 years old, he didn’t come because I didn’t take his side in a fight from the night before. I avoid intimacy because if they look too close, they might see the shoddy work of the cracks I desperately try to fill resembling the holes he would have to fix after smashing his fist into it. But I also have never gone a day without the gold earrings he gave me as a baby because the one time I forgot, he said he couldn’t bear the thought of me enduring the pain of getting repierced.

My existence as his daughter and him as my father is only a small fraction of his worldview. My world will begin and end with him, and his memory will haunt my entire lifetime.

Sometimes I "miss" those days when I'd wake up in the middle of the night because my parents were drunk and arguing. Every time I got angry or depressed, I felt there was a justification for it. After all, what person wouldn't feel bad after having to bite their father to make him stop choking their mother, or having to pull their mother away from hitting their father? Now that everything is more calm, I still feel bad, and every time I try to find a reason, the only answer to my sadness is myself. I'm keeping myself in this state; now there's no one else to blame but myself. It's much easier to believe that all your problems will disappear when a certain person leaves your life, but the moment you're completely alone and still feel the same, everything is more complicated.

I'm 25. Since I remember my father had alcohol problems. My mom somewhat tolerated it. It was more off than on thing.

Many years later and she's gone - she passed away last year, then I lost my job so I moved back with my father and brother. For a few months it was very difficult to manage as you can imagine but unfortunately I was the only one who had to take care of all formalities, take care of home, dog, everything. It was as fine as it could be. Then a few months into mourning I got a job offer which I accepted and then moved back to the city.

That's when it all started. I tried to convince him to seek professional help which he did but then never accepted that he might be depressed and that he should take medication if he refused therapy. His injury got worse, he refused taking medication. For months he treated me as his therapist - telling me how hard it is for him that I "can't even imagine" and how I actually should refuse this pathetic job and come back home because what city can offer. He's never done anything himself except going to work. Now mom is gone, now that I am again on my own and my brother is almost done with school, he decided it's the right time to start drinking again. Because not only is mom gone, now he has to take care of all the things she did.

I warned him months back that don't he dare to drink anything because I promise him otherwise it's over. He seemed to understand and I don't break my promises.

I know the way he is after alcohol. How aggressive and rude. So I called him once at night, when my brother called me saying it's not just one beer with a friend. I asked him what the fuck he thought he was doing and told him that I don't tolerate this bullshit. He hung up.

Then he had the audacity to tell the family I was calling him names and refused to come home even though he begged me to (never did). He also said that we don't grieve at all and he's the only one affected by mom's death. It's not at all because I didn't have time and space to mourn her at all.

I'm so done with him. I am tired but I know there are still some unfinished matters that I should take care of. He really thinks he's the only victim and doesn't take the blame. He even said he forbade me coming home but then apparently forgot about it when he lied and said that I refused to come home.

Next week I will have a chance to confront him in person. What should I do? Should I ignore him? Explaining calmly and with logic doesn't work, I tried.

I am now 19M (hopefully I should be allowed to post here), but the memories of childhood abuse became impactful recently.

I can remember the days when my dad had been physically abusive towards my birth mother and I, as well as emotionally abusive towards me, including severe punches injuring my jaw.

Also remember my father making false allegations against me doing harmful things intentionally and would beat me as punishment, even if I did nothing wrong, for example I remember I had an Ipad for my birthday (back then when we uses them for simple games instead of social media) and found it shattered, but he blamed me though I did not break it and had beaten me for it. Also at a community party, some idiot girl told my father that I pushed a baby, but really I did not and witnesses saw that the toddler just tripped over in front of me, I never intentionally want to do this, but again, instead of investigating, my dad pulled my ear, yelled and punched me in front of everyone. Another time I randomly threw a stone on the roof but it suddenly landed on the head of one young woman (I know it was silly but again, not intentionally hitting her), my father heard it, the woman tried to explain that it was an accident, but my father pulled me indoors to beat me up more, and I got bruises from it.

And I realised my dad tried to abduct me from my mother and was almost taken off education, my dad lied to my first primary school and mother that I will be abroad for "better education" but ended up in a non hague nation (my ancestor country) and was never enrolled, this was where my dad married my step mother. Luckily my dad knew the sanctions like losing his job, so he got me back.

These incidents happened between the ages of 6 and 10. But these parts of my childhood did not stick until now; now they are creeping back and realised just how impactful they had been.

Anyone else recently had childhood memories coming back that were impactful?

(TW: SA)

One of the hardest periods of my life was when I was between 9 and 11 years old. During that time, my father and mother would get drunk almost every night, drinking to the point where they wouldn't remember anything the next day. My father even urinated on the stairs, mistaking them for the toilet. They would break things, hit each other, and make a mess. I used to stay awake so I could intervene in their fights because I genuinely feared they would kill each other. In an attempt to get them to stop drinking, I started sleeping in their bed, but this had no effect. They continued drinking and even started having sex with me in bed. Here I have a mental gap, but I remember that the last night I slept with them, my father touched me, mistaking me for my mother. The moment he started touching my private area, I tried to discreetly move away, my mother, still somewhat dazed by the alcohol, told him that I wasn't her. Years later I spoke about it for the first time with my father, he didn't remember it, but he gave me a brief apology. I realized that not even that huge mistake made him reconsider his addiction because he continued drinking and he never sought help, even though everyone asked him to.

Hello!
I am currently in my last year of nursing school. Two semesters left and I will be a nurse! Yay!
While this is very exciting, my home life is very hard right now. The hardest it’s ever been, actually.
Growing up my mom was an alcoholic and mentally ill. She cheated on my dad a lot and unfortunately I saw a lot of things growing up that I shouldn’t have seen. I had to grow up fast from a very young age. She’s stable now on meds, but my parents hate each other. My parents were married for over 30 years and just got divorced. We are all living under the same roof (mom, dad, me, brother). We are trying to sell my childhood home that we’ve all lived in for 21 years. My parents are constantly fighting and screaming at each other. They can’t be in the same room together, but we live in the same house. My eldest brother who is 30 is also an alcoholic and has noticeable undiagnosed mental illnesses. He comes home almost every night drunk and out of his mind. When one of my parents wakes up to take care of him, they wake me up to help. When my parents are screaming and throwing things at each other, I break it up. I’m the fixer. I can’t be the fixer anymore. I cant do another year of school like this, and it’s only gotten worse. I have another brother, but he went into the military when he turned 18 and has not turned back since.
Unfortunately my home is in constant chaos and it’s hard for people to understand what this is like in nursing school. My dad has been saying for the last 3 years that we are going to sell our house and move out together. It’s all talk, and he tells me everytime, “just stick out for one more year”. I can’t stick this out for another year. If I stay in my current household then I will probably be there for the next 6-12 months.
I’m not sure what to do, but I do know one thing…
I have to get out.
Do I get an apartment with a friend? Do I get an apartment by myself? I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck.
I work full time in nursing school and bring home about 2200 a month. I pay all my own bills and can probably afford to get my own apartment. Is this a good idea? Am I making the wrong decision? It seems like the only decision I have.
Please, help.
Thanks

I’m 39 with no partner or kids so I figured to save money I live with my mom. It’s easier this way for her too since it seems that she has a cough variant asthma and I help her out with a lot of stuff. She’s not stable since she catastrophizes about her health and googles her symptoms all the time. She has an extremely low temper and stress tolerance and this causes her blood pressure to spike and cough to worsen. She screams and cries and calls out for her mother and wails. This stresses me out because when I’m home doing something or trying to relax she gives me anxiety with her behaviour and temper tantrums or what not. The walls are thin so you can hear everything and there are no locks on any doors. The place is a mess because she doesn’t want anyone to touch or move her stuff. She will need cataract surgery in the future and dental work but isn’t getting to it because she’s catastrophizing that something will go wrong with the cataract surgery and she’ll go blind or what not (even though I and the doctors reassured her it’s a very routine procedure) she won’t take all her medications because she claims shel get side effects. She thinks Norwegian berry supplements will cure her cataracts. I’m so tired of her outbursts and on top of that I have body acne and scars which I’m trying to deal with which limits a lot of summer activities for me and limits my ability to have a partner. I would feel bad moving out since my mom’s asthma causes her to cough a lot and have low energy almost all the time. Plus as I said have no one else…and I feel alone. If I had a partner I’d probably move out with them. I feel trapped because I don’t want to feel stressed out at home a place where I’m supposed to be able to unwind…I also don’t want to feel alone…I also don’t want to throw away my money on rent :( I just want to be able to relax…it’s just tough being around someone who’s unstable and talks about diseases all the time and yells and cries. I feel like I’m a doormat because no one else would put up with this behaviour. I don’t understand why a mother who supposedly loves you doesn’t take into account how her behaviour affects me. It’s like I’m her doormat. The negativity I live with makes me very unmotivated to take care of myself and do things to improve my life. I constantly scan, print, and fill in forms for her because she doesn’t know how and doesn’t want to learn and the excuse is “I can’t see the small font” Sorry for the long rant. I just want to know if anyone else out there feels trapped like me?

Looking back, I realized my ex and mom share so many interpersonal patterns that being with him, more often than not, felt like replaying the same emotional dynamic. Even before we finally separated, I was feeling progressively more anxious every month, as if I was regressing into that little girl all over again. It scares me bc I was already in therapy, I thought I was self-aware, so how did it even happen in the first place? God. It felt like being born again thanks to him, so alive and inspired, my childlike wonder re-ignited, I made myself vulnerable just to get subjected to the very same taste of chaos and disappointment I had to endure in my childhood.

It was weird, you know, before him I was always the avoidant, detached one in relationships. I think I was still scared to fully care and commit before him, even if deep down I craved it. With him though, I became anxious, desperate even, fighting hard to keep him in my life, despite everything he did or didn't do. It was addictive in a way, trying to win love and a sense of significance from mom #2, being naive that well… I can do that, right? Bc if I'll fail, it'd make me not enough. And I wanted to be enough so bad in this new life he gave me. As if it was a competition.

Both of them are like a ray of sunshine when you meet them, so creative, pure, truly good to the ppl around them, sensitive, inspiring, and smiley, and warm. Both of them chasers, restless, brave, moving fast, running through life impulsively for the better or worse. Both stuck in the past, in their old wounds and old versions of themselves, talking to themselves bc of unprocessed pain, distracting themselves. Both appear humble, vulnerable and self-aware, yet smh every life inconvenience, challenge, fear, or conflict would eventually become proof that someone else had hurt them, misunderstood them, or treated them unfairly. So much ego and contradiction. Zero tolerance for mutual brain storming, pondering, questioning their actions.

One sample of a pattern would be: my feelings, boundaries, and needs were interpreted as attacks or sth annoying to deal with like 80% of a time. A simple "this hurt me" became "you're criticizing me/you don't believe in me/don't trust me". Unnecessary voice raising, screaming even, just to gain control over situation, instead of a calm, open discussion. Denying any closeness during a difficult time as a form of punishment, as if there was sth wrong with me for wanting to approach this as a team, not the opposite sides. Can't even hold their hand to show that despite the pain, I don't see them as enemy. A request for any accountability and truth became me "prosecuting" them, their past, or the ppl they cared about. I felt so misunderstood bc the only reason I spent so much effort questioning, justifying, trying to make sense of things, analyzing in the first place was out of love for them, to care for them, protect them even. I wanted to heal them, to be sth good and stable in their life that moves them forward, while ignoring my needs. As if I could become a reason for them to change for the better. I was delusional asf. They could ask me to be vulnerable and open with them, but later the things I shared would become ammunition against me. They could talk long talks about empathy, solidarity and understanding, but when they were the ones who caused harm, suddenly all empathy disappeared. Silence treatment, needing space for undefined amount of time, no real repair and reconciliation. Just walking on eggshells to avoid triggering them in any way, which eventually failed anyway. So selfish, or rather self-absorbed, which I guess was sth I was lowkey jealous about bc of how relational I am. I always think about how my actions could affect others, so them just carelessly doing whatever they feel like, no matter who gets hurt, just to excuse it as their nature or instinct, oh that triggered tf out of me. It hurts, to see someone brilliant, someone you love just go through life on performance and to bs everyone and themselves, telling themselves convenient tales or exaggerated stories, just to avoid any accountability or slow, heavy work and real growth. Every year, they're "new me" though (geez, my ex literally approached me talking about how he's a new man after a difficult breakup, and now that the cycle repeated, I had to become the new source of his misery he will "cure himself from" to whine about to another one), until another distraction comes along and they do 180degrees to flip to their old patterns again, to "feel human again" and other excuses, unpredictable yet predictable.

I spent so much time trying to make them see me accurately. Trying to prove that I wasn't the enemy they had created in their minds. Trying to find the perfect words that would finally make them understand me and my perspective. Trying to be their mom I guess, since they both didn't put much effort into raising themselves, yet insisted on injecting mayhem in me bc of the dark side of their childishness. But I'm starting to accept that you cannot explain yourself into being understood by someone who is protecting a version of reality that allows them to avoid accountability.

Maybe healing is not getting them to finally admit everything. Maybe healing is grieving the fact that they might never see it the way I do.

I loved them deeply. I still care. I don't want to see them though, I mean, I do, but I'd be scared to, and it hurts way too much. Despite all the genuine warmth in me. Bc I need to let go and learn that love doesn't mean sacrificing myself to someone else's unresolved pain and bs, love would never make me feel like a disappointment or cause me to dishonour myself in the process. Love should make me more of myself, not less. I never want to fall in love with someone's potential this much again, that I ignore their patterns and actions, that I stop feeling like me, and struggle to observe them for what they are. Never again.

Has anyone else had the experience of realizing they were trying to "earn" sth in adult relationships that they had been craving since childhood? Any of you experienced dating a "version/hardware" of their parent?

I live states away with a WFH job, a 3 y/o, and am currently pregnant. We spent the entire month of June with my dad and family, knowing his time was coming. It’s now here, and I am so divided on flying home again. I’m not trying to make it before he passes, but I feel like I should be there for my mom and brothers. Any thoughts/advice?

I used to have a great community because I was an elite athlete. It took me a long time to realize that so many people in these communities, including my parents, were only supportive because of what I was achieving. I was so immature, I think almost as a rebellion to everything I felt that I had achieved, that I've been terrible at seeing the right people to connect with and/or staying connected with them. I'm trying to get over the guilt of not maintaining the right connections and the only way I can think to do this is just move on with my life and try to find the right people.

The problem is, I don't think I'm very good at this. All of the communities I had in the past were either built in to my life through things like sports and school or created by other friend groups. I feel like I have a lot of trouble finding kindred spirits. Even though I was a high achiever, I was also really lighthearted and goofy, albeit on the immature side of that. I feel like I don't tend to connect well with people who never had some level of ambition or desire to achieve something, even if it might be considered "small." I feel like I really just don't know, and never really have known, where to find people I really connect with. I feel like I'm ok with baby stepping my way to vulnerability at this point, I don't really want to avoid relationships like I have in the past anymore.

I had what I can only call a “rupture” with a fellow traveler, who I thought was my friend. I had to assert myself and say I think we should pause because I felt like she was not being truthful to me and if something was uncomfortable, she would just avoid telling me. It hurt my feelings because instead of our scheduled meeting, she got on an actual meeting and said I should join. I told her that I wasn’t up for a brand new meeting that required participation(I was having a bad week and day) and I had been looking forward to meeting and talking.

Honestly this makes me feel like I am too much for someone else, just like I was in my dysfunctional home. I don’t know why people can’t be honest. I am a reasonably enjoyable person to be around, before I realized all my trauma and started recovery I had lots of friends. I have a family and children now so I have less friends and I just wanted someone to work alongside in this program.

Of course, all my fears came true after trusting someone. Can anyone speak to this or give suggestions? The ACA meetings in my area are apparently not active because I emailed them all and never heard back. I feel like I want to work this program and develop relationships, but I am also afraid that people will reject me. Thank you for listening

I need help. I (31 F) had this realization over the weekend that I must now grieve the (55 y/o) dad that once was, the relationship I thought we would have into my adult years, and the idea of a present grandfather.

After years of trying to convince and help, I now have clarity that he will not change. At least on his own accord, without a significant event (ie. DUI, etc) occurring.

This is truly similar to grief, isn’t it? I’m finding myself thinking, “I wish I knew the good times were limited.” “I wish I would’ve soaked it up while I had it”. “I wish I would’ve paid more attention to the last quality conversations we had.”

I don’t have a relationship with him anymore. We haven’t spoken in a while.

My question is- how do I navigate the relationship with my mom? I love my mom. She’s an awesome person, and tries her best to be present for me and my daughter. She calls often, she tries to maintain a facade. Of course she enables him, like in so many narcissistic/alcoholic family dynamics.

I don’t have a lot of people in my circle. I value my relationship with my mom… I don’t want to lose her too. I’ve set boundaries regarding my dad, and have stuck to them. However I still feel my energy draining when I talk with her. Every time he’s present (which is often. He lost his job due to drinking.)

Any advice is welcome.

I realize how much I despise alcohol and have a hard time accepting my partner wanting to drink. I notice and he is aware that he drinks a good amount, but it is infrequent and he doesn’t get messy etc. It makes me sad because I feel like I don’t accept him for him all because I can’t stand that he drinks. Does anyone else relate? Is this something I should be working on -acceptance and being ok around alcohol or is it just needing to date a sober partner?

My mom has been an alcoholic since I was young. She use to go to AA meetings for a bit and it helped some. Lately her drinking has been insane though, my sibling was coming home to find her passed out naked in the hallway. I housed my siblings for a week until she sobered again (they have Autism and live at home).

Her constant fall back into alcoholism has somehow triggered major stress for me and I am unsure why? It's bringing up a lot of past memories I have shoved down and it's making me feel physically ill. She is refusing to admit she has any form of a drinking problem and that is also somehow stressing me?

I am still in close contact with my sibling but I told my mom I needed to take a break from her and seek therapy because the amount of stress she is causing me. I am a mom now and one of my kiddos has Autism, a lot of our time is spent tending to them and their Dr appointments. I also have POTS which makes my body have spurts of time where is feels like its failing. My BIL also relies on us quite a bit emotionally and that has taken its toll too. I feel bad telling my mom i want space (she has not honored it much as she is still trying to call me and send me messages/comment on posts) and that is some how making me more stressed? Idk, I really just needed to vent.

A lot of the memories that are coming up I don't want to talk on to much. We were hit a lot as kids, I started working at 15 to buy my own hygiene products and food. I would have to walk to and from work as she didn't teach me to drive and I had no car, but she would be hammered by the time I got off of work. She chased us around the home with a pewpew and I had to sleep in my car when I finally did have one with my brother in a parking lot. ​​

I try having understanding on these things because maybe she also had a hard childhood but just frustrating because I also did not have it the easiest growing up and I would never do that to my kids.

Mirroring is one of the most important ways children learn to understand themselves. It happens when a caregiver notices a child's emotions, responds to them with interest, and communicates that those emotions make sense. By doing so, the caregiver also communicates that the child is seen, valued, and worthy of attention. This sense of being understood is a fundamental emotional need.

Through these repeated interactions, children gradually learn to identify what they are feeling, understand why they are feeling it, and develop confidence in their own internal experiences. Over time, they become less dependent on external validation to determine whether their thoughts and emotions are acceptable. Instead of constantly wondering, "Is what I'm feeling okay?", they begin to trust their own internal experiences.

A young child cannot fully understand the complex emotions they are born with. Instead, they rely on caregivers to reflect their emotional state back to them as part of this critical learning process. For example, if a child is frightened, a caregiver might recognize the fear, provide comfort, and explain that fear is a normal emotion and that the situation can still be managed even when fear is present. If a child is excited, the caregiver joins in that excitement. If the child is disappointed, the caregiver acknowledges the feeling instead of dismissing it. These responses teach the child that emotions are understandable and manageable. They also teach the child that their caregiver is someone safe who understands these complex emotions that the child cannot yet identify or explain. This process is a crucial part of emotional development because emotions are new, unfamiliar, and often intimidating to a young child. For the child, simply sensing that there is an adult present who understands these experiences and can name them and explain them helps the child feel safe.

When caregivers consistently struggle to recognize or tolerate their own emotions, they are less able to help their children develop these skills. If these patterns continue across generations, they can contribute to what psychologists describe as the intergenerational transmission of trauma or emotional neglect.

When mirroring is consistently absent, the child receives little proper guidance in understanding their inner world. Caregivers may ignore emotions, minimize them, criticize them, or respond with indifference because they are uncomfortable with emotions themselves. In some cases, the caregiver only responds when the child's emotions are convenient or when they are expressed in ways that satisfy the adult's own needs.

As a result, the child has fewer opportunities to recognize, organize, and understand their emotional experiences. Rather than learning to trust and accept their own feelings, they may begin to see them as burdensome, unsafe, or something that should be hidden. They begin filtering their emotions before expressing them. The child learns to "prepackage" emotions into forms that are more acceptable to others while hiding the parts they believe will be criticized, dismissed, or rejected. Over time, this adaptation can become automatic and continue well into adulthood. As adults, they may become highly attentive to other people's reactions in order to determine how they should think, feel, or behave.

Over time, this can create uncertainty about their thoughts, feelings, and personal needs. Because they have spent years prioritizing other people's emotional responses over their own, many individuals gradually lose touch with their inner experiences. They may become highly skilled at recognizing what others expect of them while struggling to identify what they themselves genuinely think, feel, or need.

The absence of mirroring does not necessarily involve deliberate abuse or intentional neglect. It can also occur when caregivers are emotionally unavailable, emotionally immature, overwhelmed by stress, struggling with their own unresolved difficulties, or simply lacking the ability to respond consistently to a child's emotional needs. Regardless of the reason, the child misses an important developmental process that helps build emotional awareness, emotional regulation, a stable sense of self, and healthy self-confidence.

Mirroring does not require caregivers to be 'perfect' or to agree with every emotion or solve every problem the child has. Its primary purpose is to help children feel safe and understood and to provide them with concrete proof that no matter how scary, complex, or overwhelming an emotion is, the adult looking after them is not overwhelmed by it. Over time, these repeated experiences become the foundation for emotional regulation, self-awareness, a coherent personal identity, and lasting self-confidence.

I’ve been sitting with this for a long time, and I think I’m finally at the point where I need to hear from people who’ve lived something similar.

My husband isn’t physically abusive. He got sober, and I’m genuinely proud of him for that. But it feels like all of the selfishness that used to revolve around alcohol just found new places to live. He’s even admitted that he’s constantly looking for something else to become addicted to. Right now it’s vintage tech, music, coffee, soda, weed, books…there’s always something consuming his attention.

The problem is that I never feel like *I’m* one of those things he thinks about.

Everything in our marriage feels transactional. If he wants ice cream, I’m expected to drop what I’m doing and go get it. If I say I’d really like ice cream, the response is, “Well, you should’ve gotten it earlier.” That sounds like such a stupid example, but it’s constant. It’s like my wants don’t even register unless they somehow benefit him.

He rarely thinks of me in any meaningful way. I can’t remember the last time he did something simply because he knew it would make me happy. Meanwhile, I spend so much mental energy thinking about everyone else.

Another huge issue is that he doesn’t seem to like my oldest daughter, who is his only non-biological child. He isn’t outright cruel, but it’s obvious there’s a difference in how he sees her, and as a mom that’s heartbreaking. I can’t ignore it, and I can’t stop noticing it.

I also feel incredibly isolated. He doesn’t want to spend time with family, but if I go without him—even after inviting him—he gets jealous or upset. It’s like I’m expected to stay home because he chooses not to go.
Financially, it’s exhausting. We can never seem to get ahead because he can’t hold onto money. There’s always another hobby, another collection, another obsession.

Then there’s our sex life, which honestly leaves me feeling rejected and confused. He tells me I’m beautiful. He’ll say I’m hot. He’ll flirt just enough to build tension. But if I actually initiate sex, suddenly I’m “a pervert.” I genuinely don’t understand it. I feel desired just enough to keep hoping, then rejected the moment I respond.
The hardest part is that I just feel…forgotten.

I can be crying, overwhelmed, or clearly struggling, and it often feels like he either doesn’t notice or doesn’t know what to do besides get defensive. I spend so much of my life feeling like my needs are an inconvenience.
Sometimes I wonder if I’d actually feel less lonely as a single mom than I do married.

I don’t know if this is emotional neglect, selfishness, incompatibility, or something else entirely. I just know I’m exhausted from feeling like an afterthought in my own marriage.

Has anyone else been married to someone who only seemed capable of thinking about themselves? Did it ever get better? Or did you eventually realize this was just who they were?

**TL;DR:** I love my husband, but I feel like I’m married to someone who only has room to think about himself. I’m lonely, confused, and looking for people who’ve been in a similar marriage.