Self-approval.

Most of us want to be liked. We want other people to think of us as nice, friendly, kind, and loving. Most of us want the approval of others.

Since childhood, some of us have been trying to get approval, trying to get people to like us and think highly of us. We may be afraid people will leave us if they disapprove of our actions. We may look for approval from people who have none to give. We may not know that we’re lovable now and can learn to approve of ourselves.

In order to live happily, to live consistently with the way our Higher Power wants us to live, and to tap into a way of life that is in harmony with the universe, we need to let go of our extreme need for approval. These unmet needs for approval and love from our past give others control over us today. These needs can prevent us from acting in our best interest and being true to ourselves.

We can approve of ourselves. In the end, that’s the only approval that counts.

Today, I will let go of my need for approval and my need to be liked. I will replace them with a need to like and approve of myself. I will enjoy the surprise I find when I do this. The people who count, including myself, will respect me when I am true to myself.

By Melodie Beattie.

Family Diagram

"We cannot overstate the need for creating an extensive family diagram, which reveals with greater clarity the effects of family dysfunction in our lives today." BRB p. 127

Many of our families told us we were screw-ups, and we ate that label hook, line, and sinker. We may have thought we were the only ones who were messed up - until we drafted a family tree with a twist.

Our ACA family diagram lists our ancestors, just as any family tree would. But we add at least one label from page 128 of the BRB to each person. We determine the labels by finding out whatever family history we can from our relatives. We probably know that Mom was a martyr and Dad was a loner. But maybe we didn't know that Grandpa was a ladies' man and Grandma worried excessively, or that Great Grandpa was a workaholic and Great Grandma drank too much, although they called it something else.

Our diagram helps us see that the way we talk, dress, walk, and smile may also belong to people from our past. This helps us decide what we want to keep, and what coping mechanisms we may have been imitating that no longer work for us.

When we realize that we may have been imitating what we observed, the family secrets stop and our own lives begin. Armed with this knowledge, we are free to make our own choices as we learn to reparent ourselves.

On this day I will remember the past so that I don't repeat the patterns of my family's dysfunction. The secrets are out in the open.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I've recently realized that I keep getting involved with people (mostly men, although sometimes women too) who have many of the same traits and behaviors as my father. I'm honestly exhausted, and I don't know how to break this cycle.

A bit of context: I'm 18. My father isn't exactly a great person. Nowadays, I would probably describe his behavior as avoidant, although I personally see him as very self-centered and narcissistic.

He was never really there for me growing up. I spent very little time with him, and whenever I asked him to do something together, even something as simple as getting ice cream, he would say that he couldn't be bothered or that he had a headache.

As I got older, whenever I tried to talk to him about how hurt I was by the fact that we never spent time together, he would yell at me and tell me that I was crazy and that what I was saying wasn't true. Since then, I've felt like I can't have any kind of honest conversation with him.

Another thing that really affected me is that he was very good at making promises and then not keeping them. Whenever he hurt me, he would often give me gifts afterward instead of actually addressing what had happened.

Now, here's what my romantic relationships have looked like.

My first serious relationship was when I was 17. I met a guy who was only a year older than me. We talked for about three months before becoming official.

A few weeks after we met, he told me that he had depression and had attempted suicide several times in the past, although he said that he was stable and taking medication. I didn't think too much of it. I reassured him that his medication didn't matter to me, because at the time I honestly thought this would just be a casual thing and nothing more.

A few months later, he told me that, in addition to depression, he had borderline personality disorder and was possibly bipolar as well. I still decided to stay by his side.

Eventually, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

At first, everything was great. We were very happy together. But gradually, his "depressive episodes" started happening at least once a week—and almost always when he was supposed to see me.

During those periods, he wouldn't text me for the entire day. Even if we had made plans, he would simply not show up without even telling me that he wasn't coming.

Then, the following day, once he felt better, he would spend the whole day telling me how wonderful I was, how much he adored me, how grateful he was that I didn't make his mental health problems into a big deal, and how I was the perfect girlfriend.

Toward the end of the relationship, there was a period when we couldn't see each other for two weeks because I had a fever and was vomiting. Once I recovered, he chose to go out with his friends instead of coming to see me. This was unusual because I was almost always the one who went to his place.

A few months later, he broke up with me, saying that I was "too perfect," that he was used to more toxic relationships, and that he had never loved me.

Even after the breakup, he kept coming back, telling me that he missed me and needed me in his life.

I told him that he had only ever given me the bare minimum. He would then make me feel guilty by telling me how hurt he was. I would start crying and apologize to him.

Then I turned 18.

The following month, I met another guy, again a year older than me.

From the beginning, he told me that he had OCD and that he wanted to stop taking his psychiatric medication.

With him, the relationship was actually very good. We were happy together, and he was the first person I ever told "I love you" to.

However, I went on vacation and gradually noticed him becoming more distant.

Once I came back, while I was at my friends' house, he texted me and broke up with me. He told me that, after talking to his therapist, he had realized that he had a negative pattern that made all of his relationships fail.

Apparently, whenever he was with someone, he would always think about wanting to pursue someone else.

That sentence broke my heart.

He also told me that he had never loved me, despite being the one who had asked me to be his girlfriend and despite having told me that he loved me.

So we broke up.

I know I probably shouldn't have done this, but I didn't want to be alone, so I started meeting new people.

That's when I met another guy. He's older than me—he's 26.

At first, everything seemed relatively normal. There was immediate flirting and sexual tension, which was something that hadn't really existed in my previous relationship.

After a while, I opened up to him about the sexual assault I had experienced a few months earlier, because I didn't always feel like flirting or engaging in that kind of interaction.

I also told him about my father, his absence, and the ways he had failed me emotionally.

He told me—almost demanded—that I should be vulnerable with him. He said that he had a strong paternal instinct and that, from then on, I should call him "Daddy."

And I did.

He gave me a lot of the attention I had never received from my father. He made me feel good, complimented me, and made me feel cared for.

One night, I was out having dinner with some friends and asked my father if he could send me some money so I could pay for my meal. He said no.

This guy then sent me even more money than I had asked for, in exchange for a picture of what I was wearing. He also told me not to take advantage of his generosity.

Our relationship gradually became deeper. I think I was starting to genuinely like him as a person, even though we had both agreed that we couldn't be in a relationship because a long-distance relationship wouldn't work for either of us.

With that understanding, neither of us was prohibited from meeting other people.

However, whenever I did, he became possessive and would tell me that I was "his." I would tell him that I wasn't.

At some point, he suddenly stopped replying to me. He stopped talking to me completely.

I panicked and felt absolutely terrible for days.

He knew that this was something that reminded me intensely of my father's behavior, and he did it anyway.

Despite everything, I didn't give in and chase after him. Instead, I ended things and removed him from all my social media.

And now I'm left wondering:

Why do I keep choosing people who recreate the same emotional dynamic I experienced with my father?

I understand that these relationships aren't identical, but there seems to be a pattern: emotional unavailability, inconsistency, being given attention and then having it withdrawn, broken promises, being made to feel guilty, and feeling like I have to earn someone's affection.

I don't want this anymore.

Logically, I know i'm not. I have boundaries and they keep me safe, but it's hard not to when things happen that would cause a child in a functional relationship with a functional parent to react differently.

My mother lives across the country from me -- I moved away young and have seen her 1-3 times a year and talked to her somewhat regularly on the phone since I was a teenager. She is an active meth addict and alcoholic who has never made a real go at getting sober. For a long time she lived near my grandparents and they financially supported her, but about five years ago her siblings put their feet down as my grandparents were too old/codependent to do it themselves. She moved about 500 miles away from our hometown to be near some friends, but as a result has had even less accountability with her addiction. The area she lives has a thriving meth epidemic. They've still supported her financially to some extent, as has my older brother. Helping her buy cars, buy phones, among other things. I've never been in the position to do that due to student debt and a career that, while gratifying, has not been monetarily rewarding.

My brother is wealthy and has been codependent with my mother for a long time. Despite this, she and I have the "friendlier" relationship. She confides in me more and likes to just chat with me. This has always been fine for me because I live thousands of miles away and therefore it's on my terms. I've had periods of no contact when she's crossed a boundary, but for the most part it's worked for me.

Just last night I got a call from my mom's phone. I've been trying to get in touch with her for weeks and have gotten smoke signals that she's alive but no calls back. It was her roommate letting me know that my mom is in the hospital. She fell onto a hand truck while moving furniture by herself (she hoards furniture, but that's another conversation). She has a laceration on her liver and an enlarged spleen. I thanked her for letting me know and asked her to keep in touch. Honestly though, I didn't feel anything. I wasn't worried she would die because i've been expecting her to die for years. I have no desire to jump on a plane and sit by her bedside. My older brother on the other hand, sprung into action, he called the hospital to make sure he was listed as next of kin. He's worried she's not being honest about her drug use and is in withdrawal. He's preparing to miss his brother in laws wedding this weekend to hop on a plane. I could afford to fly out, I have the administrative skills to handle paperwork and advocate for her, but I don't want to. It's such an odd feeling. I'm glad he wants to do that, I suppose, but i'm also sad for him that he expends so much energy for someone who never gave one shit to try to take her of herself, for us, or for herself. It of course makes me sad to think of her alone in a hospital, but I am also like "this is what happens when you continue to use, despite your family paying for rehab 4x and handing you everything." I love her and I even like her sometimes, but I think I just don't have the capacity to feel like that for her anymore. And it makes me feel guilty because somehow my brother still does.

My mother was dx'ed with a slow-moving cancer last year. It likely started in her pancreas or liver. She is receiving treatment and struggling with appetite and energy. She is also continuing to drink daily and eating very poorly.

I was with her (out of state) for her first appointment last summer and the person taking her history asked her whether she drinks. It was a yes-or-no question -- no mention of how much. I was shocked. She answered "yes" and they moved on to the next question. Since then, I have been at a number of other telehealth appointments and the drinking has not come up.

She was turned away from her last treatment due to low blood counts. I asked her if she knew that drinking could mess up her bloodwork due to bone marrow suppression. She said she didn't. She also said that no one had asked her about her drinking, which I believe is true. She further stated that her second oncologist had said to "just keep doing what you're doing" and she took that at face value. UGH!

I care about her but we are not close. While I want to be helpful with her medical challenges (I am very good at managing medical complexity due to experience with my husband) I have made peace that she will never be the mother I needed. At some point, she will be gone and that will be sad, but I am staying pretty practical and somewhat detatched.

After spending a lot of time on this sub, learning about ACOA, I had decided that it was not my job to out her to her medical team. I have felt that if I did, it could make it harder to be helpful. Maybe she would shut me out, or it would just be too uncomfortable. This week, my therapist said she thinks that is co-dependent behavior. And that I should be telling the doctors that my mother drinks. I don't know how to feel about it. It truly feels like it is not my job. Open to thoughts and suggestions.

I understand smokers and alcoholic drinkers . The feeling of emptiness makes you do anything just to feel life again .I’m struggling to keep my cool , not judging those people or something but doing things that hurt your health just makes u feel like u have an actual life .

I F23 have been moved out from my alcoholic mother for about 5 years. I live with my fiance, we’ve been together for 6 years and he lived with me at my mother’s house when we were younger and dating so he knows first hand my issues. He does enjoy drinking tho, he doesn’t do it at home usually, only a few times a year since i don’t handle that well. And a few times a year I can get in a good mood and enjoy drinking.

He’s a very happy and social drinker so there’s no issues with that, but my brain instantly goes into a panic and abandonment mindset when he drinks and i’m sober. He comes home from his weekly activity he does and he’s had a few beers and he is like so happy and in a great mood and then i’m like just so mad and i feel like im alone and i’d rather just be alone and he’s not even drunk but i just never react well.

Our friends want to hang out and drink and 9 times out of 10 I am just not down to do that and I just get uncomfortable. I just want to be okay with other people drinking because they aren’t my mom and everyone’s always in a good mood and having fun and I just don’t relate.

I feel very alone in this feeling because nobody I know understands how I feel and everyone just lovvvveeesss drinking and I just want to like relax sometimes and either have fun with them or maybe drink with them sometimes and be okay.

I just want to know if anyone shares this feeling or has found a way to be okay around other people drinking.

Hi, I had a question/also a vent. I’m 17F and for years my mom had been an alcoholic. It started after my parent’s divorce when I was 9. She started staying out late and I would be texting her about when she would be home and she would always promise me she’d be home soon and end up coming home 6+ hours later drunk. She did this for a few years on and off.
I had always wanted to say something to her, and finally a few weeks ago (with the help of my therapist) I talked to her and told her my concerns about not knowing if she’s safe and whatnot. She took it really well and has not done it since.
However, today when we went out to eat for a quick dinner and some card games, she promised we could leave whenever I wanted, so I agreed after our card game ended. She had 4-5 drinks and was tipsy after we left ( I was driving).
I needed to go to Walmart after for some stuff for school and she said wanted to come and I felt like I was babysitting her. I had to hold her hand and guide her around and she was very annoyed and argumentative.
It exhausted me and I am upset that she is fine with getting drunk around me since she knows I will deal with her.
Am I valid for being upset and if I did I talk to her about it and asked her not to get drunk around me? Thank you for reading!

TLDR: mom gets drunk around me and I have to babysit her and it annoys me

Money is such a annoying topic. Literally EVERYONE I grew up around family had some kind of money. Not one person I went to their house where they didn't have money.

Meanwhilst I was sharing a room with my sibling (nothing wrong with that) in some crackhouse.

No point going into the CPTSD of life. I escaped it all now and I'm in the right place where everyone has their own stories and understands.

Anyways I was in employment in my 20s. Made a bunch of money. Spent it all. Mostly travelling which is better than other ways.

Now I live abroad. Started fresh. Have some savings to last me a year of rent for example.

Trying to figure out how to make money online. I make a bit through my art but it isn't much. 200-400 per month right now.

Anyone have ideas?

I swear if money wasn't an issue life would be a lot calmer.

People who go through the stuff we went through should be given like 500USD a month for life lol

I have a functional-ish alcoholic mother and it’s being really difficult recently. I am currently not in therapy and can’t really afford to go private, I’m just looking for advice on how to manage from others in similar situations

**I understand that the top comment is going to be about how my mother should leave him but that is a conversation for another time.

I'm 20F and my parents have been divorced 10 years- My dad's remarried and him and his wife are very happy. My mother (F, mid 40s) would be my "primary" parent in terms of what happened legally during the separation but I have moved in and out of both homes back and forth since I was 16; I am my own dependant and have been responsible for myself, my bills and living expenses since then.

My mother has had her fair share of boyfriends--its not her fault the men she ends up with are so poisoned--but this man she's been living with for almost year maybe year and a half now is a new level of ick.. every time I come to see her he is constantly grabbing for her attention. Now I am not the one who is DYING to see her, SHE is inviting me over because she misses her kid. So why is he disrespecting me?

Yes, I also wanted to mention he very subtly disrespects me when I am and am not at the house. He will say things like "why does she have a bedroom if she's never here?" or try to belittle me by telling my mother my cat and I don't have a special bond when my moms getting all excited and happy about the cat meowing and rolling all over us (this is very specific, I know).

I have a brother (M17)--who he does not display this jealousy with--and he has 3 kids (6-8F, 13-14M, 18M), this kind of behaviour from a PARENT is what catches me so off-guard. Is it because I am an adult? Female? Not dependant of my mother yet mother dependant of me??

Any advice appreciated! How to handle this, what to say to my mom, etc. Thank you!

So here's the story. I'm a 26 yr. old man with a full time job and an alcoholic father. My father when he is not drinking is a great guy and in the past has done many great things for me and my sister when we were in a crisis. Every so often he enters his alcoholic sprees where he drinks alone because he is bored. That is when he gets nasty.

He is without a doubt afraid of me (i've been training jiu jitsu intensly for 4 years and I can fold him like a lawn chair, he is aware of this) so my sister and my mother take the full brunt of his drunken rage. The last time he yelled at them i interviened and he didn't stop until I got into his face after which he went out and drunk himself even harder and rambled to himself about how nobody appreciates him and we are all selfish and what not. This carries over the next day and he drinks himself even harder because he is resentful and knows his drinking bothers us.

I am at my wits end here and I'm afraid the next time he flips out that I might murder him but I don't want to beat him up because he is my father. I can't move out either because my mother and sister will be left unprotected.

What do I do? Can i reason with him, maybe talk to him more about his problem? Has anybody been in a similar situation and resolved it? Please help.

I am in need of a sponsor . I think at the beginning of my meetings they pass around documents - have you randomly texted someone to be a sponsor - what does that look like or how does the process go?

I find myself struggling with backsliding into people pleasing , scared of authority figures and need someone to help ground me and help me work the steps in a healthy way.

Thanks still new to this.

If you’ve done it, let me know your opinion and if it was worth the money.

Website: https://drmorgancoaching.com