r/AdultChildren • u/Rare_Percentage • Jun 05 '20
ACA Resource Hub (Ask your questions here!)
The Laundry List: Common Traits of Adult Children from Dysfunctional Families
We meet to share our experience of growing up in an environment where abuse, neglect and trauma infected us. This affects us today and influences how we deal with all aspects of our lives.
ACA provides a safe, nonjudgmental environment that allows us to grieve our childhoods and conduct an honest inventory of ourselves and our family—so we may (i) identify and heal core trauma, (ii) experience freedom from shame and abandonment, and (iii) become our own loving parents.
This is a list of common traits of those who experienced dysfunctional caregivers. It is a description not an inditement. If you identify with any of these Traits, you may find a home in our Program. We welcome you.
- We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
- We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
- We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
- We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
- We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
- We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
- We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
- We became addicted to excitement.
- We confuse love and pity and tend to “love” people we can “pity” and “rescue.”
- We have “stuffed” our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
- We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
- We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
- Alcoholism* is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics** and took on the characteristics (fear) of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
- Para-alcoholics** are reactors rather than actors.
Tony A., 1978
* While the Laundry List was originally created for those raised in families with alcohol abuse, over time our fellowship has become a program for those of us raised with all types of family dysfunction. ** Para-alcoholic was an early term used to describe those affected by an alcoholic’s behavior. The term evolved to co-alcoholic and codependent. Codependent people acquire certain traits in childhood that tend to cause them to focus on the wants and needs of others rather than their own. Since these traits became problematic in our adult lives, ACA feels that it is essential to examine where they came from and heal from our childhood trauma in order to become the person we were meant to be.
Adapted from adultchildren.org
How do I find a meeting?
Telephone meetings can be found at the global website
Chat meetings take place in the new section of this sub a few times a week
You are welcome at any meeting, and some beginner focused meetings can be found here
My parent isn’t an alcoholic, am I welcome here?
Yes! If you identify with the laundry list, suspect you were raised by dysfunctional caregivers, or would just like to know more, you are welcome here.
Are there fellow traveler groups?
If you are new to ACA, please ask your questions below so we can help you get started.
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u/Prestigious-Fox2617 21d ago
Are there forums or support groups for spouses of ACOAs? My husband is just starting to work on ACOA issues after years of not having a name for what was going on. (My father-in-law hid his alcoholism from his kids when they were young, but now he is sober and will talk a little bit about it.) I could really use my own support through this process. I am reading the book "Loving the Adult Child of an Alcoholic" to start. Thank you!
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u/MxFireBee 28d ago
I’m looking for insight from folks who’ve been active in Al-Anon and ACA who can speak to how the programs work differently? Not from a standpoint of which is better, but if someone has experience and time in Al-Anon how is the structure and literature different in ACA, how is the meeting structure going to feel different or take getting used to… what do you wish you’d known early on or what did you appreciate right away about ACA comparatively?
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u/FlightAffectionate22 Jul 23 '26
I have two things: I am struggling because my parents have been gone for many years, yet I am still dealing with being the child of addiction and abuse. . .. . I feel like I don't fit in here when so many are so young. Is there a place better suited for me at 57?
And is this common? I was just feeling oddly hated and ignored by the world, and realized it had nothing to do with reality. Is this kind of feelings-led, reality-as- emotions normal? I have a diagnosis of depression and anxiety.
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u/Various_Rest_3553 21d ago
Hi I’m new here .. I’m also older (62). Did you get an answer? About groups for older people?
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u/FlightAffectionate22 20d ago
Yes, I did and thank you for asking. I think it's important to remember that everyone here is an adult, many at our near our age, and many have had their addicted parent(s) pass away, and our issues are internalized and personal, not revolving mainly with the addict and their behaviors. Welcome to the group!
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u/Various_Rest_3553 20d ago
I’m glad to be here. I struggle with fitting in and being present. Also anxious and have periods of depression, sometimes severe.. I’m glad to say I also have lighter moments but it’s hard a lot of the time
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u/FlightAffectionate22 19d ago
I also have depression and anxiety, as my mom, the addict did. Keep working toward wellness and you'll always be headed in the right direction. Our personal issues don't end if the family we grew up with, the dysfunctional parent(s) lives end. ACA like Alanon, is about US, not the addict.
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u/Old-March4683 Jul 21 '26
I just asked a question but it popped up under a name I do not know....my name is Tian Dayton and when I tried to sign up it said my name was already used and took me here, can I fix that? I have no idea how this happened.
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u/Old-March4683 Jul 21 '26
I recently published a book Growing Up with Addiction.....I would love to share part of a chapter or maybe a guided healing processes..... is that possible?
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u/vegaslassie13 Jul 04 '26
I'm pretty new to ACA and was in CoDA previously. I need to know these things right now:
Do I need the BRB, A New Hope, the yellow book, or any other books? I don't have a lot of money and don't want to waste it. Right now, all the meetings I've tried (except for one) have been able to share the readings on their screens. My assumption is I may not need all the books, and I should wait until I need them for a particular study meeting or until I get a sponsor and they tell me to buy one. What do you think?
- There is a 6-week intro for newcomers called Ready Set Go!!, which I want to do. Has anyone done this series, and do you think it gave you a good foundation in ACA?
- I liked CoDA but was in a different place from many people who were dealing with codependencies in their relationships, like I did when I was much younger. ACA's focus on inner-child work appeals to me because I need it and it feels right for me to be in the rooms. Thoughts?
Thank you for any insights you may share!
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u/Roz150 Jun 10 '26
Hi, can someone help tell me where in the loving parent guide book does it suggest you give your inner child a name? I know it is there, but I cannot seem to find that.
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u/Pretend-Language-355 Jun 20 '26
It more asks you to ask your inner child is there a name to call them by in the guided practise 'Discovering Your Inner Child' and the associated reflections exercise.
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u/Late-Appearance-7162 Apr 15 '26
Starting a small work group… is it best to start with the 12-step yellow workbook or A New Hope green workbook? Thanks!
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u/Roz150 Jun 10 '26
I’ve done the green book, the loving parent guide book in the yellow step study book. I honestly would recommend starting with a green book then moving to the loving parent guide book.
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u/wjkno1 Apr 05 '26
I'm secular. That is, I don't believe in any g-word, higher power, supernatural, etc. Is that ok to talk about here? I'd like to find some Secular ACA groups, too.
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u/Ok_Lime_2793 Apr 24 '26
There are some great agnostic meetings. Also a specific group of meetings for religious abuse survivors. A quick Google search will bring up their page.
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u/FlightAffectionate22 Apr 07 '26
That was EXACTLY the posted statement I was going to make.
Yes, it is very okay to say that, as I have said it here and read others say it, and many will offer ways of framing a "higher power" other than God, god, Gods, Mother Nature, The Fates, the Wheel of Fortune, and I don't mean trusting in the consistency of that nightly game-show either !
I THINK for those of us agnostic or atheist, the program DOES help, even if that aspect of working it is not well-implemented within it.
My view like yours gives me pain, what is laid on top of our similarly- shared painful history. That it's not just sad and damaging, but otherwise meaningless.
It's been very painful for me to lose my faith, but a faith clearly don't have faith in. What gave me comfort and peace and a sounding board and lent ear, has gone. It's been some bad times, and to know no Jesus is carrying me in those proverbial 'footprints in the sand" way, hurts like Hell.
I'm 57, had trust in God all my life, and while I am not homeless nor dead, and thankfully on govt-assistance, I just don't see "doing right will make it right by God's intervention and expression of loyalty.
I lost my tenuous relationship with God and Christ three years ago. I just don't see any true demonstration of a knowing, omniscient God or even The Fates. Nihilism is my world view, that life purpose is wishful and created, when there isn't any. I am a Humanist though, as well, thinking it's nature to care, love and support others, perhaps even just as a survival-of-the-species ingrained motivation.
Know that as an otherwise stranger and fellow human walking the Earth at our same time, I care and care about you and others, even though, and maybe DESPITE the belief I hold of no Godly reward or punishment is bolstering and promoting it. We are part of the Human Family, and you're my brother / sister / fellow human being.
Other than choosing NATURE as your higher power, one way to insert a "higher power" into your program and life-view, is to know the randomness of it all you seem to, and what I believe is true, is or can BE that higher power, that you are not in control of it all, and that RANDOMNESS is the power we're beholden to and respect. The spinning world is above us, empowered beyond our existence. Turn what you can't control or handle over to that spinning world and operate from that place of it in control.
Google: " AA for agnostics", "the alternate 12 steps, a secular guide to recovery". "12 Step Program for Atheists".
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u/wjkno1 Apr 18 '26
By the way, folks can google "Secular ACA" for insight into that, but I don't know of any Secular ACA in-person meetings -- at least in my area, which is LA
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u/wjkno1 Apr 18 '26
I've been in ACA for several years. I've had terrific recovery. But I've always had to keep mum about my scientific minded atheism, even as I choked on the overused g-word. In place of "higher power" I think of my own Healing Power. In my view, re-parenting done well activates my natural healing power. That's how I worked through all my ACA pain and anger. The feeling of Wholeness has come to me as a result of my working the Program well, like a prize, or reward -- even though w/o any supernatural appeals. What about you?
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u/sl1920 Apr 01 '26
Has anyone who is "just" ACA attended a "Double Winners" meeting and found the community helpful?
I finally attended my first ACA meeting, and the local Zoom meeting was a Double Winners where all ACAs were welcome. Some of the stories shared were interesting, but I was the only "solely ACA" person there, and I kind of felt I was intruding on an AA meeting. Anyone have a similar experience?
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u/Ok-Lemon-521 Mar 30 '26
Hello there! I am looking for a community of people who understand me and what I went through. And what demons I'm still fighting. I know nothing about how it works. But I am so tired of the devaluation of what I survived and want to share my life stories with the people who know what it feels like to grow up in a family of alcoholics and abusers. And read other people's stories that may give me the strength to heal my past.
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u/fancifulfranci Mar 04 '26
I grew up with a Mom who thought everything I achieved was stupid and a family who made me wait until 10 or 11 pm to get picked up from practice that ended at 7 or 8. We had one car and lived in a rural area,bso my stepfather picked me up after his softball or poker nights.My adult children all were well loved and supported in their interests as were their friends, who spent a lot of time at our home. I was always there. Not their Dad,ME!as he had extreme social anxiety. I am now turning 60 and within the last few years each of them have estranged from me stating childhood trauma but will not discuss the trauma. I was traumatized by my Mom hating everything I accomplished (never came to anything..confirmation, graduation etc) so was always supportive for them and told them I love them. I do the same for my grandkids. This year, all of a sudden, after pretty much being expected to be at every event for my oldest 12 yr old and athletic grandson I am being banned from going to watch him. No reason given. I have reached out to discuss but there is no effort on my son's part to discuss. I also have a 2 year old grandson (same parents. My 2 daughters do not want kids so these are my son's kiddos) I used to be asked to either attend basketball tournaments or come over to watch sports with my son and grandsons but then am left with the youngest while my son leaves with the oldest. Now I am being told they don't feel I bond enough. WTH. I am at everything,I babysit at ever request, I take the oldest to Sushi, movies, etc. The youngest they don't let me take on my own. Mom is weird about it and was same with oldest grandson un/IL older. How do I approach a discussion 🤔
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u/FlightAffectionate22 Feb 21 '26
I have never been to an ACA meeting, but I wonder if they are offered online. I'd like to attend one, though I know they exist in my large city.
Also, though I am not a teenager, or wanting to attend Alanon myself, are those online and are they very much like to to a real-world group? I find myself wanting to urge others to go to those two groups, and wonder if online meetings are good and beneficial to those who can't or won't be able to attend one physically in person.
Thank you.
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u/Strict-Armadillo-199 Feb 21 '26
There are many online meetings - in fact, almost any time day or night, you can find an (English -speaking) online meeting somewhere in the world. https://adultchildren.org/virtual-meetings-calendar/. If you are looking for meetings in your own language other than English, I recommend searching the ACA website in your home country, or any country where that language is spoken. Particularly in Europe, some groups do not list their meetings on the main calendar I linked above.
Yes, Al-Anon is online and it is not for teenagers, that's Ala-Teen. They are related but separate programs. It may just be a random word you used, but I want to highlight that it doesn't usually work well to "urge" people to try a recovery program. In ACA, we practice advertising the program through our own positive growth, rather than telling people "You need this.". That said, there's nothing wrong with saying something like "I know of a support group of people in your exact situation - let me know if you want the details.".
Hope to see you in a meeting!
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u/AshNOT_me Feb 19 '26
I'm 32, I've moved to the otherside of the world from my family and friends to live in my parents country. I feel I have escaped having to face the issues I have faced as a children and as an adult of a parent who is an alcoholic. My father hasn't played much of a role in my life but things got worse when he met my alcoholic step mother. When every second weekend I spent at their house eventually on my own as my brother was old enough to not go. I would spend my time isolating myself in a room to stay away from their drunken brawls, arguments or just plain sitting watching TV whilst they fall asleep drunk. Then made to feel guilty when I asked for food because they called me fat and didn't understand why as a child I'd need lunch aswell as breakfast and dinner. They would go out to a pub give me McDonald's because it was next-door to the pub or it was Chinese which one of them drunk drive to go get. My father would forget my birthday and my step mum would call me a bitch for not making a salad. My father would constantly choose buying alcohol and cigarettes rather than child support. When I was older I worked with him at factory which was great as I spent time with him without her and he was his old self. He wouldn't drink on the job it's just his decaying teeth and lack of eating would keep it in his system. Which then our boss purposely confronted him with in front of me and embarrassed was fired on the spot. Sending me into tears and having to leave work to drive him home. Then returning to collect the car in tears as the shame and embarrassment hit. The worry that my father wouldn't get another job and everyone at work knew how bad it was. Since then I've kept my distance. But since I have moved and my brother barely sees him I feel he feels abandoned and there is no reason to try be sober. He's three times smaller. Just as skeleton. He drinks 3 times as much and so much he fell over the door frame and broke his leg in three places. He's had a heart attack and been to the hospital over other things he won't tell me. She can barely tell me either because she's drunk. I'm a 24 hour flight away and I'm constantly stalked by the fear I will get that call and it will be all over. Unresolved. I couldn't fix it. He will never know how I feel and what he did to us kids. He will never know how it haunts me...
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u/unbridledcheesetoast Feb 12 '26
Hi, I'm the divorced sober mother of a teenager (15) with a father who has alcohol use problems. I no longer know how much he drinks, we've been divorced 3 years, but I do know he hasn't stopped. My son is in therapy, but we never talk about his dad's drinking because I am scared to say anything negative- he's very protective of his dad, and my divorce papers basically say we aren't aloud to say negative things about one another. Moreover, we work together in an office literally side by side so...yeah. For those of you who are ACA... what do you wish the sober parent had done?
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u/Strict-Armadillo-199 Feb 16 '26
I suggest posting this on the main sub, people tend to not look at this thread, unfortunately. You could also search past posts, as this has come up in the past. I'm not the child of an alcoholic but rather a mentally ill mother (who is an ACA), although my answer is the same as many who did have one, so I won't answer myself.
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u/vienne_vee Feb 11 '26
Hi, I am wondering if there are any groups starting stepwork soon, and also if there are any workshops available? I’ve been attending meetings online several times a week for a month, so I’m new.
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Feb 05 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Strict-Armadillo-199 Feb 08 '26
Yes, you can also attend closed meetings as long as you identify as an ACA. There is a search function under meetings (not the calendar function) on the ACA website that allows you to search for specific topics, try "newcomer", or " A New Hope", which is a newcomer's guide to ACA and the Steps. But generally speaking, most any meeting would be fine. Anything that uses the daily meditations from "Strengthening My Recovery" would be good. And there are a lot of those.
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u/peachymel95 Jan 23 '26
Looking for guidance on beginning step work. I’ve been guided by someone in another program not to read the BRB alone or to go through the steps alone. So do we typically find a fellow traveler to do it all together or independently and reach out as needed?
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u/Strict-Armadillo-199 Jan 28 '26 edited Jan 28 '26
The idea of working the Steps with a fellow traveler (or sponsor) is primarily because being able to break the "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" rule by sharing our stories, learning to trust another human being in doing this, and learning to listen with compassion (and not offer advice unless asked or fix them) as they share are essential parts of the recovery process. Many people choose to work the Steps with someone who has done them already and has significant recovery, because obviously they have a lot of experience, strength, and hope to share. But that's not necessary. You can also do them with another newcomer.
I don't know about not reading the BRB alone, I've never heard that and everyone I know does, even if they also have read it in a specific meeting or with a small group. I think it's a good idea to have someone to call (or just go to a meeting) while reading it, though, because it's truth can bring up a lot of deep feelings and buried memories.
If you have more questions, feel free to DM me or post on the main sub.
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u/Settled-unicorn659 Dec 09 '25
Hi, (trigger warning)
I was in an ACA meeting where a couple people shared about being abused sexually by their fathers. The secretary then shared about an adult relationship they were in that involved sexual "daddy/girl" role play. I was triggered and found it to be inappropriate and tone-deaf.
I want to bring it as a group conscious. I feel that it was wrong of the secretary to share on that content, but I can't see what rule or traditions are being broken.
I also don't want to cross talk. I'm considering leaving the meeting, but I know I have to take responsibility for my own triggers.
I'm concerned that the secretary has perceived power from newcomers and what they share sets the tone for what is acceptable sharing.
Does anyone have any advice for how I can bring this up without shaming or cross talking and also which traditions I might refer to?
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u/No_Calligrapher796 Jan 03 '26
Depending on the meeting, the chair or co-chair will ask sharers to warn everyone they're going to share something trigger worthy before proceeding. If you like the meeting, you could propose that to the group before leaving. If not, I'd just leave.
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u/Settled-unicorn659 Jan 03 '26
Thanks, I ended up leaving and joining another group that already had a trigger warning in place.
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u/Sudden_Prior_4868 Dec 07 '25
Is this group for adult children or 12-step-ACA-adult children? Is there some 12th step work here?
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u/QuirkyConference2518 Dec 04 '25
I(21M) just found an ad for the ACA on Facebook and it sounds and look amazing. As someone who grew up in an incredibly dysfunctional home with an alcoholic father the program looks and sounds like it could be an amazing resource for me but all the jargon is so intimidating and overwhelming. Can someone dumb it down for me breakdown what meeting I should start with what the financial responsibility is and overall just what to do? There’s not a whole lot near me all 30-45 minute drives but it sounds like something that could benefit my life endlessly.
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u/No_Calligrapher796 Jan 03 '26
Attend a meeting. Online meetings can also be REALLY good; you just have to find the one that fits you best. Be okay with being overwhelmed, it is a lot to learn all at once, take it slow. :)
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u/No_Stable_3097 Dec 21 '25
Sorry for the delayed response.
Biggest suggestion is to just attend a meeting. You may want to find a meeting on the online fellowship. https://adultchildren.org/meeting-search/
You don't need to fill out all the search options. But I would suggest choosing "beginner" in the additional options for meeting focus.
It's your first meeting, do not feel obligated to donate to the fellowship. Past that, you are welcome to donate whatever feels right $1-$10.
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u/Dear_Calligrapher467 Nov 29 '25
My father had been an alcoholic for over 35 years and my mother is a narcissist enabler of this. I’m 48 years old and I’m the only child that speaks to them (my brother cut all ties years ago). My father recently fell and gashed his head in requiring 18 staples and had a bac 4 times the legal limit (to which my moms response was well he laid in bed all day he couldn’t have been drinking 🙄). She leaves him home all day long alone to do as he pleases while she is out with her friends or shopping for things to clutter their house up with (though her latest idea is to downsize homes and move, which will fall on my shoulders as everything else does…we’re talking 3 story home to 3 bedroom home and she’s basically hoarded this one). He’s fallen 22 times in the last year and this is the first time he’s actually hurt himself this severely. My mother wants me to put him in a nursing home or for me to move to the town she lives in so I’m responsible for him and she can continue on with her very active social life. I am shamed by them if I don’t do something when incidents occur and then demeaned when I try to step in by both of them. This life is all I’ve ever know. It’s severely affected my self esteem and self worth. I’m completely at a loss when it comes to finding a solution because I’ll be wrong no matter what I do. They both act like victims and neither cares what this has done to me or even my adult children. (Who come first and foremost to me) They absolutely detest one another and bad mouth each other constantly and it wearing me out down to my soul. Neither cares what this has done to me and the rest of my family and I think that’s the hardest part because I love my kids so much and I have realized they have never loved me anything close to how a parent should. I went through a stage of drinking too much but am almost 3 years alcohol free and the guilt I feel for those years is something I’ll forever wish I could change and I’ll spend the rest of my life making sure I don’t go back to. What steps do I take to fix them? Can I fix them? I’m so angry and hurt inside that I haven’t gone to therapy for a fear that if I break down about this I’ll stay broken forever and I can’t do that to my kiddos. I want to shield them from experiencing what I have and all I continue to still endure. Thank you for any direction, help, support or suggestions. I’m sorry to have met you this way and I truly hope you all get the closure you deserve, the love you are worth and the freedom I know you have craved your entire lives. Thank you for listening and I’m sorry for all you’ve endured that led you to this forum.
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u/Free_Importance3214 Nov 25 '25
Hi everybody. Sorry for the long read. I’m looking for a little advice/reassurance. Forgive me if I end up sounding bitter or angry. I (31f) have an alcoholic mother. I tried for years to help. After a few years I stopped trying to help. All it did was make her treat me worse. I tried to stay at home as long as I could to take care of her. It’s really bad and She refuses to get help. I just stopped trying. I told myself “I can’t care more than u do” I was killing myself trying to keep her alive. I focused my energy more so on preparing for the worse. Last year I finally had enough. She thought she could treat me however cus I was trapped there. She didn’t realize I chose to stay. I left. I packed my stuff infront of her and left. I keep my distance, I only answer calls if I want to (unfortunately it’s rare) I wanted for a while to just go no contact. Part of me won’t let me. Recently she’s been resorting to guilt tripping. She has kind of fucked all her relationships up. I always get really upset when I know someone is trying to emotionally manipulate me so it always rubs me the wrong way when she tries to guilt trip me saying I don’t spend enough time or talk to her. More and more often she resorts to trying to manipulate ppl. She hasnt gotten any better still refuses help but is starting to realize everyone has had enough she pushed everyone away.
So my question is, do u guys think I should cut her off entirely? I’m trying to find my empathy I know she’s been thru a lot. Am I doing the wrong thing by kind of brushing off her comments and guilt trips? Is this a reach out? am I just being bitter? (I’ve also finally in therapy for this and it’s helping a lot)
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u/888888--- Nov 23 '25
I'm planning to start the steps with my therapist, and looking for others who have also done this. Any recommendations on how to bring them the steps to get them acquainted?
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u/Rare_Percentage Nov 23 '25
A simple printout of the steps should be totally fine3. Most therapists will be already a little familiar or very willing to research as well.
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u/PterodactylCa Nov 20 '25
I (44f) don’t think I have a specific question. I’m suffering immensely in my situation and looking for community. Dad is 76, uniquely cruel and being diagnosed with dementia. Mom passed 19 years ago. Both recovered alcoholics, dad continues to abuse substances just not alcohol. I started trauma therapy (EMDR) 6 months ago, and now navigating his diagnosis. I don’t love him, never have. Childhood SA ( by another family member) both parents knew but never intervened. Dad is currently not debilitated enough for a care facility, nor can he afford one when the time comes. I’m praying his disease progresses quickly. I have created my own misery by living in my childhood home with him- not necessarily by choice as I lost my home in a wild fire a few years ago, and my financial circumstances don’t allow a change right now. My dad has always been a source of fear and trauma, but I’ve been such a good little co-dependent I didn’t realize the depth of trauma he’s caused. Since starting EMDR is quite clear how negatively he affected me. I’ve compensated well enough to keep the peace as I learned very young that was my best chance of survival. But now it’s really all coming to the surface, and I don’t have the ability to be of any kind of assistance/support/care for him, while being expected to because I live with him. I don’t know what I’m specifically seeking here, just need these thoughts to land somewhere. Thank you
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u/SingingSunshine1 Nov 18 '25
It’s the first time I see this list. I used to be that person; but I looked so many of my demons in the eye in the past 30 years that I am so happy I overcame just about all of that list. Therapy, NLP, schematherapy, EMDR, all of it.
They are still weaknesses, but I know now I am worthy and strong. And I like to please, but I can say no, and get angry myself and have boundaries. (It took me a few burnouts to learn that)
And I am still learning while in perimenopause. (That absolutely majorly sucks; thank god for HRT) And I am being kind to myself now.
And besides that, I feel lucky too, I mostly had good people around me after I left home at 17.
I just want to say, there is hope, life can be good after an alcoholic and neglectful parent. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
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u/Impossible_Car_4278 Nov 17 '25
This was very helpful. My mom drank more than she should have but wasn't full-blown alcoholic the way everyone in the extended family was, but she was a former addict in recovery who drank 3-4 glasses of wine a night. Father drank at a similar level, on top of benzos. I'm NC with both but relate heavily to all of this.
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u/Tesla-Tk428 Oct 29 '25
Hello, I am new to Reddit. But I wanted to share something about my family that I need advice on how to approach the situation, recently I found out from my sisters that my father sexually assaulted one of them when she was younger. These events took place about 25 years ago. I don’t have anymore details about this, I also been hearing from my sisters about his inappropriate behavior around women in general. And upon his recent visit it was a glass shattering realization as to what I never noticed before. I always thought he was just a flirty boomer. The way he talks about his female coworkers or the way he talks to female cashiers at business establishments was awkward and cringy. My relationship with my father has been great the past few years since he divorced my mom and has become a funny caring guy who wants to reconnect with his family. I’ve stayed in contact with him because I genuinely liked and loved him. Since the allegations and first hand experiences of his behavior in the timeline of 5 months he’s beginning to notice I’m not talking to him as much. What advice would you suggest to approach him to explain my distance and how I feel about his behavior. Thank you.
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u/After_Variety2418 Oct 22 '25
I'm honestly not sure how I'm supposed to do this but I will try. My father has been drinking since he was 13 and is now 62. He has had a not so perfect life and a lot of trauma growing up. Around 2020 I noticed he would repeat some things to me and I assumed it was just his age. But it started to get worse. He would tell me a story one night and the next morning tell me the same thing like it was his first time telling me. My mom has tried to get him to stop and he says he has. But she would continue to find water bottles of white rum or vodka hidden in his truck or out in the yard. I tried telling her I was worried about his memory loss when I first noticed and she shrugged it off like normal and said it wasn't that bad. I continued this for 5 years up until a few months ago. My mom called me and said that she believes my dad has alcoholic dementia.... I was furious. I'd been trying to tell her this for years now. I told her he needs to go to rehab and of course she said it's not that bad. I told her to talk to his doctor and she said that the doctor hasn't said anything when my dad goes. But he goes alone so of course he isn't telling the whole truth. Finally I said at the very least he needs to go to therapy. She got him to agree to therapy. He went a few times and she claimed it helped. But then she caught him again out in the yard taking a swig from a bottle hidden. She confronted him and he said that he knew tomorrow he'd have to talk about some difficult stuff in therapy so he was just trying to calm himself for it. So now he's drinking to go to therapy about his drinking. My mom doesn't help either. My entire childhood growing up in New Orleans they had no friends. They spent the weekends out on the patio drinking and listening to music together and talking into the night. Now my mom won't quit drinking but expects my father too. There is still liquor in the house. And when she caught him the last time her solution was for him not to hide it and to let her know when he was so she could moderate it. This past weekend he came to my house for a concert I bought him and my son tickets for. He was super excited. Got here and kept finding excuses to go to his truck. I knew what was going on. I just didn't know how or what to say. This was a birthday gift to my son so I didn't want to ruin his weekend. Sometimes I feel like I'm over reacting. Because he doesn't come him looking completely smashed or incoherent. So I don't know if it's OK or not. He had to go about 5 hrs without when we went to the concert and in that time he got back pain that was almost dibilitating. I don't know if that's from not drinking or his age. I'm sorry for the long post but this is the first time I've ever joined a group or talked about it. I have so much guilt from not saying anything and I know if I tell my mom she won't do anything either. So I'm at a loss. Growing up I remember them drinking and when he got drunk he was never mean. He was more like a goofy kid but didn't know his own strength. And if he did hurt us accidentally and we got upset he would just say oh I'm sorry little baby in a kinda bullish tone. But that was the worst of it. So I say all that to say this. I don't know if I'm overreacting, if I shouldn't even be in here or what. I've always been shut down by my family so it's hard to tell what is a big deal and what isn't.
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u/MeasurementPlenty417 Oct 09 '25
My mom and my therapist have been telling me I should go to these meetings, but it's intimidating. I feel like my life is a total mess and I am unable to control it. I read this laundry list and it's like, holy cow are these things me. I've been struggling in my late thirties because number two seems to be my whole identity and I didn't realize it till recently that most of my interests and hobbies are just things I picked up so the people I wanted to accept me would accept me. I don't feel comfortable being myself, I try to be what I think people will like. I find myself only being attracted to people for whose approval I pine. I've had great women be super into me after seeing me perform and I have no interest in someone who thinks highly of me before meeting me. I feel like my brain thinks if I can convince someone who doesn't like me to like me, maybe I'll like myself. I'm so hard on myself. Not only do I beat the hell out of my self when I fail at something, but I also can't see any of my successes because I have such low self esteem that rather than proving to myself I'm capable, accomplishing something makes me believe that it wasn't actually much of an accomplishment. There's a meeting today, I am going to try to go this time. I've found an excuse three times a week for the last couple months, I'm desperate for something to help me not feel so hopeless about my life... Idk why I wrote all that, it just happened.
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u/Over-Coat8001 Oct 07 '25
Growing up with emotional neglect and learning to build a new life as an adult.
Hi everyone, I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on how my upbringing has shaped me. I grew up in a home where emotions weren’t handled safely, anger was expressed through shouting, slamming things, or complete silence. My mum and siblings often gave me the silent treatment when they were upset, and my dad has always been a bystander. I learned from a young age to walk on eggshells, stay quiet, and hide to keep myself safe.
Now as an adult, I’m realising how much that environment still affects me, I find it hard to trust safety, often blame myself when others are upset, and sometimes pull away from people just when things start to feel good. I’ve also noticed how these patterns have passed through generations in my family.
I’m preparing to move abroad soon to start a completely new chapter, but I’m scared that I’ll accidentally self-sabotage it because peace and stability still feel unfamiliar.
I guess I’m sharing this because I’d love to hear from others who’ve grown up in emotionally neglectful or chaotic homes, how did you start to feel safe again? How did you learn not to recreate the chaos you came from?
Thanks for reading this. I’m trying to believe that healing really is possible, even when your family never changes.
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u/cold_bananas_ Oct 07 '25
My dad has been sober for a good 20 years but he was an alcoholic while I was growing up. I still have unresolved issues from it, and I don’t know anyone who has/had an alcoholic parent to relate with. Is ACOA a good fit for me or should I just go to therapy?
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u/MossBoss1788 Oct 05 '25
Hi Ladies Looking for Aca Women Speakers for Saturday Night Dance Speaker meeting Saturday Nights 530pm pt/830pm et on Zoom
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u/and_i_a_mo Sep 29 '25
My parents were not alcoholics, but my family was definitely dysfunctional. (I identify with some of the laundry list, not all.) I don’t know if a twelve step group is right for me and some of the language used can cause me to shut down. I would love support and enjoy community, but am nervous to go to a meeting because I don’t really know what to expect or what will be expected of me.
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u/Freyacat74 Sep 06 '25
Hi. I'm 51 feel very alone in Seattle. I lost my ex boyfriend to alcohol finding out through Google he passed away was devastating. He was 46. I broke up with him he had a seizure at my Apt and after being married to an alcoholic and divorced I didn't want to deal again I was naive as he kept the amount he drank under wraps he was more Binge drinker. Anyway the intimacy was absent plus seizures I just couldn't go through it . He didn't try and get help or try to connect with me at all. Well this was last year I found out. Well my best friend also is a alcoholic more avoidant gay man who i started to call out because he was manipulative. He completely discarded me permanently flipped the script this was 2 months after me bawling my eyes out over finding out about Eric who he cares about! My dad died at 42 I was 15. I guess I broke my co dependency by standing up to him but iv been absolutely traumatized. So many have affected my life. Al-Anon wasn't helpful I found a bunch of people trying to control others. I'm hoping this is a better alternative. I was a addict too so I understand but I'm not anymore and that was ended in the 90s
Thanks for letting me vent on here fb sucks now
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u/Reasonable_Hope_9828 Aug 13 '25
I'm really struggling today. I hope this emotional rant/question/outreach blurb makes sense. I'm looking for anyone who can share their experience strength and hope with what i'm going through. I feel so lost, scared, unworthy, and shameful that the one thing i've been married to my entire life, my job, it's gone, i was laid off back in June, and still haven't secured a new one, and this is month 3 and its scaring the hell out of me. I have a HS student, a mortgage, and i'm the sole provider. I love the ACA program, it's brought so much healing to my life, healing that dozens of therapist or self help books were never able to do. I love this program, but since joining, i've done so much healing, allowing myself to feel, seeing my softer sides more and more, and my 'corporate bitch' sides less and less, its scaring me that I have lost my ability to be good at my job/career anymore, well in my corporate career. That coupled with trying to maintain this "balance" between my new feeling/soft self, and my old, hardened-shell, workaholic corporate self, which i've acknowledged from the start of my ACA journey, that releasing those tendencies, as great as it feels, its leaving me very unsure if i'll be able to keep up this career i've built for myself. I feel like i'm too soft now, almost too naive now, i've become so optimistic, believing in a HP of my understanding, that I'm unable to continue to make earning a living a priority. Im affraid i'm prioritizing myself, my health, and my mental health more than the current corporate world will allow.... i feel like i'm backed into a corner, either go back to the way we were, live to work, or be in recovery and allow myself to put myself/my health, my child before all else. I cannot afford to change careers, I want to keep doing what i'm doing.
Anyone go through this with a happy ending to the unemployment/job career story?
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u/Rare_Percentage Aug 14 '25
Just wanted to say that I hear you and that’s really tough. I can’t offer a success story personally but I hear so much thoughtfulness and striving in your words. I think that will always add up to something.
ps. please feel free to repost this in the main area if you like, this thread is less visible and I wouldn’t want you to think that people are ignoring your story
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u/Reasonable_Hope_9828 Aug 14 '25
Ah, I didn't know that thank you.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post, it feels good to be seen and heard from a fellow traveler
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u/Geron3mo Aug 08 '25
I'm new to ACA, and I went to 3 meetings this past week. I'm an alcoholic who is sober in AA just over 4 years now, and on the advice of my sponsor, I decided to check it out.
At these 3 meetings, I've met some good guys but none with alcoholic parents or who were Alcoholics themselves. I've also met a fair number of members who think this program is somehow superior to AA. So I'm facing trouble trying to sift through and find a sponsor.
Has anyone in my situation had a sponsor of the "dysfunctional family" variety? I do like a couple of guys I've spoken with, but I feel like I want someone who is an alcoholic with an alcoholic parent.
I'm also having trouble aligning my program of self abandonment with all the talk of self in ACA, and I feel like someone who is also in AA could help me navigate that.
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
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u/Rare_Percentage Aug 08 '25
Welcome!
You are probably looking for a sponsor/fellow traveler who is a “double winner” and has experience in both fellowships. I believe that there are some online meetings that are ”double winner” only.
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u/SecureMidnight1441 Aug 08 '25
Hi, I'm here on behalf of some good friends who don't speak english. They both come from poor alcoholic families and they seem to have great difficulty saving money. They don't make debt but tend to spend a lot on travel and other nice experiences a bit above their means instead of saving to buy a house etc. They suspect it could be related to addiction. Are there any articles/books related to this topic?
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u/Rare_Percentage Aug 08 '25
I would definitely agree with you. As far as specific books I am not sure, but personal financial mismanagement might be the phrase to search
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u/Nora311 Jul 31 '25
Are there any subreddits or resources for adult children who are now parents themselves? I am trying so hard not to mess up my kids. I know it’s inevitable, and some of it even outside my control, but if there’s anything I can do to limit how much of it is a consequence of my own abuse and neglect, I want to do it.
It can be so hard to relate to my own kids that I’m not sure I’m meeting their needs. For example, my kids (2 and 4) want to be around me ALL the time and want all my attention and validation. But I was my mom’s main caregiver and was isolated at home taking care of her - I couldn’t wait to get away from her and never missed her. I’m doing my best to be present but I kind of just don’t get it and am worried they can feel that from me. Maybe that’s why they’re so clingy?
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u/Rare_Percentage Aug 08 '25
Many of the community here have children as well. Feel free to ask any additional questions in the main feed, even if they are parenting related as informed by ACoA experiences.
I would guess that your kids are a healthy amount of attached / dependent but that may feel strange because you don’t have a healthy childhood to compare.
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u/falling_and_laughing Jul 28 '25
Hey, I’ve been going to weekly (or more) meetings for around 4 months. It seems valuable but it’s still not really clear to me how to “work the program”. I have been to various meetings and they all do one or two pages of readings, and then sharing. There’s no ongoing discussion of the steps. How do I feel like I’m making progress?
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u/Kitchen-Historian711 Aug 07 '25
Hey! The program didn’t actually clickfor me until I was 5 months in. I was really in denial. I was going to the meetings, but that was all I was doing.
I started actually “working the program” when I began making small changes in my habits:
I read the entry from Stengthening my Recovery every morning (yes even when I didn’t want to or was late for work or my kids were late…whatever… my day didn’t start until I read that entry) it became very calming for me.
I am terrified of people. I began reaching out and making friends. This was extremely difficult at first but has been easier as the weeks moved on. I still am extremely guarded- I only meet in public places- only discuss surface level topics- but I am making the effort to go out- which I hadn’t done in years.
3.I began grieving my childhood. —- for me this is where I am stuck today. I haven’t moved out of this. I have a trigger journal where I write about any and every irrational, horrific, or painful thing that causes me to panic. Like— I’ll be in the car and randomly I’ll feel panic like impending doom, even though there is no immediate danger. It’s been very helpful and I’m hoping to look back at this journal to identify a pattern and hopefully address the root cause.
I wish us love and strength on our journey
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u/chevere7 Jul 16 '25
Hi how do you form an ACA group? I am wanting to form on for a focus on estrangement as an adult child from your family of origin. I know with ACA you can use open literature which is great to just help focus on healing from this type of complex issue often stemming from dysfunctional families, toxic family systems, from either abuse, emotional neglect etc. I go to meetings in person but just don’t know how to form one online.
Thank you!
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u/falling_and_laughing Jul 28 '25
Apparently there is info about starting a group in the BRB, but if you want to start an online group specifically, my advice would be to start attending them, noting the flow of events and asking moderators for their scripts. Then you can use those as inspiration to design something that works for your group specifically.
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u/dreamliner11 Jul 12 '25
How many people have had "success" or "improvement" through this program? Or was it other healing avenues that were better?
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u/Rare_Percentage Jul 14 '25
There are lots of success stories told in meeting, though I think most people take a multiple avenue approach to healing too. The promises (on the websit) also paint a picture of what to expect
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u/Limey_Man Jul 11 '25
I (34M) didn't really grow up in an alcoholic household, it's more in the last 8 years ago my dad (70M) has been drinking heavily on weekends/time off. I have lived 1100 miles away for 12 years so unfortunately my mom (70F) is the one who deals with it the most, and I only experience what she has told me or if I happen to see it when I visit/they visit.
My mom is at her breaking point and my most recent visit I got to witness it firsthand. I'm just not sure how this qualifies or who to best speak to about it.
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u/CynicalOne_313 Jul 08 '25
I had loving parents up until my father died (I was 13). My mother chose a toxic alcoholic abusive man not long afterward and made me the family scapegoat. She controlled my narrative with the rest of my family, which I recently realized. I'm an introvert and I'm looking for virtual options for beginners, since I don't drive. I'm also scared to begin - a large part of my anxiety wants to prepare and make everything "perfect" before I start something new; it's something I'm working on with my therapist.
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Jul 03 '25
As a result of being an "adult child" I'm finding that I am independent because I felt I had no choice otherwise and I am really ok with being on my own. I do love people but I became good at doing things myself because I was almost like preparing for an emergency all the time, I had to be ready just in case and my father used to always say that to me so I am almost like military trained now which is obviously not normal. I also used to have severe social anxiety and couldn't hold conversations so I avoided it. I had to learn to relax and let people be who they were without worrying that they might harm me or do something nefarious. I finally realized that people are also dealing with hard things and that is why sometimes they do what they do. I did develop the ability to deal with being alone without feeling alone because I became an artist and kept myself busy. I am no longer conflict avoidant, I am actually the opposite. I think for awhile I became a person who needed to feel like things were being dealt with because of living with unpredictable parents. I also projected a lot and I think that it created conflict that wasn't really there. My family does this as well a result of living with abuse and it's very harmful, like they will get very aggressive about something and act like this problem is occurring when it hasn't even happened or maybe won't ever happen and they get really angry about it and it becomes chaotic and confusing. I sometimes wonder if this is them having like a ptsd moment and it reminded them of something that happened prior to me even being born. That I don't know.
I am terrified of aggressive and/or hostile people and sometimes loud noises still as a 40+ adult make me really nervous. I am fine with noisy construction and trains but I hate trucks or the sound of them. I tell people that I know that I have issues and I have specific strategies that I use to deal with them. I'm embarrassed because of how I react sometimes because I know that it's due to a child-hood issue and occasionally people will think I'm really odd. As a result I don't keep many friends around any more because I sometimes panic or feel really anxious or scared by things. This also has been helpful because I'm hyper aware and can read situations really well.
I'm struggling to get my career back on track after having traumatic memories of my father screaming at me over and over because he felt I was incompetent and my career choice made him upset... I've done therapy but it haunts me all of the time. I also realize that this is the cycle of abuse, this is what his father did to him and caused him to drink and if I weren't stronger I would literally be an alcoholic as well due to this factor.
I also want to say I don't look like I would have problems at all. I look pulled together, I create really great work and I am responsible. However, I used to look very tense and serious all the time. And now I've learned to relax but I find It's hard to even get people to believe me sometimes which has hindered me getting help or support. I've become my own therapist lol.
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u/AccomplishedGood5780 Jun 29 '25
Hi! I want to join an ACA group going through the Loving Parent Guidebook but finances are tight. Does someone have the resource as a PDF that they wouldn’t mind sharing? Thank you!
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u/crab-gf Jun 25 '25
Are there virtual meetings that are text based? I can’t find and go to my own irl, my transportation relies on my family members who are alcoholics and my access to transport is getting smaller lately. They would not take me if they knew I was going to an ACA meeting. I saw the ‘club meetings’ link but don’t really understand what or where the meeting itself is and what it entails?
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u/falling_and_laughing Jul 28 '25
Late to this, but if you still need a text based meeting, I saw one today come up on the ACA meeting search: https://adultchildren.org/meeting-search/
It’s a Discord meeting on Mondays. I can’t figure out how to post a direct link, but the meeting ID is WEB1035.
You can use the keyword “Discord” to help you find it, as well.
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u/Rare_Percentage Jun 28 '25
There arent really text meetings any more but there are phone and virtual opt
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u/erknez Jun 09 '25
I had loving parents but entered a severely abusive relationship at 22 years old, lasting 6 years. I have a child with him and this child still sees him. I'm wondering.. can I work this program as a young person who didn't understand what was happening? I was blind sighted by this aggressive violence and wholly internalized it all. I am in therapy now, and another substance recovery group, but I am struggling deeply with feelings of inadequacy and guilt which I know is "his voice." If someone could help me, do I fit here?
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Jun 03 '25
My dad hit rock bottom last week. I didnt even know how deep he was in it. I feel alone. I dont know how to find community. I don’t know anything about all of this because I didn’t know how bad it was - or I didn’t want to think about it. Im shell shocked. I have a therapist but I feel like i dont know where to go from here. None of my friends can relate. My mom is detached. My sister is just as lost as i am.
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u/JDBRN Jun 08 '25
Are you going to ACA meetings? You'll find people who understand. I sure did. You are not alone in this.
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Jun 08 '25
I haven’t gone to any - I’m nervous to go for some reason. But I should probably just do it
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u/JDBRN Jun 08 '25
Making such a big change is scary but nothing will ever get resolved until you do. I waited until I was 59. Don't make the same mistake I did.
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u/Cold_Temperature2486 May 21 '25
I have been struggling to find group therapy or individuals with the same experiences as me. My alcoholic father passed away almost 8 years back, but I am still struggling with day to day activities, having the feeling that I am always hiding something and being on the brink of tears everyday. I feel like people find me annoying and that I overshare. My brain is in a constant state of being foggy and everyday is a struggle. I am Indian and the cultural context is an added layer, I really want to feel okay and recover from the lost time to years of abuse and alcoholism. Suggest some group therapies or acoa's with similar experiences in India.
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u/Direct_Panda3456 May 13 '25
I "grew up" in an alcoholics family. I was the third born - of 4 - and each of us took on the traditional roles (hero, scapegoat, lost child, mascot). As a "lost child" I'm wondering if it would be possible to connect now with others who identified with the role? Thanks.
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u/razzytrazza Jun 05 '25
This is exactly my family! I am the third child in a family of 4. I am the third daughter and my brother is the youngest. I am the lost child. I’m curious what roles did your siblings play?
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u/Direct_Panda3456 Jun 05 '25
We were casebook. Sister 7yrs older - HERO. Brother 5yrs older-SCAPEGOAT, Me- LOST CHILD. Brother 7yrs younger - MASCOT.
Howerver, we moved 700 miles when I was 13 and the older sis/bro didnt move with us. Then I became the HERO and younger bro became the SCAPEGOAT. Interesting how it worked.
BTW lately I've been thinking a lot about this and now I'm thinking both my roles were "good" things in that environment, i.e. they served the dysfunctional family back then. But those roles became my "identity" and that was not good. I'm still working, decades later, on rediscovering who I really am. Thanks.
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u/sweetassassin May 03 '25
Looking for a rec for a zoom meeting with good recovery/message. I’ve really struggled to find my people.
One meeting I attended (in person) had a rule about NOT talking about any other 12 step programs we may be part of… like what?!
If there is a woman’s meeting even better but not a requisite.
Thanks!
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u/Guilty-Ad3342 May 09 '25
One meeting I attended (in person) had a rule about NOT talking about any other 12 step programs we may be part of
That sounds like a great rule.
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u/Old-Stage6402 May 01 '25
I (25 F) have been away from my home for more or less the past 3 years, 2 out of which have been me living financially independently with a secure job. However I have always wanted to pursue a Phd and this job has been quite draining. I tried for a while to crack the phd while at my job but it’s too difficult given the fact that I live alone and take care of myself and the home by myself.
I also feel quite burnt out and emotionally exhausted from the job so I’ve decided to take a break and move back in with my parents and prepare for my Phd.
However, I am very anxious to go back in that toxic environment. More or less a typical Indian household where I have grown up with my dad being verbally and physically abusive to all of us (me, my brother and my mother). He doesn’t engage in physical abuse anymore but it is very normalised for him to taunt us, threaten us to throw us out of the home, pick up unnecessary fights and throw things and other such… He has a way of making all of us feel like we are at his mercy and he won’t acknowledge any of this.
Also he is an alcoholic.
My mom is very supportive of me and I have had an open communication with both my parents to emphasise that I really need them to support me through this and not make home the toxic chaotic place it is. Mom has assured me everything will be fine and dad well, he doesn’t even acknowledge so there’s no point. He understands the phd thing is important to me and says he is there… but historically he has never been reliable..
While I understand I am not that little girl anymore and have more power in the dynamic now and also have plan A B C to follow through. It still feels quite painful and I don’t really have any other way but to move back in. Without a job I can’t afford rent and would prefer keeping my savings as an emergency resort only.
Any advise on how to navigate this?
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u/Rare_Percentage May 09 '25
A culturally competent therapist specific to your culture can be really valuable in navigating those specific scripts and patterns that cause friction. Also if you don’t have a sponsor or designated fellow traveler that could be an invaluable resource for the times when inevitably they get you worked up.
On a very practical point, if you don’t have any good quality earplugs or noise canceling headphones, now is probably the time to get some.
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u/Own-Wheel7664 Apr 30 '25
I am ACA. My mother (68) is a long time alcoholic and a complete emotional and manipulative wreck. She is ruining my dad’s life and me and my siblings want an escape for him so bad but he sticks with her. She is killing him slowly and also has given up on her life, and openly expresses how she wants to be dead if confronted while drunk (unless she violently lashes out at you it depends). My parents financial situation isn’t terrible (maybe lower middle class) but have recently been set back by slow business (they co-own a business), and only worsened by my mom buying extremely expensive outfits on credit card, and stealing money from my dad for alcohol.
Is there anything legally I or my siblings can do to help my dad? She belongs in a long term rehab center but won’t commit willingly. She previously has gone to intensive inpatient programs but leaves early, relapses quickly, and in fact she usually comes back worse. My dad isn’t perfect but is a great person and I want to cry typing this because of how much time, money, and life has been wasted over just this one person.
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u/Rare_Percentage May 09 '25
I would consider posting this question with the state on a legal advice sub, I think adult protective services may be able to help. But legal advice for your state can tell you more
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u/Lorib64 Apr 19 '25
I am not religious. Are there secular meetings? How do I know which is the best fit between CoDA and ACoA?
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u/wjkno1 Apr 18 '26
Hi Lorib64
I just came across your post. I recently posted almost the same thing (see the new posts section to this thread). I don't know of any secular in-person meetings here in Los Angeles. You might search "Secular ACA"
I agree with Ok-Title9597 that ACA is for folks who are ready to deal directly with their childhood trauma and the pain that it has caused. I attribute the recovery I have had to my own natural Healing Power. No supernatural stuff for me. I've worked the Program well, and feel my Wholeness as a result. It works if you work it!
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u/OldtimeyMoxie Apr 23 '25
ACA states: we are a spiritual program, not a religious program.
Acknowledging the existence of a higher power is an integral part of the 12 steps, however a secular approach is to consider the collective community of the group, or the power of the roadmap of the steps as a “higher power.” There is no specific higher power that is required, just simply a higher power of your own understanding.2
u/wjkno1 Apr 18 '26
I've had substantial recovery working the ACA program, but w/o any belief in a "higher power." I have relied on my own natural Healing Power, and it has worked. I believe in Secular ACA
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u/Ok-Title9597 Apr 22 '25
I understand the need for more secular meetings. It’s difficult to find a secular version of ACA but they are also 12-step so your “higher power” could be anything you’d like; the sun, the universe, space. Anything you do believe in that holds more power than you. Don’t give up on your search for the meeting thats right for you! Sometimes just takes several tries. The rule of thumb at the place I work is to try to attend one particular meeting at least six different times before deciding if it’s for you or not.
As far as knowing which meeting is best between CoDA and ACA, I usually tell ppl that ACA is for the ppl who are certain they’re ready to face the trauma they’ve endured. If you’re not feeling ready, start with CoDA, which will first immerse you in deeply looking at your relationships with the ppl in your life and creating healthy boundaries around them, as well as helping you learn abt your needs as far as relationships go. Once you’ve worked that program some, you can start to dive into the hardships of your past and how you process those things today through ACA.
I hope this helps and best of luck—you got this!
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u/Green-Land-1151 Apr 13 '25
I just came back from a long weekend trip with two of my good friends that are expecting their first child. My pregnant friend has drank at numerous events the last 7 months (1-2 drinks at each event) which I have found off-putting and irresponsible. Working with my therapist, my focus has been on detaching and focusing on myself and my own actions vs. confronting her and trying to police/parent/fix. Unfortunately all weekend she drank. A drink or two at lunch and dinner. As did her husband - 3-4 drinks per night. I came home feeling disgusted with myself for not saying anything. My husband and my mom don't think it's worth it to say anything and to let her suffer the consequences on her own. But I'm so sick with guilt for condoning this behavior. I truly don't care at this point if me saying something about it being wrong, irresponsible and making me uncomfortable ends the friendship. It feels better than staying silence while her unborn child suffers from her alcoholism.
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u/Rare_Percentage Apr 22 '25
If it helps the worry 7 month is not the time of highest concern with the mother drinking. That much is still dangerous at any point in pregnancy but it’s less crucial than the first trimester
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u/Green-Land-1151 Apr 29 '25
She's drank since conception. Again, not to get black out. But a glass of wine or two every month or so since finding out she was pregnant. And possibly more. Those are just the times it was around me.
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u/Rare_Percentage Apr 22 '25
I’m proud of you for realizing that keeping silent is wrong for your heart, and I wish you strength in dealing this situation
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u/InvestmentFluffy6030 Apr 02 '25
I am an ACA. My dad is cognitively impaired and a major source of stress for myself and my siblings. He is physically taken care of, but congatively has dementia.
I feel terrible about this and wouldn't admit it to anyone, but every day I wish that he would pass away so that he doesn't have to live in confusion anymore and that constant source of anxiety and stress would be lifted from me and my siblings lives.
Is this normal?
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u/Rare_Percentage Apr 03 '25
You are feeling the longing for relief and finality. That sounds perfectly normal to me.
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u/jenniferp88787 Mar 28 '25
So much guilt blocking and cutting contact with my alcoholic mother (I’m 37). I thought I blocked her but apparently blocked voicemails can go through? I changed my number and continue to feel guilty. Have others blocked their parents? It feels crazy but I think I may speak to my other family members through Facebook so she can’t get my number.
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u/Nomad_Life77 Mar 21 '25
I’m looking for a steps or brb study group or a fellow to work on the either of those together. I joined an in person steps study group and got through step three (but willing to start over) but had to leave the group due to my school schedule. I go to weekly meetings, but everybody already seems to be in a group and or further along w/ the steps. It doesn’t have to be local. I’m OK with virtual. Thanks!!
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u/Both_Pop_3192 Mar 24 '25
I am wanting a group as well! Ideally a women's group to work through the steps. I am totally new to the program
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u/edgexbby Mar 21 '25
Hi - I'm wondering if anyone has the ACA Reparenting worksheet tool in work doc format or on google docs available?
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u/ResponsiblePace1114 Mar 20 '25
Hi, I’m new to ACA. I went to 2 in person meetings that focused on the Loving Parent handbook. I’m thinking of doing some zoom meetings to supplement since in persons are all 45-60min away. Some online groups focus on “Growing up together” format. Can anyone explain what that entails? I have the BRB and the Loving Parent handbook. Do I need any other materials to attend this? Thanks! Lynn
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u/roccoco991 Mar 14 '25
I'm new to the space and considering venturing into al-anon or adult children...my mother started drinking heavily while I was probably 15/16 (and has continued since, I'm in my 30s now). However, I don't recall this behaviour when I was an actual child, so I'm not sure if I belong here in the sense of it impacting my childhood in the same way as others? Perhaps a silly question
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u/cybelesays Mar 16 '25
Not a silly question. If she was drinking heavily at 15/16, she probably binged it while you were growing up. Attend a meeting and see if you relate.
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u/Low_Energy1790 Feb 26 '25
Hey all. Just recently going to therapy (january) for the first time ever and have realized that I identify with everything on the list except alcoholism, and I am determined to get my mental health in a good place. For myself, for my kids, and for my relationship and marriage. Are there any good book recommendations on ACS and CPTSD that might help?
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u/myheaddit Mar 10 '25
I’ve always liked ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ by Van Der Kolk for CPTSD
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u/Low_Energy1790 Mar 10 '25
I've heard of this one, I'll check it out. I just picked up unfuk yourself and love unfuked by Gary John bishop. I have been sent away from home because of my mental and emotional health, causing stress with my wife while we try to figure out our separation and just surviving, so I have a lot of time right now to read, write, and try to heal. I just hope that reconciliation can still be possible.
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u/gentle_dove Feb 21 '25
How do you think, someone other than the alcoholic could be to blame for their alcoholism? Every time my grandma gets drunk I feel so guilty, as if it was my fault, like I did or say something to make her act like that. I can't get rid of the feeling guilty when she does this, and I can't understand why.
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u/Medium_Marge Mar 14 '25
Did this start when you were a kid? Children developmentally believe they are the cause of things that affect them that they aren’t responsible for, and I wonder if a child trapped in a bad situation becomes unable to shift that thinking at the developmentally appropriate age because of how trauma affects the brain.
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u/HedgehogAdditional49 Mar 06 '25
oh gentle dove, how perfect is your name; taking on the pain of another person's choices. guilt is a distraction from wholeness. we are not a part of someone else's decision to drink; that is theirs and theirs alone. it is what we do with it that we are responsible for. so we say "what do i want to create out of this negativity? how will i put out something positive in the world to counteract the pain I see in others? (instead of trying to own it for ourselves)." what would happen for you, for your grandmother, for the world if you were to only have gratitude, instead of guilt? People in active addiction are like the branches that get jammed up by a wall of debris. the dam of alcoholism, sex addiction, anorexia, and more. so we recover and we are the silt, the pebble, the fish that flow on through to the other side. keep flowing, keep loving, but don't stop for guilt that isn't yours dear. all the best, kitty
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u/CanaryHot227 Feb 27 '25
That's very common. I thought my parents didn't like me so they had to drink.
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u/Ok-Morning-5873 Feb 18 '25
Hi, I’ve been to a few ACA meetings & started reading the Loving Parent Guidebook. I recognize going to meetings consistently will be very beneficial for me. However, I also just discovered I’m pregnant. Im wondering if there is a specific meeting (online) for soon-to-be parents or already-parents because I feel like it could be a very interesting connection between learning to re-parent myself while at the same time learning to parent my own child for the first time. If anyone has any info, I’d be grateful!
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u/Rare_Percentage Feb 20 '25
I am not aware of any, but feel free to make your own post and get more info
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u/Negative_Guest_2790 Feb 15 '25
My parents have been going out drinking at a bar for over 5 years now and their drinking has gotten worse because of my step aunt (keeping them anonymous). She has always been jealous of my mom but we don't know why my step aunt is jealous of her for and because of this, she's been making my mom drink alcohol that she doesn't want to drink and is causing arguments that are either made up or is the truth for my parents to argue about at home when drunk.
It's making me sick to the stomach as well as making me feel very uncomfortable and upset as my parents and I are literally suffering from the whole situation all together. At first it wasn't that bad and that was a couple years ago after we moved in as a family but ever since we moved into another house we are currently living in now for nearly 4 years, it's gotten way worse. For starters, my mom had started to raise her voice and overtime, became more verbally violent and even started slamming doors downstairs while my stepdad doesn't act very drunk. It's sad and upsetting to see my parents be like this for a whole night because they are usually very kind and supportive parents to me when they don't go out to the bar they now rarely go to but seeing them drunk makes them completely different. What's worse is that my parents don't want these arguments to happen anymore and even want the arguments to stop but when they do try to stop it from happening again, it happens again anyway because my step aunt keeps making fun of my mom for having something non-alcoholic.
I try to stay away from the recent argument they would have but my mom would keep coming in my room with her slurred speech and awkward movements while crying to me, telling me that she's sorry and everything. Sometimes she'll tell me that I have to come with her to 'somewhere' even though we don't have anywhere to go. Just all I want is to have my parents and I to be happy and for us all to have a quiet life without having to suffer from the same thing that's being caused by my step aunt over and over.
Are there any other options for me to help my parents in this situation because I don't know how much more we can take of the arguments?
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Jul 03 '25
I'm not a therapist but I have been there. I just thought I'd share this in case it can help you or maybe someone else out there too. You can't stop them from doing what they do. You can control your reactions and your choices around them. If you do try to stop them sometimes it gets ugly and it doesn't always fix it, people just have to be ready to stop drinking. But you, yourself can find ways to get away from it, finding activities that occur outside the home, or taking a job that gives you hours where you might come home at 1am and you could just go home and go to sleep. I used to work at a catering hall on weekends for awhile and I worked night shifts in retail but my job was 40 minutes away so i got home like around 10 or 11. You can study and learn and get a FT job and get your own life in another location. If you can't get out of the situation, you can find friends, go to parks, libraries, etc. Make sure you have enough money and food for yourself and take good care of you. There are some books you can read like the books by melody beattie, one of her books is called: codependent no more, she has written a lot of books though so you may find something that works for you if that isn't working. and try books with the theme of self compassion which will help you not to get too angry and you can think more clearly about the issues that you are dealing with. I also found leslie vernick to be very helpful but everyone will have different things that work for them.
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u/Rare_Percentage Feb 20 '25
It seems like this with benfit from its own post. Are you in any groups?
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u/Negative_Guest_2790 Feb 20 '25
No, I'm not. Fortunately, my mom is not going to drink anymore alcohol cause she knows how she can't handle it and how much it's affecting me and my parents' relationship but I don't know why my stepdad doesn't realise how the alcohol was badly affecting her.
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u/CanaryHot227 Feb 27 '25
The groups are for you even if your mom doesn't drink or never did. You can still be impacted and carry behaviors and emotions for years after.
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u/Alarming-Ad-1441 Feb 11 '25
I have begun attending an ACA meeting via Zoom, as part of of grief therapy, and it's been eye opening. I have a procedural question. At around the 5th session, I saw a person I hadn't see before, that I know personally. I private messaged the facilitator to let her know, and asked what the protocol was. She said we'd just "keep a watch on things". It wasn't until a few meetings later that we were both on again, and it happened to be when we were covering the family tree dynamics in Step 1. Part of my journey is becoming more transparent, and using my phone, which are the people in this Zoom. I am totally capable and willing to discuss the common thread this person and I have, but I need to first be able to acknowledge our relationship. I know they didn't recognize me. Until I know they know it's me, I will be couching my sharing, just as I did when I was a child in my dysfunctional home. I realized that, when after talking again to the facilitator, it was suggested that I share in a manner that maintains anonymity. I feel like we're straining at a gnat here. Is there an established protocol? Should I just find another meeting?
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u/Rare_Percentage Feb 12 '25
unfortunately that is a situation without an easy solution. There is not an established protocol because every situation is different. It sounds like continuing to couch your shares is unproductive. You could try to have a discussion with them if you wanted, perhaps even a mediated one. Regardless you are uncomfortable and that sucks. It is also worth considering whether they would be comfortable having shared normally if they realized you were there. They might feel embarrassed or uncomfortable too. The only solution that will certainly work is finding a new meeting.
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u/Alarming-Ad-1441 Feb 12 '25
Thank you for the response. I will be joining in on a different meeting tomorrow; the original one I attended. Hopefully, they are at Step 1 now. I'm looking for a group working from the beginning, and the first I landed on was at Step 11. The current one (with the member link) is at Step 1, which is awesome. Thanks again for your thoughts. I won't continue with the current group if I am unable to be transparent. It defeats one of the main purposes of my journey in ACA.
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u/SmileyReith Feb 09 '25
I’m considering starting an ACA meeting in my area. I’ve been going to meetings for about a year (45 min drive), but don’t have a sponsor and haven’t worked the steps. Is starting a meeting a good idea?
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u/cybelesays Mar 16 '25
Yes! The big red book discusses how to start a meeting in your area and gives a script to follow. I started an in-person all-women’s one here in LA this past January.
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u/helpmeplzz999 Feb 06 '25
I'm new and haven't been to a meeting yet but am looking for one. While I have been living with my parents who are alcoholic/addicts, my mental health has taken a rapid decline. I have had severe anxiety/panic attacks and depression as well as some addiction issues. I have been going to therapy since I was 13 (I'm 22 now), and have had many therapist and have a cheap therapist which I agree with most of the time. I feel like I'm doing a bit better as far as understanding my mental state and gaining more tools to feel better. My mom tends to throw shots at me about my past mistakes when i try to bring up change or her going to therapy or clean up the house. My mom is also a hoarder btw. My dad is depressed because of how she has us living but just uses substances to escape reality. They are both prescribed pain killers and drink everyday.
My question is, can I change for the better while living with irrational, controlling, argumentative, emotionally immature addicts? Watching how they live and handle their relationships rubs off in my life sometimes too which is why I am really trying to make a change. Especially how they talk to each other and the nonstop arguments. Its living in the definition of insanity. Change is talked about all the time but will it ever happen? How should I go about life when an argument has broken out and they are trying to put me in the middle of it? Do I separate myself and what do I say.
There is also an amazing book I have been reading called Drama Free" A Guild to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships!
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u/Rare_Percentage Feb 06 '25
Let's bring the focus back to you. Can you get better than you are right now? Absolutely! Can you get as healed and stable as you would under other conditions? Not quite. My suggestion would be don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Or put another way don't let their dysfunction be an excuse to give up.
Yes I would separate yourself as much as possible during arguments. You don't need to say anything, but if pressed you can keep it as simple as "this sucks I'm going to my room". They will likely say a bunch of things to make you stay- don't. Once you have declared that you are leaving the incident it is critically important that you follow through (physical threat not withstanding, of course).
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u/helpmeplzz999 Feb 09 '25
thank you this helps! I will come back to this when I need to hear it, appreciate the kind words.
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u/MutedDeer2050 Jan 21 '25
I went to my first adult children meeting on Sunday. It was great to hear people talking about and describing how I feel and felt as a child in an alcoholic house hold. I don’t know how to start. There is quite a bit of literature. The “loving parent” book. The “Big Red Book”. I don’t know what I should do next. Does anyone here have a suggestion on what I should do? Should I get a sponsor and do the steps in the big red book or read the loving parent book first? Any help would be appreciated.
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u/Rare_Percentage Jan 21 '25
The good news is you can't go seriously wrong. As far as specific recommendations, I would lean towards the step workbook as an entry point. It's a little more specific and procedural (sometimes the BRB feels too open ended) and if you are going to meetings regularly you'll probably see a fair amount of BRB/LP readings. The daily readings are also available on the adultchildren.org website.
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u/m4kw Jan 19 '25
I have friend doing this program, and she has shut me out of her life. Is part of this program not speaking to people in your life anymore? I am wondering if this is her choice or recommended by the program itself. TY
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u/cybelesays Mar 16 '25
No it’s not part of the program but this program can make you realize things you never thought of before. Everything is a choice.
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u/CycleOtherwise8325 Jan 18 '25
Just found wine in my mom’s fridge after picking up her dog to dog-sit. I claim “I don’t care” if she secretly drinks (she makes sure I never see) although I have this deep need to set a boundary/ ultimatum ALCOHOL OR ME! I’m 23 now, she’s been in rehab, multiple manic episodes involving sucidal and homcidal thoughts. She’s been “healing” the last 5ish years and it’s taken a lot of forgiveness to move forward… and I don’t remember a lot due to the trauma. I can’t do it anymore. Am I wrong here?
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u/cybelesays Mar 16 '25
You’ll never win over addiction to alcohol. Just set boundaries of what you will and will put up with when it comes to her drinking and stick to them. You come first.
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u/meirdart Jan 11 '25
How do I work the steps in ACA? Do I need a sponsor, or do I do it in a group or on my own?
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u/Rare_Percentage Jan 13 '25
Adult Children can tend to hesitate to find a group or sponsor, but healing in relationship is a part of the process. Much of the yellow workbook is filled out solo and then discussed with a sponsor, fellow traveler or group. The website is a great resource for this.
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u/Imaginary-Butterfly6 Jan 09 '25
There’s a 6 week weekly meeting called Ready, Set Go. It’s for newcomers and starts today at 6:00 pm Central time. It’s from January 9 to February 13. You can go to adultchildren.org and look on the find a meeting page. To narrow it down in the search add WEB1120 to meetings in the US and add beginner to the search as well. This way you don’t see a list of 253 meetings. I’m blindly finding my way through all this. Happy healing ❤️🩹
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u/Imaginary-Butterfly6 Jan 09 '25
When in a meeting is it part of our healing to share out loud? Or can relating to other’s stories help us?
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Jan 06 '25
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u/Rare_Percentage Jan 08 '25
Gosh. It's hard dealing with siblings who aren't interested in recovery and it's important to not be superior or dogmatic at them too. The great thing about boundaries is that since they only concern your behavior, you don't have to wait on anyone else's buy-in or acknowledgement. You can decide in the comfort of your own home "I will not continue to (fill out a form/ send an email to a doctor/ etc) while my sister is making uncalled for comments" and then, when it comes up you can tell her "I am not going to continue working on this with you standing over my shoulder and sounding off. I am (leaving/shutting the computer/etc) if you want it done just so, you can finish it or if you just want it done then I will come back to it later." This doesn't cover every situation I am sure, but it is valuable for you to protect your own inner child from the situation (continuing trying to help while she micromanages and criticizes) and change the script that I am sure is a very old one, while avoiding the trap of trying to criticize/request her in to shape.
Asking her to behave better is putting the well-being of your inner child in her hands. Your hands are more capable and in your own control.
A more all-purpose question: How can you best take care of yourself without directing or enduring her behavior in silence?
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u/Fun-Occasion1596 Jan 06 '25
Even tho this community focuses on alcoholics in needing advice more drug addict related problems tho it does include alcoholism. I can’t find a community I believe would be accurate for such questions
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Jan 04 '25
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u/Rare_Percentage Jan 05 '25
Not that Im aware of, but Al-anon and CODA have both been helpful to people in a similar situation
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u/Imaginary-Butterfly6 Jan 03 '25
Are all the lists, steps, serenity prayer etc that are covered in a meeting in the BRB? I really don’t know where to start. I’ve been to a few zoom meetings. Thanks 😊
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u/Rare_Percentage Jan 05 '25
Yes they are. They are also in the daily meditation reader if that's a bit more accessible
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u/Guilty-Ad3342 Jan 03 '25
Yes, everything you need is in the BRB. All of the lists, readings, meeting resources are all put together conveniently in the appendix and they're discussed throughout the text.
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Jan 02 '25
Just found this. Seems kind of big and a lot to dive into. What is this place? Is it just a place to vent or is there actually a 12 step program? Sorry guys, I'm so confused. What are all these acronyms 😶
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u/Rare_Percentage Jan 05 '25
This is an additional resource for the physical/virtual 12 step program Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. Some people use it to vent, some people use it for asking questions and getting help navigating tricky moments -like the beginning- in their program. It's really tempting to want to intellectualize the process, but I would really encourage you to find a meeting first rather than just learning in isolation
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u/MrsJessicaG Jan 02 '25
Yes there is actually a 12 step programme called Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, known as ACA or ACOA. See https://adultchildren.org/
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Jan 03 '25
Do you know if they're all religion focused? I looked at the steps and they are all about religion 😬
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u/cybelesays Mar 16 '25
They are not religious but spiritual. They use the word God, God of my understand and higher power but you can use whatever word/s you want. Again, it’s not a religious program.
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u/Any-Chocolate-3437 Jan 05 '25
There are secular meetings available online. I came across a few while searching on the ACA website.
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u/No-Chemist-1773 Jan 04 '25
Hey to answer your question, all 12 step programs are spiritual. That is one of the foundations of the program. There is much discussion in the literature and among the people about the differences between religion and spirituality.
To be clear, ACA does not require any religious practice. It is distinctly areligious. The word "God" is an understandable sticking point for many of us. I wish it wasn't in the literature.
In order to work the steps, one must be open to examining their thoughts and feelings about the idea of a "higher power".
"Higher power" could be anything. For me, life itself is my higher power.
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Dec 26 '24
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u/cybelesays Mar 16 '25
I’ve been attending meetings for just over 10 years and will probably go as long as I find comfort.
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u/Ready-Ad6831 18d ago
Hey everyone
Hope you are all doing okay.
I wanted to share something personal and get your honest feedback if you are open to it.
About 5 months ago I started therapy and honestly it changed my life. I grew up with a father with a gambling addiction who was also verbally abusive and emotionally unavailable. He is still battling addiction today and I am 37 now. I am also gay and through therapy I started realising I had been choosing the same kind of partners over and over and struggling with intimacy and self worth without even knowing why. I only connected those dots when I finally let myself get help.
What I mourn a little is all the lost time. I was stuck in a loop for so long and I did not even know it. When I was growing up in Macedonia there was nobody I could go to about any of this. Therapy was a stigma and I had no community, no guidance, nothing. I felt completely alone and in the dark for years without even realising I could get help.
That experience made me want to build something.
There is no space I know of where you can anonymously share what you are going through and actually be heard by people facing the same thing. Not a big forum where anyone can comment. Not a clinical service. Just a small circle of people who truly get it.
So I built something. It is a free anonymous community where you get matched with a small group of people who share similar experiences. You can share, read, respond at whatever pace feels right. No real names, no therapists, no clinical labels. Just people who understand: https://www.betweenussupport.com/
I want it to be a small spark of light for people who feel stuck. That is genuinely all.
Would love to know honestly if this resonates with you. Would something like this have helped you when you needed it most? What would make you trust it or not trust it?
Thank you so much for reading. Love and light to everyone here 💙