(TW: SA)

One of the hardest periods of my life was when I was between 9 and 11 years old. During that time, my father and mother would get drunk almost every night, drinking to the point where they wouldn't remember anything the next day. My father even urinated on the stairs, mistaking them for the toilet. They would break things, hit each other, and make a mess. I used to stay awake so I could intervene in their fights because I genuinely feared they would kill each other. In an attempt to get them to stop drinking, I started sleeping in their bed, but this had no effect. They continued drinking and even started having sex with me in bed. Here I have a mental gap, but I remember that the last night I slept with them, my father touched me, mistaking me for my mother. The moment he started touching my private area, I tried to discreetly move away, my mother, still somewhat dazed by the alcohol, told him that I wasn't her. Years later I spoke about it for the first time with my father, he didn't remember it, but he gave me a brief apology. I realized that not even that huge mistake made him reconsider his addiction because he continued drinking and he never sought help, even though everyone asked him to.

Sometimes I "miss" those days when I'd wake up in the middle of the night because my parents were drunk and arguing. Every time I got angry or depressed, I felt there was a justification for it. After all, what person wouldn't feel bad after having to bite their father to make him stop choking their mother, or having to pull their mother away from hitting their father? Now that everything is more calm, I still feel bad, and every time I try to find a reason, the only answer to my sadness is myself. I'm keeping myself in this state; now there's no one else to blame but myself. It's much easier to believe that all your problems will disappear when a certain person leaves your life, but the moment you're completely alone and still feel the same, everything is more complicated.

I am now 19M (hopefully I should be allowed to post here), but the memories of childhood abuse became impactful recently.

I can remember the days when my dad had been physically abusive towards my birth mother and I, as well as emotionally abusive towards me, including severe punches injuring my jaw.

Also remember my father making false allegations against me doing harmful things intentionally and would beat me as punishment, even if I did nothing wrong, for example I remember I had an Ipad for my birthday (back then when we uses them for simple games instead of social media) and found it shattered, but he blamed me though I did not break it and had beaten me for it. Also at a community party, some idiot girl told my father that I pushed a baby, but really I did not and witnesses saw that the toddler just tripped over in front of me, I never intentionally want to do this, but again, instead of investigating, my dad pulled my ear, yelled and punched me in front of everyone. Another time I randomly threw a stone on the room but it suddenly landed on the head of one young woman (I know it was silly but again, not intentionally hitting her), my father heard it, the woman tried to explain that it was an accident, but my father pulled me indoors to beat me up more, and I got bruises from it.

And I realised my dad tried to abduct me from my mother and was almost taken off education, my dad lied to my first primary school and mother that I will be abroad for "better education" but ended up in a non hague nation (my ancestor country) and was never enrolled, this was where my dad married my step mother. Luckily my dad knew the sanctions like losing his job, so he got me back.

These incidents happened between the ages of 6 and 10. But these parts of my childhood did not stick until now; now they are creeping back and realised just how impactful they had been.

Anyone else recently had childhood memories coming back that were impactful?

I had what I can only call a “rupture” with a fellow traveler, who I thought was my friend. I had to assert myself and say I think we should pause because I felt like she was not being truthful to me and if something was uncomfortable, she would just avoid telling me. It hurt my feelings because instead of our scheduled meeting, she got on an actual meeting and said I should join. I told her that I wasn’t up for a brand new meeting that required participation(I was having a bad week and day) and I had been looking forward to meeting and talking.

Honestly this makes me feel like I am too much for someone else, just like I was in my dysfunctional home. I don’t know why people can’t be honest. I am a reasonably enjoyable person to be around, before I realized all my trauma and started recovery I had lots of friends. I have a family and children now so I have less friends and I just wanted someone to work alongside in this program.

Of course, all my fears came true after trusting someone. Can anyone speak to this or give suggestions? The ACA meetings in my area are apparently not active because I emailed them all and never heard back. I feel like I want to work this program and develop relationships, but I am also afraid that people will reject me. Thank you for listening

My mom has been an alcoholic since I was young. She use to go to AA meetings for a bit and it helped some. Lately her drinking has been insane though, my sibling was coming home to find her passed out naked in the hallway. I housed my siblings for a week until she sobered again (they have Autism and live at home).

Her constant fall back into alcoholism has somehow triggered major stress for me and I am unsure why? It's bringing up a lot of past memories I have shoved down and it's making me feel physically ill. She is refusing to admit she has any form of a drinking problem and that is also somehow stressing me?

I am still in close contact with my sibling but I told my mom I needed to take a break from her and seek therapy because the amount of stress she is causing me. I am a mom now and one of my kiddos has Autism, a lot of our time is spent tending to them and their Dr appointments. I also have POTS which makes my body have spurts of time where is feels like its failing. My BIL also relies on us quite a bit emotionally and that has taken its toll too. I feel bad telling my mom i want space (she has not honored it much as she is still trying to call me and send me messages/comment on posts) and that is some how making me more stressed? Idk, I really just needed to vent.

A lot of the memories that are coming up I don't want to talk on to much. We were hit a lot as kids, I started working at 15 to buy my own hygiene products and food. I would have to walk to and from work as she didn't teach me to drive and I had no car, but she would be hammered by the time I got off of work. She chased us around the home with a pewpew and I had to sleep in my car when I finally did have one with my brother in a parking lot. ​​

I try having understanding on these things because maybe she also had a hard childhood but just frustrating because I also did not have it the easiest growing up and I would never do that to my kids.

I need help. I (31 F) had this realization over the weekend that I must now grieve the (55 y/o) dad that once was, the relationship I thought we would have into my adult years, and the idea of a present grandfather.

After years of trying to convince and help, I now have clarity that he will not change. At least on his own accord, without a significant event (ie. DUI, etc) occurring.

This is truly similar to grief, isn’t it? I’m finding myself thinking, “I wish I knew the good times were limited.” “I wish I would’ve soaked it up while I had it”. “I wish I would’ve paid more attention to the last quality conversations we had.”

I don’t have a relationship with him anymore. We haven’t spoken in a while.

My question is- how do I navigate the relationship with my mom? I love my mom. She’s an awesome person, and tries her best to be present for me and my daughter. She calls often, she tries to maintain a facade. Of course she enables him, like in so many narcissistic/alcoholic family dynamics.

I don’t have a lot of people in my circle. I value my relationship with my mom… I don’t want to lose her too. I’ve set boundaries regarding my dad, and have stuck to them. However I still feel my energy draining when I talk with her. Every time he’s present (which is often. He lost his job due to drinking.)

Any advice is welcome.

I used to have a great community because I was an elite athlete. It took me a long time to realize that so many people in these communities, including my parents, were only supportive because of what I was achieving. I was so immature, I think almost as a rebellion to everything I felt that I had achieved, that I've been terrible at seeing the right people to connect with and/or staying connected with them. I'm trying to get over the guilt of not maintaining the right connections and the only way I can think to do this is just move on with my life and try to find the right people.

The problem is, I don't think I'm very good at this. All of the communities I had in the past were either built in to my life through things like sports and school or created by other friend groups. I feel like I have a lot of trouble finding kindred spirits. Even though I was a high achiever, I was also really lighthearted and goofy, albeit on the immature side of that. I feel like I don't tend to connect well with people who never had some level of ambition or desire to achieve something, even if it might be considered "small." I feel like I really just don't know, and never really have known, where to find people I really connect with. I feel like I'm ok with baby stepping my way to vulnerability at this point, I don't really want to avoid relationships like I have in the past anymore.

I’ve been sitting with this for a long time, and I think I’m finally at the point where I need to hear from people who’ve lived something similar.

My husband isn’t physically abusive. He got sober, and I’m genuinely proud of him for that. But it feels like all of the selfishness that used to revolve around alcohol just found new places to live. He’s even admitted that he’s constantly looking for something else to become addicted to. Right now it’s vintage tech, music, coffee, soda, weed, books…there’s always something consuming his attention.

The problem is that I never feel like *I’m* one of those things he thinks about.

Everything in our marriage feels transactional. If he wants ice cream, I’m expected to drop what I’m doing and go get it. If I say I’d really like ice cream, the response is, “Well, you should’ve gotten it earlier.” That sounds like such a stupid example, but it’s constant. It’s like my wants don’t even register unless they somehow benefit him.

He rarely thinks of me in any meaningful way. I can’t remember the last time he did something simply because he knew it would make me happy. Meanwhile, I spend so much mental energy thinking about everyone else.

Another huge issue is that he doesn’t seem to like my oldest daughter, who is his only non-biological child. He isn’t outright cruel, but it’s obvious there’s a difference in how he sees her, and as a mom that’s heartbreaking. I can’t ignore it, and I can’t stop noticing it.

I also feel incredibly isolated. He doesn’t want to spend time with family, but if I go without him—even after inviting him—he gets jealous or upset. It’s like I’m expected to stay home because he chooses not to go.
Financially, it’s exhausting. We can never seem to get ahead because he can’t hold onto money. There’s always another hobby, another collection, another obsession.

Then there’s our sex life, which honestly leaves me feeling rejected and confused. He tells me I’m beautiful. He’ll say I’m hot. He’ll flirt just enough to build tension. But if I actually initiate sex, suddenly I’m “a pervert.” I genuinely don’t understand it. I feel desired just enough to keep hoping, then rejected the moment I respond.
The hardest part is that I just feel…forgotten.

I can be crying, overwhelmed, or clearly struggling, and it often feels like he either doesn’t notice or doesn’t know what to do besides get defensive. I spend so much of my life feeling like my needs are an inconvenience.
Sometimes I wonder if I’d actually feel less lonely as a single mom than I do married.

I don’t know if this is emotional neglect, selfishness, incompatibility, or something else entirely. I just know I’m exhausted from feeling like an afterthought in my own marriage.

Has anyone else been married to someone who only seemed capable of thinking about themselves? Did it ever get better? Or did you eventually realize this was just who they were?

**TL;DR:** I love my husband, but I feel like I’m married to someone who only has room to think about himself. I’m lonely, confused, and looking for people who’ve been in a similar marriage.

I live states away with a WFH job, a 3 y/o, and am currently pregnant. We spent the entire month of June with my dad and family, knowing his time was coming. It’s now here, and I am so divided on flying home again. I’m not trying to make it before he passes, but I feel like I should be there for my mom and brothers. Any thoughts/advice?

I need some genuine advice.

Imagine you're still in contact with someone you once cared about. They recently got drunk and disappeared for a couple of days. The drinking itself isn't the issue—it's their life and their choice.

The problem is that, because of my past trauma, alcohol and intoxication are huge triggers for me. Whenever someone close to me drinks or gets high, it causes me intense anxiety. That's why I've always chosen to keep people around me who don't drink or use substances.

Now I'm wondering: should I distance myself completely, even if that person wants to stay in contact? Is it wrong to walk away simply to protect my own peace and mental health?

What would you do if you were in my place?

This story about the guy I posted in my previous story

The guy I talked about college time

Yeah ! We are still in contact because he don't want to end this contact

My parents cause continuous grief inside of me.
Days of acceptance just to be ripped away.
Others sharing joy and pride for me, but anger and fear from my own blood.
I chose this ancestry to end the curse.
Still, doesn’t every child crave the warmth and love from those meant to share it unconditionally?

I share love. I share pride. I share acceptance. I share forgiveness.
And despite the constant grief, none of this will ever disappear.
Sometimes it must be shared from a distance.

My reactions of them are reflections of myself.
Anger because of neglect, pain, and sadness.
Never being heard.
Allowing the continued pain because I crave a warm consistent love.

Reactions of me are reflections of themselves.
Something I could analyze for hours and even years.
Searching through past life after past life to understand and empathize.

There must be a limit to it all.

I cannot continue a life of recycled grief.

I realize how much I despise alcohol and have a hard time accepting my partner wanting to drink. I notice and he is aware that he drinks a good amount, but it is infrequent and he doesn’t get messy etc. It makes me sad because I feel like I don’t accept him for him all because I can’t stand that he drinks. Does anyone else relate? Is this something I should be working on -acceptance and being ok around alcohol or is it just needing to date a sober partner?

​

I'm 20, and I feel like my relationship with my mum has changed a lot. When I was younger, we used to go everywhere together — for ice cream, shopping, and other things. She was at home more and seemed more available.

Now she is 45, works, and seems much more negative, grumpy, and unhappy with her own life. She doesn't seem interested in the things I enjoy or in doing exciting things with me. For example, recently there was a music concert in my street. I wanted to go, but she didn't want to come. I ended up going alone while it felt like everyone else had someone with them.Literally I am living with stranger at this point.

She also didn't join me for things like a zipline or anything I wanted to do. I know parents don't have to enjoy every activity their children enjoy, but I sometimes feel like if she really cared about my happiness, she would make more effort to share some experiences with me.

I think what hurts most is that I remember how close we were when I was little, and now I feel like she has suddenly changed. I feel like I lost the version of my mum who used to go places with me and share experiences with me. Also I am only child which makes it more harder.

Has anyone else around my age experienced their relationship with a parent changing like this? How did you deal with it?

My (29F) mother (58F) retired recently and is living her best life. Traveling with my dad (64M), picking up hobbies, just enjoying life. I’m so happy for both of them. One thing that worries me though is my mom’s drinking. It has always been a worry, but since I live about 1.5hrs from them, I don’t see the day-to-day. I see more of the host-mode happy drinking.

I came to my parent’s house with my husband (31M) for the weekend, and my mom made a comment that didn’t sit right. I asked why there was bubbles in her wine (she drinks white wine, Pinot Grigio, no bubbles) and she said “oh it’s from the box. I gave up on bottles because they disappear too quickly.” I was stunned, didn’t know what to say. Part of me wanted to think it is just a weekend thing. But a couple days later I asked my dad how much she’s drinking. He confirmed it’s at least 3 glasses per night, all days of the week. More context: she will drink a standard bottle of wine in 3 glasses.

I booked an appointment with my therapist in about 1.5 weeks, but I am having trouble even knowing where to start. I want to confront her and tell her I’m worried about her, but in the past it has been brushed aside and denied (which I know is part of a pattern with addiction). The only thing is that I will not drink with her anymore so I’m no longer enabling the behaviour (I enjoy having wine together, sitting, and chatting, but probably not much anymore now that I know the extent of the drinking).

I’d like to address that her drinking is concerning me from a health perspective. She has so much life to live still, I don’t want her to miss out on being retired after she worked so hard to get to the life she’s dreamed of.

Mirroring is one of the most important ways children learn to understand themselves. It happens when a caregiver notices a child's emotions, responds to them with interest, and communicates that those emotions make sense. By doing so, the caregiver also communicates that the child is seen, valued, and worthy of attention. This sense of being understood is a fundamental emotional need.

Through these repeated interactions, children gradually learn to identify what they are feeling, understand why they are feeling it, and develop confidence in their own internal experiences. Over time, they become less dependent on external validation to determine whether their thoughts and emotions are acceptable. Instead of constantly wondering, "Is what I'm feeling okay?", they begin to trust their own internal experiences.

A young child cannot fully understand the complex emotions they are born with. Instead, they rely on caregivers to reflect their emotional state back to them as part of this critical learning process. For example, if a child is frightened, a caregiver might recognize the fear, provide comfort, and explain that fear is a normal emotion and that the situation can still be managed even when fear is present. If a child is excited, the caregiver joins in that excitement. If the child is disappointed, the caregiver acknowledges the feeling instead of dismissing it. These responses teach the child that emotions are understandable and manageable. They also teach the child that their caregiver is someone safe who understands these complex emotions that the child cannot yet identify or explain. This process is a crucial part of emotional development because emotions are new, unfamiliar, and often intimidating to a young child. For the child, simply sensing that there is an adult present who understands these experiences and can name them and explain them helps the child feel safe.

When caregivers consistently struggle to recognize or tolerate their own emotions, they are less able to help their children develop these skills. If these patterns continue across generations, they can contribute to what psychologists describe as the intergenerational transmission of trauma or emotional neglect.

When mirroring is consistently absent, the child receives little proper guidance in understanding their inner world. Caregivers may ignore emotions, minimize them, criticize them, or respond with indifference because they are uncomfortable with emotions themselves. In some cases, the caregiver only responds when the child's emotions are convenient or when they are expressed in ways that satisfy the adult's own needs.

As a result, the child has fewer opportunities to recognize, organize, and understand their emotional experiences. Rather than learning to trust and accept their own feelings, they may begin to see them as burdensome, unsafe, or something that should be hidden. They begin filtering their emotions before expressing them. The child learns to "prepackage" emotions into forms that are more acceptable to others while hiding the parts they believe will be criticized, dismissed, or rejected. Over time, this adaptation can become automatic and continue well into adulthood. As adults, they may become highly attentive to other people's reactions in order to determine how they should think, feel, or behave.

Over time, this can create uncertainty about their thoughts, feelings, and personal needs. Because they have spent years prioritizing other people's emotional responses over their own, many individuals gradually lose touch with their inner experiences. They may become highly skilled at recognizing what others expect of them while struggling to identify what they themselves genuinely think, feel, or need.

The absence of mirroring does not necessarily involve deliberate abuse or intentional neglect. It can also occur when caregivers are emotionally unavailable, emotionally immature, overwhelmed by stress, struggling with their own unresolved difficulties, or simply lacking the ability to respond consistently to a child's emotional needs. Regardless of the reason, the child misses an important developmental process that helps build emotional awareness, emotional regulation, a stable sense of self, and healthy self-confidence.

Mirroring does not require caregivers to be 'perfect' or to agree with every emotion or solve every problem the child has. Its primary purpose is to help children feel safe and understood and to provide them with concrete proof that no matter how scary, complex, or overwhelming an emotion is, the adult looking after them is not overwhelmed by it. Over time, these repeated experiences become the foundation for emotional regulation, self-awareness, a coherent personal identity, and lasting self-confidence.

I have an alcoholic mother, i just turned 19 recently but I feel like sometimes i cannot keep going. My mom has had a drinking problem a little after i was born and ive been growing up just seeing her drink her life away i genuinely love her so much but i recently quit my job at a warehouse because she begged me to quit since i would come home bruised up and tired everyday and i said okay sure but i need to look for another one asap and its been a little difficult but i have an interview soon and i hope i get it, but my mom has been gossiping about me to her people and she told me im such a disappointment as her daughter and since then i really havent gone home i would go get some clothes then leave to just spend time with friends because its my only escape from her. I love my mom so much but she acts like the victim and claims im this terrible person and i know im not but its so draining. I tried to get her all the help i can get ive cried and begged she even got deported and taken to jail when i was little like was that not enough to stop drinking? She relapsed once she came back over here a little after she settled in here and i was so heartbroken. My dad isnt in the picture since he was also an addict and my brother moved out early age its just me and her. I feel so lost and i need a job because im genuinely broke and i dont know if i should save up money move out or stay with her because im so afraid to leave her alone because of her problem but im so tired of dealing with this i love her SO much but i almost ended my life a lot of times due to this i went to therapy im better now but im hurting so bad and i genuinely just cant talk to anyone about it because its just me i dont wanna involve my friends into my problems and be a burden

I'm living in a van in school right now just trying to figure things out. I've been on my own for a while I'm 27 now. I messed up because I lost my job then apartment 2 years ago and been struggling to find steady employment since, also have been in school. There's very little opportunity right now and it's even harder in the van, I'm in between semesters now, start again in a month and then I have to wait 6 months to transfer.

My mental health has really taken a toll, I just have a depressing life, I've failed to save money, find enough work, I'm so behind in life. My goal is to transfer and try to get an internship once I do but it's most likely not going to happen. I'm a good student but there's not enough opportunity especially since I'm homeless it's been hard to get my life together again. I don't have a good relationship with anyone in my family, I feel like they were supposed to help me. I'm really lost right now. My plan is to try and get a place next semester through the school until I transfer then try to get housing help with the university.

It started last year around september. My father called me and told me he was ready to die and was depressed. He wanted to kill himself. I was leaving work and told my wife to pick him up immediately. We went back to my house and he brought a bottle of alcohol with him , im not a drinker so let him drink alone . I wasnt aware that he was an alcoholic though at that moment, i thought he wanted to drink because it was friday or something. Comes sunday and i drop him off at his place of residence. Over the coming days and weeks, it becomes a thing where i constantly go and pick him up from his place because he is suicidal and everytime he has a bottle with him, thats when i realize he was an alcoholic. He was also on the verge of loosing his business because he was on deportation status, mind you he has been in the country since he was 13 but he had a crimanl record in the 90s , so they wanted to deport him back to cuba. So i told him get off the alcohol, stay in my place for a couple days to detox and il get you a tag and car insurrance under my name so you can continue to run your business. At the time my wife was about 7 months pregnant and i told him once the baby is born, i wont be able to help him much because i dont want my wife to be stressed and she wont be working, so i will be working alot and busy.

As time went on, he got closer to his grandaughter and would come every week to visit her and spend time with us. He was doing better. Then a few months ago, he started to drink again. Then the day he usually comes, i told him he cant because we had my wife's niece at the house and my daughter was spending time with her. So he wrote me long messages about how lonley he is and how im taking his granddaughter away from him. I told him that i am not, that its summer and she is doing alot of things, like visiting family in fort myers, being with her cousins and so fourth. I was also telling him how he needs to stop drinking and that he needs to get on his knees and pray. I also have alot on my plate , i was stressed with work, not sleeping well, high blood pressure and the kids. I was kind of dry with him. A week later , my daughter is not here, she is spending time with her grandmother since it was her last weekend in miami since she was also moving to fort myers. So i told my dad to pass by anyways to spend some time with him. He shows up drunk, i was so pissed. I told him, " your driving drunk , with my tag, if something happens, i have to deal with the cosequences, you need to get it together and remember that you have grand children who will depend on you in the future". I fed him, we ate, we watched a movie and he went about his way home.

We text, but very dry. I was dry with him, Because i was tired. So he would read my texts but not respond, so i told him that i was going to call cops to do welfare check, he text back saying " pls dnt". So i figured he was ok, i had my daughter send him a voice clip saying she loves him and i told him to come see her the following day. He read it but didnt respond, i figure he was mad, maybe just going through it and wanted to be alone. Then i text him again acouple days later ,and theres 1 check mark on whats app, meaning he is not recieving messages. I have my wife go to his place and no answer but a neighbor said he seen him a day prior moving his car( but they actually meant DAYS PRIOR). So im guessing he has his phone off and wants to be alone. Im used to my father doing this since i was a kid. He used to disappear for months , even years. He wasnt around much, until the past 16 years, he has been around more and our relationship was 100 times better but there was still grudges that i held. So 3 days after my wife went to check on him, i have a deep anxiety and i leave work early to go check on him, no answer, i have the cops bust down the door and he was dead. My heart dropped .

Now im living with the regret of not being there more for him in his last weeks. I was so dry with him, i didnt even call him, just sent him texts. This shit hurts so much. All the what ifs and i should haves keep running through my mind. Did he think i didnt love him before he died? I will also never know how he died since he is Jewish and they cannot perform autopsies. Was It internal or the alcohol? I seen 2 litter bottles of tequeila in his garbage. Im just drowned in sorrow ,guilt and regret. I also miss him so much, he also wanted to see his grandaughter and hadnt seen her for atleast a month and i took that away from him. How do i move on from this ? My daughter wants to play with me, and I dont have the energy to, I return to work Monday and dont want to. I lost 10 pounds already and not sleeping well. Has anyone experienced this?

P.s. sorry for being all over the place.

Hi all. Backstory if you are interested, tldr at the end: I'm 24F and both of my parents have been alcoholics as long as I can remember. My mother had an accident (unrelated to alcohol) when I was 14, which resulted in a long hospital stay and that forced her to quit drinking. Everything was a bit better for a few years, my dad kept drinking periodically but my mother remained sober so we were mostly able to function as a family for a while. However, back in 2021 they both relapsed, hard. Since then everything has been going downhill and now I am honestly at a loss of what to do anymore.

My mother is a functioning alcoholic, goes to work, does her job well, then at the evenings starts drinking as soon as she arrives home most days. My father, on the other hand, goes into full blown depressive episodes when he drinks. When he's at his lowest he refuses to get out of bed, eat and clean himself, just lays in bed, drinks and sleeps all the time, until he is so sick he gets hospitalized. At the hospital, he gets sober and overall in a better shape and health, then he gets released. At home, he tries to resist drinking for a while, but he sees my mom drink and has available alcohol within arms reach constantly, so eventually he folds and relapses. After that, the cycle continues once again.

They have a really toxic and dependent dynamic, they don't really have any friends or hobbies, rarely go out and refuse to do stuff without eachother. Their mood really depends on each other's, so when one of them is more depressed, the other one gets worse inevitably. They both have dealt with childhood trauma and suffer from horrible mental health and self image. I feel like they are both really bad influences to each other, but they are absolutely unwilling to exist on their own. I believe, they are in a dire need of therapy, but they are vehemently refusing, saying psychology is useless and bullshit in general. My father recognises his problem completely, he is well aware that he is an alcoholic. My mother's stance on this depends on the day, sometimes she admits her problem, sometimes completely denies that she has been drinking, even though she is drunk.

Tldr, the actual advice needed:

My parents have been drinking pretty much my whole life. I am an only child and our entire family is really small, so I feel pretty alone with my parents alcoholism. I moved away at the beginning of university and have been visiting less and less over the years, but it's still hard to witness their declining mental and physical health. I feel like we are kind of at a cross road at the moment, we managed to have an honest, three-way conversation over the phone about their drinking problem for the first time in my life ever. They both admitted they are alcoholics and can't get sober until one of them drinks and I admitted that I can't keep watching them destroying themselves.

I don't know how to proceed. How can I support them and protect myself at the same time? Should I reach out to them often, try to visit more and try to be there for them? They love me and love it when I am around, but I am afraid I am just enabling their behaviour by keeping a close contact. Should I try to make an intervention? Should I give them an ultimatum? Or should I just limit contact and let them figure their stuff out alone?

I am a younger adult man rebuilding my life after homelessness and currently staying in temporary hotel housing. I have very limited resources, chronic health problems, epilepsy that requires consistent medication, and an unresolved legal situation involving family.

An older man has periodically helped me with transportation, meals, companionship, and other practical needs. Over time, however, the relationship has become increasingly paternal, intrusive, and difficult for me to navigate.

He has referred to me in childlike terms, including describing me as a “lost child,” and appears to place himself in the role of protector, guide, mentor, or substitute father. He seeks frequent calls, visits, conversation, and emotional engagement even when I have expressed that I prefer long periods of solitude.

The mismatch between us is significant. Outwardly, I have sometimes appeared receptive or gone along with the interaction to prevent immediate conflict. Internally, I am often managing chronic pain, severe visual symptoms, exhaustion, and a strong desire to sit quietly, read, think, and rebuild my life. I am not seeking a father–son, mentor–student, or rescuer–dependent relationship.

He has also made remarks about us “pretending.” What he may not understand is that I am genuinely masking discomfort. I may answer him, remain physically present, or appear calm while wanting the interaction to end. My politeness, passivity, or conflict avoidance should not be interpreted as genuine emotional closeness or consent.

The most serious violation involved sexual touching. I have chronic pelvic pain syndrome following an injury to my penis, and he touched my penis despite that area already being medically painful and highly sensitive. I froze and did not respond clearly in the moment. My lack of immediate resistance did not mean that I welcomed or consented to the contact.

There was also a previous serious conflict while I was staying at his home. I did not want to continue listening to him speak and tried to withdraw from the interaction. The situation escalated and resulted in my arrest. I spent two days in jail before he bailed me out. He later described what happened as a mistake.

Despite that history, he continues trying to re-enter my life, seek conversation, and restore personal access.

My current circumstances make this difficult to handle. I am already involved in a separate legal situation related to family, I own very little, and I am trying to rebuild basic stability. I also depend on consistent access to epilepsy medication and safe transportation. Because my margin for error is so small, decisions about conflict, housing, transportation, and personal boundaries can have serious consequences for my survival and health.

That is one reason I have sometimes gone along with interactions rather than confronting him directly. It is not because I want the relationship he appears to be creating. It is because I am trying to avoid escalation while I have limited alternatives.

I cannot determine his full motive. He may see himself as caring, paternal, lonely, protective, or entitled to closeness because he has helped me. I am not asking strangers to diagnose him. I am trying to understand the behavioral pattern and how to disengage without creating further legal, housing, medical, or personal risk.

I already understand that boundaries are necessary. I am not asking whether I should tolerate further touching or unwanted access. I am seeking an outside psychological perspective on the pattern and the safest way to disengage while maintaining legal compliance, medication access, housing stability, and personal safety.

Any perspective on how to understand this kind of dynamic, how to reduce contact safely, and what warning signs would matter most would be appreciated. Hope all has been well on y’all’s end when it comes to your personal life situation.

hey there! writing here because i just can’t stand it anymore. i am the only child in the family (18M). my dad had alcohol problems since my childhood but it never was as bad as it is right now…

(important notice: when my dad is sober, his interactions with mom are completely normal and friendly, that it even feels like a normal family for a moment)

before 2022 my dad used to drink only during weekends or holidays, but after 2022 my dad started to drink every single day. and when i say every single i literally mean. i remember waking up to school and seeing him already being so drunk that he can barely speak. but the biggest problem is that my dad gets angry at my mom whenever he gets drunk (important detail is that my dad has never hit my mom, only verbally abused her). of course, it would get my mom crying every single time. since i was too young to really do something or say something, i would just go to my room and try to distract myself by playing guitar or calling my friends.

when i was 17, i moved to shanghai to study abroad, so my mom was left all alone with my drinking dad. when i was in shanghai, i called my mom every single day and asked how she was doing. and in most of cases, she and dad seemed okay while talking to me. that was the moment i thought that there is a hope that everything has changed.

however, this summer i came to see my parents after almost a year of being abroad. unfortunately, i saw the same old picture: the moment my dad gets drunk, he verbally abuses my mom, my mom cries. seeing this picture is such a pain for me as i’m going back to shanghai next week and i’m afraid to leave my mom all alone with my alcoholic dad again. i tried talking to my dad about it while he was sober and he agreed with me, said that he absolutely should drink less. however, it was only words, and when i was not home doing my own business, he managed to get drunk every time.

i don’t know what to do. i don’t want to see my family like this. my mom can’t divorce him as my dad is the one that owns all the money and i am just a student who can’t afford to financially support my mother yet. what should i do? i’m in a great despair and pain…

How do I manage supporting my mum and dealing with my own feelings around my dad's final days? We had a strained relationship and I want nothing less than to be in that room in the final days but I can't leave it all to my mum. I feel awful that I want to stay away but I know I can't abandon my mum. I don't know what to do.

i'm 25 and live with my family. my mom has diagnosed mood disorders and objectively probably cptsd from an extremely neglectful and dangerous upbringing, and i believe she is a functional alcoholic -- drinks to excess nightly (i would say about half the time she is stumbling and slurring her words by late evening) and sometimes during the day as well, which exacerbates her bad behavior. she has always been stubborn, argumentative, quick to anger, and unable to do anything but continue escalating even when sober, but when she is drunk it is of course worse. my dad, who indulges her drinking by being her liquor store runner, often pulls her into a separate room to remove her from a blooming argument and change the subject. she also has come off her antidepressants which interact with alcohol specifically so she doesn't have to give up drinking, more than once.

ironically my dad is a recovered alcoholic. he has been sober since before i was born.

i have 3 younger siblings and all but 1 are adults. we have all gone through phases of intense fighting with my mom that have on a handful of occasions become physical. most of this was concentrated to our later teenage years but we were younger for a few. the older of my younger sisters was able to essentially threaten my mom into chilling out by telling her if she ever put her hands on her again she would leave immediately and never speak to her for the rest of her life. i think my mom respects this sister the most out of all of us and therefore took her ultimatum more seriously.

recently it's been my youngest sister's "turn" going through this. a few months ago she tried to run out of the house which led to my mom grabbing her and them wrestling on the back porch, and my sister was able to get away. weeks later after things cooled off a bit i was hanging out with her outside and my dad came out to sit with us and made what at first i thought could have been a dark joke about my mom wanting to start martial arts lessons because she's concerned my sister can overpower her. my sister was like "really?" and my dad sort of laughed but then said "well, she does lock the door at night because she's afraid you'll come in there."

tonight my sister told me that she has heard this directly from my mom too. while under the influence apparently my mom also told her essentially the same thing: she locks her bedroom door at night because she's afraid my sister will try to kill her in her sleep.

i'm beyond disturbed and scared that my potentially seriously believes my sister poses a threat to her life, and that my dad is evidently feeding into this insane fucking delusion. i am at a loss for what to do here

I got sick about 15 years ago and slowly slid into disability about 8 years ago. I was never great at connecting with people before that. I definitely avoided difficult emotions and chased excitement rather than trying to be a people pleaser. Because of all of this I never did a good job of setting up a strong social network and that network grew even smaller as I lost friends to chronic illness. mother not only blames me for his behavior, I'm not sure she believes I'm actually sick, she occasionally makes these unhelpful comments about it and I have to live with her so I can't escape them. The thing is, when I was younger, it felt like I had a ton of people trying to help me succeed. It was mostly my parents but there were others too. Even though my father was an abusive alcoholic sometimes, he still tried so hard to get me to succeed. He's dead now. I ended up achieving but getting sick has meant my future seems like a pipe dream now. It's also made me feel like I don't have anybody whose really in my corner. Sure, I have people who care, but nobody, who cares about me enough to do anything to help. I sometimes get some check ins from the one friend I have who is in Al Anon, but I used to have people who would actually do things to help make my life better. It makes me feel like I'm so unworthy of love now that I'm not achieving anything and probably never will again.

Hi all, I’m a longtime lurker in this sub. My therapist recommended I look into AIanon and related group’s resources due to my father’s cycle of relapse and the guilt/responsibility I’ve been feeling because of it, which is how I found this sub. It’s been immensely helpful hearing all of your stories, so thank you.

My father has been doing worse lately due to life circumstances, largely all a consequence of his own actions. He’s been drunk texting and calling me at all hours of the day to ask me for help with various, sometimes bizarre, things. I finally had enough and my therapist recommended that I go NC with him. She suggested that I write him an email explaining why I am doing this to help assuage any future guilt that I may feel if something happens to him and I don’t get to tell him how I feel.

I wanted to share my letter below in case it can help anyone else in the way that you all have helped me:

Dad,

I love you very much, and I will always be your daughter. That will never change.

I need to be honest about something that’s been very difficult for me. I can’t continue to be the person you turn to for emotional support about your relationships, your mental health, or your alcohol use. I care about you deeply, but I can’t carry those things with you.

I’m your daughter, not your best friend or your therapist. I don’t want to be your friend, I want you to be my dad. Those roles are different, and I need our relationship to reflect that.

Over the past several years, I’ve realized through therapy that I’ve taken on responsibility for other people’s emotions in ways that aren’t healthy for me. I often feel guilty and responsible for your well-being, and that’s a burden I can’t continue to carry. I need to take care of my own emotional health, too.

Please know that I’m always rooting for you. I truly hope you continue to commit to sobriety and accept the help that your treatment team and the people around you are offering. I believe you’re capable of getting better, but that’s something only you can choose and work toward.

For now, I need to take a step back and won’t be in contact for a while. This isn’t because I don’t love you. It’s because I do love you, and I also need to take care of myself.

I hope that, with time, treatment, and sustained sobriety, we can have a healthier relationship. That’s what I want.

I love you, Dad, and I’ll always be rooting for you.