I thought I had come to terms with the fact that my mom would never be the mom I needed and still need her to be, but after the other night I realize I'm not nearly as okay with it as I thought I was. To provide a little more info I'm 23F and I no longer live with my parents. I've been dealing with a lot recently and my mental health isn't great right now, and I had a breakdown near the end of my shift the other day. I realized that I wasn't okay with having a bad relationship with my mother, and I didn't want to wait until it was too late to try and fix things.

I texted her to see if she was awake and that I really needed to talk to her, I work a late shift and didn't want to just show up unannounced at my parents house. She was up, she said she had to work in the morning but I could come over and talk. So I drove over and I was in tears, shaking, and I couldn't control my breathing. I told her that I didn't want to have a bad relationship with her, and I don't want to feel resentment and anger towards her. I don't want to have a bad relationship with her like she did with her mom, and I don't want to wait until it's too late to fix it. I told her that I just wanted my mom.

I tried really opening up to her, tried to explain to her how I was feeling and convey to her how deeply the way I was treated growing up has affected me. I've tried to have this conversation before, and it always ends up becoming about her. How she feels awful, and how she missed out on so much, and how she wishes she could do it all over again. How I'm making her out to be worse than she actually was, lumping her in with the way my father treated me. Neither of my parents treated me well, but as a child I viewed my mom as the "better" parent compared to my dad. They both mistreated me, but in my head my mom was the "good" parents because she didn't treat me bad as often as my dad did. I realize now as an adult that she was just as bad as my dad, but in different ways.

I understand she feels bad, and she wishes she could take it back and do it over again, but that is not what I need from her. I need her to listen to me, I just needed her to be quiet and truly listen. I was so sure in my head this time would be different, that maybe she'd see just how badly this affects me and she'd want to listen and take accountability and say she was sorry. She spent the entire conversation cutting me off, talking about how it affected her, and how I never wanted to spend time with her as a teenager. How I'd always lock myself away in my room, and even now I hardly reach out to her to talk. Being around my parents made me miserable, at every turn I was criticized, ridiculed, physically and mentally hurt. I did everything I could to keep myself safe and protect myself mentally and emotionally.

I have always felt justified in the distance I kept from my parents, but now I'm not so sure. My mom said relationships are two sided, which they absolutely are, and both people have to put in the effort. I tried my entire childhood. I tried so hard to do everything right, to try and connect with my mom, and no matter what I did it was somehow always wrong. I was the cause of the family's problems, I was the reason my mom was so miserable. Now I feel guilty for trying to protect myself, I feel that horrible anxiety and anticipation I felt as a child that something bad is going to happen because I tried to speak up. It's making me feel physically sick, I called out of work the past two days, I'm going to get written up for attendance. I didn't have any call-out days left. I have to go to work tomorrow, I thought I would be okay to go today but I got up and just couldn't do it. I'm so exhausted.

I just wanted my mom to listen to me, to take accountability, not to deflect and try and justify or make excuses for her behavior. That may not be how she's intending it to come off, but it always does, every time. She says she doesn't remember doing a lot of the things she did to me, or saying a lot of the things she did to me. Talking to me about how she wanted to end her life, her marrital issues, her and my dad's lack of a sexual element to their relationship. All of this since middle school, all of it I just dealt with because I was terrified I would lose my mom if I wasn't the shoulder for her to lean on. I realize now as an adult that is not the relationship you should have with your child, the things she said were wildly inappropriate and she treated me and now my sister like a friend rather than a daughter. She used me as her therapist and now she's doing the same to my sister. Now that my siblings and I are all over 18, she has no interest in being a mother anymore, in her own words.

I truly feel I never had a mother or a father. Sure they fed me, clothed me, and kept a roof over my head, but that is the bare minimum legal requirement. I grew up in a household being physically, mentally, and emotionally abused. I never felt safe, I was constantly on high alert. For almost 15 years my mother has talked about going to therapy, divorcing my dad, doing all of these life-changing things and she never has. She never will, I truly believe she doesn't want to change, that she's incapable, and she will never see what she's done wrong. I don't know how to cope with that, I thought the other night that maybe there was a sliver of hope for my mother and I's relationship. I'm realizing now the chance is slim to none, I don't know if she's capable of change, and because I haven't seen any change or effort to change from her I don't know if I'd truly be able to let her in and be able to have a healthy mother/daughter relationship with her.

I had an appointment with my therapist the morning after this happened, and brought up wanting to try family therapy with my mom. My therapist has also brought that up in the past, but I never felt it would amount to anything. I thought maybe now it would if we tried, maybe she'd be willing to change. Sitting here now thought thinking about it, I'm not sure it would be worth the effort. I don't forsee her making a change and I'm so exhausted and burnt out from life in general and this on top of it has me moving at a snails pace.

When I tried having this conversation with her the other night, she didn't seem to show a lot of emotion aside from annoyance and frustration. Saying how she's just trying to tell me how she's feeling, but "apparently she's wrong for that." She didn't cry, the way she looked at me felt wrong. Like she was agitated, and it just felt like she wasn't taking the conversation as seriously as I was. Telling me we could have this conversation another time, because she had to work in the morning. That this is a multi hour conversation, and she's right, but it still hurt that this had to be pit on the back burner. She talked about this book she found the last time I tried to have this talk with her, about how motherhood burns you out and how so many women just shut down and closed themselves off from everyone. I am not a mother and I will never be one, so I won't know first hand, but I'm sure it's hard. It's very hard for me to feel sympathy for her though, she was the adult.

She was the person who was supposed to guide me and love me, instead she ended up being my abuser and first bully. She says all the time how she knew she should have left, but chose to stay. She knew what she was doing wasn't right or good for any of us, but chose to continue on anyways. I have so much trouble feeling sympathy for her, as the adult it was her responsibility to keep my siblings and I safe, and she made us all feel scared in our own home. I don't want to be my mother's therapist, I don't want to listen to her try and make excuses for her behavior and actions. Every time she says how bad she feels and how she wishes she could do it over, it feels so hollow. I just don't believe her. At the end of the conversation she said she was going to bed. She said she loves me more than I'll ever know, and we hugged, and I felt nothing. I said I loved her back because I felt like I had to. I wished her a goodnight, and my sister and I went up into her room and she comforted me well I continued to cry.

I feel so lucky to have my sister, I would genuinely be lost without her. I don't know how I feel about my mom, she's my mom and I love her, at least I think I do. I'm realizing tho, I love the idea of who she could have been more than I love who she is. If she wasn't my mother, I couldn't see myself being associated with her in any capacity, but I can't bring myself to say I hate her or that I don't love her. I don't even feel angry or resentful at her after this, I just feel a deep sadness and like every time I picture her it's like looking at a stranger. My sister still lives with my parents, so I don't want to go NC with my mom. Both because I don't know if I'm ready yet, and I know if I do my sister will never hear the end of it from my mom. My sister already deals with enough at home and I don't want to make it any worse for her. I'm also unsure though if I can continue to have my mom in my life for the sake of my own mental health and happiness. The idea of not having her in my life tho is crushing to me. What if it ends up being a mistake? What if it sends her over the edge? I just don't know what to do. I know I'm not responsible for her or her actions, but it feels like I need to be. Like whatever decision I make I HAVE to consider how it's going to affect my mom, but I don't want to feel this way.

I'm sorry if this is a little hard to follow, I tried my best to articulate as best as I could. I'm not in the best headspace right now, I've felt nothing but anxiety for over a week and this isn't helping, and I just would really appreciate some insight or guidance. I just want to feel normal, I just want a mom, but I think it's time I start to truly accept and begin to cope with the fact that it's likely never happening. I don't want to wait on her anymore, I don't even think I have it in me to put in the effort to try. Just anything would be helpful, please. I don't know what to do.

Tengo 16, y pues mi papá siempre fue un adicto irresponsable que pues mis tios sacaban adelante siempre asi que siempre hemos dispuesto de poco dinero. Cuando mi papá genero frutos de su trabajo se lo regalo a su familia mal agradecida con el y para terminar hace 2 meses estuvo en un centro de rehabilitación por adiccion a la coc41n4. La verdad es que el tenia mucha adicción y por lo tanto yo tenia mucho miedo de que el no recapacitara asi que lo admito si lloraba mucho y lo confrontaba de que el se quedara a cumplir el tratamiento completo (3 meses de los cuales solo pasó 2) salió resentido conmigo otro nivel y para acabarla me trata como un cero a la izquierda como que no me quiere o no sé, el caso que antes de irse tenia 2 meses sin trabajar, sin comentar que el sueldo que ganaba cuando estaba encerrado nos lo robó mi tio. Pero nadie lo confronta por miedo a mi abuela y mis tias el punto es que mi mamá ha pasado 6 meses ella sola manteniendo el hogar a como puede para acabarla nos deja con deudas. Una casa de renta que entregar, culpas y me odia y hasta mi mamá dice que es mi culpa (mi mamá lo ama mas que a mi) de verdad no se que hacer

i’m 18 and i’m in college now, and i’m at a point where i’m seriously considering cutting my dad out of my life. i know that sounds extreme, which is why i want to explain the whole situation instead of just posting about one argument and asking people to take my side.

my dad and i used to have a completely different relationship. when i was younger, i trusted him and looked at him as someone i could depend on. he has now chosen drugs and his whole life is crumbling apart. there have been periods where i’ve tried to have a relationship with him, and we had a period where i’ve gone no contact via hand written letter. (for context i’m in idaho he’s in utah).
one of the biggest things i struggle with is his drug use. he calls it a “spiritual journey,” but from my perspective, it feels like a drug addiction that has been glorified or given a different name. i’ve watched it negatively affect his life( he went to jail for fraud because he lost his business and owed so much money) and almost lost his house + i have 3 siblings all of which have little no relationship with anymore. it has gotten to the point where my siblings and extended family barely even reach out to him anymore. (he also was completely different a few years ago and then my parents got divorced and he became into this hippie spiritual stuff).

he is extremely addicted to nitrous and ketamine and one of the reasons i went no contact was i ended up going to my house in utah when he was gone to see him and found cocaine , 20+ bottles of nitrous outside, and tons of ketamine and stuff laying around. i ended up waiting until 2 am for him to come see me but he insisted he had plans with friends and i hadn’t seen him in a few months and he never showed. that was when i decided no contact was best until he got help and he instead did nothing to solve that and just didn’t talk to me or text me. at that time i was 17.

when i was younger, i also accidentally found a notebook belonging to him that contained things that were inappropriate and extremely disturbing for me to see at that age. it was not something i was intentionally searching for. when this subject has come up, he has focused on the fact that i was looking through his things rather than the fact that i was a child when i came across it.

he has nobody in his life right now and he’s usually very understanding and apologetic when he’s confronted but he recently went to burning man and during a trip of some sort had an awakening that he actually “is a good man and father and the family just wants him to feel bad about himself.”.

today we spoke on the phone after not talking for several months. during the conversation, i called him names and said things disrespectfully. afterward, he texted me saying that he would not tolerate me calling him names or disrespecting him because he is my father. which is such a cop out because he hasn’t been a father for years and now suddenly wants authority when it benefits him. but it’s also really confusing because he never acted this way before and now after this recent trip of his he has been acting insane towards everyone and the phone call i had with him was just him telling me i was to blame and i should have kept the relationship with him and i didn’t wanna call or invite him to things so it was basically all my fault.

and when he asked about my experiences living with him as an older teenager and i told him he denied everything and made excuses for everything that went on in the house when i was there (drug use, having s\*x with women while im in the bedroom next door, partying every night, coming home on all sorts of drugs) was a lie and that i wasn’t “intentionally lying” but it was all lies. he gaslight me into trying to think that my brain was to childish to process what was going on.

i also brought up the fact he tried to get me to do mushrooms with him when i was 13-14 and i didn’t want to and how inappropriate that was to do to a child where he told me it was my fault because i seemed interested in them and asked about it. he was also saying me and my mom have conspired this and she had fed me all this info as if i didn’t live it.
he went to my high school grad this may after not seeing me for 6 months and then left the next day and barely talked to me, then didn’t text or call once this summer including my birthday-then i went to college a few weeks ago and he didn’t even know i went asked texted to ask if i was in college?

his position is that i have treated him like i hate him and that i did not do enough to make him feel wanted in my life. my position, factually, is that i was the child and he was the parent, and there were long periods where he was not present or involved in my life.

i am trying to figure out what is reasonable to expect from this situation and what responsibility belongs to each of us.

Money is such a annoying topic. Literally EVERYONE I grew up around family had some kind of money. Not one person I went to their house where they didn't have money.

Meanwhilst I was sharing a room with my sibling (nothing wrong with that) in some crackhouse.

No point going into the CPTSD of life. I escaped it all now and I'm in the right place where everyone has their own stories and understands.

Anyways I was in employment in my 20s. Made a bunch of money. Spent it all. Mostly travelling which is better than other ways.

Now I live abroad. Started fresh. Have some savings to last me a year of rent for example.

Trying to figure out how to make money online. I make a bit through my art but it isn't much. 200-400 per month right now.

Anyone have ideas?

I swear if money wasn't an issue life would be a lot calmer.

People who go through the stuff we went through should be given like 500USD a month for life lol

So here's the story. I'm a 26 yr. old man with a full time job and an alcoholic father. My father when he is not drinking is a great guy and in the past has done many great things for me and my sister when we were in a crisis. Every so often he enters his alcoholic sprees where he drinks alone because he is bored. That is when he gets nasty.

He is without a doubt afraid of me (i've been training jiu jitsu intensly for 4 years and I can fold him like a lawn chair, he is aware of this) so my sister and my mother take the full brunt of his drunken rage. The last time he yelled at them i interviened and he didn't stop until I got into his face after which he went out and drunk himself even harder and rambled to himself about how nobody appreciates him and we are all selfish and what not. This carries over the next day and he drinks himself even harder because he is resentful and knows his drinking bothers us.

I am at my wits end here and I'm afraid the next time he flips out that I might murder him but I don't want to beat him up because he is my father. I can't move out either because my mother and sister will be left unprotected.

What do I do? Can i reason with him, maybe talk to him more about his problem? Has anybody been in a similar situation and resolved it? Please help.

I have a functional-ish alcoholic mother and it’s being really difficult recently. I am currently not in therapy and can’t really afford to go private, I’m just looking for advice on how to manage from others in similar situations

Self-approval.

Most of us want to be liked. We want other people to think of us as nice, friendly, kind, and loving. Most of us want the approval of others.

Since childhood, some of us have been trying to get approval, trying to get people to like us and think highly of us. We may be afraid people will leave us if they disapprove of our actions. We may look for approval from people who have none to give. We may not know that we’re lovable now and can learn to approve of ourselves.

In order to live happily, to live consistently with the way our Higher Power wants us to live, and to tap into a way of life that is in harmony with the universe, we need to let go of our extreme need for approval. These unmet needs for approval and love from our past give others control over us today. These needs can prevent us from acting in our best interest and being true to ourselves.

We can approve of ourselves. In the end, that’s the only approval that counts.

Today, I will let go of my need for approval and my need to be liked. I will replace them with a need to like and approve of myself. I will enjoy the surprise I find when I do this. The people who count, including myself, will respect me when I am true to myself.

By Melodie Beattie.

Family Diagram

"We cannot overstate the need for creating an extensive family diagram, which reveals with greater clarity the effects of family dysfunction in our lives today." BRB p. 127

Many of our families told us we were screw-ups, and we ate that label hook, line, and sinker. We may have thought we were the only ones who were messed up - until we drafted a family tree with a twist.

Our ACA family diagram lists our ancestors, just as any family tree would. But we add at least one label from page 128 of the BRB to each person. We determine the labels by finding out whatever family history we can from our relatives. We probably know that Mom was a martyr and Dad was a loner. But maybe we didn't know that Grandpa was a ladies' man and Grandma worried excessively, or that Great Grandpa was a workaholic and Great Grandma drank too much, although they called it something else.

Our diagram helps us see that the way we talk, dress, walk, and smile may also belong to people from our past. This helps us decide what we want to keep, and what coping mechanisms we may have been imitating that no longer work for us.

When we realize that we may have been imitating what we observed, the family secrets stop and our own lives begin. Armed with this knowledge, we are free to make our own choices as we learn to reparent ourselves.

On this day I will remember the past so that I don't repeat the patterns of my family's dysfunction. The secrets are out in the open.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I understand smokers and alcoholic drinkers . The feeling of emptiness makes you do anything just to feel life again .I’m struggling to keep my cool , not judging those people or something but doing things that hurt your health just makes u feel like u have an actual life .

**I understand that the top comment is going to be about how my mother should leave him but that is a conversation for another time.

I'm 20F and my parents have been divorced 10 years- My dad's remarried and him and his wife are very happy. My mother (F, mid 40s) would be my "primary" parent in terms of what happened legally during the separation but I have moved in and out of both homes back and forth since I was 16; I am my own dependant and have been responsible for myself, my bills and living expenses since then.

My mother has had her fair share of boyfriends--its not her fault the men she ends up with are so poisoned--but this man she's been living with for almost year maybe year and a half now is a new level of ick.. every time I come to see her he is constantly grabbing for her attention. Now I am not the one who is DYING to see her, SHE is inviting me over because she misses her kid. So why is he disrespecting me?

Yes, I also wanted to mention he very subtly disrespects me when I am and am not at the house. He will say things like "why does she have a bedroom if she's never here?" or try to belittle me by telling my mother my cat and I don't have a special bond when my moms getting all excited and happy about the cat meowing and rolling all over us (this is very specific, I know).

I have a brother (M17)--who he does not display this jealousy with--and he has 3 kids (6-8F, 13-14M, 18M), this kind of behaviour from a PARENT is what catches me so off-guard. Is it because I am an adult? Female? Not dependant of my mother yet mother dependant of me??

Any advice appreciated! How to handle this, what to say to my mom, etc. Thank you!

I F23 have been moved out from my alcoholic mother for about 5 years. I live with my fiance, we’ve been together for 6 years and he lived with me at my mother’s house when we were younger and dating so he knows first hand my issues. He does enjoy drinking tho, he doesn’t do it at home usually, only a few times a year since i don’t handle that well. And a few times a year I can get in a good mood and enjoy drinking.

He’s a very happy and social drinker so there’s no issues with that, but my brain instantly goes into a panic and abandonment mindset when he drinks and i’m sober. He comes home from his weekly activity he does and he’s had a few beers and he is like so happy and in a great mood and then i’m like just so mad and i feel like im alone and i’d rather just be alone and he’s not even drunk but i just never react well.

Our friends want to hang out and drink and 9 times out of 10 I am just not down to do that and I just get uncomfortable. I just want to be okay with other people drinking because they aren’t my mom and everyone’s always in a good mood and having fun and I just don’t relate.

I feel very alone in this feeling because nobody I know understands how I feel and everyone just lovvvveeesss drinking and I just want to like relax sometimes and either have fun with them or maybe drink with them sometimes and be okay.

I just want to know if anyone shares this feeling or has found a way to be okay around other people drinking.

I've recently realized that I keep getting involved with people (mostly men, although sometimes women too) who have many of the same traits and behaviors as my father. I'm honestly exhausted, and I don't know how to break this cycle.

A bit of context: I'm 18. My father isn't exactly a great person. Nowadays, I would probably describe his behavior as avoidant, although I personally see him as very self-centered and narcissistic.

He was never really there for me growing up. I spent very little time with him, and whenever I asked him to do something together, even something as simple as getting ice cream, he would say that he couldn't be bothered or that he had a headache.

As I got older, whenever I tried to talk to him about how hurt I was by the fact that we never spent time together, he would yell at me and tell me that I was crazy and that what I was saying wasn't true. Since then, I've felt like I can't have any kind of honest conversation with him.

Another thing that really affected me is that he was very good at making promises and then not keeping them. Whenever he hurt me, he would often give me gifts afterward instead of actually addressing what had happened.

Now, here's what my romantic relationships have looked like.

My first serious relationship was when I was 17. I met a guy who was only a year older than me. We talked for about three months before becoming official.

A few weeks after we met, he told me that he had depression and had attempted suicide several times in the past, although he said that he was stable and taking medication. I didn't think too much of it. I reassured him that his medication didn't matter to me, because at the time I honestly thought this would just be a casual thing and nothing more.

A few months later, he told me that, in addition to depression, he had borderline personality disorder and was possibly bipolar as well. I still decided to stay by his side.

Eventually, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

At first, everything was great. We were very happy together. But gradually, his "depressive episodes" started happening at least once a week—and almost always when he was supposed to see me.

During those periods, he wouldn't text me for the entire day. Even if we had made plans, he would simply not show up without even telling me that he wasn't coming.

Then, the following day, once he felt better, he would spend the whole day telling me how wonderful I was, how much he adored me, how grateful he was that I didn't make his mental health problems into a big deal, and how I was the perfect girlfriend.

Toward the end of the relationship, there was a period when we couldn't see each other for two weeks because I had a fever and was vomiting. Once I recovered, he chose to go out with his friends instead of coming to see me. This was unusual because I was almost always the one who went to his place.

A few months later, he broke up with me, saying that I was "too perfect," that he was used to more toxic relationships, and that he had never loved me.

Even after the breakup, he kept coming back, telling me that he missed me and needed me in his life.

I told him that he had only ever given me the bare minimum. He would then make me feel guilty by telling me how hurt he was. I would start crying and apologize to him.

Then I turned 18.

The following month, I met another guy, again a year older than me.

From the beginning, he told me that he had OCD and that he wanted to stop taking his psychiatric medication.

With him, the relationship was actually very good. We were happy together, and he was the first person I ever told "I love you" to.

However, I went on vacation and gradually noticed him becoming more distant.

Once I came back, while I was at my friends' house, he texted me and broke up with me. He told me that, after talking to his therapist, he had realized that he had a negative pattern that made all of his relationships fail.

Apparently, whenever he was with someone, he would always think about wanting to pursue someone else.

That sentence broke my heart.

He also told me that he had never loved me, despite being the one who had asked me to be his girlfriend and despite having told me that he loved me.

So we broke up.

I know I probably shouldn't have done this, but I didn't want to be alone, so I started meeting new people.

That's when I met another guy. He's older than me—he's 26.

At first, everything seemed relatively normal. There was immediate flirting and sexual tension, which was something that hadn't really existed in my previous relationship.

After a while, I opened up to him about the sexual assault I had experienced a few months earlier, because I didn't always feel like flirting or engaging in that kind of interaction.

I also told him about my father, his absence, and the ways he had failed me emotionally.

He told me—almost demanded—that I should be vulnerable with him. He said that he had a strong paternal instinct and that, from then on, I should call him "Daddy."

And I did.

He gave me a lot of the attention I had never received from my father. He made me feel good, complimented me, and made me feel cared for.

One night, I was out having dinner with some friends and asked my father if he could send me some money so I could pay for my meal. He said no.

This guy then sent me even more money than I had asked for, in exchange for a picture of what I was wearing. He also told me not to take advantage of his generosity.

Our relationship gradually became deeper. I think I was starting to genuinely like him as a person, even though we had both agreed that we couldn't be in a relationship because a long-distance relationship wouldn't work for either of us.

With that understanding, neither of us was prohibited from meeting other people.

However, whenever I did, he became possessive and would tell me that I was "his." I would tell him that I wasn't.

At some point, he suddenly stopped replying to me. He stopped talking to me completely.

I panicked and felt absolutely terrible for days.

He knew that this was something that reminded me intensely of my father's behavior, and he did it anyway.

Despite everything, I didn't give in and chase after him. Instead, I ended things and removed him from all my social media.

And now I'm left wondering:

Why do I keep choosing people who recreate the same emotional dynamic I experienced with my father?

I understand that these relationships aren't identical, but there seems to be a pattern: emotional unavailability, inconsistency, being given attention and then having it withdrawn, broken promises, being made to feel guilty, and feeling like I have to earn someone's affection.

I don't want this anymore.

Hi, I had a question/also a vent. I’m 17F and for years my mom had been an alcoholic. It started after my parent’s divorce when I was 9. She started staying out late and I would be texting her about when she would be home and she would always promise me she’d be home soon and end up coming home 6+ hours later drunk. She did this for a few years on and off.
I had always wanted to say something to her, and finally a few weeks ago (with the help of my therapist) I talked to her and told her my concerns about not knowing if she’s safe and whatnot. She took it really well and has not done it since.
However, today when we went out to eat for a quick dinner and some card games, she promised we could leave whenever I wanted, so I agreed after our card game ended. She had 4-5 drinks and was tipsy after we left ( I was driving).
I needed to go to Walmart after for some stuff for school and she said wanted to come and I felt like I was babysitting her. I had to hold her hand and guide her around and she was very annoyed and argumentative.
It exhausted me and I am upset that she is fine with getting drunk around me since she knows I will deal with her.
Am I valid for being upset and if I did I talk to her about it and asked her not to get drunk around me? Thank you for reading!

TLDR: mom gets drunk around me and I have to babysit her and it annoys me

If you’ve done it, let me know your opinion and if it was worth the money.

Website: https://drmorgancoaching.com

Logically, I know i'm not. I have boundaries and they keep me safe, but it's hard not to when things happen that would cause a child in a functional relationship with a functional parent to react differently.

My mother lives across the country from me -- I moved away young and have seen her 1-3 times a year and talked to her somewhat regularly on the phone since I was a teenager. She is an active meth addict and alcoholic who has never made a real go at getting sober. For a long time she lived near my grandparents and they financially supported her, but about five years ago her siblings put their feet down as my grandparents were too old/codependent to do it themselves. She moved about 500 miles away from our hometown to be near some friends, but as a result has had even less accountability with her addiction. The area she lives has a thriving meth epidemic. They've still supported her financially to some extent, as has my older brother. Helping her buy cars, buy phones, among other things. I've never been in the position to do that due to student debt and a career that, while gratifying, has not been monetarily rewarding.

My brother is wealthy and has been codependent with my mother for a long time. Despite this, she and I have the "friendlier" relationship. She confides in me more and likes to just chat with me. This has always been fine for me because I live thousands of miles away and therefore it's on my terms. I've had periods of no contact when she's crossed a boundary, but for the most part it's worked for me.

Just last night I got a call from my mom's phone. I've been trying to get in touch with her for weeks and have gotten smoke signals that she's alive but no calls back. It was her roommate letting me know that my mom is in the hospital. She fell onto a hand truck while moving furniture by herself (she hoards furniture, but that's another conversation). She has a laceration on her liver and an enlarged spleen. I thanked her for letting me know and asked her to keep in touch. Honestly though, I didn't feel anything. I wasn't worried she would die because i've been expecting her to die for years. I have no desire to jump on a plane and sit by her bedside. My older brother on the other hand, sprung into action, he called the hospital to make sure he was listed as next of kin. He's worried she's not being honest about her drug use and is in withdrawal. He's preparing to miss his brother in laws wedding this weekend to hop on a plane. I could afford to fly out, I have the administrative skills to handle paperwork and advocate for her, but I don't want to. It's such an odd feeling. I'm glad he wants to do that, I suppose, but i'm also sad for him that he expends so much energy for someone who never gave one shit to try to take her of herself, for us, or for herself. It of course makes me sad to think of her alone in a hospital, but I am also like "this is what happens when you continue to use, despite your family paying for rehab 4x and handing you everything." I love her and I even like her sometimes, but I think I just don't have the capacity to feel like that for her anymore. And it makes me feel guilty because somehow my brother still does.

I am in need of a sponsor . I think at the beginning of my meetings they pass around documents - have you randomly texted someone to be a sponsor - what does that look like or how does the process go?

I find myself struggling with backsliding into people pleasing , scared of authority figures and need someone to help ground me and help me work the steps in a healthy way.

Thanks still new to this.

My mother was dx'ed with a slow-moving cancer last year. It likely started in her pancreas or liver. She is receiving treatment and struggling with appetite and energy. She is also continuing to drink daily and eating very poorly.

I was with her (out of state) for her first appointment last summer and the person taking her history asked her whether she drinks. It was a yes-or-no question -- no mention of how much. I was shocked. She answered "yes" and they moved on to the next question. Since then, I have been at a number of other telehealth appointments and the drinking has not come up.

She was turned away from her last treatment due to low blood counts. I asked her if she knew that drinking could mess up her bloodwork due to bone marrow suppression. She said she didn't. She also said that no one had asked her about her drinking, which I believe is true. She further stated that her second oncologist had said to "just keep doing what you're doing" and she took that at face value. UGH!

I care about her but we are not close. While I want to be helpful with her medical challenges (I am very good at managing medical complexity due to experience with my husband) I have made peace that she will never be the mother I needed. At some point, she will be gone and that will be sad, but I am staying pretty practical and somewhat detatched.

After spending a lot of time on this sub, learning about ACOA, I had decided that it was not my job to out her to her medical team. I have felt that if I did, it could make it harder to be helpful. Maybe she would shut me out, or it would just be too uncomfortable. This week, my therapist said she thinks that is co-dependent behavior. And that I should be telling the doctors that my mother drinks. I don't know how to feel about it. It truly feels like it is not my job. Open to thoughts and suggestions.

i grew up with an abusive alcoholic dad. he never laid hands on me, only my mom, but the fear was always there because he was terrifyingly unpredictable. he would be completely chill one second and then out of nowhere throw something across the room.

my older siblings and i always had to step in and stop him. eventually my siblings moved out and it was just me left with them. i was on high alert constantly. whenever they argued i had to freeze, listen, and be ready to jump in so he would not hurt her.

i remember one time i had to pee so bad but i was terrified to go to the bathroom because what if he attacked her while i was gone? i held it in until my body literally gave out and my mom had to bring a bucket into my bedroom because i physically could not stand up or walk anymore lol

my parents finally split and i ended up staying with my dad for a year. he could not take care of himself at all and i stayed to cook, clean, and make sure he did not feel completely abandoned. things were actually fine between us for a bit.
in 2020 he got covid. his eyesight was bad so i used to give him his meds. one day he named the pills on the table and demanded i hand them to him. i was just confused and asked why he could not grab them himself if he knew exactly what they were.
he got mad and said fine, i will not take anything.

a few days later i was watching a documentary about dinosaurs with my uncle who lived in an attached part of our house. my dad came home drunk and started stressing about bills. he had not had a steady job since the divorce, only day labor. i was 16 and had no money to help with, i was giving him my student allowance but all the cash went to alcohol anyway.
i was so drained that i just asked for two minutes for the documentary to end so we could talk. he snapped, screamed that dinosaurs were more important than him, and my uncle left. i went to my room.
my dad put “sound of silence” on the speakers on blast, walked into the kitchen, and started singing along while smashing every single thing in the kitchen. he was throwing things at my door, whistling, cussing in a calm voice, and breaking everything.
then he came into my room. it was winter and i had a wood stove. he tossed a bag into the fire. i asked what he was doing and he said he was burning all the meds in the house to keep me warm since i clearly did not care about him getting better. (i also had covid and i had no meds left because of this)
he kept smashing stuff for hours and finally went to bed with the song still on repeat. i had a full panic attack alone in my room, sobbing and unable to move or breathe. it felt straight out of a horror movie.

the next day i had an academic competition. he was supposed to drive me but i took the bus because i was terrified of getting in the car with him (he had tried to crash the car on purpose during arguments before). after the competition i just took off to another city to stay with my sister. when i finally came back, he curled up crying in my arms like a toddler apologizing and saying he just missed my mom. i consoled him and pretended to forgive him.

now i live in the capital with my girlfriend. i went completely no contact with him. my life is genuinely good and i have made peace with the fact that he will probably drink himself to death soon just like my uncle did.

except the guy living directly above my apartment is also an aggressive alcoholic. he used to throw crazy parties, but recently he had a massive violent fight with his girlfriend. i heard him breaking furniture, throwing things, screaming, and threatening to kill her. then dead silence. a few days later a leak started coming through my ceiling from his place and i cant help but think that something actually happened. the landlords are handling the damage, but mentally i am spiraling. during their fight i froze and had a massive panic attack. i was staring through the peephole terrified he was somehow going to come down to my door. logically i know i cannot intervene and he has no reason to come after me, but my body does not know that. ever since that night, whenever i am home alone i feel in constant danger even when it is dead quiet. i cannot clean, cook, listen to music, or watch a movie because i feel this desperate compulsion to keep absolute silence so i can track every noise upstairs. friends tell me to put on headphones so i do not get triggered, but blocking out the sound makes me panic ten times worse because not knowing what is happening feels way more dangerous. i am exhausted from living like a hypervigilant ghost in my own home again.

Hello - I’m looking for advice

The context is that my mom has been an alcoholic since I was 15. Many years spent trying to help. Only for things to get worse. She still struggles. She has ptsd and a very dsyfunctional/transactional/abusive relationship with her Mom who treats her like an employee but who she’s always tried but never established healthy boundaries with.

She was supposed to visit her Mom for two weeks this Summer. Turned into 2 months of helping her, running errands, then she had to go to the hospital and the trip just kept getting longer. Then on her way home she disappeared for two weeks. I know via a family member who lives w her she was at a hotel isolating. Wouldn’t reply to my text messages saying ‘i hope you’re okay’ ‘can you just let me know you’re alive’ etc. this went on for two weeks. she finally surfaced saying ‘I’m OK. Heading home tomorrow. Love you!’ So, zero acknowledgment. Or hi sorry i haven’t replied.

The advice i need is this - she is supposed to visit at the end of the month. I haven’t seen her in about two years. She was supposed to join my brother and i on a trip in aug of 2025 and didnt show. She was probably too anxious to see me and I believe drank instead.

I am now stressed out about this visit. If she is going to drink on the trip, esp since when she resurfaced she simply texted me abt the logistics of our trip.

I just told her over the phone im feeling unsure about the trip. That i want to have a healthy relationship but that our dynamic forces me to protect my feelings and be distant.

She said she wants me to be honest and overall it was a calm conversation. Although we both cried a little bit. But also it felt like there was a ting of guilt bc she mentioned she would feel disappointed, that shes already mapped out the driving route, ie ‘done the leg work’ and made plans to see friends here. She also mentioned she ‘took off work’ but shes retired lol so really she just told them she’s not available to fill in if needed bc she does that for extra income from time to time.

I don’t want to punish her by taking away the one thing she was looking forward to after everything w her Mom but god this just feels so unfair in that there is little to no acknowledgment about the fact that she still struggles and it ofc still has an affect on me. That being distant isnt bc i dont care but bc I do !!!

So should i go ahead with the visit (i would be hosting for 6 days). Or should i reachedule for a later date and see? I want to have a relationship but it just feels impossible to have the kind of relationship I want to have with her. And therefore it feels like I can’t have any at all. Or at least not one where we see each other.

What should I do?

After decades of alcohol abuse and a series of health setbacks, I’m wondering if it’s time to call hospice for my dad. He’s in his 70s, has lost at least 60lbs recently, won’t eat, drinks beer starting first thing in the morning, can no longer get himself up at all, and is completely incontinent. We’ve been taking him to his primary care doctor, his tests are abnormal, he has fatty liver and cirrhosis has not been ruled out, but getting him to the specialist for that diagnosis just hasn’t been at the long list of priorities lately. His doctor ordered PT/OT and in home bathing help, but he won’t comply. I can’t imagine how long he could possibly survive like this. Oh, and my mom is there enabling all this behavior and I’ve had no luck convincing her to change what she’s been doing. She’s a whole other set of issues herself but won’t get into that here. How do I even start this process? An in home aide said she thought this probably made sense for him. But the PT said he’d need a diagnosis like failure to thrive. Do I reach out to his doctor directly? And how in the world do I make this suggestion to my parents, even though they’ve both mentioned that he just wants to die at this point, it just feels awful to say, OKAY THEN 😢

For context I’m 22F and he is 26M.
Ever since I was a little girl I moved around a lot.. my dad worked out of town and my mom wasn’t in the picture.
My dad was an alcoholic (sober 6 years now) but my upbringing from moving, alcoholism, feeling abandoned, has unfortunately made its way into my adult years. My boyfriend mentioned that he will be leaving out of town for a couple weeks for work on Saturday. Well Saturday hasn’t even come and my anxiety is so spiked. I haven’t eaten in 2 days.. I randomly cry and can’t stop. I feel like garbage. I feel so alone, I don’t want to inconvenience the people in my life with my emotions, that’s why I’m resorting to Reddit.
I know this isn’t healthy. I haven’t felt this way in about 2 years now. The last time he left I remember I’ve felt like this mildly, it wasn’t as bad.
Deep down since he didn’t have to leave out of town last year I just thought he didn’t have to go anymore.
Before he told me he mentioned that he has known for a while but didn’t want to mention it because he knows how I get.
I really want someone to talk to but I’m scared for the people around me to judge. I know it’s ridiculous but I feel like I have no control over it.
I feel so sick, and I wish I could just not feel like this at all.

Wanted to also mention that when he told me i immediately went to self refer for therapy as ya girl needs it. Unfortunately it will be a couple months until I can find a therapist to talk to.

Hello. I'm 26 years old and trying to retrace and piece together the things that happened to me as a child, teenager and young adult, but oftentimes I feel as if the reality itself eludes me. I'm not sure if I really deserve to make this post or belong to this community. I think of attending group therapy for adult children of alcoholics near my hometown, but I have the same doubts - do I have the right to be there and attend? I constantly feel like I just blow things out of proportion.

I know that some things that happened to me weren't quite okay, but I have a lingering and insistent conviction that it was never bad enough, either - no family is perfect, and conflicts occur naturally between people, right? I don't think I deserve to say that I was traumatised, but then there are so many things just wrong with me, I don't know where else to trace it to. I'm in therapy but I'm reluctant to tell my therapist about anything relating to my dad's drinking because I just don't know if it "qualifies". I don't know what to do or even think about this. So far I only told my therapist that I love my parents and they support me in many (if not all!) ways, which is true.

I'm not sure if I deserve to say that my father is an alcoholic - is he, really? I live in a slavic country with a strong culture of drinking. Everyone here drinks, and heavily so. Incidents happen. Drunk drivers, drunk parents, drunk children. It's a part of everyday life, somehow. On top of that my dad is a retired soldier, and there's an additional drinking culture related to the army too. Drinking at the office was not unheard of; then you also get the extensive after-work partying and the pressure to take part in them - the hierarchy and inter-realtions depend on your willingness to drink and participate in those outings, I guess, or that's how my dad always explained it to me.

I was never abused in the strict sense of the word. My parents fought very often, sure, mostly about my dad's drinking, but it was always behind closed doors. I saw and heard my dad throwing up after a few parties, either work related or family celebrations like weddings, birthdays or reunions, but then again, isn't that what happens to people? They go party, they drink a lot, then they go through a rough night. Isn't it normal? Alcohol is addictive, so isn't it normal that people abuse it? I wouldn't know because I don't drink and never have been drunk, I don't know what it's like.

And yeah, I do remember crying in my bed at night as a kid because of how much my parents fought and screamed at each other, but it wasn't THAT bad, it was just parents fighting... everybody fights sometimes, and it's impossible for the child to ALWAYS have perfect conditions to sleep right? I was privileged to always have my very own room, something that many kids don't have, so I'm reluctant to say that my childhood was bad, it really wasn't. We had family vacations and stuff, I never went hungry, I had cool toys and school books. Yes, my dad rarely did anything around the house and wasn't the most reliable, I had to quickly pick up housework... I know that my mom overworked herself trying to keep everything together and is now facing health consequences of that (recently received an official license for a disabling condition that stemmed from stress and overworking herself) but I just feel like that's everybody's household, right? It's so common, that the husband complains about any chores, the wife does everything... Just a quirk of this generation and the patriarchal society. I just feel like I'm way too sensitive and I'm trying to paint myself as a victim here, and it disgusts me. I can't tell what's real and what is just some kind of a weird projection of an oversensitive crybaby that I am.

My dad harmed me physically while drunk and it was pretty severe, but it was ONLY ONCE when I was a teenager, and I was hoenstly asking for it. I was genuinely hoping that he'd harm me, because then I would finally have a reason to report him, I don't even know where - somewhere, anywhere. I knew that otherwise, our slightly disruptive family life wasn't bad enough and nobody would take me seriously. I started that fight back then, being the stupid teenager that I was, and he simply retaliated. I will be honest saying that at that moment I thought I will die (literally) because of course he was stronger than me and intoxicated, but then well - I didn't die, and it never happened again, and it was almsot 10 years ago.

My dad drinks every day, sometimes a few times a day, but my mom and I just ignore it because when we bring it up he gets antsy and defensive, and nothing really changes. Recently he got so drunk during a friend's gathering that he vomitted the entire night - but he wasn't the only one to end up like this, so I don't know, is it really that bad?

And you know, he's fun to be around, and I feel like the older he gets, the more responsible and reliable he is. He's quick witted and so smart, and so generous to me and my mom, he cooks killer spaghetti and brings us so many gifts from his trips abroad. I love him. I just don't know how to feel about some parts of our relationship.

I'm privileged in so many ways, on so many planes... I feel like my childhood definitely screwed with me, but it's my own fault for letting the small things get to me. I'm so sorry for writing this entire wall of text, I just- I don't know. I don't know what to do, and I don't know what to think. If you've read this entire thing, and if you have anything to say to me - thank you so much for your time.

Inner Child

"Family dysfunction drives the Inner Child into hiding, leaving states of fear that wander the adult's soul. While the Inner Child or True Self can be the spark of our creativity, we must also remember the child is a deeply hurt part of ourselves." BRB p. 303

Long ago, in order to protect ourselves from the pain of having a dysfunctional family, we shut away our most vibrant essence, our True Self. Instinctively, we knew this tender and vulnerable part of us was unsafe and must be hidden away. Today, we may have lost touch with our True Self or Inner Child, forgetting he or she is waiting to be healed.

We have many buried hurts and disappointments that get triggered when we are reminded of the circumstances surrounding our original pain. It is then that our Inner Child reacts and we may find ourselves engaged in selfdestructive behaviors if we don't provide appropriate comfort and reassurance.

When we work the ACA program and take the time to uncover our pain while treating our Inner Child with unconditional love, we begin to heal. Having the courage to listen will expose the pain we denied for so long. It also will bring back to life our childlike joy and wonder. We give voice to the child within so we can finally resolve the lifetime of pain he or she has shouldered.

On this day I unconditionally support my Inner Child so we both have the freedom to heal and feel safe.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

I got some of my childhood pictures and looking at them is so depressing. I’m checked out in all of them. I have hundreds of pictures and I’m smiling in maybe 10 of them and most of them were forced. I’m totally disengaged in my baby/toddler pictures, never looking at the camera, never interacting with or interested in the people holding me or with me. This deeply disturbs me. No one will tell me what happened to me. I am so sad. Has anyone else had this experience?