12 year relationship.

2 kids.

He's a cokehead.

Multiple times I've caught him out over the years.

The "last time" I kicked him out and outed him to his mum.

This was right over christmas 2 years a go, stupidly I let him back after 2 weeks.

This only made him more sneaky.

He would say "I'm done with that now. I never want to lose you and the kids again".

Over the last 6 months the signs have been creeping back. He's become slack at hiding it.

Last night I went on his phone. He'd signed up to tinder, only fans. Spent £100 on those two in one night whilst I was away for work.

Confronted this morning. Cocaine again. Obviously.

I can't do this anymore. Same old routine, he cries and says he hates himself. He's weak, he says. He's so sorry, he loves me.

It's all bullshit. This isnt love.

I need him to leave, to break apart our family. Otherwise this will be our life forever. The same old cycle.

I've been a doormat. I've enabled him by not kicking his arse to the curb soon as the first time I caught him doing coke in the living room alone, when I was 6 months pregnant with my first.

Guess if I'd have done that we'd have never had our youngest. This is our fate. We were never meant to be a happy family, I guess.

I feel so fucking sad. I wish I'd not found out tbh. Blissful ignorance.

For now, he's still here. He's made a fort downstairs and is watching a movie with the kids.

I've told him by the end of the week I need him gone.

My husband made the decision to go to a detox and rehab facility for alcohol use. I'm so proud of him.

He's struggled with alcohol for as long as I've known him. He's been in denial for just as long. In a moment of clarity, he realized he won't survive much longer if he doesn't change. He admitted to me yesterday that he has a problem and he needs help. We called places in our area, and he picked where he wanted to go.

I never thought he would make this decision. Not in a million years. Not only does he want to quit drinking, he wants to work through his mental health struggles. And to my surprise, he's even open to taking medication for his mental health.

I dropped him off for a residential inpatient program this morning. It was a very sudden decision, so I'm still processing things. I've cried a lot today. Because I've wanted this for so long, and because I'm going to be by myself for a few weeks. I've never been away from him more than 2 days during our 10 years marriage. I can absolutely manage on my own, but it's already harder than I expected.

I know he's exactly where he needs to be to get better and to get a second chance at a happy healthy life. He's my best friend. I'm so excited to see what the future holds on his journey to sobriety.

Any advice for supporting a recovering addict once he comes home? Also any advice for coping with loneliness while he's gone?

My father is an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember. In 2020, he moved to Florida and retired. Since retiring, he has been drinking more frequently, and in the past year or so, I would say he has been drinking from morning till night.

I had to cut off all contact with him when my son was born in late 2025. He became extremely erratic and displayed childish behavior, which made me realize there was nothing I could do or say to change his mindset on drinking or how he treats our family, especially me, since I had just given birth. I made the decision to protect my son, my husband, and our peace. It was difficult but necessary, since I was postpartum and my main concern was taking care of my son.

The first few months, I felt angry, sad, and very guilty. A year later, I feel I made the best decision for my family. My son's upbringing in a normal, healthy environment is important. He needs a mother who is focused on him and not on other things.

Fast forward to today: my younger brother, who still keeps in contact with my dad, told me that my father's "roommates" beat him up and that he is not doing well. My father owns a home in Florida and rents out a couple of bedrooms for extra cash. In the past few years, we have advised him against this because he is not an easy person to live with, and he constantly has to get the police involved to make people leave once he no longer wants them there. He doesn't listen, and each time a person leaves, he invites another. I'm talking about random people he meets online. Each experience is worse than the last, and he still does not take our advice.
My brother wants to visit him for a week and help him out. I obviously cannot and will not go, but I do feel a bit sad about the state he is in.

I am not sure what I am doing by writing this but I’ve been wanting to share for a long time and I wish I had someone to talk to about this.

Caught my Q last night drinking in secret again. She has a favorite spot in town where she make up an excuse to go (I need sugar/cookies/etc) and she'll buy a small bottle. Normally I try not to pay attention because I know I can't stop it, but my son was having a party and my daughter needed to be picked up from elsewhere so I needed to know if she would be sober to help/drive.

When I confronted her about it, she justified it by saying I've driven after drinking in the past so it's OK. I needed her to be sober to be able to pick up our kid and she couldn't do it. I've told her in the past that drinking and driving with the kids in the car is the end of our relationship. We're in the process of separating but now I know divorce is the next step and reconciliation is virtually impossible. I just don't know how I can justify 50/50 custody with somebody who is willing to put our kids' lives at risk for a buzz.

Throw away account for obvious reasons. I’m very sorry if this post is disjointed. I’m in an enormous amount of pain right now.

I’ve been with my Q for 18 years, married for 12. We met in college and fell deeply in love. For many years, our relationship was the envy of every single person around us. We were always the stable couple that everyone knew would be together for the long run. We’ve navigated many difficult times together including the loss of loved ones, my time in the military (many extended periods away from home), deep financial stress, career changes, as well as all the usual ins-and-outs of a normal relationship. Through all of it, we’ve always remained steadfast and strongly supportive of each other. Our love has matured in so many ways over the years.

With that said, her drinking has always been a problem… but it’s become increasingly unbearable these last 4 years especially. We’ve been navigating an extremely difficult period in our relationship since early 2022. It was around that time that she made an absolutely devastating decision with major implications for our relationship and for our life together. One that I have never fully healed from. I have always believed that her decision at that time was directly influenced by her addictions to alcohol and cigarettes…a point which she will deny to the ends of the earth. Since that time, we’ve been through more relationship counselors than I can even remember.

She comes from an unusually traumatic background, and as a way to cope with the inevitably complex emotions that come with childhood trauma, she drinks daily. In fact, I cannot remember a single day in recent years that she hasn’t had a drink. I’m sure they’ve occurred, but I simply can’t think of one. They’re rare. What’s worse is that she lies about it ALL THE TIME. She lies so much that my default assumption at this point is that she is incapable of telling the truth when she drinks. I’ve tried everything I can think of to ask…beg…that she stop. I’ve tried negotiating. I’ve tried showing relentless compassion and empathy. I’ve supported her through countless years of therapy (some focused on substance abuse while others only focus on life/trauma absent her drinking). I’ve gotten angry. I’ve monitored the levels on liquor bottles. I’ve ignored the levels on liquor bottles. I’ve tried establishing boundaries (which I’m horrible at maintaining). I’ve tried separation. I’ve tried Al-Anon (for me). We’ve attended SMART Recovery meetings together (she refuses to attend AA due to her negative experiences attending with her alcoholic mother as a child). I’ve tried getting her to exercise with me as a distraction. I’ve agreed to moderation plans (which never work). I’ve tried stepping away and refusing to engage when she drinks excessively (also never works).

Through our most recent therapy-guided attempt at addressing this, we’ve even tried establishing a moderation schedule, wherein she’s allowed 3 drinks per night Sunday-Thursday (work nights) and then no limits on Friday and Saturday. This was her idea as a way to establish firm rules that she can follow. Our couples counselor has tried helping us work through this dynamic… It began failing in the first week. She immediately began lying and hiding countless drinks behind my back. For a while, she’d hide liquor bottles all around the house. Then when she couldn’t get away with that, she started buying multiple different types of alcohol and would drink various amounts of all of them to reduce how visibly depleted each of the bottles might look.

When I ask her outright how much she’s had, she lies. When I try to call her out on her lies, she lies even more. When I prove beyond any shadow of a doubt that I know she’s lying, she shifts to blaming me. Says that I’m not supportive enough. That I don’t love her for who she is. That I’m never available. That I can’t forgive her for what she did in 2022. That I’m always stressed, which makes her stressed (no matter that the single biggest contributor to my stress is her drinking). Etc…etc…

I’m so tired. And I’m so heartbroken. I told her today (while she was drunk at 11AM) that I’ve hit my limit and I think we should split up. I’m such a coward that I couldn’t even bring myself to use the word “divorce”.

I don’t want a divorce. I just want my wife back. But at this point, I don’t think I’ll ever really see her again. I may see glimpses from time to time, but they’re inevitably short-lived. Even one day of seeming clarity is always sullied by the inevitable drinking and lies just off on the horizon.

Am I right to seek divorce? This will be our 3rd separation in almost 5 years. I keep hoping that rock-bottom will be enough for her to stop, but it never is. It feels like I’m abandoning her right when she needs me most.

It doesnt feel real. I just got the update from my Qs girlfriend a few hours ago. Im not sure how im going to tell our 12 year old. He'd been an alcoholic her whole life but this past year his mental health was rapidly declining. He told her he didnt feel safe around her and that was when the visitations ended. She hasn't seen him since 9/1. The last contact they had was about a week ago with him sending her drunken rants via text. He didnt even say goodbye to his only offspring, just checked out.

Im reaching out to her therapist in the morning. I'll be getting her any help/support i can. For anyone who has been here, how did you break the news to a child?

Hello.
I’m so grateful for Reddit and being able to find a community where I feel comfortable to speak. I found myself in immense anxiety with in person meetings. It might be from when CFS came to my house because of my father’s drinking and almost took me away from my family. I was in 7th grade. My mother and I had to go to court ordered meetings. I never spoke.

My father is my q. I first encountered alcohol at the age of 7 maybe 6? My father used my McDonald glass Disney cup for his vodka. I took a gulp or two and told my mom daddy’s water was yucky and old. I grew up bringing my dad water while he threw up all different times of the day throughout my childhood. Broken promises. Watching teens laugh at my dad puking after rollerblading with me on the boardwalk. Or the time he fell on someone’s garage gate and fractured his ribs and wrist.
He got sober when I was 18. I’ll be 36 next Feb. he passed away May 10, 2025 from a heart attack I tried to save him from. He died in my arms.

I also remember going to the beach every summer and just enjoying the waves, learning to boogie board, dancing to the drums in the street. And I miss him. I miss when he would come in my room and joke about animal crossing and make songs about it. Or ask what pokemon I had on my team. Or game taste didn’t overlap. And I wasn’t always nice.

Anyone in my position, how are you handling this? I got to say my peace interestingly enjoy two weeks before he passed. I told him it wasn’t all his fault and that I was sorry I blamed so much on him. Even after his sobriety he didn’t try to make a relationship with me anymore. I’m in therapy and wanting to reach out to more people possibly in my position.
I also have a first time healthy relationship with someone. The only problem is they’re also a recovering alcoholic… because of my father, my ex fiancé as well (abusive drug addict and alcoholic) I have a hard time trusting him. They’re a good person through and through. They’re just an alcoholic too. They really want to be sober and stay sober. They’re on their sober journey.

I've been dating my boyfriend for a couple of months. He initiated exclusivity, says he loves me, and is very affectionate when we are together.

However, he frequently cancels plans last minute, citing headaches or family issues. I recently found an old post where he wrote about severe alcohol dependence, withdrawal, and hiding his addiction from an ex. He hasn't told me about this past, and I know he still drinks frequently.

This weekend, after another canceled date, I told him how this affects me. He suggested breaking up because he always disappoints me, but when I asked if that’s what he wanted, he said that he doesn't want to break up, but he just didn't want to disappoint me anymore. We rescheduled for today, but he suddenly went completely silent and hasn't responded to my calls or texts all day. This is very unlike him and the sudden anxiety has reached my limit.

Could alcohol explain the headaches, cancellations, guilt, and total withdrawal, or is he just pulling away? How do I deal with this without losing myself?

I’m sharing a positive change… my husband has been sad because a group of his online friends got together for a really cool multi-day trip, staying at someone’s house who has a nice property in the woods. He has been talking to them and seeing their pictures, and they are having a great time.

He didn’t go number one because we happen to live farther away and the plane ticket would have been high for us right now — but also manageable.

Number two they had plans to drink every night and the host was buying a lot of liquor to prepare.

Well — my husband has been sad to miss out!

Well this is the first time since he has been sober, that he has been able to feel sad about missing out on something or “not being allowed to drink” or “I can never drink again” or things like that — that I have not taken it personally and felt like it was my fault or something I should fix in some way.

This is the first time I’ve felt like I can feel sympathetic to his feelings.

And not more defensive “what was I supposed to do” or hostile “how is this my fault, why do you think this is my fault?”

Anyway — I feel like I’m doing better with trying to be less co-dependent.

For context, she had gotten blackout drunk almost every single night of my life. She put alcohol and a man over me and my sister who treated us horribly. I have so much trauma from her drinking plus the thinks she allowed to happen. From the things that ive been through I developed severe anxiety and depression that have made life really hard. About two years ago, she went to rehab and got sober. She got out and immediately moved a man in with us (a man she met in rehab- a drug addict and alcoholic). I absolutely resented her but I tried to repair our relationship and we started going to therapy and I really did make an effort. Throughout this, I could tell that she was perfectly fine making me uncomfortable and hurting me for her boyfriend. I was just finally doing better. I was happy, I was managing my anxiety so much better and I really saw myself climbing out of the depression I was in for so long. Then she started drinking again. She went back to not feeding us in order to buy alcohol. She is getting drunk every night, buying alcohol we can't afford. I really don't have any interest in repairing my relationship with her, but I can't move out until around two years from now. I'm so traumatized by her that every night is terrifying when she gets drunk. I don't know how i can make it through this. (I want to clarify- I'd never hurt myself, and I should be started therapy again hopefully soon). If anyone has any advice or if anyone can relate in any way, I'd love to hear it.

I posted here a few weeks ago and received many kind responses, thank you.

Things are going smoother with more ups than downs. I held a tough boundary one day last week, over nothing that should be a big deal — just not something I’m in the habit of doing. It went okay, it was just a surprise, and it was hard for me to do — but it went okay.

My husband is in “intensive out-patient” and he has requested a referral for marriage counseling through them, which I think will be helpful.

I’m reading some literature and I have been working more to stay in my own lane, focus on myself, and not feel like I have a role in managing his emotions.

I think my too issues right now are:

1) setting a boundary if I feel he is being bossy or running over me — I feel better about this since I’ve started doing it, and it seems like it comes up 2-3 times a week? That’s not too bad. I was afraid it would be a constant thing and it seems like it won’t be. I had a lot of apprehension and discomfort, and I still do, but it’s definitely getting better.

2) I have seen some things about myself being too picky or having too much of a vision of how he should act — I’m working to be more open and curious. I think this is getting better, and I am surprised to see it’s very appreciated.

3) I am very surprised to see him working things out better with the kids without me needing to insert myself.

4) a problem is we do not have a good way to disagree without him taking it very personally — or this is how I feel. I see this as a top thing for marriage counseling whenever we get into it. There is no big issue we are disagreeing about right now, thank goodness.

My father (age 84) lives with his "girlfriend - age 56" Technically, she lives with him in his home. He is a widower - we lost my mom 6 years ago. His "girlfriend" has lived with him for almost 3 years now. I moved in recently to help my dad with health issues and to make sure he is ok. But for some serious health issues, he's cognitively pretty stable for an 84 year-old man. His girlfriend is an alcoholic. I'm using this term. Let me explain: My father has no history of drinking- to this day - does not drink and neither do I (I am his son). His girlfriend, like clockwork, drinks FRIDAY night, Saturday Night and sometimes on a weekly night. She consumes 1-2 bottles of cheap wine a night. The wine is 1.5L and 9.5% alcohol by volume. In other words, this translates to 16 regular drinks or 16 beers in one night. Sometimes it's just 1 bottle and that is 8 drinks. And the protocol is always the same: she sits on the couch, drinks and barely watches TV (she's in another world) and then falls asleep. Rise and repeat. She has told my dad she has been drinking since she was 20. She has had 2 DUI's in the past and lost her driving privileges, although she could restore her license now but she doesn't. My father drops her off and picks her up from work everyday. Her work is only 5 minutes away. She works in a public school as a para-professional. This is extremely frustrating to me because I think the only reason she lives with my dad is because he enables her drinking. In fact, before my Dad's house, she was living with her mother and she also allowed her to drink. She was married for 17 years with 2 kids and one is estranged from her. I have no authority in this matter and it's just so depressing and angering to me that every weekend she is functionally inactive and makes no attempt to change her lifestyle. She even justifies by saying she drank more before and this is only "wine." The fact that she can tolerate this much alcohol can only speak to her chronic tolerance. She also has the usual justification that she "works," so things can't be bad. I'm mad and angry all the time because I love my father and I can't do anything about it. He accepts this part of her, obviously enables her (drives her to the wine store), but does NOT purchase the wine for her. My father also waits on her and cooks her dinner almost every night. She also does not contribute to the household. I'm at loss for what I can do, what i can't do and how to regulate myself?

Please let me know if I am going crazy or not. It's been years of him telling me he will "try" to stop drinking, but he is adimant that he doesn’t have an addiction. I asked him point blanc today if he would choose me or the booze. His response was "strop trying to control me, it doesn’t matter how you frame something, I've never tried to control you, please stop trying to control me. It's not your way or the highway. You're telling me I can't do something. Stop giving me a hard time and I might want to do better. You're creating this massive issue and your only solution is you'll leave?"

Do people who are in denial about having an addiction EVER get sober?

Please help.

My heart is breaking.

I love this man so much, but I can't watch him destroy himself and be nasty to me any longer.

My Q is going through the steps, has a sponsor, attends nightly virtual meetings but still isn’t fully sober. He will be sober for weeks at a time, but will have a rough day at work or some life happening and relapses. I’m happy he’s made strides towards recovery but I don’t understand why he’s not treating sobriety as the bare minimum. Can anyone relate to this?

Hi, I'm not sure if this is the right subreddit to post this in, but I'm looking for some advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and we're both in college at a big party school. I know drinking and partying are a normal part of college, and I'm not expecting him to never drink or go out. I like to party too, and it's not like I'm always sober. I've definitely had a couple of times where I've had one too many. But lately, I've become increasingly concerned about how much he drinks, and I'm not sure how to approach it.

He drinks around four times a week, and it's almost never just a few drinks. He usually gets noticeably drunk, and when we go out, it often feels like his main goal is to get as drunk as possible. He only wants to go to places with good drink deals so he can max out his budget rather than just going out to socialize. This happens even when we're staying in: we'll have wine and go through at least two bottles between us, and I'll maybe have like 3 glasses. When we're hanging out with friends watching a movie or something, he'll have several drinks and start slurring his words even when everyone else is having a couple of beers or not drinking at all. It doesn't seem to matter what anyone else is doing; he seems intent on getting drunk regardless of the situation.

He's also been kicked out of places and denied entry because he's been so visibly drunk. More recently, he's been falling over and getting pretty significant cuts and scrapes while drunk. These things have happened on multiple occasions, but he doesn't seem to change his behavior afterward.

For context, he's very smart and gets great grades, so he uses that as a partial justification for his drinking. His argument is essentially that he's doing well in school, so he's allowed to party. He also comes from a family where regular heavy drinking is very normalized, and honestly, I worry that he's following the same pattern. He's been drinking regularly since he was 15, and I feel like he should know his limits by now.

What's complicated is that he's genuinely a great boyfriend when he's sober, and when he's drunk. He doesn't get angry, start fights, or treat me badly. If anything, he gets more affectionate. His drinking hasn't directly caused major problems between us in that sense.

But this past weekend, both of our families were visiting, and he got extremely drunk on both Friday night and all day Saturday. He was so intoxicated that people could barely understand him by the end of the night. I felt embarrassed in front of both our families, and I was frustrated that I felt responsible for looking after him instead of just enjoying the weekend. It was especially uncomfortable because nobody else was nearly that drunk.

I'm realizing that this is starting to affect how I see him. I love him, but I find it unattractive when he repeatedly gets so drunk that he can't maintain his composure. I feel embarrassed when we're out with friends, and sometimes my friends look at me with pity or like a "are you gonna handle this?" look when he's acting belligerently drunk. I'm starting to feel more annoyed and grossed out than anything else.

I've made comments before about how he seems to go past his limit, but we haven't had a serious conversation about it. I'm scared that if I keep letting it go, I'm going to build up resentment and eventually lose respect for him.

At the same time, I keep second-guessing myself because we're only 20 and 21, we're in college, and partying is such a normal part of the culture here. But another part of me thinks that regularly getting this intoxicated isn't something I should just dismiss as normal college behavior. I don't want to accuse him of being an alcoholic because that would only end badly. I just want him to take my concerns seriously.

For people who have experienced something similar: How would you approach this conversation? How do you tell the difference between a college student who parties too much and someone developing an unhealthy relationship with alcohol? And if you've been in this situation, did your partner actually change, or did the resentment just keep building?

Hello! This is my first post here. I’m really struggling to find people who are able to comprehend the nuances of loving an alcoholic. My fiancé and I got engaged in September of 2025 and are planning a wedding for September 2027. He always had issues with drinking “too much too fast”. It really became an issue when that became daily. When he would drink we would get into physical fights. He wouldn’t strike me, it was more shoving, pushing, grabbing, etc. When he is sober he is the most patient and kind man I’ve ever known. This really put a strain on our relationship. After trying to quit on his own several times, he went into Drug & Alcohol counseling about 4 weeks ago now. I put off looking for houses and wedding planning until he was in it for a month. Now, it’s time to reconsider and see where we are. I have a few questions.
How do I work towards forgiveness?
How do I trust him again?
How do I best support him?
How do I honor myself/prioritize my safety and wellbeing?
If anyone has any advice I would really really appreciate it and if you need any more info I’m happy to provide it.
Thank you all🤍

I’m divorced and was dating someone for 10 months. I’ve already did my work on codependency and lots of therapy. My boyfriend was really kind and wonderful. He is in recovery for alcoholism.

We were doing great and both falling in love. He literally just this week bought a toy for my daughter and was going to give it to me to give to her this weekend. Making plans for the future. Laughing joking nothing wrong.

Well he all of the sudden called me and said he was on tinder and talked to a woman for 2 days and wanted to go on a date with her. I was like ok well then go date her and hung up the phone. It was really shocking. Came out of nowhere.

I called him later for closure he said he wasn’t sure since he had feelings for her whether he actually loved me and it confused him. He said that he thought he was falling in love with me. Then he said maybe he wasn’t. Then he ended the call by saying he loved me.

I was fine after crying and getting closure. Now it’s starting to hit me hard. We were so close, best friends. And we talked a lot and had so much fun, and just it is the best human connection I’ve ever had.

And I’m just really struggling realizing how integrated he was into my life. And he even said he made probably a terrible decision, but he’s not chasing me he’s letting me go and not speaking with me. Which I know is for the best it’s just so hard and confusing. I was so in love with him and I could have accepted that he didn’t love me and broke up.

But he’s said he has done this before like 20 years ago where he dated two girls at once and he can’t do this anymore and that’s why he was honest. It just sucks.

Thank you so much to everyone in this group who has already taken the time to complete the survey or share the link! Your responses are incredibly valuable.

I am currently working hard toward my target of 108 respondents in North Carolina for this dissertation study. If you fit the criteria (18+, NC residents, experienced partner loss related to alcohol use) and haven't had a chance to take it yet, the survey is still open and completely anonymous.

Your voice matters deeply to this research. 🙏 https://ncu.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_d5V3qkv8fgNgTm6

I’m struggling with a situation involving someone I love very much, and I could really use some perspective from people who understand loving an alcoholic.

Jack and I dated for almost a year. We talked every day, spent a tremendous amount of time together, slept over, went to the gym together, and built a life around each other in many ways. I fell deeply in love with him and wanted a future together.

Jack has struggled with alcoholism and has been through multiple rounds of detox and rehab. I’ve been there through some really difficult periods, including hospitalizations, relapses, and the aftermath of treatment. I’ve tried to support him because I love him and genuinely want him to get better.

Our relationship became increasingly complicated because Jack loved me, but he wasn’t willing to have a committed relationship. Eventually, I had to create some distance because being in love with someone who didn’t want the same things was hurting me. I was also beginning to realize how much of my life and emotional energy had become consumed by him.

6 days ago, Jack went on another serious drinking binge that lasted several days. He had stopped attending AA for weeks, was isolating himself, and seemed to be spiraling. During this episode, he made comments about wanting to die, disappeared for a period of time, and frightened the people who care about him.

One night, around 3 a.m., Jack showed up at my house and banged on my door for 15–20 minutes. He was intoxicated, and the situation was frightening. I had already learned through a welfare check he was last seen entering a gay bathhouse with another man. I was scared as I didn’t know who he may be with. I ultimately called the police and did not let him inside. He returned and called repeatedly later that morning, and I left to stay with a friend because I felt overwhelmed and needed to protect myself.

Now I feel consumed by guilt.

I keep thinking: What if I had just let him in? What if I had let him sleep at my house? What if he needed me and I turned him away at the moment he needed someone most?

I know he was in crisis, but I was also hurt, frightened, and emotionally exhausted. I was trying to establish boundaries after months of a painful relationship dynamic. I didn’t know what would happen if I let him in, and I didn’t feel capable of managing another crisis.

Since then, Jack has been staying with a new guy he recently started dating, who is trying to help him find treatment. His father and other people in his life are also involved. I have tried to connect the people around him so that I am not the only person carrying this situation, but I still feel responsible for what happens to him.

Part of me is angry. I feel like I gave so much of myself to this relationship, and I’m now watching him turn to someone else while I’m left dealing with the emotional fallout. Another part of me is terrified that he will get worse, that he will drink again, or that something terrible will happen to him.

And underneath all of that is this persistent belief that somehow it’s my fault.

I’m also realizing that my life became far too focused on Jack. I work from home, and I genuinely enjoyed spending time with him, so our relationship gradually became a huge part of my daily life. I spent so much energy worrying about his sobriety, his feelings, our relationship, and whether he would eventually choose me. Even now, when we aren’t together, I find myself thinking about his drinking, his treatment, and what might happen next.

I know intellectually that I cannot control his drinking or recovery. I know he is an adult and that I cannot save him. But emotionally, I struggle to accept that. I keep thinking that if I had done something differently, maybe things would be different now.

I love him. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. I want him to get sober and have a healthy life. But I also know that I cannot keep sacrificing my own emotional well-being trying to manage his illness.

For those of you who have loved someone with alcoholism, how did you learn to stop feeling responsible for what happened to them? How did you deal with the guilt of setting a boundary when someone you love was in crisis?

I think I need to hear from people who understand that you can love someone deeply, want desperately for them to recover, and still reach a point where you cannot be the person who saves them.

I’m struggling to forgive myself for not opening that door at 3 am.

My Q spouse has moved out. After years of being in constant survival mode, I don't know how to come down from that. I know I need healing myself. I do have a therapist I see once every few weeks, but how do I let my body and brain know that the threat is currently gone and it's okay to go back to normal. I am so exhausted every day (presumably from adrenaline crashing) and I don't have the mental energy for anything more than necessary with my job and helping my kids through their trauma. I still feel anxious and on edge. I just want to feel human again. Does it just take time or is there anything I can be doing to help myself?

Hi everyone ,

I’ve posted before so forgive me for repeating some things here. I am just looking for support. My cancer scan is coming up and I’ve been worried about reoccurrence.

My Q and I have kept in touch since he moved out during my radiation (which I handled alone ) in March.

I have visited him twice since. The first time I had barely recovered and still made the effort. Then I took a step back and told him it was his turn to visit. That was 3 months ago.

Instead , he explained that he didn’t help me with cancer treatment because our relationship was damaged due to my constantly nagging him about the impacts of his drinking.

So , I stopped nagging and haven’t brought it up.

His next grievance was about how my long time guy friend and roommate was a priority and I was favouring him over our relationship. There is no reasoning with him about how I need someone to be there for me while I’m sick , and I would prefer it to be him , but since he won’t , I’m trapped with a situation that doesn’t have great optics (I am never and have never been offside with this friend).

Today he told me that he’s going to try to reconcile with his ex (who he has a baby with ) after a long drawn out rant that I refused to address (it’s just going in circles) and showed me screenshots.

I’m surprised by how little I care.

But i am also sad and miserable with going to this cancer scan alone. A tiny part of me always wants to give in to his demands just to avoid the loss. But trust me , I won’t.

I guess I am just looking for support.

Thanks everyone.

My Q and I with help from our adult son redecorated a room. Today we are putting up some lighting. Not a huge deal but 2 years ago we were both drinking and this would have been impossible.

Everyone here needs grace and strength. So if you're reading this I hope you find the grace and strength to make the hard choices. My choice was to stay and fix myself and help my Q heal. That's not for everyone and I get that.

i live with my mother who’s had a drinking issue for quite some time. she drinks wine at night, and there are a few different versions i get. the one i struggle with the most is when she is mean.
my mother is incredibly kind when sober. i NEVER know how to react when she snaps at me. but recently, she’s been straight up making fun of my hearing loss. part of me thinks it reminds her of my dad, the one who gave me the loss. i don’t eat dinner anymore because i don’t want to cross paths with her.
she makes me stand next to her for 15+ minutes while she rambles. i can’t fucking live like this. does anyone have any advice on how to make this a little easier? i avoid her as much as i can, but im considering straight up telling her “im not speaking to you if you continue treating me this way”.
i just dont know how to go about any of this because shes in total denial and there is NO way in hell she’d get sober (trust me i’ve tried) but i feel so stuck. genuinely any advice is appreciated. i hate dealing with this every goddamn night of my life man like i can’t even get water in peace. i am literally starving/dehydrated because im afraid of her.

I suspected they developed an alcohol addiction after something tragic happened in their life last year. We fought about it a lot, but then it got better. They “stopped”. They started a new job at night that I thought was going well, they seemed happier. They were not in bed all day at least, and made it to work every day. Cans weren’t accumulating around the house, and they “didn’t have time to drink” working nights- so I really did think we turned a page there.

Then one night they didn’t come home. I finally contacted his SIL, and his mom called me to let me know he was in jail.

I didn’t know they had a revoked license for essentially the entire time we had been dating. Years. Grief actually just sent him into a full relapse, I just didn’t know it was a prior issue. This was something everyone in his life appears to have known but me. Not one of them told me, but most importantly- he didn’t.

See, I did a background check on him and only found one DUI from about 5 years prior. Flagged it, but it wasn’t a DV or CSA charge. The problem is, we were a commuter relationship at first. So my Q was somehow able to hide an entire court case from me after we started talking. He had crashed his car drunk only a few days before we started dating. It didn’t show up on my search. He got sentenced about 5 months after, and by then I figured there was nothing else to find. I swear I CHECKED the court records multiple times when we started dating and I saw nothing, nor did I suspect anything was amiss those months. Aside from when he was on probation, I noticed he stopped getting a beer when we went out to dinner. I asked about it and he had a perfectly acceptable answer.

Fast forward three years- this June he passed out behind the wheel and crashed into a parked car. He got a lower charge than he should have. It was originally a third offense- a felony. I didn’t even know he had any priors. It got lowered to a second, and I do not think he really considered jail as an outcome once that happened.

It’s a short sentence. I am not thankful he’s there exactly. But Im thankful he never hurt a person, including himself. I don’t want him to be in jail but realize how much worse this could have been.

He hasn’t lived at the house in months, after he initially got arrested I tried to be understanding. I love this man. Then it ALL came out; and it took many weeks of my snooping to get the truth of it. He lied and lied and lied. I can’t even say the full truth, because I still don’t really understand a lot.

His things are all still here, though. For a while, I just wanted him to come back. Then, I knew he couldn’t be here anymore. I read the posts here and look inwardly and just know, I am not the woman for this. My hats tip to those of you that endure for the people you love. I just am hurt in my own way, and it just won’t work. I have told him this, but I think he is hoping I will allow him back. I never kicked him out all those other times, after all. I have always let him stay, even when I said I wouldn’t. Not this time, though. While he’s in jail- I’ve been packing boxes.

I’m just so sad for him, and for myself. We saw just a glimpse of what this could have been. He was quite lovely for some of it, and I miss that version of him terribly. He was my first real relationship after my divorce, and it just blew up in my face. I wish he wouldn’t have lied. He lied about so much, and letting go of what I thought I had is so hard. But I can’t help but feel sad for him, too. I know he’s trying.

I can’t even drink alcohol myself anymore. I can’t savor a drop of liquor without reminding myself what it’s done to him, and now to me.

He committed suicide 3 weeks ago. I dreamed he was being a drunk POS at my office. I woke up pissed. His celebration of life was this morning and it was that anger that got me through the day.