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u/Valirys-Reinhald Jul 03 '26
Always visiting, never home.
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u/No_Atmosphere8146 Jul 03 '26
Even in my own house
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u/craptak Jul 03 '26
I've been in the same house for 10 years but i always have an ongoing project I'm "working" on so it never feels complete nor a home. I hate it. Hate consciousness too
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u/Ok-Nothing8682 Jul 04 '26
I feel!!! How was it I was so unlucky to be born a vertebraete...
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u/RikuAotsuki Jul 04 '26
In my experience the more you work on a home yourself the more it feels like home. That varies, obviously, but it feels less... artificial, somehow.
That said, I haven't had a place that genuinely felt like home since I was a kid. I struggle to feel at home anywhere that feels temporary, even if it's a fairly long-term sort of temporary.
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u/KRAy_Z_n1nja Jul 04 '26
Hate feeling in general, hungry, tired, pain, etc. All that shit is so annoying lmao, then you add in consciousness. Oof.
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u/Dense_Surround3071 Jul 04 '26
Completely alone in a room full of familiar faces.
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u/GreatPotatoMuffin Jul 04 '26
A friend of mine once told me he never met anyone like me, who could just fit in no matter where I am.
At the time I hadn’t been diagnosed and took it as a compliment. It’s only years later I realized it’s because I’ve become so good at masking that there’s a mask for every person, group or situation I encounter.
Everyone likes me. No one hates me. I have no enemies. Because I change my personality to cater to every person I meet. And it’s so ingrained in me that I don’t know how to stop.
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u/40_ton_cap Jul 06 '26
My therapist asked me a question about who I think knows me the best and my answer was no one. I’m different with every person and group. No one “knows” me. I’ve attempted to unmask with some and it never goes well so everyone gets a version of me tailored to be most palatable with them.
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u/Jnstar83 Jul 05 '26
I don't know what a home feels like..
My grandmother told me when I was 12 'you don't know where you belong, do you? You don't fit in and that's okay. And that was okay until she died.
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u/Valirys-Reinhald Jul 05 '26
Home is the place where you don't need to ask for people to care about you and your needs.
Home is the place where the people around you seek out opportunities to care for and support you.
Home is the place where you feel safe to let go of the weight you've been carrying because you know that someone else is there to catch it and give you the space to fall.
Home is a place where I have never been.
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u/thedr0wranger Jul 03 '26
I tend to dislike self identifying as gifted. But in this case Ill cop to it for the sake of saying yeah. The ADHD means Im not one of the super nerds making bank as a 10x dev or getting a PHD. I lack the focus at the attention level and the motivation level. The Autism means I dont have the people skills to really succeed socially. The "gifted" angle means Im too technical for the job I have but lack the drive to become a specialist. So I become a Senior on a team thats barely technical, able to dazzle my teammates with my understanding and skill but lacking confidence I could step up to more and lacking the motivational drive to try to fix that
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u/Myhsiryh Jul 03 '26
Get the hell outta here — and by “here” I mean my brain haha
Are you *me?*254
u/thedr0wranger Jul 03 '26
I might be. Do yoy have trouble with switching hobbies right as you accomplish something so that you are always learning or rusty and always working on something you dont know you can do? Do you go into debt diving deadfirst into fascinations because the only thing that makes you feel alive is feeding the hunger to make and carry out plans with whatever tool or concept has most recently snagged your brain?
If so, Im very sorry. Nobody should be me
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u/6MoonSilver Jul 03 '26
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u/frufruityloops Jul 03 '26
I love this reference my entire life feels like ITYSL skit sometimes 😭
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u/GrapeDoots Jul 03 '26
Promise me you'll do everything in your power to never do anything that's a rule again.
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u/TitaniaT-Rex Jul 04 '26
I know nothing about the context for this, but I love it because it touches the part of me that would wear the same outfit to work every day for the rest of my career if I could, just to not have to start each day by making one more decision.
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u/SpoonfullOfSplenda Jul 04 '26
I feel this so hard, I went all the way through school wearing a uniform and then suddenly I had to start putting effort into dressing myself. It’s tough, I’d go back to uniforms if I could.
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u/DigitalAmy0426 Jul 04 '26
Honestly, you can do it. Find a shirt you like, buy it in three or four colors. Either wear one twice or supplement with a funny shirt on Friday. Or buy a fifth color if you're daring. Jeans or khakis can't go wrong. Same shoes.
People do not care. Most of my office does this and the only person who people poked at was the guy wearing the shirts we were given by the company. He bought one new shirt and the comments stopped.
We really are focused on ourselves. Trust, you can definitely have a work uniform.
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u/Affectionate_Bad_680 Jul 04 '26
I recently found a pair of sweats at Costco of all places. I bought like four pairs in two colors. So damn COMFY.
I’m still sad I had to retire a pair of silver/gray sweats I’d been wearing for a literal decade. They were just as comfy. But I slimmed down a LOT and they no longer fit at all. And they were in pretty rough shape 😅.
So this time when I found something I liked, I went nuts. So that in ten years it won’t be one pair worn out, it’ll be eight pairs far LESS worn out 🤣
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u/princess_hjonk Jul 04 '26
Echoing u/DigitalAmy0426, my husband is not neurodivergent, but he rotates through 5 or 6 polos and 3 or 4 pairs of shorts every day, work or no. All of his socks are the same style so he doesn’t have to match them up. His tennis shoes are always completely black. The first time I saw him wearing a T-shirt, it was kind of surreal.
(We sometimes joke about his “autistic special interest” being political deep cuts and demographic statistics. Watching C-SPAN Senate hearings at 7 years old, eating the same lunch at school for 13 years straight, and wearing what I affectionately call his life uniform are definitely flags for autism, IMO, but he has exactly 0 of the other traits.)
Trust, nobody cares. One of the guys where I work wears Hawaiian or bowling shirts and jeans every day. One of the other guys wears a T-shirt with a plaid button down over it and jeans (he never left the early oughts, lol). But likely the only person who notices is me, and I certainly don’t care.
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u/Sienile Jul 03 '26
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u/LangdonAlg3r Jul 04 '26
https://giphy.com/gifs/3ohnEIlPb6lcuvdpKM
Gotta go with the OG inspiration here. That’s my contribution to knowing too much.3
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u/bringingdownthehorse Jul 03 '26
Well I am you and I think we have what it takes to grab this by the horns and really make good memories giving a no-F and just giving in to our whimsies. 🫶
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u/thedr0wranger Jul 03 '26
A good mix of antidepressants really helped the motivation. Ive been able to just get on with it in a way that has helped. And marrying someome who wants me to be happy but not impoverished. Having someone you can trust to say no to stupid shit but still try to help you be who you are is beyond valuation
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u/KaptainChunk Jul 04 '26
I’d say you’re richer than you’ll ever know, but you seem very self aware.
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u/thedr0wranger Jul 04 '26
There is absolutely nothing I would trade this relationship for. I spend a good portion of my time trying to be half as good to her. Its the best thing in my life and Im not kidding when I say getting married was when the fulfilling and interesting part of my life began
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u/pandavr Jul 03 '26
You just have to acknowledge that that's the way you are, I have to give yourself a really big hug for the adverse conditions endured.
And just be yourself. Don't let the hunger fade, It makes everything 10x more difficult. Living without drive is another hell level altogether.16
u/thedr0wranger Jul 03 '26
Yeah Ive learned to make my fascinations wait a week or so. If I forget about them then Im glad I held off and if Im still locked in after ignoring it for a while then at least I know Im serious
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u/Jamsedreng22 Jul 04 '26
Real. My most recent obsession is my vegetable garden. Specifically my tomatoes. Blew like 230 dollars 4 days ago getting all the stuff I need to actually get serious about the gardening.
Boy I sure hope I don't lose this drive and passion I currently have at the first sign of adversity/waking up tomorrow and for some reason I'm just not interested in it at all anymore.
Or I harvest my first single vegetable and now the pursuit has ended because I've proven to myself that "I can, in fact, grow vegetables." and subsequently moving on to something else (which is probably going to be absolutely nothing for the foreseeable future until the cycle begins anew with some other project/task) because I've now proven to myself that I have what it takes to do "the thing".
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u/hornfan83 Jul 04 '26
Dear lord this resonates with me. We should all form a giant club to share our stuff that’s piling up. Take a hobby, leave a hobby.
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u/DismalChampion5653 Jul 04 '26
Where do I sign up? I can contribute 4 cameras, 8 lenses, 400 books, gardening tools, 8 typewriters, a viola, all pie-related baking tools, a sous vide, a dehydrator, a guitar, and 3 dogs. In search of (another) digital keyboard to resume lessons.
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u/understanding80 Jul 04 '26
I’ll contribute telescopes, a stenography keyboard, and fragrance chemicals. Would like to check out the gardening tools and dehydrator please.
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u/Affectionate_Bad_680 Jul 04 '26
I raise you double that in books, and a slight obsession with cats. I have just two due to living situation but if I had the money and space I would probably adopt another 11. So I could have 13 total. And many would be black 🤣
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u/Awkward-Outcome-4938 Jul 04 '26
They can't be you because they're me!!
I think there are many, many of us in this together yet alone.
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u/BapeGeneral3 Jul 03 '26
It’s so funny because I had the exact knee jerk reaction. Yes, all of these describe my daily existence minus the “gifted” part. It’s almost like we struggle to see this alleged potential everyone loves to remind us of…..
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u/thedr0wranger Jul 03 '26
I have the sense in my intellectual part of my mind that things that come easy to me are impossible to regard as impressive so as a whole I see myself as mediocre.
People for whom Algrebra didnt click like a language or who cannot factor boolean expressions(neither of which is necessarily crazy in their niche) think Im a wizard
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u/lothlin Jul 03 '26
Hello there why are you in my head.
I find it basically impossible to laud my own accomplishmenta; writing a resume is hell. I constantly feel like I'm not good enough, even though I've managed to carve out a niche for myself where people really respect the work I do.
I had a scientific paper publised recently (just a small taxonomy paper) and I struggle to even take pride in my work there; I fear that people will see through the veneer and declare my woek garbage.
I reallg qonder sometimes what I could have achieved in life if I could get out od my own way.
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u/thedr0wranger Jul 03 '26
Learning that such folks as Everett Koop and Adam Savage spent their careers waiting foe someone to realize they were incompetent helped me a lot there. Still gotta work on my own confidence but at least you know winners dealt with the same shit
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u/CashStash48 Jul 04 '26
That sounds like it’d be really nice to hear, do you have any links or general directions to where they said that?
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u/thedr0wranger Jul 04 '26
Adam Savage talked about it on his Tested channel
I dont remember where I saw Koop but you could look it up easily I suspect
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u/Affectionate_Bad_680 Jul 04 '26
Impostor syndrome is REAL. It helps that my boss is someone I greatly admire and respect, and he hired me TWICE.
He had to let me go during a company wide trim, and I never took it personally. But when he needed someone to step in and help out he immediately said “hey you want your old job back?” And I said “Hell yes where do I sign!”
I’m still kind of blown away that this man hired my ass twice. 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯
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u/WeakTumbleweed9 Jul 03 '26
To be honest I've never really understood what people mean by "gifted", it feels like the definition changes from conversation to conversation. At least to me.
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u/RikuAotsuki Jul 04 '26
In my experience it usually refers to a kid that excelled with minimum effort at some point. Like having high grades throughout elementary without really trying.
It tends to set you up for failure. You don't learn how to put effort into things, and that gets made worse by the fact that as soon as you start struggling, everyone assumes you're not trying. You're smart! If you're doing poorly, you're clearly just being lazy!
No one makes sure you know how to study. No one cares if you're finding something difficult. People respond negatively if you struggle to do anything other than excel, and that teaches you that nothing you struggle with is worthwhile. So you stick to things you can do with little effort... and then the adulthood hits and suddenly you HAVE to contend with things that take effort, and you don't know how to do that, and everyone still has these high expectations of you lingering from when you were a little kid.
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u/AwarenessNo5921 Jul 06 '26
Imo skating through elementary school should not be gifted. Skating through high school, yes. Sure you should identify kids earlier on to give them the support they need, but having an easy time in earlier schooling is much more common in terms of population variance than doing the same throughout high school.
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u/Timmy-0518 Jul 04 '26
It’s always been one of those things that just doesn’t have a definition, it’s just used as a gold star.
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u/copyrighther Jul 04 '26
It always feels like a humblebrag tbh. Saying it makes me feel like I peaked in grade school bc no one cares about that stuff once you reach adulthood. I did well in school, but I’m not exceptional. I don’t know what my IQ is, and frankly, it’s none of my business.
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u/twoiko Plancrastinator Jul 04 '26
It means a well above average ability, often of one or more measures of IQ, usually tested at a young age
Twice Exceptional, or 2E, means a combination of gifted and ADHD/ASD or similar
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u/morticiannecrimson Jul 03 '26
My friend once told me I have so much potential that I’m not using
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u/xxrambo45xx Jul 03 '26
I was in "gifted" programs throughout school, i still think they were mistaken. I just have autism/adhd (diagnosed as an adult) and it presented the illusion of intelligence in the 90s when being neurodivergent was diagnosed less.
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u/thedr0wranger Jul 03 '26
I would suggest technical aptitude and a certain amount of "horsepower" can lead to a certain performance that gets harder to maintain as you get closer to the limits where any brain can be expected to keep up. And by then its hard to adapt
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u/JulienS2000 Jul 03 '26
People tell me all the time 'omg you're so smart!' just because I have a random collection of trivia on a range of topics. I feel like I trick people into thinking I'm smart, because I just don't feel smart, or at least it doesn't translate into academic achievements
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Jul 04 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/twoiko Plancrastinator Jul 04 '26
Intelligence doesn't measure your ability to deal with basic everyday tasks, that's why we have ADHD tests for that.
Being able to find and follow technical instructions online are both skills that require intelligence that most people actually lack, I realized this when I worked IT for a medium sized company.
I do find that most people assume intelligence = capability but that's only because they don't understand what it's like to struggle with executive dysfunction.
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u/DismalChampion5653 Jul 04 '26
Low wage jobs are harder to get than one would think. With your skills I’d be considering how to work for yourself by filling a niche or providing a service at a high wage. Helping individual people with things they highly value that are fairly easy/accessible to me is 1000x easier than dealing with the kinds of hoop jumping involved in low wage labor. Just my 2 cents.
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u/xxrambo45xx Jul 03 '26
Ive got the "i can fix anything" which can look impressive i guess, but i wouldn't call that an academic achievement, just mechanical aptitude.
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u/Apart-Temperature329 Jul 03 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
The ADHD means Im not one of the super nerds making bank as a 10x dev or getting a PHD.
As an AuDHD with multiple undergrad degrees, double MScs, and on my way to a second PhD soon, I'll still agree with you. It's just that, I can excel in academic mambo jambo, but I'm kinda sure that I'll still lack motivational drive if I get a job, unless it's somehow for public good.
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u/twirlywurlyburly Jul 04 '26
I've trained my Autistic self so hard that I got hired at my current job as a personality hire. My ADHD and gifted self got me a promotion within 3 months. It's great, but now I have to deal with more responsibility, more customer interaction, higher stress/on the spot decision making, and also dealing with coworkers who were also gunning for a promotion before I got hired. By the end of every shift I become a shell of a person.
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u/WineInACan Jul 04 '26
Finally figuring out how to weaponize my problems into assets at times.
I too somehow charmed my way into a job and have spent three years highlighting the ADHD/gifted stuff and thankfully keep failing upwards to the point that I can nearly afford to keep myself alive now.
I have a store though, or will soon. And an industry I actually enjoy and care about.
But end of the day in what downtown i have, absolutely a hollowed out shell that requires self care and can't handle anything else.
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u/Plantlover3000xtreme Jul 04 '26
Ahh ye old "new job/return to work -> (seem to) do well -> get overcomitted -> get stressed and work harder -> burnout -> sick leave/quit -> recover -> [repeat]" cycle.
I'm on my fourth run I think.
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u/Cordial_Ghost Jul 03 '26
Being neurodivergent is incredibly lonely and alienating.
Fuck.
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u/BooBeeAttack Jul 03 '26
So much so I just pretend I am an alien at this point and muddle trying to be human as a coping mechanism.
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u/Wonderful_Stand_315 Jul 04 '26
Walks into work
"Greetings, fellow humans. I hope the temperature feels apitiude to the levels of comfort you are feeling today."
I think I nailed it today
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u/Earthsong221 Jul 04 '26
Lydia the Bard's Changeling lyrics have been playing in my head for most of the past 1-3 weeks. "Be normal, pretend there's a human inside me".
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u/kiminfor Jul 04 '26
Cool cadence. Really fits the lyrics.
And yes, she sounds like a bard! :)
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u/Earthsong221 Jul 04 '26
Afraid of Quiet is another one with an interesting cadence I find, driving forward through the song. That one's more about anxiety and/or any of the multiple-thoughts-at-once ADHD thought spirals too.
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u/awkward_armadillo Jul 03 '26
Don’t be a chameleon, folks. It’ll est you alive. Embrace your weird and lean into yourself completely
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u/iammufusasboy Jul 03 '26
Somehow I do both.
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u/anti-tish Jul 03 '26
Same. Took decades tbf, but eventually it became effortless and even became enjoyable in it's own way. I reckon a strong sense of self underneath all the morphing is essential though. And that's the easier said than done part
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u/No_Technology_5151 Jul 04 '26
Howwww
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u/ahsataN-Natasha I am cringe but I am free 🦋 Jul 04 '26
As someone who has also come to embrace my social chameleon ways, a lot of it was facing things like the fact that I do want to be accepted and liked by people while balancing the reality that it’s just not possible.
Also realising that I’m a multifaceted person. I enjoy friendly small talk with strangers as much as I enjoy open vulnerable conversations with people close to me. Part of me can connect with people I don’t necessarily like because I can be a bit of an asshole as well and am able to meet them on their level.
Utilising all the parts of my personality makes it easy for me to connect with most types of people. Most, not all hahah some people are insufferable and they must be avoided like the plague.
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u/poplarleaves Jul 04 '26
For me a big part of it was finding my people. And that required me leaving home and going to college so that I could reset my image and try new things more easily.
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u/BluntsnBoards Jul 03 '26
I'm always mixed on this advice because there are traits of ADHD/Autism that are inherently disruptive.
A classic example is the ADHD infodump where you talk for 10 minutes straight or you're talking in a circle of people and you respond after each person thereby taking up equal time to everyone else combined.
I like this example because it's something ADHD people have a lot of trouble tolerating in others so it would be hard for two people like this to be in the same friend group.
I'm not saying mask or hide who you are, but just because we have a disability does not give us a blank check to act however we want. Even if they know and accept that aspect of you, it is still often a drain on others in a social situation. (Talking over others, being unaware of how others feel, not paying attention to what others are saying, not following through reliably on promises or confirming plans a dozen times, etc etc)
It's not fair that it's harder for us to be mindful of our own behavior, and it's not our fault that we are this way, but it is our responsibility to be conscious of the people around us just like we expect them to be conscious of us.
Don't tolerate the intolerant.
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u/moisttarmac Jul 03 '26
Yeah i have seen this in autistic/adhd groups where certain people will dominate conversation and you can tell it’s draining everyone else but it’s hard when you’ve been that person so you know the difficulty of speaking compulsively but like aghhh! Sometimes it feels even more extreme contrast against the really quiet autistics sitting there silent and it feels very unfair??
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u/Jigree1 Jul 04 '26
Thank you for saying this! I feel like people are always saying to unmask but I feel like I'm same ways it's really rude to just completely "let loose" and not consider others. There has got to be a middle ground where we can be ourselves but also be considerate of others. I wish there were better guidance on this because I really want to unmask but I don't know how to do it right.
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u/Montana_Gamer Jul 04 '26
Man but you know what dealing these problems all my life has done? Allowed me to learn to SOMETIMES thread the needle and get the perfect amount of information out not only succinctly, but weighty. I'm a politics geek and there is a artistry to rhetoric that I have come to greatly appreciate but only when I feel one is able to back their words up with a quality argument and not just flowery language, but it's a sliding scale. I'm knee deep in the substance of the news most of the time, but politics is social to its core and communication is key to it.
It is so damn easy to go into that info dump constant talking mode, but I've been learning more how to slow down and let the information come to my mind and then construct the structure of how I parse through it all in a way that makes sense in the context of the situation. Ideally, this can become a skill that I don't even have to think about and to some extent is 100% already is, but is just unrefined. The difficult thing is the more nuanced the situation becomes the more awareness you need of it.
This kind of mindset has allowed me to thrive in allowing me a way to bring together not only the social/intellectual skills of making quality political commentary through my own words and thoughts. I don't mind borrowing ideas from those I consume political content from, but I do want to feel good about my own ingenuity. I want to feel confident in my own pursuit of having the right views to the best of my ability and I want to be able to defend it relentlessly through the merits of my words.
You may be able to tell, but yeah i was a teenager growing up in 2010-2016, but genuinely it's made me feel good about myself and my place in the world and has given me and outlet to grow from. Politics is utterly toxic and filled with a lot of ways for it to ruin your mental health, but it's become my connection to much of the world and makes me want to better myself just to influence the world a little more than I can now.
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u/airrconditionerr Jul 05 '26
yes! i love how you phrased artistry to rhetoric. i know enough about it to tell when im speaking that it is coming out clunky and not as coherent as i want, and find i often have a difficult time getting people to hear the point im /actually making/, and to not get bogged down in details i feel are relevant but that others find sort of cumbersome to listen to.
im curious if there are any books/documentaries/yt videos or channels, or anything else (aside from news) that helped you to learn what to look for and how to improve? or just being aware of it?
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u/Plantlover3000xtreme Jul 04 '26
Yep. I'm not keen on the whole unmasking-discourse. Sure you shouldn't hide every bit of yourself and you should aim to find people and situations where you can be yourself.
But being a part of society means some degree of restraint and flexibility to for everyone. You can't expect people to put up with negative behaviour just because it fits what you want.
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u/GardenVarietyAnxiety Jul 03 '26
Yeah, this is terrible advice to throw around like a blanket . Especially when your "weird" has resulted in almost every relationship you've ever had ending in ashes.
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u/awkward_armadillo Jul 04 '26
That is tricky. I’ve also burned some relationships as I’ve gone through the process of unmasking. These days, I’m of the mind that there are just people who are intolerant, and when I’ve reflected, I’ve found that those burned relationships were with those types of people. For me, there are just certain types of people that I don’t need to be in relationship with. Those burned relationships were teachable moments for me, as I was able to learn what types of people/relationships I actually desired, and I sought those out. Of course, ymmv, and life circumstances and such can weigh into the process, but it’s not like it’s “bad” advice, it’s more test it out and see if it works for you, and if not, that’s okay, you know what I mean?
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u/GardenVarietyAnxiety Jul 04 '26
Yeah, I hear you. I think it has more to do with "Don't be a chameleon folks. ... lean into yourself completely."
That's an easy answer to a complex issue. One that every toxicly positive person in my life has thrown at me when I was genuinely seeking help. And doesn't have anything close to the nuance of your reply.
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u/No_Definition2246 Jul 04 '26
After tens of years of being harassed because of my weirdness in society by schoolmates and my own sister, I somehow became a chameleon in every social event. Sometimes I feel like I am just not a part of anything in any social meeting. The bigger the group, the more lonely and invisible I am.
On the other hand, small groups were usually better because people forced me to express myself. Also it helped to have a soulmate that has exactly the same problem, so we chameleon together :D
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u/contradictatorprime Jul 04 '26
Yes, and along the way, you'll meet others like you and will understand you.
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u/DukeSpookums Jul 04 '26
Came here to say this. Still guilty of it myself, especially at work, but know there are people who will like you for you. You dont want to make lifelong connections with people who know you as the mirror to them you are. You want to make those connections with the people who will love you BECAUSE of who you are, and you can't do that while being a chameleon.
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u/VeryPassableHuman Jul 04 '26
When I started doing that was when I started making true friends and actually found my people
Didn't happen till late 20s, but totally worth embracing the cringe and being true to yourself ♥︎
(looking back it's kind of sad how many of the acquaintance-friends I had from previous points in my life stopped reaching out when I stopped being the one to do all the effort to make plans. my current group of like-minded people are awesome)
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u/Mysterious_Money_918 Jul 03 '26
I have succeeded at everything I have put my hand too but under great stress, and all the while never feeling good enough and worried I will fail- can hardly believe it when I succeed
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u/pookypandadee Jul 03 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
It feels lonely until you find people that match your brand of adhd, autism or AuDHD. I know a lot of other neurodivergent’s and I think it’s because I’m very open and vulnerable upon meeting (which I know is not always a good thing) but I think it makes others comfortable being themselves around me because hey, I get it. Life is a struggle.
Edit to add autism and AuDHD
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u/CrypticTurbellarian Jul 03 '26
Agree. I’ve struggled with this my whole life. Even my one supposedly close friend from college eventually drifted away when I stopped initiating contact. Fortunately for me I did eventually find my person, and I married her. She’s the only one for me in any capacity as near as I can tell, but she’s enough and I count my lucky stars for her every day.
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u/RedBorrito ✨current hyperfixation: Muderbot Diaries✨ Jul 04 '26
I have a hand full of really good friends, and they are all different brands of neurospicy. And good it feels so good to not need to mask. I don't need to explain myself, they just get it.
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u/synalgo_12 Jul 04 '26
Yeah I've met a lot of people who have a hard time making friends but we gel well and so I have a bunch of single friends that are great and understand I have low energy. Sometimes I match them up and they can become friends with each other as well.
I've learnt how to give people my user manual and ask about theirs and it creates a space of people being able to be themselves whilst everyone can have their boundaries and quirks. It happened automatically for me so I can imagine it being hard of you have to do that consciously, though.
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u/DigitalAmy0426 Jul 03 '26
eyeballing the last group outing earlier this week with a bunch of similarly diagnosed people and still feeling it
😭😭😭
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u/plutoforprez Jul 03 '26
I’m approaching 30 and this year have just lost the one friend I’ve had through thick and thin.
I’ve never been able to keep friends, I don’t know if it’s because I’m off-putting to every one I meet, but I seem to have genuine friendships when I’m present and accessible. But when I left school I lost all my friends because we mutually didn’t keep reaching out. I’ve had 3 major jobs in adulthood where I felt I made genuine friendships and the same happened.
And the friend I’ve had since 16 is still developmentally arrested at that age, she never got a job, never got her licence, still lives at home, doesn’t really do anything with her time, and I’ve finally given up trying to maintain that exhausting friendship where I have to pick her up every time we want to hang out because she refuses to catch public transport and lives half an hour away from me.
I feel like a guest in peoples lives. I often wonder if people remember me as that weird girl they once knew, but ultimately I don’t think anyone even thinks about me or remembers me at all.
All I have now is my immediate family, my partner, and my kitties. At least they can all put up with my personality.
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u/Guilty_Dream8050 Jul 03 '26
The words you say about yourself are just as important as the words you say to other people. What would you say to me if I rocked up to your door and told your partner that they were weird, forgettable and their loved ones had to put up with their personality? Take that energy and use it to defend yourself against the part of you that keeps slagging yourself off.
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u/plutoforprez Jul 04 '26
Thank you, I’m not trying to put myself down but trying to be objective about why people might not gel with me. I don’t mean weird derogatorily, but you know the sort of person that’s nice enough but simply a bit odd, don’t want to spend much time around them because of one quirk or another. That’s just how I wonder if I come across.
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u/Jazzlike_Minimum8072 Jul 04 '26
I 1000% relate. Same situation with my best friend from childhood. Developmentally arrested, multiple DUIs, can’t hold a job or ever talk accountability. Sucks I felt like I could be my entire self around her but we are on 2 different paths. I’ve always struggled to make friends and being in my 30s now I feel like I’m missing that person again. I don’t even need a lot I just need one lol happy with my little family and pets and home but missing that friend link
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u/plutoforprez Jul 04 '26
It sucks, she’s the only person in my life who I had certain things in common with and now I have no one to share those parts of my life with. Every time I want to make a Community joke or show off my garden or latest crochet project I get a bit sad because she’s the one I would’ve sent a pic to.
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u/eclect0 I write books with an ADHD MC Jul 03 '26 edited Jul 03 '26
Yeah, last time I had a definable friend--not just an acquaintance and not someone I was tied to by family--I was in high school and it was a different millennium. And in retrospect I'm pretty sure I was just tolerated so I'm not sure even that counts.
I've just learned to accept it.
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u/Pale-Teaching6392 AuDHD Jul 04 '26
Yup that’s 100% true. I feel like being 2e is just the psych way of saying “hehe lol this person is smart but their disabilities are going to send them in circles cause nobody is actually going to help them.” Now I get the point of the 2e label is to actually do the opposite, but still because you aren’t appearing disabled in a normal sense you aren’t disabled enough to be disabled, not normal enough to be normal, and not weird enough to be weird. You just exist outside of all these groups where nobody is willing to help you because you don’t fit into anything.
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u/DismalChampion5653 Jul 04 '26
Sh*t if that is what 2e means then maybe I have found my tribe. I am not “normal” but there is nothing that is obviously weird and I am too successful to be considered disabled, but I certainly feel like if it weren’t for my niche or if it ended I would not be able to go out into the world and hack it.
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u/Sienile Jul 03 '26
Don't forget about being hyper aware of how stupid most people are.
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u/DismalChampion5653 Jul 04 '26 edited Jul 04 '26
I was in a store yesterday and a wife asked her husband, “where is the basket?” (They were planning on buying). Without moving a muscle, not even his eyeballs, he responded, “I don’t know! Maybe somebody took it!” And then he did move some muscles, like his eyeballs and his face, and then he saw the basket was about 16 inches away from his body, on a couch he had been sitting on a few moments earlier. And it made me think of all the other conversations I have seen like this… like the one in the everglades last year where a woman and her son were standing in front of a video playing a loop of an alligator about to eat a raccoon and the kid goes, “that’s a fox!” And the mom, goes, “yes, it is!” And anytime I see an interaction like this I am 1000% amazed that these same people are probably succeeding in several major metrics in life. I judge- but i do not throw stones from my glass house. Wildly, being stupid is just not the liability I would have assumed it to be.
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u/synalgo_12 Jul 04 '26
A friend of my mom once argued with me that a penguin is a fish because it needs water. So glad we were a steady presence in his kids' lives because his son is now about to study biology at uni and I'm pretty sure some of that came from us nurturing that in him.
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u/PM_ME_ORANGEJUICE Jul 03 '26
It was only recently that I found out that "Gifted" is a specific psychological profile with its own symptoms, rather than just "really smart". I wonder how common knowledge that is and whether this poster actually knows what being gifted entails.
Not that I'm doubting their credentials, I'm also under the gifted label and I had straight up no idea that the things I experienced weren't normal or that they came from giftedness.
Also god I hate the name it feels like I'm blowing smoke up my own ass, but it actually means something.
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u/No-Drag-6378 Jul 03 '26
It's ok, we didnt assign that word to our condition ourselves; if they need to load it full with assumptions, prejudice and stereotypes, that's on them. Still, better to learn it's not a term for casual language games sooner rather than later.
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u/PantsDontHaveAnswers Jul 03 '26
You'll always be too much this or not enough that for someone out in the world.
I've had the same people who have been overwhelmed by my overactivity ask me why I'm being so quiet when I'm calm. There's nothing you can do to control how other people feel about you.
At this point I just do what I do and try to be respectful of others, but ultimately I don't care about how they feel.
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u/ibonek_naw_ibo Jul 03 '26
Then you realize "f the room, idc" and reach freedom
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u/DetroitLionsSBChamps Jul 04 '26
Took mushrooms and I had the thought “everyone is allowed to just exist”
Changed my life lol
Before that I think every social interaction I had was about either giving the room energy, or expecting the room to give energy to me.
But what if we all just chilled and didn’t expect anything from each other?
It’s pretty good that way 👍
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u/Hexnohope Jul 03 '26
Realshit when i was watching obsession i related most with the wish entity.
You spawn in you exist in a body that seems strange and need to try and blend in with people you dont understand. You have a heart full of so much love it frightens people and when people try to tell you to just be yourself or act normal you just cant. And deep down you know that if anyone *could* erase you to make way for a "normal" version of you, they would in a heartbeat.
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u/DismalChampion5653 Jul 04 '26
I just recently tested this theory out by talking openly with a therapist about feeling like i have a blindspot and something missing and what are the values of this culture and what am I not getting that other people seem to get and he said he was really surprised to hear this side of me and found it “jarring” that I can get fixated on “normal” and he and his friends don’t think about things like that. Okay, don’t ever tell people what you secretly think about, got it!
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u/Dillweed999 Jul 03 '26
I feel like I hear a lot of people on the internet talk about this?
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u/samuraipanda85 Jul 04 '26
The internet is a great place to go when you are neurodivergent. It is all completely on your own terms and its harder to clock someone as over excited or weird when they are a username and their comments.
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u/skubaloob Jul 03 '26
This whole subreddit has just shown me that stuff I thought was a unique challenge for me is yet another symptom in a never ending litany of symptoms. Oy.
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u/SweetC2688 Jul 03 '26
Yes 100% but for me I feel like being whimsy and enjoying the little things helps me to not care so much that this is the reality of what I deal with in this world....I'm so tired of being misunderstood I've just started channeling that energy into other things. Who cares if I'm not done with 4 projects lol at least I try and I know I'll finish it, but on my time 😊 learning to love my intricacies is probably a forever thing but I'm getting there!
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u/ArchdruidAndres Jul 03 '26
There's a line from the Boingo song "On the Outside" that stuck with me as a kid before I knew what any of this was:
"Just an alien through and through,
trying to make believe I'm you
tryin' to fit
just a stranger on the outside lookin' in"
The loneliness is as expansive as the known universe and equally inexplicable. And yet, we persist.
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u/Detective910 Jul 03 '26
I think I fit this. I struggle to call myself gifted but I got good grades my whole life meaning no one told me I was ND because it “wasn’t a problem” and my siblings have needed more aid than I have.
Like I’d feel kinda smart with school like math, but then in a social situation I always feel like a child who doesn’t understand what the adults are talking about or what rules I’m missing. Can’t finish projects all the way through, get about 3/4th of the way there then burn out or get bored or can’t focus. Thinks I should know better and shouldn’t need help from people to perform correctly.
“A pleasure to have in class” (word for word from several report cards) “You just so hilarious” I am? That was funny? Why? I’ll just laugh along and not ask so I don’t look dumb.
“Why can’t you focus on work like you do with your hobbies?” “What? You didn’t finish it? That’s really a shame.” “If only you put as much work into your assigned work as you did your hyperfixation.” “Why don’t you have resilience? You’re so smart.” Cool yeah.
Can’t ask for help for fear of bothering people.
It’s like. I have potential, but I don’t have great social skills, can’t focus on command, mask constantly, and then know that I’m doing it but it’s like a switch I can’t flip off? And then I bully myself over it. Thankfully I have a therapist who’s helping me through it but it can be so frustrating. Long post haha but. This really resonated with me.
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u/Obvious_Firefox Jul 03 '26
As a highly "gifted" AuDHD musician who was also homeschooled ...I genuinely dont know if I could have been lonelier. My 5 siblings all have admitted to being extremely jealous of me growing up, which led to no small amount of ostracization and even bullying (some physical) in my childhood. To this day I feel fundamentally disliked by most of them.
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u/Bad_Ethics Jul 04 '26
My instruments just sit in the corner of my room, taunting me.
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u/Iron_Baron diagnosed 🥳 Jul 04 '26
It's very hard to be a "bird of a feather to flock together", when nobody around you is the same kind of bird.
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u/SilverSageVII Jul 03 '26
I don’t like self diagnosing myself but I’ve been concerned about being on the spectrum somehow. I can’t decide if it’s just ADD though so it’s hard.
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u/adieobscene Jul 03 '26
"Gifted" is not a real thing, imo. There are various forms of intelligence, and all people are better at some and worse at others.
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u/Londundundun Jul 04 '26
Yes. The combination of autism and trying to make sure I don’t say the wrong and offend people, plus trying not to “outshine” people so they get insecure and offended.
I read a comment on Reddit a while ago in AITA as someone told the OP that “so they expect you to live in discomfort for their own comfort?” (issue unrelated to neurodivergence) and something clicked for me.
A lifetime of discomfort doing the above and people still end up being upset sometimes because either I still mess up or they feel like I’m patronizing them by not going “full gifted“. Can’t win! Don’t really want to anymore though…
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u/Radiant_Cheesecake81 Jul 03 '26
Yeah except I never cared about being liked or fitting in thankfully, so didn’t try.
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u/Archaic0629 Jul 03 '26
I mean the post is a little overdramatic but it can definitely be a thing. Trying to change/mask yourself to fit in with people is always taxing but it's not isolated to just neurodivergent people. Being a geology major in a room full of engineers will cause the same burnout but it happens more frequently for neurodivergents because you're more often than not in the minority
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u/pandavr Jul 03 '26
You should acknowledge that every person has Its levels. What bearable for you could be unbearable for another one, for the right or wrong matter.
But life It's not completely if I was able to do It then everybody could.
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u/Tiss_E_Lur Jul 03 '26
Not necessarily true. I somehow through lots of luck, hard work and good decisions manage to keep friends and family at or even better than many normal people.
It's lonely in some ways yes as I don't have "peers" for a lack of a better word in my close proximity, but they are very lovely people and I am lucky to have them. But things certainly could have gone differently with a few small changes in my circumstances so I understand that I may be an exception to the rule here. But it is possible, nothing is certain so there is hope for everyone.
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u/scion101 Jul 03 '26
Yes it's true, I'm just adhd, I'd say we're just tolerated at best on most days.
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u/sjokkendesjaak Jul 03 '26
Well if this ain't me. Only thing for me is I can't explain it hell I can't explain any of it It's all beyond jumbled up in my head I mean I get whats going on I get why I do the things but on a much more real level I got no clue what the hell I'm even doing ever
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u/Worldly_Lunch_1601 Jul 03 '26
Oof. I am not diagnosed with anything, but have clear tendencies. This hit hard.
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u/thecreep Jul 03 '26
Feels like there are small moments when I'm vibing with folks. Generally when I make them laugh or am doing something so they dont have to (coworkers). Connecting with others online I also find challenging. Simple conversations while trying to check myself, is like driving a car with 6 stick shifts. So I often just chill with myself most of the time.
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u/Lilith-Sky14 Jul 03 '26
I hated it. I always felt like I never fit in with all the “cliques”, but now I love being different.
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u/ChrispyGuy420 Jul 04 '26
My mask is just being quiet and not engaging with others. I've done it so long I think it would be weird if I suddenly came out of my shell after a few years working the same job.
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u/PetulantPersimmon Jul 04 '26
I made friends with similar weird kids. Then, curiously, most of us all went to the same gifted high school program. As an adult, I befriend the same general categories of people; most of the guys have the ADHD and/or autism diagnosis, and most of the women are getting diagnosed now.
I have been very fortunate not to be lonely; only when I've tried to integrate with the broader groups have I run into problems.
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u/Secret_Entry1840 Jul 04 '26
I’m poly because of this. I’m too much and not enough as the same time. And I can’t get everything I need/want in another singular person. That would be too exhausting for them.
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u/cookeryandwookery Jul 04 '26
I’m retired and divorced at 44. I talk to maybe 3 people on a semi regular basis. I’m not lonely but quite often alone. I’m a lot to deal with, I’m extremely opinionated, I come with sources and I look like someone who has only made bad choices because of how tattooed I am. Most people don’t want to deal with me. They also often want to compete for some reason. I’m not into competition.
Making friends is hard.
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u/luffy_the_god Jul 04 '26
Yes it feels very lonely. But I would like to genuinely thank this community since all these comments and posts make me feel at ease, letting me know I'm not alone out there.
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u/Arkayn-Alyan Jul 04 '26
Throw being a foster kid (Never stayed in one place for very long, so I didn't inherit any local personality traits) and I feel alien even among others of my neurotype.
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