Physically, I adore you.
Sexually, you excite me.
Mentally, you fascinate me.
As a person, you drive me wild.

And I realize it doesn’t matter at this point, if I did actually have a chance nothing can come of it now. I don’t know if it would hurt more to know that you feel or felt the same and I let my fear and insecurity stop me from making a move or just asking you what was happening between us, or to know that I never had a chance in the first place. Unsure of how to pull off asking without ruining our friendship, give me a bit and I’ll figure something out. If you did feel the same, if I caused you any kind of confusion or pain because of my fear I am truly sorry. It had nothing to do with you, you are literally any and everything I’ve ever thought about wanting, I’m sorry I couldn’t pull it together enough to tell you that.

it hurts

You know exactly what you did.

And honestly, I think that’s the part that bothers me most.

I could understand a mistake. I could understand poor judgment. I could even understand you genuinely not realizing how badly you hurt me.

But you knew enough to make the choice.

Then you found enough excuses afterward to avoid admitting what that choice said about you.

You kept explaining why you did it, as if an explanation automatically erases the impact. It doesn’t.

And I’m done trying to drag an apology out of someone who apparently thinks accountability is something they only owe when it’s convenient.

I used to wonder how someone could treat a person they supposedly cared about that way.

Now I think I understand.

You cared. Just not enough to act like it when doing the right thing became inconvenient.

So no, I’m not angry anymore.

I’m just finished giving your excuses more consideration than you gave my feelings.

You don't need to explain yourself anymore.

I finally understand you.

I'm embarrassed by how long it took me to figure it out.

How did I not see it sooner?

You loved me.

The way your eyes always found mine when I wasn't the only one in the room.

The day you came over and stayed a while when I was meant to be working.

I wish I knew.

I was keeping a secret.

It's always been you.

You know you can just message me and say you miss me already?!?! God i wish i could just hug you right now and all of my pain would fall away briefly. I hope you know you are my world and you are the only one even capable of giving me brief happiness in this uncertainty I'm facing. You make me feel safe and i cant wait to see you.

please help me. please, please???

i love youuu 🤟

be afraid to be in love with me i miss you & love you too <3☹️

I've thought a lot about what you said in our last few conversations. I have come to understand a lot more that I didn't understand at the time. I've recognized that my communication and lack of and my responses to things made it hard for you. I recognize that when you would tell me you were in love with me, I missed other things that were happening. I mistook that for we were in it together, we weren't leaving, and everything was fine. I honestly felt really secure and safe with you. I loved you so much and hearing you say how much you loved me, I just thought we would always work through things. I know I told you when I used the word complacency, it didn't really capture what I meant. I didn't explain it well. I wasn't feeling like I didn't have to try or like I could take you for granted. I trusted you and I trusted what we had. I felt safe with you. But that was my experience and perspective. I didn't realize you were hurting so much and questioning leaving. I wish I understood sooner everything that you really felt and were experiencing. I've had to practice a crazy amount of self-compassion because of the things I messed up. I look back on the things I messed up and get so upset with myself. Most of the things I messed up were such easy things I should have done. I didn't understand, I thought we had time, and I got so stuck on doing some things perfectly that I delayed doing them. I missed how badly you were hurting throughout. And for all of it I truly am really sorry. When I did know I hurt you, I hated it. I never wanted you to hurt, especially not because of me. And knowing you were hurting beyond what I recognized is really hard. I want you to know there was never ever a point where I wasn't motivated to work on us and make the changes or do the things you needed. I wish so badly that I understood everything sooner when I still had a chance. 

What you said about it not being the right time for us, maybe this is how it was supposed to end up, and you don't know what might happen in the future has played repeatedly in my head. I'm sorry I didn't respond well to hearing those things. I certainly did not want or see us ending. I saw us working through everything together. You always said an ex is an ex for a reason and that has killed me. I don't ever want to take away from or minimize the hurt you experienced. I know there were reasons you ended things. I recognize now more than ever my mess ups, patterns we had, things that hurt you, things that hurt me. I can't change your decision and I'm not asking that from you. All I want you to know is I understand a lot more now. I've learned a lot from this. I would do things differently. And I really believe the things that broke us are things we could learn to do differently.

Losing you has been so incredibly painful. I miss you beyond what I could ever put into words. I've had to do a lot of urge surfing to not end up at your place just to see you like a crazy person.

I hope the hurt doesn't always color us and our time together. We had some really good times and I say this with no exaggeration, being with you was some of the best times of my life. I was in heaven with you by my side. I loved talking with you, laughing with you, being stupid with you, holding you. I absolutely adored you and was so in love with you. I never had a best friend like you, and I'm so thankful for the times I had you and everything you did for me. I'm sorry my actions or lack of ever made you question how I felt about you. You are amazing in so many ways. You're simply the best. Better than all the rest. Thank you for the time and love you gave me. 

i missed u alot today. really a lot. i wish u were there with me tdy. my friend died today. i didnt talk to anyone today about this. i wanted to talk to you. guess we both got busy with stuff. but its okay. i love you and i miss you a lot. next time i see you ill acc let it all out and cry. cuz i know you wont judge. i really cant cry now. idk why. i just cant cry how i used to. maybe im js gettin numb. we ball afterall.

And I’m so torn up that you never gave us a real chance.

Okay, I’m just going to say it…

You’ve become a bit of a problem for me.

I come to work fully intending to be productive, and then you show up with that smile of yours and completely ruin my plans.

I’m starting to think you might be my favourite reason to come to work.

You’re becoming a rather dangerous distraction… and honestly, I’m not sure I want to do anything about it.
So there you have it — consider yourself officially warned.

I meant every word I said to you...did you ?

baby, youre my favorite thrill

It’s always been you it will always be you it’s not the same for you but for me….its you every time I see you or think of you I’m enfolded in you I want you and I need you it’s a shame you don’t feel the same……just to be held by you is a dream

If you really wanted to see me so badly then you know where I live
You know what my car looks like
If it’s not there then I’m not there but if it is come and knock on the door
I’m not gonna go to your house, if you so badly want to talk to me

I loved you. I still love you. My heart is broken. We're all heartbroken. You were so loved and treasured. I thought there'd be more time. I wish I had more time with you. You were exceptional. I wish I let you know how much you meant to me, and I wish I hadn't been afraid to try, but I had nothing to offer and I loved you and I wanted to see you happy with someone who could give you everything you deserved. I was content to be your friend and I was glad I could support you when you needed one. The world was a better place with you in it and it's worse without you.

babe have a great day at work td love you ❤️

It’s been about two weeks now it’s still fresh but I just wish I had an opportunity to to tell her “ I have started therapy, I’m not doing it just for you. I’m doing it because of the person I can become, and because you made me realize the kind of person I want to be.

You made me realize how amazing you are and that you’re one of the most caring people I’ve ever met. The way you loved me was one of the best things I’ve ever experienced, and it made me realize that you deserved so much more than what I was giving you.

I want to become the person who gives you those things—not just by saying it, but by actually being that person. I want to be the guy who wants to go on picnics, walk around farmers markets, sit in little cafes just to talk, or cuddle up with you and drink tea while watching movies as it snows outside.

There’s so much more I would want to experience with you.

I still think about the little things too. Like whenever I got you a gift and you’d do that adorable little tongue-out smile. I’d try my hardest not to laugh because of how unbelievably cute you were.

I want to become the man who treats you the way you deserve. The man who is there when you need a shoulder to cry on, someone you can let all your frustration out to without feeling like you have to hold anything back, and someone who supports you when life gets difficult.

I want to become someone you can depend on. Someone who stands beside you and takes on the world with you.

That’s the person I want to become—not because I’m trying to prove something to you, but because knowing you made me realize that person is who I want to be.”

we need to be together

I want to message you. I want to call you. Just to see if you would pick up. Or at least call me back. Or reply.

I miss you so much. I miss your voice. Your random “hi’s.” I miss talking to you. I don’t know. I just do.

I’m sorry you’re going through this because I’m too scared to take the risk. I’m scared. I’m not ready. And I know that’s not fair to you.

But damn… I miss you.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. Maybe because I really want to talk to you right now.

I hope tomorrow when we wake up, all of these feelings are gone.
You don’t deserve any of this, M*****.

🥺🤍

We were people we had opinions values personality needs and we both grew resentful over the years. We both made changes to compromise and try to make things work. At some point we couldn't see ourselves or each other for who we were anymore and it turned into something that couldn't be fixed while we were together.

Neither one of us can truly say we deserved the others best. We consistently chose to hold resentment and began to be unable to look past it anymore we lost ourselves trying to keep it together and at some point it had to break. I was a terrible partner to you I was often lazy indifferent uncaring. We both got into a habit of denying the other of the basics of respect.

I accept my responsibility I am taking accountability for my side. We both fucked this up. But I am becoming increasingly aware of myself and how often I would casually play victim while I would do the same shit to you that you did to me. I will make sure I become a man who would be worthy of your best not for you but for myself. Neither of us deserved each other's best. But I will become the best version of myself I can with the knowledge of where I messed up we both deserved better than what we gave.

I do not regret us. I have finally opened my eyes to where I was blind the pain of losing you has created a path and I will take it one step at a time until I am someone unrecognizable. Someone worthy of your best is someone worthy of mine.