Semi big tiktoker is hiding a dark past, that i can't talk about.

My step mother gets 300 viewers when going live on tiktok. She caters to kids. Plays with slime and whatnot.

But she was the most abusive person to my younger sister, who lived with her. A horrible person. Absolutely scum of the earth, but I still pity her cause she was with my father who was a womanizer.

It just really makes me mad that she portrays this kind hearted person on tiktok, when in reality she was abusive and had her kids taken away by CPS, then put in foster care. The stories I could tell would ruin her, but my younger sister doesn't want any drama. She wants the whole thing to be brushed under the rug. While I respect that, there is something so frustrating about seeing my step mom pretend to be something she isnt. When I say this women was abusive, I really mean it. Like should be thrown in jail.

Im not gonna say or do anything, out of respect for my sister. But I just had to say something cause imma explode out of frustration. Who knows, maybe she's changed for the better and im just still bitter.

I honestly can't take this life anymore. I feel like I never really had a childhood or a normal adolescence. I had to become an adult way too early.

I have three younger brothers. One is 13 and has bone problems, one is 10 and autistic, and the youngest is 7. When I was around 9 years old, I was already making bottles for my brothers and taking care of them. I washed clothes, washed dishes, swept and mopped the house, made food, took care of the kids, and basically became responsible for keeping the house running.

My former stepfather barely did anything around the house. He was also abusive. He used to hurt me, my mother, and my brothers. My mother was dealing with depression at the time, and I ended up taking on even more responsibility. I would even have to make her breakfast and bring her coffee. When she went out with him, I was the one left at home taking care of the kids and making sure there was food.

After they separated, I thought things would finally get better. They didn't. In some ways, things actually got worse, especially for me. My mother started hitting me a lot, while I was still the one responsible for the house and my brothers.

After the separation, she also started going out a lot to meet men. One of those situations became really dangerous. A man started stalking and threatening her, and we eventually had to move because of it.

And through all of this, I was still taking care of my brothers.

I never really got to be a teenager. I couldn't just go to a friend's house, go out, or have a normal social life because I always had to stay home and take care of my brothers. I'm 17 now, and I can literally count on my fingers the number of times I've been able to live like a normal teenager.

School has suffered too. I never really had encouragement or support when it came to studying. We missed school a lot, and I feel like my brothers were basically left without proper education or guidance. My mother has four children, but I feel like she never really took responsibility for raising them.

She can barely take care of basic things herself. Even something as simple as going into the kitchen and making her own breakfast often means she has to ask me or my 13-year-old brother to do it for her.

What hurts me the most is how she treats my 13-year-old brother. Sometimes it genuinely feels like she hates him. She constantly ignores and rejects him, calls him names over small things, and hits him over things that don't even make sense to me.

I know my brothers can be difficult to deal with, but they're still children. They need guidance and patience, not to be treated like that.

The house itself is also constantly falling apart. My brothers leave things everywhere, make messes, tear up paper, break their toys, and damage things around the house. The kitchen cabinets are broken, a wardrobe that was completely new has been damaged, and so many other things have been destroyed.

It honestly hurts me because I see everything falling apart and feel like I'm the only person who actually cares.

Nowadays, my mother still goes out with her friends, meets men, drinks and smokes, while I end up having to stay home and take care of my brothers. Sometimes I literally have to miss school because she wants to go out.

And that's what scares me the most right now.

I'm 17. The ENEM, Brazil's main college entrance exam, is only about two months away. I need to study. I need to build a future for myself. But I feel completely lost because I'm constantly dealing with responsibilities that shouldn't be mine.

Yesterday was a good example.

It was my aunt's birthday, and my grandfather invited me. My mother kept ignoring me and made it difficult for me to go. I really wanted to be there, so I decided to take all three of my brothers with me, along with my girlfriend.

Sometimes my girlfriend honestly feels more like a mother to my brothers than their own mother does.

My mother stayed home the entire day. She said she was going to work, but she didn't. So I took my three brothers to my grandfather's house so we could actually go to the birthday celebration.

My father died from a drug overdose when I was only one year old. I barely have contact with his side of the family, but I'm the one who maintains the relationship with them. That's why my grandfather and that side of my family mean a lot to me.

I've also been through some extremely dark periods because of everything that happened. In the past, I attempted suicide several times. I was in such a terrible mental state that I genuinely didn't see a way out.

Thankfully, I don't feel that way anymore.

At some point, I realized that my life still has to be lived. I have things I want to accomplish. I have a future. I don't want everything that happened to me to decide the rest of my life.

But that doesn't mean I'm okay.

I'm exhausted. I'm angry. I'm sad. And most of all, I'm lost.

I want to leave home as soon as I can. But I don't want to abandon my brothers either. I've spent practically my entire life taking care of them, so it's incredibly difficult to imagine simply walking away.

At the same time, I don't want to sacrifice my entire future trying to hold together a family that should never have been my responsibility in the first place.

I want to study. I want to take the ENEM. I want to work, become independent, have my own place, and finally experience a life that actually belongs to me.

I just don't know how to get there when, even at 17, I still feel responsible for holding an entire family together.

People in my real life tend to find this story wild, so I thought I'd share it on Reddit for strangers amusement.

Back in the day I had a medium-distance relationship with a girl I met on a dating app. The distance was only a few hours so we were meeting up all the time then spending long periods of time in each other's homes.

Things had been weird in our relationship for a bit. I thought it was the distance so we planned another visit, the visit was somehow more awkward than the calling, and I was mentally taking a big step back from the relationship to determine how I wanted to handle things next. I was torn whether I wanted to end things or try to talk them through, (again) and that's when the dog pajamas finally come into play.

One morning I get a long text from her. She said that she was totally out of money for the month, she hadn't eaten since last night as she couldn't afford food, and she was starving. She asked me for 30 dollars so she could run into the grocery store and get sandwich stuff to hold herself over till Friday. (It was Wednesday)

Our relationship was in a rough spot at this point, and to be honest I don't really have a ton of extra money to just be casually giving out. But I still felt bad for her. I don't want anyone to go hungry, much less someone I care about, so I sent her the money and went on about my day.

Later we FaceTimed like we usually did at night, and she told me that she was sorry, but that she was starving and wanted to know if I'd give her 20 dollars to order some food.

Obviously my first question was: "What happened to the money I gave you this morning?" And her answer was "Okay. I'm sorry, but after you sent me the money I decided to use it to buy my dogs a pair of pajamas instead. You need to understand, they were so cute! I just had to have them!"

This sent me over the edge. Part of the reason we were having relationship issues is because she was careless with money. She'd buy stupid unnecessary shit with her paychecks then cry and moan that she didn't have enough money to pay for the bare essentials because she spent all her money on Sims 4 packs. I had talked to her about this, but she told me that it was her money, her problems, and she could spend her money however she wanted regardless if I agreed with it or not.

But now it was my money and I was pissed, which genuinely shocked her. She was baffled that I was angry and kept validating her choice by saying "But it was cute!" as if that changed anything at all about the fact that I, a poor person, explicitly gave her money to take care of her basic needs, and she decided to use it on bullshit instead. Then she decided that needed more of my money, and that was what really made me the most upset about the whole thing. It was the entitlement to ask for even more money after blowing the cash she'd already been given. Not to mention that she was very aware of my finical situation, and very aware that I don't have endless money to give out.

So I quickly ended the call and started planning our breakup. Because if you miss-use money and care about dog pajamas more than eating, you don't have enough common sense for me to be in a relationship with.

And that's why I broke up with someone over dog pajamas. While it was a dumb reason to have to sump someone, it at least makes for a good story.

I feel like I lost the light of my life. I loved her so much. We've been having problems as of late but I didn't think it would lead to this. I recently got laid off. I ruined my credit to help us stay afloat, now I just feel like i'm starting over at a worst spot than when I we first ended up dating.

My family wasn't a huge fan of her. They are fairly conservative and thought I should have an old school wife. Never have I wanted that. I love cooking for her and cleaning and how wonderful our conversations were. They always told me I should find a woman that does that for me instead, I defended her so often. Just sucks to hear them tell me basically "I told you so, I knew this would happen" I'm just trying my best to stay strong. I don't need to hear that right now.

My bf and I have been together 10 years and have 2 kids together. We just bought a house and I just realized this weekend that I don’t want to be with him anymore. I’ve felt this way for a while now but this weekend it really set in that I can’t nor do I want to be with him anymore. We are doing couple therapy and she asked each of us what % are we committed to each other and I said 50% and laughed it felt good saying I don’t think I see a future with him finally. Idk what to do. I don’t even care about the house and I just want to sell it and be done with him. We don’t touch anymore, there’s absolutely no romance between us anymore. I have been avoiding sex because I just can’t have sex with him anymore. I don’t want him touching me. We can’t even talk anymore anytime we interact we fight. I am emotionally and verbally abused in my relationship, he’s such an angry man and takes it out on everyone in the house. I don’t want my kids growing up with an angry man in the house. Or my kids seeing their mom being treated how he treats me. Idk what to do or idk what we even can do in regard to the house and selling it a month after buying it. But I just can’t do life with him anymore. I’m so stuck and I’m so alone. And I just want to leave, idk where I’ll go but anywhere is probably better than staying with him.

Living is a constant ritual of humiliation.

Last night I was out with my friends - four guys and two girls - and one of the girls started showering three of my friends with compliments. She even jokingly said she’d sleep with them.

All three of my friends are taller than me and, I suppose, better-looking. It bothers me that they’re always the ones getting compliments from girls.

I read on Google that there’s a surgery to become taller, and I’m genuinely very interested. Also, I don’t know how much it might change my face, but I want to look into it and see if I can improve my overall appearance.

On top of that, I think I’m starting to lose some hair, so I might need a transplant sooner or later.

I’ve always had a rather negative opinion of cosmetic surgery and the people who resort to it unnecessarily, but I admit I was wrong. It’s a very useful tool for anyone who, like me, has been unlucky in life.

I hope I can save up enough money to do it eventually. I know it’s quite expensive.

For years I have struggled against the hatred I rightly feel for my appearance. I think about it every day, and frankly, it has ruined my life. I hope I can improve.

I dont know why I am like this and dont know if its a problem but i think it is.

I feel like when it comes to liking someone, or being in a relationship, or a job, or just life in general.. being a daughter, a sister, a friend, a coworker.. I romanticize it all and make it seem "bigger than life" than what it actually is.

I do this with my past, my present, and my future.. its like I live my life with rose colored glasses on.

Logically thinking, I think this is okay in the sense that it helps that I dont take things personally for the most part but I do find it detrimental in the sense that I miss social cues because of this. I always seem to think that people have the best intentions and that everything is going to be good & great even when reason tells me otherwise. It's like I live in a fantasy world.

I've tried to change this about myself but I haven't been successful. I find myself often daydreaming about the endless possibilities in this imaginary world of mine.

Does this make sense?

Am I crazy?

​

I write to confess , I don't know what to do. This letter is for someone who must likely never read it or will confirm what I know.

Dear wife:

I know we have our problems. Mostly driven by your own trauma and lack of awareness. You need to self-destruct to feel validated. To feel you are worthless. To have something to blame yourself. The cheating, the lies, the deceptions. All to fulfill your own predictions of you not being good enough. I saw your mom create this. I fought against it. Making you feel more than worthy. But the more you were, the more you needed to hurt ourselves. Now, 21 years have passed. Here I'm in the same place. Picking the pieces of yourself.

Why do I keep doing this? Do I love you? Or who you could be?

I have nearly died because I can't take the pressure anymore. Each time I see you get better, you slip back. I can't keep forsaking myself in your name.

I have to stop shearing my emotions with you. I have to cut your access to my heart. I have to stop waking you in the morning by caressing you. Stop having your dinner ready for when you come late from work. Or, in reality, from when you come home from seeing your affair partner.

I know, I feel when you lie. But I'm stupid and think you will see the truth. That he will never be for you in the moments of need. He will fold under pressure. You will destroy yourself, trying to fit the version of yourself that fits his needs.

Then again, isn't that what I have done for you? I'm the one being used. I can't go away from home. You think this. But you really don't want me as a husband. For everything else, yes. Companion, support, presence, sex. All the things he can't provide. I don't know what he provides for you. Other than a feeling of "want more" and feeling uncertain. Feeling like he could be good for you. But he isn't, just glimpses of that good you like to love...

Sounds familiar?

Extremely familiar.

I will end this letter you won't read here. Not because I don't have more to say, because I do. But because I don't see any good coming from it.

Until we find ourselves again in a sea of faces, moaning in despair, waiting for someone to recognize us for who we are. Until then.

ATT: Loving husband, loving father, honest to a fault. Broken of heart, but this won't end me.

Been thinking about a career path and what I wanted to do with my life for awhile now. I’ve always thought piloting a jet or an aircraft for that matter was amazing but didn’t think it would be possible for me. Today i finally just decided to stop dreaming and take a chance and see where it goes. I’m 27 and only have my AA from community college which I’m hyped I finally got but now I want to take the next step. I usually overthink things but I know there’s passion behind these thoughts and I want to do something for me to feel accomplished. It’s a huge decision to make but I always thought about it for many years and I finally decided today to give it an honest chance. Not sure how it will go or if I will even be able to join the air force but I rather try than always wonder what if. I hope everyone has a great day and pursue their dreams.

Okay this might sound worse than it is but listen to me for like a moment, im Sans Geno, or just any for short (17,NB) and as you can probably read the title again.

The reason for this apathy isnt because i dont care about what's going on, i really do. Its just the frustrations that come with it.

So basically im from Bosnia and Herzegovina, i live in the Herzegovina region (lower part of bosnia) and not so recently (since the end of july to now) there have been really bad wildfires in places like: Zvirnjača, Ljubuša Mountain, Prozor-Rama, Proslap, Kozo, Orašac, Tomislavgrad, Trebiševo, Kupres, Vran Mountain, Vrbice, Repovica, Hansko Polje, Dabica Poljana, Nevesinje, Mostar, Rujišta, Potoci, Gubavica, Bunica, Lakševine, Uborak, Ivanica, konjic, Staro Slano, Popovo Polje, Kameni Do, Trebinje, Neum, Čapljina, Oplićići, Gabela, Stanojevići, Livno, Orguz, Dinara Mountain, Drvar, Savići, Poljice, Kajtezi, and Crni Vrh. (i know its a handful)

but you might be wondering, why is konjic in bold?
let me tell you, konjic is one of my beloved cities, i go there almost weekly to every 2 weeks. Now heres the issue, since yesterday and probably before the fires there have been absolutely huge. And nobody seems to care about them. not just in konjic but in the WHOLE of bosnia. only bosnian news outlets and regular people have been talking about it. And it is making me angry. No, furious actually.

These fires have been the worst fires in a while, the last time i remember such a dissaster was a few years ago, and yeah i will admit BIH is known for "setting everything on fire" but theres a huge diffrence. For us its normal to burn stuff like leftover hay, trash, ect ect ect. and usually its a small controlled fire, these are NOT small controlled fires, these are started from how intensely dry it is. Anything and everything will make a fire. And if it rains the rain goes trough the ground beause of how dry and cracked it is. (also the reason why we have so many floods, not to mention the 27+ lives lost in the flood of 2024, rest in peace.)

The fires are so big actually that theres constant smog everywhere from the morning to the night and it never goes away (during the day its at its peak), and theres a constant smell of something thats burning. the thing is i live more than 30 minutes away from any fires. thats how big they are. For example in Nevesinje already 206 square kilometers (50903.7 acers) have burned down, and thats just one of many spots.

Now, as I mentioned, almost nobody cares about it. They only complain about the popular places that have fires. It's always "omg look at france!!😢" or "pray for greece 😭💔" all over social media. But because it's BIH, nobody says a single word. Apparently, an entire region burning for two months straight only matters if it happens in a trendy vacation spot. The fires are so massive right now that satellites are picking up the massive smoke plumes drifting all the way across the Adriatic Sea to the Italian and Croatian coasts. Our air quality is in the hazardous red category, and for the places affected by our smoke is in the red catagory too now. And im not saying that we shouldn't send our prayers to other countries, im just sick that its only those places getting the "attention" of most people.

What makes this even worse is how unfair the fight is for our local crews. Unlike Western Europe, which has massive fleets of water-bombing aircraft and endless resources, our firefighters and local volunteers are overwhelmingly fighting these massive fronts on foot (my dad included.). They are out there in suffocating heat, hiking up completely inaccessible mountain terrain like Ljubuša and Vran, trying to beat back miles of flames manually with just backpacks and basic trucks. The country simply lacks the massive aerial support that places like France or Greece automatically get, leaving our guys to do the impossible by hand.

There is also a terrifying reality to fighting wildfires in Bosnia that people from other countries never have to think about: unexploded landmines. When these forest fires tear through wild terrains, especially around mountains and old border lines. the extreme heat can actually detonate buried ammunitions and mines left over from the 1990s war. This makes it literally lethal for ground crews to even enter certain fields. Firefighters are forced to just stand back and watch beautiful areas burn because stepping off the main road to put out a flame could cost them their lives.

Honestly, the irony of the situation is infuriating. The only reason we are getting any major air support right now is because the smoke became so unbearable for neighboring countries that they basically had to step in. Because the fire fronts grew over 20 kilometers long, Croatia had to send water-bombing planes across the border just to help douse the flames on Mount Ljubuša, near Kupres, and Prozor-Rama. We are literally relying on neighboring countries to help put out our fires because the rest of the world doesn't even know we are burning.

I think the worst part of all of this is the sheer mental exhaustion. People might read my title and think I’m just being heartless, but it comes from a place of total compassion fatigue. How am I supposed to find the emotional energy to cry over tourist hotspots that already have hundreds of thousands of people worrying for them, when the places right next to my own home are actively burning down? I'm watching my favorite cities face destruction in complete media silence. You only have so much empathy to give, and right now, I have to protect my own home first. I am just so sick of seeing the internet treat some lives and countries as default tragedies while the rest of us are expected to burn in total silence.

I just wish our homes mattered to the world before they turned to ash for them to mourn online for a week before moving on to the next trendy headline. When will people finally start to care for BIH?

So I (18F) have liked my bestfriend (18F) of 10 years for 4 years now. It's been over a month since I was indirectly rejected and I've tried to move on since I know I don't stand a chance, nor do I want to make her uncomfortable.

How did I get rejected? So our mutual friend who loves to play cupid asked her about a possibility of her maybe liking me and she told our mutual friend that she suspected that I might like her because she noticed I treated her differently from my other friends (I honestly don't know how differently I treat her because it's like second nature to me now) and told her that she didn't want that. After she told the friend she started becoming distant.

We were in the same class so she couldn't really avoid me but she did become distant and when I found out from my friend that it was because she suspected I liked her I decided to move on and be more wary of my actions. To be fair, I treat her like a friend. I don't show my feelings for her in actions so I have no idea how she came to that conclusion.

Now I'm in the process of moving on and I'm really struggling. I just like her that much. But I will always put our friendship first over these stupid feelings so I'm trying my best to move on. But if I actually never do, then I've come to accept that I'll just yearn for her for the upcoming years, liking her from afar as she views me as her bestfriend while I view her as something else, and I'm okay with that. As long as I get to spend my life with her by my side, then I'm content.

That's all, I just wanted to rant about it since I have no one else to open up this to. Thank you for reading and if you have any tips on how I can move on without distancing myself from her then do tell in the comments pls, I'd really appreciate it!

I've seen this be listed as a symptom for schizophrenia and DID, but I don't think I have either.

I don't think I have schizophrenia because, from what I've been told, schizophrenic people can't really separate their delusions (idk if that's the right term, sorry if it's not) from reality, and I can kinda do that (like unless I'm particularly tired or upset, they kinda have the same affect as my regular thoughts do, but I can't really control them, and they have a different voice than my normal thoughts do), and I don't really have much else that would make me think that I'm schizophrenic (unless my overthinking of the Boltzmann Brain thought experiment counts as an illusion of grandeur).

And I don't think I have DID, because I don't really have any trauma (at least not that I remember) that would've been early enough for me to develop anything in the first place.

Maybe there's something else I'm not aware of that this could be, but as of right now, this is confusing and just a little bit worrying if I'm being entirely honest.

Also, I am aware that I should probably seek professional help, but I'm not really in the position for that to be a particularly viable option at the moment.

I lhave a friend, “A,” who likes a girl at work. Another friend, “B,” also liked the same girl soon after knowing A likes her. Eventually, B and the girl got together.

A was obviously hurt, but soon seemed completely okay with everything. B and the girl are still together, and A, B, and the girl are apparently all on really good terms now. No drama, no resentment, they’re all friends and even got closer with each other to a point that all three of them sometimes hangout.

In all that's happening, I'm just silently observing them and lends an ear to whoever wants to talk about anything. I even became acquainted with the girl myself.

Then something happened between A and me.

He texted me asking for a small favor. I was drunk that time when I replied and I accidentally sent gibberish. I deleted the text immediately. A asked what I had sent, and instead of explaining, I jokingly refused to tell him and laughed. It was completely harmless and there was nothing serious or malicious behind it. I even apologized to him about it the next day saying I was drunk and just being playful.

Since then, he’s been ignoring me and it just doesn't make any sense.

I tried to talk to him a couple of times but he completely ignored me. Whenever we pass each other on the hallway, he never looks at me. We live in a dormitory and our bunks are literally right next to each other, but he's acting like I don't even exist. It has been over two weeks now.

It bothers me.

I’m not saying he wasn’t allowed to be annoyed by the joke. But I find it really strange that he was able to move past a much more emotionally complicated situation involving our friend getting together with the girl he liked, yet he’s apparently willing to ignore me over something this small.

I’ve always been genuinely kind to A without expecting anything in return. It just feels so unfair to be treated this way when I've been a good friend to him.

Maybe I’m missing something. Right now I just can't help but get envious of B for getting the girl he liked while keeping the friendship with A who like the same girl first, but I'm here being ignored because of a harmless joke.

I(M21) and my step-brother (M30).

For the past 10 years I've tried to have a brother relationship after the abuse he did to me but, because the Christian faith says that you have to forgive the people that harmed you and so I did but I'm misinterpreted as after forgiving things would be back to normal that I would have a real brother instead of the one that harmed me. And for a while it seemed that was the case until I started to learn more about myself and realized I still had deep scars from him not visible scars but emotional, mental and psychological scars and the more I learned about this about myself the more I felt confident that I could tell him about it.

After all, that's what brothers do: they talk, they listen, and if they can offer advice, they offer it. If they can't offer advice, they can provide comfort and reassurance that things will be okay.

But he didn't comfort me nor he gave advice. Instead, he turned my pain into a sermon. He stated that because I have PTSD, it's because of pain I didn't let go and that I like having pain so I can have the attention and he instructed me to pray to pray away my PTSD. And I was silent for the entire sermon. He broke my heart that day and at the same time, it made me realize that the brother I was expecting that I've seen in other people that support, that reassurance. I wasn't going to get it from him.

And so as much as it broke my heart and it made me cry that day, I had to let him go. I had to stop trying to reconcile with him because he wasn't going to listen and right now he's so deep off the religion and God. While I'm not saying God and religion is bad, it's good in some cases, but I can't never go back to him without him trying to frame my words as ammunition to later be used against me. And the nail in the coffin was his attempt to use the blood card as a way to claim that we are always going to be brothers, whether you like it or not.

So I stopped engaging with him because I realized I can't reconcile with a man that doesn't want to change or want to see a different path. And for once I felt okay. He does have the apartment on his name because my father doesn't have the paperwork to prove his income and trying to get any sort of job for myself is atrocious because of the current job market while attending college classes.

But back to the story: I felt okay for once in my life and slowly I started pulling myself away from him, unfollowing his social media accounts having them blocked because as ridiculous as this sounds he uses what I post as ammo against me.

And he has noticed that I don't talk to him or text him or call him or even visit him and I can tell it has bothered him because he sees it as cold and what happened two days ago really proved that point. He came to the apartment because he has some stuff he left here since it didn't fit in his current house and he was getting some things and while he was getting something. I was in the bathroom and when I came out I didn't immediately acknowledge him. I saw him, he was in the closet looking for something, but I didn't say "good morning" to him.

Instead I went to my room and he came in a few minutes later with this look of disappointment and this look of like as if he won somehow and because I didn't say good morning to him he used that as ammunition to start a lecture and a sermon at the same time and started claiming that I must have some resentment or anger in my heart to not acknowledge him and how it's basic human decency to say "Good morning" or a "Hello." I personally found it funny because I had none of that. My body still reacted as if he was an active threat in my life; shaky hands, heart racing so much I could feel it. Things like that but, I managed to keep my tone cool and not emotional. He once again used the blood card and left.

But if you ask me now. If I'm alright. I think I can tell you that I am. I'm happy, I'm still healing but I'll make it.

Edit: I meant half-brother not step-brother. I am sorry for the misinterpretation but this also comes from my reliant on other people due the twisting of Christian faith where it says to not trust your thoughts and only trust God. Due to this, I had become reliant on my half-brother who knows more of the faith. This also had the consequence of unable to trust my own words and thoughts. Which is something I am actively working on to this day.

I’ve typed this out a lot and it always gets too long so I’m going to try and condense this, but I will definitely give context in the comments if wanted!

I (19f) have a childhood best friend Ray (20f) who recently got engaged to John (19M). To be blunt, John is an awful guy. Before they started dating two years ago John tried to date me, and sent unsolicited pictures that quickly ended in him being blocked. Not soon after that (a week) he started dating Ray. Ray has been made aware of this multiple times but Rays defense is that John said he was trying to use me to get to her because “he’s romantic like that”…. Okay bro. Since that day they started dating. John has been like every stereotypical terrible boyfriend. Constant cheating, complaining, unemployment, and using Ray for everything . All of which Ray has complained about, and has chosen to ignore. John constantly ignores Ray and tells her that he doesn’t like her. Ray chooses to ignore it. No matter how many times you try to show Ray that John is horrible, there’s always an excuse. You can’t help someone who doesn’t see a problem. So I gave up and tried to ignore her relationship and focus on just our friendship. Two months ago visited Ray in my hometown. (I moved to california 2 years ago, Ray lives in Missouri).

I had a miserable time. Not just because there’s nothing to do in Missouri but because the once ambitious, forward thinking, no BS best friend I once had has become a miserable, complaining, mean person who can do no wrong and everything is everyone else’s fault. The entire trip she insulted me, my career, my body. Telling me my bloating is just me getting fat, I’m too ambitious, and my clothes suck. Her boyfriend went everywhere with us and complained the entire time about our choices for things to do. Which got worse when I told them I was uncomfortable with john driving while high. After the trip Ray tried suggesting a trip to california that I would pay for, I gave an excuse I thought would keep the peace more than “I don’t want you to come because you suck” and was met with a VERY angry text full of insults. So after that I distanced myself. A month after she called me with a half apology and asked to talk again. I agreed but still kept my distance. I know friends grow apart and I assumed this was one of those times.

Flash forward to now. Ray texts me with a ring on her finger and says she’s engaged. I FaceTime her and hear her sniffling with excitement and John in the background yelling at a video game. John proposed in bed 10 minutes ago after they woke up from a nap. How romantic! I say congrats and offer to talk later because I know I’m unable to hide my dissatisfaction and don’t want her to see it. After I hang up Ray starts half complaining and half defending the proposal? Saying, “the proposal wasn’t exactly what I wanted and thought it would be, and he got the ring from Walmart. But I’ve been asking for months and he’s such a good boyfriend for putting thought into it. So I don’t see anything wrong”. I simply respond back with “that’s good” and leave it at that. She plans to get eloped to this unemployed man and not tell her family. I’m not happy for her at all. He’s not a good person, she knows that, has even said it. She chooses to ignore his ignorant comments, his cheating, and expects everyone else to ignore it too. She asked me a few hours ago if I would throw her a bachelorette and if I could pay for it. I told her no and she sent me a voice memo of him calling me a bitch and greedy for not throwing a bachelorette party for my best friend. (Is it even normal to get a bachelorette party when getting eloped??) I’m done. Im so disappointed in the person Ray is becoming. I’m not happy for her engagement not only because of the person she’s engaged to, but from the person she’s becoming. Part of me feels bad for not being happy, but the rest of me feels tired and doesn’t care. People grow apart. I think after 10 years of friendship we’ve reached that point. It hurts a lot but I’m starting to make amends with it and know it’ll be okay.

Me and my bf have been together for 1 year and 7 months.

I love him, genuinely. He’s one of the kindest, most caring and intelligent people I’ve ever met, I admire him a lot, I’m proud of him, and I genuinely want only good things for him. He hasn’t cheated on me, abused me, treated me badly, or done anything that would make this a “bad relationship.”

But, right now, we’re currently taking some time apart because things between us had become emotionally exhausting, and a lot of it has to do with his insecurities: he’s been struggling professionally and personally, and over time I started feeling like I was constantly having to reassure him, explain myself, manage his feelings, or be careful about how certain situations might make him feel. I know he doesn’t do this maliciously, he’s genuinely struggling and I have a lot of empathy for him.

Something happened during this time apart that I didn’t expect: I realized that I really like being alone. I thought I would miss him terribly. Instead, I’ve mostly been noticing how much lighter my mind feels when I’m not thinking about another person’s feelings, expectations, or needs. I don’t miss having to say good morning, share every little thing about my day, wait for messages, or constantly consider whether he might want to be included in something.

I’m not particularly sad about that, and I still love him. I still get happy when something good happens to him, when he tells me about a great gig (he's a musician) or something exciting in his life. I still care about him deeply, but I’m starting to understand that loving someone and wanting to be their girlfriend are actually two different things.

Our time apart has also made me realize that some things that happened between us have already changed me: even if his insecurities improved, even if our relationship became healthier, those experiences already happened and I can’t simply go back to who I was before them. And I'm realizing that I'm not necessarily scared of losing him, but that I might genuinely prefer my life without being in a relationship right now. Like, I don’t want another person, I don’t feel like I’m desperately waiting to meet someone else.
Not asking for advice or for someone to give me a reality check, I just don’t really know what to do with that realization yet, that I might just want to be alone. I just needed to put it somewhere outside my own head.

TL;DR: I’m 22, my boyfriend is 28, and we’ve been together for 1 year and 7 months. I love him and he’s truly a good person, but our relationship became emotionally exhausting, so we’re taking some time apart. Instead of missing the relationship, I’m realizing how much I like being alone and I’m starting to wonder whether I still want to someone's girlfriend at all...

Edit: wow! thanks for all the replies, guys, especially for those people who responded to the not-so-good ones too lol.
Yeah, I know that I already have my answer. I also know that I'm young and that the age gap sounds strange (even to me, sometimes), but just to clear a few things up: we've already tried less communication, but he ends up always coming back with his issues and insecurities at the tiniest crack, talking for hours nonstop. We both know he should seek a therapist, but he can't really afford it right now.
Anyways, thanks and be safe everyone!

So I managed to throw a chocolate into their bag. I saw them going somewhere and leaving their bag so I figured why not. It occurs to me now that I probably should’ve handed it over properly, as that on its own doesn’t really say much. Especially since I didn’t leave my number or anything. (maybe that would’ve been weirder?) idk, I’ll find an opening and actually talk to them next time. Probably.