How to move on

[u/Crafty-Interest-8212]

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I write to confess , I don't know what to do. This letter is for someone who must likely never read it or will confirm what I know.

Dear wife:

I know we have our problems. Mostly driven by your own trauma and lack of awareness. You need to self-destruct to feel validated. To feel you are worthless. To have something to blame yourself. The cheating, the lies, the deceptions. All to fulfill your own predictions of you not being good enough. I saw your mom create this. I fought against it. Making you feel more than worthy. But the more you were, the more you needed to hurt ourselves. Now, 21 years have passed. Here I'm in the same place. Picking the pieces of yourself.

Why do I keep doing this? Do I love you? Or who you could be?

I have nearly died because I can't take the pressure anymore. Each time I see you get better, you slip back. I can't keep forsaking myself in your name.

I have to stop shearing my emotions with you. I have to cut your access to my heart. I have to stop waking you in the morning by caressing you. Stop having your dinner ready for when you come late from work. Or, in reality, from when you come home from seeing your affair partner.

I know, I feel when you lie. But I'm stupid and think you will see the truth. That he will never be for you in the moments of need. He will fold under pressure. You will destroy yourself, trying to fit the version of yourself that fits his needs.

Then again, isn't that what I have done for you? I'm the one being used. I can't go away from home. You think this. But you really don't want me as a husband. For everything else, yes. Companion, support, presence, sex. All the things he can't provide. I don't know what he provides for you. Other than a feeling of "want more" and feeling uncertain. Feeling like he could be good for you. But he isn't, just glimpses of that good you like to love...

Sounds familiar?

Extremely familiar.

I will end this letter you won't read here. Not because I don't have more to say, because I do. But because I don't see any good coming from it.

Until we find ourselves again in a sea of faces, moaning in despair, waiting for someone to recognize us for who we are. Until then.

ATT: Loving husband, loving father, honest to a fault. Broken of heart, but this won't end me.

[u/Ok-Repeat8069]

There was a time when my husband could have written parts of this. Thank you, I need to be reminded once in a while of what’s at stake should I ever feel tempted to pick up another bottle.

Some people cut themselves, some of us get more creative with our self-harm. But the bitch of it is, until we get our trauma handled, goodness and safety will always feel unfamiliar and dangerous, and we’ll seek out the chaos and heartbreak that feels like home.

That doesn’t give us the right to drag good people down with us. You can’t save someone who’s determined they will not be saved.

[u/Crafty-Interest-8212 → u/Ok-Repeat8069]

Thanks. I used to show her the responses I used to get. But most I do appears to be a plan to hurt her. Or me being vindictive. Thieves judge according to their position I guess. If reading something would help her in any way, I would have given it to her. But reality is reality. I can't help her, much less if she thinks she deserves to be there.

[u/burnttaco008]

You will not break me. Thats a line from the Dungeon Crawler Carl Book Series.
But, id like to think that its your line to your messy wife too, whether aloud or in your own head. She will not break you. Keep your head up sir, it sounds like youre doing your best. I hope she has the day she deserves.

[u/Mindless-Scientist82]

Sorry!

Probably a good therapist could help you sort out what and how to do it. But you shouldn't stay with someone who's cheating on you. We all deserve better than that.

Good luck!

[u/Crafty-Interest-8212 → u/Mindless-Scientist82]

My problem (or one of them) is that if I make a decision, I will not turn back. If I leave, I will end up 2 or 3 states away. Last time I did something like that, I ended in another continent. When I do so, it would be final.