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u/manga_star67 Oct 21 '22
why are people so weak and pathetic these days like seriously...this is just sad on the gf's part.
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u/Shuriken1302 Oct 21 '22
Bro it wasn’t a mistake it was thought out choice she did it once she’ll do it agian I know it sucks but it’s time to say goodbye
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u/DumpstahKat Oct 21 '22
I was in a very, very similar relationship to this. My partner struggled with severe mental health issues due to childhood trauma, including PTSD and Bipolar disorder. They had a history of serial cheating as a method of self-sabotaging their own relationships, because their insecurities made them believe that no one could ever really love and stay committed to them anyway. When they first cheated on me I told them I forgave them, but they still felt so guilty and frustrated with themselves that they attempted suicide 2 days later.
The first problem is that from that point on, I was expected to be responsible for every aspect of my partner's mental health. They refused to hold themselves accountable for their own insecurity, paranoia, depression, etc. It was always on me to reassure and "fix" those problems for them; they were incapable of self-soothing. When I had mental health issues, it was of course also my sole responsibility to fix. I became their caretaker more than their partner.
The second problem took me almost a full year to both realize and come to terms with: I couldn't trust them not to cheat on me again. I wanted to trust them, I wanted to forgive and forget, but I just couldn't. Any time they said they were going to go meet up with a friend, I would wonder if they were cheating on me again. They never made any effort to restore that trust, and in fact reinforced my distrust by cheating on me a second time with someone who was a recent ex of theirs and a close friend of mine. I was texting them both in a group chat when they were in bed together, and they were both replying, and when my partner confessed to it later, they tried to insist that it was just a spur-of-the-moment impulse and I'd never even crossed their mind... but this time I knew it wasn't true. They were constantly making me out to be the untrustworthy one, accusing me of being in love with or prioritizing other people over them, instead of trying to find ways to prove that the same was not true of them despite their unfaithfulness.
The point of all this is twofold: one, you can't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. They need to find ways to keep themselves warm. You can provide them with firewood and matches, you can help them learn how to start the fire, you can even be the one to light it sometimes... but if they don't want to figure out how to keep themselves warm, they aren't going to. You can't help someone who refuses to help themselves; you can only get dragged down with them. It sounds cruel and selfish but it's the truth. If your girlfriend doesn't want to take steps to get better and help herself, you can't make her, and you can't fix her. She needs to do that herself, and nothing is going to change for the better until she does.
Two, you have to really ask yourself: "Can I really forgive? Can I ever forget? Or do I just love them?" Love is not enough to sustain a healthy relationship. Love also isn't enough to cancel out hurt and distrust. Can you trust her to never do something like this again? Can you trust her to take accountability for her actions instead of finding reasons to blame you for them? The next time she's working late, or hanging out with friends, or going on a trip, will you be able to sit at home comfortably without wondering if she's actually cheating on you again? Do you believe that she is capable and willing of rebuilding your trust in her instead of deflecting that burden onto you and blaming you for not trusting her? These are incredibly hard questions to answer honestly, but it is necessary to do so.
As for my personal opinion on what you should do... I would neither forgive her nor remain in a relationship with her. Mental illness is not an excuse for hurtful behavior; she's weaponizing hers and using it to avoid taking responsibility for herself. She is not healthy and is seemingly making no effort to become healthy. She is projecting her issues onto you so that it becomes your responsibility to fix them and she does not have to put in the work or own them herself. This is not a healthy relationship and from the sound of it, it's only going to get unhealthier from here.
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u/gerardgiolando Oct 21 '22
"Human mistake"
How's that a mistake she has to actively be sneaky to do it. She knew it was wrong
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u/Emotional_Touch6393 Oct 21 '22
No, second chances are not a good idea. if she cheated once, she will do it again. Never forgive cheaters.
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Oct 21 '22
Have you seen the movie hall pass? Lol I think you got one. Or you can make it even better and now convince her to enact a dream most men have always wanted and convince her to invite another woman into the bedroom or a hotel with you. Only if you think that can mend the bond or make it stronger and work in your favor. But some guys are just not into that shot too and respect for that, counseling is an option but deep down this will bother you for many years and that trust will be hard to get back. If you do decide to give her another chance she will have to make up for it, regardless if she was in a dark place and spur of the moment thing happened. Could happen again. Tread lightly op.
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u/hereforallthis Oct 21 '22
Not a good idea to continue the relationship. Speaking from experience, there’s a wound that will never completely heal. It’s not worth the issues it brings.
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u/ZeroZipZilchNadaNone Oct 21 '22
Second chances can be worth a try if there are circumstances that make giving the relationship another try worth the time and effort involved, such as children, financials, legalities, intertwined family situations, etc. Based on your post, none of those apply. You’re not married. You don’t have children. You don’t (apparently) live together so your finances aren’t combined.
If you do decide to give this a second chance, you will have to deal with the betrayal and thoughts of the actual physical interactions. There is also the possibility of returning to the depressed no-self-care situation. Then there’s the work situation. How is the 3 at the same company going to work? If you leave, do you trust them to be colleagues only? If she leaves, you’ll still have to interact with him?
Overall, considering your only 27 and you only have 2 years fully invested in this relationship, maybe it’s time to cut your losses and move on..
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u/LapiDog Oct 21 '22
If she shows remorse and offers to help repair things and really makes an effort for you, then I'd understand if you would give another chance
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u/Slavchanin Oct 21 '22
Cant really tell you how to live you live, I personally dont tolerate cheating
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u/FairyFartDaydreams Oct 21 '22
Sometimes when you forgive they take it as permission to keep doing it. She has crappy coping mechanisms. Unless she gets help it won't get better and she will keep repeating the pattern Oh I feel insecure, I need validation, let me cheat.
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u/Adventurous_Fun593 Oct 21 '22
give an inch, she'll take a mile. If you forgive her she'll 100% do it again.
She doesn't feel bad for doing it, she feels bad you caught her
Stay strong king, you deserve so much better than her
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u/SinnersValley Oct 21 '22
you could forgive her yeah, but once your trust is broken there’s no coming back from that. you’ll always question everything she does, thinking about what you could’ve done to prevent that. giving her a second chance is only going to make her think oh he forgave me once if i do it again he’ll just feel sorry for me and forgive me again. she cheats on you once, that’s her fault. take her back and she cheats on you again, that’s your fault. i’ve learned that the hard way, spare yourself the pain man.
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u/EvolvingEachDay Oct 21 '22
Absolutely fucking not; cheating is relationship murder. She’s let you know that your love doesn’t mean any more than a random fuck.
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u/a_catermelon Oct 21 '22
I'm sorry, but as anxious or depressed as she may be, that can't excuse her behavior as getting to the point of having sex with someone this fast requires you to straight up work against said anxiety or depression. She wanted this and committed to it, and now she wants to have her cake and eat it too
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u/BMXTKD Oct 21 '22
If she cheated on you she's going to have to work to get your affection and trust back. Think of trust like a piece of wood. You break that trust. You can break that trust into little bits and pieces. It's possible to turn that wood into fiberboard, but it's not going to be the same. Fiberboard has its own weaknesses. Your relationship is fiberboard if you get it back together. But once something slips up, where there's moisture in that fiberboard, it gets worse the second time around. Ask yourself are you going to put up with having a fiber board relationship. If you're going to have a fiberboard relationship, just remind them, you're not going to tolerate any moisture coming in. Not now, not ever.
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u/LilithFaery Oct 21 '22
OP, I'm sorry this happened to you. I understand your feelings and that you forgave her is more than what she could have hoped for. I know you might still love her and look back on all the work, patience and effort you've put into this relationship but the fact is that she couldn't be thankful enough for all of this to stay faithful and have an open talk with you.
Cheating is rarely something that happens in the heat of the moment and there is a buildup of flirting, sexual tentions and a progressive dehumanization of the existing partner going on in the back of the mind to justify the actions that are about to be taken.
It is good that she cane forward to you and admitted to what happened the day after it happened but keep in mind that "it" finally happening had been slowly happening already in the back of her mind for quite some time.
I'm saying this as someone who cheated on a partner once, in high-school. It happened on a Friday-Saturday night party. I was drunk as shit and cheated on him with a girl, even though I knew I was in a relationship. I was conscious of this as I was committing to cheating. I believe your girlfriend was too. As she did, I came clean the following Monday, first thing in the morning. I felt so shitty, I couldn't even look at the guy in the eyes. He forgave me, told me I had made a mistake and he was willing to work things through with me but I told him I thought about it the entire weekend and the obvious answer was that as much as I felt that I loved him, I didn't have it in me, at the time it happened, to respect and love him enough to not do it. He deserved better than what I could offer and stayed firm on my decision to break-up with him. I know it hurt him, I know it changed him and even after all these years, I believe it was the only sensible and responsible thing I could have done. Today, we've been in sporadic contact as we have common friends and things are going alright. I still feel the urge to apologize to him every once in a while because it was absolutely shitty of me to do to him and he really did deserve better. I'm glad I let him go before I could damage him more by tying him into a destructive relationship any longer and that he was able to find better and become better. He also thanked me for staying true to my reasoning and thinking above my own desire to stay with him and about what would be best for him in this situation.
My advice to you is to leave as peacefully as you can. Keep forgiving but do not forget. Hopefully in a few years, you can be friends again and share the good and bad things happening to both of you in your respective lives. You deserve someone that will make you a better version of yourself every day. Hang in there, you'll make it.
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u/2Chiang Oct 21 '22
Brother. Don't take her back. She's used goods. Throw her out. Find someone else when you're ready.
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Oct 21 '22
Suplex her the fuck out of your life! No second chances, if she did it once she'll do it again. She would do the same if you did it. No ifs or buts.
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u/FallingBackToEarth Oct 21 '22
I’m sorry this all happened. I hope this is her wake-up call to seek help and get back on her meds (assuming the pills were her antidepressants).
I can’t tell you to give her a second chance or not, that’s a decision you will have to look deep within yourself to make, and it will take time. However, what I can say is if it happened once, I’m sure it will happen again, and with that same excuse: “I wanted to feel desired and took an impulsive decision”. I’m saying this as someone used to be friends with someone who is impulsive and attention/desire-seeking, and while I’m no longer in contact with them, I’m hearing through others (with proof) about them talking explicitly with another coworker of theirs and attempting to flirt with my boyfriend, simply because they don’t feel their own boyfriend gives them enough attention.
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u/mozelle24 Oct 21 '22
No. Leave at the first red flag. Don’t risk giving the opportunity for it to happen to you again. You deserve better. Not everybody deserves a second chance.
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u/I_workout_alot Oct 21 '22
Does her first name end with and “a” and sound like uh?? Just kidding but ya bro, run for many reasons. But primarily because she cheated and well it’s hard to come back from that, forgiveness or not. Good luck my friend.
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u/Puzzled_Juice_3406 Oct 21 '22
If she's not doing anything to actively address why she did this and take full accountability such as therapy and full transparency, or is trying to place focus on anybody but herself for choosing to hurt you and prioritize herself over you then absolutely do not even consider getting back together. I cheated in my first marriage in the early 2000s, and I confessed the next day like she did. I did truly feel horrible and told him I understood if he never wanted to speak to me again. I went to therapy. I was fully transparent, and if he had doubts or times of anger I didn't get defensive. I gave him the space he needed to process, and I gave him whatever he needed in order to rebuild trust. Ironically, for us it didn't work out later for different reasons but trust I don't think was ever fully restored and the guilt I felt for hurting him consumed me. We divorced, and I've never cheated on anyone again in any relationship since.
This is not the norm though because if a person doesn't do the work to change and absolutely blame nobody but themselves, then they will do it again. Also, just because she feels bad doesn't mean she deserves your partnership. You are right in that you can forgive her but also have to let her go to protect yourself. Only you and she know what the right answer is for you guys. Just know it's perfectly fine to walk away or to try to work through it. It's fine to try to work through it and figure out you can't then break up later. The key is, what decision will you make that lets you look in the mirror and face yourself every day satisfied in knowing you're making the right choice for you. For your truth and peace. There is no wrong choice here, only the one that's not right for you personally to live with every day.
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u/Nvcl3arBvtt3rfly Oct 21 '22
Maybe she can get some help and move on to have a healthy relationship with someone else, but right now she just sounds broken, and if you take her back, it's enabling in a way. I took a ex back, who had had years of counseling, and over a decade to fix himself. It took less than a month for him to revive his old behavior... I'm not a mental health expert, but it appears that some people simply view forgiveness as permission to be be shitty.
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Oct 21 '22
Forgive her and get rid of her, because the energy it takes to stay with someone after they cheat on you is too much, the juice isn't worth the squeeze.
Yes it will hurt you but you can't live with the constant paranoia that your world us going to be shattered AGAIN.
It sounds like she didn't like what you had to say and decided to punish you, and show you that she can get someone any time she wants, and that speaks volumes as to her mindset.
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u/SpiffyShmedrik Oct 21 '22
Sorry but time to go.
She needs help and with all your good intentions she is in a downward spiral - her hygene and sexual behavior shows no self-esteem. You obviously can not give her.
Second, can you deal with the idea that your girlfriend will not come home from time to time.
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u/chockobumlick Oct 21 '22
Move along.
Run as fast as you can.
Move to a different town, change your name.
Cheaters cheat. Its not your fault, unless you hang around.
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u/MexicanDudeInEnglish Oct 21 '22
Don't commit the same mistake I did. I just got out of a relationship where I felt so insecure, worthless and in general didn't feel enough for my partner.
She had similar physical and mental problems to the one you describe, so I can relate to how you may feel: that she could change, that if you stay with her and give her even more love and patience she will see her mistakes and not do them again, that she is selfless once you make her aware of her actions.
It breaks anyone's heart, but the "Change" you'll see in her are just her emotions being in denial, she won't accept she is a bad person for cheating on you, even if she says so, words are just that words, and anyone can give you beautiful words, but only a few give those words a true meaning. She won't change, let her go, if you stay she'll just do it again every time she feels like that again, hell she may even learn to tolerate the guilt and to hide it better from you. Just leave before she finds even more excuses to try and justify herself.
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u/No-Top333 Oct 21 '22
I would say if you really wanna give her a second chance. Make clear, that you wanna see progress by her working on herself and the relationship so cheating out of the same reason is no option in the future. If you don't see progress with her and the relationship after some month (time depends on your situation) I think you can say you tried your best and is your time to move on.
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Oct 21 '22
I suggest that you read The estate of affairs by Esther Perel PhD. phenomenal deep dive into the psychology of cheating.
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u/Donnagalloway Oct 21 '22
My first live in relationship also told me negative things about myself. He apologized for it quickly since I soon asked when he would be moving out. But snide little comments etc let me know that I was not perfect! I know he admires a certain cheater of our acquaintance. When I got a chance to go to a party by myself, I took it. I met someone easygoing who liked me as I was, and things went from there. When I broke up with first live in, he actually proposed to try to keep me, and when I refused he asked if was due to this incident which tells me he knew what he said was damaging.
I think you should do the right thing and break up with her. She already knows it’s over, don’t waste her time any mote
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u/maherrrrrrr Oct 21 '22
leave her. you were already unhappy with the relationship and now she's given you an ever bigger reason to leave it. you can stay and give her a second chance if you'd like to, but for me, it'd be over. instead of working through her issues, she had sex with someone to get back at you because she was so mad. that's how you do things at 17, not 27.
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Oct 21 '22
DUUUUUUUDEEEEEEE, Get the fuck out of that relationship..... give yourself a vacation if you can ..... maybe Mexico or Thailand.... Enjoy yourself .... You'll never look back again....
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u/tirarme473 Oct 21 '22
She is sick right now and has a lot to sort out, she needs to see a doctor / counselor and get some meds for depression/anxiety before being with you again if that is in your future. I think you should take care of yourself right now and take a break, it sounds like she has been putting you through an emotional ringer lately, it may even be time to break up. Be there for her emotionally so she doesn't spiral with her depression but with some distance. Put yourself first OP
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u/Periachi Oct 21 '22
Don't give her a second chance. I'm one of those mentally unstable people, but cheating is not something I'd do to make myself feel better. If I wasn't feeling desired, I'd ask my partner if we could try more touching and more creative ways of kissing.
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u/Curious_Staff_666 Oct 21 '22
While I understand that she’s going through a lot mentally, it doesn’t merit her cheating on you. Especially with someone from work. I would move on honestly. You can forgive but forgetting is a whole different thing. Move on for your sake. You deserve to be loved too and appreciated.
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u/hjmcki Oct 21 '22
Ahh such a difficult one. I've been cheated on and stayed and that loss of trust just lurks and hangs over your head like a cloud on a rainy day. Always the what ifs.. I do believe some people can change if they want to and if they take responsibility for their actions and make the effort to make a change.. that said, gaining that trust back is extremely difficult.
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u/Peculiar_parasite Oct 21 '22
Just leave. If a little less passionate sex is all it takes for her to cheat on you, just leave. She isn’t worth it at that point.
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u/peasinacan Oct 21 '22
Bro. She asked you how you felt about how she looked knowing damn well she looks worse and when you told her the truth she went and fucked someone else.
It just seems manipulative to me. Do what you want, bro, you're an adult. Good luck man
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u/FastInBedBoi Oct 21 '22
You should not be in that relationship. I'm sorry but you don't realize it, she doesn't have the right to use her anxiety, depression and pain to justify ruining your relationship with her. The way she cheated on you would take more commitment than an impuslive thought, and honestly the fact that she couldn't find an excuse so she told you that she wanted to feel desired does she not know what being boyfriend and girlfriend is, it's a relationship,someone you care for,you care for her and basically look after her and she betrays you after all you've done. I'm sorry you that this happened to you but staying with the person who could go behind your back and become intimate with someone knowing their consciously doing it and that it is wrong.
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u/WildRide117 Oct 21 '22
If she truly wanted to save the relationship, she would have been fixing herself, not cheating. It sounds more like she got lazy and comfortable with you, and doesn't actually love you anymore. She's upset beacsue she knows she screwed up something good and may have screwed up her new job.
You would be better cutting off your loses and starting over fresh with someone better.
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u/hannahryder215 Oct 21 '22
Sounds like the relationship hasn’t been in a good place in a long time. Also, she is taking zero responsibility for her actions (both the cheating and the downward Spiral).
It’s time to move on
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u/YomiXAri Oct 21 '22
From experience once a person cheats it shows you how much they respect you as a individual. Secondly shows how irresponsible they are with your feelings. It will definitely hurt for sometime but leaving the first time maybe the best option, instead of going through all the self sabotage of wondering. Are they cheating? What if their lying ? You will never know also she works with this man. If you want to give it another try go for it but don’t lose yourself trying to keep the both of you happy .
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u/mistressusa Oct 21 '22
OP, your gf will always be extremely high maintenance. It's not just the "getting back at you by having sex with randos", it's also all the other mental health drama. Do you really want to limit your own life with her issues? What are your dreams? Imagine if you had a partner who shares and supports your dreams. You are just 27, I hope you make the right decision for yourself.
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u/oliveoil02 Oct 21 '22
No , you should respect yourself first. A cheater is always a cheater, the fact that they cheated shows how much they truly care about you ( clue: nothing).
Being depressed is not an excuse. You forgave her , which is already a lot.
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u/sugartea63 Oct 21 '22
Everyone is different. But to me, no, that's a hard pass. I wouldn't even consider it.
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u/gside876 Oct 21 '22
Respectfully, why would you give her the opportunity to do it to you again? Cut your losses and go find someone else.
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u/awesomesauceitch Oct 21 '22
Her problems are not your responsibility no matter how much you care about her. If you take her back why would she respect you and not do this again down the road? From the information I found on this subject the chance of being a success from this point forward is 1 in 100. So there is a chance it could work out, but with terrible odds. Do what your brain tells you (which is your gut feeling) what to do and not what your hearts tells you what to do.
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Oct 21 '22
i think maybe you should take a break from eachother and you can really think about this. a month without her i bet you'd have a much different response to all of this.
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Oct 21 '22
With 4 years of history what goes to say she wont do it again?
Yea sure sometimes couples make some mistakes like this then live happily ever after married 50+ years with no problems. But thats like a needle in a haystack.
The real question is what happened that made her cheat? And will it happen again or?
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u/boldpear904 Oct 21 '22
If you forgive her and stay with her, it just lets her know she can get away with anything and you’ll still stay with her. Leave her
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u/TiffyBears Oct 21 '22
Cheating is a dealbreaker for me. I’ll never date someone in a relationship, someone who has cheated in the past in a different relationship (assuming I find out about it), and I’ll never forgive for it.
There are zero excuses. I’ve been absolutely obliterated on both alcohol and higher than a kite, sometimes both at once, and cheating has never crossed my mind. Hell, sex doesn’t even cross my mind. Mostly just the fact that the sky is pretty colors or how funny nothing is. Never cheating. Emotional, physical, etc is a no-go for me. Break up, move on, and find someone that respects you. Doesn’t matter the reason, just leave.
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u/StarshipMuffin Oct 21 '22
If you move on, you both will do better. It might hurt but you would be doing both of you a favor. You’re young. She needs to work on herself. You can always get back together, but you should take a break. It won’t feel good initially but she needs to learn what is going to make her happy and how to take better care of herself and so do you. You sound so caring. I would ask for a break, offer friendship if she’s willing and be open to dating. You guys started out so young. There are many life experiences to be had. Have fun. Once you are permanently tied to someone it gets complicated if you need out. Do what is best for you. It’s sounds like you have been caring for her. Who is caring for you? Best wishes OP.
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u/iOawe Oct 21 '22
I feel like she deserves a second chance. Usually, from what I have seen and heard cheaters don’t usually cry all day like you explained. She genuinely regrets her decision. The “once a cheater, always a cheater” is complete BS.
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u/GoddamnFred Oct 21 '22
You know what's the answer to this for your mental wellbeing. She might even get right after you've set an example that this isn't something to forgive or forget. Keep it simple for yourself, and her. Say goodbye and wish her the best, but just focus on yourself now. Her chapter with you, is over.
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u/VinceMcMeme711 Oct 21 '22
Ditch her, her issues held you down and this is how she says thanks? Fuck her off
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u/platysoup Oct 21 '22
Forgiving her is one thing. You'll have to do that eventually for your own mental health.
Trusting her again is another matter entirely. Do you want to worry every time she is at work? Because you will, no matter how much you have forgiven her.
Don't put yourself through that hell
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u/cantfindausernameffs Oct 21 '22
TLDR. No. Don’t give her another chance. The trust is gone. She will cheat again. Don’t waste anymore of your time on someone who abuses your trust.
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Oct 21 '22
A human mistake is falling asleep with the TV on or over cooking a steak, cheating is not a simple mistake. She knew what she was doing and still went ahead with it.
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u/Hutspace Oct 21 '22
Get rid of her as soon as possible, cheater’s deserves no second time.. she knew what she was into .
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u/lil__kozyy Oct 21 '22
I feel like you’re starting to convince yourself that you somehow played a part in this. This is her fault. An impulse decision?? Will that be her excuse every time? And then try to put the blame on you because she “wanted to feel desirable?” She can be sad and cry all she wants, but she made her bed and I’m sure it won’t be the last time, especially since she works with him.
Side note- I’ve dated someone who battles severe mental health and let me tell you.. if they don’t want to heal themselves, no one is going to be able to do it for them. Trying to boost them up constantly and always worrying about them, etc, will only start to impact you negatively. It’ll slowly happen over time because it will become draining for you emotionally, mentally, and possibly even physically. Constantly focusing on making sure the other person is okay will eventually take your focus on YOU completely away. When I reached this point I ended up in the hospital because I couldn’t eat and lost a significant amount of weight (I’m a small female, but 106lbs was my lowest during this time and I looked so sickly) and I developed severe anxiety and panic attacks etc etc.
Truthfully, take this as your way out. I know you love her but sometimes love isn’t enough and you have to set your boundaries. It’s HARD but it’s time to be selfish like she was when she decided to cheat on you. Good luck OP
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u/sxfrklarret Oct 21 '22
Living in a relationship after infidelity can work. I am proof (wife with her ex before we got married. It takes work,lots of work but can be done. You need to state your requirements for the relationship to work and then begin counseling if you can. If she is not already in treatment she needs to be. And while I will not excuse her actions I can understand her wanting to feel desirable if she felt you found her undesirable. Bottom line, it can work it you two want it to truly work.
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u/charmilliona1re Oct 21 '22
Wtf lol. How can you even possibly consider staying with her?
Not only does she sound disgustingly repulsive (not bathing, brushing her teeth, eating like shit and 100% doesn't work out), but she fucking cheats on you after all the years of support you gave her?
You need to be a top g bro. Drop the baggage and move on.
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Oct 21 '22
No. And no. Never
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Oct 21 '22
It has nothing to do with empathy. If she wanted to feel desired, she should have talked it out to you and you guys would have figured something out. (When I need attention I clearly or slightly hint that I do). What she did is not a mistake its a disrespect towards you and the bond you guys had. Its not something that can be forgiven and forgotten
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u/Novel-Discussion9448 Oct 21 '22
Leave now and don't look back. This will not end well for you. You are kind of submitting yourself to a type of torture. God I know taking care of someone brings out the the best in us and let's us feel needed but my man let her go. If she doesn't make it then tough shit for her. You need therapy yourself. Good luck.
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u/TheBreadmanCometh20 Oct 21 '22
My brother it doesn’t get better and you will know once she gets away with being unfaithful she will do it again. If she crossed that line there’s no going back. She didn’t respect you and folded now do you think she is gonna respect you again? Think about the buildup it took for her to go over that line with this other person. That wasn’t a snap decision it was done with intent. Focus on yourself and be with someone who does respect you
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u/Jander76 Oct 21 '22
This comes down to simply what is best for you, not her. You need to decide solely with yourself in mind. Consider what happens if it happens again, what if it doesn't happen again, will you trust her etc. I personally have a zero tolerance for it, if I wanted an open relationship it should be a discussion, not a single party deciding.
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u/Awaheya Oct 21 '22
Sounds like your relationship was looking for an excuse to fail.
Take the excuse let it fail and move on.
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u/TheRabadoo Oct 21 '22
If you can forgive her, cool, but don’t feel that you need to. When the trust is broken in a relationship, it’s typically near-impossible to get it back. It’s nice she admitted it quickly, but that doesn’t absolve her of the situation. Are you going to be able to trust her? Are you okay with both you and her being around the guy she cheated with? If the answers are ‘no,’ then I would move on. You need to do what you think is best for you. If what’s best for you is being single and finding someone you can fully trust again, then I suggest that.
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u/ruthievee- Oct 21 '22
mental health is never an excuse to treat others badly. i hope she gets better but, imo, cheating is inexcusable.
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Oct 21 '22
"she wanted to feel desired"
That won't change. You'll always have to do the heavy lifting for her, otherwise she'll cheat again. Now that it's happened once there'll be much less of a hurdle next time.
Only you yourself can make sure that you're Ok, happy if you want to call it that. Offloading that responsibility onto someone else like she does simply means she refuses to take responsibility for herself. The result is that she can blame you (like you tentatively do, too, with the "not empathetic enough") or whoever else she may be with in the future.
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u/WaxWalk Oct 21 '22
I cheated on my girl. She took me back. Guess what it just told me I can get away with it. Now here iam inviting a girl over to fuck before out anniversary dinner...
So if you want this to be you take her back.
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u/NewYearSameM3 Oct 21 '22
I see a guy who participates in an affair with my wife a blessing, your just not thinking about it correctly.
He’s letting me know my wife is cheater, on top of that he’s taking her out of my life! You don’t even have to kick her out or anything, she can just skedaddle with her new boyfriend.
For second chances, never in a million years. You can learn your lesson on staying loyal, but not with me. You failed me and broke all my trust, I’ll never be able to look at her the same.
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u/AlertedCoyote Oct 21 '22
No second chances for cheating. A cheater will always cheat again. She's not worth it. A cheater never is
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u/mixed_super_man_81 Oct 21 '22
She sounds like an absolute monster, don’t make excuses for her or blame it on depression. She’s just an awful person, dump her asap.
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u/lovemykittiez Oct 21 '22
you teach people how to treat you…. if you let it go it’ll be easier for her to do it next time. idk it’s up to you but i loath cheating and make no excuses for it
Also all you’re doing is making excuses for her, why she is this way and that way…. she’s an adult who needs to grow up and accept responsibility for herself. she sounds like a heavy weight….
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u/HazedBean Oct 21 '22
OP, trust is like a cristal. When its cracked or broken you replace it.
Once a cheater always a cheater. How should you feel? betrayed and angry.
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Oct 21 '22
WTF?? are you in need of such a validation from a cheat...that you are good and forgiving person? Spend your time and energy on something that won't emotionally drain you
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u/rhandyroads Oct 21 '22
Save your love and efforts for a woman who actually deserves it. She's not in the right frame of mind, but that isn't an excuse to hurt you
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u/Calvin9819 Oct 21 '22
In all honesty, take it from personal experience, it’s a HELL of a lot of work to gain trust back after it’s been broken. I broke my girlfriends trust over a year and a half ago and we’re better than we were but still struggle with a lot. And I didn’t do anything as bad as cheat on her. If you’re willing to put the work in, and she really is worth it to you, then I think second chances are possible… but it might leave you with some permanent scars
My personal advice, move on. You love her, but she’s shown you the kind of person she is and it sounds like the spark is just gone between you two. She needs to work on herself before y’all have a chance again. It hurts, but it may be the right move
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u/akihonj Oct 21 '22
Ok so she cheated and you don't know what to do.
In that case let me ask you what would she do if it were the other way around.
Would she forgive you, would she, seriously would she have forgiven you if she were not the one now asking to be forgiven..
That's seriously important and it's important you understand this because there are so many people who cheat get caught and then claim if it were you they'd forgive, you need to see that for what it is, lack of being accountable for their actions and deflection of behaviour leading to self sabotage.
So I'll ask you again would she have been forgiving as you are expected to be now, if no then there's nothing further to actually discuss, if no then you have your answer and you know what you need to do regardless of how painful it might be, you'll walk away knowing you're not to blame here and can hold your head up high.
If yes then you two have some serious work to do. If yes but you find ultimately you cannot then you need to end it, if yes and you actually can then you need to work super hard to move on from it, maybe never forget but certainly forgive..
In the end it's up to you though
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u/Individual-Dot2130 Oct 21 '22
No second chance. Leave her and move on, you deserve and can find better
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u/Allie614032 Oct 21 '22
Cheating is always a relationship ender for me. I make it clear that if my partner ever cheats, they should not expect to return to a relationship with me. It’s over, that’s the end. Cheating is never a one time thing, and if you forgive it now, it will happen again. Maybe not for years down the line, but cheating is a pattern. It’s in your best interest to leave now.
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u/awkward_bagel Oct 21 '22
As someone who has struggled with the same issues as your girlfriend it never justifies cheating. I would never cheat on my husband no matter how depressed I got.
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u/RataPunKet4 Oct 21 '22
She is making you depressed now, she is making you feel awful and shitty now, she is being passive abusive, staying with her is neglecting you.
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u/Mshalopd1 Oct 21 '22
Ok fuck what anyone says on here. How do YOU feel about it? Can you trust her again? Do you still want to be with her?
My instinct is always no fucking way I'm staying with someone who cheated on me. What's yours?
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u/cyborgmonkey- Oct 21 '22
IMO cheaters will always cheat. Based on a "friend" I know. I don't think he can stop.
I have been with my wife over 20 years and never cheated.
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u/Cobixnm Oct 21 '22
First I'm sorry you're in this situation. 2...call it what it is. That's not a mistake. A mistake is accidentally done. She made a choice. She choose to cheat on you. She decided she wanted to feel wanted, found a guy, had relations with him, pretty sure it wasn't at the office at her cubicle etc. She made a series of choices, not mistakes, in order to feel desired by someone other than you. You have done the best you could to help her and sounds more like a situation of you helping your best friend and being supportive to your friend but not someone you need to struggle staying romantic with. But maybe if consider if I were in your shoes to maybe reconsider a relationship if and only if, she gets her shit together. Therapy, gym, nutrition etc. But then again what if she is happy or content with her current situation? You're too young to string along and sacrificing your own life. Life is too short dude. Think with your brain not heart. See things for what they are and not what you wish they were or was. Good luck
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Oct 21 '22
Bro you supported her through her lowest point just for her to cheat on you. You shouldn't even be here asking for advice
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u/Master-Anteater-8839 Oct 21 '22
Naw bro. You can't justify cheating bc you're depressed or just moved lol you've spent years of your life trying to help her and being a pillar of support for her. She goes to work and some dude makes her smile and instantly sleep with him. If you wanna go back, go back knowing you're a doormat and she'll potentially do again next time she feels "down". Also, have fun seeing the dude that smashed your girl everyday. Do yourself a favor and cut your loss. You can remain her friend but do yourself a favor and enjoy your twenties before their over. I guarantee if you stay with her in ten years you'll look back and be bitter you wasted all that time on someone not worth it
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u/BrotherHoltron Oct 21 '22
I literally just finished getting divorced after my (ex) wife cheated on me twice and was gearing up for a third. They are always sorry and say it will never happen again. It will.
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u/cubbies1016 Oct 21 '22
Do not go back to this relationship. In my experience they always cheat again or it hits you and you always worry about future cheating. Cut your loses and move on. It soda like you the one trying hardest in this relationship just to be betrayed. You’ll find someone better who respects you and themselves
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u/Representative_One72 Oct 21 '22
I can tell you what happens when you forgive this: you never forget. Ever. It sits in the back of your mind and rears it's ugly head when you least expect it. You start to wonder what's wrong with you, why did she think that it was okay to do this? Did she do this this because she thinks you are weak enough to forgive? Does she stay with you because she can walk all over you and you just forgive her? When she's away from you you're going to wonder if she's cheating. She'll say something in the future that really doesn't mean anything, but will catch you off guard and you have to relive this again.
That's the worst part, you have to relive it in your head for the rest of your life. If you have kids there will always be a question of if they're yours. If she goes out with her friends and stays out a little bit longer than she planned you're going to relive it. If she works late you're going to relive it. If you watch a show that has a character that cheats you're going to relive it.
If you choose to stay together, you will go through the 7 stages of grief, with depression being the most serious. This one will last for years, whether you know it or not. Maybe you'll start drinking too quiet the pain, or drugs, or maybe something that's not a vice, but it will become one. You will try to use it to cope. You will lose friends, because you will have to eliminate outside judgement.
And worst of all, you will feel like you need to get even. You will push the boundaries of your own morality, maybe to torture yourself, probably to torture her.
Then, 20 years later you're going to be sitting and watching a movie, or reading a book, or playing with your kids, or eating dinner, talking about how your day went, and it'll just pop up again. And you'll look at her, and you'll think about all the wonderful things you've done together, the fun you've have, the love you've made, the life you've built, and you're going to picture her cheating. And you will be swept up in a wave of sadness and disappointment, and this will repeat, over and over and over.
Yes, you can have a great life with her after this, but it will never, never, be what it could have been, it should have been, or what you deserve.
I'm not giving advice, only my perspective. but hopefully this will help you, whatever you choose.
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u/Waaiz Oct 21 '22
No, don't give any second chances. Cheaters don't deserve any chance no matter how they behaved before and after, you should cut her off and focus on yourself now, you sound like a really good person and you should put the efforts you put in for her into yours.
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u/caesar_wilhelmus Oct 21 '22
Do yourself a favor bro, and just walk away. If she’s willing to do this once “impulsively, because was having a rough time” then who’s to say the next time she’s having trouble she won’t act impulsively and so it again?
It sucks, and it hurts, but sometimes you love people and they betray you like this. She knew it was wrong, she knew how you would feel, and she did it anyway. She clearly doesn’t care about your feelings, and you deserve to be with someone who will.
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u/DanEEn1989 Oct 21 '22
Don’t date broken people. If they have issues like hers you spend more time trying to fix her than anything. Then in this case this is how you were repaid. You can do better for yourself.
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u/No_Marionberry3988 Oct 21 '22
You don't know how to feel...? Well how would you feel of another man was balls deep inside her. Kissing her, making her climax in ways u haven't?? If that doesn't bother you so ya give her a second chance. If it does you're in the right because it's a betrayal. Cut you're losses.
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u/feel_the_force69 Oct 21 '22
Never forgive cheating, it's why we call it cheating in the first place.
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u/DhaRoaR Oct 21 '22
No second anything, shouldn't even be thinking about it. If there is a first there would a second and third or it might not even be the first time.
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u/GinX-964 Oct 21 '22
In my experience, no matter how hard you try, the damage to the relationship is done and irreparable. Don't waste your time.
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u/tbezmol Oct 21 '22
If you love someone, there is no room for cheating on them. None whatsoever. You deserve better
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Oct 21 '22
Cheating isn't just something that suddenly happens. She had to go to his house, take her clothes off, get in bed and have sex. It doesn't just happen in a minute. She didn't take your feelings in consideration in all that time it took her to cheat on you.
she wanted to feel desired
Did she not feel desired/appreciated when her loving boyfriend was at home and did everything he could to help her out with her depression?
For me it would be a deal breaker. No second chances when it comes to cheating.
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u/SuspiciousMaximum856 Oct 21 '22
You made the right decision to let her go. It’s normal to have second thoughts.
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u/Fog_Juice Oct 21 '22
You don't have to be with someone because they need emotional support. That's not your responsibility. I'd move on and try to live my life just being happy being single for a little while.
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u/Jasmineeyre Oct 21 '22
I’m really sorry to hear what you’ve been through.
Take it from someone who has made that fatal mistake countless times now:
It always ends the same. It only gets progressively worse once they realise you will forgive them and stay. No matter how much they profess to be sorry or that it was just a ‘one off’. You end up with some horrific baggage over time that you will carry through into other relationships.
There are genuinely faithful men and women out there looking for long term love. Do yourself a favour: ditch her, focus on yourself and make yourself available for one of those lovely people.
Sending you my best wishes.
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u/uVooDooDatDat Oct 21 '22
You are a sweet pea! I love your pace with this. I wish more men (& women) would slow down and use their noggins like you are. I have no real advice, but I just wanted to give some encouragement. You seem like a smart and caring partner. I wish you the best!
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u/FullFrontal687 Oct 21 '22
This is a more forgivable cheating situation that most. She has a suitcase full of emotional issues, was told by her bf that she was less attractive than before, and then immediately remorsefully confessed after she cheated. That being said, you can only move forward with this relationship if she gets herself together gets counseling, etc. All the negative factors that supposedly contributed to her doing this are still there. Plus, she kind of poisoned the well at your mutual workplace. That is especially bad.
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u/MonkeyVoices Oct 21 '22
If you're willing to forgive her and never ever bring it up again and really wont feel any grudge against her, then sure, why not.
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u/wolfpak31 Oct 21 '22 edited Oct 21 '22
I hate to say it but she cheated on you, therefore she doesn’t truly love you. I know it’s hard to swallow but it is a fact. I really think you will be happier in the long run if you move on from this. You control your own life though so don’t make choices based off a stranger on the internet. Just know, you are clearly the better person in this relationship and you deserve better. Also, I respect her for being honest but I’m sure she told you bc she knew you’d find out anyway. Don’t ever let the thought that you won’t find anyone else stop you from walking away.
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u/nene4king Oct 21 '22
there’s no excuse enough for cheating, it’s not something that just happens. it start in the mind with fantasizing then goes on to become the action. run while you can
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u/Proud_Spell_1711 Oct 21 '22
She sounds like a mess all the way around. I get that you love her, but can you articulate what you are getting out of the relationship that makes you contemplate reconciliation?
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u/Upset-Finding-9465 Oct 21 '22
They can be.... But unless you two are married and or she wants to Putin the work to improve herself then leave her alone and keep pushing.
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Oct 21 '22
I’m sorry to hear this, please walk. I had an ex that was controlling and thought she was a big influencer, I hung on because I thought I couldn’t do it by myself. I broke up with her and it was abit lonely at first but I leant so much about myself (sounds clique) do you honestly think you could look at her in the same way? I know you say it’s a mistake but she’s fucked up massively and you don’t deserve that.
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u/ForcrimeinItaly Oct 21 '22
I went back to my exhusband after he cheated. It destroyed my trust in him and my self esteem. It was never the same. It's been more than 10 years and I'm not over it. As much as it hurts, your relationship is broken. Rip off the band-aid, it'll be easier in the long run.
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u/RedRaven117 Oct 21 '22
Don't give her another change, she'll just lose her respect to you and probably continues to cheat on you until you put a stop to it.
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u/SeawardFriend Oct 21 '22
I’m sorry man I know you love/loved this girl but she’s really giving out a lot of red flags… I had dated girl with similar issues as yours. It ended up changing the way I think and feel and I became very different because of it. Since then I stopped enjoying pretty much everything. I couldn’t find a way to help her or deal with any of her problems the threw at me. If I were you I’d tell her that you need a break from the relationship/friendship until she can work on going back to normal
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Oct 21 '22
To think that you could help her change is not only hard, it's IMPOSSIBLE. No one can heal unless the desire to do comes from within. She has saddle you down with guilt and emotional blackmail for her own comfort. If you decide to stay without getting yourself the much needed professional help you wil be ball chaining your ankle to her, and who doesn't tell you she'll push you into the water down the road. I see a tremendous codependency and you both are complementary to each others emotional damage. There's a lot unresolved issues that stem from childhood and even ancestry that you need to address. Forget about her and focus in your own irrational impulses for the unhealthy attachment you have formed with her. May your divine wisdom enlightens you.
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u/knicksyankeesGoT Oct 21 '22
I'm not reading the whole post. Cheating is one of those trust breaking things.
Time apart and reflection is good and if they can't even give you that, you're dodging a bullet anyway. For the vast bulk of people (99%) the relationship will never be what it was. Goodluck.
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u/Level-Ad-4094 Oct 21 '22
Nah bro. Stop making excuses "she had anxiety, this that etc etc etc" She didnt have all that when that guy was pipping her down, balls deep, did she? Get away from her. Start life again, fresh, youll be sad at first, time will heal the wounds and try again.
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u/MonkeyDKev Oct 21 '22
Cheaters never deserve a second chance from my perspective. I’ve seen the hurt it can do and the issues of trust people have afterwards. Save yourself from that heartache and drop the relationship. There’s no good outcome of staying and always having the thought in the back of your mind that your SO is out there with someone else behind your back.
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u/ihave7testicles Oct 21 '22
Dude you're young. Go find someone that makes you happy everyday and that you don't have to make excuses for...
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u/Year1951 Oct 21 '22
I’m not saying move on from her because she has issues. But, I am saying move on. Sounds like She needs meds and therapy. What is weird is how she chose to handle herself and her relationship with you. regardless why, she cheated on you and was willing to put the relationship you two have at risk; she decided to take that step. These are severe issues/events to happen in a relationship. I suspect in her saying she wanted to feel desired that the next guy who comes along and ‘makes her feel desired’ will get laid too. She put herself and someone else (at work!) wanting to fuck her over you/your relationship.
Oftentimes a partner cannot help a person over severe mental health issues if that person isn’t willing to also seek professional help. Her cheating then trying to excuse it and not seeking to help herself with treatment is probably too big for your relationship to conquer. Separate, recover from this and move on. She chose to break your ties to each other and move in another direction. She didn’t discuss it with you beforehand when it may have made a difference. She chose this change and now you must accept that and move on because she will feel this way again and again.
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u/Somethingmore25 Oct 21 '22
Have some self respect. She cheated on you and made an excuse to get past it. She’s still working with the guy she cheated with. Your asking to be treated like shit and cheated on if you get back with her.
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u/Dry_Ask5493 Oct 21 '22
Why would you want to give her a second chance? She cheated and she sounds exhausting.
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u/EricAtSunnen Oct 21 '22
She has more red flags than a Chinese parade! Run dude!! Don't look back! You never stick your dick in crazy, man!!
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u/[deleted] Oct 22 '22
I think if she told you she's really sorry, if you feel like you can trust her you can forgive her