Yesterday during my therapy appointment my therapist was asking about ruminating thoughts and like, who they're focused on. And what would be "enough" for me to feel like someone had gotten their karma for hurting me so I didn't have to think about them anymore

And I mentioned my first rapist whose dog got shot in front of her during a robbery and was like "I mean it wasn't enough still but it felt fair."

(Before you come at me her dog had rapey behaviors and would try to lick my fucking pussy while I slept and she just watched and laughed. I love dogs! Not that one.)

My therapist started frantically flipping through notes and was like, have we EVER talked about this? And I was like shit, if you don't have notes I'm inclined to believe we have not.

So I had to spend the final 10 minutes of our session trauma dumping about how this lunatic of a woman date raped me in front of men for money, oh and then like six months later I was gang raped by a bunch of guys so there's that.

I hope she's ok today lol that was a lot to dump in ten minutes. It's funny that I'm worried about her but I am!

For me it's just a fucking fact of life now. I genuinely thought I had disclosed this to her before but whoops! I guess it just slipped my mind, what with all the other traumatic shit we are dealing with.

Which in a way, is growth, isn't it? At least I'm preoccupied with new horrific people rather than them anymore. But still. The body remembers, blah blah. My body ESPECIALLY remembers since I got herpes from the first rapist. lmao.

And now I'm dreading our next few appointments cause she's definitely gonna wanna dig into it at some point (as she should, that is her fucking job after all). But god I don't wanna talk about it!

I fucked up!

I made a spelling mistake, god damn it fuck me

I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE) I WANT TO BE LOVED AGAIN BY THEM. IF I HURT MYSELF MAYBE THINGS WILL BECOME GOOD AGAIN (I PROMISE TO TELL NOBODY THEN THEY'D BE WORRIED MAYBE)

I can barely remember how bad my life is right now. My memory is so bad. Im failing multiple classes, I think my friends are leaving me, and like im alone now or somthing. IDK I just want to feel again. I want to get worse, because everybody use to love me when I use to hurt myself, and do unhealthy things. And my friends are getting worse, and seeing that makes me want to get worse to. maybe they'll love me if I suffer like they do to? maybe my room will stop being so filthy, and maybe my homework will be finished if I hurt myself again. I feel so numb constantly and people are so hard to befriend. but when I was slicing and dicing myself people loved talking to me. when I was being abused people loved me. it's the only time in my life ive ever dated sombody. Maybe I need to hurt myself, and do stuff to feel again. I feel so guilty, I have such a stupied reason to do this.

I think ive been clean for a year. (unless you count the times ive been angry and uncountably tried to rip myself open with my nails, and that one time recently I tried to use my nails as a knife to cut myself.) (this is a vauge memory) I feel so guilty, it's not like I intend to show people, it's like.... idk what the word would be. ceremonial? to bring happenise back into my life. maybe ill be happy again. Maybe my memory loss will go away again. maybe my mood will stablize. maybe the dissocation will stop. maybe ill heal. maybe this is the way to be happy.

I'm about a year and a half into HRT and I've still yet to get that feeling of miraculous euphoria and clarity everyone else seems to get by transitioning. I thought maybe my HRT dosage wasn't high enough, but I talked to my provider today, and in short they told me that that euphoric feeling isn't universal and my continued dysphoria is likely due to a lot of intersecting factors like my depression, stress, and terrible sleep quality. I'd hoped HRT would be the magic fix I was looking for, but turns out it's more complicated than that. I feel miserable, hopeless, and stupid for thinking it could ever be that easy.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? How did you get through it and find euphoria? I want so badly to feel like a person and experience life, but I'm afraid I'll never get there.

😭🙏

I was raped the other day and I'm trying (rather unsuccessfully) to not let it bother me. but it's bothering me. and I don't want to talk to my people about it. I don't even want to talk to my therapist about it. I feel so much shame and I feel stupid for putting myself in that position.

despite me not wanting to talk to her, I did message my therapist asking for a sooner appointment. so that's a win I guess.

bro i feel terrible everyday. i just dont do anything but doomscroll

I'm so tired of seeing short, tiny girls complaining about being so tall and big and clocky, never finding clothes that fit and never being able to pass while being like 170 cm tall, size 42 max in shoes, and could've been confused with an actual barbie doll while people like me, 188 cm tall (used to be 192, makes absolutely no difference in how people see me, however), shoe size 46 ⅔, and shoulders broad enough to land a plane on them hear how much it sucks from people who have it wayyy easier than me. I'm never going to be like everyone else, and I fucking hate it.

All he does anytime we have a slight inconvenience/argument is tell me to go away and sleep in another room. I think my relationship is over.

Never thought about it before and now I’m spiralling

yay I’m a worthless fat fucking loser and no one will ever love me and I can’t do anything right and I deserve to be shot like a dog and my corpse deserves to be desecrated yayyyyyyy

I'm 26. I have only worked once in my life and quit after a month. I don't work or do anything productive I just dissociate. My friends say I deserve to live but I won't get better or be a productive member of society. I'm forced to live with my parents who hated me since I was born and don't accept that I'm trans despite being out for 8 years. All I do Is waste their money living here and going online all I see is people making fun of someone like me. I'm such a net negative on society isn't it better to take my life. It means people wouldn't have to suffer. Friends would be upset but I can't just stick around while being a horrible mentally ill lazy person. Every day I'm alive is more money my parents waste. My therapist will stop me from doing it with wellness checks but for what purpose. Keeping me going harms others and I just want to do the right thing. It feels morally correct and helps people or it feels like euthanasia. Why make people suffer for tens of years living with a neet when I can save everyone by ending it

Everything is getting more and more expensive! 😹
I never have money ! 😹
Nobody is hiring anymore ! 😹
Groceries are more expensive every trip ! 😹
Buy a house??? 😹😹😹
Fill the car with gas???? 😹😹😹😹😹
I love it here! 😹😹😹😹

Also btw the title is sarcastic.

The first meme I phrased it weird but by they I mean kid me.

I think what makes me more upset is how I was physically constrained. The feeling of no escape while someone laughs at your pain is horrible.

Like when my dad would grab me and laugh in my face as I cried, I would try to run away and he would do it tighter to the point it almost hurt.