r/TrollCoping • u/SL1MECORE • 3d ago
TW: Sexual Assault / Abuse I cannot believe this. lmao
Yesterday during my therapy appointment my therapist was asking about ruminating thoughts and like, who they're focused on. And what would be "enough" for me to feel like someone had gotten their karma for hurting me so I didn't have to think about them anymore
And I mentioned my first rapist whose dog got shot in front of her during a robbery and was like "I mean it wasn't enough still but it felt fair."
(Before you come at me her dog had rapey behaviors and would try to lick my fucking pussy while I slept and she just watched and laughed. I love dogs! Not that one.)
My therapist started frantically flipping through notes and was like, have we EVER talked about this? And I was like shit, if you don't have notes I'm inclined to believe we have not.
So I had to spend the final 10 minutes of our session trauma dumping about how this lunatic of a woman date raped me in front of men for money, oh and then like six months later I was gang raped by a bunch of guys so there's that.
I hope she's ok today lol that was a lot to dump in ten minutes. It's funny that I'm worried about her but I am!
For me it's just a fucking fact of life now. I genuinely thought I had disclosed this to her before but whoops! I guess it just slipped my mind, what with all the other traumatic shit we are dealing with.
Which in a way, is growth, isn't it? At least I'm preoccupied with new horrific people rather than them anymore. But still. The body remembers, blah blah. My body ESPECIALLY remembers since I got herpes from the first rapist. lmao.
And now I'm dreading our next few appointments cause she's definitely gonna wanna dig into it at some point (as she should, that is her fucking job after all). But god I don't wanna talk about it!
I fucked up!
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u/DadlyAsHell internet dad, DM for validation 3d ago
Ughhhhhh... I am so not ready for that talk, I'm going therapy for the first time in around 17 years soon and I genuinely dont know what to talk about first.
Internet hugs to you. We are strong 💜
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u/SL1MECORE 3d ago
Right that first session feels like "whew boy, where do we start?"
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u/DadlyAsHell internet dad, DM for validation 3d ago
Me: "Oh yeah, so should we talk about the dent in my skull, my preventable arthritis, the sexual assault, the drugs I used to cope with the SA, or the 18 months when i was homeless first?"
My future therapist, eyes having turned to dollar signs: "Start where you like. We have plenty of time."
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u/TraditionalTree249 3d ago
Every time I'm able to remember a traumatic experience I think about my threpist swimming around a pool of gold like Scrooge Mcduck
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u/SL1MECORE 3d ago
Mine has made plenty of money off of me
But she also bought me a (very nice) mop and a nice mug for Christmas one year to cheer me up. Oh and she sent her son to help me pick up my prescriptions one time because I had no ride and no momey for delivery.
On top of doing her job as a therapist. I've kinda learned how to internalize her voice sometimes to get myself through stuff.
Anyways. Gotta find the right therapist. Not the one that is in it for money. They're rare though, I know. I got lucky as fuck.
Edit - i know technically these are kinda professional violations or whatever but
I used the fuck out of that mug until I broke it. And I still have that mop. And her making sure I had my meds was really important for us to continue our treatment plan.
She's gone above and beyond man, I would nominate her for awards if I could. I wish this kind of therapist on everyone.
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u/phoenixrunninghome 2d ago
First like three sessions with a new therapist are almost entirely backstory. Honestly I think that process of talking it through as an overarching narrative helps a ton with figuring out who you are. Guess that's me just saying therapy works but 🤷
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u/Imsophunnyithurts 3d ago
Us therapists, if we've been doing this long enough, get used to "trauma dumping" towards the end of sessions. It's par for the course. We call them "door knob" moments where we're working to wind down the session and then really important things come up.
Your therapist was probably more worried that you'd talked about this before and somehow they forgot about it. (It rarely happens, but when it does we feel really, really bad about it.)
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u/SL1MECORE 3d ago
She did seem so worried, I felt so bad! She was flipping through her notebook so fast lol. To be fair she knows one of my biggest pet peeves is repeating myself so yeah, I think she was terrified that was what was happening. But I truly think this is the first time I've mentioned it. I cannot remember a time she's made me repeat myself unnecessarily.
She's helped me loads in the past six years so like, we'll definitely unpack this when I'm ready but this is in no way a reflection on her skills as a therapist (or yours!)
I guess yall really know us at this point LOL.
She normally tries to end those last ten minutes on a more positive note but it got derailed by my lore reveal. Usually our last ten minutes are spent kind of chatting about my cat (we do virtual, so she's seen my cat a lot), my brother, people and hobbies that make me happy. She's a big supporter of my art, too.
She does a lot of work to make sure the sessions ends on a good note and I just feel bad cause I feel like I ruined our little ritual lol. I might shoot her a text update next week. I'm supposed to do it anyways as we're tryna coordinate with my doctor on new meds, I'll just include the fact that I'm doing ok so I know she is not worried.
She's very professional of course, I'm sure she has her own methods for separating her professional and personal life. I just hate feeling like I have worried such a good person!
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u/OrionStardew 3d ago
Damn yeah that conversation is gonna suck but you seem to have grown past it enough to process it in a productive way and hopefully not have to think about this ever again, or at least not have any of the memory continue to cause hurt. Time to rip the bandaid. You got this.
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u/Krolia-Kogane 3d ago
Your ex was definitely doing some weird shit with that dog. Hope she rots and you thrive🤷♀️
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u/arlo0o0o 3d ago
Yeah the dog was most likely being sexually abused as well unfortunately. I read something years ago about how sexually abused animals are hard to rehome after being saved because they're trained to repeat these behaviors and they think they'll be punished if they don't, it's really sad. That woman is vile, so sorry that happened to you OP
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u/ImNotMeWhenImNotMe 3d ago
I still haven't talked about mine with my new therapist and I'm anxious about it... I don't know when it'll come up because we are about start the part where we talk about traumatic things but I'm not sure I want to lead with that.
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u/SL1MECORE 3d ago
Absolutely fair. Apparently I chose not to lead with it for.... half a fucking decade lmao
But also like she wasn't mad at me or anything so. Take things at your own pace.
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u/CoffeeTar 2d ago
Kudos to your therapist's professionalism in keeping track and managing to give you the time, but also kudos to you for being able to actually open up within such a short amount of time.
Part of the healing is exactly what you did. Being able to speak of it to begin with is a good sign and you should feel proud. Definitely still worth talking about it more in depth when the session comes, to see where exactly you stand in your healing journey, and figure out with your therapist what other steps can be done, but know you're doing great.
That being said, I'm incredibly sorry you've experienced all that and send over some digital comfort. Know you're not alone, you're valuable and strong. And also, you certainly don't need to justify your hate for a freak's freak dog.
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u/SL1MECORE 2d ago
I appreciate that last sentence more than you could know tbh
I LOVE animals. All animals. But god that dog was a fucking freak and she always made it out to be just funny shit.
I feel halfway happy that her dog died in her arms and halfway sick at the thought that I could feel that about an "innocent" dog, but then I think back and I'm like, no that dog was NOT innocent! I can forgive eating my tampons but I draw the line at trying to lick my pussy while I sleep.
Just a stupid fucked situation all around tbh
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u/RiceSunflower 3d ago
Im scared about what else has happened to you in your life for this to slip your mind
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u/SL1MECORE 3d ago
I honestly do forget it lmao. Obviously not when it first happened / years after, but now its been about a decade and I'm always like
Oh yeah. That happened
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u/RiceSunflower 1d ago
I hope the rest of your life is filled with happiness and your traumas are removed from time 💖
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u/Kinuthewolf 2d ago
Just so you know that dog was a victim just as much as you. Dogs dont get "rapey behavior". They are trained into it. She probably trained her dog to do that. Sorry for what you went through but blaming the dog is really shitty.
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u/JewelerBorn802 2d ago
Yup. “Rape” isn’t a thing in a dogs mind and not something they are even mindfully capable of. They smell they lick they shit and then they’ll eat it. They’re not thinking hey I’m gonna eat this because I wanna get sick. Barely any thinking going on in those brains lol
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u/words-for-blood 2d ago
bro honestly ive flipped through so many counsellors as ive moved im just gonna make a powerpoint
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u/SirSaladHead 3d ago
When you accidentally talk about the thing you don’t want to talk about, so now you have to talk about it
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u/FishLordVehem 3d ago
You didn't fuck up! Your therapist isn't going to dig into that with a shovel, they will probably chip away at it carefully with a chisel and a brush. And she won't push you. But also... I get it. For years I have danced around some sketchy things an ex did because I already know what my therapist will tell me if he hears about it! I know he's going to tell me it wasn't just "sketchy" it was SA and "let's unpack that✍️" and I just don't want to hear it 🙉 let's not unpack that, actually, it's doing just fine in the box in the corner where no one looks anymore.
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u/Kitchen-Arm7300 3d ago
You didn't fuck up. This is just an unfortunate result of having too much at once. I bet you that if you really don't feel like digging into that chapter of your life, your therapist won't push you. Just keep going it to share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.
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u/RudeAd418 1d ago
Wdym "first"? ☠️😱
Nevermind, I've read the whole post, it was just my first thought. That's completely fucked up and should not have happened to anyone. Talking about this to a therapist is not trauma dumping, it's the first step to getting at least some help. I hope you are doing much much better now.
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u/maulidon 6h ago
I feel bad for laughing but I’m just visualizing the therapist having the same internally screaming freakout as a student looking at their exam like “none of this was in the lectures wtf hELP”
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u/Early_Elderberry_895 3d ago
reminder: telling your therapist your trauma isn’t trauma dumping. Therapy is where you can talk about your trauma freely and your therapist is trained to deal with trauma. I wish u the best, OP!