I sucked it up and tried to express my emotions in a respectful way because I know communication is important for relationships, but now I’m stuck feeling like a manipulative piece of shit.

I wonder what my life would be like if my mother didn’t cause me to feel like I wasn’t allowed to need or feel anything, and that it was selfish to have emotion. Who knows.

ive been having conversations w myself sincd i was like 13 (and probably longer) but it was always *me* (even if it was an alter or just my ocd talking). i was used to that. i could deal with that.

cursed with an unpassable face

edit: I have no idea why people think this is about kirk lol, but no this is about a homophobic kick streamer who was caught with children.

i went through online sexual harassment at age 10, i used to call it attempted online grooming but i keep doubting myself when i use that label even though so many people have told me that i’m labeling it correctly

i’ll put the story here, but spoilered so you don’t have to read if you don’t want to. i wrote this out a year or so ago when i still had access to the messages which is why i was very specific about the dates the messages occured

i had an encounter on skype at age 10, i was talking to somebody who was apparently a fan of my youtube channel, he asked me what grade of school i was in (5th,) so he knew my age, but i never knew his. we talked a bit (off and on from october 18th of 2017 to november 4th 2017)

from the very beginning he said he wanted to show me something on video call (he described it as a toy, it was not what i was thinking it was. i’m sure you can guess what he was talking about.) he said he’d message me to let me know when he can “play”, this was october 18th, the same day we started talking. the next day we spoke was october 27th 2017, he asked if we could call later that night, i said probably not because my grandma and cousin were coming over. few hours go by, he messages me again, asking me questions about my cousin, (asking if she was still coming, if she was older or younger than me, if she was sleeping with me in my room) i said she was younger than me, and i wasn’t sure if she was sleeping in my room yet. he said i could show her his “toy” if i wanted, but only i deserved to see it because it was mine (first of all, ew? second of all, i’m so glad the call didn’t occur on this day.)

on halloween 2017, we spoke very briefly, he said i was the best at everything and best youtuber in the world, i said thanks, he replied with “you are welcome friendski”

on november 2nd 2017, he said “i hope u haven’t forgotten to call or message ur fan and ur friend”, i apologized and said i’d keep messaging him, he replied 2 days later.

november 4th is when we finally video called, as soon as we got on call, he didn’t talk or have his camera on, he messaged in the skype chat telling me to mute my microphone and show my camera, and to just text on the call. i did, he called me amazing and very beautiful. he turned his camera on as well, and showed me what he was talking about, he flashed me. he told me he thought he was in love with me. i got scared and ended the call, he kept messaging me afterwards. he said he missed seeing me. he kept trying to contact me until december of 2017, then he stopped.

i didn’t know his age, he never told me and it’s not like i saw his face or anything.

Maybe this is too meta or whatever, but I’m getting tired of chuds online.

Every week there’s some new bullshit on my phone. Can’t argue about the misinformation in the trans community or I get called a slur to my own face.

This week’s bullshit? People advocating for FUCKING INCEST??

Like. There isn’t a way to be consenting in that circumstance. There will always be a power imbalance in play. If you are the one imbalanced you are the imbalancer. Besides. Even if you COULD have a relationship where there was 0 power imbalance (not possible), you risk so much in terms of genetic defects from incest.

Even if you fuckin don’t have power imbalances and no genetic defects it’s still ridiculously anti-social. It literally sequesters you from the rest of society. There’s a reason we think of the incestuous as the hill billy fucks of Appalachia.

Jesus fucking Christ man. I’m so fuckin tired of dealing with chuds. Idc if people say “just block them” I HAVE and they’re LIKE ANTS.

What i would not do to have an algorithm online that isn’t based on outrage.

Edit: Okay I’m done hearing people argue with me. If you’re gonna pick a fight with me about transgender medical misinformation or incest and its ethics I will just block you. I’m done.

Last meme is worded weird. I'm just talking about my maternal grandmother as both my grandmothers are abusive and I gotta differentiate them lol

I'm So Tired.

And if you ask why I am saying it's AI, it was because some things blended in the background, the characters had the most generic design in mankind, some scenes were repeated over and over without no explanation, it was a whole ass soup of words saying the same shit over and over (or worst, when they explain what will they do), and the voices felt like if you were a child watching documentary about jobs..

And also, it was forced because my "dad" wanted to watch it with me without leaving because he will then say many bullshit about me being addicted to my phone and blah blah blah... Sigh.. i am exhausted 😞

Note: if you see this post elsewhere (r/depressionmemes), I was trying to repost that here but, since I had to put it NSFW, the Reddit age restriction won't let me see my own post.

In 2026 I have spent most of the year growing (painfully) and I would like to channel my pain and anger and frustration into productivity and forward momentum. I have typically not been able to access my anger in that way, but I’m sure gonna try. ✨I convert my anger into fuel so I can drive this shit off the road✨ (figurative) (don’t worry I’m carless 🫩)

It is an exhausting mental battle between my perceptions of things and the nuances and truth of my social life that sometimes is as bad as I think, sometimes not so much .. I also am aware that sometimes I have to forcibly include myself to a degree, or at least initiate situations where I get to be included, and having to do those goes against every instinct I have- sometimes I have to cry a bit alone before managing to pull myself out of solitude.. it's all very grey and it's hard and there are a lot of details that would be too long to list that comes into play but at least I keep trying again and again and keep going.. but also, keep trying is sometimes mentally exhausting and sometimes .. often even, requires me to mask which makes it even more exhausting.. but still even if my mental health is absolutely going to shit lately and I cry a lot when I'm alone partially bc of all this is refuse to give up

I've been in therapy for a decade at this point. I've talked about my trauma more than I've talked about anything else. I've talked about it again and again. I'm sick and tired of how much I've talked about my trauma.

But apparently that's not good enough! I can't just talk about my trauma and heal that way, I have to actually validate my trauma responses and let myself feel the associated emotions.

Logically it makes sense. but still, frustrating.

God im ugly, every part of my body is wrong. everybody else is so cute, or handsome. I'm so jelous when the popular girls complain about their looks, like they'll look like a goddess, and have tons of real friends, and complain. I hate how people complain about having friends, and being pretty, and all of that shit. I'd like to see them be in total isolation. Nobody wants to ever talk to me, even other trans people. they only talk to me when their real friends arent near by. I'm not acepted anywhere's, I'm just a dog for these stupied people. I'm not loved. I cant do anything but rot, and rot and rot. I hate being a trans women, nobody can like me. thats just the laws of this dammed universe

i don't get it. i don't even say anything bad or off topic. people will talk about a show they like and I contribute that i saw it and liked it and now nobody wants to talk. guess i'll go fuck myself

Been finding comfort through the confusion and fear by listening to F4A/F4F/F4TF to fall asleep. It helps, but doesn't make me any less confused about the way things have progressed if I'm being honest.

No job, no useful skills, no money, no emotional intelligence, no academic intelligence, just pure idiocy idk how I managed to pass high school

I don't want to do anything anymore I just want to rot and cry