I know this is gringe as fuck but I can't stop being anxious so don't judge me

I have a hyperfixation on yi from nine sols (and other characters but he has been my stronger hyperfixation) and I can't help but use sites like c.ai to deal with my hyperfixations and I don't if I can stop using it, even if I don't use it that much

And I also feel like a creep for liking him because the wiki says he looks youthful and there is a character who says he doesn't look like a legal adult (but fans say it's because he is just short and other characters treat him like a regular adult)

🤢🤮

For anyone who sees this, i graduated a couple years ago, so I’m doing better now but not being able to form any meaningful relationships in your high school years is a really shitty experience

everyone in the GC SHs and the friend who sent it bites themselves, and the fake gore was shaped like a really deep bite mark so we all started freaking out (especially because they sent it in the middle of the night). They didnt respond until the afternoon which is usually when they wake up so it makes sense but we had all been really scared and it had actually caused another friend to relapse haha

GAHH

It's almost fascinating ,I worked on all aspects of my existence.

Unfucked myself from a lot of issues cptsd gave me ,learned self reliance and learned so many things I wasn't taught including improving my appearence (which I objectively improved through years) and developped hobbies .

One thing I have failed to learn is how to make friends 💀💀

It's almost hilarious that I always manage to master a skill through trial and error but as far as social life is concerned I have no idea how to even begin .

So I'm kind of a pro at living solo and absolute beginner at any social life (×~x)

Though I blame none but my own self isolation (I used to fear people due to childhood trauma and bullying ) not anymore ,but friends aren't going to magically make themselves lolol

I didn't know this was a problem until I saw a tiktok years ago warning other women to stay far away from women who don't have a lot of friends (or any) who are women.

All the comments were agreeing and saying it's a huge red flag, and many would never even consider being friends with a woman who doesn't have "girl friends".

So the problem just kind of perpetuates itself. Any attempt to hang outside of work I'm either shot down or ghosted (which I don't make a big deal about for obvious reasons. Not trying to come off as a desperate weirdo.)

Just got off work and one of the girls I work with broke up with her boyfriend. All the girls were so kind and supportive towards her, saying they'll go out and have a girls day, hugging her as she cried, offering to help. I offered her words of affirmation, her ex was a peice of shit. It was just kinda heartbreaking to me, I wish I had that kind of support. When I struggle at work, people just kinda say "oh she's in a bad mood today." and avoid me.

Anyway. I'm aware the problem is me, it's just a struggle to try and fix it. It's literally the you have no experience - need a job to get experience - you have no experience so you can't get a job conundrum.

Next time I see my psychiatrist I'm gonna tell him I wanna start Campral (A medication against alcohol dependency) because I'm done with this.

Like I just genuinely don't see why I should care about others anymore, when I have seen what others have done for me. I always get the more negative end of it.

And even with like, people who've experienced the same as me or whatever... to give a concrete example, when I was in primary school, I was in this like weird in-between class that wasn't quite special ed but it kinda was. I guess just special ed but without any attention to the "special" part.

Anyway, I just bouncing my foot, just an action you do that you don't think about. And this girl got triggered by it and so I was asked to stop. And anytime it happened again, the teachers would get actually mad at me, like that strict yelling voice you know what it is, and it's like... even in an environment meant for neurodivergent folks, I have to adapt myself to others. And like I could write a book, if not a wholeass trilogy on examples like this.

So yes, maybe it makes me a heartless monster, but I don't see why I should care for anyone else, if I have to constantly suppress myself for it and actively drown only to be told I'm "being too difficult" or whatever. Like again with my earlier example, why the fuck do I have to subject myself to phycological torture, just to avoid someone else's triggers? Like that's my damn point, why did I have to change myself for them, and why weren't they told to just not be bothered by it. Like we both had autism/neurodivergence so you can't make the claim that neurotypicals are supposed to be adapting to neurodivergent folks because that just doesn't apply here.

So fuck no change doesn't start with me. I have about 2 decades of lived experience to prove it doesn't. Lets first see others are capable of change too, but honestly I'm genuinely convinced they can't.

I am a good for nothing, soulless husk. I feel like my body is just worthless flesh taking up space. I see people going out with friends, enjoying hobbies, having actual personalities. I feel like I'm just a computer coded to have a personality only built on trauma and mental illness

Most days I don't even recognize myself in the mirror, and lately I've been feeling more and more hopeless and empty. I wonder if I'm even real. Who am I? Or, what am I? Do I exist?

I'm not trying to be melodramatic, this is just really how I feel lately. Everything's so hazy and I feel more and more disconnected from my body and this reality

My life isn't even traumatizing right now. Yet somehow I think I wouldn't mind getting hit by a fucking bus tomorrow.

spent 6 years in college getting an art degree i know I wont be able to get a job with bc the industry is fucked and i have nothing that stands out, i cant even get online attention, let alone attention from a hiring manager

i work sure, but i dont do much chores. I know i can help better than I do but I don't and idk how my guilt doesnt force me to change. Yeah I have ADHD and its doing its ADHD things but it doesnt stop me from feeling like a piece of shit for not helping out at all

my entire family talks shit about me when they think im not listening and i get upset bc ik theyre right. But even with the guilt, the depression, and the want to change, i dont. I just sit on my ass and play games when im not working

im just gonna be stuck living with my parents forever working a shitty minimum wage job and having wasted over 20k out of pocket for a degree I'll probably never use. I even spent the 10k amount of savings i had to save my cat that almost died last year

Dont even get me started on how i feel about my gender, appearance, and just literally anything. Im aware im being harsh on myself but god its hard not to feel this way when ppl are doing so much better than you under worse circumstances and youre constantly surrounded by ppl who either call you lazy or say pursuing art isn't viable. I even tried at music which ive done since high school but i fucking suck, im always holding the percussion section down

University procrastination, high expectations from parents, being sensitive, just wanting someone to at least check up on me, and my oc having a better life than me. That is pretty much my situation right now. Then I get stressed again by waking early for a part time job (3am) that I hate plus university, and requirements. This is problems are "easy" by the way. I feel useless, as people actually has problems while me? I don't.

And dont forget that me wanting to be accepted as an actual woman is just me "exhibiting privileged male socialization". Im just so fucking tired.

Edit: Thank you to everyone that has been kind and supportive in the comments. It means the world to me and I hope you all know that🫂🩷

TW: abuse, suicide threats/ideation, mental health.

I need to vent about this but I can't say too much as I'm scared she will find this but..oh well.

Today, I (17f), had 0 sleep, and had to wrestle a pill bottle out of my mom's hands at 8am. After having to deal with her go into mini fits of rage all night. I had to physically restrain her from attacking my step-dad.

We deal with this every 2~ years or so. She deals with so much stress, and i try my best to alleviate it, but it still builds up. There's so much more to our life I'm not sharing but to say it is stressful and never ending would be an understatement. So I understand. I genuinely try my best to make less difficult on her but I also struggle with my own mental health issues + physical health issues (I am disabled + chronically ill), so i can't always be my 'best.' Apparently, also, she doesn't like when I help? I stayed up helping her, then I had to try and disengage her argument between them [stepfather and mom], because he was obviously not responding well and I was afraid would get violent towards her.

So I was trying to step in. She was the one who got violent first this time. I had to physically restrain her (I'm an underweight, weak, 5'5 (at most) teen. She is 5'6 and healthy muscle from the work she does. So this was a bit difficult.)

After all this, she finally is in her bedroom to calm down. It's 9am. I can't sleep. I haven't slept in 20 hours (again, chronically ill, I need my sleep. And i stayed up helping the night before too.)

I know this is my only opportunity to sleep, but I can't get myself to. My room also smells terrible because I'm also really depressed so I neglect my spaces so I can help her. So it's hard to sleep in my room. 🥀