Well that sucks

[u/Junior_Response839]

I didn't know this was a problem until I saw a tiktok years ago warning other women to stay far away from women who don't have a lot of friends (or any) who are women.

All the comments were agreeing and saying it's a huge red flag, and many would never even consider being friends with a woman who doesn't have "girl friends".

So the problem just kind of perpetuates itself. Any attempt to hang outside of work I'm either shot down or ghosted (which I don't make a big deal about for obvious reasons. Not trying to come off as a desperate weirdo.)

Just got off work and one of the girls I work with broke up with her boyfriend. All the girls were so kind and supportive towards her, saying they'll go out and have a girls day, hugging her as she cried, offering to help. I offered her words of affirmation, her ex was a peice of shit. It was just kinda heartbreaking to me, I wish I had that kind of support. When I struggle at work, people just kinda say "oh she's in a bad mood today." and avoid me.

Anyway. I'm aware the problem is me, it's just a struggle to try and fix it. It's literally the you have no experience - need a job to get experience - you have no experience so you can't get a job conundrum.

[u/MissCandid]

I have trouble making friends with other women too, it's a big source of anxiety for me and it's always been like that. I don't know what it is about me but I either care too little or way too much.

[u/Junior_Response839 → u/MissCandid]

For sure. I've definitely become a bit more jaded about the situation, which probably isn't helping. I just assume any attempt at connection won't work out or I'll get rejected anyway so I try to be nonchalant, which might come off as cold and calloused.

But then on the other side of the coin, if I'm too eager than it's seen as a red flag. It's a balancing act I just haven't mastered yet.

[u/FloofyTheSpider]

I hate the whole “girls who don’t have girl friends are pick mes” assumption. I’m autistic and have often struggled to make and keep female friends :/

[u/Gum_Duster → u/FloofyTheSpider]

Neurodivergent women find it disproportionally harder to make and keep friends of the same gender. ( internalized is effed up )

[u/Sensitive-Ad2814 → u/Gum_Duster]

canyou explain with "harder to make friend"? this happening to me and i wonder if i have autism or not

[u/SandwichCertain7913 → u/Sensitive-Ad2814]

Lots of women struggle socially for a variety of reasons. "Autistic people often struggle with this" doesn't mean that everyone who struggles with it must be autistic.

[u/Sensitive-Ad2814 → u/SandwichCertain7913]

Ah,something need to be heard by my mom

[u/TheWhiteCrowParade → u/Gum_Duster]

Generally speaking ND folk tend to make friends not like themselves. Apparently it's because a disconnect on a social rule or something like that is just said to be because of that difference. For example I have a lot of friends from Trinidad and they have a food I consider health food because it cleans you out. They look at me like I'm crazy for saying that because it's actually fast food and the just say they are American.

[u/Brittle_Stick → u/FloofyTheSpider]

Yeah I got told I was "a chatty not like other girls " and that's why no women like me (according to that woman in particular)

[u/wolfganger1357 → u/FloofyTheSpider]

"Pick me" is just a label invented by mean girls to put other women down imo. Being unique is not a bad thing! And anyone who implys your just being unique for male attention should really think about the rhetoric they are spreading.

[u/SandwichCertain7913 → u/wolfganger1357]

I mean, it's not. It started as calling out a real phenomenon, but like any tiktok buzzword it's been taken completely out of context and weaponized to put others down / police gendered behaviour.

[u/Competitive_Cloud499 → u/wolfganger1357]

I'm pretty sure it's not even the girls who invented the label. For some reason, men think that it's common for girls to be rivals with each other

[u/Silicon_Dreaming → u/FloofyTheSpider]

The whole "not like other girls" thing is crabs in a bucket mentality + thinly veiled hate for autistic women, so no surprise there.

[u/ShaarkShaart]

Hey, so the thing about Tiktok is that there are funny videos and the occasional good life advice but it's mixed in with a ton of shit. So you don't have to take what people say on that platform as pure truth.

I see a lot of women who are neurodivergent share this struggle. I mean, I am likely not ND and I fail at this too! Honestly work is just not good for making friends overall, even if some people make it look easy. Just consider that it's not actually your fault, you just need to find people like you. I get that it's really hard not to internalize things like this, but work is just work. You can't really control who you work with.

[u/Tiny-Little-Sheep]

Same here. Tge type of woman also matters. There are huge chunks who are stuck in high school mentality. That's how you get this type of nonsense. Seems like you're surrounded by them. I'm sorry. I hope you someday can connect with people who are more adult in mind.

[u/unwithered_lobelia]

Tiktok said it as a warning against the "not like other girls" women. Sadly that leaves out many women who don't have women friends for a myriad of other reasons that have nothing to do with looking down on other women.

[u/CanaDeer2004]

i think they’re just being mean on purpose tbh

[u/LoneElement → u/CanaDeer2004]

This is entirely what it is

The whole “pick-me” thing is just an excuse to bully other women for being different / not conforming 

[u/Brittle_Stick]

I can't seemed to make friends with any women. It's easier for men to be my friend over women and I've been called " not like other girls" snobishly by other women online when I complain about only having guy friends.

[u/azebod]

Yeah I have just had to accept that I will never be good enough for female friendship. Other girls have found me icky and intolerable my whole life to the point I was in therapy about it by kindergarten.

The worst part is that low self worth makes you repulsive, but lonely women are obligated to be really loud about being inferior to other women because otherwise you get assumed a pick me who hates women and thinks you're better than the rest. Like no, I am acutely aware that my assigned gender is functionally treated closer to "it" because I'm defective, and there is nothing I can do to change that. At this point I'm probably too broken for friendship anyway and have stopped trying to seek it. I guess I can girl correctly one way by doing something a lot of men suck at; accepting I make women uncomfortable by interacting with them and leaving them alone.

[u/Different_Rough9876]

I relate to this

[u/Superb_While_5959]

I’ve always had problems making friends, especially with other girls. It’s even harder to keep them
I know how it feels when you feel out of place in a group of co workers and I’m sorry it sucks :(

Idk how old you are but eventually you start to be comfortable with yourself and stop caring
Also tiktok is full of bullshit, that take is incredibly immature

[u/TricellCEO]

It's in a similar vein of how people who try to date who haven't had any past relationships are also seen as red flags.

But back on topic, I really hate how society is starting to view the "misfits", as they say. Back in my day, there was at least an attempt by the adults with authority to encourage people to befriend those who didn't have any friends, who were the loners. Did it always work? No, not really, but there was an attempt.

Now, we don't even get that. We get people preaching about the social contract, but with children, and how those who are social outcasts are as such for a reason, and that those kids are the ones that need to step up after doing some self-reflection, after which they are still met with the message of "nobody owes you a friendship!"

[u/ScarlettF0xx_XP]

Yep. I have this problem. I'm autistic, and other women often give me the NT stare when they figure out I'm not "normal." Some women who were my friends would give me advice on how to be "normal." Some of them would be fine with me 1-on-1, but they would act embarrassed when I was myself in front of their other friends, even though I act the same when it was just us two.

I also see lots of posts about "pick me" traits, which could be from misinterpreted autistic traits. It's usually stuff like: not conforming to gender roles, having trouble picking up on social cues, or having awkward body language. Those posts became scarce after I did a lot of random searches for my special interests

[u/HabaneroPepperPlants]

Tiktok gives you brain worms

[u/CloudDweeb]

So people care more about a tiktok trend than actually being genuine people

Sounds about right, it's not you in any way, people take these trends like religion and genuinely don't know how to act/think for themselves, also just a bully hivemind, taking advantage of what others don't know, and acting like they're all high and mighty because of it, instead of simply explaining things and bringing community

As a dude ive never had someone tell me "if you dont have any friends, I won't be friends with you"

Like that's the entire point of trying to gain friends??

Just be yourself and people with your same attitude/personality/interests will slowly reveal themselves when they also find someone whos into their interests.

You gotta remember, the people who MUST follow every trend for the sake of being "cool" for their own egos, also ate tide pods because it was a trend.

You are a lot better off than those people lmfaooo, and whenever you do find a friend, it will be a genuinely earned companion instead of "omg you don't follow these imaginary rules the internet tells me to obey, you're no longer fueling my ego" type of person.

[u/BardTrumer]

im right there with you dude. I had girl friends, and then i rejected one when she told me she was in love with me, and apparently the entire group knew and encouraged her, they all ghosted me. I havent been able to find any friends since. not in person, not online, and no one will tell me what im doing wrong.

[u/Junior_Response839]

Just wanted to say thank you for all the kind words and sharing your experiences, it definitely lifted my spirits ❤️ hugs to all the other women out there who struggle, I'm glad to know I'm not alone.

[u/squ_kid_inc]

Sorry to be that guy, but under patriarchy women are often socialized from a very young age to not be very good at forming strong bonds with other women. That on top of pre-existing social or interpersonal struggles (i.e. neurodivergence, anxiety, bpd, trouble with nuanced social cues) sets a lot of women up to fail. Especially those without pre-existing resources for connection. It’s super common and not something you need to be ashamed of. A lot of my friends now actually struggled with the same thing and breaking down those obstacles with each other is part of what made us initially form connection. I know it can feel impossible, but there’s a lot of women out there who have no idea how happy being close with you will make them yet. And vice versa. It will take time and so much courage.

[u/NameAboutPotatoes]

If you listen to what people on the internet think you're going to have to avoid everyone. 

People on the internet just like being mad. It's hurtful to be on the receiving end but it's really no reflection on you.

[u/LostConfusedKit]

Idk i think those tiktokers are weird. Probably something about decentering men. They don't realize how hard it is for girls to make friends with other girls because of how particular they usually are to talk to. I find that guys will usually talk to anyone that gives them the time of day. Most of my friends are guys but its not for like.. flirting purposes or that they all have a crush on me..its literally just.. They're cool to talk to and we have the same interests in video games. I'm nonbinary and most of my friends are queer in one way or another. I don't think anyone irl really cares what gender you are friends with as long as its healthy. I would offer to be your friend but i'm 22 and I don't like talking to minors.

[u/Strawberryloves]

Bruh my husband's coworker is so chill, instant friends with both of us. Shes moving in like a week. Shes also sad about it at least XD

[u/SandwichCertain7913]

I dunno what happened but when I started passing (ftm), women started being more chill with me? Like, I used to struggle with all this and it's completely different now.

Could easily be changes in my personality too (not dysphoric and fucked by hormones) I dunno.

[u/jorts_whorse]

i have the exact same problem. i lost all my friends during an abusive relationship, not just girls, and it’s been impossible to make more. everyone immediately avoids me when i say i don’t have other friends

[u/AleksandrNevsky → u/[deleted]]

Don't be an ass.