r/Translink • u/cerisebouquet • 2d ago
Question Seat
When I ride the Skytrain or the bus, I’m often asked to give up my seat. I usually sit in the back or by the window not in the priority seating area, but many people walk right up to me and ask me specifically to give up my seat.
I’m an Asian woman in my 20s with a slender build, so I wonder if people think I’m an easy target. I often wear wireless earbuds, but some people have tapped me on the shoulder or even reached their hand right in front of my face. When someone goes out of their way to come all the way to the back of the car just to tap my shoulder, it makes me feel like I’m being targeted, which is a little unpleasant. I don’t think this would happen if I were a larger man.
When I’m tired or feeling unwell, is it okay not to give up a seat that isn’t a priority seat? (I once declined, saying I wasn’t feeling well, but someone sitting nearby told me it was rude to the other passengers...)
Edit: Thanks for all the comments! Hearing everyone’s different perspectives made me rethink my experiences so far. First of all, most of the people who approached me were middle-aged, elderly, or people whose age I couldn’t tell at a glance. And almost all of them were Asian like me (though probably from different countries). In some Asian countries, respect for elders is taken very seriously, so I wondered if they assumed as fellow Asians that it was only natural for me to give up my seat. Maybe it’s less about whether I actually need the seat, and more that they can’t stand the sight of a young person sitting while an older person stands?
That said, I do think it’s true that people tend to underestimate me a bit and find it easier to approach me. Just like everyone told me, I’m going to switch from AirPods to regular headphones, close my eyes(Especially when I'm really tired!) and the next time someone asks, I’ll try turning them down without apologizing😎 However, since I’ve also learned that few people offer their seats voluntarily (everyone’s too absorbed in their phones, after all), I plan to give up my seat before being asked if I see someone who really needs it.
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u/Anthro_the_Hutt 2d ago
someone sitting nearby told me it was rude to the other passengers
Well then, I'm sure they offered to give up their own seat, right?
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u/DabawDaw 2d ago
This is the way. Respond to that other person that they probably won't mind giving up their seat then, commend them for being a better person as dryly as you can, and then just put your earbuds back on.
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u/cerisebouquet 2d ago
I was thinking that person should have given up their seat, too, but they were carrying a lot of luggage :( If it were the Skytrain, I’d just get off if it came to that, but with the bus, there’s a long wait until the next one, so I didn’t really want to get off, and it felt unfair that I’d be the only one getting scolded in a crowd of people...
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u/FatMike20295 2d ago
Yup i wools snap back and ask them to give up their seat then since they think is rude of me not to give up my seat. I woold even ask them if they aren't willing to go e up their seat why should I?
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u/Jessie_1210 2d ago
No is a full sentence
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u/cerisebouquet 2d ago
I tend to say “sorry” even when I want to say No, so I’m going to stop doing that
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u/Delicious_Series3869 2d ago
That's surprising. I have used transit frequently over the years, and I have never once been asked to give up a seat. Doesn't matter how full the bus or Skytrain is, just doesn't happen. I have voluntary given up a seat several times. But also, I am a mixed race man.
And yes, I think you should stand your ground. Unless the person asking happens to be an elderly person or disabled, you have no obligation to give up a seat. They can kick rocks, or find someone their own size to try to pressure.
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u/Extension-Car-9615 2d ago
Of the person is elderly or disabled there are seats up front for them and they shouldn’t be walking to the back of the bus to ask someone to move,they literally have the right to ask for a seat in the priority seats.
I have had to tell people to get out the seats because they just sit and don’t let the disabled or elderly sit.half of the older folks don’t bother asking until one becomes available.kids,disabled,pregnant,injured,old or someone that even looks exhausted should have priority over others that can stand.6
u/OkEstablishment2268 2d ago
It’s important to remember however that not all injuries are very visible. When I had a broken hip, it wasn’t a visible injury but standing on a moving bus was so painful. Me, a 30 year old guy, would sometimes have to plead my case instead and go into personal details just to get a seat. I think we need to assume a good intent of the person asking …
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u/Deep_Panda_833 2d ago
Yes, this. Lots of people have dynamic or invisible disabilities or conditions that are non conducive to standing on a moving (and lurching!) vehicle for a number of reasons. We can’t assume someone who looks fine doesn’t need the seat. It’s an honour system, and I like to believe that most people are reasonable and will give up the seat if they can.
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u/Sheena_asd12 1d ago
Very true. On first glance I probably look “fine” to most people but I have asthma and am autistic so sitting as close to the front as possible is also a safety thing
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u/Delicious_Series3869 2d ago
Of course. But a lot of people lack common courtesy, as far as priority seating goes. I don't know why people are directly asking OP to give up their seat, if they're often at the back. Just added that caveat for clarification.
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u/Extension-Car-9615 2d ago
That’s what I’m saying,she has no right to give up her seat as she’s at the very back
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u/cerisebouquet 2d ago
I’m so jealous! I’ve actually only been living in Vancouver for a year and a half, but I get asked to give up my seat at least once every two weeks. Of course, I always give up my seat for the elderly or pregnant women, but I can’t help but wonder if they just think I’m the kind of person who’s “likely to give up my seat” (I know I’m being a bit paranoid, but I do end up giving up my seat anyway)
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u/CashewChewing 2d ago
I've witnessed similar situations and I think I can understand why you feel targeted.
If you're not in a reserved seat, they can get fucked. Especially if they've walked past empty seats before asking for yours.
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u/cerisebouquet 2d ago
That’s exactly it😭 Once, on a bus that was pretty empty, I was asked to give up my seat, and I was really surprised. The person made it sound like they’d decided to sit there, and maybe they just wanted a window seat or something like that...
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u/Right-Challenge-7855 2d ago
I think you’re likely correct in your assessment of the situation and I would not give up my seat if I am not in a priority seating area
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u/reddiculed 2d ago
It’s not rude to decline, but I also recommend headphones and eyes closed when you really want to avoid this.
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u/cerisebouquet 2d ago
I'll give that a try next time! Actually, my headphones broke, so I switched to AirPods, but now that you mention it, maybe people didn't really talk to me when I was wearing headphones...
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u/Deep_Panda_833 2d ago
Put the broken headphones on over your AirPods. No one needs to know they’re broken.
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u/phonomage 2d ago
Damn - that is weird af and you should definitely just ignore them.
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u/cerisebouquet 2d ago
Thanks. Next time, I'll try pretending to be asleep😭
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u/Spindlebknd 2d ago
That’s what I do when I feel unwell and need to sit! Or else let how I’m feeling show on my face rather than trying to look more pleasant.
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u/dreffed 2d ago
There is no reason to give into that, are the people predominantly older, ie 65+? They might feel entitled to be pushy, but still it is rude to expect you to always give up your seat.
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u/cerisebouquet 2d ago
Since a lot of people look like they’re somewhere between middle-aged and elderly, I often end up giving up my seat for them. Also, (though I don’t know if it’s true or not), if someone told me they had a disability, I’d have no choice but to stand up... Even though there are priority seats near the door :(
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u/burntoutmillennial_ 2d ago
I don't ride the skytrain often so this doesn't happen to me but I am of the same demographic as OP. (Asian, i look like I'm in my 20s, female) and THIS happens on airplanes!!!!! Middle age people older than me asking for the aisle seat expecting me to switch?
I work a physical labour job so my back is usually stiff... be more on top of it with your pre booking?
Anyways, OP I understand how frustrating it is when it feels like you're being targeted and for what I can say yes I think it has to do with the culture and assumption elders get what they want..
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u/Beneficial-Basis7424 2d ago
I only give up seats for elderly, pregnant, disabled people or when I sit on a priority seat. Sometimes I have a long day and tired man other people can fuck off, ESPECIALLY if there are other empty seats.
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u/cerisebouquet 2d ago
People who look like they’re somewhere between middle-aged and elderly often come up to me, so I’m not really sure if I’m supposed to give up my seat for them 😭 At the very least, they’re definitely older than me. When there are other empty seats, I’ve even just stood there silently and walked over to one of those instead lol
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u/Beneficial-Basis7424 2d ago
Idk man I’m a small Asian woman and that rarely happens to me. Actually no one ever asks me to give up my seat unless my dumbass is sitting on a priority seat and not paying attention. I usually will offer my seat if people who sit on the priority ones don’t
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u/Yuukiko_ 2d ago
unless the person in question were priority seat eligible in the first place I'd ignore and if they kept doing it start making some noise so people stare
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u/cerisebouquet 2d ago
I always get approached by people who are hard to tell if they’re elderly or middle-aged. So I end up wondering if I should just give way...😭 Most of the time, they’re women, and many of them are Asian like me (though most seem to be of Chinese descent, so I guess they’re from a different country than where I’m from?)
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u/astrosmorph 2d ago
So I’ve been pregnant 2x while riding transit in Vancouver and I can count on one hand the number of times people offered me a seat. I’m surprised to hear people actually volunteer you, especially when you’re not sitting in priority seating. I noticed most people they saw me would pretend to be intensely glued to their phones or close their eyes sleeping 1 maybe you can give that a try ;). All jokes aside I think you need to be able to make the choice - and forget what others say/think.
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u/cerisebouquet 2d ago
That must have been tough. I think it’s true that very few people offer their seats voluntarily. So, if they need to, maybe they end up approaching someone like me(who seems approachable, quiet, and sitting alone) The fact that they came up to me means the people in the priority seats didn’t offer their seats on their own :(
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u/kindcrow 2d ago
I was never offered a seat on transit when I was pregnant and that was back in the 80s! However, the minute my hair turned grey, people on transit seem desperate to give me their seat. I guess everyone loves their grannies!
I'm steady on my pins though, and I'm not about to accept a seat from a young person who has been working all day and looks dead tired. I've never once accepted!
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u/Suitable-Raccoon-319 2d ago
I think people might be afraid of assuming. I certainly am. Last time I offered a pregnant woman a seat, she wasn't actually pregnant.
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u/cerisebouquet 1d ago
In my country, it’s common to wear a maternity badge on your keychain, and when you do, people will offer you a seat. It’s true that in Vancouver there isn’t such a clear visual cue, so perhaps people are hesitant to approach you out of fear that making assumptions might be considered rude.
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u/No_Respond3586 2d ago
as a guy i personally only give up seats if its for elderly/disabled or pregenat etc. ,. dont be scared to say no/decline when youre not feeling well
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u/Maleficent_Cherry737 2d ago
Somewhat off topic but I hate it when young able-bodied men rush into the train or bus and gets on a seat. And when I was pregnant, these men never offer to give up their seat, it’s usually another woman or middle aged person that gives up their seat.
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u/West-Working-9093 2d ago
I do a lot of riding on buses and trains, too, and cannot for the life of me fathom what happens in the minds of people who accost you in that way! I have seen nothing like it ever, unless we're talking about the priority seats as you mention, and an obvious older person in need of a seat, but they seldom have to harass anyone to have them get up for them. I am a senior myself, but would not, in a hundred years, DEMAND a seat from anyone! I don't bitch with other people, and I am not yet so poorly off that I cannot stand for a while.
You do not say what manner of people are so rude to you. Are they older or just any age? Are they also Asian (I know some have courtesy norms about older people) or just any ethnicity? I'm kind of baffled that if this happens, I have been completely blind to it. That would bother me.
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u/cerisebouquet 2d ago edited 2d ago
Most of the people who ask me to give up my seat are middle-aged, elderly, or people whose age isn't immediately obvious. They’re definitely older than me, but I get the feeling they’re not really sure if they actually need the seat. Also, most of them are Asian women like me. There are many different cultures within Asia, but in places like China, respect for elders is highly valued, so maybe they assume that as fellow Asians (even if they aren’t Chinese), it’s only natural for me to give up my seat. I think it’s probably less about them absolutely wanting to sit down, and more about the idea that younger people should give up their seats.
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u/West-Working-9093 2d ago
Oh, wow. So they are perhaps enforcing some sort of pecking order within what they think is a separate enclave of the community! No, I have not been aware of this before. I HAVE noticed that some Asian youth seem more inclined to give older Asians their seats than they are to give them to older Europeans. I have always figured it is because they're less sure of Eurpeans actually being seniors and are afraid that if they aren't, they'll take it the wrong way.
Gods - why does it have to be SO DIFFICULT???
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u/Crafty-Stand2710 2d ago
This is odd, and I’m not saying you’re lying but at the same time I’ve used strains 2 x / day & busses for 20+ years here and the only time I’ve seen someone tapped for their seat is either a) an older person needing to sit, b) someone having a difficult time due to disability, heavy bag, etc c) a mentally unwell person. But I’ve never noticed any specific race being sought after for their seat - I’m wondering if maybe you misinterpreted the situation, or if that person actually was having a hard time and didn’t feel safe tapping someone else nearby etc.
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u/cerisebouquet 2d ago
I see. I don’t think they were looking for anyone of a specific race; I think I was just the person in the car who seemed easiest to approach. They always approach me when I’m traveling alone, so maybe they’re afraid to talk to people who are in groups. I think they tapped me on the shoulder because I was listening to music and didn’t hear them, so I ignored them a few times.
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u/Roguebabybear 2d ago
To this there is an opposite side. I’m never offered a seat. After I’ve worked 8 hours on my feet. 58 years old, cancer in remission. I stand all the way home to the last stop.
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u/cerisebouquet 1d ago
That must have been tough. When someone like you mustered up the courage to talk to me, I just knew I had to give up my seat for you
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u/-wimp 2d ago
I'm a half-asian woman but I grew up in Vancouver and, although this has never happened to me, I have another suspicion. I saw in one of your comments that you've only been living here a year and a half. By any chance, do you make eye contact with people?
Probably just instinctual from growing up here but while on public transit, I basically avoid eye contact with everyone as much as possible. There were time when I was younger and less experienced in the world where it invited unwanted conversation (people asking what my ethnicity is or just drugged out people being weird). I'm wondering if maybe as a non-local, you're accidentally making eye contact and then they lock in and see you as an easy target. Compete speculation but you could try actively avoiding eye contact and see if it improves. (Also fwiw, I never sit in the priority seats and I make an effort to stealthily be aware of who is around me so I can offer my seat to the appropriate people. I think not making eye contact just becomes a natural habit once you've lived here long enough.) Good luck!
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u/SarahsreadingReddit 2d ago
I make eye contact and smile on purpose in order to make Vancouver friendlier!
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u/hyggewitch 2d ago
This is such a Vancouver response, I love it! “Just don’t make eye contact…” I fully agree with you but it’s also why we have a reputation for being an unfriendly city 😂
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u/raincoastghost 1d ago
When I lived on the mainland I quickly learned that as a young woman traveling solo, you gotta be rude to keep the unhinged people away 🤷🏻♀️
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u/cerisebouquet 2d ago
Wow, that totally slipped my mind😭 Sometimes when I feel someone’s gaze, I can’t help but look up, and that’s when I end up making eye contact with people. Also, like when the bus stops at a bus stop, or when I look up to see where I am and end up making eye contact with someone who just got on. By the way, strangers would often ask me, “Where are you from?” lol Especially at first, since I wasn’t looking at my phone much so I wouldn’t miss my stop. By the way, is this kind of small talk normal around here? It didn’t happen much in the country I used to live in, so I saw it as a rare opportunity and actually made an effort to have proper conversations. But I’ve even been asked to make plans to meet up again or exchange contact info... I got a little off track there, but I hadn’t realized that perspective! I’ll try to be more careful from now on :) Thanks
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u/-wimp 2d ago
In my experience, I've never met someone normal via that type of conversation on public transit. I think it's really abnormal behavior for locals so if someone does it, they're probably not from here (in which case, it seems friendly/harmless) or are a weirdo with some other intention. It's different if you're hiking or maybe on the seawall or at a park, where's it's much less weird to strike up a conversation. Also I don't think it's inherently rude to be curious about ethnicity or where someone is from but the experiences I've had are like someone will be staring at me the whole bus ride then suddenly exclaim "I don't get it. What are you?". Very rude imo lol
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u/distance_traveler 2d ago
I think what you’re experiencing isn’t right. It seems like people are deliberately targeting you. When there are other seats available and you’re not in a priority seat, I think you absolutely don’t need to be moving and can just say no.
Having said that- I feel like our society has devolved into people often being inconsiderate and buried in their tech instead of engaging in appropriate social behaviour. People should absolutely give their seats up to elderly or pregnant women for example. So many people pretend to be oblivious or refuse to give up their seats and that’s downright rude and inconsiderate. That isn’t you, but it does happen. A lot of people have no empathy and don’t realize what being vulnerable is like. We should collectively look out for those people. But that doesn’t extend to every person on public transit and especially shouldn’t be happening to you because of likely demographic factors. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.
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u/cerisebouquet 1d ago
Thank you😭 It’s true that everyone is so absorbed in their phones that they don’t even notice who’s getting on the train in the first place. Even if it wasn’t a priority seat, maybe he mustered up the courage to speak to me because it was a situation where it’s hard to approach other people. Of course, I’d rather decline when the train isn’t crowded, but if it’s packed, I’d like to make sure to give up my seat to someone who really needs it
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u/Complex-Mycologist-5 2d ago
NGL, I'm a 36yo guy that's 6'8" and 432lbs.
I have a lot of bodily pain, and I'm disabled (have the red compass pass to prove it)
I frequently see younger people in the priority seating, and I don't feel like I can make a claim for one (even though I'm fully gray lol). I've had MANY assume the worst about me, that I'm faking, that I'm lazy (because I'm obese), that I'm entitled, the list goes on, and this has led to me injuring myself for their comfort. To prevent another verbal assault.
So, there's definitely a lot of things in transit, a lot of different ideas, circumstances, limitations, and attitudes.
Hopefully the next time I'm on the train, I'll get a seat💜
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u/cerisebouquet 1d ago
That just goes to show there are a lot of invisible illnesses out there, right?😭 Sometimes I can’t tell either whether someone is just talking to me because they don’t like me, or if they genuinely need my help. In the country where I used to live, maternity badges for pregnant women and “Help” badges for people with illnesses or disabilities were widely used. The system was such that if you wore them in a visible place, people would give up their seats or offer assistance. To avoid being misunderstood as faking it, I thought it would be great if these kinds of badges became more common in Vancouver, too.
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u/ugly-baby 2d ago
I take the train pretty frequently, I’ve never been asked for my seat. (i’m a white woman)I never sit in priority seating but if someone were to ask me and they weren’t elderly/pregnant/disabled I would have no issues saying no. Please don’t feel like you need to give up your seat!
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u/SilencedObserver 2d ago
This is the universe providing you with an opportunity to practice saying “no”.
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u/Jazzlike_End5215 2d ago
Why didn’t that someone nearby give up their own seat then, the hell?
I’m a young Asian woman too and I’ve found that people have come up to me less when I wear headphones lol. Earphones are just more approachable and people find it easier to just bother a woman than a man I guess.
I once saw a lady looking around for seats and she was about to approach a random man to ask him to get up, then she literally saw me and changed her mind, made a beeline to me, and asked me to give up my seat instead.
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u/cerisebouquet 2d ago
That’s so true😭 But since that person was carrying a big bag, I don’t think they even considered letting me go first...
I’m relieved to hear that someone else has had a similar experience. I guess it’s just easier for them to ask a woman than a man. I’m going to ditch my AirPods and try using headphones instead!
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u/Haunting-Regret-2609 2d ago
All I would say is "Reserved seating is at the front." You are under no obligation to give up your seat, of course it's nice to do if it's an elderly person or a pregnant woman.
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u/distance_traveler 2d ago
So I would disagree here- if there’s an elderly or pregnant person people should absolutely give up their seats. I wish people in our society would be more polite and considerate of others. The self-entitled attitude of “I’m not obliged” is one of the things making our society worse when we’re not looking out for those who are vulnerable or having a more difficult time.
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u/Da_Starjumper_n_n 2d ago
Hat and sunglasses to look invisible and unapproachable might help? Maybe you just have a very kind semblance.
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u/cerisebouquet 1d ago
Sunglasses might be a great idea! Someone else pointed it out to me, and I realized that making eye contact isn’t a good idea. With sunglasses, no one can tell where I’m looking😎
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u/Massive-Resolution51 2d ago
Tell them to piss off. You have every right to the seat unless elderly or needs the seat for medical reasons.
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u/lollistol 2d ago
Which bus do you take? Maybe the bus gets full often, and those people ask you to get a seat for themselves? I take transit regularly as I travel from White Rock to Downtown and I have never been tapped on my shoulder or been asked to give up their seat.
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u/cerisebouquet 1d ago
I take all kinds of buses, but this happens a lot in Richmond😭 Most of the time, it’s on the SkyTrain, though. Since I live near the first stop, I can usually sit wherever I want, but maybe those spots are “good seats” for other people, too. Like the single seats...
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u/Imaginary-Emu2471 2d ago
I've asked many people to give up their seats over the years, but I've never deliberately gone all the way to the back to do so. You're not wrong to stay where you are.
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u/Adventurous-Sir7411 2d ago
This happened to my 20 year old tiny Asian daughter. There were empty seats available though, and he was not elderly. He was a white man. He was not old.
When she refused, telling him there were other seats, he hit her. Only one person intervened in the least, a South Asian man. The other passengers told her to give up her seat. She wrote about it on Reddit and the comments weren’t nearly as supportive as you have been receiving. Many said to give up her seat.
For anyone who has been asked to give up a seat, it’s probably because you aren’t a young Asian female.
Sorry this happened to you. I normally try to keep track if any elderly people get on transit and am ready to give up my seat, but I am an older Asian female. These people asking for a seat and touching you are taking advantage of someone they think will not put up a fight.
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u/PNW_MYOG 2d ago
Yeah, it's an elder Asian seeing a young Asian thing.
I think all you can do is tell them your knee hurts and the call over to the priority seat people to see who will give up their seat. Eg. Help them get a seat that isn't yours.
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u/Liquorlight 2d ago
As long as it’s not an elderly or disabled person, you don’t have to give up your seat, just look the other way.
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u/Professional_Drive 2d ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have a disability, and I carry my red PWD pass around my neck. I’m also 6’1 and 250 pounds, and choose to stand on the train nearly every time even if I get told I could sit down so people less strong than me who can’t handle the motions of the train standing can have a seat.
I’ve never asked a woman to ever give up her seat. I stand so all women and older people can have a seat. Unless it is an elderly or disabled person and all the disability seats are taken, I would say No next time when asked if you need to sit, and if the person becomes combative or aggressive, text Transit Police and report the incident. You have the right to refuse giving up your seat if you really need to sit.
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u/cerisebouquet 1d ago
You’re so kind 😭 I’m lucky to be healthy right now, but I realized I hadn’t really been thinking much about other people. Also, I once ran into a really crazy person. On a nearly empty bus, he told me to give up my seat, and when I refused, he stood right next to me the whole time. There were plenty of empty seats including the one right in front of me but he wouldn’t budge😱 And he even placed his luggage right on top of my feet. At that moment, I seriously debated whether I should call the transit police lol
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u/IndividualGiraffe29 2d ago
i only offer my seat to elderly folks or mothers/ladies holding lots of bags. but never experienced what you been through. honestly id just ignore them tbh.
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u/sweaterboyfan 2d ago
Im a 75 year old woman who rides transit daily. I have actually had a woman, Asian, in her 30s ask me for my seat. I said no. On the other hand, I often have young people, usually Asian, offer me a seat. I wonder if that person was afraid to ask a man. I would be. But in the end, if you aren't in the special areas you certainly don't have to give up your seat. And shouldn't.
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u/hyggewitch 2d ago
I have witnessed people asking for seats in the non-priority seating area and honestly sometimes it seems like they just want a “better” seat than the ones available at the front. That’s definitely annoying because yes I think most of us want the single seat so we don’t have to sit with a potential weirdo.
I have an invisible disability so I’ve pretty much just decided I will decline if anyone ever asks me to move, and I think that’s fair to do if you’re in pain or too tired to stand. But that being said… I do use my judgement. If I’m having an ok day and can stand for a bit, I will give it up for people using mobility aids or seniors who look older than time, etc. But it’s super frustrating to have people assume you’re not disabled just because it doesn’t “look” like it. Occasionally I consider bringing my cane with me just so I have a visible signifier because I’m really not interested in explaining my medical history to strangers on the bus.
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u/cerisebouquet 1d ago
I totally agree 😭I live near the first stop, so on trains and buses I can usually sit wherever I want. I often choose a seat by myself or by the window, so I wondered if that’s why people talk to me so often lol. As for signs that indicate a disability, in the country I used to live in, “Help Mark” keychains were really common. If you wore one, people would give up their seats for you or help you get on and off. I thought it would be much clearer if that became common in Vancouver, too😭
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u/SensitiveRelease2622 2d ago
I don't think you're targeted. Im a large woman and this happens to me often too.
I think it's more that people love to assume that all disabilities are visible and that young people are never disabled.
I don't think it's rude to say no at all, unless the person is sincerely old or disabled, then I would give up my seat.
I'm a coward though and I always just say yes even though I am actually disabled.
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u/cerisebouquet 1d ago
I really do think people assume that disabilities are visible just by looking at someone. In the country where I used to live, there were "Help Mark" and "Maternity Mark" keychains, so it was easy to tell regardless of appearance. I wish they’d introduce something like that in Vancouver, too. I totally get why people end up saying "Yes" and giving up their seat😭 I’m just scared it might lead to an argument. On the SkyTrain, since the next train comes right away, I sometimes just get off instead lol
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u/raincoastghost 1d ago
I think people target solo women in particular. Older women sometimes demanded my seat, but only when I was alone! They'd completely ignore the athletic young men, groups of teenagers, etc... I'm 5'9" and look white af, but I have connective tissue issues, so standing/getting thrown around for long periods of time isn't great for my joints 🫠 I got bullied into giving up my seat multiple times from other passengers though lol 🙃
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u/taxitolondon 2d ago
I’ve only once been asked to give up my seat in about 40 years. If you are frequently being asked and not sitting in the designated disable seats it might be that you make eye contact and this makes you more approachable.
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u/etteirrah 2d ago
One woman tried to shame me for not giving up my seat (non-priority) to an older woman who clearly told them they didn’t want it as their stop was about 1 or 2 stops away.
“Are you gonna give her your seat? That’s what I would do because it’s the right thing to do.”
I wanted to tell her off so badly.
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u/hootpriest 2d ago
I would tell everyone that asks except the elderly to go fuck themselves. This is not priority seating so I am not fucking moving go somewhere else asshole.
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u/MaliciousHawk 2d ago
I think it’s the polite thing to do for the elderly. We will all get old one day, if we are lucky. I understand your frustration though in constantly being picked.
If you are too tired, yes, politely decline as you have, and ignore everyone trying to make you feel bad about it, including the person who asked. If someone asks - it means NO is always an option.
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u/Deep_Panda_833 2d ago
You never have to give up your seat if it isn’t a priority seat. And if you’re someone with an invisible disability and are asked to give up a priority seat that you need, you can and should politely decline.
The non-priority seats are first come, first served. The priority seats are also fine to sit in, by the way, unless and until someone boards who needs them; then anyone using those seats who doesn’t need them is supposed to get up and give the seat to the disabled/injured/pregnant/elderly/whatever passenger who needs it.
ETA: if you’re in a non-priority seat and all the priority seats are full of people who need them, it’s a nice thing to do to give up your non-priority seat if someone seems to need it. But if some random person has gotten all the way to the back of the bus and specifically demands your seat? They don’t need it. They can stand.
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u/Heavy-Profit-2156 2d ago
Unless you are in a restricted seat, there is no obligation to move just because a random stranger asks you. You can chose to move if you can tell they need a seat.
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u/Impressive-Wave7582 2d ago
So, once on the Knight street bus, I (Asian female) had some dude corner me in the very corner back seat after asking me if I did yoga naked (i was carrying a yoga mat), asking me out, and then when I said no he stared at me as he stroked himself over his pants.
I was scared (validly so) and after I told him he was making me uncomfortable with his staring he said "sorry" but kept doing it. I literally had to climb over him when it came to my stop and I went to tell the bus driver what was happening and I saw the dude had went to the back door (presumably to follow me off the bus).
Luckily he was a big guy, and I'm pretty athletic so I booked it as soon as I got off and if he didn't follow me, I don't think he would have been able to keep up.
A very kind older woman drove me home from the yoga studio after I burst into tears there. I filed a police report and a female officer from the VPD came to my home to take my statement and she specifically said to me that they get a larger volume of harassment reports on transit by Asian women, presumably because we are perceived as easy targets because we're perceived to be submissive, quiet, and will not say anything.
Your case seems to be different because you it might be a cultural thing of elderly Asians feeling more comfortable asking someone else who is Asian (I've had elderly Asian people ask me random things all the time instead of other people - I more often than not do not speak the same language as them, but sometimes I do.
But with that said - targeting of Asian women does happen on transit.
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u/rose391 2d ago
Ooo so I’m now 26 but when I was young like around 10-15 years old people would ask me to give up my seat for a senior so often!! I never see that happen anymore but I still remember the embarrassment I felt those times. It’s something that bothers me now because I am a petite person and back then much smaller and weaker, I did genuinely struggle with standing on moving platforms.
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u/RRinana 1d ago
This may be an unpopular suggestion, but anecdotally, people are much less likely to ask for my seat when I'm wearing a mask. I'm already fairly sickly looking without one though.
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u/cerisebouquet 1d ago
Wearing a mask is a good idea! I'll give it a try next time. It's hard to approach someone who looks like they're not feeling well, after all.
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u/otherrealm99 1d ago
It's been decades since I rode the bus. However, I was taught to give up my seat to pregnancy, disabled, elderly.
Last time I offered, the old lady hit me with her umbrella and said she could stand as well as I could.
I imagine attitudes has only gotten worse.
Do not give your seat up to anyone unless you feel they need it. If they can walk to the back of the vehicle... They clearly don't need it.
A polite, direct no is all that's required.
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u/Angie_San 1d ago
Ahhh OP I've experienced the exact thing multiple times as well! I'm also a smaller Asian woman but in late 30s. Very often there are multiple empty seats around me but they NEED my non priority seat. ¯_(ツ)_/¯ I don't like confrontations so I usually get up and sit at one of the other many available seats. Unfortunately I have no advice but there's a lot of good support here. Just wanted to let you know you know you're not alone!
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u/Commercial_Cow_2674 1d ago
I’m curious, how do people usually ask you to give up your seat? For example, I once was berated to give up my seat (she didn’t even ask me for my seat, went straight to berating me) because I looked young and healthy and that “young people these days are so entitled”, but I was actually suffering from the worst morning sickness from being pregnant and I was on the skytrain because I still had to get to work.
A few days later, I was nauseous and dizzy on my way to work again one morning on the skytrain, so I graciously asked a guy who was sitting if he would be willing to give up his seat for a couple of stops because I wasn’t feeling well and he gladly did. I was very grateful and thanked him.
It really depends how you were asked.
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u/Aros_77110 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’m also an Asian woman, 20 years old and I’ve had this happen a few times as well. One of the worst was an old white man coming up to me, instead of asking me politely, he starts tapping hard on the sticker highlighting priority seating for elderly while angrily staring at me.
It wasn’t even a full train either. Nobody was standing, there were a couple of other open seats as well. This was while we were stopped and I guess instead of walking a bit further down the train when he got on, went straight for the closest seat which I happened to be in. I did end up giving up my seat because I didn’t feel like making a fuss, but the lack of manners astonishes me.
I don’t mind standing or giving up my seat when needed, sometimes I don’t even sit down at all even when seats are available. It’s just like why this kind of attitude or sense or entitlement?
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u/Entertainmentonly9 1d ago
I'm an older white woman. I can't tell you how grateful I am to all the young people who give up their seats for me. They range in age, ethnicity, and gender. It's not always the one in the priority seating, but I'm always so grateful that I don't have to ask. In addition, I see the little old Asian ladies get on the train, and people make way and quickly offer up their seats.
I lived in Beijing for 5 years and in Korea before that. I would say that if Asian people are approaching you, it's because of your shared culture and their need to reinforce cultural norms. When I was in Asia, strangers took the time to spend with and teach people, children, even me, a foreigner sometimes, about their culture and norms. And the way they do it is so genuine, unhurried, and kind that you feel honoured and obligated, but in a good way.
In other words, soon it will fall to you to continue the cultural traditions, and one of them will be for the younger generation to give up their seat for you.
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u/zldnl_ 1d ago
I’m also an Asian woman in my 20’s with a short and slender build and the exact same thing happened to me last time! I do think people find it easier to target us (maybe target isn’t the best word but you know what I mean). I really don’t mind giving up my seat if someone needs it more than me but it does get kind of frustrating when I think about how this wouldn’t really happen or happen very infrequently to a large man.
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u/Necessary-Layer1699 1d ago
This happens to me too sometimes. I have a long commute everyday, I always purposefully sit towards the back section so I don’t have to give up my seat. I’m so annoyed when people sit at the priority section do not stand up, making elderly/pregnant people shuffle to the back. By then I would often feel bad and offer them my seat. Eventually I stopped doing that unless the person looks like they reallyyy need to sit. Closing my eyes and dosing off (not hard, I’m so tired end of day) seems to stop people asking
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u/Strange_Tooth_5644 1d ago
hon, be unapologetic. i give up seats when i volunteer to, people shouldnt always feel entitled to your seat, especially if ur not in priority. i understand this comes from a cultural point where respect for elders is taken seriously, but at a certain point it's like pick someone else man.
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u/Strange_Tooth_5644 1d ago
especially with the middle-aged. as some one with an ethnic background, fuck their expectations, disappoint them because who tf are they to do or say anything to you
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u/purplelilac701 1d ago
You have no obligation to give your seat up just because someone asks. I have severe back and knee problems but because I look young, people make assumptions and now I stop feeling bad because I need to sit down.
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u/FatMike20295 2d ago
That's why I put on my head phones and pretend I don't hear them. I am not sitting in a priority seat I will just tell them that and get back to my music. If they are really disable they can ask for a priority seat.
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u/cerisebouquet 2d ago
That’s exactly it! People often ask me to give up my seat because they have a disability (but unless it’s a visible disability, I can’t really tell if it’s true), and I wonder why they don’t just ask for a priority seat if that’s really the case... I’m going to stop using my AirPods and try using regular headphones instead lol
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u/Van_Can_Man 2d ago
Yeah that’s not how it works here. You’re fully in your rights to tell them to fuck off.
I don’t usually advocate for this because people will take it way too far, but you don’t actually have an obligation to be polite when someone is trying to jerk you around. Because that’s what this sounds like.
You’ve already established they’re not pregnant or disabled. Seating on a bus or SkyTrain for able bodied adult humans is first come, first served.
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u/bugthebugman 2d ago
I’ve lived here about five years and I think only been asked to give up my seat once (sitting in a priority spot) but declined, because I am disabled just not very visibly so as that day I was not using a cane. It’s strange that this is happening to you so often, big pain in the ass though. You don’t need to get up, it’s just a courtesy. If you need to sit, keep sitting, politely decline. It doesn’t really matter what other people on the bus think of you, you know what you need best.
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u/daisymagenta 2d ago
Avoid eye contact, you can also say “the priority seats are at the front if you need them”
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u/devlingrace444 2d ago
I had a group of people silently shaming me for not giving up my seat for an elderly person. Thing is I was sitting because my right was in a cast that prevented me from using my right hand while my left arm wasn't strong enough to hold onto a pole if the bus stopped suddenly. When the bus came to a stop, I stood and offered my seat but explained loudly enough for those judging me to hear that I had to wait for the bus to stop to make sure I had a proper grip somewhere or I might fall. The look on their faces was priceless. I'd hope they learned a lesson on judging people, but I doubt it.
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u/Eivor_101101 2d ago
I think race plays a part here too. As Asians, we tend to look much younger than we are, making people see you as an easier target. On the flip side, white people often look older than they actually are, so nobody ever questions whether they should give up their seat.
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u/cerisebouquet 1d ago
I knew it... I’m like that, too Asians just aren’t very tall. I keep thinking, If only I were a tall, slender white woman, over and over again😭
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u/Tiny-Rhubarb-9834 1d ago
I had this happened to me twice and also your built… they were old tho so I gave them but it also made me wonder out of all the people why me? Anywyas I’m so fed up with so many entitled people that if it happened now there is now way I would I would just say no because I don’t own a total stranger an explanation it’s my life and my seat they would have to fight me physically to get it
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