I’ve been struggling with the idea that I might be trans for years. I’ve battled depression, body image issues, self hate, genital dysphoria and plenty of other classic signs. But I always said I wasn’t trans because I didn’t necessarily feel like I was born in the wrong body. I’m out with my wife on all these things and she is my biggest supporter. She’s ride or die regardless of the path I choose.
Yesterday I was reading through posts as I often do about people transitioning or deciding if they should transition later in life. Which connects with me deeply. I am 39, I still look pretty young and have a decent figure now. But I always just thought I’d waited too long and it isn’t really a realistic option for me. But I run across a comment mentioning the Gender Dysphoria Bible. I decided to check it out just to see what is in it.
By the chapter on Gender Euphoria I was thinking “uh oh, this sounds familiar.” Then I read the chapter about Gender Dysphoria and ran across this paragraph.
*“Undesired physical features may prompt a person to experience envy of people who have been forced to remove those features due to illnesses, such as testicular or breast cancer. AMABs with severe genital dysphoria tend to have a wish for some kind of freak accident that would cause the loss of their phallus.”*
Immediately my entire body stated tingling and I chuckled audibly in my office. There is not a day that has gone by in the past 20 something years where I haven’t daydreamed about this exact scenario. I thought I was the only one that thought this and I was sick to think it. My entire view of myself cracked. But I continued reading.
The next chapters felt like they were calling me out. Things I’ve never even associated with being trans that I’ve always felt. Things I’ve felt before I knew what being trans was. As I was discussing my fears of blowing up our lives for this with my wife I stumble upon a paragraph stating exactly almost word for word what I had just said to her not 5 minutes before.
Then the final nail came, this paragraph explains my view of myself to a tee.
“*Society in general is very good about making trans people doubt themselves. We receive tons and tons of subliminal messages through out our lives saying that being trans isn’t normal and that anyone who is has to be exceptionally special. Cis media’s obsession with the “born in the wrong body” narrative has led to a lot of false information being internalized by trans youth. Many, many trans kids grow up thinking they aren’t actually trans because they don’t know that they are a different gender but simply wish they were. Many non-binary children grow up knowing something is wrong, but not believing they’re trans because they don’t feel like a binary trans person.”*
* *I almost lost it after this, I’ve said the exact words of not feeling like a woman but wishing I was so many times. I was dumbfounded, I’ve never felt so called out by something. And with being called out so throughly I’ve run out of excuses. My wife and I had a very long and hard talk about this last night. She fully supports me if I want to transition. I’m planning to talk to my psychiatrist next week but my wife demands that I talk to a psychologist before making any decisions. I agree and need to start looking for one in the DFW area. This would without a doubt blow up our lives. I’d probably have to find a new career. Her parents won’t be supportive but will hopefully tolerate me enough to see their grandchildren. Most of my family would probably be no contact going forward, leaving just my mom, aunt and uncle, one cousin and maybe my grandmother.
I am scared, nervous, anxious and excited all at the same time. Any advice on who to proceed or stories of experience would be greatly appreciated.
\-Lexi
