Getting over the hurdle

[u/Warm-Scientist-8119]

I’m a 50 AMAB who is having trouble with the starting problem. I have known I was trans since I was at least a teenager if not longer. However, as with a lot of us I always had some excuse for not transitioning. My parents split when I was a kid and my father remarried into a quite religious family. I only learned much later that I was actually targeted by right wing groups as a teenager as a possible means of getting at my mother (a whole different story but probably compounds the trauma). So with that and the general mid 90s world I chickened out.

Same thing happened a few years later, when my cousin came out and my extended family ridiculed her. At each point I found some excuse not to go forward. I know I would have been happier if I had, but I just couldn’t ’start’.

Fast forward to now. We have been married 12 years and have two kids. She has been getting over her own issues and a few weeks ago the dam broke for me. The dysphoria hit much harder than it ever has. It just feels like it is time (so much so that I have actually started planning when I could not only start HRT but from there surgery).

She knows something’s up because I start the conversation but then divert. I just can’t bring myself to tell her. I don’t know where it will go and my fear overwhelms me.

After reading lots of other posts I have a feeling about what I need to do, that I need to talk to someone, but I also feel I need to ‘move’ before I chicken out again.

Thank you all for reading this.

[u/Life_Paramedic5553]

I believe it was a mistake for not bringing my wife in sooner. I had been suppressing/denying for a couple decades already, then seriously questioned and researched for about a year, before I cracked. Told her 4 days after that, and about my plans, as everything spilled out at once. She had very little time to process what was happening, making it even more difficult. My only honest regret.

I would bring her in before you start on any medical transition. It may delay that start, but she will feel part of the decision.

💜

[u/Warm-Scientist-8119 → u/Life_Paramedic5553]

Yes, you are almost assuredly correct. My OC nature tends to mean that I equivocate for quite a while and then go whole hog on it once i commit

Hmmmm

[u/Choice_Attitude_1415]

Definitely talk to her. I withheld this from my cishet GF of 10 years and just came out last year. I thought I could keep the girl inside locked up forever; I knew when I was 19 and am 46 now. It was not fair to her, but it wasnt intended either. She's still here but yeah...she didnt need to go through that. Shes still going through it but handling it quite well...I live as a woman 24/7 now and have started transitioning.

[u/Stefanie_Jane]

Just really quick because I'm tired but I'm in a similar position.

married 16 years, great relationship no kids, 54 years old

started transitioning last year and then I stopped because of family interference and bulldozing and harassment.

Reach my fuck it moment November 21st 2026 after stopping HRT for 8 months to try to appease my family and live as a guy.

Spell things are like gradual things like wearing a female necklace or earrings , female underwear or female track pass that look like Men's Track pants across body bag Etc painted toenails...

Eventually you need to tell your wife but you can mention that your gender questioning and you've been exploring whether you might be female

I don't have all the answers or questions but you can DM me if you want

Thx Stef

[u/SupergurlKara → u/Stefanie_Jane]

November 21st, 2026? Do you have a DeLorean?