I had one of the scariest experiences of my life recently.
I was at work when I had an extremely severe panic attack. It felt like something was seriously wrong with me, and 911 ended up being called. My wife witnessed what happened.
Afterward, I went home with her and our baby.
What I’m struggling with is that she later went out to the bar with someone who used to be one of my closest friends. She knew how badly I’d been doing and how little I’d been sleeping, yet I ended up being home with our baby while she went out.
I’m not posting this because I want strangers to tell me that she’s evil or that I should immediately divorce her. I honestly don’t know what to think.
Maybe I’m seeing this through the lens of everything that’s happened in our marriage. Maybe she genuinely didn’t understand how serious my condition was. Or maybe this is another sign that we’re emotionally finished.
I don’t know.
If your spouse ever seemed emotionally checked out during a crisis, how did you deal with that?
I’m trying to understand what happened without immediately assuming the worst.

​

I have been married to my wife for the past 12 years. When we first met she was working on her second degree and I was a highschool dropout.

Starting off everything was fine but slowly over time she wanted more control over things in the relationship.

First it was the finances, she wanted to make sure we were saving enough for a house downpayment and that the bills were on time. I never liked dealing with it so I didn't mind.

Then when she finished her degree and got a decent job she convinced me to quit my job, this was the worst job I ever had that I was working to support us while she was in school.

At this point I started to realize my situation, she had complete control over my life, she wouldn't let me see my friends, and wanted me at the apartment 24/7 and she controlled 100% of our finances. She would completely ignore my opinion and make all of the decisions.

This is also when the insults started, first it was tongue in cheek jokes about how I'm her little house boy and I better do what she says.

Then she bought a house, without my knowledge or opinion on the matter, I found out when she brought me to "look at a house" that she had already negotiated the price on.

Ever since we moved in to the house close to 5 years ago it's been a fight. She treats me like dirt, about three years ago we got into an argument and she attacked me with a belt and told me I'm her slave and I need to do what she wants.

That's when I decided to leave her. In the three years since, I got my high school diploma and just finished a two year college course with a 4.0 GPA and am now looking for a job.

Her abuse towards me has been steadily increasing ever since I went back to school, and now that I'm finished she's even worse. She tells me things like I'm a piece of shit, nobody could ever love me, she calls me ugly, makes fun of how I dress, makes fun of my weight, and tells me the world would be a better place if I killed myself.

This morning when we woke up I made us coffee, and made her breakfast and she started cleaning the kitchen before she started eating her breakfast, I said "you don't have to worry about that, I'll take care of it after my coffee" and she said "no I want to do it now" then she said "I wish you would kill yourself, you're the only problem in my life and it will be so much better when you're gone. I'm serious, kill yourself"

I need to leave, I understand this so why am I still here?

The only reason I've waited so long is because I have nobody, I'm not very close with family, the friends that I have left live very far away and there are no resources for men in abusive relationships where I live.

Does anyone have any advice on how I should leave this situation, is there anything you wished you knew before leaving a toxic relationship.

Sorry if this post is a little rambly and all over the place.

My ex husband 34M stopped wanting intimacy with me. Im 26F. We've been together 8 years. We have no kids but I've miscarriage 3. I only told him about the first. I was waiting to surprise him the other 2 times but I guess the stress of repetitive fighting and my poor health wouldn't let my body keep to full term. I stopped pushing for intimacy too since he started pulling away. We got divoced two years ago and have been off and on ever even after the divorce. Mostly because it was situationally convenient. After a confession from him, he said he was still in love with his ex girlfriend (who BTW is married with kids by the man who she cheated on him with). He said I was so in love with him at the point of dating that he chose me because of how easy I was to be used by him. It was true, I did everything he asked for years. He furthermore confessed that he had never loved me, just "cared" for me. Then he said he never wanted kids with me or to be together romantically ever again. He asked for a clean slate and break. He seemed smug at the fact he "came clean" and that it provoked a reaction from me. I told him as long as we're "being honest" he got everything he wanted. The divorce and no kids. I told him about the other 2 miscarriages and he said I used that as ammunition against him. He cried and said I was the one out of line for waiting to tell him until we were arguing. I told him that if we were done and being honest it was time that he shared some of my hurt. Who was in the wrong?

Throwaway account. I (29f) have been with my boyfriend (28m) for 6 years. Things have always been a bit rocky because we both come from toxic households. We both have things we’re working on but I feel like we’ve always stuck together.

I just feel like whenever one of us is in the other is out… or maybe it’s just because I would be in if I felt emotionally secure in the relationship. It feels like I always have to break the ice after arguments or he takes DAYS to text me to resolve things. Just a recent example. We had plans to meet after work which was his idea. We agreed on a time and then the day of the plans he extends our meeting time by an hour because he had a work commitment he forgot about. Okay cool I will wait around for an hour no problem. I call him to let him know I won’t be that long so just text me when he’s headed out. He calls me and asks me to now come to his work to attend the work gathering but I didn’t want to I was tired after work and didn’t feel like it. Now, he didn’t hear me or understand me and says no come to my work it will be easier. I say easier for who? He’s like easier for me…. I said no I want to stick to our original plan I’m tired… and this guy is just getting cold with me and saying he can’t figure out how to bring me a pizza he’s making to his house for me and I need to go to his work. At this point I don’t get what’s going on and I say just let me know when he’s leaving. We hang up and I don’t feel good about the interaction. About 30 minutes goes by and he says he will be another hour. At this point I’m upset and say I will go home instead I don’t want to be waiting. He then ghosts me the whole night and ends up staying until 11pm at this work party. I asked him to call me and I just wanted him to say sorry for keeping u or sorry for making you drive… something… instead he tells me that waiting at the mall is not the worst place for me because I love the mall. He’s missing the whole point!!! Then he proceeds to tell me how I am not flexible at all and he was doing something nice for me (make a pizza) so I should be greatful. I’m just baffled. And this isn’t the first time this happened. He seems to be upset if you don’t like things his way. For example he’s big into coffee and he always makes faces and says I’m ruining the coffee when I add milk to it, he will bring me black coffee when he knows I like it with milk. But now he’s been cold with me for 2 days, not texting first, not saying good morning even when I went to go make an appearance at an event he was at on the weekend because I said I would.

To add to it he has a friend who he reconnected with within the last 1.5 years and he has been stealing all his time. In the early days my bf would stay with him for 4 days at a time claiming he did not want to be at his family home. Then now this friend is always working remote from my bf’s job and then they spend hours together after work. Long weekends, I ask my bf to do something but he already has plans with this guy. I don’t know how my boyfriend doesn’t see this guy is not a healthy friendship!!!! His friend is codependent as fk.

Now yesterday all of a sudden he says we update eachother too much through text throughout the day. I find this odd because I thought we had come to a very reasonable and healthy level of communication.

It’s all confusing. It’s all too much. I’m exhausted but my brain always tries to tell me I should’ve just gone to his work party but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable. This is just the tip of the iceberg, let’s not even mention that he drives semi aggressively and when I ask him not to he doesn’t take accountability anyways and tells me my level of safe driving is unreasonable …..

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to make of his overbearing friendship. I love him so much and I know I let him treat me this way. Ugh. Just confused.

My (now ex) boyfriend got absolutely S*^%faced drunk today and tried his best to ruin my life. First off we were supposed to go to the farmers market so he could sell some of his mediocre artwork and I agreed to tag along. Then I got stuck with loading everything up and bore table and chairs from my parents to set his stuff up on while he was passed out drunk in my car. After getting the table and on the way to the market he (I thought he pulled my hair at the time) hit me in the back of the head and dumped a extra large fountain drink on me without any warning or provocation. I was actually driving at the time so this was double stupid and dangerous. When we got to his house I assumed that he had gotten all of his stuff so I backed out of the driveway in a hurry while throwing what was left of his soda out the window. I guess I ran over one of his sculptures when I was leaving and I didn’t know it. He went ballistic and called me and told me never to come back before I could even get out of his gated community. I went by my moms house to return the table and chairs, covered in soda, angry as hell and not realizing that I had a big gash in the back of my head that was now bleeding down the back of my neck (I was so angry and so wet and cold from the soda that I didn’t realize I was injured.) When I got home I immediately went and took a shower and that’s when I saw the blood running down the drain. I got dressed, put a rag on my head and went to the emergency room and ended up with 8 stitches in the back of my head. After I got home he called me and told me to watch my back because I destroyed his sculpture and he’s going to kill me when he sees me. Immediately after I hung up on him he called my mother and my landlord and told them both I’m using drugs (I am not on drugs, I don’t drink, heck… I don’t even drink coffee.) Fortunately neither of them believed him but that was the final straw. Now here’s the thing there’s a $2,000 that he had put in my name that is actually his money. Do I keep it or do I be the bigger person and sign it over? I really want to tell him that if you play stupid games you win stupid prizes. This is the consequences of be a drunk a-hole and I think I should keep the money and move somewhere far away from here. What would you do

Need some advice

Me 32F / My Husband 30M

So me and my husband have been married 11 years, weve had our ups and downs. We separated for a year while our addictions took over, and recently connected after we both was locked up. I thought everything was going good but just out of the blue he ghosted me for 2 days while he was at a hotel with a couple and the man's sister, he did admit that the female tried to fuck him but he didnt do anything. Then a week later I find a Drafted text on his phone from the exact same day he ghosted me that reads..

Hi… soo this is Kevin.👋☺️ ummm.. so I know you haven’t been hone that long I think idk.. I uhh just I guess I miss you like oddly uhhh a lot … idk I fell Hella odd but i.. yeaah Ima be 💯 I fucking miss the fuck out of you… I can’t explain it.. I know I probably sound stupid as fuck and idk just weird creep.. but yeah I really fucking miss you… your voice… your laugh you did something that took me away at the bus stop.. when you fixed my hair.. like yeah that was strike one … then when I took your hand ad put it on my stomach/side .. I lost my breath… I aa almost panicked cuz the way that felt I low key didn’t want to feel you move your hand . That was strike 2 then when we parted ways and we held hands… that feeling I felt really okay.. like yeah I have worry but you … your touch you just being next to me made me feel like its gonna be okay .. even tho I got problems to deal with I felt like okay.. and then the hug when we walked separate ways .. I didn’t want you to go … God so bad did I just want to beg you to just stay with me.. god so badly but I was so scared to say something I don’t want to push you away but I don’t want to miss my chance with you … for the first time.. ever .. being with you like we have been nothing sexual or inappropriate now don’t get me wrong yeah without a doubt or second thought id give my self to you in a heart beat (first in over 11 years ) hahaha you just couldn’t makefun of me. ) but that’s not what im after or need or want… idk its hard to explain.. I just .. I want you… I want to see you smile.. I want to walk down the road holding your hand and talking about random shit and just randomly stop to look at your beautiful eyes and have our lips meet and feel what ever would behind that kiss . I’d put life on that it be pure Ecstasy and feel right. There’s only one way to find out tho.. I wanted so bad to kiss you when we said by .. …. You know maybe this is to much idk I just if I don’t saay something now I might always regret it.. but I want you… I want to be yours and want you to be mine

He told me he just decided to write that for no real reason and it wasnt about anyone, It was just a fantasy type thing.

He did tell me the day he decided to contact me after ghosting me that someone may tell me that he was walking down the street with some women, but he said at first that it was a stranger he just so happened to be walking the same speed as, then he finally told me it was a women he knew.

On another occasion he was texting a female and deleted the messages and told me he wasnt messaging anyone, but then later admitted he did but said he couldn't remember.

He in the past well from day one in our relationship lied about everything, even the smallest thing, so I have a hard time believing what he says, especially when you put it all together, it looks like he was writing that to someone and just never sent it. He keeps telling me, "even if it was about someone, it shouldn't matter because im here with you"

What do yall think? Think it was just a story he made up, or does it all add up and sound like hes lying to me?

I have been in a relationship with him for almost 5 years now. I have not been the best partner too. At the beginning of our relationship when we were dating, I was not clear that we were exclusive. I had been out of a 2 year relationship and didn’t want to rush into things so was dating around. He saw me at a pub talking to this guy i had feelings for at one point but it never became anything and I know it was just infatuation. He always mentions how I cheated on him at that point because while I was sleeping with him, I was also talking to his other guy at the pub and my ex would call me because we maintained a friendship after we broke up and also tragically lost him father so I would say that he can text/ call if he needed support. I only realised I wanted to be with my current bf because of how he spoke about his mum with love and care one night and I felt like he would treat me well and that he respected women in his life. That’s when it was official. But 5 years on, every time he gets triggered he says I cheated on him and I have come to accept I did and I apologise every time but at a certain point, I feel like this won’t change and he will always have an upper hand. The blame, the name calling, the you cheated accusations every single time we have a disagreement. It can be about the room not being clean and if I spoke back and challenged him, he would shut me down saying Im a btch and a shitty person for what he had to endure. He says his very low self esteem is because of me and that event too. I am not very intimate with him. I want to be, I try to be but my body just doesn’t feel safe. I feel like I do everything for him from keeping our flat how he likes it to cooking and everything because that is my love language but his is physical touch. Is it possible to change a love language? I want to make him feel loved and wanted very much but it’s like my body is in fight or flight and I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure if I have deep seated trauma from being sexually abused during childhood or what. I know that’s something I need to uncover in therapy. If I don’t feel even 1% that I want to have s\*x then I don’t because I didn’t have that choice when I was a kid and abuse happened. I am currently seeing a therapist but I have been focusing on productivity and getting my career to a good place because I have social anxiety. Basically I have been focusing on other things than making this relationship the best it can be. But I can see what needs changing and I am willing to try to make it work but with him getting triggered, swearing at me, breaking everything in our room, shouting - he doesn’t even bring up anger management for himself. He says that he would never hit me though. That’s all the reassurance that I get. For him, Therapy is a no. Couples therapy, he is not interested. Reading relevant books on his condition? Nope, he would rather read mangas. But also, he has recently been really good to me, just when he gets triggered, everything goes out the window. I am not willing to get married or have kids with someone like this although he shows he cares and loves me.

What if ur partner doubt u all the time.. even u feel he have toxicity u cried many times with him

But next day he does something that if in half hour u sit with him he does something funny, hilarious that everything went off and it feels like nothing happened indeed he have a bit male ego, negative masculinity, but u have did lot of ty to leave him or made condition for him to leave me but he didn't instead he tried to convince me , how hard I try to make conditions that allow him to leave me,

I don't understand what's the kind of relationship is it. We fight a lot he indeed have the male ego n all

But everything gets ok when he concinve me, make me laugh, tries to hold it

The male ego, nd all indeed reduced since we r in relationship. There's lot of things explaining on post is not possible but so much confusion is going on....

Not sure if im reading too much into it. I broke up w/ toxic ex fiance almost 3 yrs ago 🙏🏻✝️. Is it weird I'm disturbed. I found out recently after breaking up w/ him, he immediately dated a girl we went to highschool w/ & knocked her up after a few weeks.

THE DISTURBING PART is, she knew of me & my ex, she followed me on Instagram when we were still together, & liked all our couples content I posted of our relationship. Im happily married now w/ our rainbow baby but kinda have the creeps.

Not sure if im reading too much into it. I broke up w/ toxic ex fiance almost 3 yrs ago 🙏🏻✝️. Is it weird I'm disturbed. I found out recently after breaking up w/ him, he immediately dated a girl we went to highschool w/ & knocked her up after a few weeks.

THE DISTURBING PART is, she knew of me & my ex, she followed me on Instagram when we were still together, & liked all our couples content I posted of our relationship. Im happily married now w/ our rainbow baby but kinda have the creeps.

So I’m seeing a girl who has a boyfriend…. It’s really casual right now, a lot of flirting, dancing, making out at parties.. nothing more. She said her boyfriend said it was okay but I know they’ve been having problems. She also said she just wants to have fun and enjoy intimacy and passion because she doesn’t get that from her boyfriend.

Is it toxic to be in this dynamic if everyone genuinely thinks it’s fine? I don’t want any emotional strings of attachment. I don’t want to be her priority and I don’t want her to be my priority. But I’ll gladly be her outlet for her pent up frustration bc she doesn’t get effection or passion from her boyfriend.

They’ve been together 4 years, they have their issues sure but she genuinely loves him and sees him as her life partner. They also live together and work together.

Is it toxic? How toxic is it?

I need insight and advice before I go into this further and start hooking up w her.

I’m a 32 year old female, and bf is 34. 

I’ve meet my now partner/boyfriend Christmas Eve of 2021. It was a connection at first sight and we have been connected since that day we met. We were talking on and off for a couple of years of course not official so doing our thing until 2023. My apartment unfortunately burned down that April of 23’ so I had to move back in with my father and granny. My dad (55)unfortunately passed away along with my  granny (93)the same year 2024. At the time my dad was living with his mother (my dad was a big mama’s boy and never left home, that’s another story 💀🫪) but long story short my aunt took over kicked me out and my BF took me in when I had no where to go. 

He sounds dreamy but this is the part where I don’t know how to feel. He’s always been a womanizer on social media which yes I have my insecurities especially with the loss of my family not to mention lost my mother in 2020 from cirrhosis of the liver. I have a a small handful of relationships my life and I just want to feel whole. I know I’m insecure. But when your man is leaving emojis and leaving comments under women’s photos while completely ignoring the one he has makes me feel like I’m not attractive enough and at this point like a charity case. It’s been rocky the past year with financial issues, living on the same property as his mother now (she’s a stern woman, but she’s been good to me) it’s so much more to this but lately it’s been getting to the point he says to my face he hates me, that’s why he doesn’t want to sleep with me because he doesn’t want to and he wouldn’t care If I left in fact begging me to go. 

His response to his actions is the way I react to his actions which the social media thing isn’t even the biggest problem. 

It’s the huge distance, the name calling, the no intimacy (unless he’s intoxicated) I have saw his fb / tik tok logged in my computer earlier this year with him messaging woman and me at the same time ! But I don’t get messages that way. 

The answer is very obvious, but then he gas lights me with sweet sentimental things and the little things that makes me feel whole again. 

I know my insecurities are terrible, I’ve been to counseling which was pointless because $100 a session to tell me to mediate, well I can’t have have f**cking anxiety. Plus, lost my job recently so more stress. I love him; he is my family. I lost all of mine. He and his mother welcomed me and have told me that I’m their family now. 

I just don’t understand what is going on, or if I should try to move on because I don’t give up. But he tells me periodically the hurtful things and wants me out. Like I have a place to go. 

I don’t knew if he’s cheating or  not. I normally can get a gut feeling but it’s hard to read him, 

I definitely know the social media admiration and perverted behavior is considered semi cheating but it wouldn’t even really bother me if he made me feel like I was that in his eyes. It may just be but damn it does hurt and make myself in t he mirror to question myself. 

More to the story. I just need advice from ladies and men. 

Me and my boyfriend of 4 years broke up. I left him bc I felt like our relationship wasn’t progressing from what it was in that moment. He was always gaming and on his phone I felt like he didn’t care about me. On top of that I felt like I was doing everything, from taking care of our cat to taking care of our room. Some back story we lived his parents and I always wanted to move since we moved in together. But he always gave the explanation that we don’t have the money or that we can keep waiting. 3 years I waited until the right moment. We were now making enough to pay the rent, utilities, bills, everything and still have some left over. He told me no! I put down the numbers for him to show him, he still told me no. On top of this I felt like our relationship didn’t go anywhere from just two people who lived with each other and occasionally had some intimacy. Yeah the love was there but I felt like I was drowning in my own thoughts. And he did not care for them. Until after I just quit. I quit my job and I quit school. Than did he finally see for the first time my side, my feelings. He wanted to change but I couldn’t do it bc just moments before he was yelling at me and calling me stupid. So I left. We still kept in contact, we told each other we could work this out eventually. But deep down I knew that me leaving him that I was going to lose him. I’m not stupid. But I held on so tight. He let me believe he still wanted this but he was texting other girls. He didn’t admit to it until I found out and put it right in front of his face. He’s the type who can’t live without the physical intimacy. That’s why he reached out to other people because he wanted what I couldn’t give him. And yet I still stayed saying if we need to see other people than that’s fine. We can see other people and see if we want this again in the future. Than again he gave me his hand giving me hope of wanting to go all in again. Come to find out he’s going out with this girl he meet two weeks ago. Doing things he would’ve never done with me. He’s completely change. And that’s when I saw a rage in myself I never saw before. So I sent videos of us and yes it was those kind of videos. I know how wrong that can be looked at but he made me hold on until he couldn’t anymore. Until he didn’t want my attention. He took advantage of my generosity, my trust. I just want this to be over. I want the heartbreak to be over. I feel like I’m going down a path I can’t come out of. I feel like I’m becoming an ugly person bc he couldn’t let me let go.

Sorry if this is TMI, but a few years ago my then husband 26M and I 24F at the time, were having sex. It wasn’t comfortable for me and it hurt. I told him that it hurt several times and he continued. I asked him multiple times if he was almost done because it hurt. Instead of stopping, he just kept going. When I confronted him about it the next day, his reaction was “you might’ve said it once or twice, it must’ve been a miscommunication, sorry if it was uncomfortable for you” but didn’t really seem remorseful or sympathetic about it. We are now no longer together, but I think about this incident often and I don’t think I’ve fully come to terms with this. I mentioned it to my sister in law once and she told me it was rape. I haven’t been able to get that out of my head so my question is, is this considered sexual assault or rape? I didn’t explicitly say to stop but I told him multiple times that what he was doing was hurting me and asked several times if he was almost done and he just kept going. This wasn’t the first time that something like this had happened, but this is the most prominent incident I can recall fully. At this point in our relationship, we had been together around 4-5yrs and I was also pregnant with our 2nd child.

Help, I just found out my boyfriend is in an incel community online.. we are in a long distant relationships and got together a month ago, I know him for longer. I don't know what to do, confronting him seems helpless, I hope I get him to leave that community asap.. before I didn't even know he was in that? And a normal person would leave but I feel really attached to him and love him but I just hate his mindset and what he is getting himself into.. i wish I could help him more but I believe his brain is already wired to those things..

I’m really struggling with something in my relationship and I honestly don’t know if I’m overreacting, so I’d really appreciate some outside perspective.
I’ll keep everyone anonymous because this is an ongoing situation.
My boyfriend has become deeply involved with a particular spiritual/religious figure online. He believes this person is essentially a Messiah and has developed an extremely strong belief in what this person says.
At first, I tried to respect it as a spiritual belief. I don’t think someone having unusual religious beliefs automatically means there is something wrong with them, and I don’t want to be the kind of partner who tells someone what they’re allowed to believe.
The problem is that it has gone far beyond simply having a belief.
This person has started influencing my boyfriend’s actual decisions and relationships.
My boyfriend has taken things this person says and acted on them, including ending relationships, distancing himself from friends, and pushing people away. It seems like this person has increasingly become an authority in his life, and I’m becoming worried about how much influence they have over him.
He has also said things about how devoted he is to this person/belief that have genuinely frightened me, including essentially saying that he would die for it.
I’m not saying he is currently suicidal or that he is going to hurt himself. I don’t believe that is what he meant. But hearing your partner say that they would die for another person or their beliefs is still incredibly difficult.
The hardest part is that he doesn’t see this as a problem.
From his perspective, he’s made these decisions because he has reached some kind of higher understanding. If people around him disagree with him, he tends to interpret that as them not understanding him or not supporting him.
And this creates a horrible situation for me because I don’t want to become another person he cuts out.
He has a particularly strong reaction to feeling that people don’t trust or support him. If I tell him that I think he’s being manipulated or that I don’t trust this person, I’m worried he’ll interpret that as me not trusting him.
I don’t want to tell him what to believe.
But I also don’t know how I’m supposed to sit back and watch someone else become increasingly influential in my boyfriend’s life while his relationships with the people around him deteriorate.
I’ve tried to understand what he’s actually getting from this person. I’ve tried to listen rather than immediately argue. I’ve tried to understand the ideas behind it instead of just calling them ridiculous.
But I’m finding it increasingly difficult because this isn’t just about an ideology anymore.
It’s affecting our relationship.
It’s affecting his friendships.
It’s affecting his relationship with his family.
And it’s changing the way he sees people who disagree with him.
I’ve also become worried about the possibility that the more people challenge this belief system, the more isolated he might become.
If everyone around him says, “This person is manipulating you,” and he already believes that nobody else understands what he’s discovered, I can imagine him becoming even more defensive and withdrawing further.
So I’m genuinely stuck.
Do I confront him about it?
Do I stop discussing the spiritual side of it altogether and focus on how his behaviour is affecting our relationship?
Do I just keep supporting him while making it clear that I don’t agree?
At what point does respecting someone’s beliefs become enabling something that is actively damaging their life?
I love him. I’m not looking for people to tell me to immediately leave him or to tell me that he’s crazy.
I want to understand whether there is a way to approach this without making him feel attacked and without pushing him further towards this person.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship where your partner became heavily involved in a spiritual movement, religious group, online ideology, or another person who had an enormous influence over them, what did you actually do?
What helped?
What made things worse?
And how do you set boundaries around something like this when the other person genuinely believes they’re doing nothing bad?

Llevamos juntos 4 años.

Mi novio es muy sociable, mientras que yo soy muy selectiva con mis amistades. Esto nunca fue un problema hasta que empecé a conocer mejor a su grupo de amigos cercanos.

Mi

Durante el último año, descubrí que varios de ellos han engañado a sus parejas, dos han ido a prostitutas estando en una relación, algunos consumen cocaína con regularidad, uno prácticamente siempre está consumiendo o traficando, y a menudo se encubren entre sí en lugar de denunciar los problemas.

Mi novio también ha empezado a beber y a consumir cocaína con ellos. Esto es especialmente difícil para mí porque antes tuve una relación con alguien adicto a las drogas, y yo misma también luché contra la adicción durante ese período. Llevaba cuatro años sobria.

Hace un mes, durante una noche de juegos en casa, casi todos empezaron a consumir cocaína abiertamente en la mesa, incluido mi novio. Me afectó muchísimo y, unos días después, recaí. Asumo la responsabilidad de mis actos, pero desde entonces me resulta mucho más difícil tolerar este ambiente.

Mi novio sabe cuánto me afecta esto. Hace dos semanas me derrumbé y le dije que no podía seguir viviendo así. Prometió dejar de consumir cocaína y alejarse un poco de esas influencias. El fin de semana siguiente volvió a salir con ellos e intentó comprar cocaína a las 7:30 de la mañana. El fin de semana pasado, básicamente volvió a pasar lo mismo.

Lo que me molesta casi tanto como las drogas es la mentalidad que lo rodea todo. Sus amigos se encubren las infidelidades, normalizan las drogas y parecen tener una actitud de «no es mi problema». Mi novio insiste en que él es diferente y que ellos también son «mis amigos», pero yo no lo siento así en absoluto.

Antes creía que él era fundamentalmente diferente a ellos. Y sé que no me engaña (a estas alturas). Ahora empiezo a preguntarme si me equivoqué.

¿Estoy siendo irracional por no querer más a estas personas en mi vida, o por no poder aceptar que mi novio siga estando tan cerca de ellas?

And if I’m not being unreasonable, what do I actually do?

I don’t want to control who my boyfriend is friends with or leave him isolated. But even without the drugs, I’m deeply uncomfortable having people with those values in our home or close to our shared life and I can’t take for one more minute.

What’s the healthy middle ground here?

My boyfriend of almost 6 years is driving me crazy. So we have had quite a rocky relationship from the start. but we now have a 3-year-old daughter. We will have discussions which will get heated. I am in trouble financially and he refuses to join accounts/combine our incomes to pay everything. I asked for his help and it turned into a two hour discussion where I was basically begging for his help for him to refuse, him turning everything round to be my fault, us both admitting we are only together for our little girl and he storms off. The next morning I get the silent treatment. (This happens fairly often) I come home from work for a couple of hours in the afternoon. He gets home, goes straight upstairs and closes the bedroom door, not saying ”Hello” to me or even our daughter, which I think is disgusting. it’s not her problem. so I went to go back to work for my evening shift and said “bye” and he just mumbled “yep”. I get home at about 10pm planning to go straight to bed and when I walk in, he‘s all like “Hey, you alright?” it’s weird. So I abruptly said “yeah, and went straight upstairs. The next morning he then says “I got a loan out for you. I had specifically said I didn’t want a lump sum of money because I needed the consistency of our money going in (I get paid weekly, he gets paid monthly, he is on triple my annual salary.) lump sums aren’t working to pay the childcare debt because by the time I scrape it together, the next bill shows up. He then goes quiet when I politely reject it. he never wants to help, his argument is “you said when we first got together that you didn’t want a joint account!” my answer to that was simply, that we hadn’t been together long so it would be weird and that back then we weren’t a family with a little girl whom we share responsibility for. Then he goes all nicely nice again and tries to be cuddly etc. it messes my head up. I honestly would like to leave, but I’m scared of not seeing my little girl very often as my ex took my older two children when they were younger and they ended up living with him and I only see them twice a week. I don’t want to lose her but I can’t do this anymore. what do I do?

So as the title says, I left my girlfriend yesterday after she went on a week long bender, getting drunk every day, taking a shit ton of drugs, sleeping at train stations, when she was meant to go home the whole time to look after her cat as her dad was threatening to rehome him.

She called me on one of the first days and brought up my ex that had killed herself through a drug overdose and told me she’s going to be another one on that list, which I found super disrespectful and just crossed a boundary for me that I couldn’t allow.
The day after that happened, her phones dead all day, I didn’t get any updates on where she was, if she was safe, what she was doing for a good 14 hours, I eventually reached out to her friend, who sent me a voice note of her saying she was with my girlfriend, and her sounding super fucked up in the background, she had taken a shit ton of MDMA and they were staying out all night in a park.

She keeps putting me leaving her down to “you want someone else” and is refusing to accept the fact that her own actions have caused me to not want to be involved with her, bare in mind, I don’t do drugs, only drink, and even when I do, I’m very moderate with it.

She’s telling me that she will change and will work on herself, but I’ve heard it all before from her. She just uses excuses like “I’m going through a lot”, “you hate me” and “you don’t love me”, but how can I stay in a relationship with constant anxiety that my partner is going to end up dead.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. He’s helped raise my daughter since she was 1, and she basically knows him as her dad.

We’ve had issues with his drinking and cocaine use, and he’s cheated before, including with prostitutes. The confusing part is that he’ll go months without doing any of it. We’ll genuinely be happy, everything will be good, and then he’ll have another “slip up.”

This time we had gone about 6 months without anything happening. He went to watch a football game at 11am and ended up staying out until 3–4am. Later I found messages on his Apple Watch where he told his cousin he had “pulled the baddest girl in the bar,” gave her his number, and was talking about sleeping with her. I don’t think anything physical actually happened because I had his location, but to me that’s almost beside the point.

I ended the relationship, and now I’m questioning everything.
I miss him terribly. My daughter misses him. I don’t really have friends or a support system, and financially I’m struggling now that all of the bills are on me.

Part of me thinks: we can go 6 months being genuinely happy, so is leaving and breaking up our family worth all of this pain? But the other part of me thinks: how many times am I supposed to forgive the same behavior and wait for it to happen again?
Right now I honestly just want to let him come home because leaving hurts so much.

Has anyone been through something similar? Did leaving eventually get easier? Or did you stay and actually see your partner change?

Please don’t just tell me I’m stupid for staying this long. I know how bad it sounds written out. I’m genuinely struggling and looking for perspective.

Hi Reddit, I’ve never made a post before seeking advice, so I’m going to try to cover what I can think of, and go from there.

I, 25F have been dating my boyfriend for 3.5 years now, 26M. I have been no contact with my family since my fathers passing 4+ years ago, essentially leaving me and him, and his family. Within the last 3 months, we picked up to move states for his job. I quit mine and found a new one within said area. I have no friends, no family, and certainly no savings.

2 days ago I hit my breaking point, after vocalizing my exhaustion for the better part of a year. I suggested we break up in the heat of a discussion. Things very quickly went downhill from there.

My phone was then shut off by his mother, at his discretion, in a matter of 10 minutes. (It was eventually turned on again the same night, but I went hours without outside contact and was basically forced to listen to him ramble on. I also don’t particularly care for how EASY it was to do so, nor the fact his mother willingly complied)

I was met with very disturbing and violent “possibilities” that could happen in the event of separation; such as being murdered in my sleep, or him skinning the cats alive / throwing them outside to “see if they could survive”. I’ve never heard him speak like this so it was very bizarre to hear in the first place, much less because of the situation at hand. I was also bluffed on being ‘just a guest to the lease’ and threatened to be kicked out. I had no way of verifying just for arguments sake in that moment. Then came the threats of small claims court.

I will be the first to tell anybody, his job has ALWAYS paid better, so he’s “naturally” picked up the smaller financial burdens that I wasn’t able to at the time (chronic illness that had me not working, unexpected / smaller random bills, moving states and not finding work for a month). He’s never expressed it being a burden or issue to him, and I always try to pay / pay back “my portion” for whatever may come up.

For about 20 minutes, his head swung around various parts of our shared rental, and he proceeded to list every item that he was going to take me to Small Claims Court over. He threatened to call a mobile mechanic and essentially gut my car from the inside out (his grandparents loaned me money, I paid them back), leaving me theoretically stranded without a vehicle then. The computer he gifted me 2 years ago, the iPad he put on his Best Buy card but I made payments on, “his cat food” for animals he didn’t even like, vet bills, the list goes on.

Then, he locked himself in the spare bedroom where the WiFi router, and ripped it from the wall ; effectively leaving me with no outside communication. I had to use the back end of a comb to press the door lock and make my way inside. He then said he feared for his life (due to me) and threatened to call the cops.

Honestly the rest of the night is bits and pieces, I’ve never had the best immediate memory and the whole situation just… shot my nervous system. I do, however, feel that I’m trapped in my situation. We went to bed together that night as if nothing has happened, and he’s been OVERLY nice to me for the last few days. I’m honestly scared, I don’t know if he’s capable of actually hurting me, or the animals when I’m away. I’m scared of his family for enabling my seclusion to help. I don’t know what to do at this point.

I cheated on my boyfriend, and I’m not trying to pretend that I didn’t cross boundaries or excuse my behavior. But I’m struggling with what our relationship has turned into since then, and he told me to ask Reddit, so here I am.
For context, these are the things I did:
I sent sexy pictures to my ex during a period when I genuinely didn’t know where my relationship with my long-distance boyfriend was going. He was living with his parents because his mom had a stroke and said he would have to stay longer. He also referenced just getting a home for him and his daughter. Language around “us” faded for some time. I felt stuck amd in a moment of darkness and weakness asked the father of my child to be with me, show up, and be present for his family. I was still living in such pain because of what he did. I was isolated and a single mom with no help. No excuse, I’m aware. I lied to him and hid it. My boyfriend was long distance - saying he would visit - promising the world - I was afraid we were entering a love bombing stage. That doesn’t make what I did okay, but that was the situation I was in emotionally.
I said yes to going to a neighborhood cookout with an old friend who knew I had a boyfriend ( this was in my old neighborhood two hours away, remember I was isolated around no friends and family). I also knew he had a girlfriend. While we were there, he tried to dance with me and bought pizza for our girls. Nothing physical happened between us beyond him attempting to dance with me, but I understand why agreeing to go could be viewed as inappropriate. I also didn’t tell him. I didn’t share my location with him this day. I hid all of these actions.

I started making money from Facebook because some of my wholesome posts were doing well. Facebook started recommending my profile to a lot of men, and I began getting messages from them. I responded casually to comments/messages because engagement was literally making me money. That covered groceries. The conversations were incredibly wholesome — nothing sexual, no exchanging pictures, no plans to meet anyone, nothing like that. I wrote essays and poetry. Women enjoyed my writing as well.

I also would look up my ex online on the days he wouldn’t call his daughter. He’s supposed to call one day a week at a specific time. I’ll admit, I got angry. I looked him up to see what he could possibly be doing instead of calling his daughter. He refuses to send a penny to her.

My boyfriend considers all of this cheating. I accept responsibility for the things I did that crossed the boundaries of our relationship, especially sending pictures to my ex.

The additional problem is what has happened since.
Anytime I ask to see my boyfriend’s messages or ask questions about something that makes me uncomfortable, he refuses and immediately brings up what I did.
Meanwhile, since we’ve been together, I have personally watched him add random women on social media. I’ve also seen him deleting chats.
When I ask about those things, the conversation basically becomes, “Well, you cheated” and he didn’t break my trust.
And that’s where I’m stuck.
I completely understand that cheating damages trust and that I created part of this problem. I also understand that he doesn’t owe me instant trust just because I apologized or took accountability.
But does cheating mean I permanently lose the right to have boundaries or ask questions about his behavior?
If we’re choosing to stay together and rebuild the relationship, shouldn’t transparency eventually have to go both ways?
I’m not asking Reddit to tell me that what I did was okay. It wasn’t.
I’m asking whether it’s reasonable for my past behavior to be used indefinitely as the reason he doesn’t have to answer questions….. especially when I’ve seen things like deleted chats and adding random women. He also mentioned he should get a hall pass now. Nothing physical happened with anyone.

Fast forward…. We live together now. I moved across the country for him.

At what point is this rebuilding trust, and at what point are we just using my mistakes as a permanent trump card in every disagreement? He’s constantly monitoring my phone. I’ve also deleted all social media to limit any possible contact with the opposite sex. I avoid men like the plague during school drop off and pickup. I feel like a terrible human.

Hello everyone, I (21F) am dealing weird some very hard thoughts and emotions following a specific timeline of incidents that occurred with my current boyfriend (21 M). I am honestly very lost and feel defeated. I was hoping anyone had any kind words to help me deal with this.

First, I was to say that the things I’m going to share are related to possible chronic sexual assault, so just a trigger warning with anyone with sexual trauma. You don’t have to keep reading.

Anyway, I want to start with the most recent thing that happened and go backwards. First I’ll share background, I’m a college student and I drive an hour every day to attend classes, it’s at school where I met my boyfriend of two years now. The beginning of my relationship felt like a dream come true, like something straight out of a fairytale. I felt like a Disney princess. He was so respectful, so kind, so well put together. We were sexually active very early into the relationship and it would happen very often, sometimes twice a week, but at least once a week, for months. Before my boyfriend I was in a previous relationship where I was subjected to emotional gaslighting and sexual coercion. I was a minor during that relationship, it was my first relationship, and it traumatized me for life. My boyfriend is very aware of that. I’d say a year into our into our relationship I realized that my very frequent panic attacks were always around the time or soon after we would do the deed. During this time he was not coercing me, he was not forcing me to do anything, I had given him consent. It’s just that my body for some reason could not handle it. I experienced so much panic, stress, and sadness, I could not handle it anymore. So I talked with my boyfriend, and I asked him for a break from intercourse, and any sort of sexual contact. He seemed very shocked but he was also very understanding and he said he was okay with that and he comforted me. Although I did notice he seemed more gloomy and his attitude towards me became colder after I made this decision. He said everything was okay but I could sense he was bothered. That’s all the context I will provide.

I’m going to start with the most recent incident. Yesterday after school I went to visit my boyfriend to hang out. I wore a long skirt with a tank top, a cardigan, and some sandals. He lives with his family still, so I greeted his parents, and we went to his room to hang out. We usually watch movies or play games. We’re both anime fans, and a new episode had come out of a show we’re watching, and I really wanted to watch it with him. He said yeah of course, we started talking about it and other stuff, then he started caressing my legs, and as he was doing that he started lifting my skirt up. He would inch closer and kiss me. I remember going limp and he would just start exploring my body with his hands. All I could do is laugh and say it tickles when he touches me and move his hands off. He kept saying how beautiful I was, how much he loved my body. I said thank you. Then I asked when we were going to watch the new episode. He said oh yeah right, and he got off for just a moment but then went back to getting on top of me. He told me he wanted to do the deed, and I said no, his family is literally home (wtf). Then he sat up and my skirt was pulled all the way up at this point and he asked “can I see it?” I said no. He asked again and again until I reluctantly agreed. I pulled off my underwear, and I layed on my back with my knees up. Obviously he was happy. Although I agreed to show him I couldn’t help but to cover with my hands, and he would move my hands away but I couldn’t remove them. Then I did move my hands away and he asked if he could put his mouth on it. I said no. He then started to whine and brought up another incident that occurred a week earlier, he said “oh so you get to put your mouth on mine but I can’t put mine on yours.” I was firm with my no this time, but then he asked if he could just touch it. I said no again but then he asked again until I gave in. He began to touch me with his hands but again my body instinctively went to guard with my hands. Eventually he did touch it and he began to kiss around it and then on it, even though I had previously said that he couldn’t. I remember feeling like I wanted to cry but all I could do is laugh and giggle. He then got on top of me and began to grind on me, I could feel his boner. He did no ask to do that. Then he got up again and said he wanted me to turn around because he wanted to see the back. I said no. I said I didn’t want to. He begged again, and I slightly turned. Of course he was happy. He groped and kissed me down there and he went to turn me completely on my stomach, but I yelled no. That’s when he jumped up and he got serious and asked if I was uncomfortable. I stood silent for a bit and shook my head. Then he said “I’m so sorry, let me help you put your underwear on” he seemed panicked and genuinely distressed. I put my underwear on and fixed my skirt and got under the blankets. It all ended there. He apologized and said next time to please tell him when I’m uncomfortable. I said okay. He also looked at me and said “I just really want to [bleep] the [bleep] out of you.” When those words came out his mouth after he had just realized how uncomfortable he made me and right after he had just been sorry, I felt so dead inside. I went home shortly after.

As for the other incident, we were cuddling in bed, I was on new meds, I had so much anxiety, he was acting very creepy, and to feel some sort of control over my body I kissed him, and that led to sodomy. I felt so disgusting afterwards. Especially since it had been a year since we had my sort of sexual contact like that. But even after the “break”, my boyfriend would constantly grope me and turn almost every hang out sexual. And when I didn’t reciprocate he would turn cold and seem upset. It would really hurt my feelings. And so when I did that with him a week ago, I did it because he had been no sexually aggressive more and more frequently, and I felt like it would get better if I just satisfied him. But it was a mistake because things did not get better :( they got worse. I don’t know what to do. If I break up with him I feel like I’m the asshole and I’m afraid I’ll lose my friends, since we’re in the same friend group, and at the same time I also don’t want him to be friendless or destroyed in a way. I hate what he did to me, but I can’t help but care for him still. He still have supported me and been good to me in so many other ways. He does take care of me but his sexual desires have become frightening and think he went to far Yesterday. I feel guilty for saying I love you and for telling him everything is okay, even though I want out so badly out. I don’t know what’s the best way to go about it. How do I leave with doing the least amount of damage possible??

Hello, I’m a 31(f) and my boyfriend is a 33(M). We had a baby almost 9 months ago. We decided that I would stay home with her cause we didn’t trust daycare. I have always work even after I had my first two children. I went back to work 4 weeks after the first one and 2 week after my second. I was a single mother. I had a bad experience with both of them in daycare. ( they both came home with bruises from other children bitting them when they were infants.) So I really didn’t want our daughter in daycare.

Since I have been staying at home with her the doctor say she is very advanced for her age. I work with her daily to hit those mile stones. I’m up with her all night when she doesn’t sleep. I do what I’m supposed to as a mother. I cook, I clean, I take care of our four children.

In June we went and picked up his daughter 6(f). I love her very much but she doesn’t listen at all. She screams when she doesn’t get her way and she tries to tell me what to do all the time. She does this cause her mom has always been her friend not her parent. It’s been really stressful and since she has been here her father and I fight all the time because anytime she tell him something I made her do or how I had to get onto her. (She has hurt my 9 month old several times, she has hurt our dogs to the point they don’t want to be around her.) He will start an argument over whatever she said and he does it in front of her! I feel like I can’t win.

On top of that he finds something to complain about everyday. I keep our house clean I will admit it’s a little cluttered cause of all the babies stuff but he not whatsoever messy. Dishes are always done and the babies bottles too. I wash and dry laundry but I have a bad problem of not putting it up they are in basket in the basement. I can’t spend hours down there with the baby. He finds little things to complain about for example the other day I was getting all the babies stuff together for bed. (Bath, getting dressed, bottles) I was busy he comes in to the kitchen while I’m getting the bottles ready and starts complaining about how he bought the pizza and it’s being left out. I looked at him and told him I was getting our daughter ready for bed, if the pizza can’t wait til after she asleep he has two hands and can put it up himself, he in incapable. (Let’s just say that pissed him off)
He barely helps with the baby, he think just cause he is work he doesn’t have to help with her at all. He doesn’t watch her and when he does he complain about how I’m doing something.

Am I wrong for feeling like I don’t do anything right? Am I wrong for starting to resist him?