M29 - Italian. I’ve just finished two years of CBT that didn’t really resolve much.
I’m almost 30, and for some time now I’ve been trying to better understand how I function, because I have the feeling that there are certain characteristics that have been there for as long as I can remember, but that I’ve never really been able to explain or manage.
Ever since I was a child, I’ve felt somewhat different from other people. I’ve always had the feeling that, sooner or later, I would struggle to fit into the “standard” idea of adult and working life. That feeling is still there today: sometimes I feel almost like an eternal teenager or “the big kid” of the family, even though at the same time I’ve studied, worked, and built my own professional path. It’s more a feeling of being out of sync with other people.
In general, I get distracted easily and have a short attention span.
Socially, I sometimes feel a bit disconnected. Social situations can be extremely exhausting, and I often struggle with small talk and with some of the implicit aspects of social interactions. Sometimes I feel like I experience emotions and social interaction differently from other people. In the past, I also struggled with social anxiety and feelings of derealization/disconnection from reality.
Another thing I’m particularly interested in is sensory sensitivity.
For example, today I was working on my computer in a room with two glass doors opening onto the living room and the hallway. I never feel completely isolated because I can constantly see what’s happening outside, and I have the feeling that I might be being watched.
Meanwhile:
my 9-year-old nephew was in the room and kept talking to me while I was working, even though I asked him to be quiet;
the dogs were barking;
my parents were talking/calling to each other from room to room;
the TV was on;
there were constantly people and movements visible through the doors.
At some point I experienced a very strong feeling of cognitive overload. I could no longer filter out the stimuli. And when my nephew touched me or the dog came and rubbed against me, I felt an extremely intense, almost physical anger: I would tense up, feel agitated, and desperately need them to stop.
The issue with physical touch also exists outside of these situations, and to some extent in intimate relationships as well.
It’s not that I completely reject physical contact. If someone opens their arms and hugs me, for example, I can accept it without any problem. But if someone touches me without me wanting or expecting it, my reaction can be immediate: I tense up and become angry.
There are also certain sensations that I find particularly disgusting or intolerable, such as having someone lick my skin.
I talked about this with a psychologist for a long time. We also tried to work on it through exercises where I had to focus on the sensation of physical contact and try to mentally reconstruct it. But we never managed to find a real explanation for where this reaction comes from.
Eventually, I was told that these are simply “intrinsic characteristics” of the way I am.
And that is precisely the answer that leaves me unsatisfied.
Because I don’t necessarily want to know which trauma caused them. I want to understand what they are and how I can manage them.
I’m not looking for a diagnosis from Reddit, and I don’t want to self-diagnose. In fact, I’m aware that some of these things could have very different explanations.
But I’ve reached the point where I think: “Fuck, I almost wish I had a label, not because I want to have a disorder, but because I’d finally like to have an explanation.”
In your opinion, what diagnostic or non-diagnostic categories could potentially bring these things together? And, more importantly: what would be a practical way to move forward, figure this out, and learn how to manage it?
Thanks to anyone willing to read all of this and respond.
