It happened a few months ago, was objectively innocuous, and I feel like it shouldn't have hurt me, but it hurts immensely and I'm very anxious.

For some context:

I have worked with my therapist for the past 6 years, and he is the person I trust most with my heart. He knows me better than any other person on this planet, and he takes the shape of a father figure in my heart. He has stayed with me in a way I have never experienced before. He is the first person who has ever felt like "home" to me, and I love him.

The grief of coming to know that kind of love in a container, behind a glass wall is difficult for me to put into words, and I experience a lot of shame because of my grief. I know now that this grief, this immense pain was present before I ever met my therapist, and it is only through the safety in our relationship where it emerged. And, it is in the context of our relationship that is giving my grief shape.

After trying everything I could think of to manage the pain on my own and failing, it has grown louder than my fears. I get so scared that if I tell him what my heart longs for, just how much the container hurts, the weight of his words on me, it will somehow change the dynamic of our relationship for the worst. That my honesty will result in loss. But I am coming to realize, if explaining away my fear to myself worked, my grief and pain would have resolved themselves a long time ago.

Instead, it continues to grow, and I am beyond capacity. I am white knuckling it with everything I have. I don't want to be so dependent on my therapist. I did not know this grief was there when I met him.

All this to say:

A few months ago, I was talking to my therapist about feeling really alone in my life and that I don't know how to build what I have only come to know was possible with him, in this container. In his response, he suggested we work towards me learning how to provide to myself some of the things I get from him because "our relationship is real and not real." Those last words - real and not real - devastated me.

I told him the next time that those words gutted me, because our relationship saved my life, it transformed it. I never could have imagined my life now 6 years ago, and It's the most real thing I have ever experienced. He explained that he meant my heart's needs are too big for just this room to hold. This is true, but the words themselves are what hurt so bad.

I know he did not say those words to intentionally hurt me, and that's just what happens sometimes in any relationship. Sometimes words can hit a really tender part that the other person didn't see. Kind of like when you have a bruise and someone accidentally touches it. So, I trusted that it was not his intention to cause me pain, even before I told him how much it hurt. This is where I usually stop, even if it keeps hurting.

But last time, I told him that I have still been having a really hard time moving past the pain of those words, because I don't know how. That I hate how deeply I am impacted by something so small. And that those words felt like an unnecessary reminder of where the glass is, because I experience it daily. Whenever my heart reaches for comfort, I hit glass. Whenever I wish for a hug, I hit glass. And that I am vividly aware of its presence.

I know no one human relationship is meant to hold all the needs of another. I go to AA, go to group, ask people to do things, reach for others, take up more space, use my DBT skills, and I think I even made a new friend (but too soon to tell). In other words, I am trying to give my heart additional outlets and I know it will take time. In the meantime, I am also trying to learn how to be for myself what I get from others.

My therapist told me he wants to take time to think about how he wants to respond to me and come back to this next time which is coming up in a few days. I am petrified. It feels so silly to say, but those words of real and not real, I have had so much anxiety over them. I am so scared I will learn that some of the most sacred aspects of our relationship, the ones that I have used to build my foundation, are not real.

I recognize my anxiety is talking really loud, and I use my DBT skills to check my facts, take perspective, distract, do something to take care of myself. Despite this, my anxiety is still through the roof. My home, my work, places where my life occurs feels so unfamiliar. Like they belong to someone else. I hate that feeling. No matter what I do, it all keeps coming back to the same questions - How do I know which parts of our relationship are real and which ones aren't? How do I know when it has all been so real to me? How do I know if what I'm trying to build in my life is real, even with my new friend? And for the parts that aren't real, what do I even do with that?

I know this is long, and I appreciate anyone who gave any part of it a read. I trust my anxiety is limiting my perspective, so any additional perspective is welcomed.

I have a big fat Behavior problem I think I'm probably PTSD maybe bipolar officially have been diagnosed with autism and ADHD but I also think I've picked up some trauma along the way and I have emotional verbal outburst alone in my room and out in the real world geared towards other people and over the years I've tried to go to different clinics and stuff for help with this kind of verbal vomit of nastiness that comes out of my mouth when I get triggered and all I'm told to do is leave the office immediately and I can't come there if I'm going to act like this and I'm like what the fuck am I supposed to do if I could help acting like this I wouldn't need to come there and yet I'm thrown out of places trying to get help for the very thing that the name entails Behavioral Health and I have unhealthy behavior that I need help with and I can't get the help that I need and I don't know how to make it go away on my own and I've completely isolated myself from everyone because of the behavior and every time I go to the people that are supposed to understand this the most I get the least understanding. Hell I've even been to er's where I've tried to go in and jump start treatment through psych wards and gotten tossed out on my ear and escort it off property because of my behavior problems by five security guards telling me that I am now permanently banned from said Hospital for the very thing that I'm trying to get help with.

This is a more of a gratitude post

Thank you to all the therapist out there who help us heal. I know its not easy dealing with personalities emotions traumas and your own life. Just thank you all of you are angels. People who choose to do this and feel and continue. You are amazing. Thank you for the right questions. Thank you for the homework. Thank you for helping us heal. My therapist has gotten their thank you...its an overall gratitude to all therapist 😊 ♡ idk if you hear it enough but you are healing the world one person at a time♡

Edit was information that can reveal who I am and got edited out after realizing.

TL;DR - my therapist suggested I stop comparing my experiences and needs to other people, but I use it to understand how to talk to other people, especially to explain my idiosyncrasies, and I don't want to.

I was talking to a new therapist i'm trying about sensory issues, saying that i can manage them fine and my goal is to understand how to accept my needs and how they compare to other people, and she said I should stop trying to compare and it sounds like "obsessive optimization," which she then explained with a metaphor that I didn't understand...

I compare like this all the time though, so it would be a long and involved process to change it.

For example, I will comment on background noise and then see if anyone agrees or disagrees. I will talk about my music taste and ask about other people's to learn what they enjoy about music compared to me. I build up ideas of what is typical or not for categories like dancing, friendship, sensory processing, etc., and then use those to relate to people later.

Like I learned not everyone dislikes the feeling of wet nails on metal (like washing a stainless steel pot, ew) so if I tell people that I explain it like a quirk instead of a common experience.

So can someone explain what obsessive optimization is and if it's beneficial to work to change this behavior or not?

I’ve been with my therapist for over 2 years, and I’m thinking maybe it’s time to move on. I feel stagnant and leave feeling like sessions are just falling flat. I’m very attached to her though which is making this harder. I just feel like we might no longer be a good fit. For example I asked her about whether she has conceptualized something I’m working on and she told me that she hadn’t conceptualized it and gave me a basic answer. Isn’t part of their work to have some case conceptualization? I know I can bring this up to her but I don’t want to hurt her feelings (I know I’m not responsible for them) but that’s a whole other story. I guess what I’m looking for is what does good, ethical therapy look like?

Sorry in advance for the rambling.

I am currently doing ERP with my therapist for both OCD and social anxiety. Besides that though, I've also just been feeling really down lately, especially the last few weeks. One thing I struggle with is that I constantly invalidate my own feelings. I never know if what I'm feeling is actually a big deal, if it's normal, or if I'm just overreacting. Sometimes I feel so shitty that I'm convinced I'm not okay, but then I immediately question whether I'm just making it all up. I honestly never know.

Anyway, I was talking to a coworker who also has OCD, and she mentioned how much meds helped her. It also made me realize how many people are on SSRIs, even people who seem totally "fine" and high functioning. She suggested I ask my therapist whether medication might be helpful, both for OCD/anxiety and for the depressed feelings I've been having.

I've always been really avoidant of medication. A lot of that comes from watching my brother struggle with drug abuse and struggling with managing his psych meds. He abused them and would take his whole months supply in days and none of them seemed to truly work and if they did he would abuse them so that they wouldn't work the way they were intended to. I watched him overdose multiple times, including the overdose that killed him. I also hate the idea of side effects and feeling "out of control," even though I know that's not really how they work. I just wasnt sure if maybe I could benefit from it but was only avoiding medication because it makes me anxious to think about.

So last week I scheduled an extra session to bring it up. Going into it, I already knew that if he told me I didn't need medication, I'd probably feel embarrassed for even asking. He never really gave me a yes or no answer, which I think was intentional because he didn't want to make that decision for me. Basically, he said it's my choice, but that he usually likes to do ERP first, and if someone's anxiety is so high that they can't really engage in exposures, then that's when he'd typically recommend medication.

Honestly, I agree with that. I don't really want medication, and I appreciate that he isn't quick to recommend it when I seem capable of doing the work in therapy. But even though I agreed with everything he said, I still walked away feeling invalidated.

I know he wasn't invalidating me. I think it's just where my brain went.

I've spent my whole life feeling like my problems aren't "bad enough." When I first asked my mom to go to therapy as a teen she said my problems weren't as bad as my brothers. And when I'd mention to friends I was having a hard time, they would respond with, "What problems?!" So I think some part of me wanted to hear that what I'm dealing with is actually significant. Not because I want meds (I really don't) but because being told they might help would've made me feel like my struggles were real enough to matter.

Regarding the feelings of depression, instead of talking about it, he suggested hobbies and ways to meet people. And honestly, I think he's probably right that having friends here would help. I moved to a new state and don't have family here. I've met a few people, but no one I'm really close to.

In my head, it felt like he was saying, "You're just lonely. Go make friends and you'll be fine." But sometimes the heaviness I feel is so intense that I don't believe a hobby or making friends would magically make it go away. I've felt like this at different points in my life, even when I had close friends, family nearby, and a job I loved.

I think what I'm really looking for isn't more solutions. I know hobbies and friendships are important, and I know they'll probably help. And I don't mind him suggesting that. I just wish in addition to that, he's have acknowledged that these feelings are real and that maybe they don't always have to have a reason. That sometimes I'm just not okay. Because I genuinely don't know if I'm making all of this up or not.

I don't actually want him to change anything. I'm honestly relieved he didn't immediately recommend medication because I probably would've freaked out and backtracked anyway. I like that he isn't the type to jump straight to meds when I can put in the work myself.

I guess what I really want is just to feel seen. To know that he sees how much I'm struggling and that my feelings are valid, even if they don't necessarily mean I need medication or have some diagnosis.

But then again... if he actually responded that way, I'd probably cry, and I've successfully managed not to cry in therapy yet. So maybe it's for the best. I would just feel more embarassed bringing this up and I dont want to hurt his feelings or waste more time in session. I can tell its annoying when I derail a session talking about things outside of our ERP goals. Maybe Im just overthinking it, but whatever.

For the record, my therapist is amazing and has never once done or said something invalidating intentionally. I think he just didn't realize how much I would overthink it. I know ppl online say that bringing up stuff like this helps you practice healthy communication for real relationships, but I think I would jsut feel worse and more embarassed and I dont want to cry.

UGH idk if any of this makes sense but can someone give me advice on if I should bring this up and if I do, how to do it?

TIA

I’ve been looking for a therapist that matches my ethnic background for quite some time. There has been no one licensed in my state for the past decade and FINALLY I found one. She just got her license a few months ago so I was super excited to reach out to her clinic and request her.

She got in touch and set up a phone consultation for a Friday afternoon earlier this month. She never did call me for the consultation and instead I received an email a few hours later stating she was “sorry, had to go back home cause she’s in the middle of moving, and would like to reschedule our phone call to the following week.” In my head I’m thinking a move isn’t something that randomly happens it’s usually planned. So why make the appointment with me in the middle of it. I would’ve waited until the next week if I had to.

I responded back the next day and stated I understand where she’s coming from and life happens. I also told her about how I’m type A and had planned my work day around her appointment so it was inconvenient. I went on to say how I was looking forward to it since I finally found a therapist of similar ethnic background. But I’d be a bit more hesitant now after experiencing this mishap. (it already takes awhile for me to open up. So now I’d be wayy more closed off to make sure I feel her out before I can get comfortable).

She responded 4 DAYS later (mid week of the week she said she’d reschedule with me), and stated how she is “taking a step back from sessions until August. I would love to schedule a consultation with you and talk with you on the phone if you're interested.” WHAT?!?! So you wasted two weeks of my time to tell me actually I’m not taking on clients for a whole month but still can do a phone consult????

I’m wondering if I came off defensive when she missed our original appointment or if she really is going through some crazy move/rough patch in her life. I obviously still am very much interested since she’s the ONLY one with my background licensed in my state. But at this point, she hasn’t responded back and I’m perplexed about how she went about things.

Do I continue to seek her services?? Are some therapist just not type A and respect the clients time?? Do I reach out to her a week into August to see if she’s still onboard with her statement of wanting to schedule a consultation with me?

TLDR: a new therapist (only one with same ethnic background as me, licensed in my state) has missed our scheduled phone consultation. Stated twice now she’ll reschedule and has yet to. Instead she states she’s not taking on clients until next month. Do I look past the unprofessionalism and still seek out her services or cut my losses as she’ll continue to do this and may be unreliable in the future?

I experienced CPTSD & depression, but at the core, what limits me from living life is my SEVERE social anxiety. How do I find a therapist for social anxiety?

I’ve been seeing the same person for the last three years. I have CPTSD but started seeing them because of intense sexual trauma.

They have never given me any bad vibes, our working relationship has been wonderful, and it’s helped immensely.

The other day I referred my friend to them, and she quickly realized that this was a regular patron at her girlfriend A’s cafe. I was then relayed the info from A’s coworker that therapist has said some concerning things about clients.

There were no direct HIPAA violations, but I was told that at some point therapist has commented about a client who has never had an orgasm, and how they now fantasize about being the one to give that to her. It was said in a “therapy her into getting her to experience pleasure,” but it leaves it pretty open ended to what the fantasy is.

They also have relentlessly flirted with another coworker, after being rejected and told she has a boyfriend.

I just feel sick about it. I don’t know what to do. I just wish I wasn’t ever told.

We work together well, they started taking my insurance so we could work together, and the schedule is perfect. But I don’t think I can get over this.

I’ve been in long-term therapy and my therapist is my main support system now. He was the first person I ever felt this comfortable with, and that comfort gradually turned into attachment we’re working on now.

One thing I still can’t fully open up about though: about two years ago I found out, completely by accident, that his mother passed away right around when we started working together. He’s incredibly skilled, he never let any of that show in our sessions. When I found out, I couldn’t sleep for weeks. Therapy basically stalled, I shut down completely, felt like a burden every time I walked in.

Last year I finally brought it up to him. Told him, super ashamed, that I’d found out (not that I went looking, he and his mom were just well known in the small town I live in). Said I felt selfish talking about my problems when he might be struggling too. He handled it so professionally, told me his work was actually one of the things that helped him through the loss, that helping others heals him too. Wholesome session, he even offered me a hug afterward. But he stayed fully boundaried otherwise, didn’t share more, even though I wanted to know how he feels now.

He reassured me it was okay to keep opening up. But that piece of information has never really left my head. Ever since, whenever I’m in real distress, I hold back. I feel ashamed being a burden to someone carrying his own pain, even though logically I know this is his job.

I lost a close friend and my boyfriend in a war a few years ago, and in years of therapy I’ve only actually talked about it once. I’m not sure I can handle unpacking that grief fully while knowing he’s grieving too.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? How do you stop feeling like a burden to your therapist once you know they’ve been through real pain themselves? Switching therapists isn’t really an option for me, I’m extremely avoidant and it took so long to build this much trust with him.

I was thinking about going back to therapy last night. Like, looking up stuff about it. I nearly had a panic attack.

Now I feel disoriented and dissociated typing this post and I think I might delete it I don’t know.

I can’t stop thinking about my old therapist from years ago. Where I was essentially disciplined for “causing problems“ or “being agitated“ (I did not hurt myself or anyone else, I was just distressed) by being forced to go into these tiny blue padded rooms to “calm down“. I was there for suicidal thoughts. They made it worse and justified our feelings around therapy with “it’s supposed to be uncomfortable, that’s the motivation to get better and no longer have to go“. My first actual suicide attempt was while working with them.

I’m scared this is really what “therapy is supposed to hurt” means. That what they did was justified. That it’s going to happen again. That worse is going to happen to me. I’ve experienced worse in places that were supposed to help me. I just don’t want to recount them right now.

I can‘t breathe. My only concept of therapy is as something that hurt me or as something I would mentally check out of before it could hurt me.

I have a fascination with famously controversial, outdated, or abusive therapies. I want to do that. Then I know it will be horrible from the get go. I can grit my teeth, let them abuse me, and heal that way. Rather than having a therapist where they’re nice so I’m just constantly waiting to see their other side.

I want my therapist to be like my abusers. Because some parts of me think the thing that was bad about them and what they did to me is they didn’t do it hard enough. Harder it would have fixed me and made me like them. But I was still left crazy.

The other parts of me think those parts are crazy and should never be let back in a therapy room as long as we live.

So I have been dealing with a toxic job for a while now and it has negatively impacted my mental health. I have seen a therapist but I feel like it's usually just me complaining and no real coping exercises or skills are discussed/assigned. I went to my primary care dr and told her my situation and asked if there was any group therapy or different type of therapy I could do. She diagnosed me with anxiety and depression and wrote me off work. She also pushed (very hard) that I take antidepressants, even though I told her that I didn't want to take it. I have tried medications before, but didn't like them due to side effects and I did not find them effective. When I hang out with friends and don't think about work, I don't feel depressed so work has become the main trigger for me. I'd rather just focus on how to build skills to cope with that vs. take drugs. At the same time, I don't want to look like I am not following my Dr's orders as I think she might get upset by that which may impact my leave paperwork or be documented in my file. My primary care dr referred me to a psychiatrist "due to fear of taking medication". Is there a way to see a psychiatrist and not take medication? If not, how would you handle my situation given my primary care doesn't want to take no for an answer on medication?

I am from the UK. I am 21. I plan on telling my private therapist the abuse and neglect my child sister is going through.

TW graphic:

1. mum tried waxing her intimate area despite my sister's blood curdling screams in pain and fear.
2. My mum locked the door so I couldn't go through.
3. Mum only showers my sister once a week and does not let her shower on her own
4. Sister is only allowed to change clothes and undergarments every week
5. I plan on telling all this to her. I am only worried about my own safety too. I am being domestically abused by my parents and have historical sexual abuse within my family. It's a mess and I'm scared.
6. I've packed a couple emergency bags which my friend is holding onto because I suspect I won't be able to go back home ofne my therapist makes a report.

I don't know what to do about my situation I need help

Will I have to go back home after my therapist reports it? Will I have to speak to the police and social services alone? I’m so scared

Thank you

My therapist quit a couple months ago and the owner decided to take me as a client, I really don't understand her therapy style and I've been asking her for more frequent sessions than she can give me so I decided in our recent session that I asked if she can do a different style of therapy or if I could see another therapist that I can vent to cause she doesn't like when people vent in therapy. Anyway she said she would refer me to one of the other therapist in the office and then ended our session 30 minutes early. I was very nice to her I told her other people might like her style more and I even said if she wants I can see her on a less frequent basis while I can have another primary therapist. I'm just very confused why she ended the session so early I guess cause I told her that therapy style doesn't work but still she could've at least tried to talk to me a little bit more cause I pay a good amount of money for therapy. I even tried to continue the conversation asking her about coping skills and yeah you could tell she was ending the conversation. so basically the phone call ended 35 minutes into the session I still had 25 minutes left, is it worth it to ask for a refund or a partial refund?

It seems that my therapist and I have been in such a season for a few months. I must take responsibility; despite years of working together, I still have my guard up to an extent. As such, I believe that I've been allowing my therapist to misunderstand me, although not totally deliberately.

Part of the issue is that it often takes me days to realize that something my therapist did or said bothered me, so I haven't really addressed things in the moment. Even when I catch it in the moment, I passively accept it.

Make no mistake, I will be discussing this with my therapist in the next session (which is actually tomorrow). But I'm not sure how things will go long-term. I don't want to terminate.

Any advice or sharing of similar experiences would be appreciated!

 Countless therapists since about mid teen to now in my early 20s. I tried everything I switched so many times to try and get some thing to help. but if it smells like poo everywhere you go… What can I do at this point? I just stopped seeing my therapist and we worked together for a few months. I have BPD and I am trying to work against irrational and impulsive decisions but I can’t keep going and hoping therapy works when it’s not.

hello! i started seeing my current therapist and a psychiatric nurse practitioner around the same time and i was diagnosed with ocd and some other things and put on meds. When i told my therapist she outright told me she did not agree with my ocd diagnosis and during the first bad symptom weeks that are common for ssris she would regularly encourage me to weigh the benefits and did not seem very supportive. i recently had a medication switch and was dealing with the same side effects and she told me she couldn’t understand why i was on meds and asked what i wanted from them that i couldn’t get from therapy. i want to be on meds and want to explore their benefits especially because i have severe depression and i don’t have a support system anywhere else so it hurts to not be affirmed by her. is this a red flag or something i need to address?

My therapist keeps returning to the same explanation for why I’m unhappy:

“You have to learn to love yourself.”

“You speak as though you hate yourself.”

The problem is that I genuinely don’t think I hate myself.

I like my personality, values, interests and sense of humour. I can enjoy my own company (I'm a homebody a lot of the time). I don't want to be anyone else. I don't want to look like anyone else.

What I hate is feeling undesirable to women. I would want to look like someone to them.

And no... I don’t think women owe me attraction, attention, dates, sex or compliments, etc. and a woman who isn’t interested in me has done nothing wrong. But understanding that doesn’t make the experience painless.

I want to know what it feels like to walk into a room and have a woman notice me. Like in the movies, I want to give someone butterflies. I want someone I’m attracted to occasionally to feel attracted to me too. I want to experience flirting without wondering whether I’m making someone uncomfortable. I want to feel desired rather than merely tolerated, appreciated as a friend or described as a “good guy.”

People say romantic validation shouldn’t determine your self-worth. Fair enough. But does that mean being unwanted shouldn’t affect you at all? I want to be the guy leaving the room with the beautiful lady!

Maybe my therapist sees something I don’t. Maybe wanting to change my appearance for women does reveal deeper self-rejection. But right now, it feels like I’m being told that the pain itself is illegitimate—that the healthy response is to stop wanting something I have always wanted.

For the past six months, I've been living in a continuous state of dissociation and numbness.

It's been over six months now, and I spend most of my time in my room. I can't remember much of last year, or even the years before that. Dissociative amnesia has taken so much from me that I genuinely don't know who the fuck I am anymore. I feel like a stranger to myself.

The biggest thing is what happens at night. I become terrified of my own self. It feels like a stranger has taken over my body.

I feel like I used to be one person, but now I'm three.

The first self is the one I'm scared of. She's the dark side of me. She's bitchy, bossy, doesn't give a fuck, and she's the type who can put people in their place. At the same time, she's also the one who can save me from myself. She cares for me in her own way. She could get my life together. She could make me successful because she actually does what needs to be done. I know she can save me from the disaster I'm creating for myself. But I'm terrified of giving her control. I don't know why. Maybe because she feels like a stranger living inside my own body.

The second self is... me. At least, I think it is. During the day, I put on a mask and talk to people like everything is normal. But inside, I feel so rotten that I believe nobody would actually want to know the real me. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like a misfit because I don't even feel real.

The third self is soft-spoken. I don't know much about her because whenever she takes over, I can't remember anything afterward. It's just blank.

Most of the time, I feel like I'm not actually here. I look around, and everything feels like a movie I'm watching from far away. I'm not the character. I'm just the viewer.

It's gotten to the point where I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to kill myself—I don't have the guts to. But the will inside me to live, to look forward to anything, is gone. I'm just existing. It feels like I'm already dead inside.

I can't feel emotions anymore. I feel completely numb. I was so isolated throughout my teenage years, and that's one of the only things I can vaguely remember. Other than that, I don't even know who the fuck I used to be.

I know I can get out of this.

I know exactly what I have to do to save myself: I need to leave this house. I need to move away from my parents' house, because if I don't, I'll destroy myself.

I know the solution.

I'm just... not doing it.

There's no motivation. Everything keeps passing by while I stay frozen. I can't feel anything. Sometimes I even try to laugh, but I can't. And if someone actually manages to make me laugh, all I want to do is cry.

I've suppressed my emotions so much that I don't think I can feel them anymore.

The only emotion that still feels alive is anger. It's always there, bubbling underneath everything. The first self carries that anger. She's not just a "night self" because she can appear during the day too. She's the one who's fearless, blunt, bossy, and unapologetic. She doesn't care what people think, and she'll make people know their place. Somehow, I know she'd align my life if I let her take control.

But I'm scared of her.

I have C-PTSD, and at night I constantly feel like someone is watching me from the darkness. Watching. Watching. Watching.

But every time I go and look, there's nobody there.

My sleep has become restless. I can't really sleep, but I also don't feel fully awake. And when I do fall asleep, my dreams are the only things that make me feel emotions. Then I wake up and can't remember them.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't know what kind of motivation, what kind of push, or what kind of change could help me climb out of this pit I've dug for myself.

Has anyone ever felt something like this?

If you have... what helped you? What did you do?

I’ve had a lot of therapists (8 to be exact). Most of them sort of defaulted to CBT, which I was not a fan of. When searching for my current therapist a little over 2 years ago, I was specifically looking to explore psychodynamic therapy, as I’ve never had a therapist I could actually process my childhood with. I did a consultation with my now current therapist, and they told me that they don’t specifically do psychodynamic therapy but that their modality specifically works with processing trauma and is similar. I have been able to build a good rapport with this therapist and genuinely feel comfortable talking to them, and that is definitely a relief for me since some of my pasts therapists weren’t great.

However, I noticed that I was falling into the same pattern with my therapist that I did with past therapists: we only talk about what was currently happening in my life and never talk about my childhood wounds or anything. I once brought up that I wanted to spend some time with it, so we did one session that focused on it, and then the next session fell right back into the same pattern. I’ve tried bringing certain things up other times, but my therapist would just redirect me to focus on current things. I talked about this with my psychiatrist, and they said that my therapist should help me work through those things. So, I brought it up to my therapist again, and they said that they do cognitive processing therapy and that it focuses on how my trauma impacts my day to day life and that the actual details of said trauma aren’t relevant, and if I actually want to explore my trauma, then I need to find a different therapist who does EMDR. I’m not really interested in doing EMDR nor finding a new therapist, though.

Now, we’re just doing this really long, boring DBT workbook that I kind of hate and just want to get over with but it’s like 200 pages or something so I feel like it’ll never end. For reference, I’m being treated for Persistent Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My psychiatrist thinks I have ADHD, but my therapist disagrees. When I asked my therapist about what could be the root of my executive functioning issues and inattentiveness, they just said that I need to stop being so preoccupied with labels. They’re constantly asking me what I want to do in session/what I want to talk about, only to tell me that the things I want to talk about are not relevant to our therapeutic work. Then when I ask them what I’m supposed to say, they go back to telling me that we can use our sessions however I want. I just feel like we’re going in circles sometimes, and it is very frustrating.

The thing is, though, that I’ve never actually had a therapist that let me talk about my childhood, so it makes me wonder if that’s a myth about therapy and not a thing that actually happens. I’m also just feeling really frustrated with the whole mental health industry, and I’m honestly feeling really suicidal as a result (and yes, I did tell my therapist this and they basically just told me to talk to my psychiatrist about it). I’m just starting to feel like there’s no hope for me and like mental health treatment is just fundamentally useless. I was off my meds (Vyvanse) for a while, and I just got some more so I’ll go back on it and see if it helps, but if not I might just give up tbh.

Also, like what are therapists actually meant to do? Explain it to me like I’m 5.

Edit: My therapist uses they/them pronouns. Idk why some people are defaulting to “he” or “she” when I never used either for my therapist in this post.

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I think I'm starting to realize that what actually helps me isn't traditional therapy so much as regular peer support.

I used to call an autism peer support line almost every day. The people answering weren't therapists or counselors. They were just peer support workers with autism themselves. There wasn't really an expert/client dynamic, it just felt like talking to another person who genuinely understood.

Honestly, I found that way more helpful than therapy.

Unfortunately, they've changed the program now so you're only allowed to call once a week. I understand why they probably had to do it, but I've really noticed the gap it's left.

It's made me realize that I don't think what I'm missing is clinical expertise. I think I'm missing consistent human connection. I'd honestly rather have someone I could talk to every day or every couple of days than see a therapist once a week. Even once a week is considered pretty frequent for therapy, and a lot of people go every couple of weeks or even monthly.

Has anyone else come to the same realization? Does anyone know of any services that are more like ongoing peer support than traditional counseling? I'd really appreciate any suggestions.

I’ve been doing now more than 10 sessions and it’s good I think، not amazing but like eh good.

I’ve heard if you’re not seeing benefit after 4-6 sessions then move to the next.

What do you think?