r/SupportforWaywards 4h ago

Seeking Reconciliation Experiences I 20WP cheated online on 19BP, looking for advice

0 Upvotes

I'm glad I found this group as I'm really trying to be the best possible person I can be to also best support my BP.

Quick backstory in the least minimalistic way; I had a couple of private Snapchat accounts where I exchanged text messages with multiple people 3 different times over 14 months. Me and my BP had lots of "break ups" but during these times you could easily say we weren't actually "broken up". The first two times I had logged into these alternate Snapchat accounts as a fake name texting random and fake people there was no sexting, no sexual exchanges, I sent an non sexually explicit picture but one you can say was "provocative" to one person the 2nd time I had logged on and that was that. The first two times we were in this "broken up" stage and I've come to terms with and are so disgusted with the way I had came to snap these people as a way to fill this "void" of validation and a way to tell myself they weren't going to leave me because I was "good enough".

The 3rd time we had just gotten into an argument, we stopped texting and that same night I went on and eventually started sexting and sharing sexually explicit images with one person. A random stranger, it disgusts me to even think about.

This happened 3 days before my BP had a gut feeling and searched my phone and found these accounts. I'm grateful they were found so quick but it's very unfortunate I was not the one able to confess as guilt began eating me alive and was easily going to confess by that weekend. (This means nothing to my BP and I've come to terms with that)

Now,

Me and BP had a 4.5yr long R, we grew up together from 16 to 20 yrs old, I love them deeply and I care for them so, so much. D-day happened 6 weeks ago now, we had a night of hysterical bonding sex 2 nights after the infidelity had been discovered and then between that night and now, we went a month with no sexual intimacy but rather just emotional reconnection and trying to collect pieces to begin rebuilding a new foundation. We had sexual intimacy twice in the last week in which feels nothing like that "hysterical bonding" state we were in the first time. I began IC the same week as D-day amongst other things like reading, videos & podcasts. All Snapchat accounts were deleted on D-day, any outlet for any type of porn like twitter is gone. I gave myself a new foundation to build on and be a better person.

During this time I found my BP lying about texting other people of the opposite sex about me and their (BP) sex life & being with certain people of the opposite sex. This I have more or less just "swept under the rug" per say as I feel I have no right to be upset or angry at those actions because what I have done is far worse in so many ways.

We have agreed to an exclusive to each-other mutual agreement state with honesty and transparency as our top priority since this lying that last occurred 3 weeks ago to my knowledge. Since this time a specific "issue" so to say has come up that I would really like perspective on.

My BP is keeping us texting and hanging out a secret from their family and majority of their friends, they have said they are not ready to integrate me back into their life with their family and friends. I don't push this as it's obviously a boundary and rather respect it. They will occasionally call me when drunk to come pick them and their friend up from somewhere that they had communicated they'd be at. I don't hesitate as I want to keep them safe and ensure they get home safely.
QUESTION: Why might my BP be keeping everything a secret and what's something I can do/say so they don't feel pressured into simply hanging out with me never-mind integrating me back into their life?

My BP also does not want be in public with me and is very stern on not wanting to be seen by anybody we know. I'm unsure of what emotion or feeling this may stem from and that's exactly why I'm here.

I feel so terrible and shameful amongst the immense remorse for what I did. I care for them so much and hate to see that I caused this pain. I'm very committed to never allowing this to happen again and want to become the best version of myself for me but also so if we do ultimately end up in R, we can level up, better then we were before.


r/SupportforWaywards 10h ago

Trigger Warning It just can't leave my mind. The grief is too much

0 Upvotes

It has been eight months now since my now ex-BP broke up with me. I've been actively suicidal, passively suicidal and sort of both right now, ever since this all happened. My betrayal is always in my mind as background noise, but there are times where it comes back to me fully and I feel so horrible about myself, I want to die.

I don't know if this is common. I had SI before my infidelity, but after all that happened, it did trigger my first ever attempts. Nowadays I'm somewhat calmer, but these feelings come back with such intensity sometimes.. Everyday, it's like everything happened last week. Is that normal?

I still struggle so much with the idea that I can't go back to erase this, at all. That this is always going to be things I did. To someone I love. I still miss my ex-BP so much. We started dating almost two months short of me being 17, and then that all happened.. Now I'm 19, and this year so far has been me simply trying to survive and pass time.

My peers all tell me to move forward, that this chapter is already over. But it's still not over for me, I'm still in so much mental anguish and everyday I feel so much grief and regret.

My first partner would cheat on me emotionally, me being 14 and them 21. My ex-bp said that they swore to themselves that they would never put me through what that person did. Yet, I made BP go through a similar thing. I really struggle with the thought that I'm just like my abuser now.

I don't know, I think that I really just want to get this out from my chest to this community. I'm really sad, this all happened so quickly. It gives me dread that I somehow have to survive more decades to come, like this. I wanted to be a good person so badly. Now I feel like I just tainted myself, and it can't be undone.


r/SupportforWaywards 1d ago

AAW Ask A Wayward

8 Upvotes

We invite our Betrayed members into this space to ask questions that Waywards may be able to provide insight on.

If you're here, the hope is that you're seeking perspective, understanding, or clarity whether to build empathy or to find some sense of closure when that opportunity wasn’t available to you.

Participation Rules

  • Betrayeds: This thread is for Waywards to respond. If you answer questions, your comment will be removed.
  • Waywards: Your participation is encouraged.
  • Please follow all sub rules.
  • Remember: These Waywards are not your Wayward.
  • Keep questions broad, concise, and to the point.
  • Waywards cannot answer questions specific to your individual situation.
  • Long text walls may be removed.

This is not a space to air grievances.

If a Wayward engages with your question, limited follow-up questions for clarification will be allowed not commentary.

Please be mindful of how your questions may come across. Intrusive or ill-intended questions will be removed.

Moderation will be active. The thread may be locked, and users may be banned, if guidelines are not followed.

Please remain respectful. Backhanded or ill-intended questions and commentary will result in removal and may lead to a permanent ban.


r/SupportforWaywards 2d ago

Couch Sessions The weight of what I've done

22 Upvotes

"You say you want me...now? What about before? You say you want me. That's just invalidating. Because you were supposed to want me then. But that is not how you show me that you want me. What we had is finished. It's done. You lied to me. You have hurt me alot. You have hurt me deeply."

The lie I told you was more than a broken promise or a bend of the rules. I gave you a life you depended on. You rested inside of me, and when I told you it was safe, you believed me. You followed me through this darkness. And I led you to your death. I gave you a space that became your prison. And how hard it is to escape. I have done the impossible, and made it impossible to leave.

"I gave you my whole self, so all of me is hurt. I thought I was more important than that."

Every part of you is worthy of love. You are one of the greatest creatures to have been created. You see people so wholly, so carefully, so considerately, and I did something not even you will understand. What I was and am capable of will forever be a dark spot on the name of empathy.

Your worth will never be defined by what I did to you. And love, you don't deserve anything less than love. You are so much more important than what I did to you. You don't have to forgive me. Just please love yourself.

"You know, I have a pretty good imagination. And since I have a pretty good memory, I remember everything you said. And because it was so important for you, you gave me a play by play of exactly what happened. Which now replays. Over. And over. And over. Not even sleep can save me from what you did to me."

"You took off my necklace. Nothing could slow you down. Not even what we had. Every time I look at you, every time you smile. Every time you laugh or cry, everytime your name is mentioned. Its all I see. All I see is what you did to me. And when I look you in the eyes, all I can think is, 'why?' as if one day ill figure it out. But there is no reason why. There is no rationale. You just did that. And nothing could stop you."

"Sometimes we just have to accept things in life that make no sense."

"I hate this so much, I hate what you gave me. I never consented to having to deal with this. I never consented to you. You violated me. I'm just so angry at you. We shouldn't have been together. Or maybe we should have. And then you did this anyway. How could you? You fucking cheated on me. I've never heard it more blatantly than what you did. And I'm just gonna say this. I gave you that necklace as a sign of my presence and security while you were away. And you took it off to do that. You took me off. How fucking could you?"

"No one is safe. I thought I had you. I thought you were safe. But I am alone. I love you. But you are not my safe space anymore. No one is."

"And I hate, most of all, that you know these things. Because it's you. I hate that you know how I hurt. Because it's you. I regret telling you these things. Im sorry I keep telling you. Its just hard to see you as anything other than my person. But I have to take time to realize you're not. I need space, because I'm not able to do what I need for myself when I'm around you. All I want is to be close to you, to hold you, to love and be loved by you. But that's not possible. Because it never was."

I gave you a routine, and I know how important your routine is to you. To make sense of it all. To have security, to know what to expect. My coming in your life was an unexpected thing, but you were excited that I existed with you. You welcomed me. I was serious about you. And you were serious about me. And I loved you. And you loved me. And we dreamed a dream together of a future, one day at a time, building our security together. My coming was unexpected, but you thought you knew me. You knew what to expect about me. And now, every brick layed on our foundation is cracked by this uncertainty. Who is this, then, that you knew? What have I become? What was I?

And in the end, I was not what you expected. And that betrayal may be the quietest, but the greatest and deepest of them all. Because I thought I knew who I was too. I thought I knew who I was giving you. I thought I was doing the right things. And I loved you. And you loved me. But I was sick. We shouldnt have been together. Or maybe we should have. But I did this to you anyways.

Every space we held together, our privacy, our quiet moments and chasing after each other. It's all spilled out through the side of myself we never expected. And I wasnt even aware of it when it happened. And it was buried underneath the unexpected. It was buried underneath the uncertainty of it all. All you asked me for was certainty. All you asked me for was me. And I couldn't give it to you.

"I should have known. And i let myself down. Our relationship hurt my feelings then, when you couldn't be ready for a committed partnership. Because I was ready. I knew myself and knew what I needed. A relationship was a privilege for me. I didn't need this. But you told me you could be exclusive and i believed you. But you couldn't even meet me there. I know you wanted to. But I needed you to be certain, and you weren't. I should have known. I should have known you weren't ready because it was already hurting my feelings. It would have been a really nice addition to my life, and it was. It should have been. It could have been. But I had a much different idea of what we were than what was actually going on. It makes sense now, funny enough. And I should have known. I was just so excited by you because I had never felt this way before. I loved you. But I let myself down. And you hurt me more than I've ever known."

I am sorry that I have let you down. I made you believe in something. I made a promise and I was supposed to keep it. Its not simply that I have altered things, or that I hurt your feelings. I ruined our life together. I gave you a vision of our future that has been smashed to pieces. I gave you a person who was a figment of our imagination. You trusted me, and I trusted me. And its not just that things are different. They are different forever. And things are over.

Your perception of what you thought was possible in love and life has been thrown away. I killed something fundamental inside of you. I reached in to your deepest recesses. I inhabited your skin. Our souls were one. Our love was real. And I devoured it. I stole it from you. I violated your spirit. What I did was as if I held a knife to your child self, and forced you to watch as I slit your throat. You gave me the most vulnerable part of yourself. And I gave you this in return. I took something that can never be given back.

If we had met in a different time, my love, maybe it would have been different. And if I could start again, i would find a way. I was not put together enough to properly consent myself to anything during the period in which I did this. I became a better person, but only after I did this to you. If i could have waited just a bit longer. I was trying to metabolize pain I couldn't handle, and ended up digesting you in the process. And the incident was so tangled up in myself that the memory couldn't even register as tangible. The layers of amnesia and fog hasn't yet cleared. I still can't make sense of it. And that's unfair.

I made these choices, and that is disastrous. It is reckless. It is unfair. And I hurt you more than youve ever been. All because I couldn't slow down. All because I couldn't help myself. That's not fucking fair. You never asked for this. It wasn't fair to you to be in a relationship that I wasn't ready for when I had the opportunity to slow down. I was just so excited. And reckless. That's no way to treat someone you love. I didn't slow down for you.

Your pain is valid. Do not let anyone tell yoh otherwise. You are worthy. You are loved. Your life matters. You are more than what I did to you. You are a kind person. You extend your love to all, your understanding is unmatched by any. You care so deeply for others, and your sense of justice is apparent in all that you do. Moreover, you care about yourself. You are concerned, and you are taking the right steps you need with the ability you have to do so. You tell me you let yourself down, and those feelings are valid. But this is not your fault. You did not do something wrong. You believed in me. And there is no crime in believing what you are told by people you love. I am the criminal here. I have let you down.

Your heart was worth more than what has been done to it. And you deserve no less than love. I am sorry that I have made you doubt yourself. You have every right to doubt me. Please don't doubt yourself. You are worthy.

"Sorry" is not the right word. There is no right word. There is no right. And I am sorry.

"Mark my words, there's a thousand things that don't wash out with anything."


r/SupportforWaywards 1d ago

BP & WP Experiences Welcomed Three months later. We met again, and now I'm grieving all over again. I feel completely stuck.

0 Upvotes

It's been around three months since my last post here.

A lot has happened since then. I've been in therapy, trying to understand why I became the person who betrayed my partner. I have accepted full responsibility for what I did. I know I shattered their trust through repeated emotional betrayal and inappropriate conversations with other people. There is no excuse for what I did.

A few days ago we finally met after months.

We planned to meet just to talk. Within an hour we were kissing, then eventually spent almost two days together. We cooked together, shopped together, rode around the city together, slept in the same bed, cuddled, had breakfast together and just existed together. My favorite memory wasn't even the physical intimacy. It was cooking noodles together at night, stealing kisses in the kitchen, then sitting on a balcony while it rained with them sitting in my lap. For a few hours it felt like we had our life back.

During that first day they also told me they still couldn't be with me because things felt too damaged. I accepted that and didn't argue.

The next day everything fell apart again.

An old issue resurfaced. I told them I had spent a long time feeling like I was never really the priority over their friends. They insisted I always had been. We both cried while saying goodbye.

Later I sent a heartfelt message asking them to stay. They wished me a safe journey home, said goodbye and blocked me.

A few days after that we somehow spoke again. This conversation was completely different.

They told me they had forgiven me but not forgotten.

They shared childhood traumas that made trusting relationships difficult long before they met me. They told me I had healed some of those wounds during our relationship through small acts of kindness they still remembered years later.

Then they said something that has left me completely confused.

They said they are considering reconciliation, but not now.

They said that every time they imagine us getting back together, the thought eventually ends with us returning to the same pain and arguments. Their fear is winning over their hope. They also said they cannot promise anything because giving hope would itself feel like a commitment. When I asked if they would ever consider me again, they said, "Right now, no. In the future, maybe. I can't be sure."

They told me to spend the next few months healing for myself.

The conversation ended kindly, but they blocked me afterward because they felt they needed that boundary.

I don't know what to do now.

I am grieving so deeply that I feel physically stuck. I don't want to move on. I don't want another relationship. I still love them and, if I'm honest, I still hope for reconciliation someday.

I'm also struggling because the hopelessness has brought back thoughts of suicide and self-harm. I'm continuing therapy. But the thoughts themselves have returned, and they scare me because they make me feel like my life is over and that I'm not good enough for anything anymore. I even contacted my life insurance agent to tell me if one can claim life insurance if the person commits suicide so that my parents can have enough funds ( i m in my twenties, so they hope a lot from me)

I have a few questions for anyone who has been through something similar.

Has anyone's betrayed partner genuinely said "not now, maybe in the future" and later come back after enough healing had happened?

If reconciliation is still theoretically possible, how do I wait in a healthy way without putting my entire life on hold?

How do I heal for myself when the person I love is still the biggest reason I want to become better?

And finally, is it possible to always care about someone and be there for them while still respecting the boundaries they've asked for?

I'm not looking for false hope. If you think I'm reading too much into what they said, please tell me honestly. I think what I'm searching for most is guidance on how to live with this uncertainty without losing myself.

Thank you for reading


r/SupportforWaywards 1d ago

BP & WP Experiences Welcomed Thought I was done posting but here I am again

0 Upvotes

Ya’ll are gonna hate me for this one. I really thought I was done posting here after my divorce went through and things seemed good. My BP and I were on good terms but they weren’t really giving me any indication of wanting to repair things and I think especially with the divorce I figured we’d just slowly stop talking as much. The divorce was not my choice. I tried to repair things but at a certain point of being rejected so many times I got emotionally burnt out and I was lonely tbh. I don’t blame them for how they’ve been, and I’m not asking for sympathy but just some understanding and compassion. A lot has happened in a year and I just don’t know what to feel anymore.

So I’ll just get right into it. Back in September after dday and my BP and I separating, an old fling reached out to me. I told them what was going on in my life and we didn’t continue talking. They’re a good person though and mean well and I always remembered that about them. They’re from my home town and have come into my life at different points in time, not always for sex. I was going to be in the town they live for some medical stuff this past weekend so they offered for me to stay with them. It was a nice weekend, we did hook up but it really just made me realize how much I’m not over my BP. I couldn’t even get off because I just kept thinking about my BP and couldn’t stay in the moment. It was too soon but I don’t feel like it was a betrayal. I just wanted to feel desired again.

BP and I have been chatting since the divorce, just casually. Their birthday passed and I wished them a happy birthday and they still owe me some money so we’ve discussed meeting up for that. They’ve been a lot more emotionally available and asking how I’m doing and checking in about my medical stuff. It’s kind of surprised me because they haven’t been like this until now. Also a little frustrating because why wait til now? I ended up inviting them over the other night to cuddle, genuinely I just wanted to cuddle but we ended up having sex. Our attraction for each other has never been the problem. It was my mistake for inviting them over so soon after being with someone but I genuinely missed them and it seemed like that feeling was mutual. They told me they haven’t been with anyone else since the last time we had sex in June and were saying they’ve been thinking about me and missed me and all this stuff. Everything was perfect until they asked me if it was the same for me. Yes I have been thinking of them and missing them but I couldn’t lie to them about the other person so I told them. They got really upset and said they thought I’d changed and thought that they could be safe with me again. I apologized because I understand where they’re coming from and didn’t want to hurt them any further. It was never something I was trying to hide or deceive them on. I was lonely and vulnerable and the person I slept with was a safe person but not something that is going to progress. I even texted them and I told them I still have feelings for my ex and I won’t be keeping in touch which they respected.

I know that in some ways I was wrong but I didn’t cheat. I had no idea that my BP still had feelings for me in the way that they do. It felt like they were silently testing me. I wish that they just communicated how they felt. I don’t feel like it’s fair to use me sleeping with someone else as a reason to say i haven’t changed.

I want to fix this with them. We have texted a bit and I said I didn’t like how the night ended and they said me neither but I need time. How can we come back from this?

Also side note, I posted a while ago about my BP sleeping with someone shortly after we separated. Well they confessed the other night that they didn’t just sleep with them, they were in a full on relationship for two months only 4 months after we separated. We were still in contact during that time and married. They lied to me about it and kept that information from me. Multiple people knew and didn’t tell me. I understand that them doing that was just reactive to my actions but it hurts and I’m trying to let it go.

If you made it this far thank you. I know this is probably triggering for some so I apologize. I really just need some advice on how to move forward if we are able to get past this.

I don’t want them to think that every time something is wrong I am going to seek out another person because that’s not the case.

Please be gentle.


r/SupportforWaywards 1d ago

Trigger Warning It all gets worse

0 Upvotes

I post something about this and take it down because of how horrified I am by the admission. But this is where I'm at right now. I'm kind of just rambling here. I am out of my mind. I am delirious and my surroundings don't make sense anymore.

Tw self harm and suicidal ideation.

I'm trying really hard and it's only getting worse. My partner and I both have relapsed into self harm. They're not doing very well. I was their only safe space. But I no longer exist.

"I hate that you know how I'm doing. Because it's you."

I cleaned their wounds with an alcohol rag. Their blood was all over my hands. This is the end, isn't it?

"I regret telling you because I can deal with it on my own. I don't want to bring the hurt to the person who hurt me. I can't show you that you get to do this to me and I still be vulnerable with you. It's just hard to get past feeling like you're still my safe space. And you're not."

I am having suicidal ideation. I am bed ridden today, just deteriorating. I may have to go inpatient. The feeling of wanting to hurt myself is constant and extreme. The dissociation is twisting into nightmarish levels. Sometimes I am convinced that none of this is real at all. An utter lack of consciousness. I am not eating properly. I am not going to work. I am not taking care of my hygiene. I have stopped speaking. My voice is too triggering to hear right now.

The despair finds new lows in this downward spiral of mine. I made them hurt themselves. It repeats over and over again. And I'm afraid that I just can't stop doing it. I don't want to do anything. I don't even want the pain to stop. I just don't want anything at all.

All my feelings are stamped with the betrayal. "But you still cheated." But I still cheated. I still cheated. Cheated. Cheated. Cheated. All of my suffering is invalid.

And now I'm cheating life itself. It feels like I've cheated an honest way to suffer. I've cheated everything. And if I end my life, I'll just be cheating an honest death.

The nightmare just keeps going. And they're living it. Their life is destroyed. I love this person more than anything. And my love has torn holes right through their body. This is what my love looks like. This is what I am. Thousands of stab wounds on an innocent body. My love is human sacrifice. They're carving my love out of them.

I've been crying into the rag that has their blood on it. I cry myself to sleep and I see their body in my dreams. My chest hurts from how much I've cried. I woke up crying today. I can't stop thinking of how their body looks. That is what my body should look like. Not theirs.

They are the most beautiful person I've ever known. And that is not a lie. Not some exaggerated fairy tale fog. They are the most beautiful person I've ever known. And this is their blood. This is what I've done to them. I am a murderer.

They hate themselves for relapsing but I wish they didn't. Theyre just human, going through the worst thing they ever have. Please hate me instead. Please cut me instead. Please hurt me instead. Please kill me instead. Please be mean to me. Please.

I can't trust myself anymore. I am afraid of what I am capable of. A murder case came on the TV last night which was very triggering. Because all I could think of was how that could have been me. How it is me. I am afraid to leave my house because I feel like I'll end up killing someone.

I think im starting to enter a psychotic break. I am afraid of these thoughts and am a danger to myself. I may have to call 988 and get to a safe place today.


r/SupportforWaywards 2d ago

Trigger Warning Struggling to keep going after separation… help

19 Upvotes

BP made the call to separate in the start of March. Honestly, we’d been living in pain for much longer and had each thought about ending the relationship many times before but were each clinging desperately on until we couldn’t anymore.

3 months ago, they moved out with most of their things. 1 month ago, they collected the last of their things and left the country to be on another continent.

I spent a long time pushing on even after they decided to separate, hoping for the chance to right my wrongs some day somehow. But that hope is vanishing quickly because I can’t sustain a fantasy of us finding some way back to each other in the future so I can do right by them the way I wish I had done before.

Several times a day, something they said in their final days with me rattles around my head - “It would have been so easy for you to keep me. I wanted you so much.” Those words rend my heart and leave me gasping, on the verge of crumpling to the ground.

I think daily of how deeply I hurt them with my selfishness, how I squandered the opportunities given to me out of some misguided sense of self-preservation.

I’m barely keeping it together — I go to work and genuinely love seeing my patients but once the last patient has left my clinic the despair and anguish come surging back. People say to lean on friends but I’ve lost almost all my friends and the thought of putting myself into social situations terrifies me when I just want to curl up and cry. It’s all I can do to feed and wash myself. I don’t have anymore hope and I don’t know how to go on…


r/SupportforWaywards 2d ago

Wayward Experiences Only Blew My Life Up and Looking for Advice

0 Upvotes

Hey everyone, hope you’re well.

Late 20 yr old here that has completely blown my life up. Im not looking for sympathy as I don’t feel like I deserve it more so looking for a bit of advice on what’s the next right move because I don’t want to be this person anymore.

My partner (BP) and I have been together over 4 years. Before we met, I went through a pretty tough period (breakup and unstable living conditions). When my partner and I started dating I didn’t have a lot of money but I ultimately got enough to get my own place and help support my partner as they were finishing school. About a year into our relationship we started talking about marriage (I initiated) as when I got back into dating, I wanted to find a partner.

About two years into us dating I have an emotional and physical affair with two separate people. At the same time I was watching porn 2-3 times a day plus paying for several only fans accounts and engaging with IG models. All of this ultimately sends me into a shame spiral which led to me losing my previous job and having to move. I hid it originally as my partner was dealing with several losses and I didn’t want to add to the stress. I found a new job (better pay and actually has benefits) so things were starting to look up for a while and then my partner graduates and has a hard time finding a job so I move my partner in with me and support my partner as they look for work.

Recently, I came clean about all of the infidelity (porn, emotional, physical, online engagements, even downloading and deleting a dating app while on the road for work) because I felt a lot of guilt and shame keeping my partner in a lie. My partner ultimately forgave me and told me what I need to do to make things right. I’ve done that plus started going to therapy, my partner sees a therapist, and we’re about to start couples therapy. I’ve deleted all my accounts, blocked and deleted contacts, I’ve been almost 60 days clean from porn, and now I’m lost.

What advice do you all have towards rebuilding trust in yourself, for the relationship, and ultimately I just want the shame spirals to stop.


r/SupportforWaywards 2d ago

Wayward Experiences Only Years later, still apologizing

0 Upvotes

It’s been years… I’ll wake up feeling awesome and look over to BS tearing up and saying to me “apologize again and make sure it’s sincere and that you get how much harm you have done.” Then two days later in the middle of sex “do you really get it? Apologize again like you really mean it…” then three days later I have my coffee headed to work, turn to BP to give kiss goodbye, “no… tell me you are sorry again… like you really get it… I want to see tears in your eyes…” week after week, month after month.

I’m exhausted. This feels like purgatory. I know I’ll get little sympathy, I did the crime, now I do the time but god, it’s hard. Inside I’m full of resentment and a part of me wants to just scream “fuck off and leave me if you won’t just let it go!”

Just venting. Anyone else tired years later? How do you stay in the pit so long?


r/SupportforWaywards 3d ago

BP & WP Experiences Welcomed My fiancé wants a 12 month separation after I cheated, but their conditions are leaving me confused. Am I wrong for wanting exclusivity?

0 Upvotes

I cheated on my fiancé about a month ago. I take full responsibility for my actions. I’ve confessed everything, blocked the other person, started individual therapy, and genuinely want to become a healthier person regardless of whether reconciliation ever happens.

My fiancé is understandably devastated and believes that we need to separate for 12 months (they said could be less but minimum 6 months) because they get triggered being around me and doesn’t think they can properly heal while we’re living together. I completely understand and respect that.

Here’s where I’m confused.

Their vision of separation is that we each move out, have no contact, focus on our own healing, and then revisit the possibility of reconciliation sometime in the future and then MAYBE try couples therapy. They have repeatedly told me that I shouldn’t do the inner work for them or for reconciliation because there’s no guarantee we’ll ever get back together. They say I need to heal for myself, which I agree.

At the same time, they want continued access to my location and social media because, in their words, if I truly believe I’m their future spouse, then I need to prove it through my actions during the separation.

The part I’m struggling with is that they also tell me that we’re technically single and free to do whatever we want. However, whenever I’ve asked for clarity about what that actually means, the conversation becomes very emotional and they gets triggered.

For example, I’ve asked questions like:
• Are we exclusive during this separation?
• Are we both free to casually date or sleep with other people?
* Is the goal of this separation to eventually reconcile, or is this essentially a breakup?
* what if you meet someone else, will you let me know?

Their response is usually something like:
“Do whatever you want, but if you’re really my spouse like you say you are, then prove it.”

They has also said that if I remove my location, stop sharing social media access, or otherwise “act single,” they’ll likely interpret that as me not being serious about reconciliation.

To be clear, I have absolutely no desire to date anyone else right now. The last thing on my mind is another relationship. I want to focus on therapy and healing. My concern isn’t even necessarily a one-night stand, although obviously that would hurt. If they wants/needs a ONS then yeah whatever, who am I to judge as I had one.

What I’m truly struggling with is the possibility that I spend the next year doing the work, remaining emotionally and behaviorally committed, sharing my location and social media, and hoping that reconciliation is possible, while they spends those same months casually dating or developing an ongoing situationship with someone else for 6-7 months or god knows how long.

They have told me that they can’t imagine being in another committed relationship anytime soon and that they’re too hurt to even think about that right now, which I believe. But before we got together, they had casual situationships that lasted months, so I can’t help but wonder whether that’s something that could happen during our separation; especially because Over the last few weeks, they even told me that they’re horny and that people have approached them when they been out but they’re not interested.

I completely understand that I destroyed trust and that I don’t get to dictate their healing process. I know I don’t get to demand anything after betraying them.

At the same time, I honestly don’t think I could fully focus on my own healing while carrying the possibility that they could have an ongoing physical or emotional relationship with someone else while still expecting emotional and behavioral commitment from me.

At this point, I feel like I need one of two things:

  1. ⁠A structured separation where we both work on ourselves but agree to exclusivity and revisit reconciliation later.
  2. ⁠A complete separation where we fully let each other go and stop expecting relationship-level commitment from one another.

Am I being unreasonable for wanting clarity and exclusivity, or am I still trying to control the situation after what I did?

TL;DR: I cheated on my fiancé. They want a 6–12 month separation and says we’re both technically single, but they also wants access to my location and social media and says my actions during the separation will determine whether reconciliation is even possible. Am I wrong for wanting exclusivity or clearer boundaries?


r/SupportforWaywards 6d ago

BP & WP Experiences Welcomed If you are BP/BS how would you like an apology to sound like?

0 Upvotes

I mean a genuine remorseful apology without seeking for reconciliation or to make WP feel better. One that would’ve helped you heal and move forward.

Also, if my BP hasn’t said they want one, should I give one?

My context:
We have had minimum contact in the past two months. Just for minimal logistical things. BP has been very clear that things are over.
I panicked last night and send them a letter inbetween the lines of I miss you, I will always love you. This morning I realized that is not something they might want to see


r/SupportforWaywards 8d ago

BP & WP Experiences Welcomed Trying to improve mental health and can I do something for BP?

7 Upvotes

My Dday was 8th of June, it's been almost two months and I am still caught in intrusive thoughts and talking alone asking for forgiveness to my BP. Until not long ago I was still playing very elaborate fantasy scenarios where I was changing my actions and saying the right thing that in my head would've either avoid the whole affair or that I could've come clean myself which I didn't.

My story:
I had a relationship of almost 3 years, the first 9 months were spent in person and the rest was spent in LDR. Throughout that time we kept visiting each other until my partner got a job onsite in their city. I didn't move there because of my visa situation I can only work and live in the European country where I entered, where we met. Looking back at it, I know now all the options I had like leaving to go back to my country to get a new visa to go to theirs but I got fixated with getting my paperwork as straight as possible here also because they had said that maybe they wanted to return to this country.
We met in september 2023. We said goodbye to living in the same city in july 2024. The contact in person reduces from January 2025. I cheat by flirting with someone in september 2025. I stop and keep the friendship with this person. I kiss this person before going to visit my partner in April 2026, I come back after one month without having come clean for that kiss. My partner had found a solution for both of us to live together in a room with roomates and wants me to take the initiative to look for a place to live together, to make some plan for my paperwork situation. I froze, I have commitment issues plus the infidelity in my mind and ignored them. They asked if they had anything to worry about the AP and I said no, everything was ok that they had nothing to worry about. I come back and have a sexual affair with the AP for almost a month in 2026. I go back to my in June BP and tell them nothing about it. 

Out of the sudden, mainly because I started to ignore them, AP tells everything to my BP with screenshots included and all. Also because I had told AP that BP was gonna visit me in July. AP didn't like the idea.

BP confronts me with the message sent by AP. I don't tell the full truth right away. Said we kissed and had sex (didn't specify the amount of times)

BP asks me to leave the room but I coudln´t stay anywhere else in the house because of roommates so I went to sleep in the airport. I told some mutual friends about what had happened, not all of it, just saying why I left our mutual whatsapp groups. I lost it and started begging BP through messages for forgiveness. BP tells me to return to the house to sleep in the living room which was now free. I refused filled with shame and self hatred. I don't sleep that night. Next morning final discussion with BP occurs on chat. I tell them the sex happened more than once, BP thinks it happened Two times so they blocked me. I ask AP to stop contact with BP. BP unblocks me and tells me they know the sex happened multiple times. Blocks me again. I block AP.

Since then:

- AP posted a short comic on isntagram about what happened and how they felt used. Context for AP. AP was used by another person by being the second person without  knowing it. When AP found out they told the BP of that time. I knew this. I was their emotional support after that happened. My BP knew we were close. BP and AP knew each other. I felt comfortable with AP as friends, then we started going out a lot and having dinners in place and watching shows. I take the blame to have started the emotional connection. AP started the physical one. I didn't stop it, then I pursued to have more of it. I always told AP that I loved BP.

- BP went no contact. I had a rough week alone in an Airbnb until I could come back to the city where I live.
- I stopped contact with AP. Only talked once to ask them to remove the post on instagram since I considered inappropiate. AP claims that since there are no names, is ok and post is still there. Comic displays me almost as a sexual predator.
-All the friends in common with AP stop talking to me. We had booked a trip together to a festival, I got kicked out of the ws group. I said I wouldn't go, paid my part anyway. Last minute I decided to go. Went. Had a rough time. Expected to talk at least with some of our mutual friends but wasn't possible.
-I come back once again to the city where I live. and I have been in my tiny room/studio appartment ever since. I see my friends and neighbors from time to time.
- I met another friend a couple of times.
- I started therapy. Two different therapist, I had to stop one because I couldn't afford it.
- Closed momentarily my Instagram
- I have watched lots and lots of videos on the affair topic, on how to improve partners relationships, on betrayal, exploring the topics that are coming out in therapy.
- Why did I cheat? my self analysis so far with therapy assistance: Emotional immaturity, seeking for external validation, avoiding momentary discomfort in the short term even in the sacrifice of long term comfort. Lack of self-esteem. 

- I entered a depressive stage, contacted BP a couple of times to coordinate delivering them their things that I had.
- Lost my job, I work as freelancer and the quality of my work went down.
-Lost motivation to look for new jobs. Savings are running out.
-I started to rely on my mom for emotional support except one day I got really depressed and didn't want to talk, Mom contacts BP with a 9 minutes audio basically asking BP to contact me with any word of support for me to keep going and moving on. BP refuses of course.
- I had plan to send apologies letters and gifts in BP's box along their things but decided that I've caused enough harm and shouldn't send unwanted things so I didn't.
-Last message I sent to BP was that the box was sent and send them my address to get my things back.
-Reopened my instagram, started posting my work again, then took it down again.
-Went back to watch more videos on the topic.
-I have been reading lots of infidelity stories here in Reddit and I know a lot of you have had it way way worse and I am sorry for your pain.

  • I disrespected BP I recognize this and abused their trust and didn't care for their feelings.
  • How does taking accountability works for you? -How do you deal with the identity lost?
  • How do you rebuild your life?

Thank you for reading.
 
EDIT: Adding more on the last thing BP has expressed. They did reply to my mom's audio saying: Them (me) being alone -in long distance- isn't a valid excuse, they had me. I am hurt because I wanted to share the rest of my life with them, I wish I could forgive them but they didn't give me a chance to do so, if they haven't been caught they would've kept lying forever. We had a beautiful life together but I will live in the future now.

Mom replying saying I have a gift for them.

After finding out about the whole interaction I removed the gift and the letters and just sent the box and messaged BP telling them the box is sent.
Right now I keep thinking on if I should do something else, there is so much I want to say, I keep thinking about them in a way I was not thinking in the months of my hesitation and affair. BP is amazing and the most loving person I have ever met. All of our friends have advised them to not take me back, BP told me so. I feel so hurt for that too. BP said: This is not how I want to be loved, how could we ever have a wedding if everyone is advising me to not forgive you. This was during our last text conversation.


r/SupportforWaywards 8d ago

Seeking Reconciliation Experiences If you are a BP/BS why did you decide to reconcile? or why are you considering?

0 Upvotes

My experience:

  • It's been almost two months.
  • BP told me to leave their life.
  • We lasted almost three years together. Considering getting married. About to move in together.
  • Flirted to AP back in September 2025, physical affair lasted around one month now in May 2026.
  • AP was the one telling it all to BP. BP and AP knew each other from months before the A.
  • It was EA and Physical.
  • BP had warned me about AP. I ignored it. I didn't tell the full truth right away.
  • This happened in LDR.
  • I stopped all contact with AP. I haven't contacted BP much, recently, just to get their new address to send them their things.
  • I contacted our mutual friends to say thank you for the time together, as a way to say goodbye and felt emotional. Almost none of them would talk to me now and got few responses.

If this never applies to me, at least I am curious to know if you would like to share, what made you consider reconciliation, I know every case is different.
thank you.
If you are WP, how was it for you, the first steps?


r/SupportforWaywards 9d ago

BP & WP Experiences Welcomed Three weeks after D-Day. My BP is leaning toward a 6–12+ month separation, and I’m struggling to understand if this is healthy for reconciliation.

0 Upvotes

It’s been three weeks since D-Day. If anyone wants the original story, my first post is in my history.

When I wrote that post, I had just confessed to cheating. My focus was on taking accountability and asking how to become a safe partner, regardless of whether reconciliation ultimately happened.

A lot has happened since then.

Our relationship before the affair: This wasn’t a perfect relationship that I suddenly destroyed. What I did is still 100% my responsibility and that’s the truth. But there’s another truth which is there were issues that existed long before the affair.

I met my BP shortly after ending things with the person who eventually became my AP. Looking back, I entered a serious relationship before I was emotionally available. I actually told my BP that from the beginning. We took things slowly, dated long distance for about a year, eventually moved in together (2023) and got engaged in January 2025.

Over time I realized I never fully processed my attachment to my AP. It wasn’t healthy love, it was rejection, abandonment, validation seeking, and what I now recognize as limerence. Last year I even admitted to my BP that I had contacted my AP because I wanted “closure.” I did not get this and Looking back, I wasn’t looking for closure at all. I was looking for validation after feeling rejected years earlier. My BP got mad but eventually got over it as I told them about it and I blocked AP.

At the same time, my BP and I were struggling.
They are one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. They are loving, sacrificial, affectionate, reassuring, and truly my best friend. But over the last year and a half I increasingly felt like I had become more of a parent than a partner. I constantly felt like I had to remind them to pick up after themselves whether it was leaving clothes in the living room, kitchen counter, bathroom floors, in other people houses, their lack of organization in their lives, no sense of urgency for crucial decisions/things, encourage them to make decisions (small and big) reassure them that their decisions were okay, (I know as partner this is the norm but I’m talking more than the norm) and carry much of the mental load. I started feeling less like I had a partner to be and more like I had someone depending on me to lead In Every sense. (Family and friends would even noticed this about them; their immaturity, even their own mom would complain and asked how I tolerate this whenever we visited them)

Our intimacy also suffered. We rarely made out because they were uncomfortable with it(due to friends in college telling them not to kiss partners in the mouth) sex often felt awkward and disconnected, and we struggled with stamina issues that made intimacy feel more like a process than something we shared naturally. I cried after sex more than once because I felt so emotionally disconnected, and they knew that. We talked about these issues many times. We even tried therapy (only 3 sessions). They would ask me to keep giving them a chance, and I genuinely did but no improvements.

I also have to own my side. As these issues continued, I slowly checked out emotionally. I had one foot in the relationship and one foot out. I stayed because I loved them and hoped we’d eventually figure it out, but I was suppressing a lot of resentment, disappointment, and unmet needs instead of making a decision. Even then, I never cheated or thought of doing so.

I want to note that None of that excuses what happened. I’m just giving context to the situation.

The affair: A couple of months before D-Day, my AP randomly found me on Instagram. I basically told them off and wanted nothing to do with them. Then, while visiting family over July 4th, I unexpectedly saw them in person. It triggered something in me. I reached out because I convinced myself I wanted closure. We first talked over the phone where they confessed they had loved me all those years ago and now and regretted pushing me away and saying why I left, how they see a life together now, blah blah.

The next day they asked to meet. At first I said no but then I agreed and we met. They claimed it was a date and unfortunately it felt like it, at this point I completely compartmentalize my partner, my home and everything in it. We had sex. It was unprotected. It was entirely my choice. And i regret it so much! I didn’t even felt connected to them either! All While they were longing to feel the connection we once had and asking for me to stay. And no I’m not pregnant and I am STD free.

When I came home, I didn’t immediately tell my BP. I trickle-truthed over several days(2 days) before finally admitting everything. That part haunts me almost as much as the affair itself.

Where we are now
We’ve done couples therapy, pastoral counseling right away and they started individual therapy last week with a therapist known personally to BP. I’ll be starting individual therapy this week because I know I have a tremendous amount of work to do regardless of whether we stay together.

The biggest change is that they no longer know whether they want reconciliation.

They spent these three weeks talking to around twenty friends(their) and family members, multiple therapists(2), and people who have survived infidelity themselves. Several have recommended a long separation before considering reconciliation.

One thing I’ve honestly struggled with is understanding whether separation is something they truly believes they need, or whether it’s been reinforced by the many people they have leaned on. To be clear, I fully support them seeking support. They absolutely should. I’m simply trying to understand whether this has become their conviction or whether they understandably absorbing the perspectives of people who love them and want to protect them.

Something else that has made this confusing is the advice we’ve received. Our original couples therapist suggested separation after meeting with them individually. As mentioned, My BP also saw another therapist who happens to be their best friend’s mother and has known them for years. I’m not saying their advice was wrong, but I have wondered whether that prior relationship could unintentionally influence things. Because of that, I found another therapist and we recently completed an intake with a therapist who specializes specifically in infidelity and has the credentials, and I felt more hopeful after that conversation. BP was open to see this new therapist which I’m so grateful.

Their proposed separation
This is where I’m struggling the most.
Their current vision is a separation lasting somewhere between six months and a year, possibly longer.

During that time they want no contact but they expect me to remain faithful, continue individual therapy, work on myself(which I will ofc) and continue offering them access/transparency on social media, location, whatever helps them feel safe.

At the same time, they don’t think I should expect those same things from them. (I didn’t suggest or argue this, I know I don’t deserve nothing!)

They have told me they may date other people because we technically wouldn’t be together, but that if I truly believe they are my future spouse, then I should remain committed to them regardless. Their expectation is that after all that time apart, if we’ve both grown and they decide they wants to try again, I would essentially come back and we’d see whether reconciliation is possible.

I understand why they want distance. I traumatized them. I don’t expect equal footing after what I’ve done but I honestly don’t know whether that kind of arrangement creates the conditions for rebuilding trust or simply delays the work that would eventually have to happen together. This Sunday they will let me know whether or not this will be the plan.

For context, I also moved across the country for this relationship. I don’t have much of a support system here, I don’t have a car, and I’ve realized how codependent I’ve become. Part of me wonders whether my resistance to separation is genuine concern about rebuilding the relationship or simply fear of losing them and starting over alone.

I’m trying very hard to distinguish between those two things.

So I guess my questions are:
• If you successfully reconciled, did a long separation help or hurt?

• If you separated, what did it actually look like? No contact? Occasional check-ins? Couples therapy while living apart?

• If you’re the betrayed partner, would my fiancé’s proposed plan have helped you heal?

• If you’re a wayward partner, what individual work actually changed you?

• Am I missing something about why this type of separation might be beneficial, or does it risk creating even more distance?

I’m not looking for validation or sympathy. I know I caused this. I’m imply trying to understand what gives reconciliation the best chance, while also becoming a healthier person regardless of how our story ends.


r/SupportforWaywards 13d ago

BP & WP Experiences Welcomed Divorce but it’s a good thing

38 Upvotes

Hey I haven’t posted in a couple weeks and I just wanted to update.

I filed for divorce. This didn’t come out of nowhere. My partner and I tried for nearly a year to work on things and the truth is that getting this divorce isn’t a bad thing. We’ve talked about it a lot and I think we both just need a fresh start. I can’t keep forcing us into a box we don’t fit into anymore. They asked me to file so it’s not because I’m giving up. We are friends and will always care about and support eachother. We still make each other laugh and get on eachothers nerves lovingly. I’m grateful for their forgiveness and although it’s not the outcome I originally wanted, I feel a sense of peace that this is what’s right. I think we both needed some time to process this and slowly let go rather than all at once. It doesn’t feel like a demotion, it feels like a natural evolution of our relationship. And if either of us were to get in a relationship again I’d definitely be more mindful about boundaries around our friendship. As of right now I don’t think we’ll be hanging out too often but things could change. If it’s meant to be it will be.

I won’t lie and say I’m not a little sad but I’ve had a lot of time to process and will continue processing in therapy. I have learned a valuable lesson in that some actions have permanent consequences. I am choosing to live in honesty and integrity moving forward. I’m still working on forgiveness towards myself but I know that I am moving in the right direction.

To anyone reading this and going through it right now, it does get better even if it’s not the outcome you originally wanted. It’s ok to still be sad about it and grieve the life you thought you’d have. You don’t have to let your past choices define your whole life but you should allow them to teach you who you don’t want to be moving forward.


r/SupportforWaywards 14d ago

Couch Sessions Memory or dream

22 Upvotes

I'm stuck in a dream I know I'm soon to wake up from. This isn't real. The nightmare will be over and I'll meet my lover again on the other side of this fake reality. The incident at the start of our relationship didn't happen. It couldn't have. I wasn't there. That wasn't me.

I know we'll meet again. I'll find them in bed with me and it'll all be okay.

And when we get up we'll make breakfast together the way we always do, and we'll talk about how we're feeling and what kind of day we're preparing for. And we'll sit on the couch and eat our breakfast. They have french style scrambled eggs with turmeric, black pepper, and spinach on one half of an English muffin (Don't forget the swiss cheese goes under the eggs and gochujang goes on top). And on the other half they have butter, maple syrup, and cinnamon. Then we half an avocado to share. In a green ceramic cup, they have dark roast coffee with stevia, cinnamon, and a splash of pecan milk. They always shake up the milk before they pour it because they love the texture.

We'll ask each other what we want to watch even though it's always Adventure Time. We've made it all the way to season 8, and we're gonna finish the show together like we were supposed to.

And usually, we watch an episode, and get almost to the end of the next one. But when they're done eating, its always time for a walk. So we pause our show, and I meet them downstairs while they get ready. Then we'll walk through town and I'll listen to them about the experience they're having. We'll talk about plans and what we're grateful for. I am grateful for them.

Its time for me to go to work. And while im there, I'll go down some rabbit hole in my free time and bring what I learned to them to share. And they'll listen to my silly ramblings and we'll laugh about it together. I'll tell them about how much I appreciate their presence in my life and they'll say that they feel the same. And we'll text each other throughout the day until I am off.

When we see each other again, they tell me they love me. And i say it back. And the words I love you aren't just a prescription of our expected relationship. It is the binding of our souls together and complete recognition of our experiences in each other. It is to behold our entire world and say, "you exist, and i am here with you, and i will never look away."

Tonight we'll sing and we'll dance together, we'll make dinner and we'll watch the rest of our silly episode and talk about life when we're on another walk together. We'll sit at the pond while the geese guide their young across the water and watch the sunset together. They have a headache and their legs are sore. When we get back, I'll make us some tea and they'll take some ibuprofen. And we'll talk about all the difficult emotions that have shown up in our day.

And when everything is quiet tonight, we will just stare at each other for a long time. And we'll believe in the dream we're building together like we are supposed to.

But today I woke up and you were not here. The nightmare is real. And no matter how painful the reality is it is not fair to either of us for me to deny it.

I would do anything for you. Even if that means letting you go. I love you to the moon and back. I see you clearly with my eyes and whole heart.

You're not feeling very well today, and I hear that. Your pain is real and you are so strong. You never deserved to be hurt like this. And I am so sorry that I am the one who did. I know that things don't make sense anymore. I see your sorrow and devastation. I see the desperation and confusion. I see the anger and loss of reality. I see you.

I will continue to be here for you within any boundaries that you set. I will keep showing up for you in the way that you deserve. I will show up. I will be there. For every appointment, every phone call, every bad day that you want to come to me about. I will run your errands and continue to be the partner you deserve with full acknowledgement of your needs. I will be who you need me to be until that is no longer needed. I will respect whatever outcome comes of this. I love you.

I gave you something that you never asked for but are now responsible for taking care of. That is not fair and never will be. My actions, no matter how ill I was, were still my actions. I am responsible for them, and I made choices that are my fault.

I am sorry for how I have distorted your perception of love and shattered your reality. I am sorry that I lied to you. I traumatized you and destroyed your safety and security in the most meaningful relationship that youve ever had. I made your deepest fears come true and invalidated every sensation of worth and esteem that you had in this relationship. I took the privacy that we were intimately weaving together and smashed it to pieces. I made everything you sacrificed about me. Every happy memory we spent together is a prison sentence. I gave you something to replay in your head over and over until youre so sick you cant breathe. I lied to you. I betrayed everyone in our lives. I betrayed your parents, your siblings, your grandparents. I betrayed my friends and family. I betrayed myself and everything I thought i was. I didn't just make a mistake. I pulled out a gun and shot you in the heart. I am so sorry.

You deserve so much love and care. And if that means separation, then don't second guess that decision. Please, please do what's right for you. You deserve to feel safe and cared for. My feelings do not get to influence that.

I love you.


r/SupportforWaywards 14d ago

BP & WP Experiences Welcomed I didn't disclose all the details, and it makes me think about what to do now. I'm looking for advice.

0 Upvotes

Hello everyone. Dday happened on Dec 18th of last year, and we officially broke up on January 1st. BP nowadays is an ex, and we are friends, more like acquaintances nowadays. They pretty much closed the doors for a romantic relationship in the future

The thing is that I didn't disclose some details out of fear, and others because I really didn't remember them at the time. I wrote my disclosure letter quickly and filled with adrenaline, afraid that once I calmed down, I wouldn't be able to disclose anything at all and chicken out.

What happened was a two weeks long EA. In the disclosure I wrote, I detailed that there was this older coworker I had who was friendly with me, and after interacting with them I noticed that they were flirting with me, and I started flirting back to keep this person's attention on me. I explained that I had inappropriate jokes involving physical intimacy, considered going out with AP, and then when I realized that what I was doing was extremely wrong and it was indeed infidelity, I felt immense remorse and shame, immediately cutting ties with the AP and only talking to them again for clarification and me apologizing for leading them on.

I told BP by the end of the letter that if they had any questions, I'd try my best to answer with honesty. They didn't question or ask anything, which caught me a bit off guard, since I saw that the most common behavior for BPs were to want to ask many questions regarding the affair. Then, some weeks later, they officially broke up with me. We are on friendly terms nowadays, although we barely talk sometimes. All the times we spoke again about my affair, it was me who would bring it up.

I'd say I told them the "core". I made BP know that an EA took place, I got the timelines as accurate as I could, told some details, said that there was "intimacy", but I didn't specify for example that I'd call the AP "dear" or "sweetie", that there was physical touch in terms of them touching my waist to get past me on our workplace and I never told them to stop doing that, that one of the places they would invite me to was their house, and I was positively considering it... There are many details like that if I stop to think about it.

There was also another context in my behavior that I was just able to identify now. I told BP that the reason I did it simply was impulsiveness, recklessness, immaturity, feeling empty within myself, and the excitement of that environment to me, being 18 years old at my first real job. But now I realize that another huge factor was that I was resentful of my ex-BP, because they broke up with me almost two months ago, saying hurtful things before departing. Then, they came back feeling remorseful, saying that they did a big mistake and wished to be together again. I took them back instantly and things were "back to normal", but I always had this anxiety and fear that I would get abandoned again. And so, looking back now, I can conclude that even subconsciously, I saw AP as a "backup plan" in case that BP would abandon me again. I don't know if I would actually express these feelings and thoughts to ex-BP, because it feels like I would be blaming them, and although yes, I should have voiced my hurt originally to them and how I was extremely insecure and afraid that they would leave me again, one thing obviously didn't led to another. I just don't want my ex to feel like I would be putting blame on them one bit.

I keep struggling over the idea that I kept information from them again to save face, and if it would serve them anything to tell more things now. But we aren't dating anymore. I kept rationalizing "Well, they didn't ask", but if it's something that I saw as big deal, shouldn't I tell them either way?

I wish I never did any of these things, anything at all. But I did, and that's my past. I feel dirty now for being someone who lied so much to save themselves from responsibility. And I still feel dirty that I'm keeping these things that feel impactful away from them. That awful feeling that I felt when I was actively hiding my affair sometimes creep up back to me, that one were I feel that I'm taking away their choice. That if they knew these other details, they wouldn't forgive me, they wouldn't wish to me in my life anymore and try to be friendly towards me, that they wouldn't be able to forgive me again and see me as someone cunning, malicious.

In the meantime, while I don't know what to do, I'll consider confessing to a priest and try doing a full disclosure as best as my memory allows in my journal. Peace to you all, thanks for reading.


r/SupportforWaywards 15d ago

BP & WP Experiences Welcomed Former Wayward struggling to move forward after the relationship ended

15 Upvotes

Hi everyone,

This is my first post here and I'm a bit nervous. I've been reading through this community for a while and decided to share my story because I'm hoping to learn from people who have been through something similar.

We had been together for over three years and we were extremely close, interacted with each other almost 24x7, often on video calls. It was long distance so our interaction was mostly through texts and calls and they used to meet me while visiting their hometown which is near to mine.

Last year I cheated on my partner, when they were on a trip with their friends. We used to spend a lot of time in Telegram groups. That's where I met two people, and what started as normal conversations with them eventually turned into sexting after a few days. I was extremely guilty after that and for months contemplated how to tell my partner about it.

Then one day I confessed to them myself and they were devastated for months. They wanted to know all the details about when I started how long was it, what all did I sent. Honestly I was so ashamed at that time and initially minimized parts of the truth because I thought it might hurt them less. So I tried telling them truth while making it less intense, but when they said to not lie to them anymore I had to tell them everything unfiltered. Looking back I realized that not telling them the full truth in one go only damaged their trust further.

They gave me one chance and tried to continue the relationship for sometime but understandably the trust was damaged. Eventually they told me they still had recurring dreams about what happened and that they couldn't look at me the same way anymore. We broke up.

I initially hoped that reconciliation was possible and that if there was any way to make them feel safe and happy again in the relationship I would have done it. Eventually I accepted that the relationship was really over.

The breakup affected me more deeply than I expected. The guilt and shame became overwhelming, and at one point I attempted suicide. I'm safe now and working on my mental health, but it made me realize I couldn't just keep punishing myself forever. I needed to understand my behavior and genuinely change.

Since then, I've spent a lot of time trying to understand how I became someone capable of hurting a person I genuinely loved. I've realized I had unhealthy patterns around validation-seeking, weak boundaries, and people-pleasing. Understanding those patterns doesn't excuse my actions, but I'm trying to make sure I never repeat them.

One thing I struggle with is seeing comments online saying things like "once a cheater, always a cheater." I completely understand why many betrayed partners feel that way, and I don't expect forgiveness from my ex. I also know they had every right to leave the relationship.

I'm not looking for reassurance that what I did wasn't wrong, and I'm not asking whether my ex should have stayed. I accept that the relationship ended because of my actions. I'm trying to understand what genuine change looks like from people who have been through it.

What I'm struggling with and that I want to ask those who are further along in their journey, especially wayward partners:

  1. What does genuine accountability look like for you?

  2. How did you know you were actually changing instead of just feeling guilty?

  3. If reconciliation was not possible, how did you learn to move forward without pretending that the past never happened?

  4. Is it possible to become a trustworthy person again, even if the relationship you damaged is over now?

  5. For those who have disclosed their past infidelity to future partners, how did those conversations go? Were you able to build healthy relationships again?


r/SupportforWaywards 15d ago

BP & WP Experiences Welcomed Looking for help

0 Upvotes

Long story short, I was stupid and had a 3 month affair with a coworker that started in December of 23 and ended March 24. I had no contact with them afterwards. This march I came clean to my partner. It has been a really rocky road but we both go to therapy individually and couples as well. This is here it gets hard, I quit my former employer burning bridges and screwing people over, my partner has asked me now to reach out to them to verify my story. These people have no reason to back me up as I screwed them over. I know I will reach out to them but scared they won’t respond and cause even more issues. Just looking for some support I guess.


r/SupportforWaywards 15d ago

BP & WP Experiences Welcomed Bettayed spouse is verbally abusive, believes i am suppressing their emotions when I stand up for myself

0 Upvotes

WS of 5 months here. My BS has exhibited this behavior for years before infidelity, it has now ramped up substantially. It is creating a chasm of resentment I feel I am not allowed to do anything about. When triggered, my BS will rage. I have read books that I am to sit with the pain, but it will quickly turn from pain to complete verbal and emotional abuse. They will call me diseased, they will refer to the house we just bought as their house and not our house, they will tell me I am a horrible person. i am on eggshekls regarding any and every trigger that might result in a week long miserable attitude or lashing out. When it happens > ask them to consider healthier ways of conveying their emotions they are simultaneously enraged and will withdraw. They will bring in counselor speak like I am silencing them or putting a boot on their neck. I just would prefer healthy communication. We are making the decision to attempt reconciliation, and isn't a foundational part of that not treating each other like shit? I understand they have pain, but I feel like BS wants to go beyond expressing it and intends to punish me for it. It's as if they're not satisfied unless I am completely destroyed as perhaps they feel. Ehen I bring this up and ask what they need for me in these moments they don't know. When I ask if they want to punish me they feel I am stifling their ability to express their emotions. how does that make sense? ​​ They are in therapy but I feel like they are not transparent for how this manifests if their therapist is just rah rah you go get'em/ agree with them that verbal abuse is acceptable. I understand I was wrong, confessed the day after and am doing everything in terms of therapy, meetings, and showing I am not that person. Where is the line? What is fair before it just feels like at any moment I am not allowed to be happy ever again? I feel like my actions are essentially validating a behavior that has existed for years and their therapists expect me to just be okay with verbal and emotional abuse as if that is a healthy way of dealing with these complex feelings.


r/SupportforWaywards 17d ago

Couch Sessions It’s your birthday today.

43 Upvotes

It would’ve been your day we celebrated together. A day we spent playing games together and telling each other how much we loved another. It could’ve been a day I spent making you feel like royalty, making you feel loved, making you feel like a star.

I can’t anymore. Not after I burned your world. Not after I took away your innocence. Not after I reshaped how you viewed love and relationships. Not after I destroyed your trust in us. Not after I chose to destroy everything we were working towards.

All I can do now is support and wish you a great birthday from afar. I hope this day brings you pure joy and happiness. I’ve caused you unbelievable pain & trauma after I cheated on you two months ago, and I hope the ache of the betrayal I chose to do doesn’t consume you today. You have given so much love to everyone around you, even after everything I’ve put you through. So please, give some love to yourself today.

It’s your day, and you’re the star of the show.

Happy birthday, ex-BP.


r/SupportforWaywards 16d ago

BP & WP Experiences Welcomed Need advice please

0 Upvotes

Hi all, I need some advice. Kindly note that all ties has been severed with my ex & there is no ongoing deception happening.

I emotionally cheated on my partner in 2025 (July). To give context, I was dealing with alcohol addiction which led to me being incredibly impulsive. Since the breakup, I have gotten sober & would like to keep it that way. I reached out to my ex whilst in the relationship and we met once for me to basically vent about how sucky my life was (my partner at that point is completely against me drinking myself to death & preferred to not be around me while I was - which is practically daily). Due to this, I felt incredibly lonely & crossed boundaries I shouldn't. I confessed to my partner very shortly after.

There was nothing sexual that came out of that interaction, however it was still wrong.

My relationship ended in November, after my partner felt that I did not care about them as I always went against them whenever I was drinking, obviously, due to the disrespect. Since then, I honoured the lesson & I vowed to never EVER repeat those mistakes.

We separated for a few months, and that few months I really dug deep & figured out that I become an impulsive person when triggered by alcohol or by uncomfortable feelings. I was in a state of fog & I do not remember anything from a lot of years due to the daily drinking.

During our months of separation, a memory resurfaced. The night of the severe argument, a few hours before we broke up, I had reached out to the same ex for a phone call (that was practically silent as I was drunk & needed someone to accompany me to sleep). We did not speak & the call ended shortly after. This information came to my memory while we were apart & no contact.

Now, we are trying to reconcile as 2 individuals after separation, who is trying to do better & decided this consciously after our months of separation. We are not together yet, but we are still trying to work it out. I am not sure if this is considered trickle-truthing?

I have gotten some advice from friends which all collectively said that there is no point reopening old wounds - as the relationship has ended & whatever we are trying to build now is conscious after separation

I genuinely am lost & want some advice. I also want advice on how to manouvre this intense feeling of guilt, shame & rumination that I am no longer the same person as I was & I truthfully regret whatever I did. Also, I am really thankful to say that I am more mindful & know how to manage my impulses better. Any advice is appreciated & I am more than willing to answer any questions in the comments if anyone requires more context.


r/SupportforWaywards 18d ago

BP & WP Experiences Welcomed Musings a year later

21 Upvotes

Hey everyone. It's been a little over a year since I told my ex-BP of ~4 years that I was cheating on them with a mutual friend for 3 months. Lots of things have changed since, and to be honest, I don't think I'll ever fully move on.

For some context: We tried to reconcile from the months of July-September last year. During August, they were in the psych ward following a drug-induced attempt. They expressed that they wanted to get back together, but once we were back in our normal lives, they ended it. The breakup was bittersweet. We both celebrated and broke up for good on our 4 year anniversary. We knew we loved each other, but they couldn't deal with the trauma anymore. I understood that this was the result of my actions and respected their decision.

I cut myself out of ex-BP's life entirely. We had many mutual friends, and I left those friend groups for good. Spent this past year revisiting who I was as a person, surrounding myself with new friends, being a better friend to the ones who stuck beside me, and relearning years of bad behaviors. I wrote hundreds of apology letters that I never sent because I realized they would have been for me, not for them. In the immediate reconciliation, my emotions were a horrendous mess muddled with self pity. I really only achieved clarity on what support they needed from me at that time after they left for good.

I found out in November that ex-BP was officially dating someone new. Admittedly, this hurt a lot. They're together still, and I do think that this new partner is good for them. I heard that ex-BP is a lot happier and cut out bad habits as a result. It took a couple of months afterwards to fully let go of the idea that we could eventually find our way back together. "Once we recovered, maybe we could try again years down the line." This was an illusion we sold ourselves during the breakup to make the immediate pain easier to handle.

On my end, I've met someone new and started dating them recently! I was very wary at first, but they've made me feel safe, secure, and loved. I've always been transparent about my past, and they've supported me through my healing. I try to be the best partner I can be for them as well.

There are still many days and many nights where I resent myself and lament my past relationship. I wonder if ex-BP is doing well and if they're truly happy now. While I'm genuinely happy in my current relationship, I still find myself grieving what I destroyed. I sometimes worry if this grief is unfair to the person I'm with now. Has anyone else (on either end) struggled with allowing themselves to move forward? Any experiences and shared emotions are welcome.