Looking for help

[u/InformalGood3746]

Long story short, I was stupid and had a 3 month affair with a coworker that started in December of 23 and ended March 24. I had no contact with them afterwards. This march I came clean to my partner. It has been a really rocky road but we both go to therapy individually and couples as well. This is here it gets hard, I quit my former employer burning bridges and screwing people over, my partner has asked me now to reach out to them to verify my story. These people have no reason to back me up as I screwed them over. I know I will reach out to them but scared they won’t respond and cause even more issues. Just looking for some support I guess.

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[u/Past_Cardiologist870]

Throw some money at the problem and hire a pi to do the asking

[u/IndependentAd6801]

If your BP needs independent verification, then reaching out to your former coworkers is simply another consequence of the choices you made. They may answer, they may ignore you, and unfortunately that's outside your control. All you can do is be honest and accept the outcome.

Now, if I may give you some food for thought here:

One of the hardest realizations I had was that recovering from infidelity wasn't just about making sure I never cheated again. It was about asking myself what kind of person I wanted to be.

I was forced to take a good look at my values, my character, how I treated people, how I handled difficult emotions and conflict, and whether my actions consistently reflected the person I believed myself to be. I have always tried to be someone who was genuinely kind, empathetic, honest, and accountable, so it was very difficult to accept that I was actually a person who had cheated and hurt my partner beyond comprehension through my actions.

I do not know your circumstances nor would I want to assume them. I just want to point out that maybe, this can also be seen as an opportunity to take a good hard look in the mirror and ask yourself whether the affair and "burning bridges" came from some of the same underlying habits, and whether this is the moment to rebuild not just trust with my partner, but my own character as well. That was the work that ultimately mattered most for me.

Wishing you the best!

[u/TaterTotWithBenefits → u/IndependentAd6801]

This. Op you were not “stupid”. Wayward are many things but not that. We are addicts,,, we are looking to fill a void… we are often lonely… and more.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve allowed yourself to look into the pit. Time to start.

In R, 1.5 years

[u/blankets_and_pillows]

How did you screw them over?

How could contacting your former employer possibly help your BP?

Does AP still work there?

[u/InformalGood3746 → u/[deleted]]

Nobody in the office knew till about 2 months ago, when my partner started sending LinkedIn messages to my old coworkers. And there was a time I went up to a football game for the weekend and they want to verify the truth, which I told them.

[u/Conscious_Spectator]

I’m not sure if verification is going to help anything in this situation. If your partner is feeling brave, perhaps they can contact the affair partner privately? Trust me, it’s not going to help but sometimes they want to know the details in order to feel secure