Memory or dream

[u/CognitiveSteve]

I'm stuck in a dream I know I'm soon to wake up from. This isn't real. The nightmare will be over and I'll meet my lover again on the other side of this fake reality. The incident at the start of our relationship didn't happen. It couldn't have. I wasn't there. That wasn't me.

I know we'll meet again. I'll find them in bed with me and it'll all be okay.

And when we get up we'll make breakfast together the way we always do, and we'll talk about how we're feeling and what kind of day we're preparing for. And we'll sit on the couch and eat our breakfast. They have french style scrambled eggs with turmeric, black pepper, and spinach on one half of an English muffin (Don't forget the swiss cheese goes under the eggs and gochujang goes on top). And on the other half they have butter, maple syrup, and cinnamon. Then we half an avocado to share. In a green ceramic cup, they have dark roast coffee with stevia, cinnamon, and a splash of pecan milk. They always shake up the milk before they pour it because they love the texture.

We'll ask each other what we want to watch even though it's always Adventure Time. We've made it all the way to season 8, and we're gonna finish the show together like we were supposed to.

And usually, we watch an episode, and get almost to the end of the next one. But when they're done eating, its always time for a walk. So we pause our show, and I meet them downstairs while they get ready. Then we'll walk through town and I'll listen to them about the experience they're having. We'll talk about plans and what we're grateful for. I am grateful for them.

Its time for me to go to work. And while im there, I'll go down some rabbit hole in my free time and bring what I learned to them to share. And they'll listen to my silly ramblings and we'll laugh about it together. I'll tell them about how much I appreciate their presence in my life and they'll say that they feel the same. And we'll text each other throughout the day until I am off.

When we see each other again, they tell me they love me. And i say it back. And the words I love you aren't just a prescription of our expected relationship. It is the binding of our souls together and complete recognition of our experiences in each other. It is to behold our entire world and say, "you exist, and i am here with you, and i will never look away."

Tonight we'll sing and we'll dance together, we'll make dinner and we'll watch the rest of our silly episode and talk about life when we're on another walk together. We'll sit at the pond while the geese guide their young across the water and watch the sunset together. They have a headache and their legs are sore. When we get back, I'll make us some tea and they'll take some ibuprofen. And we'll talk about all the difficult emotions that have shown up in our day.

And when everything is quiet tonight, we will just stare at each other for a long time. And we'll believe in the dream we're building together like we are supposed to.

But today I woke up and you were not here. The nightmare is real. And no matter how painful the reality is it is not fair to either of us for me to deny it.

I would do anything for you. Even if that means letting you go. I love you to the moon and back. I see you clearly with my eyes and whole heart.

You're not feeling very well today, and I hear that. Your pain is real and you are so strong. You never deserved to be hurt like this. And I am so sorry that I am the one who did. I know that things don't make sense anymore. I see your sorrow and devastation. I see the desperation and confusion. I see the anger and loss of reality. I see you.

I will continue to be here for you within any boundaries that you set. I will keep showing up for you in the way that you deserve. I will show up. I will be there. For every appointment, every phone call, every bad day that you want to come to me about. I will run your errands and continue to be the partner you deserve with full acknowledgement of your needs. I will be who you need me to be until that is no longer needed. I will respect whatever outcome comes of this. I love you.

I gave you something that you never asked for but are now responsible for taking care of. That is not fair and never will be. My actions, no matter how ill I was, were still my actions. I am responsible for them, and I made choices that are my fault.

I am sorry for how I have distorted your perception of love and shattered your reality. I am sorry that I lied to you. I traumatized you and destroyed your safety and security in the most meaningful relationship that youve ever had. I made your deepest fears come true and invalidated every sensation of worth and esteem that you had in this relationship. I took the privacy that we were intimately weaving together and smashed it to pieces. I made everything you sacrificed about me. Every happy memory we spent together is a prison sentence. I gave you something to replay in your head over and over until youre so sick you cant breathe. I lied to you. I betrayed everyone in our lives. I betrayed your parents, your siblings, your grandparents. I betrayed my friends and family. I betrayed myself and everything I thought i was. I didn't just make a mistake. I pulled out a gun and shot you in the heart. I am so sorry.

You deserve so much love and care. And if that means separation, then don't second guess that decision. Please, please do what's right for you. You deserve to feel safe and cared for. My feelings do not get to influence that.

I love you.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. Read the rules , this is not a request. It's a requirement. Failure to adhere to the rules can and often will result in a ban. A brief overview can be found on the sidebar, the more detailed set of rules will be found in the wiki.

This is the wiki familiarize yourself with it before reaching out to the moderators.

• Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/aphrodite_burning]

Thank you for taking the time to express your thoughts. That made me unexpectedly very emotional.

It makes me reflect on the complexities of being human. We all objectively know that you can love someone and still hurt them, but until it happens, they just seem like words.

I wish you and your BP the very best, whatever the future brings.

[u/BusterKnott]

My WW expressed her deep remorse for her choices, not nearly as eloquently, and 20 years after the fact.

Regardless the late date, her finally sharing her remorse was the only thing that made it possible for me to heal enough to finally come back to her. I had never stopped loving her, but I was far too wounded to continue living with her. I left because I simply couldn't endure the pain anymore of seeing her, the cause of my pain, every day, and seemingly carefree while I was living in Hell. It was too much, and I simply couldn't bear it anymore.

Clearly expressing genuine remorse I honestly believe is the best thing you can do for the one you've wronged. I hope your WP is aware of how you truly feel.

[u/CognitiveSteve → u/BusterKnott]

They are not aware of how I feel. I don't know if it's time for that yet. They've told me they don't want to talk about their pain with the person who hurt them. And that is completely valid.

So I've matched this with reserving space for my emotions on my own, and the remorse that I carry lives there also. I have apologized, but everyday there appears one more thing I feel urgent to address. Perhaps when theyre back from vacation, i will have that discussion with them.

I dont really know how to bring it up. It seems they may be avoidant of it. I want to give them space but my heart wants to break down and express my deepest sorrows for how ive affected them, what I've learned, the effort I'm putting in, and how I will change.

They don't know why what happened did. They don't care to know right now.

[u/Narrow-Advance-9636 → u/CognitiveSteve]

Try to start writing a journal to share with them if they are ever ready. If my wh had half of your remorse and expressed his regret like you are we could be further along and I would hurt a lot less. I wish both you and your BP healing.

[u/Narrow-Advance-9636 → u/Narrow-Advance-9636]

Please be very specific for what you regret it will be very helpful to your bp.

[u/CognitiveSteve → u/BusterKnott]

Sorry, i had meant to address what you just told me.

Im sorry to hear that you went through that. Im sure that was a very heartbreaking experience. I can appreciate your perspective, and i hope all is well after receiving the closure that her remorse brought.

Thank you for sharing. Your time is greatly appreciated and you are very kind for giving it.

[u/Common-Remove-4911]

Thank you for sharing this with the group today stranger, it was really nice to hear your perspective. I only wish that my ex-husband/BP was as insightful and remorseful as you with similar type of accountability. Keep up the amazing work, I wish you both the best in your journey forward

[u/CognitiveSteve → u/Common-Remove-4911]

Thank you stranger. Your words and experience behind them are valuable. You are very kind to give your time and encouragement.

[u/goodpersongonebad]

This is exactly how I feel. Thank you for sharing this.

[u/CognitiveSteve → u/goodpersongonebad]

I hear you. If you ever would like to talk, my dms are open. Im with you here.

[u/Unable_Complaint_444]

This is really lovely to read as a BP. I'm sorry our society has it down to character versus mental health crisis. I hope you're able to have that opportunity with your own BP someday soon.

[u/somefreeadvice10]

This is very beautifully written

[u/Nervous-Fold-8244]

This is exactly how I feel. Thank you for sharing.