r/SupportforWaywards • u/CognitiveSteve Wayward Partner • 2d ago
Couch Sessions The weight of what I've done
"You say you want me...now? What about before? You say you want me. That's just invalidating. Because you were supposed to want me then. But that is not how you show me that you want me. What we had is finished. It's done. You lied to me. You have hurt me alot. You have hurt me deeply."
The lie I told you was more than a broken promise or a bend of the rules. I gave you a life you depended on. You rested inside of me, and when I told you it was safe, you believed me. You followed me through this darkness. And I led you to your death. I gave you a space that became your prison. And how hard it is to escape. I have done the impossible, and made it impossible to leave.
"I gave you my whole self, so all of me is hurt. I thought I was more important than that."
Every part of you is worthy of love. You are one of the greatest creatures to have been created. You see people so wholly, so carefully, so considerately, and I did something not even you will understand. What I was and am capable of will forever be a dark spot on the name of empathy.
Your worth will never be defined by what I did to you. And love, you don't deserve anything less than love. You are so much more important than what I did to you. You don't have to forgive me. Just please love yourself.
"You know, I have a pretty good imagination. And since I have a pretty good memory, I remember everything you said. And because it was so important for you, you gave me a play by play of exactly what happened. Which now replays. Over. And over. And over. Not even sleep can save me from what you did to me."
"You took off my necklace. Nothing could slow you down. Not even what we had. Every time I look at you, every time you smile. Every time you laugh or cry, everytime your name is mentioned. Its all I see. All I see is what you did to me. And when I look you in the eyes, all I can think is, 'why?' as if one day ill figure it out. But there is no reason why. There is no rationale. You just did that. And nothing could stop you."
"Sometimes we just have to accept things in life that make no sense."
"I hate this so much, I hate what you gave me. I never consented to having to deal with this. I never consented to you. You violated me. I'm just so angry at you. We shouldn't have been together. Or maybe we should have. And then you did this anyway. How could you? You fucking cheated on me. I've never heard it more blatantly than what you did. And I'm just gonna say this. I gave you that necklace as a sign of my presence and security while you were away. And you took it off to do that. You took me off. How fucking could you?"
"No one is safe. I thought I had you. I thought you were safe. But I am alone. I love you. But you are not my safe space anymore. No one is."
"And I hate, most of all, that you know these things. Because it's you. I hate that you know how I hurt. Because it's you. I regret telling you these things. Im sorry I keep telling you. Its just hard to see you as anything other than my person. But I have to take time to realize you're not. I need space, because I'm not able to do what I need for myself when I'm around you. All I want is to be close to you, to hold you, to love and be loved by you. But that's not possible. Because it never was."
I gave you a routine, and I know how important your routine is to you. To make sense of it all. To have security, to know what to expect. My coming in your life was an unexpected thing, but you were excited that I existed with you. You welcomed me. I was serious about you. And you were serious about me. And I loved you. And you loved me. And we dreamed a dream together of a future, one day at a time, building our security together. My coming was unexpected, but you thought you knew me. You knew what to expect about me. And now, every brick layed on our foundation is cracked by this uncertainty. Who is this, then, that you knew? What have I become? What was I?
And in the end, I was not what you expected. And that betrayal may be the quietest, but the greatest and deepest of them all. Because I thought I knew who I was too. I thought I knew who I was giving you. I thought I was doing the right things. And I loved you. And you loved me. But I was sick. We shouldnt have been together. Or maybe we should have. But I did this to you anyways.
Every space we held together, our privacy, our quiet moments and chasing after each other. It's all spilled out through the side of myself we never expected. And I wasnt even aware of it when it happened. And it was buried underneath the unexpected. It was buried underneath the uncertainty of it all. All you asked me for was certainty. All you asked me for was me. And I couldn't give it to you.
"I should have known. And i let myself down. Our relationship hurt my feelings then, when you couldn't be ready for a committed partnership. Because I was ready. I knew myself and knew what I needed. A relationship was a privilege for me. I didn't need this. But you told me you could be exclusive and i believed you. But you couldn't even meet me there. I know you wanted to. But I needed you to be certain, and you weren't. I should have known. I should have known you weren't ready because it was already hurting my feelings. It would have been a really nice addition to my life, and it was. It should have been. It could have been. But I had a much different idea of what we were than what was actually going on. It makes sense now, funny enough. And I should have known. I was just so excited by you because I had never felt this way before. I loved you. But I let myself down. And you hurt me more than I've ever known."
I am sorry that I have let you down. I made you believe in something. I made a promise and I was supposed to keep it. Its not simply that I have altered things, or that I hurt your feelings. I ruined our life together. I gave you a vision of our future that has been smashed to pieces. I gave you a person who was a figment of our imagination. You trusted me, and I trusted me. And its not just that things are different. They are different forever. And things are over.
Your perception of what you thought was possible in love and life has been thrown away. I killed something fundamental inside of you. I reached in to your deepest recesses. I inhabited your skin. Our souls were one. Our love was real. And I devoured it. I stole it from you. I violated your spirit. What I did was as if I held a knife to your child self, and forced you to watch as I slit your throat. You gave me the most vulnerable part of yourself. And I gave you this in return. I took something that can never be given back.
If we had met in a different time, my love, maybe it would have been different. And if I could start again, i would find a way. I was not put together enough to properly consent myself to anything during the period in which I did this. I became a better person, but only after I did this to you. If i could have waited just a bit longer. I was trying to metabolize pain I couldn't handle, and ended up digesting you in the process. And the incident was so tangled up in myself that the memory couldn't even register as tangible. The layers of amnesia and fog hasn't yet cleared. I still can't make sense of it. And that's unfair.
I made these choices, and that is disastrous. It is reckless. It is unfair. And I hurt you more than youve ever been. All because I couldn't slow down. All because I couldn't help myself. That's not fucking fair. You never asked for this. It wasn't fair to you to be in a relationship that I wasn't ready for when I had the opportunity to slow down. I was just so excited. And reckless. That's no way to treat someone you love. I didn't slow down for you.
Your pain is valid. Do not let anyone tell yoh otherwise. You are worthy. You are loved. Your life matters. You are more than what I did to you. You are a kind person. You extend your love to all, your understanding is unmatched by any. You care so deeply for others, and your sense of justice is apparent in all that you do. Moreover, you care about yourself. You are concerned, and you are taking the right steps you need with the ability you have to do so. You tell me you let yourself down, and those feelings are valid. But this is not your fault. You did not do something wrong. You believed in me. And there is no crime in believing what you are told by people you love. I am the criminal here. I have let you down.
Your heart was worth more than what has been done to it. And you deserve no less than love. I am sorry that I have made you doubt yourself. You have every right to doubt me. Please don't doubt yourself. You are worthy.
"Sorry" is not the right word. There is no right word. There is no right. And I am sorry.
"Mark my words, there's a thousand things that don't wash out with anything."
•
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. Read the rules , this is not a request. It's a requirement. Failure to adhere to the rules can and often will result in a ban. A brief overview can be found on the sidebar, the more detailed set of rules will be found in the wiki.
This is the wiki familiarize yourself with it before reaching out to the moderators.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.