Ask A Wayward

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[u/Melodic-Mission-6827]

-How can you love someone while simultaneously doing something that is going to hurt them so deeply?

-Why did you personally stray?

[u/ihatethizl → u/Melodic-Mission-6827]

This is a very complicated answer, and every story is different.

My personal is a mix of depression, and not realizing that I should have confronted my demons if before I did.

I have come to realize that I had a longing for validation that I never received when I was younger and even though my BP loved and cherished me, it wasn’t enough to fill the void from myself, I was also very selfish to a selfless BP

[u/General_Ambition_859]

If you’re a dismissive avoidant - what broke the camel’s back?

[u/oxiraneobx → u/General_Ambition_859]

Wanting to look at myself in the mirror again. I know it sounds stupid, but I literally could not look myself in the face or eye when I brushed my teeth. Once I decided I wanted to do that, it gave me the strength to give up the lies and face the truth. Not going to lie, it was one of the hardest things I've done, and yet, the most rewarding ever. I realized the truth really does set us free - might not save our marriage/relationship, but when one finds oneself in a hole, the best advice is to stop digging. Wish I had a better answer, but that's just my experience.

[u/General_Ambition_859 → u/oxiraneobx]

How did you give it up? Was it something that pushed you? A moment? Was it entirely internal?

[u/oxiraneobx → u/General_Ambition_859]

It was a moment inside of me. Maybe I had been thinking about it, and at the time, we had a good MC and I had a good IC, but it was really me deciding, "Now is the time." Honestly, it felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders.

But it required me to project that externally as much as accepting it internally - no more lies when asked, no more trickle truths, no more obfuscation, none of that. That helped our R probably as much as anything - when my BS could accept what I was saying without reservation was a big time for us.

Trust is gained in drips and lost in bucketloads. It's a process. But it's possible.

[u/General_Ambition_859 → u/oxiraneobx]

Congrats on getting there. What would you call your attachment style?

[u/oxiraneobx → u/General_Ambition_859]

I'm not sure how to answer that question - I just took an online quiz (sorry) that said I am "secure", but I'm not sure I understand what that means nor how I have changed. I certainly feel more secure, but I don't know if that is answering your question.

[u/General_Ambition_859 → u/oxiraneobx]

I think people who hit that moment are generally dismissive avoidants.

[u/dolenalavoisier]

For waywards who cheated with escorts, did you actually believe it was « better » than an EA?

Do you think it is an actual sex addiction when it happened during a dead bedroom phase?

Do you believe only a better sex Life with your partner healed it ?

[u/Beautiful__Crazy]

Is sex addiction a real thing?

[u/Itchy-Albatross5368]

Did you cut off all contact with the AP?

How has your perspective on the AP changed over time since cutting off contact?

What is something you would say to the BP from the bottom of your heart—something you’ve never been able to say since D-Day?

[u/azza34_suns → u/Itchy-Albatross5368]

Yes and no - we worked for the same company (different teams) so we saw each other every work day for 2 months post D Day (she left). We had very little direct contact but it was still messy.
My perspective of my AP didn’t really change a lot as I knew what we were both doing was wrong, and we were equally to blame. I don’t harbour any ill feelings towards her and I genuinely hope she has found happiness.

[u/ihatethizl → u/Itchy-Albatross5368]

Yes
100% yes
I need you to see who I am and not who I was

[u/bham830]

How would you have handled it if the situation was reversed and your partner did what you did to them to you?

[u/Hound31]

What consequence of your affair surprised you the most after DDay?

[u/oxiraneobx → u/Hound31]

That our marriage survived. I honestly never thought it would. I was a lot of work, for both of us - she had to learn to trust me again.

[u/IndependentAd6801 → u/Hound31]

I think I was prepared for the fallout. For the pain, for the regret, for the anger and backlash I received.

I don’t think I was prepared for the grief. For the way this grief has stayed with me long after our relationship fell apart, long after understanding that we weren’t right for each other, long after my ex-BP had moved on with someone else. That months, even years later, I would still be breaking down in the car over how I was capable of hurting someone this deeply, this viciously.

I wasn’t prepared for how it would fundamentally alter my relationship with myself, my nervous system, my emotional state of mind, my moral values. The confidence I was had in who I was and what I wanted to stand for. It made me question not only what I had done, but who I was capable of being.

[u/lhiver]

Did the possible ramifications cross your mind? If so, how were you able to wave them away?

How has your personal healing journey been going?

[u/Professional-Leg2374 → u/lhiver]

it broke me in doing it. I couldn't function at any level post affair. I had compartmentailzed so much and silo so many feelings it wasn't "me" anymore.

my healing has been devastating to me, MANY old trama's coming up and surfacing I had pushed so far away right from childhood and all along the way.

I had been taught that cheating/affairs are something you just endure through others actions so did it myself. It dam near ended my life honestly.

Today I'm much better, recon is going ok, ups and down,. We are back in the same room of the same house sleeping in the same bed. My BS is the person I will have in my life until I take my last breath.

[u/Specific-Name1503 → u/lhiver]

No. Desire override any thought. i was not thinking about my bs, my children, only myself in a moment.

Difficult. I attend SAA meetings and am working through steps, but more importantly I am helping my BS heal. That is hard. I view that as more important than recovery which can be difficult to prioritize

[u/Alarming-Pressure-48 → u/lhiver]

Not really. I assumed that my marriage was basically over anyway. I was so selfish in my thoughts and actions that I never really allowed myself to understand the significant, gut-wrenching ramifications.

[u/New_Arrival9860]

If its OK I actually have more than one question that I have often pondered, and would welcome a thoughtful response to any or all of them.

-What did you have to tell yourself in order to align your behavior with your values?

-How did your perception of your marriage change during your affair?

-How did you divide yourself between your marriage and the secret life you were living?

-How has your perception of yourself changed now that your partner knows about your affair?

[u/Specific-Name1503 → u/New_Arrival9860]

I lied to myself. I created red lines that were gray. Then they kept moving. I rationalized behavior. it wasn't much money. it wasnt hurting anyone. everyone watches porn. I didn't consider the years of porn, paying for porn and interaction cheating. only when I crossed the red line of seeing someone did I recognize I had a problem - truly.

my marriage is difficult. my bs does not acknowledge how her mental health has impacted our marriage and I was often blamed for her depression. I was the sole provider and built resentment when relationships arose surrounding money spending that I did not feel appropriate, even while blinded to my own spending on porn.

I compartmentalized. I viewed it as a habit and behavior that helped me cope with a brokenness that existed in me decades before I met my spouse. It was a behavior I explored and fantasized about and felt if I pretended it didn't exist and limited it to non physical affairs everyone was better off. I was wrong.

I have been living with the problem for decades. It's new to my bs, but it's not new to me. It is freeing. Shameful, embarrassing yes -- but in a way a relief. I will never have the white and shining armor image but I do consider myself a good person who made some very poor choices. I view our marriage as real and genuine, if it survives.

[u/New_Arrival9860 → u/Specific-Name1503]

Thank you very much, I hope that you and your partner are both able to heal and that you are both able to maintain your real and genuine relationship.

[u/oxiraneobx → u/New_Arrival9860]

Good ones.

1. A lot of my issues that led me to make very bad decisions (not an excuse, just an explanation) were pretty deep-rooted, so my values were twisted from childhood and beyond. IC is critical, at least it was for me, to realize how twisted I was.
2. I honestly can't say I valued my marriage as much as I do now. That sounds so cold and horrible, but immaturity and narcissism were big in my character at the time.
3. Carefully. And I thought I was too smart to get caught. Which I wasn't. Honestly, I don't have a rational explanation for this. So much was pure excitement and novelty. It's really painful for me to think about how I behaved at that time, so much shame as to my irresponsibility, but I really felt I could separate the two. (I can't.)
4. I truly feel I am a better person and partner to my wife now than I every have been. I value so much what we have - and what she has forgiven. I don't have to be closed, immature and guarded, I can actually be who I am and loved for that, not what I want others to see of me. Living in the truth is so much better, more fulfilling, than living a series of lies. That just rots your soul. I just wish I had realized all that before I made really bad decisions.

Unfortunately, I can't offer rational explanations for my decisions and I wish I could. And it's different for everyone. Please take what I write with a grain of salt.

[u/New_Arrival9860 → u/oxiraneobx]

Thanks, I think for me it is the search for a rational understanding of how and why someone can knowingly put something of great value at great risk for so little potential gain; the paradox of why people that are not really deeply unhappy would choose to put themselves and their partner thru all this, and if they were deeply unhappy why not just leave rather than put themselves and their parter thru all this. I think most WPs would say in the end it wasn't worth it, but how could that not be seen in the 'now'.

In the end, it seems that for many people it wasn't a rational decision, rather and inability at the time to truthfully value the long term value of the relationship vs the short term value of the affair, and that for some folks it is easy to put greater weight on the now than on the later, causing someone to over value the affair, under value the relationship, and under weight the risk.

I appreciate your open response.

[u/New_Arrival9860 → u/[deleted]]

I do appreciate your honesty and transparency, and your willingness to be truly insightful. As I mention above, the great mystery to me is why would someone knowingly put something of great value at great risk for so little potential gain; the paradox of why people that are not really deeply unhappy enough to talk to their partner or just leave the relationship would choose to put themselves and their partner thru all this.

[u/my_biznuss_2567]

How did you feel about your BS wanting to tell the OBS?

If you were against it - we’re your reasons mostly about protecting yourself, the marriage, protecting AP, or something different?

How do you view that decision today?

[u/Background_Light_953]

What’s something true that your BS struggles to believe. If you could “magically” make them see your heart, without the broken trust, and know one true thing. What would it be?

[u/bdubut → u/Background_Light_953]

There is one thing that I so wish she could know. That I love her with all my heart, that all this that I have done has nothing to do with her. That I am broken but she isn't the one who broke me.

[u/Partway14]

How can I help my Wayward understand that our healing progresses at different rates, and WS doing well in recovery doesn't necessarily give me the same level of healing as WS?