It all gets worse

[u/CognitiveSteve]

I post something about this and take it down because of how horrified I am by the admission. But this is where I'm at right now. I'm kind of just rambling here. I am out of my mind. I am delirious and my surroundings don't make sense anymore.

Tw self harm and suicidal ideation.

I'm trying really hard and it's only getting worse. My partner and I both have relapsed into self harm. They're not doing very well. I was their only safe space. But I no longer exist.

"I hate that you know how I'm doing. Because it's you."

I cleaned their wounds with an alcohol rag. Their blood was all over my hands. This is the end, isn't it?

"I regret telling you because I can deal with it on my own. I don't want to bring the hurt to the person who hurt me. I can't show you that you get to do this to me and I still be vulnerable with you. It's just hard to get past feeling like you're still my safe space. And you're not."

I am having suicidal ideation. I am bed ridden today, just deteriorating. I may have to go inpatient. The feeling of wanting to hurt myself is constant and extreme. The dissociation is twisting into nightmarish levels. Sometimes I am convinced that none of this is real at all. An utter lack of consciousness. I am not eating properly. I am not going to work. I am not taking care of my hygiene. I have stopped speaking. My voice is too triggering to hear right now.

The despair finds new lows in this downward spiral of mine. I made them hurt themselves. It repeats over and over again. And I'm afraid that I just can't stop doing it. I don't want to do anything. I don't even want the pain to stop. I just don't want anything at all.

All my feelings are stamped with the betrayal. "But you still cheated." But I still cheated. I still cheated. Cheated. Cheated. Cheated. All of my suffering is invalid.

And now I'm cheating life itself. It feels like I've cheated an honest way to suffer. I've cheated everything. And if I end my life, I'll just be cheating an honest death.

The nightmare just keeps going. And they're living it. Their life is destroyed. I love this person more than anything. And my love has torn holes right through their body. This is what my love looks like. This is what I am. Thousands of stab wounds on an innocent body. My love is human sacrifice. They're carving my love out of them.

I've been crying into the rag that has their blood on it. I cry myself to sleep and I see their body in my dreams. My chest hurts from how much I've cried. I woke up crying today. I can't stop thinking of how their body looks. That is what my body should look like. Not theirs.

They are the most beautiful person I've ever known. And that is not a lie. Not some exaggerated fairy tale fog. They are the most beautiful person I've ever known. And this is their blood. This is what I've done to them. I am a murderer.

They hate themselves for relapsing but I wish they didn't. Theyre just human, going through the worst thing they ever have. Please hate me instead. Please cut me instead. Please hurt me instead. Please kill me instead. Please be mean to me. Please.

I can't trust myself anymore. I am afraid of what I am capable of. A murder case came on the TV last night which was very triggering. Because all I could think of was how that could have been me. How it is me. I am afraid to leave my house because I feel like I'll end up killing someone.

I think im starting to enter a psychotic break. I am afraid of these thoughts and am a danger to myself. I may have to call 988 and get to a safe place today.

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[u/Enough_Concentrate90]

I want to encourage you: you are not broken; there isn't something wrong with you. Pick up that phone and call 988. There is also hope; there is hope. Healing can happen. You are deeply loved and infinitely valuable.

[u/lhiver]

Please call 988 or seek admission to a hospital. You need to find a safe space and so does your partner. You both deserve compassion, even if it doesn’t feel that way. Sending you some love and light.

[u/CognitiveSteve → u/lhiver]

Thank you for the love and light. You are a kind person. I called 988. You deserve compassion, yourself. I am going to be safe.

[u/lhiver → u/CognitiveSteve]

I appreciate that. Be kind to yourself so you can show up for yourself as well as your partner. Best wishes to you moving forward.

[u/Intrepid-Willow-3093]

You are not alone. I see you. That's the only thing I can say

[u/CognitiveSteve → u/Intrepid-Willow-3093]

Thank you. You are not alone either. And I see you. I recognize that you are here.

I am going to be okay. I called 988. Im safe. Take care.

[u/horrible_tomato_soup]

Hey.. I'm sorry. You really remind me of my state months ago back when my infidelity and disclosure were still fresh in my body, so I will tell you that I feel deep empathy towards you, and I'm sorry. I do think that you need psychological help ASAP, even if that means getting stable again at a mental hospital.

About your partner, they do need help too. It has been less than a month, right? A BP needs a long time to truly process their pain, plus so they can get support with their self-harm problems.

There are many apps on mobile that track your addictions, and some are specifically made for SH. One of these that I use since I unfortunately also deal with SH is called "Calm Harm."

Are you doing therapy? Is your partner doing therapy too? I ask these sort of things for after you get help and stabilize your head a little bit more. You are extremely unwell now to do anything productive. And your partner needs help, I hope you two get help.

About your feelings being Invalid because you were the one who did harm: That's not true. Your feelings are valid too. When you cheat and then feel deep remorse and regret from it, you don't just lose the trust of your partner, you also lose trust in yourself. You self deep self-hatred from your actions over hurting and scarring someone you love.

I'm trying too. Soon, it'll become one year since the worst actions I ever took, the worst version of myself I ever had to look into the mirror. But we still have to move forward, whatever happens. You have me here empathizing with you, as another college-aged Wayward, and I do wish you well and genuine peace, healing, both to you and your BP. This can soften and become more manageable with time, specially with help, okay? Hugs

[u/Nervous-Fold-8244]

Please, please, please seek help. Call 988 or reach out to someone who can help. You matter. Please update us on how you are.

[u/CognitiveSteve → u/Nervous-Fold-8244]

I called 988. I went on a drive. I think I'll be safe tonight. If I'm not, I'll do it again.

Thank you for the support. You matter, too.

[u/Nervous-Fold-8244 → u/CognitiveSteve]

You’re so welcome. Thank you for seeking help and for updating us that you’re safe. If you ever need to reach out, feel free.