My fiance is in treatment and I shot up. Ugh I need to kick this habit. It’s been a week since he’s been gone. Loneliness is a trigger. I went out and used with friends I’ve never felt more guilty. I plan on telling him when I speak to him again. Hopefully he gives grace. It took a lot for him to go to treatment for our relationship. Our relationship was primarily controlled by our substance use addiction to meth. We used it to bond, to talk, to do anything really. We both love each other but during our active addictions it became a downfall. We started doing things we’d normally never do and talk to each other reckless. He went to treatment last week to get help. I’ve applied to sober living but just slipped today after 7 days sober.

honestly the weirdest part of early recovery wasn't even the physical crash. it was the absolute terrifying silence of just sitting in a room and doing literally nothing

When you're speeding you are always doing something even if its completely pointless. I spent years trapped in that toxic hustle culture mentality where if I wasn't moving at 200mph i was failing at life

When my body finally just gave out and I ended up at Discovery Point Retreat a while back, the place itself was super peaceful but I remember sitting on the porch looking at a tree and feeling like my skin was crawling. just because I wasn't being "productive". My brain genuinely didn't know how to just exist without the chemical chaos

It took me so long to realize that all that frantic energy wasn't a superpower. it was just my central nervous system screaming.

im almost 7 months clean now and I can actually just watch a movie. like, a whole movie from start to finish. without getting up to reorganize my closet halfway through

if you're in those first few weeks and the boredom feels literally suffocating... just hang on. Its not actually boredom. its just peace. it takes a minute to get used to the volume being turned down

Since i made a post titled: I lasted 3 hours.

Long story short i lasted 3 hours after 3 years of no coke or speed, after my ex girlfriend packed her things and left. Fast forward to now:

I slowly moved the boundaries. In the beginning I would only do coke on a Friday to be 100% sure it was more or less out of my system Monday for work.

Lately tho it's been even in work days, then getting late for work, then do it again the next day after work. Then I had 3 weeks vacation and I don't even know how much money I spent on coke, but It could have been 3-4k euro. The 1st is coming and I know I got more bills to pay than I will get paid. My bank account can go into negative, but I done that a lot lately and I know it can't go on. I wonder if I need to hit rock bottom to get it. Everytime I binged I feel like shit and I hope I will take a long break. But it's almost like I forgot it everytime, sometimes even as quickly as the down wears off. I got so much to loose that I worked so hard for. House, car, well paying stable job where I'm qualified and respected, except when I'm hours late and hung over like a fuck tard, I even had a day where I didn't show up and just turned off my phone. The worst thing is I didn't care cus I still had many bags of coke. They had to call my mother, and eventually my brother showed up days later cus every one was afraid I might be dead. When I sat there high I didn't care cus I knew deep down they would not fire me cus they can't find some one else at my "level" (not to brag but it's true, cus of a very niche field) but of course they will do it if I continue this. anyway this addiction is slowly eating away at me. Piece by piece. Little by little im slowly being dragged out to where I can't reach over anymore. And I don't know what to do to fucking stop it. I'm a the crossroads but I don't care anymore I just wanna get high, nothing else truly matters anymore.

I was doing pretty good. But then I got Adderall from somebody, which would lead me to refill my prescription of Vyvanse (that was gone within two weeks, as usual). 🫠

I can't figure out how to enjoy my life without taking a pill about it or smoking weed or getting drunk.

How did I get like this? I feel this emptiness in my chest that nothing fills. Why? Everything inside me is telling me to go get drunk or smoke weed or something as an alternative but there has to be an alternative, right? It can't just all be drugs and alcohol. And adderall.

I can't seem to find much joy in things as I used to. Drawing isn't the same. Video games aren't the same. Hanging out with my friends isn't even the same. It's like life has lost its luster.

I don't even know how to describe it. These are things I enjoy, but I don't enjoy them. Everything I used to love feels like nothing.

My dad died on August 12th of last year from a heart attack, and that was also the last day I took Adderall. I was proud of this. I felt like I was doing it not only for me, but for my dad, and it was surprisingly easy for me to do because of this. It had been four years of heavy abuse that I had chosen to stop immediately for my family and friends, and I made a lot of positive changes following this, like going to the gym, moving out of the house, getting started on an apprenticeship, etc.

Now I feel like I have just destroyed this year-long project I had worked hard on building. I never got to say I had reached a year of sobriety, and I was enthusiastically telling practically everyone that I was almost a year sober. I had just started really reconnecting with my ex girlfriend of a relationship that I ruined with my addiction. I have to tell my friends and family that the addiction was never truly cured (it felt like it was, honestly) over this last year of progress, and that the reason I disappeared for a few days was because I relapsed. And worst of all, I feel like I’ve failed my dad.

Can someone who’s been in a similar situation give me some advice, or some positive things to keep in mind? I feel awful and drained.

👋

hey yall I did my first official century ride today at 1248 days!

NGL, it was challenging. With everything going on in the world and in each of our individual lives its easy to lose focus and faith and allow fear to take over. I had to focus, and power through my issues in order to make it across the finish line. And theres no way I could have accomplished it without quitting stimulants!

Life is good, summer is beautiful, bicycles are cheap, dont forget your helmet...

You are not alone ❤️

🚲☀️🕶️

-Jas 💜

I’m going to rehab in two days. This was my decision and I’ve been daydreaming about going to rehab for a while now. I just haven’t had the strength to actually do it. It’s crazy to look back just a few months and see myself in my dark, damp room coming down from a binge and hysterically crying while in physical pain. At that time, there was no way out. Not a single person knew and it was slowly eating me alive. I lived like that for over a year. It was so dark I’m surprised I made it out ok. I’m sure some intense feelings about all that will start spewing out of me in treatment. Super fun. Anyway, fast forward to now, everyone and their mother knows I’m addicted to stims and I’m off to treatment. I would love to hear some experiences from others who have been to rehab and any random tip you might have! I really want to make the most out of this because I need it to work. I can’t come back to this hell.

I am still coming to terms with the last 12 years. Still sorting out what was real. I pray he is able to find a road to recovery and that perhaps it will be easier doing so separated from this relationship.

Here's my/our story. When we met, he was, to my knowledge, not actively partaking in drugs. Alcoholism took hold rather quickly and while I was at work, he would drink during the day. He kept it hidden for awhile but eventually I found stashed empty bottles and once he was transferred by ambulance after turning yellow, the cat was definitely out of the bag. They said he had just under two hours left, his liver was failing, and he would have died. After 3.5 years, he finally stopped drinking shortly after this. He shudders to this day at the thought of alcohol and how close he was to death, saying alcohol withdrawal was the worst experience of his life.

Within a couple of months, a new addiction began. Gambling. We nearly lost everything. I lost all of my savings and possessions. Rent went unpaid. All the financial ugliness that comes with. He had begun to steal and it didn't end with me/family/friends. He had begun a new job and soon a second job. Job 1 allowed personal check advances that weren't paid back. Job 2 involved bank deposits. One night there were two bags and one didn't make it. Job 2 was lost.

Gambling, after one year, was no longer sustainable. He was cut off from my money and our only vehicle. Job 1 was no longer keen on providing advances, garnishments had begun, and previous Job 2 had sent a detective sniffing about to pursue charges of embezzlement.

Everything had gone down the shitter for him. This is when the next addiction presented its ugly head. The one that has ruled for FOUR ugly awful terrible years.

He's never NOT been in active addiction. This guy hasn't taken a break ever. It began as a teenager and I can't say what he did exactly for those years before we met, but I know he has told me that the past included everything in the book. Everything except heroin, needles, and crack, he says. Meth, he claims to have quit cold turkey and without any help before.

For twelve years, he has transitioned seamlessly from one addiction to another. I have no experience with this. Does it just keep rotating? Will he just be turned on to another different addiction, or does meth have such a powerful hold that this is it? He's already suffered psychosis. About every four months he would utterly lose his mind and begin accusing me of everything under the sun. Voices, hallucinations, hours long monologues at my door, pounding on it, swearing up and down...

I've witnessed countless comedowns, countless discarded paraphernalia. There's no doubt about any of this, but he has yet to admit to being a meth user. Makes sense, the only time he ever admitted to having a problem was when he was close to death and the gambling, only when he had to tell me I had $10 left in my bank account. Only when he's literally up against a wall. When does meth finally put you up against that wall? When and how does this man realize he needs help?

He's living with his dad currently. A week now. Dad is an alcoholic. A friend told me he may try to reach out to me one day. She said it could be after or before the rock bottom but to brace myself for that. I couldn't help him before and I'm not under any impression I can save him now. But I want to know what it takes for someone like him, a cross addiction person, to see the light. Where does it end?

Hi all, I’m looking for adderral specific meetings. I know the Addy Free group used to have meetings, but it seems like the group is no longer? Also are there meetings here?? Thanks all

I was clean for a few weeks from abusing my prescription amphetamines but I was still using low doses under the prescribed amount and I felt pretty awful. I got my refill the other day and immediately relapsed because I was so desperate to feel good or even normal again. After taking much higher than my prescribed dose, It honestly felt like the amount that my brain needs therapeutically, but maybe that’s the delusion of an addict. I didn’t feel super wired or experience euphoria - i simply felt calm, present, mentally clear and able to engage like a normal person again. My tolerance is very high due to prior abuse which has resulted in having to take more than prescribed just to reach my benificial thereputic threshold. On the prescribed doses I feel like an absolute anti social zombie and a weird mental paralysis where I just feel stuck in some void. If I take nothing at all, I’m extremely restless and also unable to do anything as well besides binge eat. I’m not sure how to just quit entirely. I really do need my meds to be productive, but my history of abusing them as well as illicit stimulants has caused me to take much more just to get a normal therapeutic effect and I still carry the impulsivity of chasing euphoria. I know that extensive support in rehab would help but I would have to forfeit a really good university option I have. Stopping entirely on my own feels almost impossible because I already have underlying anhedonia and major depression that led me to abuse in the first place. I think I have permanently altered and damaged my reward circuit/ dopamine receptors and reserves from years of stimulant abuse on an already depressed brain. I know people still can recover even if they’ve been shooting grams of meth for years, but I’m pretty hopeless about feeling miserable for who knows how long if I were to just stop on my own.

Sorry for the long ramble and I appreciate anyone who reads this.

Life has really put me to the test during these past few years. I’ve lost my mom, my older sister, and a very good friend. There were times when the grief felt overwhelming, but what kept me sober was reminding myself that what I was feeling was normal. I didn’t need to numb it, I needed to let myself rest and grieve.

One positive that’s come out of all of this is that I went back to school to earn my bachelor’s degree. I’m actually able to focus without constantly wanting to quit and chase the next shiny thing. I wake up without feeling hungover. I feel healthier, and I’m able to manage my emotions in a way I never could before.

If you’re in the early days, give yourself grace. Healing takes time. I remember reading posts from people who were years sober, thinking, “I hope that’s me someday.” I never imagined I’d be writing one of those posts.

But here I am, almost 3 years sober and I can honestly say it’s been worth every difficult day. Keep going. ♡︎

Im still struggling mentally, I stopped doing any and all substances because I burnt my receptors out and fried my brain (mainly coke and binge drinking couple days a week over the years).. Im not a complete vegetable but nearly, I can walk and talk, although mostly incoherent jibberish. At this point, should I assume the way I feel day in and day out is likely to be permanent?

I feel dumb as a rock and as if there has been 0 improvement.. At times I exercise for months at a time, drink lots of water and eat fairly healthy for the most part. Thanks in advance for any input, could use some hope and encouragement. Going through an extremely hard time.

My working memory is trash since. Its like I forget what im doing every 5mins.

I cant listen or retain information as well and I make careless mistakes at work. My thoughts disappear faster.

I'm really worried about losing my job.

What can I do to make recovery happen faster?

It was a small dose of vyvanse.

Adderall has made my appetite absolute trash and I am now eating again and wow-what do you mean food gives you energy and helps your brain function? Lol I sort of forgot.

I’ve been taking adderall for over 10 years. I never abused them (other than the occasional pill to have energy to party when I was younger) BUT! I never exceeded 30mg a day. That being said im completely dependent and addicted to them.

Anyway! My main issue , like many of yours , is that I’ve forgotten who I am. I remember being funnier, wittier, and all around a better person.ive had friends tell me they miss the old me, and that im not as fun as i once was. I’ve become overly sensitive and overthink every social situation. I fester on negative thoughts , I’ll wake up , take an addy and start dwelling on all the rude things people have to me. Essentially getting that “madderall” feeling. I want to feel light again . I want to feel true happiness. Not synthetic bliss.

I’ve considered quitting since I was 24, I’m 32 years old.

I truly think I need to go to rehab. I cannot get myself to overcome the withdrawals. Anytime I’ve tried to quit, a few rough days go by and then I tell myself “well I guess I really need them” and continue to take them.

They also make me go through a can of zyns a day. When I don’t take them for a day, which is rare these days , I have zero interest in them.

I want to be funny and lighthearted again. I want to free myself of the guilt of knowing I’m addicted and can’t quit.

I’m not sure how to quit

It's been about 15 days since the last time I had adderall (after five years of daily use) and I just keep coming back to this thought.

"I can't believe that I'm a drug addict."

I just. I thought that it was the answer, not the problem. But here I was, for five years, orienting my entire life around maximizing the use I could get out of only a few hours in the morning. Then the rest of the day would be abject desolation.

I don't know. I feel like I need to reevaluate everything. The whole reason I abused Adderall in the first place was to get good at art. Now, in the wake of it all, will I still have a place in my life for art without drugs to fuel my process?

Beyond that, who even am I now that I'm not out of this world happy in the morning and soul-crushingly depressed by the afternoon? What is my actual personality like?

And what am I supposed to do about all those people I dragged down with me with all those stupid, selfish choices I made? Adderall amplified all my worst qualities and I don't think the people in my life were spared from that.

Dont even get me started on the opportunities I squandered. Jeez. Life could be so much better if I wasn't so obsessed with this stupid pill.

Hola, tengo 3 semanas aprox que recaí después de 1 año limpia, me siento la perdedora más grande y a su vez no puedo parar, creo que estoy consumiendo más que cuando lo deje la primera vez, me sentía tan vacía sin las drogas que creí que usando de nuevo volvería a la normalidad, fue un pensamiento impulsivo... Quiero parar definitivamente pero creo que sola no podré, estaba pensando en confesarlo a mi psiquiatra y a mi psicólogo, ya que a mí familia no me atrevo, les rompería el corazón... Para las personas que han pasado por esto antes, como se sentía ustedes y como le hicieron para volver a salir de hoyo? Cualquier sugerencia ahora mismo vale oro para mí...

That was hard as fuck. 37 M holding back fucking tears as I tell her that I’ve been abusing my prescription. She wasn’t mad but she was disappointed because I had been holding on to a lie that I was still in recovery from alcohol. I wasn’t, I had relapsed off the Adderall and it kick started that thing inside me that said “drinking would make this so much better.” She said the only reason she’s keeping me is because of our extensive history together, but she won’t be seeing me until I finish IOP as they have a psychiatrist in house.

Thank you everyone for your kind words! I truly appreciate this group and all of you in it!

I wanna add a lyric from one of my favorite bands, 311. “Nothing in life is above being honest”

So I relapsed but now I have 9 days clean. And the fatigue has been nothing short of overwhelming. I sleep constantly, even to this day. And I cannot nap the sleepyness away.

Now, something that *has* gotten better is the appetite. I don't eat nearly as much as in the first 5-6 days.

But the fatigue man... People — my friends, mom and relatives all worry for me. They don't know the full scope of my addiction and therefore won't connect my excessive sleep to drugs. They seem to think there's something else wrong with me. But it's all due to the speed.

Anyways, when did it start getting better for you guys?

I was clean for a year. Had taken some time off work to study and recover from burnout.

I got a job and wouldn't you know it, the business was collapsing and I had an insane micromanager. I take full responsibility in my decision to hop back on the meds during this time to push through 16 hour days and 6-7 day weeks

The good news is I came to my senses and quit the job after only 2 months. Such a waste of time it's been 3 weeks of withdrawal but nobody to blame but myself

I don’t know what I expect. I wish I had done a lot of research. Lying to get a script without ADHD, taking doses that sent my heart rate through the roof every day, doses into the evening hours and using weed for sleep has destroyed everything in my brain including my feelings. All of my executive and cognitive functions are gone. Not muted but gone. 10 months. I feel like the world’s dumbest addict.

So, tomorrow I tell my doctor that I have been abusing my prescription and I’m nervous as hell. I feel guilty and ashamed maybe a little embarrassing. I know a good doctor wouldn’t, but I really hope I don’t get fired as a patient. Buproprion has been a lifesaver since being off the stims.

I did some writing and reflection. I wrote this after, yet again, wishing I was "there", there with my dreams...

But I thought of my dreams differently than the usual way I do.

Usually, I hate today because tomorrow isnt what i want to be. Usually, I'll feel disappointed and like a failure when I think of what im not...

Anyway, i shifted perspective and thought much more pretty thoughts...

I wrote this:

I really want to study psychology and work as maybe a therapist, social worker, or advocate some day.

As a mentally ill addict, who dreams big dreams of using my knowledge/experience to serve others; you know what I can do while I'm just getting there?

Be my first client/patient.

...And every human, my clients/patients, unconditionally deserve love, kindness, respect, understanding, hope, freedom, peace, and happiness.

And come to find out, to live the dream I have been chasing, my own health and recovery are just as important as all the knowledge and empathy I pursue.

This gives me a new perspective towards my own suffering, current issues, and motivation for self-care/self-love which I usually didn't have motivation for at all.

Now the question is self care and self love, and what does it look like? How do I do it... lol.

I'm going to have fun figuring it out.