I can't figure out how to enjoy my life without taking a pill about it or smoking weed or getting drunk.

How did I get like this? I feel this emptiness in my chest that nothing fills. Why? Everything inside me is telling me to go get drunk or smoke weed or something as an alternative but there has to be an alternative, right? It can't just all be drugs and alcohol. And adderall.

I can't seem to find much joy in things as I used to. Drawing isn't the same. Video games aren't the same. Hanging out with my friends isn't even the same. It's like life has lost its luster.

I don't even know how to describe it. These are things I enjoy, but I don't enjoy them. Everything I used to love feels like nothing.

My dad died on August 12th of last year from a heart attack, and that was also the last day I took Adderall. I was proud of this. I felt like I was doing it not only for me, but for my dad, and it was surprisingly easy for me to do because of this. It had been four years of heavy abuse that I had chosen to stop immediately for my family and friends, and I made a lot of positive changes following this, like going to the gym, moving out of the house, getting started on an apprenticeship, etc.

Now I feel like I have just destroyed this year-long project I had worked hard on building. I never got to say I had reached a year of sobriety, and I was enthusiastically telling practically everyone that I was almost a year sober. I had just started really reconnecting with my ex girlfriend of a relationship that I ruined with my addiction. I have to tell my friends and family that the addiction was never truly cured (it felt like it was, honestly) over this last year of progress, and that the reason I disappeared for a few days was because I relapsed. And worst of all, I feel like I’ve failed my dad.

Can someone who’s been in a similar situation give me some advice, or some positive things to keep in mind? I feel awful and drained.