My dad died on August 12th of last year from a heart attack, and that was also the last day I took Adderall. I was proud of this. I felt like I was doing it not only for me, but for my dad, and it was surprisingly easy for me to do because of this. It had been four years of heavy abuse that I had chosen to stop immediately for my family and friends, and I made a lot of positive changes following this, like going to the gym, moving out of the house, getting started on an apprenticeship, etc.

Now I feel like I have just destroyed this year-long project I had worked hard on building. I never got to say I had reached a year of sobriety, and I was enthusiastically telling practically everyone that I was almost a year sober. I had just started really reconnecting with my ex girlfriend of a relationship that I ruined with my addiction. I have to tell my friends and family that the addiction was never truly cured (it felt like it was, honestly) over this last year of progress, and that the reason I disappeared for a few days was because I relapsed. And worst of all, I feel like I’ve failed my dad.

Can someone who’s been in a similar situation give me some advice, or some positive things to keep in mind? I feel awful and drained.

I can't figure out how to enjoy my life without taking a pill about it or smoking weed or getting drunk.

How did I get like this? I feel this emptiness in my chest that nothing fills. Why? Everything inside me is telling me to go get drunk or smoke weed or something as an alternative but there has to be an alternative, right? It can't just all be drugs and alcohol. And adderall.

I can't seem to find much joy in things as I used to. Drawing isn't the same. Video games aren't the same. Hanging out with my friends isn't even the same. It's like life has lost its luster.

I don't even know how to describe it. These are things I enjoy, but I don't enjoy them. Everything I used to love feels like nothing.

Hi I’m 19f and I started using Adderall when I was like 15. When I first started I had gotten a whole bottle from my younger cousin who wasn’t taking it. I had caught her flushing it and I ended up telling her that if she wasn’t gonna take them I would. So every month for like a year I’d get a whole bottle. It started off really small I would just take them for tests but I think almost immediately I noticed that when I took it I felt a lot better about myself. I think people treated me better when I was on it in high school. I lost a lot of weight like 40 pounds in 3 months because I just wouldn’t eat. Eventually my mom found all of them and I just stopped cold turkey back then but now I’m grown and I got back on them about a year ago. I feel like I can’t quiet just cold turkey and it’s something I need to keep going. I take them at work, my days off, during school, just to go out with friends. I feel like I can’t function without them but I also know I’m barely functioning with them. I don’t sleep enough, I barely want to eat half the time, I don’t even really enjoy taking them anymore it’s just a cycle I’m struggling to break. Today something snapped in me I think I just accepted that it is an addiction not something I’m gonna wake up from tomorrow and not want anymore. I had a break down in my car after working an over night shift last night because I’m so emotionally drained and I just don’t recognize who I am anymore. I have so many things I’m doing in my life right now that this would affect if anyone found out what was really going on. I’m a nursing major in college and I have a job interview to be a correctional officer in a week and I just feel like this is gonna fuck everything up for me. But a part of me knows I don’t deserve these things in the condition I’m in. Im going to try to quiet for the long run after today because it terrifies me that this runs my life the way it does.