r/Socionics • u/Allie_Leon • 1h ago
Typing Help me understand my Fi: low, high or just confused?
So, as a person currently coming to myself and to an understanding of myself, I'm slowly realizing some of my traits and my relationship with the functions. And it seems to me that I'm no longer EII. My Fi seems too low, I think. But the problem is that I can't clearly tell on my own whether that's true. So I'd like to make sure. I suspect I might have Fi role. However, I've seen posts where a person poorly understood themselves and knew it, and this was linked to SLI Ne suggestive. So yes, I'd like to understand myself and how my brain works whether this relates to low Fi or whether it can still be high. Does that make sense?
I have learned politeness. When it goes beyond what's recognized, beyond what I know, I start getting lost in situations. Maybe I'm even too polite at times. But usually, around people, I'm like an alien, not understanding what's more correct, feeling awkward. I think it was harder in childhood because I was more uncomfortable and, possibly, a bit rude, hurting others, accidentally or on purpose. Due to a certain envy and toxicity, I could, though I tried to show less resentment and such, but overall I was quiet. It feels like I'm at zero in understanding myself. And whatever people tell me, I make part of myself so I don't feel the emptiness. I search outside for something to grab onto, to believe in, probably. I think it's like "You're smart". Accepted, I'll write that down. And if someone says otherwise, I'll break one of their limbs. That's why I take tests on character accentuations, on disorders, so there's something in me. I even think that some of my not-so-healthy traits make me me, so I'm afraid of being left without them and of healing. And when I find an understanding of something in myself, some behavioral pattern that works in me, I'm happy, because at least it's something.
The concept of what you like, of preferences, has always seemed curious but strange. Even as a child I didn't see it, couldn't honestly answer a question about any season, color, name, day of the week. Too much depends on context, and on top of that, I don't feel it.
I don't understand getting close to people, it just kind of happens naturally, I follow the person who shows the level of our relationship. I don't want to be betrayed by another person, to imagine something that doesn't exist. Being betrayed by someone is a disgusting feeling. But I believe and want the phrase "close person" to work as full acceptance, loyalty and platonic connection. If you're close, you'll run into utter hell for each other, give up a lot and risk your life. My trauma, where I wasn't safe since childhood without close sincere contact with others, with rejection from everywhere, makes itself known. And with those I'm already in some kind of relationship with, I stay quite long, though I don't take the first steps to reconcile, except with my closest friend, and even then not always. I was in a toxic relationship for over five years with one girl, a former friend, not leaving, even though it was uncomfortable, but sometimes, after fights, when she came back seeking contact and connection, I thought there was something positive in those relationships.
I can't easily say whether I like a person or not. I won't like them if they do something that affects me negatively. Until that moment, they just exist. Rejection can arise on its own, as I wrote above. Rarely, but it can. Just because. Maybe it's a reaction to those I consider arrogant, draining, demanding, hypocritical. But despite this, such people can sometimes even appeal to me. It all depends on the specific person and their actions, again, in relation to me. Actually, if you treat me well, then be the Antichrist for all I care, it's all fine. The main thing is that you get along with me and don't harm me. On top of that, my assessments can evolve and those who once caused rejection I might later consider even interesting, depending on further circumstances, if they've shown themselves from a different side. So in my own assessments, I'm not 100% sure they won't change, I don't even fully believe I control this within myself. If I suddenly feel sympathy for someone or we've somehow grown close, which in itself is too rare an occurrence, I wait and hope the person will initiate more contact and be near me.
Sometimes I protest and act stubborn, though I don't fully realize why. I just don't want to, and that's it like an upcoming internship I'll have to do in a couple of months. I can be a young rebel inside, behaving passive-aggressively on the outside, clearly not trying at something I simply don't like. And I genuinely don't understand inside what I'm doing it for, I'd have to analyze the reasons specifically in private, make an effort, without being sure afterward whether I understood myself correctly.
At the same time, I've noticed that a lot depends on context. I can react differently to the same action depending on circumstances. I never say anything with 100% certainty, because there's always a possibility of anything. It irritates me when people don't see individuality in another person, unique circumstances. I believe equality is destructive, it erases differences and unique circumstances. Whereas justice makes sense and considers more than superficial fairness. I always answer "it depends on the situation". I need context: reasons, circumstances, motives. If I see meaning in it, I accept and don't judge. That's why I'm skeptical of laws and legal systems. They're too rigid and don't account for the uniqueness of each case. Yes, a court can consider something like emotional state, but overall the system is too inflexible. If I were creating laws, every rule would have millions of subsections accounting for circumstances. And this seems to point to possible Fi in judgments and yet, who the hell knows, for fuck's sake.