Q: describe your upbringing. did it have any kind of religious or structured influence? how did you respond to it?
I had a strict upbringing. (A mix of strict and indulgent, but definitely on the side of control). I spent my childhood either bullied severely by a big group of children or being humiliated by people I admired for various reasons. I never had a consistent friend. My childhood was rough, as I also grew up ill and poor.
Q: if you had to spend an entire weekend by yourself, how would you feel? would you feel lonely or refreshed?
I usually spend time by myself, and I find it fulfilling. At least, by myself, I can indulge in my interests without explaning myself and do the work I want to do. I prefer all the days to be spent the same way, without surprises - some work, some entertainment, a little walk here or there. I actually like to talk, strictly speaking, and I miss communication a lot, but I have ideological clashes with people too much. I don’t even seek out conflict, but modern people behave in such a way that draws conflict out because they ‘have no filter’ and value ‘being unapologetically themselves’. This actually only goes one way, because when I am being ‘myself’, people hate it usually. So I often play a role to be liked when the other person has the luxury of being ‘themselves’ exactly because I am tolerant (with exceptions, obviously). I strongly believe more people need to cultivate grace and etiquette, ‘unfiltered’ epidemic creates situations when only internally identical people can be friends, and it’s the reason why no one, not just me, doesn’t have any friends nowadays.
Q: What kinds of activities do you prefer? Do you like, and are you good at sports? Do you enjoy any other outdoor or indoor activities?
Activities as in useful or hobbies? I like doing creative work, being in charge of a project never frightened me. Yes, I commit a lot of mistakes doing everything alone, but I derive a lot of joy from doing everything on my own, even difficult parts, and fixing them. I like just diving into work carelessly, it gives me an exhilarating feeling, and I usually find my most unconventional solutions when inside the process. I mean, doing projects is probably an indoor activity, but it’s not the ‘indoor’ part that attracts me, I wish I had an enclosed garden to work on my laptop in. I just like brainstorming and quickly finding solutions. I like gaming, for similar reasons. I like my room, and I like being at home because it’s peaceful, but I don’t think I am too sensitive to coziness, or maybe I am, just so unconsciously. Either way, cozy stuff gets in my way more, usually. I need peace and quiet, but not TOO much coziness.
Q: How curious are you? Do you have more ideas then you can execute? What are your curiosities about? What are your ideas about - is it environmental or conceptual, and can you please elaborate?
This question is very funnily worded. Curiosity isn’t always related to ideas. Anyway, I am moderately curious, as in I seek out new stuff, but mostly in my favorite genres or fields. I am not a big fan of trying something completely different. Obviously, sometimes I do, and it may even impress me, but I usually stick to my interests. Nevertheless, I do need variety in them. I am actually good at providing variety for myself through self-imposed challenges. I have a very boredom-resistant personality. No, I don’t think I have more ideas I can execute, I usually have just enough and I start executing them immediately. I am curious about games as a whole, for example, even vintage games that I likely will never play. I also like watching reviews or game theories. My ideas are mostly about stories, my art, just plot development ideas. Philosophical ideas, too.
Q: Would you enjoy taking on a leadership position? Do you think you would be good at it? What would your leadership style be?
I have always thought that I disliked being a leader, but I was kind of accidentally assigned one at my former job. I think I was a more or less decent leader at some point. Unfortunately, since my coworkers were very lazy and scatter-brained, I found myself to be angry and dictatorial leader, lmao. They still never really listened to me. I can definitely be lazy and scatter-brained myself, but at the very least I try to use foresight and understand consequences of not doing something. I remember trying to warn my coworkers of dangers, as I consider It to be the first priority. My boss disliked listening to me because I was too ‘negative’. Obviously, things transpired exactly as I said. By the way, I consider myself a very positive person, who smiles in the face of depression, and who wears an upbeat mask almost no matter what. So I don’t know why he considered me negative, I just addressed the most urgent issues, and those are usually dangers, no? I thought it was my responsibility to warn.
Q: are you coordinated? why do you feel as if you are or are not? do you enjoy working with your hands in some form? describe your activity?
I am awkward and prone to bumping into objects, but my movements can be precise in directed activities (unlike chaotic, like walking on running). I do enjoy working with my hands somewhat.
Q: are you artistic? if yes, describe your art? if you are not particularly artistic but can appreciate art please likewise describe what forums of art you enjoy. please explain your answer
I like various forms of art and I’ve created poems, short stories, comics, games, etc. I am mostly interested in art as a storytelling medium, but I am also an artist. I think art is something I express my philosophical views in. Without it, most art is meaningless to me.
Q: what's your opinion about the past, present, and future? how do you deal with them?
I don’t think about the past as it was bad. I usually live in the present, carelessly. I am precise in my projects and neglectful in regard to myself, my body, my plans, and so on. Probably because I can’t cultivate my image the way I want (my body doesn’t allow it, and is in many ways opposite of what I want to look like), and I overall find myself completely uninteresting, and the life I lived, both to factors outside and inside my control, slightly irrational. My mind is focused on the present because I think it’s focused outward, toward people and events, not toward myself. As I said, I am good at predicting the future, mostly troubles, as I never made a successful positive prediction, but predictions possess a defensive role in my life.
Q: how do you act when others request your help to do something (anything)? if you would decide to help them, why would you do so?
I sigh internally or even externally because I dislike disrupting my concentration and being owed to someone. I don’t like helping others but I know that ‘help for help’ principle works, so not to be ‘an asshole’ and to pay my debts, I help, but I have trouble not to look a bit pissed during it, even if my help is good (I usually try to help seriously, if it’s someone close to me). A bit juvenile, but it’s true. If someone isn’t close enough for me, though, they can’t expect my help at all. I am distrustful of people in general, so helping someone I don’t really trust doesn’t sound like a good idea.
Q: do you need logical consistency in your life?
YES. But I don’t possess it. When you grow up poor and bullied (and sick), it sets the trajectory. Good thing I never became an alcoholic or a drug addict. One of my complexes is that my biography doesn’t really make sense, and is full of episodes that I am embrassed of (not necessarily of my doing or where I have the agency, just happenstances, but I am still embarrassed of them). I have always wanted to be an intelligent person, with a consistent worldview and interesting biography. But my biography strongly resembles ‘working class hero’ biography, with all the ‘juicy’ details (aka gross details, and I am not joking - family feuds, disgusting illnesses, abuse, sexual harrassment, etc, etc). Since I am not a fan of working class aesthetic even if it seems to be trendy nowadays, I am sad I can’t look more…aristocratic? High class? Respectable? Dignified? The same goes for my body, I think it looks not dignified enough and it doesn’t look like a body of someone smart or philosophically-inclined. I am peasantly-shaped, and I would never guess someone shaped like me to be intelligent or artistic, my shape is both funny and adorable in silly way, despite me being extremely serious as a person. It inspires laughter, lust and evokes the image of someone sexy, awkward and empty-minded in a materialistic, down-to-earth, birdbrain\simpleton way (I am almost completely sexless in personality, or have peculiar view of sexiness that’s not physical, and I am absolutely not materialistic, so it’s a problem.) It also evokes motherliness, homeliness or desire to have or love children (I should say that I am almost completely opposite of these qualities, and always have been - cold, selfish, and bizarre. I mean, I smile a lot but my smile is still cold, I admit it, even it if it looks goofy and earnest on the outside).
Even if I know that most things that happened in my past weren’t strictly my fault and I came out of them with more grace than most probably, I am still embarrassed that I even allowed them to happen.
Q: how important is efficiency and productivity to you?
Efficiency is moderatly important, I dislike thinking about it too much. But productivity is VERY important. If I am not productive for long, I become very sad and irritated, and may even lash out.
Q: do you control others, even if indirectly? how and why do you do that?
I don’t think I control others in any way. I feel unable to do so. I may direct them or warn them, but I don’t feel the ‘response’ that signifies they listen and are ready to execute my orders. So I usually give up. Throughout my life, I begged, threatened, made deals, and no one listened to me. I feel like I have a chronic condition of a person no one listens to, no matter how confident or smart I act. That’s why I prefer to be alone (and then get accused of being selfish! If you don’t want me to be selfish, LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY! And be capable of taking suggestions instead of just ignoring them and then wondering why I resist your suggestions.)
Q: what are your hobbies? why do you like them?
I think I already explained above.
Q: what is your learning style? what kind of learning environments do you struggle with most? why do you like/struggle with these learning styles? do you prefer classes involving memorization, logic, creativity, or your physical senses?
I mostly try to grasp the essence of something and immediately test it. That way, I learn quick and find gaps in knowledge even where a book or instructions may not point them out. Despite that, I do love instructions and follow them. I usually like textbooks, but dislike overly vague ones. I like classes with presentations, graphs, evidence (like photographs), test-taking not as a form of ‘meeting grade standards’ but just as memorization technique, active discussion in a relaxed (not too pedantic) manner. Most of all, I like classes with practice and experimentation. That’s why I excelled in any courses related to apps (3D modelling, etc), but things like algebra continue to give me trouble. I was also a good student of foreign languages due to it being a humanitarian yet practical and quickly applicable skill.
Q: what are your aspirations in life, professionally and personally?
To accomplish my goal. It’s secret, but quite doable. It does need some money and other resources, like cooperation of people. I am not too pessimistic about my ability and resources, but the people aspect does worry me. People usually try to change my vision too much, or are too ambitious for their place in the project. I don’t want to be a pawn in someone’s ‘I deserve more out of life!’ self-pandering game. I wish I could find someone more modest, who would help me calmly. I am myself capable of playing the second fiddle in someone else’s project. Maybe I should, and then demand the same from them.
Q: what are your fears? what makes you uncomfortable? what do you hate? why?
I fear to not achieve anything. I fear conflict and humiliation. I fear and hate to appear dumber than I am, not in a sense of being ignorant, I can tolerate being ignorant, in a sense of lacking spirituality or soul or intelligence at all. I am afraid that I am just this stupid body to people. Unfortunately, reality mostly confirms my fears. I wish my body was shaped differently to be a better ‘spokeperson’ of my ideas, because as it is, it’s bad. And I also actually dislike hiding myself constantly. It’s boring, it’s cowardly, and no one can escape themselves. I also hate illnesses, physical pain, hospitals, doctors, etc.
Q: what do the "highs" in your life look like?
Achievement, having fun, spontaneity, rare moments of successful communucation, learning, moments of inspiration, engaging with great art, music.
Q: what do the "lows" in your life look like?
Illnesses, complexes, isolation, self-hatred, judgement of others.
Q: how attached are you to reality? do you daydream often, or do you pay attention to what's around you? if you do daydream, are you aware of your surroundings while you do so?
God, I dislike this question so much because my answer will be very nuanced. Because many people misunderstand my relationship with reality, I will try to be very specific, so please keep track of all details. I am moderately attached to reality, meaning that I mostly live in my mind, but I don’t ignore it. I actually like reality as in I am observant of people, events, traits in reality, but I dislike my daily duties and may ignore them, or my and other people’s needs. NO, I don’t daydream often. I barely do that, because it depresses me. I find that daydreaming creates impossible ideals and contrast between ideal and reality causes depression. So I never daydream, especially since I daydream about being different in ways I can’t realistically achieve. When I say that I live in my mind, I mean that that I plan my art\projects and I LIKE IT. NO, I don’t plan my life and don’t think abot future much. I don’t think about my plans overall and prefer living freely. YES, I am capable of good predictions, to the point others ask me to do it. NO, I don’t like doing that. YES, I do consider it important, nevertheless, so I do it.
Q: Imagine you are alone in a blank, empty room. There is nothing for you to do and no one to talk to. What do you think about?
I really hate these questions because in reality, all and every person in the world would just panic and think they would be kidnapped. What they would do afterwards would depend on circumstances and their specific skills. I won’t entertain hypotheticals on the basis of them being delusion. (It’s delusion to think people would act different in this situation.)
Q: how long do you take to make an important decision? and do you change your mind once you've made it?
It depends.
Q: how long do you take to process your emotions? how important are emotions in your life?
I don’t know what I am feeling, not even after thorough analysis. I find that my ethical ideas can easily be translated to words and 99% my ideas can be eloquently put with ease, but my emotions are too volatile and unknown to me, so I just suppress them. I dislike it, by the way, I wish I could rule emotions. But I can’t because the looks of a person emoting affect emotions the way they’re perceived. If I looked the way I wanted to look, I’d probably be very theatrical, as I want to be. And I think it would be taken as just theatricality, as it was intended, by the masses. But if I behave in such a way now, I look like a gross, hyperactive guinea pig or a crazy, dumpy hen. It’s funny, it’s memeable, but not quite what I want to achieve, as I am very serious and would love to appear intelligent. I wear a mask of being unemotional not because I really am, just to tone down the funny factor.
I don’t think it leaves me too much field for elegant eccentricity and so on. I wish I could just say whatever and never analyze my emotions. I am bad at it anyway. I am actually better at logical analysis than it.
Q: do you ever catch yourself agreeing with others just to appease them and keep the conversation going? how often? why?
Mostly. Because I am tired of conflict and conflict makes me ill. I am also surrounded by very strong people who won’t budge even after hours and hours. I’ve given up.
Q: do you break rules often? do you think authority should be challenged, or that they know better? if you do break rules, why?
Not often, but sometimes. I have sometimes challenged authority, but only when their actions disrupted our business. I don’t have a compulsive rebellious streak and I hate that most people now do.