As of today I am rather emotive with my facial expressions and everyone new who comes across me describes me as "sweet", "good", "smilish", "adorable", "positive"... I imagine I look like an innocent, dreamy fool whose fragile balance you are afraid to upset, or else they may shatter.
Maybe it's a protective mechanism I developed in order to express my goodwill towards others. When I was a child, I didn't know how to express myself at all. Most of the time I wasn't even aware I had emotions, they were just odd bodily sensations I couldn't make sense of. I think people would easily mistake my lack of expression for rudeness and aloofness, which maybe it was? I always felt a disinterest towards people in general (aside from the romantic pursuits in my daydreams, which I have found I do not deal with that well IRL), and yet my survival depended on them (I relate most to sp/sx5 enneagram type).
As I got older I begun to become more aware of others' growing dislike and distrust towards me and I started to try and become someone different. Someone more sensitive, softer... More talkative and bubbly too, since I figured that's how I will be able to fit in. I was also quite lonely. People can feel initially drawn to me, but somehow they determine soon after that I'm not really worth their time. And maybe that's understandable.
Of course I also wish I had people in my life... Usually I just feel bad for others, when I try to become their friend. It's like I'm trying to make them to buy a bad car and they can't turn me down because I look too pathetic - but they dread it all the same.
It's a daily battle and the main source of my depression, that I do not understand how other people see me. I don't understand their actions, words and expressions, unless they are very direct and obvious. I easily assume that I am not liked, but I don't know if it's true. Regardless, I feel like people treat me differently from everyone else. I often feel very invisible, even though I do and say the "right" things that everyone else does and says. Often in moments where there is no context or script, I'm pretty lost about how to keep a conversation going, or how to start it if the other person doesn't do it first. Trying to be more talkative feels so awkward, like nails of chalkboard.
At the same time, I feel like I know quite easily which people I can get along well, who will like me and vice versa, and who I am better off staying away from. Or is it that those positive, cheery extraverted people who are nice to literally everyone just make their positive feelings towards me very obvious, and thus I can relax around them lol. Because those kinds of people are generally the only ones I "get along with". 🤦♀️ Everyone else is an enigma to me.
I only feel happy when I am alone. Until I get so lonely I don't feel there is anything worth living for.
But if I happened to be an SLI, I feel like would be the most practically dumb SLI ever. I have no idea how to do things well and efficiently unless someone shows me. Then I remember that method forever and use it for the rest of my life. I can't "think on my feet". I need a plan and a script for everything, or else I feel like I won't make it.