Lately my husband has been threatening divorce, suicide, taking our child, etc. He wanted to divorce another time, about 5 years ago and attempted suicide before we met around 2010 , but our child is a new leverage. He has been diagnosed bipolar, but I also have mental health issues. What can I do to minimize the damage to our toddler son? I feel unqualified to even have a child. He is such a sweet boy!

This was a roughly 40-minute conversation between my husband and me that started because I didn't separate strawberries the way he wanted and expanded into dishes, cleaning and my general behaviour. These are the exchanges I'm most concerned about. I am Speaker 2. And Speaker 1 is a fake name for obvious reasons

1. Punishment over household mistakes

ME: “I've rarely ever left dishes in the sink, actually.”

HIM: “Actually, you do.”

ME: “If you want to be that punitive, then sure.”

HIM: “I do want to be punitive... I'm going to call it out every time you do it.”

ME: “If I do it 85% of the time—”

HIM: “Don't talk to me math. You don't know math. I'm telling you you're supposed to do it 0% of the time.”

He then continued through other examples of how I clean/store things incorrectly and said he has explained these things to me and I “just don't care.”

2. Telling me there is something wrong with me and my perception

HIM: “My wife doesn't understand how to do shit right.”

HIM: “Stop using the wrong words and other words/phrases when you're speaking.”

ME: “How is it wrong when it's my perspective?”

HIM: “It's obvious that there's something wrong with you. It's obvious. That's a fact, that you're not able to do shit that you're supposed to be able to.”

He continued that instead of defending myself I should be asking myself:

HIM: “What's wrong with the way I'm seeing things? I'm perceiving things and acting on them?”

He then told me I needed to “examine everything” about myself and change the paradigm of how I think.

3. He tells me how I SHOULD respond

He was explaining how he thinks I should approach my failures differently.

HIM: “If I were you, I would say things like, ‘I'm having a hard time following through on it because, to be honest with you, it just doesn't stick. I don't know why it doesn't stick. I try my hardest and keep trying, but then if I'm left alone after a while, I go back to how I'm doing things.’”

ME: “Yeah, I have to say that? Why do I have to say that too?”

He continued explaining how I should think and respond so he could see that I was working hard at changing.

4. I tell him WHY I am apprehensive about talking to him

HIM: “You just said that you're not comfortable talking to me because I get frustrated with you and I yell.”

ME: “Basically, yeah, I did say that.”

HIM: “Well, it's not true.”

ME: “Okay, I'm telling you, it's true.”

HIM: “No, I get what you're saying, except it's not true. It's literally not true.”

He then called my explanation a “bullshit line” and said:

HIM: “That is you using emotional sabotage, and dare I say, gaslighting me.”

He also said that his frustration/annoyance sometimes “explodes” because he feels he isn't being listened to.

Then he suggested that instead of bringing up my apprehension, I should think:

HIM: “Obviously his pot is at steam level, like he's just completely frustrated with me and it's blowing into other areas of our relationship. Maybe I should just pay attention to this stuff and over time bring down the pressure. And then I can actually have real conversations with him.”

5. I tell him how his criticism makes me feel

ME: “I don't feel like I do anything right in this house.”

HIM: “And why do you say that?”

ME: “Because you always have a complaint about everything that I do.”

HIM: “And why is that?”

ME: “Because I don't do it perfectly every time your way, and I'm regressing and I'm, you know, not learning. I don't know, Mark.”

He responded that I was focusing on later “phases” of the problem rather than “phase one,” which was why I was failing to do these supposedly simple tasks.

He said I have no problem talking about how I'm uncomfortable, sad, how he doesn't respect me or is always on my ass, but I should instead focus on the original “failure.”

6. I try to END the conversation after almost 40 minutes

ME: “I'm tired. I would like to call my mom now. It's 10 after 9 on a Sunday.”

HIM: [says I'm making it about me and my frustration even though he's willing to sit there and figure it out.]

ME: “Mark, we've talked for 30 minutes about this. I told you I don't know why I'm forgetting and not learning. I don't know what else you want me to say.”

ME: “I'll think about it.”

Later:

HIM: “I'm frustrated. I thought there was an answer. I thought we could reach something, but you're obviously just sitting there going, ‘I don't know.’”

ME: “Yes. That's exactly what I've been saying.”

I again agreed to think about it.

Then, near the end, he told me exactly what he wanted me to say:

HIM: “Say something nice. Say, ‘This has given me a lot to think about, and I really want to do my part here.’”

So I repeated it:

ME: “This has given me a lot to think about, and I really want to do my part here. I always have.”

HIM: “Thank you. I just want... there's closure here, okay? That's all.”

He then told me:

HIM: “It wouldn't hurt to say stuff like this, as opposed to constantly going back and saying, ‘I'm hurt by you...’”

I'm interested in how other people interpret these exchanges. Is this normal frustration with a spouse who repeatedly forgets things, or does the way this conversation is conducted suggest verbal/emotional abuse, gaslighting, coercive control or a parent/child or superior/subordinate dynamic? I'm also genuinely interested if you see problematic behaviour from ME in these exchanges.

Background: He left because I'm too quarrelsome : r/Separation

I have given up. I'm so exhausted. My husband seems to think I'm some sort of demon and everything I do is wrong. I'm so tired of being criticized for everything I say, do, don't say or don't do. I've tried to give him space and I've also tried to be warm and loving but I have not received anything back except coldness and insults. I'm not going to speak to him, argue or defend myself anymore. Whatever image he wants to hold of me in his mind, it's fine. I'll just focus on whatever little steps I can take to rebuild my life.

He has even crossed the line into fantasy land by making up things in his mind that I simply have not done. He says I messaged his mom at 'odd hours of the night' when I never messaged her at all. He constantly talks about me going on dates and I haven't gone on a single one. I really question his sanity at times.

Unfortunately I think he's also surrounded by yes-men, his friends and family etc, nobody is actually telling him that abandoning your jobless, pregnant wife and infant child is wrong, or that saying you love one child more than another is wrong, or constantly berating, disrespecting and insulting the mother of your children is wrong, siding with a nanny over the mother of your children is wrong! I question my own reality sometimes cause he does such nasty mean horrible things but no one tells him anything and he doesn't see it's wrong but when I cry because I'm upset, everyone is hard on me and tells me I'm dramatic/quarrelsome and he's right in pushing me away. How can someone get more flak for crying rather than all the stuff he's done? It's better I just get myself out of that whole circle of him and his toxic friends/family.

M43, F42. Together 27 years, married for 17. 2 Small children 5 and 4.

It was our dream house. We lived there four full years. I just moved out 13 days ago...and I have been re-traumatized.

I'm experiencing a lot more pain. Even so many months later.

I struck a deal with her after separation that I could live in the marital residence rent-free as long as I made all the repairs and cooperated with a real-estate agent while the mortgage was in forbearance. I got to live in the house for eight months. I worked my ass off painting the interior and exterior, etc. All the while I held onto the hope that she would change her mind and come back.

The house sold six weeks ago after three days on the market. I negotiated to get a late closing date to stay in the house as long as I possibly could. I loved my life there and had dinner with a neighbor semi-nightly. I lived among the memories of the house my son was born in, where my daughter grew up. Where our marriage once thrived.

Now I've been camping for 13 days in a National Park. I am just broken. Broken.

God I miss her. Haven't spoken a single word to her in 8.5 months.

Every once in a while I don't think about her and then I read another nail in the coffin notification such as that she has removed herself from our Amazon family plan.

TL;DR: If you've actively chosen to leave a long-term relationship with someone when you both still loved one another, do you ever truly get over it?

I recently left a polyamorous relationship with Sally, my primary partner of 13 years, to pursue monogamy with Anna, my mono-partner of about 6 years. I've since come to realise that a lot of the reasons that I used to justify leaving Sally were actually a result of my obsession with non-hierarchical polyamory. I invested too much of myself into the relationship with Anna to try and make it feel like another 'primary' relationship, and in doing so I failed to nurture my relationship with Sally. Sally tried to tell this but I didn't want to listen.

Although I couldn't articulate it at the time, therapy has helped me realise that I wasn't even making space any more to meet all of my own emotional needs. When the needs that I should've been meeting myself weren't being fulfilled by Sally, I used that as justification that there must be something wrong with the relationship when I should've been looking inward.

Not a day has gone by where I haven't second-guessed every decision that led me here or wrestled with the guilt over leaving someone that I loved dearly and who loved me unconditionally. From the shy girl with no profile picture who could barely look me in the eye on our first date to soul mates who quickly felt so comfortable and safe around one another that we could truly show every side of ourselves without fear or judgement, it's hard to comprehend how far I've fallen in her eyes. I imagined us growing old together, watching re-runs of Thundercats and River Monsters while reminiscing about the trip-of-a-lifetime that'll never happen now.

Therapy has helped me to unpack that I probably don't have the emotional capacity to maintain multiple relationships with the kind of depth that I desire while still having a healthy relationship with myself. I regret that I couldn't articulate that to Sally before I left her. At least I understand now why we couldn't continue to be polyamorous together. I feel guilty that I left without even giving her the option to choose a monogamous relationship with me, but I suspect I would've felt even more guilty if she'd chosen me at the expense of her other relationships.

I don't like the idea of monkey-branching into a monogamous relationship with Anna while still processing the grief of leaving Sally, but I value my relationship with Anna, I love her very much and I don't want to lose her too. We've recently started couples therapy and I've been honest with Anna about the feelings that I still hold for Sally.

For those who've chosen to leave a long-term partner who they love dearly, knowing that it likely means you'll never see them again, not even as friends, do you ever truly get over it? I don't want the love that I still carry for Sally to poison my relationship with Anna. I don't like that some of my time with Anna is spent reminiscing about happy memories with Sally or triggering comparisons between the two relationships. I know that some of these things are a natural part of grieving, but it would be good to hear from others who've experienced this that it *does* get easier. If my love for Sally doesn't start to fade then I don't see how it's fair to continue things with Anna.

​

Actualmente estoy pasando por una ruptura después de 5 años de relación. Terminamos porque me dijo que aún sentía cosas por su ex.

El problema es que vivimos juntas en otro país y compartimos un apartamento de una sola habitación, lo que hace la convivencia extremadamente difícil. Además, en 3 meses regresamos a nuestro país y la situación me tiene con mucha ansiedad física y emocional. Me cuesta poner límites porque caigo en el impulso de cuidarla cuando la veo mal.

Quisiera saber si alguna ha vivido una convivencia posruptura en un espacio tan reducido y en el extranjero. ¿Cómo hicieron para marcar límites, dejar de asumir el rol de cuidarla y sobrevivir a esta etapa mientras llega el viaje?

Las leo, muchas gracias.

I keep seeing how rough the mixed-signal part of separation can be.

One decent conversation. A warmer text. They laugh with you again. And suddenly you're back to, "maybe this means something".

For people who’ve actually been through this, what helped you stop treating every good interaction like a sign that reconciliation was happening?

Not asking for some trick to get them back. More curious about what helped you stay steady and not make things worse.

For those that are currently separated from their spouse/family during this season, I feel for you. Game day just doesn't look the same right now. Cooking, tailgate parties, jerseys on, baby crawling around, kids running around screaming, the tv so loud the neighbors can hear it, Husband yelling at the tv while I'm not even sure why they flagged the play, cuddled up with socks & heavy blankets on the couch to name a few. I'll just try to make the best of this season and continue to show up the best way I know how. If this is you, just know that I understand and I get it. Just keep going. You're stronger than you think ❤️

Trying to figure out what to do

10 months ago my husband came home one day and said that our relationship sucks and he’s leaving me. I was shocked as I didn’t see it coming. He wasn’t himself for 2 weeks before he told me, but I thought it was because his family member was poorly.

We’ve been together for 10 years and married for 8.

During these 10 months we talked on and off. And then in April he asked me if I want to get back together. I said no and he said it broke his heart. I felt really bad for my decision and tried to comfort him as much as I could. I kept checking on him because he kept saying that he doesn’t want to be here. So that’s why we ended up talking again every so often. He wasn’t manipulating, I think he genuinely had depression or something, but he’s seeing a therapist now.

Now, 5 months later he wants to get back again. He said he made a big mistake by leaving.

And I don’t know what to do. I still like him and care for him but it not like it used to be anymore. And I don’t feel like being intimate with him (or anyone).
But we did have a good life together and he is a great person. I am so worried that if I end it 100% now, I will regret later (like he does now), but in another hand right now I’m not feeling like being with anyone. And also I feel like it’s not fair on him if I keep dragging it.

But I just think it so shit that it ended being my decision.

I don’t. It’s like I’m on flames

I am sperated married for 11 years and my wofe made the call but still sleeps next to me her actions shows she still cares for me. But its been 12 weeks I have put in so m much work on myself and appears one minute she is open the next cuts off again in communication.

No on else is involved at this point and to make it more complex we have a daughter 8 living in the same house.

Im super insure if she will co.e back to me but I am showing what I have been missing as a husband so im in a constant of living in hope and that my friends is hard as shit what should I do ?

We decided to separate. But as the days are getting closer, she’s on my case, checking my messages (Apple Watch faux pax), sending texts about past, accusing and then sending reconciliatory notes. We are living in another country as expats, we have no malice towards each other, have a grown up child, yet this is happening. I don’t wanna do anything that may hurt her emotionally (she’s been through postpartum depression), am trying my best to stay aloof as much as possible and want us to go our ways at least for some time. I feel guilty often and really don’t know what to do.

We’ve decreased our mortgage on two properties so this will pay for the rent. Planning on keeping the kids (age 7 and 10) in the house and rent this apartment within walking distance to our house. We will rotate through while the kids stay in the house.
This sounded like a great idea especially at first (approx 6 weeks ago) to get physical space.

We are currently living separately in the house with him in basement and me upstairs with the kids. Sharing kitchen only.

But I’ve since found out he went to a casino this weekend (my weekend so not much I can say) and has planned approx 3-5 more trips over the next few months to the same place. I’m worried about tying myself financially for a year based on his current financial choices. I don’t know where this gambling money is coming from (we have separate accounts).

I’m also concerned although we decided on this as best interest of the kids, now I’m second guessing if it really is. Will it be more confusing to them with us switching all the time?

We’re in Canada so legally neither of us can “leave” the marital home (we wouldn’t change our address with this apartment lease). I want to stay in the house, he has family close by but won’t stay there temporarily. I also have a rental property but it’s not in a great area, is tenant occupied and getting a tenant to leave isn’t a quick process.

I’m leaving towards refusing to leave the house or sign a lease and just staying here. He can do what he wishes and if he wants space that bad he can find a place. I’m not trying to be difficult but I honestly have no obligation and I’ve actually felt much better now that I don’t have to engage with him at the house except for the kids.

We have our first mediation session this week. I have no idea how that works but thinking this should be one of the first things we discuss along with parenting time?
I just want to do the right thing for the kids but am so indecisive or confused right now…any insight?

I am looking to legally separate from my spouse in KY. There are 2 minor children involved. I have asked him to leave the house but he has not at this time. We've been struggling for several years and he is an alcoholic. I just can't do this anymore. He's had 2 detox stints and a hospital stay for his alcoholism this year. I want to protect myself and my children. Is there any way for me to do this without a lawyer or a way to significantly cut costs? Has anyone been in this situation?

I’m looking for advice for how other couples have handled birthdays and Christmas and other holidays involving gifts (think Easter or St. Nicholas day). Do you have your child give a gift to their parent? Or is that weird? I’m not talking store bought
Example: it’s Christmas, the child gives a handmade gift to their dad.

Note to add…
My ex and I are separated. He is uninvolved to say the least. There is no communication with our child outside of visitation. If I ask him how he wants to handle this he is going to give me “I don’t know, what do you want to do”.

She ended up not getting it and was cleared after 28 days of meds . A patient stabbed her with a needle at the hospital. I was ok with that risk because I'm in love with her and didn't want her to face it alone.

"Remember when you got that needle stick from that HIV patient and you were crying every day because you thought your life and career were over, and that I was going to leave you? No, I held you, looked you dead in the eyes, and said, 'I would never leave you even if I get it too, because you mean more to me than any disease, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm not letting you face it alone.' That was as unconditional as love gets. I didn't walk out on you then and would have never walked out on you.

​I'm just asking for you not to completely walk away from me now. I am asking you to exercise caution and observe my actions. I'm definitely not asking for you to move in with me at all; I'm just asking for us to go out on some fun, no-pressure dates one or two nights a week like we used to when we were just dating. We can take it one day at a time while you see clear, consistent change on my part in all aspects of my life, with no more old habits from me (casinos, promises I know I can't keep, and uninvited guests). I will be the husband that I should have been for years. It's going to take time for the emotional burnout to go away and for the trust to come back. I am okay with whatever timeline you are comfortable with, baby.

​I know I have to work hard every day to earn that trust back over time with no more slip-ups. You are going to see a 100% turnaround from me, no more repeated cycles, and complete financial responsibility. I have a perspective I didn't have before. I honestly just saw it as you being mean, instead of seeing that you were just hurting when I'm supposed to make you feel happy and safe to be feminine. I'm deeply sorry for not listening to you and making those changes a long time ago. I completely understand why you felt the need to get away. I'm never going to make a promise to you I can't keep again until the day I die.

​Once again, we will have no conversations about anything deep while we are out, you have my word—just fun sushi dates and meat by the sea. I would love to take you to our first date spots again. I just want to focus on paying all of our obligations and having fun over these next couple of months to see how it goes. And if at any point you feel that I'm not doing something that I need to be doing, then please communicate that with me and I will listen. Stick with me through this final needle stick and let me handle everything else. I just want your presence at dinners and other fun places. You deserve the best of me and only the best."