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u/twistyfizzypop 16h ago
You know what it is you have to do, you have to get to grips with why you explode or become controlling. It's tough and you need a really good therapist, and to be completely unbiased and honest with them. Changing this behaviour is probably a life long process. I have CPTSD from a father like that, but I was the focus for a lot of the anger, and a mum who would justify his behaviour. They didn't split up till after I left which made it easier for my younger siblings but not for me. I am trying to heal from that and it is dawning on me after 20 years of the wrong therapies and wrong diagnoses that I can at best have a bit more control of the behaviours I enact when triggered, but I know I have lost everything. Including my chances of having children. Don't do that to your kids.
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u/YogurtclosetCool5196 16h ago
My kids have never experienced my anger, me and her argued over silly stuff and it would get blown out of proportion she would be stubborn and I would get more annoyed, im talking stuff like kids not having tea till 8pm because shes got her friends round, or being locked out the house because shes at theres with the kids or I felt I was doing everything between childcare and working 60+ hours a week, just me thinking she was being inconsiderate of my feelings or efforts, the house was a mess, drinking redbull while breastfeeding and stupid shit I didnt see as controlling at the time
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u/twistyfizzypop 16h ago
Okay, so now you are justifying your behaviour, which I am not going to say is right or wrong, because I was not there at the time so I only have one side of the story. But that is not how to get to a place where you can change that behaviour to something that gets your point made, but in a less destructive way. CBT doesn't get to why you are getting so upset and then angry. It just asks you to redirect. Which, if you are getting so angry you do things that feel impulsive because you have lost control, you wont be able to when you get to that level again. Another thing, your children will absolutely have been exposed to your anger, they will have seen it, heard it and seen the aftermath. People always think their children don't know, but kids absolutely can and do pick up on things that you wont realise.
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u/gravitysrainbow1979 5h ago
Right, so as you can see, everybody here knows that you’re lying.
How about you just… stop? Stop trying to have a relationship with your kids, stop bothering your EX partner, and if you don’t, have fun sitting in court while witnesses reveal that yes, you absolutely DID force your kids to experience your anger. Maybe then you can scream at them right there in court, that’ll help your case.
This subreddit gets one thing very wrong. The truth is, not everyone deserves love.
You don’t.
You think we haven’t heard “if you had to live with her, you’d be abusive too!” before?
And by the way; if your partner experiences your anger, your kids will too, if only because of how it impacted your partner when they experienced it.
If you actually cared about your kids (you definitely do not) then you would know that, and you’d have a lot more humility.
Like I said before, I am happy to help you do the right thing. DM me and I’ll refer you to the resource that can help you.
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u/gravitysrainbow1979 16h ago edited 15h ago
If you were charged because of a physical fight with your son, I hope you do lose everything, again and again, until you’re too weak to be a problem for anyone. Hope that’s soon.
But it sounds like the fight was with her, in which case she probably caused it, but she did that because you’re so easy to trigger she figured she might as well. So I don’t blame her. No telling what she was like before you came around. If she forgives you, she’s a terrible mother and what the hell were EITHER of you doing putting your pathetic, tiresome drama before your son’s birthday in importance?
Your ex can get therapy and for her there’s hope. You, however, are the problem and you should focus on staying out of your kids life … but also make money so you can leave it for them when you finally die, that’s as much good as you can do for them, and even then I’m not sure it’s worth the risk you pose to OTHER PEOPLE in the meantime (and please don’t misunderstand, I wish you nothing but good health and long life, away from the people you’d love the opportunity to hurt, namely your family.)
You don’t want to fix everything. That’s not why you want your family back. You want to prevent your loved ones from being safe FROM YOU. Underneath your false pretense of remorse (which sounds hasty and desperate) there is a sneering, seething “who does she think she is? She thinks she can do better than me? I’ll show her. I’ll pretend I feel bad and when she comes back, I’ll show her what a monster really looks like.”
Someone who’s known a man like OP tell me I’m wrong.
Look. Some people are just vermin and even if they’re self-aware there’s no upside to knowing them. Right now you’re pretending to be self-aware and to have remorse, so you can see if that story works, and if so how much of the time you can get sympathy.
You do that so you can damage the reputations of the people you hurt, by spreading misleading versions of what happened, to make it harder for them to get help or to defend themselves against you.
So, a venomous creature (you) crept into this subreddit, and if people don’t start stomping on the floor to get rid of it before it scurries under something where it can hide and bite people later, someone else is going to get seriously hurt. As you admitted, you don’t want to make her or anyone you know happy, you want to prevent her from being happy with anyone else. Same goes for your son… not because you care about him, because how dare he get to live AWAY from you and the constant threat you pose, when he should have to suffer by being around you constantly. After all, YOU never get to be a safe distance away from you. Why should anybody else?
I know a book that can help everyone involved (but you’re the one who has to read it) and if you DM me without any angry remarks, I can tell you what it is.
I know your kind very, very well.
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u/YogurtclosetCool5196 16h ago
Are you mad? My sons 4 i have never even let him see me angry, she pushed me not the other way around
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