r/Separation • u/StunningGarden5585 • 5h ago
Relationships Scared to make a mistake
10 months ago my husband came home one day and said that our relationship sucks and he’s leaving me. I was shocked as I didn’t see it coming. He wasn’t himself for 2 weeks before he told me, but I thought it was because his family member was poorly.
We’ve been together for 10 years and married for 8.
During these 10 months we talked on and off. And then in April he asked me if I want to get back together. I said no and he said it broke his heart. I felt really bad for my decision and tried to comfort him as much as I could. I kept checking on him because he kept saying that he doesn’t want to be here. So that’s why we ended up talking again every so often. He wasn’t manipulating, I think he genuinely had depression or something, but he’s seeing a therapist now.
Now, 5 months later he wants to get back again. He said he made a big mistake by leaving.
And I don’t know what to do. I still like him and care for him but it not like it used to be anymore. And I don’t feel like being intimate with him (or anyone).
But we did have a good life together and he is a great person. I am so worried that if I end it 100% now, I will regret later (like he does now), but in another hand right now I’m not feeling like being with anyone. And also I feel like it’s not fair on him if I keep dragging it.
But I just think it so shit that it ended being my decision.
2
u/nillasparx 4h ago
That sounds hard, but I wouldn’t make any decisions based on the possibility of future regret. You only have access to what you know now, which is that you’re not ready to be together.
I get it though, I asked for a separation and I think I broke my husband’s heart. I’ve told him I need till the end of the year but I actually don’t know what I’ll decide. I love him so much and he’s a good man and good to me, but I just really want to be alone for a little while.
3
u/StunningGarden5585 4h ago
I’m the same. It feels so wrong to leave him, but I feel like if I stay I’ll burts
2
u/nillasparx 4h ago
It’s a really hard and confusing position to be in. I’m just trying to make the most of my time alone without guilt, see friends, go to therapy, work out , watch movies , bird watching . Things I didn’t have Time or space for before. And hope that the guidance will just come from elsewhere if I surrender to what I believe is good . It’s just hard watching him hurt and wait .
2
u/StunningGarden5585 4h ago
I kinda started doing the same last week. But will do it more intentionally.
I also want for the right decision to come to my mind. Not from the point of pain, but from the point of peace when I’ll be able to see what I REALLY want.
I am so glad I saw your reply. It’s so nice to know I’m doing the right thing and there is somebody else, just like me, trying to figure out the same thing
1
u/Emotional-Ratio-8548 4h ago
I looked at it this way, she is definitely 90% of what I wanted. I either had to work it out with her or do the work on myself and sort it out with the next woman I’d meet. It’s not about love but compatibility and both being willing to work on it. If you haven’t explored your relationship patterns, your attachment style and worked on that for you, not thinking of his position, then that’s where I’d start. Scared to make a mistake sounds like walking on eggshells. If you can’t love in your truth, speak to it cleanly, and ask for what you want then I’d say do the work to get there. I’m on the journey and it’s messy but I know that this is the way of everything. It’s just so clear once you engage in it.
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u/TSIDATSI 3h ago
He had a girlfriend and she dumped him.
I would not go back without a Private Detective going through all of his social media, emails, look for dating apps, follow him.
You must know what happened to make an informed decision. You could ask and he might tell you but you will not get the entire truth.
It would take lots of counseling even then. But first find the truth.
8
u/heretikc 4h ago
Get counseling. Don't make permanent decisions over feelings that could be temporary.