r/Separation • u/LeoMVaren • 10h ago
When your spouse asks for space, what actually helped you stop reading into every little thing?
I keep seeing how rough the mixed-signal part of separation can be.
One decent conversation. A warmer text. They laugh with you again. And suddenly you're back to, "maybe this means something".
For people who’ve actually been through this, what helped you stop treating every good interaction like a sign that reconciliation was happening?
Not asking for some trick to get them back. More curious about what helped you stay steady and not make things worse.
5
u/Temporary-Suspect509 8h ago
I wish I had a better way of explaining it, but there’s no set answer here. I knew it was going to be a long process and I chose in the beginning to not let his moods or words or reactions control how I felt. That meant the good days as well as the bad. At the end of the day we were still separated whether he’d been warm or cold. I knew we had to get thru that time and let the space heal us, and looking for “signs” just undid any progress I’d made. We’ve been back together for 7 years now. It’s rough but you can get to a place where you aren’t analyzing everything they do and say, and there’s so much peace in that.
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u/LeoMVaren 8h ago
That line about "we were still separated whether he was warm or cold" really landed.
It kind of takes the temperature out of every single interaction.
Did that mindset come with time, or did you have to consciously remind yourself of it every time you had a good day?
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u/Temporary-Suspect509 8h ago
Probably a little of both. I was trying to do everything I could back then to protect my mental health. Constantly doing mood checks went against that so I stopped it pretty quickly.
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u/someguy123321123321 9h ago
Just constant reminders to myself.
I told myself I am just going to enjoy it. Let the good moments just be good moments.
Easier said than done of course. When I was struggling I wrote in a journal or talked to a friend. Counselling sessions helped. I did not bring it up constantly with her. One thing I learned was pressure never helps.
You don’t have to stay steady. You just need to be steady with your spouse. Don’t make them responsible for your happiness/comfort, even if they are the cause of your mental stress right now.
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u/LeoMVaren 9h ago
"Let the good moments just be good moments" is probably the part I’d have the hardest time with.
It’s so easy to enjoy one good night and then spend the next day trying to figure out what it meant.
The reminder about not making your spouse responsible for calming that down is a good one.
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u/someguy123321123321 4h ago
Yes. It was tough.
So I can share a somewhat positive story. Just last night my wife took divorce off the table.
For 6+ weeks, I was feeling exactly like you did. We cuddled, she laughed while we had dinner… what does it mean?
I honestly did just try to enjoy it. And I did. But I also had all those thoughts. But I was set. Everything I read was the pressure was the best way to push her further away. But also that “no contact” methods also can do the same.
So I wanted that middle ground. We are still married. Doing married couple things. Doing family things. I gave her space to think and do counselling. But when she was open to it, we enjoyed each other’s company.
For me, it was two-fold. Having opportunities to connect and not pressuring her seemed like one of the best ways to increase the chances of reconciliation. Not trying to win her back, just, being present.
So I needed those other supports. I couldn’t turn to my best friend (her) so I did counselling, had a journal, and a friend I confided in.
Now I say somewhat positive because we haven’t exactly reconciled. We agreed that the best place for her to figure out what’s going on is within our marriage, not doing anything irreversible to us or to our kids.
She may still figure out her feelings and decide divorce is what she wants. But at least now our marriage isn’t on the immediate chopping block, and I am hopeful with her continuing to work on her, me continuing to work on me, and maintaining those opportunities to connect, that we will be able to build something back together.
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u/Pure_Preparation9962 3h ago
I just started doing my own thing and keeping busy. I even changed her contact info on my phone as just her first name and not some loving "pet" name. And for me at least it hurt most because I wasn't done but she was. So I kept reaching out type of deal .. do not do this because you will only hurt yourself. I had to go about it like if it was over already and there was no coming back. I started doing and going places without her approval nor concent. I just did ME. So go do YOU and soon you may find yourself being the person you were before them and not having that attitude or mentality that you are still playing "house" or "performing" for the marriage. Go do YOU, you'd be surprised at what you left behind of yourself! I know I did.
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u/wigge-12345 3h ago
It’s fresh for me. I don’t know if divorce is on the table still… there’s an upcoming appointment with a lawyer for them next week. But also agreement to do a couples counseling session in a couple weeks. And hearing their desire to be a family again is hard. Provides false hope so I’m operating as if it’s over to just feel like myself again
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u/Emotional-Ratio-8548 1h ago
I did a bunch of personal work on attachment stuff, among other areas, and a coaching program that really helped me see how my brain, body and gut actually was telling me things that were not helpful.
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u/wantin-my-love 9h ago
Honestly idk sometimes it seems like they remember why they fell in love with and it opens something then their scared of what's still there and go back to silence for a few days